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A son of kenya

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  • 1. A Son of Kenya By Alex Burke Original Story by Alex Burke@Copyright Nov. 2010 BurkeAlex@Yahoo.comCase # 1-522555891 (858)625-0241 home (858)337-1695 cell
  • 2. INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTThe First Lady of the United States, MADELEINE MCADAMS(37),an auburn haired beauty, sits are her boudoir in her privatebedroom.Standing by her side, experimenting with combinations ofnecklaces and bracelets, is JELSMA JONES(35), aka "JJ," herpersonal assistant, an African-American woman.The First Lady sneezes loudly and blows her nose. MADELEINE MCADAMS I hope I don’t sneeze in the President’s face. JJ Wives sneeze on their husbands all the time. MADELEINE MCADAMS I mean the President of Kenya. JJ What’s the Swahili word for "gesundheit?" MADELEINE MCADAMS Good question. Google it for me, will you JJ? Just in case. JJ First I’m going to give you some anti-histamines. MADELEINE MCADAMS Don’t mention that word to me. "Auntie." My sister just had a baby. Now I’m Auntie Maddy. JJ You’re next. MADELEINE MCADAMS I wish. We’ve been trying for 17 years. Madison wouldn’t know a rubber if it bit him on the dick. He may be high in the polls but he’s low in the sperm count. JJ Have him tested. (CONTINUED)
  • 3. CONTINUED: 2. MADELEINE MCADAMS Oh sure. Can you imagine if it leaked out. The Tonight Show. "Government Accounting Office holds President responsible for labor shortage." "President fails to address the deficit." "Presidential poll - down for the count." It would never end. JJ Well keep trying. MADELEINE MCADAMS We do. Almost every night. He’s hornier than Bill Clinton with a cigar.JJ gives her two tablets. JJ Here. Take these. But be careful. MADELEINE MCADAMS Careful of what? JJ There’ll be champagne tonight, right? MADELEINE MCADAMS Of course. All the hypocrites will be toasting each other’s health, while wishing them dead at the same time. JJ With this stuff in your system, one glass has the knockout power of a whole bottle. So don’t take more than just one sip. MADELEINE MCADAMS (singing to the tune of "Just One Look.") Just one sip. That’s all it took. Just one sip. JJ, I hate these affairs. Let’s cancel. Say I’m "indisposed." JJ We can’t cancel, girl. You’ve got to butter up the President of Kenya. He’s swimming in oil, and we (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 4. CONTINUED: 3. JJ (cont’d) want it now, and we want it cheap. Remember Jackie Kennedy and the President of France. MADELEINE MCADAMS If I hear her name one more time I’m going to resign. French my ass. The only French she spoke was with her tongue. JJ Girl, you can’t resign. MADELEINE MCADAMS And why not? If Richard Nixon could resign as President, I can certainly resign as First Lady. JJ The Constitution makes no provision for the resignation of the First Lady. MADELEINE MCADAMS So you’re saying it would be unconstitutional. JJ That’s right. The Supreme Court would rule against you. MADELEINE MCADAMS The Supreme Court ! What do those old farts know? They go around with their noses in the air like they’re sniffing God’s butt. I’ll have Madison veto their decision. JJ Girl, the President cannot veto a Supreme Court decision. Only bills that Congress passes. You’re stuck. MADELEINE MCADAMS Okay. Okay. I’ll go. This so-called President of Kenya, who I’m sure hacked his way to power with the sharpest machete in the box, how am I supposed to butter him up? (CONTINUED)
  • 5. CONTINUED: 4. JJ Use your imagination. MADELEINE MCADAMS I don’t have to imagine what kind of buttering up he wants. If he so much as lays a hand on me, I’ll have the Secret Service throw him out of his own party. JJ I’ve heard he’s not that bad. Oxford and Cambridge educated. Devilishly handsome. Black as midnight. A buff physique. Charming smile, and a great sense of humor. MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m sure he finds torturing his political opponents very amusing. JJ Well you have to go. If we don’t get our hands on their oil, gas prices skyrocket and the President’s popularity plummets. MADELEINE MCADAMS Who cares? We’re outta here in a year. JJ And your husband goes down in history as the man who couldn’t man the pump. MADELEINE MCADAMS Okay. I’ll drink a toast to him, but no butter on it. (pause) By the way, how many wives does he have? JJ One official one. You’ll meet her tonight. And five more back in Kenya. MADELEINE MCADAMS Six wives total? Should I laugh or feel sorry for him? Any children? JJ Thirteen. Would you believe it. All girls. (CONTINUED)
  • 6. CONTINUED: 5. MADELEINE MCADAMS Well, that’s a blow to his African manhood, is it not? JJ To say the least. He’s already had three witch doctors executed, and he’s threatening to chop off the head of wife number six if she doesn’t deliver the goods in a week. MADELEINE MCADAMS Shades of Henry the Eighth. Just do amnio on the poor thing and take her out of her misery. JJ She refuses. She’s a Mau Mau. Says she’ll kill herself if anybody in a white smock even looks at her. She’s convinced her witch doctor can pull it off. I can’t blame her. She’s only thirteen. MADELEINE MCADAMS An unlucky number. JJ I’m afraid her days are numbered. She’s due any day. MADELEINE MCADAMS What’s his name again? JJ Mojo Kenyatta. MADELEINE MCADAMS Well it might be interesting. Better than the President of China. Boring. JJ Remember about the champagne. Just one sip. MADELEINE MCADAMS Right. Just one sip.She stands and JJ helps her into her evening gown while thesong "Just One Look" plays in the background.
  • 7. 6.INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHTThe President of the United States, MADISON MCADAMS(51),andthe Vice-President of the United States, REEFER RUFUSRAFER(51), sit facing each other on opposing sofas, eachdressed in a tuxedo.The Vice President is a big-boned, heavy featured,formidably built black man. PRESIDENT After the bash take Kenyatta to your office and squeeze the oil out of him. I want 75 bucks a barrel and 20 million barrels a day. Firm. Non-negotiable. VICE-PRESIDENT He’ll never go for it. PRESIDENT Play the tribal loyalty card. Your grandfather’s from Kenya. VICE-PRESIDENT No such luck. My grandfather was a Kikuyu, and Kenyatta is a Mau Mau. They kill on sight. PRESIDENT What started it? VICE-PRESIDENT During the Middle Ages, a fundamental disagreement on Church doctrine regarding the transubstantiation of the Holy Eucharist into the body and blood of Christ. PRESIDENT No wiggle room on that one. Kill or be killed. Seriously, it’s your problem. In a year I’m out of here, on my ranch in Montana, but you, my friend, need low gas and even lower unemployment to get elected dogcatcher, let alone President. VICE-PRESIDENT He knows the politics. I’m over a barrel. (CONTINUED)
  • 8. CONTINUED: 7. PRESIDENT Make him an offer he can’t refuse. VICE-PRESIDENT That went out of style 40 years ago. I’m not the Godfather. PRESIDENT Some things never go out of style. Make sure your surveillance system is turned on. Maybe he’ll let something slip and we can blackmail him into the deal. We’ll loosen him up with plenty of champagne. VICE-PRESIDENT Mr. President, there is one thing you should know about Kenyans. Our tolerance for drugs and alcohol is exceeded only by our propensity for violence and our insatiable sexual appetite. Three bottles of champagne and a ganja stick as big as his dick would phase him not in the slightest. Not like certain white individuals with whom I am familiar. PRESIDENT And to whom are you referring? VICE-PRESIDENT To your best estimation, the sum total of the times at Harvard I hauled your drunken white ass back to our room after but a modicum of indulgence... PRESIDENT Let’s see. Thirty six weeks in the school year. Two party nights per week. That’s 72, times four years, so I’d say 288 times. VICE-PRESIDENT We’ll round to 300 and call it square. PRESIDENT Maddy’s the same way. Oh shit. We’re late. She hates it when I’m late. Remember, Mojo Kenyatta in your office. 75 a barrel. If you (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 9. CONTINUED: 8. PRESIDENT (cont’d) pull it off, I might even vote for you. Let’s go.INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTThe President and First Lady, and their Kenyan counterparts,stand together, four across, at the top of the stairs. PRESIDENT Mr. President, may I present my wife, the First Lady of the United States, Mrs. Madeleine McAdams. KENYATTA The pleasure is mine.They shake hands, their eyes meet, they smile, and somethinghappens. MADELEINE MCADAMS You’ll have to excuse me. I’m not myself tonight. I’ve caught a bad cold. Undoubtedly caused by the White House drafts. KENYATTA My sincere wishes for your most speedy recovery. Health is our most precious commodity. Mr. President. Mrs. McAdams. The First Lady of Kenya.They nod and they shake hands. All four descend the stairs.INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHTPresident McAdams stands at the podium. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Honored guests. Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight is a joyous occasion. The President and First Lady of Kenya join with us to celebrate the close ties between our two countries. I toast to their health and happiness, and to the health and happiness of their entire family.The First Lady takes one small sip. (CONTINUED)
  • 10. CONTINUED: 9.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) Tonight is not a political event, but I must emphasize that we live in perilous times. There is an energy crisis in the United States, due to the difficulty of importing oil at an equitable price.He glances at President Kenyatta. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) The Arab-Israeli issue remains unresolved.He looks at the Israeli ambassador and then to an Arabdiplomat dressed in a long, white flowing robe. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) An Asian nation is attempting to dominate the world - economically and otherwise.He looks at the Chinese ambassador. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) And finally - terrorism. So I propose a toast. To the resolution of these problems.The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) If I’m not mistaken, our distinguished Vice-President would like to add a few words. Ladies and gentleman, Vice-President Reefer Rafer Rufus, no Rafer Rufus Reefer, wait a minute, Rufus Reefer Rafer, damn after all these years I still (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 11. CONTINUED: 10. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) (cont’d) can’t get it right, Reefer Rufus Rafer.The Vice President stands to the podium. VICE PRESIDENT That’s quite all right, Mr. President. I’m used to it. Regarding the President’s words, I could not agree more. These are the key issues of our times. I pronounce them "The Four Points." We don’t need fourteen. "The Four Points." A toast. To the man who stands to face them down. Whoever that may be. "The Four Points."The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses. VICE PRESIDENT(CONT’D) On a personal note. I am called the first African-American Vice-President. That is not true. I am the first Kenyan American Vice-President. My grandfather was of the Kikuyu tribe. I am a son of Kenya, and now, in America, my son attends Harvard.He gives Kenyatta a hard stare. VICE PRESIDENT(CONT’D) To the United States of America.The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses.The Vice-President stands down and Kenyatta ascends to thepodium. (CONTINUED)
