Pre Deployment Marriage Class

Pre-Deployment Marriage Seminar CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews TF-Ram Chaplain 29 NOV 07

Purpose

To Open the Door to Communication Between the Spouses

To Assist the Couples in Preparing For Deployment

To Encourage Couples that Hardships Can Be Overcome

To Provide Resources for Increasing Marriage Survivability

References

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective: U.S. Army Medical Department Journal. Apr-Jun 2001by LTC Simon H. Pincus, USA, MC, COL Robert House, USAR, MC, LTC (P) Joseph Christenson, USA, MC, and CAPT Lawrence E. Adler, MC, USNR-R

The 7 Stages of Marriage by Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage .

50 Ways to Woo Your Lover. By Gregory J.P. Godek. http://www.rd.com/content/50-ways-to-woo-your-lover .

http://www.rand.org/pubs/monographs/2007/RAND_MG599.pdf Karney, B.R., & Crown. J.S. (2007). Families under stress: An assessment of data, theory and research on marriage and divorce in the military. Santa Monica, CA: The RAND Corporation.

RAND Study Finds Divorce Among Soldiers Has Not Spiked Higher Despite Stress Created By Battlefield Deployments http://www.rand.org/news/press/2007/04/12/index3.html

Military Service and Marriage: A Review of ResearchNational Healthy Marriage Resource Center. http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/docs/review_mmilitarylife.pdf

One Day Redeployment Marriage Workshop. CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews, 1-101 AVN. 2006.

Strengthening Marriages. 501st Special Troops Battalion,101st Airborne Division. CH(MAJ) Matthew Wysocki.

Improving Communication. PowerPoint Presentation.

Anger Management: A Solution Focused Approach. PowerPoint Presentation.

Speaking the Same Language: excerpts from The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Love Is A Dance; Pre-Deployment Marriage Seminar Presented to Families at Ft. Campbell, KY. 2005.

Rainey, Dennis (Editor). Preparing for Marriage:The Complete Guide To Help You Discover God’s Plan For A Lifetime Of Love. Gospel Light, Venturea, California. 1997.

Strong Bonds: For the 101st Airborne Division and their loved ones. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc. 2007.

PREP: The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc. 1997

The Marriage Doctor(TM) Is In! Seven Stages of Marriage Interview Videos with co- author Dr. Rita DeMaria. http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/ *Used quotes of Dr. Rita DeMaria,during the presentation of the Seven Stages.

Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report . http://www.rd.com/content/marriage-today-what-1001-couples-report/

Chapman, Gary. The Five Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing, Chicago, Illinois. 1995.

Overview

Seven Stages of Marriage

Deployment

Communication

Creating Intimacy

Recommended Resources

Seven Stages of Marriage Based on the book:The 7 Stages of Marriage Laughter, Intimacy and Passion: Today, Tomorrow, Forever. By Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. Reader’s Digest. 2007. and http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage

STAGE 1: PASSION “ Romance and Falling in Love”*

STAGE 2: REALIZATION “ Facing Everyday Reality of What it Means to be Living Together”*

STAGE 3: REBELLION “ The Couple Begins to Ask Themselves; How much conflict are we having? How is the conflict resolving? Is my general mood toward my partner one of feeling good or one of frustration?”*

STAGE 4: COOPERATION “ Understanding that Marriage is a team effort”

STAGE 5: REUNION “ Focus returns back to the marriage.”*

STAGE 6: EXPLOSION “ Something Big is Happening”*

STAGE 7: COMPLETION Trust, Fun, Passion, Blessing, Meaning, and Purpose into your Marriage.

The Seven Stages of Marriage

STAGE 1: PASSION

STAGE 2: REALIZATION

STAGE 3: REBELLION

STAGE 4: COOPERATION

STAGE 5: REUNION

STAGE 6: EXPLOSION

STAGE 7: COMPLETION

The Seven Stages of Marriage

STAGE 1: PASSION

STAGE 2: REALIZATION

STAGE 3: REBELLION

STAGE 4: COOPERATION

STAGE 5: REUNION

STAGE 6: EXPLOSION

STAGE 7: COMPLETION

Deployment

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective Adapted from Article Published in the Apr-Jun 2001 edition of U.S. Army Medical Department Journal. Time Adjusted from Six Month Model to 15 Month Model

Pre-Deployment

Time frame: months prior to departure

Anticipation of loss vs denial

Train-up/long hours away

Getting affairs in order

Mental/physical distance

Arguments

Deployment

Time frame: first month

Mixed emotions/relief

Disoriented/overwhelmed

Numb, sad, alone

Sleep difficulty

Security issues

Sustainment

Time frame: months 2 thru 12

New routines established

New sources of support

Feel more in control

Independence

Confidence ("I can do this")

Re-Deployment

Time frame: months 12 thru 15

Anticipation of homecoming

Excitement

Apprehension

Burst of energy/"nesting"

Difficulty making decisions

Post-Deployment

Time frame: 3 to 6 months after deployment

Honeymoon period

Loss of independence

Need for "own" space

Renegotiating routines

Reintegrating into family

Deployment Deployment Pre-deployment 11 Soldier Spouse/Family Sustainment Redeployment Post-Deployment

Communication

Authentic Communication from Preparing for Marriage. P140 Authentic Communication is much more than just talking.

Speaker/Listener Technique

Rules for Speaker

Speak for yourself, don’t mind read

Keep statements brief, don’t go on and on

Stop to let others paraphrase

Rules for the Listener

Paraphrase what you hear

Focus on speaker’s message. Don’t rebut

Rules for Both

Speaker has the floor, keeps until understood

Share the Floor

Time Out

Not a good time... We can bring up issues at any time, but the “listener” can say “this is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.

Fun, Friendship, Sensuality, & Spirituality

Make time for the great things:

fun

friendship

sensuality

Spirituality

Agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

Creating Intimacy

Speaking the Same Language excerpts from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

QUALITY TIME

RECEIVING GIFTS

ACTS OF SERVICE

PHYSICAL TOUCH

The Five Love Languages

Discovering Your Primary Love Language

Basic questions to ask:

What do you request the most?

What makes you feel the most loved?

What hurts you deeply?

What do you desire most of all?

Love Language #1:Words Of Affirmation

Compliments, words of encouragement, and requests rather than demands all affirm the self worth of your spouse.

If your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service:

Make al list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks and do one as an expression of love.

Choose to do one act of service that your spouse has nagged about consistently.

Periodically ask your spouse, “If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?” If possible, do it.

If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation: 1. Remind yourself with 3x5 card by phone or computer that says “Words are Important! Words are Important! Words are Important!” 2. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month. 3. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse. 4. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths.

Love Language #2:Quality Time

Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that we truly care for and enjoy each other.

If your spouse’s love language is Quality Time:

Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that she would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the first months after your reunion.

Make time at least 3-4 times per week to share with each other some of the events (within OPSEC guidelines) of since the last call.

3. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once a month. Set aside a call each month to focus on your history.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Gifts are visual symbols of love, they demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship.

If your spouse’s love language is Receiving Gifts:

Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week.

2. Make a gift for your spouse.

3. Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself.

Love Language #4:Acts of Service

Acts of service should be freely given and received, and completed as requested.

Love Language #5:Physical Touch

Physical touch, as a gesture of love, reaches to the depths of our being. As a love language, it is a powerful form of communication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss.

If your spouse’s love language is Physical Touch: