DISCOVER THE POWER OF ASSERTIVENESS

FRAMES-FRAMING…RE-FRAMING Frames are "Frame of Reference: The context, viewpoint, or set of presuppositions or of evaluative criteria within which a person's perception and thinking seem always to occur, and which constrains selectively the course and outcome of these activities" “ Or in simple words, a blue print of everything that happens around you- all experiences captured and stored in your brain- so every time we need to respond to a stimuli in order to communicate- we check with our “Frame/Frames of reference” and then act

Frames are "Frame of Reference: The context, viewpoint, or set of presuppositions or of evaluative criteria within which a person's perception and thinking seem always to occur, and which constrains selectively the course and outcome of these activities"

“ Or in simple words, a blue print of everything that happens around you- all experiences captured and stored in your brain- so every time we need to respond to a stimuli in order to communicate- we check with our “Frame/Frames of reference” and then act

FRAMES-FRAMING…RE-FRAMING NO TWO people in the world can go through the exact copy of each other’s life so naturally all frames are different from each other-or again in simplistic terms, the looking glass of our lives are different from each other . Framing is an inevitable process of selective influence over the individual's perception of the meanings attributed to words or phrases.

NO TWO people in the world can go through the exact copy of each other’s life so naturally all frames are different from each other-or again in simplistic terms, the looking glass of our lives are different from each other .

Framing is an inevitable process of selective influence over the individual's perception of the meanings attributed to words or phrases.

UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR Mottoes and Beliefs "Don't express your true feelings." "Don't make waves." "Don't disagree." "Others have more rights than I do.“ Communication Style Indirect Always agrees Doesn't speak up Hesitant Characteristics Apologetic, self-conscious Trusts others, but not self Doesn't express own wants and feelings Allows others to make decisions for self Doesn't get what he or she wants

Mottoes and Beliefs

"Don't express your true feelings."

"Don't make waves."

"Don't disagree."

"Others have more rights than I do.“

Communication Style

Indirect

Always agrees

Doesn't speak up

Hesitant

Characteristics

Apologetic, self-conscious

Trusts others, but not self

Doesn't express own wants and feelings

Allows others to make decisions for self

Doesn't get what he or she wants

Outward Behavior Sighs a lot Tries to sit on both sides of the fence to avoid conflict Clams up when feeling treated unfairly Asks permission unnecessarily Complains instead of taking action Lets others make choices Has difficulty implementing plans Self-effacing Nonverbal Cues Fidgets Nods head often; comes across as pleading Lack of facial animation Smiles and nods in agreement Downcast eyes Slumped posture Low volume, meek Up talk Fast, when anxious; slow, hesitant, when doubtful

Outward Behavior

Sighs a lot

Tries to sit on both sides of the fence to avoid conflict

Clams up when feeling treated unfairly

Asks permission unnecessarily

Complains instead of taking action

Lets others make choices

Has difficulty implementing plans

Self-effacing

Nonverbal Cues

Fidgets

Nods head often; comes across as pleading

Lack of facial animation

Smiles and nods in agreement

Downcast eyes

Slumped posture

Low volume, meek

Up talk

Fast, when anxious; slow, hesitant, when doubtful

UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR Verbal Cues "You should do it." "You have more experience than I do." "I can't......" "This is probably wrong, but..." "I'll try..." Monotone, low energy Confrontation and Problem Solving Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones Withdraws, is sullen and silent Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision Agrees too often

Verbal Cues

"You should do it."

"You have more experience than I do."

"I can't......"

"This is probably wrong, but..."

"I'll try..."

Monotone, low energy

Confrontation and Problem Solving

Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones

Withdraws, is sullen and silent

Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally

Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking

Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision

Agrees too often

UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR Feelings Felt Powerlessness Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities Effects Gives up being him or herself Builds dependency relationships Doesn't know where he or she stands Slowly loses self esteem Promotes others' causes Is not well-liked

Feelings Felt

Powerlessness

Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work

Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities

Effects

Gives up being him or herself

Builds dependency relationships

Doesn't know where he or she stands

Slowly loses self esteem

Promotes others' causes

Is not well-liked

UNDERSTANDING AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR Mottos and Beliefs "Everyone should be like me." "I am never wrong." "I've got rights, but you don't.“ Communication Style Close minded Poor listener Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view Interrupts Monopolizing Characteristics Achieves goals, often at others' expense Domineering, bullying Patronizing Condescending, sarcastic

Mottos and Beliefs

"Everyone should be like me."

"I am never wrong."