  • 12. CONTINUED: 11. KENYATTA I too view "The Four Points" with trepidation, but Kenya is not afraid.He gives the Vice-President a hard stare. KENYATTA (CONT’D) Together we shall overcome all difficulties. America has a partner in Kenya. I toast to our friendship.The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses.The First Lady stands and staggers two steps towards thePresident. She whispers in his ear. MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m drunk as a skunk. I’m going to go splash some water on my face. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Try to smile on your way out.She staggers out of the room.The white-gloved waiters serve the first course - a lobsterbisque.One of the waiters accidentally spills a large portion ontothe front of President Kenyatta’s shirt and tuxedo jacket.Kenyatta rises quickly from his seat, grabs a napkin andwipes himself off. WAITER Mr. President, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. KENYATTA That’s quite all right, young man. Accidents will happen. (CONTINUED)
  • 13. CONTINUED: 12. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Are you okay? KENYATTA Fine. Fine. If you could please direct me to the men’s room. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Top of the main staircase. Turn to the right. End of the hallway. KENYATTA Thank you. I shall return presently.INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTTOP OF THE STAIRS KENYATTA (to himself) Did he say left or right?He turns and walks to the left, and stops half-way down thehall, adjacent to the Vice-President’s office.The First Lady approaches him from the restroom at the endof the hall. MADELEINE MCADAMS (slurring her speech)) What happened to you? KENYATTA An accident with the waiter. It’s nothing. MADELEINE MCADAMS Let me help you.She presses her body against his.She begins wiping the stain with her hand. KENYATTA That’s quite all right. Thank you.She extends her free hand to the crotch area of his trousersand rubs in a slow, circular motion. (CONTINUED)
  • 14. CONTINUED: 13. MADELEINE MCADAMS It’s so hard. I like it.She backs him into the Vice-President’s office.She kicks off her shoes, lifts her dress to waist level,takes off her panties, and lays down on her back on thecarpeted floor. MADELEINE MCADAMS Fuck me !Kenyatta quickly steps out of his trousers and boxer shorts,and they engage in sexual intercourse.He ejaculates into her, groaning softly.They lay together motionless for several seconds.He rises, dresses, and leaves the room.She does the same, a moment later.A blinking green light behind a grate on the ceiling.INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHTThe First Lady re-enters, looking very pale.She staggers over to the President and whispers in his ear. MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m going to be sick. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (to the Attache) Get the nurse in her now.The ATTACHE takes out his cell phone.JJ runs in and escorts the First Lady from the room..As they exit, the First Lady brushes shoulders withPresident Kenyatta re-entering the room, neither taking theslightest notice of one another.
  • 15. 14.INT. VICE-PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - NIGHTVice-President Reefer Rufus Rafer and Kenyan President MojoKenyatta sit across from one another at the Vice-President’smassive desk. VICE PRESIDENT The President appreciates your concern. The First Lady is doing well. KENYATTA A gracious and lovely woman. VICE PRESIDENT And I reciprocate as regards the First Lady of Kenya. KENYATTA Thank you. VICE PRESIDENT How old was she when they cut her clit off? KENYATTA It is the custom of my tribe. VICE PRESIDENT Your tribe is witch doctors and superstition. My tribe is education and the intelligentsia. KENYATTA And my tribe considers it a great disgrace to not safeguard the life of a man’s wife. VICE PRESIDENT There is no defense against disease, and may your Mau Mau witch doctors be damned. KENYATTA It is a fool who disbelieves in a spirit greater than himself. VICE PRESIDENT And it’s a lesser man, or not a man at all, who lacks the manhood to procreate a son. From Harvard my son sends his warm regards.Kenyatta hangs his head in shame. (CONTINUED)
  • 16. CONTINUED: 15. KENYATTA We’re here to discuss the price of oil. VICE PRESIDENT 75 dollars a barrel. 20 million barrels a day. KENYATTA Do you take me for a fool? 85 a barrel. VICE PRESIDENT I don’t take you for a fool. You are a fool. 75 a barrel. KENYATTA 85. VICE PRESIDENT 75.For several iterations their respective mantras remain in an"85 75" loop. VICE PRESIDENT Let’s settle this the Kenyan way. Man to man. KENYATTA Yes. The Kenyan way. Man to man.They stand, take off their tuxedo jackets, roll up theirsleeves, sit back down, and begin to arm wrestle.They resume their "85 75" mantra.Their eyes lock and beads of sweat form on their foreheads,but neither side can gain an advantage.The tension rises to an unbearable level of strength andwill.President McAdams bursts into the room. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Knock it off. Now.The two combatants relax. VICE PRESIDENT He won’t budge. (CONTINUED)
  • 17. CONTINUED: 16. KENYATTA He won’t budge. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Give him the contract.The Vice-President takes a contract out of his top deskdrawer and tosses it on the desk. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Sign it. Now!Kenyatta scans the contract, tears it in half, and throwsthe scraps in the air. KENYATTA Take your toilet paper and wipe your ass. You’re a lame duck, and I ain’t no band leader.He storms out of the room. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Evidently he’s acquainted with "The Godfather." VICE PRESIDENT Yes, but where’s our Luca Brasi, to make him an offer he can’t refuse? PRESIDENT MCADAMS He’s out there. Don’t worry. We’ll find him. VICE PRESIDENT From your mouth to God’s ear.INT. PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM - NIGHTThe First Lady is sprawled in bed, half asleep.The President disrobes down to his boxer shorts and gets inbed beside her. PRESIDENT MCADAMS How are you feeling? MADELEINE MCADAMS Much better, but I don’t remember a thing after the fourth toast. (CONTINUED)
  • 18. CONTINUED: 17. PRESIDENT MCADAMS The waiter spilled soup all over Kenyatta. MADELEINE MCADAMS That’s right. I remember something about soup all over his shirt. PRESIDENT MCADAMS You were out of the room when it happened. MADELEINE MCADAMS I was? Well, the whole evening is a blur. What about the oil? PRESIDENT MCADAMS No deal. The Vice-President is not tough enough. We need somebody hard as nails. MADELEINE MCADAMS Like you? PRESIDENT MCADAMS Like me seven years ago. Wearing a velvet glove. My heart’s not in this kind of fight anymore. I’m on my way out. MADELEINE MCADAMS Not with me you’re not.They make love.INT. KENYA PRESIDENTIAL PALACE - DAYPresident Mojo Kenyatta sits at the head of a long mahoganyconference table. He wears a military uniform and hisexpression is menacing.Six high level cabinet ministers, each attired in a darksuit, white shirt, and maroon tie, three on each side of thetable.They look fearful. KENYATTA Today we face a national crisis. My wife has delivered herself of (disparagingly) "a female child."The ministers exchange wary glances. (CONTINUED)
  • 19. CONTINUED: 18. KENYATTA My wives have failed me. MINISTER ONE You must take another.Kenyatta bangs his fist on the table. KENYATTA No. The Great Spirit speaks. He calls for vengeance. Vengeance and blood. To lift this curse. When the Great Spirit is appeased, then I shall have a son. Until then, vengeance and blood. MINISTER TWO Are we not gathered together to hear your most sublime and wise pronouncement? KENYATTA I am a man educated in the ways of Western justice. We chop off their heads. MINISTER THREE A most excellent suggestion. After a fair trial, of course. KENYATTA Not necessarily. First the sentence, then the verdict, then the trial. It’s in "Alice in Wonderland." MINISTER FOUR As fine a work of literature as ever written, but may I make a counter suggestion to that of my most distinguished colleague? KENYATTA If you value your life, it had better be a good one. Proceed. MINISTER FOUR A signed confession from each of them. Think Joseph Stalin and the Great Purge of 1932. (CONTINUED)
  • 20. CONTINUED: 19. MINISTER FIVE And if I may be so bold to ask, what precisely is the charge? KENYATTA Treason, of course. Each of you shall prepare an airtight case against one of my wives, fully documented, together with a freely coerced signed confession. The world must see that I am a man of justice. After all, we are not savages. MINISTER SIX And when do you decree this task be done? KENYATTA I want each head on a platter by sunrise tomorrow, and fed to the buzzards for breakfast. The Great Spirit must be appeased. MINISTER ONE And how are we to choose the one who meets the justice of which you so nobly speak? KENYATTA As fine a question as ever has been asked, but anticipated, most assuredly anticipated.He removes his military cap, into which he places six scrapsof paper.He pushes the cap to the center of the table. KENYATTA Proceed.The ministers draw from the cap. MINISTER ONE Akihla. The First Lady. KENYATTA Good. Make it slow. I’ll never forgive her for twin girls.. (CONTINUED)
  • 21. CONTINUED: 20. MINISTER TWO Ghinjo. MINISTER THREE Fatuma. MINISTER FOUR Habiba. MINISTER FIVE Ramia. MINISTER SIX Fafa ! Sir, with all due respect, she’s only thirteen. KENYATTA Her lucky number. Send her back to her daddy’s farm. He’s a loyal tribesman. Remember, you Oxford educated, kinky haired, pearl teethed, flat nosed, rhinoceros horned, leopard clawed, black-skinned, blood soaked bastards. (pompously) "The quality of mercy is not strained...it is an attribute of God himself." William Shakespeare. "The Merchant of Venice." MINISTER SIX Your erudition bespeaks your wisdom. KENYATTA All of you. Get to work. I have a meeting scheduled with the Chinese ambassador. They want to trade rice for oil. Don’t those people ever quit? How stupid do they think we are? After all, we’re not Americans.EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAYTime lapse of eight and one-half months.
