Companionship & Deception
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Companionship & Deception

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A study in deceit and how it can affect the longevity of a relationship

A study in deceit and how it can affect the longevity of a relationship

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  • This presentation is intended to show how deception during the creation of a relationship occurs often, and is expected by both genders. We discover how both male and female alike engage in deceit and lying to achieve a companion that fits what is perceived as an ideal mate. We find what the genders are creating deceit about, and conclude with a question regarding how long we expect our relationships to last when we begin them with thoughtless misdirection and communicative puzzles.
  • It is reasonably safe to assume that most humans want companionship in some form or another. Whether it is for one drink, one meal, one night, or something longer, we want it, we crave it, and to many, we need it. For this reason the study of dating rituals, and how we deceive each other to reach that goal of companionship needs to be addressed. Having witnessed the pitfalls that come from deception during courtship, dating and marriage leads me to a hypothesis. Part of the dating game not only includes deception but it has become second nature for most to indulge in this potentially harmful habit.
  • The research concerning the topic of deception hasn’t been fully flushed out yet. During my research and having read several studies published on this topic there are several ways that they seem to fall short in addressing the actual issue of deception. The articles took samples ranging in number and gender from primarily college age adults. The samples numbered from 40 to 100, with discrepancies in gender that in some articles were almost 3-1 male to female. Additionally, all of the studies relied on answers from the participants. The researchers were simply asking a random sampling of adults about whether they deceive or not. This is an issue that goes towards validity, because the authors were relying on honesty from people that were openly deceptive, and in some cases outright liars.
  • To begin with it is quite clear that deception can be detrimental to the health of a long-term relationship as Benz et all suggests, “…men and women attempt to deceive potential mates about evolutionary relevant characteristics…”(Benz et all, 2005)
  • A few characteristics are, wealth, age, beauty, and commitment. Let’s be honest, do any of us really believe that lying about our age, wealth, commitment, or beauty is a healthy thing? The purpose of this deception is to improve our odds of “snagging” our “perfect” mate. However, if we have to lie about ourselves to find her, is she really our “perfect” mate?
  • There are many debates on what a perfect mate is. Is it the person that is your exact opposite? Is it someone exactly like you? Is it the person that has complimentary strengths and weaknesses? Or, is it that really hot looking number down at the end of the bar? Unfortunately, it tends to be that hot number at the end of the bar. Since we have a tendency to deceive our desired mate, we find that it correlates with how we approach said mate. Meaning, we tend to approach the hot number, and then act as if we are worthy of that mate.
  • A study conducted by Rowatt et all in 1999 found that “Both men and women deceptively altered their self-presented expressivity and love attitudes to more attractive prospects, and reported being more willing to lie about their personal appearance, personality traits, income, past relationship outcomes, career skills and intelligence to prospective dates who were higher in facial physical attractiveness, compared with prospective dates who were lower in facial physical attractiveness.” Due to our desire to approach a potential mate that is probably more attractive than we are, we lie and or deceive with the hope that we will transform ourselves into what we believe is an ideal mate.
  • In today’s dating realm, our society has found a new way to meet others. This way is through Internet dating websites. The proliferation of online dating can be linked to worsening the already rampant dating deceptions, by allowing “love seekers” to post a ten-year-old photograph of himself say that he is athletic, or that he loves long walks on the beach. Regardless of how true these statements are they are used on a regular basis to grab the attention of someone that is most likely out of the “love seekers” league.
  • My brother
  • In today’s dating realm, our society has found a new way to meet others. This way is through Internet dating websites. The proliferation of online dating can be linked to worsening the already rampant dating deceptions, by allowing “love seekers” to post a ten-year-old photograph of himself say that he is athletic, or that he loves long walks on the beach. Regardless of how true these statements are they are used on a regular basis to grab the attention of someone that is most likely out of the “love seekers” league.
  • Family Turkey Bowl
  • In today’s dating realm, our society has found a new way to meet others. This way is through Internet dating websites. The proliferation of online dating can be linked to worsening the already rampant dating deceptions, by allowing “love seekers” to post a ten-year-old photograph of himself say that he is athletic, or that he loves long walks on the beach. Regardless of how true these statements are they are used on a regular basis to grab the attention of someone that is most likely out of the “love seekers” league.
  • My nephew
  • In today’s dating realm, our society has found a new way to meet others. This way is through Internet dating websites. The proliferation of online dating can be linked to worsening the already rampant dating deceptions, by allowing “love seekers” to post a ten-year-old photograph of himself say that he is athletic, or that he loves long walks on the beach. Regardless of how true these statements are they are used on a regular basis to grab the attention of someone that is most likely out of the “love seekers” league.
  • Due to the rise in Internet dating, and online deception, there have been ample studies about the reactions to this kind of illicit behavior. One such study found that “…violating people's expectations for an honest answer can cause one to be seen in a less favorable light.” (Rycyna et all, 2009)
  • This unfavorable light is something that we all should be worried about. If we deceive someone to gain favor and secure a date, what do we expect to happen when the truth inevitably comes out? Do we expect her to be overjoyed with our deception? Do we hope that she will be okay with it? Should we expect her to be upset with us? Or, what if she decides that it is a deal breaker? While any of the above scenarios are possible, the most likely outcome would be anger at the very least, if not the complete dissolution of your relationship. If that happens, aren’t we better off learning our lesson and not deceiving the next trusting fool?
  • Throughout all the research that has been done, there is no clear answer to which gender deceives more. However, “It was found that females assume more deception overall by members of the opposite sex.” (Keenan et all, 1997) If females are assuming that males are deceiving them, then doesn’t it stand to reason that they will behave the same? While males may be the catalyst, the females are participating, and therefore are further acerbating the fact that we as a species lie and deceive to achieve some goal that we often times are incapable of achieving.
  • The overall assessment of my topic tends to be about why and how people recreate themselves, or lie and deceive during courtship. A possible reason for why both male and females lie, deceive and even recreate their personality is because they have a general lack of self worth. Consequently, they feel that being true to their self isn’t good enough to get what they want. In turn, this leads them to lie, deceive and recreate themselves in any manner they deem necessary to achieve their goal.
  • The question I would ask to further this area is: How do mate seekers think lying at such an early stage in a relationship will unfold over the course of a long-term relationship? The reason I would focus on this topic is because, as our society continues a trend toward marrying later in life, and our divorce rate continues to climb, we should at the very least try and arrest, the divorce rate. I believe that if we all look back over our past and current relationships, we will find that not only were we deceived but that we were deceptive as well. It is my assertion that if we in general have more confidence in ourselves and not lie at the beginning of a relationship, it will make it far easier to continue to tell the truth, thus building a lasting relationship that is based on trust and respect. Not with the feeling of being duped into the relationship.