"I've got rights, but you don't.“

Communication Style

Close minded

Poor listener

Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view

Interrupts

Monopolizing

Characteristics

Achieves goals, often at others' expense

Domineering, bullying

Patronizing

Condescending, sarcastic

Behavior Puts others down Doesn't ever think they are wrong Bossy Moves into people's space, overpowers Jumps on others, pushes people around Know-it-all attitude Doesn't show appreciation Nonverbal Cues Points, shakes finger Frowns Squints eyes critically Glares Stares Rigid posture Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice Fast, clipped speech Verbal Cues "You must (should, ought better)." "Don't ask why. Just do it." Verbal abuse

Behavior

Puts others down

Doesn't ever think they are wrong

Bossy

Moves into people's space, overpowers

Jumps on others, pushes people around

Know-it-all attitude

Doesn't show appreciation

Nonverbal Cues

Points, shakes finger

Frowns

Squints eyes critically

Glares

Stares

Rigid posture

Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice

Fast, clipped speech

Verbal Cues

"You must (should, ought better)."

"Don't ask why. Just do it."

Verbal abuse

Confrontation and Problem Solving Must win arguments, threatens, attacks Operates from win/lose position Feelings Felt Anger Hostility Frustration Impatience Effects Provokes counter aggression, alienation from others, ill health Wastes time and energy over supervising others Pays high price in human relationships Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances, lying, covering up Forces compliance with resentment

Confrontation and Problem Solving

Must win arguments, threatens, attacks

Operates from win/lose position

Feelings Felt

Anger

Hostility

Frustration

Impatience

Effects

Provokes counter aggression, alienation from others, ill health

Wastes time and energy over supervising others

Pays high price in human relationships

Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances, lying, covering up

Forces compliance with resentment

UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR Mottoes and Beliefs Believes self and others are valuable Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but that you handled the situation as effectively as possible "I have rights and so do others." Communication Style Effective, active listener States limits, expectations States observations, no labels or judgments Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible about feelings and wants Checks on others feelings

Mottoes and Beliefs

Believes self and others are valuable

Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but that you handled the situation as effectively as possible

"I have rights and so do others."

Communication Style

Effective, active listener

States limits, expectations

States observations, no labels or judgments

Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible about feelings and wants

Checks on others feelings

Characteristics Non-judgmental Observes behavior rather than labeling it Trusts self and others Confident Self-aware Open, flexible, versatile Playful, sense of humor Decisive Proactive, initiating Behavior Operates from choice Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it Action-oriented Firm Realistic in her expectations Fair, just Consistent Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without denying rights of others

Characteristics

Non-judgmental

Observes behavior rather than labeling it

Trusts self and others

Confident

Self-aware

Open, flexible, versatile

Playful, sense of humor

Decisive

Proactive, initiating

Behavior

Operates from choice

Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it

Action-oriented

Firm

Realistic in her expectations

Fair, just

Consistent

Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without denying rights of others

Nonverbal Cues Open, natural gestures Attentive, interested facial expression Direct eye contact Confident or relaxed posture Vocal volume appropriate, expressive Varied rate of speech Verbal Cues "I choose to..." "What are my options?" "What alternatives do we have?" Confrontation and Problem Solving Negotiates, bargains, trades off, compromises Confronts problems at the time they happen Doesn't let negative feelings build up

Nonverbal Cues

Open, natural gestures

Attentive, interested facial expression

Direct eye contact

Confident or relaxed posture

Vocal volume appropriate, expressive

Varied rate of speech

Verbal Cues

"I choose to..."

"What are my options?"

"What alternatives do we have?"

Confrontation and Problem Solving

Negotiates, bargains, trades off, compromises

Confronts problems at the time they happen

Doesn't let negative feelings build up

Feelings Felt Enthusiasm Well being Even tempered Effects Increased self-esteem and self-confidence Increased self-esteem of others Feels motivated and understood Others know where they stand

Feelings Felt

Enthusiasm

Well being

Even tempered

Effects

Increased self-esteem and self-confidence

Increased self-esteem of others

Feels motivated and understood

Others know where they stand

when an issue is really minor; when the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself; when emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective; when your power is much lower than the other party's; When the other's position is impossible to change for all practical purposes (i.e., government policies, etc.) When can Passiveness work?

when an issue is really minor;

when the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself;

when emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective;

when your power is much lower than the other party's;

When the other's position is impossible to change for all practical purposes (i.e., government policies, etc.)

When can Aggression work? when a decision has to be made quickly; during emergencies; when you know you're right and that fact is crucial;

when a decision has to be made quickly;

during emergencies;

when you know you're right and that fact is crucial;

WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU… It increases your confidence and self-esteem You enjoy more balanced lifestyle You manage colleagues and friends effectively and empathetically You increased work effectiveness and productivity You Concentrate on what’s within YOUR control, rather than what’s beyond YOUR control. For instance, you can always control how you react to a situation, but you can’t control how others react.

It increases your confidence and self-esteem

You enjoy more balanced lifestyle

You manage colleagues and friends effectively and empathetically

You increased work effectiveness and productivity

You Concentrate on what’s within YOUR control, rather than what’s beyond YOUR control. For instance, you can always control how you react to a situation, but you can’t control how others react.

WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU… Every problem seems to have a “win-win” solution. Assertive communicators first ask what the other person or party wants and then quickly negotiate a solution that everyone can live with. Because problems are solved more quickly, resentment, frustration and other tensions that block peak performance are minimized. Assertive behavior can actually reduce physical and mental stress in the workplace because people feel less like victims and more like influencers.

Every problem seems to have a “win-win” solution. Assertive communicators first ask what the other person or party wants and then quickly negotiate a solution that everyone can live with.

Because problems are solved more quickly, resentment, frustration and other tensions that block peak performance are minimized.

Assertive behavior can actually reduce physical and mental stress in the workplace because people feel less like victims and more like influencers.

WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU… Communication becomes clearer and more concise, which reduces misunderstandings and clarifies expectations. Phrases like “I thought you meant…” virtually disappear. In an assertive work environment, people speak up and say what’s on their minds. They aren’t afraid their ideas will be shunned, ridiculed or ignored.

Communication becomes clearer and more concise, which reduces misunderstandings and clarifies expectations. Phrases like “I thought you meant…” virtually disappear.

In an assertive work environment, people speak up and say what’s on their minds. They aren’t afraid their ideas will be shunned, ridiculed or ignored.

Finally, You can have the power to say NO!!

READY FOR CHANGE?

Develop a value and belief system which allows you to assert yourself. This is the hardest part. It means giving yourself permission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, to make mistakes. STEP 1-How to begin

Develop a value and belief system which allows you to assert yourself.

This is the hardest part. It means giving yourself permission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, to make mistakes.

These include Basic Assertion, Empathic Assertion, Escalating Assertion and I-Language Assertion (4 Types of Assertion) 1) Basic Assertion - This is a simple, straightforward expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. It's usually a simple "I want" or "I feel" statement. 2) Empathic Assertion- This conveys some sensitivity to the other person. It usually contains two parts- a recognition of the other person's situation or feelings, followed by a statement in which you stand up for your rights. "I know you've really been busy, but I want to feel that our relationship is important to you. I want you to make time for me and for us." STEP 2-LEARN ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

These include Basic Assertion, Empathic Assertion, Escalating Assertion and I-Language Assertion (4 Types of Assertion)

1) Basic Assertion - This is a simple, straightforward expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. It's usually a simple "I want" or "I feel" statement.

2) Empathic Assertion-

This conveys some sensitivity to the other person. It usually contains two parts-

a recognition of the other person's situation or feelings, followed by a statement in

which you stand up for your rights.

"I know you've really been busy, but I want to feel that our relationship is important to you. I want you to make time for me and for us."

3) Escalating Assertion This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertion and continues to violate your rights. You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It may even include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part, made only after several basic assertive statements. For example, "If you don't complete the work on my car by 5:00 tomorrow, I'll be forced to call the Better Business Bureau." STEP 2-LEARN ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

3) Escalating Assertion

This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertion and continues to violate your rights.

You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It may even include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part, made only after several basic assertive statements.

For example, "If you don't complete the work on my car by 5:00 tomorrow, I'll be forced to call the Better Business Bureau."

4) I-Language Assertion This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement: When you do . . . (describe the behavior). The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely affects you). I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want). The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame the other person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion. STEP 2-LEARN ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS

4) I-Language Assertion

This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement:

When you do . . . (describe the behavior).

The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely affects you).

I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want).

The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame the other person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion.

There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is the formula: I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________. Part 1 : “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc. Part 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc. Part 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.” Part 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is the formula: I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________. Part 1 : “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc.

Part 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Part 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.” Part 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Maintain comfortable direct eye contact; keep your posture open and relaxed; be sure your facial expression agrees with the message; keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice; select an appropriate time to be assertive. STEP 3-USE YOUR BESTCOMMUNICATION SKILLS

Maintain comfortable direct eye contact;

keep your posture open and relaxed;

be sure your facial expression agrees with the message;

keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice; select an appropriate time to be assertive.

In the beginning, don't try changing your behavior in loaded or difficult situations. Practice first in the least risky ones . STEP 4- PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!

In the beginning, don't try changing your behavior in loaded or difficult situations.

Practice first in the least risky ones .

Let’s Practice saying NO FIRST

I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS let people know when you have accepted other responsibilities no need to make excuses if you don't have any free time no one will fault you for having already filled your plate I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues the people involved, the type of work, the morale implications, etc. this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES you aren't saying that you will never help out again just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like now understanding your limits is a talent to be expected

I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS

let people know when you have accepted other responsibilities

no need to make excuses if you don't have any free time

no one will fault you for having already filled your plate

I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT

you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues

the people involved, the type of work, the morale implications, etc.

this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation

I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES

you aren't saying that you will never help out again

just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like now

understanding your limits is a talent to be expected

I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB if you don't feel that you have adequate skills, that's okay it's better to admit your limitations up front the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK life isn't about drudgery -- if you don't enjoy it, why do it? don't be afraid to let someone know you just don't want to someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don't I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN MY CALENDAR be honest if your schedule is filled "filled" doesn't have to mean really filled know when you are scheduled as much as you are willing and stop

I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB

if you don't feel that you have adequate skills, that's okay

it's better to admit your limitations up front

the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road

I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK

life isn't about drudgery -- if you don't enjoy it, why do it?

don't be afraid to let someone know you just don't want to

someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don't

I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN MY CALENDAR

be honest if your schedule is filled

"filled" doesn't have to mean really filled

know when you are scheduled as much as you are willing and stop

I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG PROJECTS let people know that you want to do a good job for them but you can't when your focus is too divided or splintered you will be more effective if you focus on one project at a time I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT it doesn't matter what the commitment is it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family you don't have to justify -- you simply aren't available I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT volunteering shouldn't mean learning an entirely new set of skills suggest that they find someone who has experience in that area offer to help out with something that you already know how to do

I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG PROJECTS

let people know that you want to do a good job for them

but you can't when your focus is too divided or splintered

you will be more effective if you focus on one project at a time

I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT

it doesn't matter what the commitment is

it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family

you don't have to justify -- you simply aren't available

I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT

volunteering shouldn't mean learning an entirely new set of skills

suggest that they find someone who has experience in that area

offer to help out with something that you already know how to do

I KNOW YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB YOURSELF people often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities let them know that you have confidence they will succeed you are actually doing them a favor in the long run I NEED TO FOCUS MORE ON MY PERSONAL LIFE don't be ashamed of wanting to spend time with your family having a strong family is an important priority in and of itself be willing to put your personal needs first I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW often, you have to focus your energies on a work-related task you may have to give up some civic or community duties if you don't do it, someone else will take on the task

I KNOW YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB YOURSELF

people often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities

let them know that you have confidence they will succeed

you are actually doing them a favor in the long run

I NEED TO FOCUS MORE ON MY PERSONAL LIFE

don't be ashamed of wanting to spend time with your family

having a strong family is an important priority in and of itself

be willing to put your personal needs first

I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW

often, you have to focus your energies on a work-related task

you may have to give up some civic or community duties

if you don't do it, someone else will take on the task

I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF it's okay to be selfish -- in a good way! treat your personal time like any other appointment block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB know when you aren't going to be able to deliver a quality product the reason doesn't matter -- not enough time, wrong skills, etc. whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down I WOULD RATHER HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK saying no doesn't mean that you can't help at all if someone asks you to do something you really despise, refuse then offer to help with something you find more enjoyable

I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF

it's okay to be selfish -- in a good way!

treat your personal time like any other appointment

block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life

I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB

know when you aren't going to be able to deliver a quality product

the reason doesn't matter -- not enough time, wrong skills, etc.

whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down

I WOULD RATHER HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK

saying no doesn't mean that you can't help at all

if someone asks you to do something you really despise, refuse

then offer to help with something you find more enjoyable

LET ME HOOK YOU UP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN DO IT if you aren't available to help out, offer another qualified resource helping to connect people is a valuable service to offer make sure the person you refer will represent you well NO sometimes it's okay to just say no! just say it in a way that expresses respect and courtesy leave the door open for good relations NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER if you really want to help but don't have time, say so offer to help at a later time or date if they can't wait for you, they'll find someone else

LET ME HOOK YOU UP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN DO IT

if you aren't available to help out, offer another qualified resource

helping to connect people is a valuable service to offer

make sure the person you refer will represent you well

NO

sometimes it's okay to just say no!

just say it in a way that expresses respect and courtesy

leave the door open for good relations

NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER

if you really want to help but don't have time, say so

offer to help at a later time or date

if they can't wait for you, they'll find someone else

SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT NEED MY ATTENTION unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off accept that you may need to make a few adjustments it is temporary and you will have more time when life stabilizes THIS REALLY IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT it's okay to admit your limitations knowing what you can handle and what you can't is a skill your time will be more efficiently spent on something you do well

SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT NEED MY ATTENTION

unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off

accept that you may need to make a few adjustments

it is temporary and you will have more time when life stabilizes

THIS REALLY IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT

it's okay to admit your limitations

knowing what you can handle and what you can't is a skill

your time will be more efficiently spent on something you do well

Quantum Leap Learning, Bangalore +91-41663430

Quantum Leap Learning, Bangalore

+91-41663430