  • 22. 21.INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION ROOM - DAYA long line of people extends from a table where First LadyMadeleine McAdams is seated.She signs autographs of her book.JJ stands directly behind her.The First Lady stands and stretches, revealing a near fullterm pregnancy. WOMAN ONE I loved the part about your days as an actress, doing "The Taming of the Shrew." MADELEINE MCADAMS We’ll be doing a sequel soon. On the stiletto high-heel business. We’re calling it "The Framing of the Shoe." But don’t worry. There’s a point to it. WOMAN ONE (laughing) I think it’s wonderful that you are donating all the proceeds to charity. MADELEINE MCADAMS So many African orphans need our help.MONTAGE:Signings, smiles and casual conversation.INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION ROOM - DAYThe agents close the door.One WOMAN remains. Unkempt appearance, pale blue eyes sunkendeeply into her ghostly white face. Pregnant, nearly fullterm. MADELEINE MCADAMS Do you have a book, my dear?The woman sinks to her knees. (CONTINUED)
  • 23. CONTINUED: 22.The Secret Service agents start forward but the First Ladymotions them to stay back. WOMAN Please. You must help me. I’m begging you. Please. Help me. MADELEINE MCADAMS What is it, my dear? Tell me. WOMAN My family. My family. MADELEINE MCADAMS What about your family? WOMAN (sobbing) My husband lost his job. I have four children at home. Another on the way. Our house is being foreclosed. We don’t have enough to eat. MADELEINE MCADAMS Please. Stand up. What is your name? WOMAN Viola. Viola Banks. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you. MADELEINE MCADAMS No. That’s quite all right. Mrs. Banks, I want to help you. Here. Write down your address. Someone will be out to see you. I promise.Mrs. Banks writes on a piece of paper.JJ leans over and takes it from off the table WOMAN Thank you. You are very kind. MADELEINE MCADAMS I see that you and I have something in common WOMAN Yes. Five is my lucky number. (CONTINUED)
  • 24. CONTINUED: 23. MADELEINE MCADAMS It’s my first, you know.Suddenly the woman’s water breaks.The amniotic water trickles out from under her skirt.She doubles over in pain. WOMAN It’s starting. Oh... MADELEINE MCADAMS Get her to a hospital. Now.A Secret Service agents rushes her out of the room.The First Lady stands and turns to JJ. MADELEINE MCADAMS (CONT’D) Don’t lose that address.INT. PRIVATE BEDROOM - NIGHTThe First Lady lies flat on her back on the floor, her kneeselevated, breathing deeply.JJ kneels by her side. JJ One two. One two. Breathe deep. Good. One two. One two. Breathe deep. Good. One two. One two. MADELEINE MCADAMS JJ. It’s starting. I can feel it. Something’s moving. JJ Relax girl. That’s just the first contraction. We have plenty of time. MADELEINE MCADAMS No. No. No. It’s coming out. The baby’s coming out.JJ strips off the First Lady’s sweat pants. JJ Oh my God. This is the fastest I’ve ever seen. Hold on girl. You’re (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 25. CONTINUED: 24. JJ (cont’d) right. I can see the top of the head already. Push girl. Push. Push. Push. Here it comes.The First Lady delivers the child.JJ bites off the umbilical cord. The First Lady ejects theplacenta.JJ takes the baby by the ankles, turns it over, and swats iton the butt. BABY Wah ! JJ It’s a boy. It’s a boy. MADELEINE MCADAMS Oh my God. A boy. JJ Get into bed. I’ll be right back.JJ takes the baby and hurries off into an adjacent bathroom.The First Lady crawls into bed.JJ returns with the baby wrapped in a blanket and hands thebundle to the First Lady.She looks deeply into the baby’s face, and then slowlyloosens the blanket so as to inspect every inch of thebaby’s body. MADELEINE MCADAMS JJ ? JJ I know. MADELEINE MCADAMS This baby is a "knee grow." JJ I know. MADELEINE MCADAMS How could this happen? (CONTINUED)
  • 26. CONTINUED: 25. JJ You tell me, girl. MADELEINE MCADAMS JJ? How long ago was the President of Kenya here? JJ Don’t tell me... MADELEINE MCADAMS Just answer the question. How long ago was he here? JJ Let me think. About nine months ago. MADELEINE MCADAMS Oh shit. JJ What happened? MADELEINE MCADAMS That was the night I got so drunk on the champagne. There was always something bothering me about that night. JJ Like what? MADELEINE MCADAMS Like what do you think? That I had sex with the President of Kenya on the floor of the Vice-President’s office. I thought it was just a dream. JJ For the first time in my life, I am speechless. MADELEINE MCADAMS What do we do? The whole fucking world knows I’m pregnant. JJ I hereby tender my resignation as your nurse, personal assistant, and best friend. (CONTINUED)
  • 27. CONTINUED: 26. MADELEINE MCADAMS Seriously. What do we do? JJ Where’s the President? MADELEINE MCADAMS He’s in Miami. Campaigning for your lover boy. He’ll be back tomorrow. JJ He ain’t my lover boy no more. Anyhow, we have until tomorrow to think of something. MADELEINE MCADAMS Think of something? We’re stuck. He’s so cute. Look at that dimple on his chinny chin chin. JJ I know. We’ll kill him, stuff the body down the new White House Kenmore garbage disposal, powerful as hell, and tell the world you had a miscarriage. MADELEINE MCADAMS What a great idea. But you make an interesting point. JJ I do? MADELEINE MCADAMS Yes. His name. How about Kenmore? After Kenyatta. Kenya. Get it. Ken for short. JJ I was thinking Hugo. After Hugo Black, the Supreme Court justice. MADELEINE MCADAMS How about Byron? After Byron White, another Supreme Court justice. JJ You know who my favorite singer is? James Brown. (CONTINUED)
  • 28. CONTINUED: 27. MADELEINE MCADAMS Stop. You’re making me laugh, and I still hurt. Okay. We’ll go with James. James Kenmore - after the garbage disposal - Kenyatta. It’s got a nice ring to it. James Kenmore Kenyatta. JJ I know. I’ll take Baby James, and say I adopted an African orphan. Nobody will think a thing of it. MADELEINE MCADAMS That’s a great idea, but we’re still a baby short. Three billion people know I’m pregnant. I’ve got to produce something. JJ You could buy one on the black market. MADELEINE MCADAMS Please. Stop with the jokes already. It would have to be the white market. Besides, we don’t have time to go baby shopping before Madison gets back.The First Lady and JJ stare at one another. JJ Don’t tell me you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, ’cuz that’s what I’m thinking. (pause) Viola Banks. MADELEINE MCADAMS Exactly. The woman at the book signing. You’ve got her address. You go and buy her brand new baby for a million dollars. Cash. So we don’t leave a paper trail. Be sure to take your phony CIA card. Tell her it’s national security something or other. Besides, for number five, a million dollars is going to be hard to resist. JJ How are you going to get a million dollars cash tonight, girl? (CONTINUED)
  • 29. CONTINUED: 28. MADELEINE MCADAMS Madison’s got a million dollars stashed in his safe in the Oval Office. You know, for instant bribes, hush money, all that sort of thing. Only three people know the combination. Madison. Me. And our esteemed Vice President, Mr. Reefer Rufus Rafer. JJ Naturally, he’ll get blamed for stealing it. MADELEINE MCADAMS Well...yes...but it’s either him or me. JJ I’m not worried. That old dog will find a way to wiggle out of it. Did I tell you he dogged me out with the French President’s wife? MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m not surprised. She’s such a slut. Anyhow, help me down to the Oval Office. I’d have you go alone, but it’s eyeball sensitive. And let’s clean up that afterbirth when we get back. It stinks.INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAYPresident McAdams stands at the podium. NEWSMAN ONE Mr. President, on behalf of the press corps, congratulations on the birth of your son, and we are all most gratified to hear that mother and child are doing well. Have you and the First Lady decided on a name? PRESIDENT Yes. His full name is Lennon McCartney McAdams. NEWSMAN ONE Sir, that is a bold and righteous name. I take it you are both Beatles fans. (CONTINUED)
  • 30. CONTINUED: 29. PRESIDENT Of course. Much more than The Rolling Stones, but that’s a joke for later. NEWSWOMAN ONE And does the baby favor you? PRESIDENT The First Lady is taking credit for his blond hair and blue eyes, but he has the cutest round little pink tummy, just like his daddy. NEWSMAN TWO And the godparents? PRESIDENT The godfather shall be our esteemed Vice-President, and next President of the United States, Rufus Reefer Rafer...I mean Rafer Rufus Reefer...I mean Reefer Rufus Rafer...damn, I still can’t get that straight. And the godmother, Miss Jelsma Jones, my wife’s best friend and closest confidante. NEWSWOMAN TWO Sir, most political pundits attribute your party’s favorable ratings to your "Four Points" speech of last year, during the Kenyan president’s state visit. PRESIDENT Yes. That was a most fruitful occasion. NEWSWOMAN TWO Would you mind repeating them, for the record? They say so much in so few words. PRESIDENT Gladly. One. Reduce the cost of foreign oil. Two. Resolve the bitter conflict between Arabs and Israelis. Three. Fight the threat of China’s quest for world domination. Four. End terrorism, no matter what it takes. (CONTINUED)
  • 31. CONTINUED: 30. NEWSMAN THREE Thank you, Mr. President. May God bless your family.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYThe President and Vice-President sit facing each other onopposing sofas, drinking brandy and smoking cigars. PRESIDENT I’ve got an hour to spare. The ambassador from Turkey canceled his appointment. He’s protesting. VICE PRESIDENT’ Protesting what. PRESIDENT Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. VICE PRESIDENT Couldn’t you squeeze in the ambassador from Greece? PRESIDENT Greece and Turkey are deadly enemies. VICE PRESIDENT So get the ambassador from Hungary to mediate.The President leans back and puffs on his cigar. PRESIDENT Where’s the money? VICE PRESIDENT What money? PRESIDENT The money that you stole. VICE PRESIDENT From my brother’s piggy bank? PRESIDENT’ I didn’t know you had a brother. VICE PRESIDENT I ain’t got No-o-o-o brother. We black folk always be talkin’ ’bout (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 32. CONTINUED: 31. VICE PRESIDENT (cont’d) brother this and brother that. I mean, it is common in the black community for one male to refer to another black male as his brother. PRESIDENT (angrily) I’m not talking about anybody’s piggy bank. I’m talking about the money in my safe. VICE PRESIDENT Oh that money. I didn’t steal that money. PRESIDENT Then how did you know it was stolen? VICE PRESIDENT You just told me. PRESIDENT No I didn’t. I said I was talking about it. VICE PRESIDENT So it’s still there. PRESIDENT No it’s not. VICE PRESIDENT How much? PRESIDENT You should know. VICE PRESIDENT How could I know how much money I stole if I didn’t steal it? PRESIDENT A million dollars. VICE PRESIDENT A million dollars ! I thought we was talkin’ ’bout some real money. A million dollars of government money is a fart in a hurricane. (CONTINUED)
  • 33. CONTINUED: 32. PRESIDENT It wasn’t government money. It was my money. For a down payment on my ranch. VICE PRESIDENT And you think I stole it. PRESIDENT I know you stole it. VICE PRESIDENT My dear sir, esteemed and honored President, and best friend, one cannot possess knowledge of that which is both inherently untrue, a priori, and lacks the empirical evidence necessary to substantiate the verity of the supposition. According to Aristotle. PRESIDENT Aristotle also states that when there are only three possibilities as to what is true, and two of them can be reduced to logical absurdities - reducto ad absurdum - then perforce the third option is true, by default, and need not be substantiated with empirical data. VICE PRESIDENT Given that access to the safe is under the purview of but three individuals, with whom we are well acquainted, and the safe sleeps securely, protected by an eyeball scanning device, then only one conclusion suggests itself. Maddy stole the money. PRESIDENT I asked her. VICE PRESIDENT What did she say? PRESIDENT Nothing. She slapped me across the face. Besides, why would she possibly want to steal a million dollars? She’s on top of the world. (CONTINUED)
  • 34. CONTINUED: 33. VICE PRESIDENT Then you stole it. PRESIDENT No one can steal his own money. VICE PRESIDENT You’re right. It seems that we are at a bit of an impasse. However, from my point of view, I know that Maddy stole it because I know that I didn’t. PRESIDENT Your point of view is known only to yourself. You must respect my position. My best friend of 30 years, whose loyalty is as true as truth itself, denies it. My beloved wife, the love of my life, the mother of my son, who lacks the slightest need to steal, denies it. I have no choice. VICE PRESIDENT What are you saying? PRESIDENT You have one week to prove your innocence. If you can prove that Maddy did it, and I mean prove, I’ll find out why, and then forgive her. If not, I will kill your candidacy for President of the United States. This is NOT your college roommate speaking. You are excused. VICE PRESIDENT Yes sir.EXT. FRONT PORCH OF BUNGALOW - NIGHTThe Vice President knocks on the door. JJ answers. JJ What are you doing sniffin’ ’round here, you old dog. VICE PRESIDENT We need to talk. (CONTINUED)
  • 35. CONTINUED: 34. JJ We don’t need to talk ’bout ’nothin’. Go talk to the Queen of France. VICE PRESIDENT Please. I’m sorry. JJ So now you’re sorry ’bout doggin’ me out with that white bitch. VICE PRESIDENT I’m begging you. It’s my life. JJ Okay. C’mon in. I’ll give you five minutes.He enters the house and they sit in the living room. JJ Well? VICE PRESIDENT The President’s threatening to kill my candidacy. JJ So? VICE PRESIDENT He thinks I stole a million dollars from his safe. JJ I’m sure you did. VICE PRESIDENT I did not. I’m innocent. JJ Nobody’s innocent. VICE PRESIDENT JJ. You’ve got to believe me. I’m a philanderer. I’m a political scoundrel. But I am not a thief. JJ Yes you are. You stole my heart, before you broke it. (CONTINUED)
  • 36. CONTINUED: 35. VICE PRESIDENT It will never happen again. JJ You damn straight it will never happen again, ’cuz your five minutes is up. You know the way out. VICE PRESIDENT Wait. I’ve got to prove that Maddy did it. JJ (furious) Get out. Now.A loud, piercing cry from the next room. BABY JAMES Wah ! VICE PRESIDENT What was that? JJ Never you mind.JJ hurries out of the living room, into the bedroom. TheVice President follows her.He sees JJ changing the baby’s soiled diapers. VICE PRESIDENT Whose baby is that? JJ I thought I told you to get out. (to Baby James). There. There. Mommy’s going to change your diapie wipies. You’re all poopie woopie. That’s a good boy. VICE PRESIDENT Girl. What are you doin’ with that baby? JJ I’m baby sitting. VICE PRESIDENT Why you got a crib, a basinette and a changing table all set up? And (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 37. CONTINUED: 36. VICE PRESIDENT (cont’d) all those bottles. Must be some long-time baby sitting. JJ Mind your own damn business. VICE PRESIDENT I know when you be lyin’. Is that your baby? JJ Yeah. It’s my baby. VICE PRESIDENT You be lyin’ again. I been keepin’ an eye on you. You’ve been flat as a board. You ain’t been carryin’ no baby. JJ I adopted him. He’s an African orphan. Look for yourself. He’s blacker than your black ass.He peers over the side of the crib. VICE PRESIDENT That baby ain’t even a week old. JJ So what? I got a good deal at the baby store. A holiday blow out sale. All sales final. No refunds. No returns. VICE PRESIDENT How much you pay for him? JJ A million dollars.She puts her hand over her mouth. He notices.JJ wraps the soiled diaper into a small bundle and places iton the side table.The Vice President surreptitiously snatches the bundle andputs it in his pocket.She carries the baby out of the room. He follows. (CONTINUED)
  • 38. CONTINUED: 37. JJ Now we gonna get some milky wilky. Yummy yummy. VICE PRESIDENT Excuse me for this untimely intrusion. I can see that you are occupied with far more important matters than my petty political concerns. JJ All I can say is that if he cans your ass, you deserve it. VICE PRESIDENT Like for stealing a million dollars. It ain’t me who’s gonna get the can. JJ You know where the door is. Use it. (to Baby James) Oh you’re such a cutie pie.INT. VICE-PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - DAYThe Vice-President is at his desk, telephone pressed to hisear. VICE PRESIDENT Have you done the analysis? SCIENTIST Concerning the fecal matter smear sample which your excellency sent to my office yesterday for DNA analysis, I would like to remind our esteemed Vice President that this is the Food and Drug Administration, and that fecal matter, or "shit" to use the vernacular, by congressional definition, falls more properly under the purview of the Department of Energy. Nevertheless, I was able to circumvent this restriction by redefining "food" as that nutrient substance which both enters and exits the body through its respective orifices. (CONTINUED)
  • 39. CONTINUED: 38. VICE PRESIDENT Get to the point. SCIENTIST Using a hash algorithm, I ran a massive cross-referencing search against our database and was unable to determine the paternal progenitor. VICE PRESIDENT Oh. Is that all? SCIENTIST Not exactly. (pause) Mr. Vice President, is this a secure line? VICE PRESIDENT So secure even the Chinese can’t hack into it, although they’ve been trying. SCIENTIST As to maternal parentage, I found an exact match. One hundred percent certainty. VICE PRESIDENT Who’s the mama? SCIENTIST Mrs. Madeleine McAdams, the First Lady of the United States of America. VICE PRESIDENT Holy shit ! SCIENTIST Yes sir. That would be one way of putting it. VICE PRESIDENT Who knows about these results, besides yourself? SCIENTIST No one. I personally conducted this test in total secrecy. VICE PRESIDENT Very good. Upon my election to the Presidency, I shall appoint you to a cabinet level position. (CONTINUED)
  • 40. CONTINUED: 39. SCIENTIST Thank you sir. I am honored to be of service. VICE PRESIDENT One minor point for your consideration. If you should ever so much as utter the words "DNA," "shit" and "First Lady" in the same sentence...I will have you killed. Now, is there anything I just said that you don’t understand? SCIENTIST No sir. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. Thank you. VICE PRESIDENT Goodbye.He takes a calendar out of his top desk drawer and countsback nine months.With his remote, he rewinds his surveillance camera to thedate of Mojo Kenyatta’s visit.A wicked smile on his face, he watches the sexual encounterbetween the First Lady and Mojo Kenyatta. VICE PRESIDENT I am a Grade A, government certified, full-fledged, bona fide motherfucker, and the next President of the United States.EXT. WHITE HOUSE VERANDA - DAYThe First Lady, JJ, and the Vice-President partake of a latemorning breakfast. VICE PRESIDENT A most excellent repast. A meal properly prepared elevates the mood as it satisfies the body’s needs. (pause) Do you know what my nickname was in high school? JJ Asshole? (CONTINUED)
  • 41. CONTINUED: 40. VICE PRESIDENT Quite the contrary. Sherlock. As in Sherlock Holmes. The man who solves the mysteries. MADELEINE MCADAMS Mr. Vice President. Get to the point. We all have busy schedules. VICE PRESIDENT Very well then. You and JJ stole the million dollars and I can prove it. JJ The only thing you can prove is that when you drop your pants, you’re a dickless bastard. VICE PRESIDENT You weren’t complaining six months ago. JJ That’s before you caught the French disease. Thanks for the dose. MADELEINE MCADAMS Would you two stop squabbling. You can prove nothing. VICE PRESIDENT Right. I’m an ignorant nigger, but you ain’t sending me back to no plantation. You are the mother of JJ’s black assed baby. Mojo Kenyatta is the father, and you stole the million to buy a white baby from...somewhere. MADELEINE MCADAMS (stunned) JJ ? JJ His hang dog self came shufflin’ around my house night before last, lookin’ like Mastah Mr. President given him a first class whuppin’ in the woodshed, so I took pity on the poor fool and let him in for five minutes. He got a look at Baby James, but that don’t prove shit. (CONTINUED)
  • 42. CONTINUED: 41. VICE PRESIDENT I beg to differ. Shit proves shit. When you weren’t looking I copped his soiled diapers and had a DNA test run on it. Our esteemed First Lady is the mother of Baby James. MADELEINE MCADAMS Of course you could find no match as to paternal parentage. VICE PRESIDENT Quite the contrary. The father is Mojo Kenyatta. JJ You a damned liar. MADELEINE MCADAMS Mr. Vice President, with all due respect, under a recent addition to the Geneva Convention, to which both the United States and Kenya are signatories, it is illegal under international law for any country to maintain the DNA records of any official from any other country. Such an infraction would incur severe economic sanctions. Therefore, JJ is correct. You are a damned liar. VICE PRESIDENT Nevertheless, the fact that I have proof that you are the mother of Baby James is enough to convince the President that you stole the million. MADELEINE MCADAMS If you go to the President, it will be your death warrant. VICE PRESIDENT Not on your life. MADELEINE MCADAMS Not on your life. Because you are the father. I’ll say you raped me. VICE PRESIDENT Nice try, Mrs. Madeleine McAdams, but I have a surveillance video (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 43. CONTINUED: 42. VICE PRESIDENT (cont’d) showing you and Mojo Kenyatta having sex on the floor of my office. MADELEINE MCADAMS Even nicer try, Reefer Rufus Rafer. I have no doubt you have such a video, but the room was darkly lit, and all it will show is a big black man in a tuxedo having sex with me. I’ll say it was you, raping me. JJ Jesus Christ Maddy. Where did you learn to play hardball? MADELEINE MCADAMS How do you think Madison got to be President? VICE PRESIDENT I’m taking those diapers to Kenya and I can prove paternity there. MADELEINE MCADAMS You can’t just disappear for a week. You’re in the middle of a presidential campaign. You’re booked. The press will launch a manhunt. I’ll tell the President you’re sneaking off to Kenya to do a side deal for their oil, to line your own pockets. It’s impossible for you to get away. JJ In other words, your black ass is stymied. VICE PRESIDENT You let me worry about my own black ass. You got enough to worry about with your fat old thing. JJ And you couldn’t find yours with both hands. MADELEINE MCADAMS Mr. Vice President, I believe you know the way out. (CONTINUED)
  • 44. CONTINUED: 43. JJ This dumb ass bastard couldn’t find his way out of a bathroom stall. VICE PRESIDENT You mark my words, ladies. This is not over. I will be the President.He storms out of the room. MADELEINE MCADAMS What do you think, JJ ? Are we in the clear ? JJ I think so, but I’m not sure. I keep getting this feeling that there’s something we don’t know about, and that he’s got another trick up his sleeve. MADELEINE MCADAMS Like what? JJ Like I have no idea. But we’ll find out.INT. CAR - NIGHTThe Vice President drives a black Cadillac Escalade along abumpy dirt road through a heavy forest.Beside him sits his son, MARVIN(21). MARVIN Tell me again why we have to fly to Kenya tonight. VICE PRESIDENT It’s time you learned about your roots. MARVIN I don’t think this is the way to the airport. VICE PRESIDENT Shortcut. (CONTINUED)
  • 45. CONTINUED: 44. MARVIN Through the backwoods of Virginia? You’re moon shining, and you got a still stashed out here. VICE PRESIDENT Campaign finance is a tough business. MARVIN Is it true that the women in Kenya are beautiful, servile, accommodating, and put out like rabbits ? VICE PRESIDENT What’s wrong with the women at Harvard? MARVIN They’re not women. They’re girls. I like my women whose skirts are higher than their IQ’s. VICE PRESIDENT Remember what Abe Lincoln said. A woman can run faster with her skirts up than a man can with his pants down. MARVIN What’s that smell? VICE PRESIDENT Shit. MARVIN You should watch where you’re stepping. VICE PRESIDENT I didn’t step in no dog pooh, boy. It’s in my pocket. MARVIN Well get rid of it. It stinks. VICE PRESIDENT I can’t. We’re taking it to Kenya. That’s why we’re going. (CONTINUED)
  • 46. CONTINUED: 45. MARVIN We’re going to Kenya to take shit to Kenya. Are you crazy? VICE PRESIDENT I have to personally deliver it to someone. MARVIN Who? VICE PRESIDENT The President of Kenya. MARVIN Wait a motherfucking minute. We’re traveling all the way to Kenya so you can personally deliver shit to the President of Kenya. VICE PRESIDENT That’s what I said. MARVIN Why don’t you just Fed Ex it ? VICE PRESIDENT Don’t you know nothin’ boy? There are customs regulations against sending shit overseas. MARVIN So I’ve got to travel 24 hours and 10 thousand miles smelling dog shit. VICE PRESIDENT It ain’t no dog shit. Who said it was dog shit? This is some high class baby shit. MARVIN Baby shit ! Whose baby? VICE PRESIDENT That’s a secret. MARVIN Don’t tell me ! VICE PRESIDENT It’s not what you’re thinking. (CONTINUED)
  • 47. CONTINUED: 46. MARVIN I don’t know what I’m thinking, but you’re delivering the First Lady’s baby shit to the President of Kenya? Is this your idea of some kind of official government gift? VICE PRESIDENT It’s a lot more complicated than that. MARVIN Well I ain’t going. I am not smelling shit halfway around the world. I don’t care whose baby it is. VICE PRESIDENT Don’t worry. It’s almost dry. In an hour you won’t be smelling nothin’. MARVIN Well that’s a relief. I’m sure the President of Kenya will appreciate that as well. Dry shit is so much more...how shall I say it..."elegant" than the wet and stinky kind.The car stops in front of a small cabin made of earth andwood. VICE PRESIDENT We’re here.The Vice President and Marvin walk to the door. The VicePresident knocks.The door opens and there stands a heavy set black man indenim overalls.His features and build are identical to those of theVice-President.The two identical twins lock eyes. RUFUS What you want ? REEFER Got to talk. (CONTINUED)
  • 48. CONTINUED: 47. RUFUS (looking at Marvin) Who that? REEFER My son. Marvin. RUFUS Talk about what? REEFER I need your help. RUFUS Mama said so. (pause) Come in.INT. LOG CABIN - NIGHTAn amber glow from the fireplace.A floor of rough hewn wooden planks.A dilapidated easy chair in front of the fire.Rickety wooden chairs scattered throughout.RUFUS limps to his chair and sits down.Reefer and Marvin sit nearby. REEFER Your limp’s got bad. RUFUS Eighteen years on a chain gang will do that to a man. REEFER I’m sorry about what happened. RUFUS Sorry ain’t nothin’. You got the good breaks. I got the bad. That’s life.The Vice President offers an envelope. REEFER Here’s a thousand dollars. (CONTINUED)
  • 49. CONTINUED: 48. RUFUS Keep your money. I don’t need it. REEFER Marvin and I are flying to Africa tonight. RUFUS So what? REEFER We’ll be gone a week. It’s a secret mission. Nobody knows I’m going. (pause) I need you to be the Vice President for a week. MARVIN What? REEFER Shut up boy. RUFUS Mama always said you was a fool. REEFER So will you do it? RUFUS Don’t know. Got to think about it. REEFER All you got to do is make a few speeches, and then hang around the White House. Just do what my Attache tells you to do. He thinks I’m a dumb nigger, anyhow. RUFUS I ain’t no dumb nigger, nigger. REEFER I know you ain’t no dumb nigger. Mama always said you was stronger than me, and you was smarter than me. RUFUS I know what Mama said, but she ain’t here no more. (CONTINUED)