Transcript

  • 1. What We Do to Achieve it
  • 2.
    • One drink
    • One meal
    • One night
    • Or longer
    • We all are looking for companionship
    • Deception a pitfall
    • Second nature
    • Potentially harmful
  • 3.
    • Primarily college aged adults
    • 3-1 Male to Female
    • Sample size ranging from 40-100
    • Relied on honesty
    • No personality assessment
    • No field research
  • 4.
    • “… men and women attempt to deceive potential mates about evolutionary relevant characteristics…” (Benz et all, 2005)
  • 5.
    • What we deceive about:
    • Wealth
    • Age
    • Beauty
    • Commitment level
  • 6.
    • Exact opposite
    • Exactly like you
    • Complimentary
    • Hot looking
  • 7.
    • “ Both men and women deceptively altered their self-presented expressivity and love attitudes to more attractive prospects, and reported being more willing to lie about their personal appearance, personality traits, income, past relationship outcomes, career skills and intelligence to prospective dates who were higher in facial physical attractiveness, compared with prospective dates who were lower in facial physical attractiveness.” (Rowatt et all, 1999)
  • 8.
    • “ Doctored” or old Photographs
  • 9.  
  • 10.
    • “ Doctored” or old Photographs
    • Athletic
  • 11.  
  • 12.
    • “ Doctored” or old Photographs
    • Athletic
    • Long walks on the beach
  • 13.  
  • 14.
    • “ Doctored” or old Photographs
    • Athletic
    • Long walks on the beach
    • Truth or Fiction?
    • Attention grabbing
  • 15.
    • “… violating people's expectations for an honest answer can cause one to be seen in a less favorable light.” (Rycyna et all, 2009)
  • 16.
    • Do we expect joy?
    • Do we expect it to be okay?
    • Do we expect anger?
    • Is it a deal breaker?
  • 17.
    • “ It was found that females assume more deception overall by members of the opposite sex.” (Keenan et all, 1997)
  • 18.
    • Lack of self-worth
    • Being true to self isn’t good enough
    • Recreating themselves allows them to achieve
  • 19.
    • Arrest current trends
    • Understanding ourselves
    • Building on trust
    • Don’t feel duped
  • 20.
    • Benz, J., Anderson, M., & Miller, R. (2005). ATTRIBUTIONS OF DECEPTION IN DATING SITUATIONS. Psychological Record , 55 (2), 305-314. Retrieved from Psychology and Behavioral Sciences Collection database.
    • Boatright, R., & McIntosh, W. (2008). The relationship between mindfulness and self-promoting illusions. Mental Health, Religion & Culture , 11 (6), 561-566. doi:10.1080/13674670701686626.
    • Douglas C Lord.  (2004, February). Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real / Updating!: How To Get a Man or Woman Who Once Seemed Out of Your League. Library Journal, 129(3), 146.  Retrieved July 5, 2010, from Social Science Module. (Document ID: 573340031).
    • Keenan, J., Gallup Jr., G., Goulet, N., & Kulkarni, M. (1997). Attributions of Deception in Human Mating Strategies. Journal of Social Behavior & Personality , 12 (1), 45-52. Retrieved from SPORTDiscus with Full Text database.
  • 21.
    • Rycyna, C., Champion, C., & Kelly, A. (2009). First Impressions After Various Types of Deception: Less Favorable Following Expectancy Violation. Basic & Applied Social Psychology , 31 (1), 40-48. doi:10.1080/01973530802659851.
    • Rowatt, W., Cunningham, M., & Druen, P. (1999). Lying to Get a Date: The Effect of Facial Physical Attractiveness on the Willingness To Deceive Prospective Dating Partners. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships , 16 (2), 209. Retrieved from Academic Search Elite database.
    • Yurchisin, J., Watchravesringkan, K., & Brown McCabe, D. (2005). AN EXPLORATION OF IDENTITY RE-CREATION IN THE CONTEXT OF INTERNET DATING. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal , 33 (8), 735-750. Retrieved from Academic Search Elite database