  • 50. CONTINUED: 49. REEFER You’ve got to do this for me, brother. RUFUS I ain’t doin’ nothin’ for you. I be doin’ it for Mama. She said this day would come. REEFER So you’ll do it. RUFUS Yeah. I’ll do it. For Mama. REEFER Great. Okay. We got to switch clothes and cars. Here’s my official ID. You’ll be staying in the Vice Presidential suite at the White House. I’ve got a fake passport for the trip. Marvin, put the bags in your uncle’s car. Here. Don’t forget this. (hands Marvin wrapped diaper). And bring me in the green bag.Marvin exits and Rufus and Reefer exchange clothes.Marvin re-enters, carrying a green bag, from which Reefertakes an Afro wig, a pair of horn-rimmed glasses, and a fakemustache.He dons his disguise. REEFER How do I look? MARVIN Ridiculous. REEFER Good. Just the effect I want.He turns to Rufus and shakes his hand. REEFER Thank you my brother.(pause) What was that they called you on the gang? (CONTINUED)
  • 51. CONTINUED: 50. RUFUS Hard As Nails. REEFER Right. Hard As Nails.EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTThe black Cadillac Escalade pulls up to the main entrance.Rufus walks up the steps, limping noticeably.He stops in front of a young African-American Marine, who isstanding guard. RUFUS Evening soldier. GUARD Good evening, Mr. Vice President, sir. RUFUS Cold night. GUARD Yes sir. RUFUS I seen colder. GUARD So have I, sir. RUFUS Where you from? GUARD Minnesota. RUFUS Never been. They tell me it gets so cold there your piss freezes ’fore it hits the ground. GUARD That has been known to happen, sir. Thirty below ain’t nothin’ where I’m from. (CONTINUED)
  • 52. CONTINUED: 51. RUFUS What’s your name, soldier? GUARD Corporal Lance Lincoln, sir. RUFUS You’re a good man, Lance Corporal Lincoln. GUARD Sir, that’s Corporal Lance Lincoln, not Lance Corporal Lincoln. It’s a common mistake. RUFUS I respect a man who’s not afraid to speak the truth. Where’s the Vice Presidential suite? GUARD Sir? RUFUS You heard me. Where’s the Vice Presidential suite? GUARD Uh...up to the top of the main staircase, to the right, third door on the left. RUFUS And his office? GUARD Top of the stairs, turn left, third door on the right. RUFUS Thank you, Corporal Lance Lincoln. Try to stay warm. GUARD Yes sir.INT. WHITE HOUSE LOBBY - NIGHTA bow-tied, bespectacled, buttoned-down little twerpapproaches Rufus. (CONTINUED)
  • 53. CONTINUED: 52. ATTACHE Where have you been? The Secret Service was frantic. You must let us know at all times of your whereabouts. If you insist on seeing one of your mistresses, it is imperative that I be notified well ahead of time, in writing, or I shall have to inform the President of your breach of security procedures.With one hand Rufus clutches the Attache’s neck. RUFUS Who you talkin’ to? ATTACHE I beg your pardon. RUFUS Don’t go beggin’ me no pardon. I said who you talkin’ to? ATTACHE (gasping for air) I’m talking to you. Isn’t that obvious?Rufus squeezes harder. RUFUS I said who you talkin’ to, motherfucker. ATTACHE (choking) I’m talking to the Vice President of the United States. RUFUS You damn straight. Remember that, unless you want to be cleaning toilets in the White House basement.He lets loose. ATTACHE Yes sir. With all due respect sir, I noticed you were limping. Did you injure yourself? (CONTINUED)
  • 54. CONTINUED: 53. RUFUS Ain’t none of your damn business. ATTACHE No sir. I just thought you might require medical attention. RUFUS Ain’t no medical attention be fixin’ 18 years on a chain gang. ATTACHE I don’t understand. Oh. I get it. A joke. Yes sir. Very funny. 18 years on a chain gang. Very funny. RUFUS Ain’t nothin’ funny ’bout 18 years on a chain gang. ATTACHE No sir. I take those things very seriously. Yes I do. RUFUS What you know about a chain gang? ATTACHE Nothing sir. I was just saying...I mean I was agreeing with you that...well, as you know, the President is working very hard to eliminate all vestiges of racial discrimination, particularly in the Deep South...and... RUFUS Shut the fuck up and be in my office eight o’clock tomorrow morning. ATTACHE Yes sir. Right away sir. Eight o’clock tomorrow morning. Sir.INT. VICE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE - DAYThe door opens and Rufus and the Attache enter.Rufus limps across the room towards his desk.The Attache follows two steps behind, mocking his limp. (CONTINUED)
  • 55. CONTINUED: 54.Rufus stops, turns quickly and catches him in the act. RUFUS (with cold menace) Did I ever tell you about Rattlesnake Stan? ATTACHE No sir. I don’t believe so. RUFUS Meanest guard that ever was. Shot Wee Willie right between the eyes for looking at him sideways. Wee Willie weren’t no sidewinder, but he stayed dead. ATTACHE Wee Willie? RUFUS Biggest dick you ever seen. (pause) What you got there?He hands Rufus a sheet of paper. ATTACHE This is your schedule for the day.Rufus scans the schedule. RUFUS Says here a speech to the Iron Workers Union in an hour. ATTACHE Yes sir. One of our strongest constituencies. I suggest you give your standard speech on The Four Points. RUFUS What are The Four Points? ATTACHE Really sir? You don’t remember The Four Points? Are they too much for you? Four is a big number.Very slowly and calmly, Rufus places the paper on his desk,turns back to the Attache, grabs him hard by the front ofhis shirt and lifts him two feet off the ground. (CONTINUED)
  • 56. CONTINUED: 55. RUFUS Listen to me, you bucked tooth, scrawny assed, lily livered, wall eyed, needle nosed faggot son of a bitch. I’ll slap the shit out of your ass. You wouldn’t last five minutes on the line before one of the brothers fucked you in the ass then slit your throat. Now I asked you a straightforward question, and you have two seconds to give me an answer, before I throw you head first out the window. Do you hear me, sucker? One... ATTACHE (quickly) Point one is that Kenya won’t sell us their oil at the price we want. Point two is the Arab Israeli conflict. Point three is China’s attempt to dominate the world. Point four is international terrorism.Rufus tosses him aside like a rag doll. RUFUS Good. Call the limo. We’re going to let the Iron Workers know what’s up. ATTACHE Yes sir. Right away sir.INT. AUDITORIUM - DAYThe auditorium is filled to capacity.Rufus loosens his tie, takes off his suit jacket and tossesit aside, and rolls up his sleeves.Polite applause. RUFUS Are you ready to talk? CROWD Hmmm. (CONTINUED)
  • 57. CONTINUED: 56. RUFUS I said are you ready to talk. CROWD (louder) Yes. RUFUS I said are you ready to talk. CROWD (louder still) Yeah. RUFUS All right. Now we be talkin’. I’m startin’ with questions. Nothing off limits. Give it to me right between the eyes. Go.A big black man, resembling Rufus, stands. MAN ONE Why you be limpin’?Rufus stares at him intently. RUFUS You know why. Same as you.The man sits. MAN TWO When will you officially declare your candidacy for President of the United States? RUFUS Right here. Right now. I’m running. Ain’t no bones. Ain’t no two ways. MAN THREE Will President McAdams support your candidacy? RUFUS Ask him. If he does he does. If he don’t he don’t. Don’t make me no never mind. MAN FOUR Have you discussed your decision with the President? (CONTINUED)
  • 58. CONTINUED: 57. RUFUS Ain’t no need. I make my own decisions. MAN FIVE Have you given any thought to a running mate? RUFUS Bobby Gold, ’cept he’s dead. MAN SIX If you are elected, who will serve in the official capacity of First Lady? RUFUS My mama’s dead. Ain’t nobody else. MAN SEVEN Is there any truth to the rumor that you and the First Lady’s personal assistant, Jelsma Jones, are romantically involved, and may have marriage plans? RUFUS (abashed) Ain’t no truth to that one. MAN EIGHT Could you please explain exactly what you would do, if elected, to solve the problems as stated in The Four Points? RUFUS Thank you. I been waitin’ for that. Point One. To the President of Kenya. I will make you an offer you can’t refuse. What do I mean? I mean I will make you an offer you can’t refuse. Point Two. The Arabs and the Jews. Masters of the spoken word. Abdul Abdullah. Op’ed his mouth and words like water flowed from off his tongue. Spoke poetry easier than butter melting in the noon day sun. We called him Shakespeare in Chains, ’til Rattlesnake Stan took him out, said he didn’t like his high falutin’ ways. And Bobby Gold, the boy with (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 59. CONTINUED: 58. RUFUS (cont’d) the golden smile. I loved that boy. The logic of his mind was sharper than a clock, ’til Rattlesnake Stan cleaned it out, said he didn’t like his tickin’. Despite this facility, neither Jew nor Arab knows the meaning of "negotiate." Sit down with me and you shall learn the true sense of this word. The Chinese. Smartest and toughest as ever been. Slant Eyed Chin Chin. Best fighter I ever seen. Never lost a fight. Blind you in a flash with two fingers to the eyes. Rattlesnake Stan liked him. Together they rolled snake eyes for Bobby Gold, but we knew the dice were loaded.FLASHBACK. EXT. ALABAMA STATE PRISON - DAYIt is a blistering hot day.Over 50 prisoners in the yard, chained together, bust rockswith pickaxes.The ground is dry, dusty and a dirty yellow.BOBBY GOLD(19), a beautiful boy, smiles as he works.Nearby, Rufus maintains a passive expression.RATTLESNAKE STAN, the guard, tall, bone-thin, carrying arifle, wearing aviator shades, walks slowly by and spits onthe ground. RATTLESNAKE STAN (to an unchained trustee) Unlock Bobby.At gunpoint, Stan walks Bobby into a shed across the yard.Without straightening up, Rufus follows with his eyes.The trustee, SLANT EYED CHIN CHIN, also enters the shed.
  • 60. 59.EXT. ALABAMA STATE PRISON - DAYTime lapse of one hour.Rattlesnake Stan emerges from the shed, tucking in his shirtand buckling his belt.Slant Eyed Chin Chin exits the shed, grinning.His dirty yellow hands are red with blood.INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY RUFUS Slant Eyed Chin Chin walked away, when Stan took off his shades. I got a postcard from Beijing. I know you’re out there, Slant Eyed. You and me’s got some reckonin’ to do, for you and Stan be killin’ Bobby Gold. Gamble with me now, and we talkin’ real money, and I ain’t about to lose. No billion dollars here and there, but double T’s in gold. You can haul the dragon out and boogie woogie with your Peking Duck, thinking you got the sweet meat of the deal, but Uncle Rufus and Uncle Sam keep the real tab. MAN NINE What about terrorism? The new kid in the cave. They call him "Down-to-the-Bone." Gives Osama bin Laden the soles of his shoes. RUFUS This is for you, "Down-to-the-Bone." They call me "Hard As Nails." Are you talkin’ to me about terrorism? I shared a bunk with a man who chopped his seven kids to bits, laughin’ all the while, as he gobbled up their parts. Stand and face me, man to man, face to face, one on one, and prove to me that you deserve respect. I got nothin’ more to say. MAN TEN Sir, the Iron Workers Union of America is proud to support you to (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 61. CONTINUED: 60. MAN TEN (cont’d) be the next President of the United States. RUFUS Thank you my brothers. I am honored.Applause starts slowly then builds to a crescendo.INT. AIRPORT - DAYThe Nairobi Airport in Kenya is crowded.the Vice President, still in disguise, and Marvin, approachthe customsJust as the agent waves them through, a German Shepherdbarks loudly and lunges at the green bag which the VicePresident is carrying over his shoulder.Another officer runs over and leads the dog away. Two moreofficers approach. OFFICER ONE Step over to the the table and empty the green bag.They step to the table and Reefer empties the green bag.The officer picks up the wrapped diaper. OFFICER ONE What’s this ? REEFER Nothing. I had to change my son’s diaper on the flight. OFFICER ONE Is this your son? REEFER Yes, but he’s immature for his age. OFFICER ONE How old are you? MARVIN Twenty-one. (CONTINUED)
  • 62. CONTINUED: 61. OFFICER ONE (to Reefer) Unwrap it.Reefer unwraps the diaper and holds it open.All three officers inspect its contents. OFFICER ONE Hashish !! OFFICER TWO Hashish !! OFFICER THREE Hashish !! OFFICER ONE You are both under arrest for smuggling hashish into Kenya. REEFER It’s not hashish. It’s baby shit. I swear. It’s baby shit. MARVIN He’s right. It is baby shit. It’s for your President. OFFICER ONE There are also laws against defaming the good name of our President. REEFER I’m the Vice President of the United States. OFFICER ONE And I’m the King of Scotland. In Kenya, insanity is no defense to drug smuggling. Take them away.Officer Three handcuffs them and leads them away. REEFER (shouting) It’s baby shit. It’s baby shit. It’s for your President. He has a son. (CONTINUED)
  • 63. CONTINUED: 62. OFFICER ONE Americans are getting crazier every day. Our President is right. There’s only one way. OFFICER TWO You mean... OFFICER ONE Of course. The death penalty. It’s the only way.INT. CAR - DAYRufus and the Attache sit in the back seat of the limousine. ATTACHE An excellent speech sir. We should see a rise in the polls. RUFUS Ain’t ’bout no polls - ’bout truth. Truth is hard. Hard as nails. ATTACHE That’s it ! Our campaign slogan. "Truth is hard. Hard as nails."His cell phone rings. ATTACHE Yes. He’s sitting right next to me.The Attache holds the phone to his ear.His face transforms into a shocked expression. ATTACHE(CONT’D) Oh my God. We’ll be there in five minutes. (to Rufus) That was the Secretary of State. President McAdams is dead. A massive heart attack. Never even made it out of bed. You are now the President of the United States. The Chief Justice is waiting in the Oval Office to swear you in. (to driver) Step on it. Code Red. RUFUS Lord have mercy. Okay Mama, wherever you are. You got to help (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 64. CONTINUED: 63. RUFUS (cont’d) me now. Give me your strength. Let’s move.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYThe CHIEF JUSTICE(61) swears in Rufus Reefer Rafer asPresident of the United States. CHIEF JUSTICE Raise your right hand. I Rafer Reefer Rufus...I mean Rufus Rafer Reefer...I mean Rufer Rafer Reefus...I mean... RUFUS Hold on boy. You worse than John Roberts. Listen up now. Rufus Reefer Rafer. CHIEF JUSTICE I Rufus Reefer Rafer do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States... RUFUS I Rufus Reefer Rafer do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States... CHIEF JUSTICE And will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. RUFUS And will to the best of my ability preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. CHIEF JUSTICE So help me God. RUFUS So help me God.They shake hands.
  • 65. 64.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYPresident Rafer is at his desk.Three men and one woman sit facing him. MALLORY SUMMERS As Secretary of State, I must inform you that if the Arabs and Israelis do not reach a peace agreement within six months, there will be nuclear war in the Middle East. WILLIAM WINDFALL As Secretary of Energy, I must inform you that in six months, unless we can sign a contract with the Kenyans for oil at 75 dollars a barrel, unemployment will hit 25 percent and the Great Depression will seem like a summer stroll in the Garden of Eden. LAURENCE WINTERS As Secretary of the Treasury, I must inform you that if, in six months, the Chinese dump our treasury bills on the open market, our economy drowns and we’ll have to sell the Statue of Liberty just to make one day’s interest payments. SAMUEL SPRINGSTEEN As Secretary of Defense, I must inform you that the terrorist Down-to-the-Bone is plotting an attack, in six months or less, that will make 9/11 seem like a Boy Scout campfire.Rufus bangs his fist on the desk. RUFUS Secretary Summers. Secretary Winters. Secretary Windfall. Secretary Springsteen. What they be teachin’ you in that Harvard, Yale, Ivy League? Or should I say Little League. Brains for balls or balls for brains? It’s time a fixer stood up to the plate. I thought we was (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 66. CONTINUED: 65. RUFUS (cont’d) talkin’ ’bout some real problems. Ain’t no more than a four pipe fix. Weed, tobacco, opium or hash, it don’t make no matter, and Hard as Nails gonna smoke it to the nub.The cabinet secretaries look at one another. MALLORY SUMMERS All the leaders will be here day after tomorrow. You can meet with them after the funeral. SAMUEL SPRINGSTEEN Except for Down-to-the-Bone. RUFUS I’ll deal with Down-to-the-Bone when the time comes. Ain’t no terrorist meaner than Rattlesnake Stan. Ain’t nobody tougher than Hard as Nails. Now. Where’s the First Lady? MALLORY SUMMERS You mean the former First Lady. RUFUS (pounding fist) Ain’t no former First Lady. You tell her this is her home and she stays here as long as she wants. MALLORY SUMMERS Yes sir. She’s secluded in her private chambers with her nurse. RUFUS You get out the word that I request an audience with her. And I mean "request." At her convenience. Okay. Everybody out. I got me some thinkin’ to do. Specially ’bout the Chinese, and Bobby.INT. LINCOLN BEDROOM - DAYThe First Lady and JJ, both in black, sit on a goldembroidered divan, huddled together, in tears.There is a soft knock on the door. (CONTINUED)
  • 67. CONTINUED: 66. MADELEINE MCADAMS Come in.Rufus enters, limping heavily, walks to where MadeleineMcAdams is sitting, and falls to his knees at her feet. RUFUS (blubbering) I was sixteen when my Mama died. It broke my heart. It still broke, but this is worse. For you. For me. For the country. I loved that man. I love you both. They call me Hard as Nails, but I ain’t. You have my love. You have my sorrow. I need your help. I can’t make it alone. My Mama said before she died that I gots to be strong. You’re strong. You and Jelsma is strong. Just stay here with me. Don’t leave me alone. My heart is yours.The First Lady and JJ exchange glances. MADELEINE MCADAMS There there Mr. President. Everything is going to be alright. The President loved you. He really did. I know we had our misunderstandings in the past... RUFUS Ain’t no misunderstandings. We ain’t nothin’ without love. That’s what my Mama said. MADELEINE MCADAMS Please Mr. President. Stand up.He stands, wiping his tears with his sleeve.She hands him a tissue. MADELEINE MCADAMS Now blow that big fat nose of yours, silly boy. Mama’s going to dry those tears. RUFUS You be stayin’ now. This is your home, not mine. (CONTINUED)
  • 68. CONTINUED: 67. MADELEINE MCADAMS You are very kind. JJ and I will make our plans after the President’s funeral. RUFUS (sniffling) Ain’t nothin’ more I can say. My tears will do my talkin’ now. MADELEINE MCADAMS What you’ve said. The heartfelt sorrow you’ve expressed. It means so much to me. RUFUS I got to be goin’. Fix a few problems. Ain’t nothin’ next to this. MADELEINE MCADAMS You were limping when you came in. RUFUS Ain’t nothin’. Nothin’ ain’t nothin’. MADELEINE MCADAMS Hard as Nails? RUFUS Yeah, but it ain’t true. Deep down. I just had to be that way...to stay alive.The President walks out. MADELEINE MCADAMS My God. He’s a different person. What happened? JJ I don’t know, but I’ll find out.EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - DAY
  • 69. 68.MONTAGE:The funeral of President Madison McAdams.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYThe President at his desk, the leader of the Arab League,HAROUN AL-RASHID, sits across from him, in a white robe. HAROUN AL-RASHID Israel must withdraw from all occupied territories, return to the 1967 borders, and cease all settlement activity, or there will be war, and we are armed, very well armed. RUFUS I’ll see you in six months, Haroun al-Rashid.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYThe President at his desk, the Prime Minister ofIsrael,BENJAMIN BEN-DAVID, sits across from him. BENJAMIN BEN-DAVID It is the right of the Jewish people to defend their Biblical homeland, and we are armed, very well armed. RUFUS I’ll see you in six months, Benjamin Ben-David.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYThe President at his desk, the President of China, CHU CHOWMEIN, sits across from him. CHU CHOW MEIN You owe us two trillion dollars. Pay up or we dump your T bills, and your economy sinks, and drowns. RUFUS I’ll see you in six months, Chu Chow Mein.
  • 70. 69.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYThe President is in conference with Mojo Kenyatta. KENYATTA The government of Kenya will never waver on the price of its precious oil. RUFUS I’ll see you in six months, Mojo Kenyatta.INT. WHITE HOUSE STAIRCASE - DAYMojo Kenyatta descends the main staircase towards the lobby.Madeleine McAdams ascends the stairway, carrying Baby James,wrapped in a blue blanket.They stop halfway. Their eyes lock. KENYATTA My most sincere condolences. From my heart to yours.He shifts his gaze to Baby James, looking him full in theface. MADELEINE MCADAMS Thank you. Your words touch my heart. KENYATTA A boy? MADELEINE MCADAMS Yes. In America, we wrap our boys in blue. KENYATTA Goodbye. For now.He descends. She ascends.INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHTJJ and Rufus enjoy a romantic dinner by candlelight. JJwears her sexiest little black dress. (CONTINUED)
  • 71. CONTINUED: 70. JJ You sure there are no hard feelings? RUFUS I got no hard feelings ’gainst nobody, ’cept for one or two. JJ Not me and Maddy? RUFUS I love you both. JJ So we can start over? RUFUS Start. Start over. However you want to call it. JJ You’re the President now. What you’ve always wanted. RUFUS Not this way. Not under the shroud of death. I seen too much of death already. I’d give everything I have just to have my Mama back. JJ You’ve never talked about her before. RUFUS Weren’t no need. She ain’t never comin’ back. JJ What was she like? RUFUS Just one word. Love. I loved her. She loved me. The only one who ever did. That’s all. JJ Would you like more wine? RUFUS Maybe just a bit.She refills his glass with red wine. (CONTINUED)
  • 72. CONTINUED: 71. JJ Will they be there all night? RUFUS The Secret Service? They’re good boys. They’ll stay outside. They know what’s up. JJ I can’t believe the change that’s come over you. RUFUS I’m just being myself. That’s all. JJ I like it. I like it a lot.MONTAGE:Newspaper headline: PRESIDENT RAFER LANDSLIDE VICTORYRufus sworn in.INT. WHITE HOUSE. PRIVATE CHAMBERS - DAYSix month time lapse.Madeleine McAdams and JJ play on the floor with Baby James. JJ You did the right thing. MADELEINE MCADAMS I know. I had to give Lennon McCartney back. But it broke my heart, a little. JJ Why? MADELEINE MCADAMS They loved the idea of his name, but they’re going to change it to Jagger Richards. I can’t believe his joke came true. JJ So how are the Banks doing? (CONTINUED)
  • 73. CONTINUED: 72. MADELEINE MCADAMS With a million dollar bailout, just fine. I told them they could keep it. But Viola and her husband have given themselves huge bonuses. JJ Really? What? MADELEINE MCADAMS They bought health insurance for their whole family. JJ No. The nerve. If the Republicans hear about this... MADELEINE MCADAMS Quiet. You know nobody in this country is allowed health insurance without a top secret clearance from Blue Cross or Blue Shield. JJ Speaking of top secret, have I got something for you. Juicier than all the orange juice in Florida. MADELEINE MCADAMS I thought so. It looks to me like you’ve been putting on a little weight lately. It couldn’t be that... JJ That ain’t what I’m talkin’ ’bout. That’s a juicy piece for another time, but you’re right. The President and I have become "friendly" again. MADELEINE MCADAMS So my spies have told me. Just when I thought you were about to take your vows and live a life of purity and prayer. JJ Ain’t no prayer for this girl, ’less you count the times I got down on my knees and set his magic loaf upon my tongue. (CONTINUED)
  • 74. CONTINUED: 73. MADELEINE MCADAMS I just can’t believe how much he’s changed. JJ You don’t know the half of it. I mean half, literally. MADELEINE MCADAMS What are you talking about? Half of what? JJ Back when he was two-timing me with that skinny bitch from France, he had a birthmark on the right side of his butt, shaped like Florida, the little dick at the southeast corner of this country. It’s still there, ’cept for one difference. (pause) Now it’s on the left side. MADELEINE MCADAMS What? Birthmarks can’t migrate ’cross the crack. Are you sure? JJ Are you tellin’ me I don’t know one butt cheek from another? MADELEINE MCADAMS What’s it mean? JJ What you think it mean, girl? Has all that goo goo mush mush gone to your brain? It ain’t the same man. It ain’t no Reefer Rufus Rafer. He got himself an identical twin. I got a friend at the FBI. He gave me access to their computer system, and I figured it all out. Our President’s real name is Rufus Reefer Rafer. An ex-con. Eighteen years on a chain gang, in Alabama. MADELEINE MCADAMS For what? JJ Rape ! (CONTINUED)
  • 75. CONTINUED: 74. MADELEINE MCADAMS Rape? JJ Well it weren’t no real rape. He’d been getting’ it on with some rich white bitch for months, ’til she got caught with her panties down and hollered rape. Her husband was a Superior Court judge, and sentenced him to 20 years of hard labor. He served eighteen, and now he’s President of the United States. MADELEINE MCADAMS Who else knows about this? JJ Just you and me girl, and Reefer Rufus, if he’s still alive. MADELEINE MCADAMS Where do you think he is? JJ Who knows? The last I could determine he was at the airport in Kenya with his son. Six months ago. Not a trace of them since.INT. DUNGEON - DAYReefer Rufus Rafer and Marvin Rafter Rafer sit on a metalcot inside a dark and dank Kenyan dungeon.Reefer is still in disguise.They are tattered and filthy.From the ceiling hangs a noose. MARVIN Are you ever going to take off that ridiculous disguise? REEFER I don’t want anyone to recognize me. (CONTINUED)
  • 76. CONTINUED: 75. MARVIN It’s been six months and we haven’t seen a soul. REEFER Better to err on the side of caution. MARVIN You shoulda thought of that at the airport. And where’s that lawyer they promised us? REEFER Justice is slow in Kenya, but fair. MARVIN Six months in this stink hole without a lawyer is neither fair nor just. REEFER Better here than the gallows, or are you eager to be hung? MARVIN Well hung has its downside. REEFER There’s no upside to being hung, well or otherwise. MARVIN I’m down with that.The cell door opens and a Kenyan lawyer, carrying abriefcase, steps inside. LAWYER Tomorrow you shall be released. MARVIN And why this rush to judgment? LAWYER Kenyan justice, in its infinite wisdom, has determined that there are no grounds for continued incarceration. MARVIN In other words you tested it and it really is shit. (CONTINUED)
  • 77. CONTINUED: 76. LAWYER Precisely. MARVIN It took you long enough. LAWYER We are nothing if not thorough. REEFER Where is it? LAWYER (with distaste) In my briefcase. REEFER Don’t lose it. It’s a national treasure. LAWYER There are laws against slandering the state. REEFER I’m serious. LAWYER So am I. REEFER How well connected are you? LAWYER Explain yourself. REEFER What would it mean to your career if you were the man to prove to your President that he is the father of a son? LAWYER Of course he is the son of a father. REEFER No. I said the father of a son. LAWYER The father of a son? Our President? I would become the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. (CONTINUED)
  • 78. CONTINUED: 77. REEFER Well it’s right there in your briefcase. LAWYER I do not appreciate your scatological sense of humor. REEFER I’m not joking. Listen to me. Do a DNA analysis of it. It will show that it’s from a male child. The DNA will match exactly to that of the President of Kenya, the Honorable Mojo Kenyatta. Then tell him that the man he arm wrestled in the Oval Office does not appreciate his hospitality. He’ll know exactly what you mean. LAWYER If this is your idea of a practical joke, it will be your neck, and your son’s. MARVIN Uh...Dad...let’s just forget the whole thing and get the hell out of this country. REEFER Never. I shall prove my innocence. I am not a crook. MARVIN And you’re not Nixon either.INT. PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE - DAYReefer and Marvin, cleaned and spruced, sit across the deskfrom Mojo Kenyatta. Reefer is still in disguise. KENYATTA Tomorrow I have declared a national holiday. I have a son. Tell me what my ears implore to hear. Who is the mother of this most blessed event? REEFER You know who, you mangy Mau Mau maggot. Madeleine McAdams. On the floor of my office. 15 months ago. (CONTINUED)
  • 79. CONTINUED: 78. MARVIN Dad, I think you’d better cool it. This is not the White House, remember. REEFER I’m not afraid of this witchdoctor Oxford impostor. KENYATTA The Great Spirit has thus removed the curse. My heart cannot contain such joyous news. It is just as I hoped, and she shall be my bride. REEFER With all due respect, Mr. President, you are a lunatic, a monster, a madman, a delusional paranoiac, a bombastic bastard, and, to be polite, a fool, a foolish fucking fool. She’s already married to Madison McAdams, the President of the United States. KENYATTA No expletives can mar the joy I feel, but you are uninformed, due to your lengthy stay as our unwanted guest. Your President is dead for lo these many months. REEFER No. No. No. This can’t be true. Who’s the President? KENYATTA The man I arm wrestled in his office. Rafer Rufus Reefer. REEFER Is anybody ever going to get it right.? KENYATTA You said you had a message from him.Reefer removes his disguise. REEFER That’s me. (CONTINUED)
  • 80. CONTINUED: 79. KENYATTA This is most strange.Using his remote, he switches on the TV. CNN ANNOUNCER Today, President Rafer made his most impassioned speech to date, at the Alabama State Penitentiary, first entering the prison yard, and mingling with the convicts. He showed no fear, as if he’d just come home. Then he issued an ultimatum directly to the Chinese leadership and to the terrorist leader, Down-to-the-Bone.EXT. ALABAMA STATE PRISON - DAYVideo clip of President Rafer’s speech.A makeshift podium on the prison yard, surrounded byconvicts. PRESIDENT RAFER I’ve never taken a step backwards in my life, ’cept when Mama and Bobby died. China! Down-to-the-Bone! Hard as Nails will nail you for them.INT. PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE - DAY KENYATTA That was four hours ago. How did you get here so quickly? REEFER Holy baloney. That’s not me, that’s Rufus, my identical twin brother. It’s a long story, too confusing to explain, but if you had kept your pecker in your pants, none of this would have happened. KENYATTA If I had kept my pecker in my pants, I would not have a son. (CONTINUED)
  • 81. CONTINUED: 80. REEFER So when are you leaving to claim your bride? KENYATTA I leave tomorrow on now a two-fold mission. My wife and son come first, and then I must negotiate the price of our black gold, with the duly elected President himself. REEFER Back to where we started. I’ll come with you and straighten this whole thing out. I am rightfully the President. KENYATTA No. I cannot let you go. There must be no confusion to this trip. REEFER Yes. KENYATTA No. MARVIN Don’t push it, Dad. Remember six months in that dungeon. REEFER Okay. We’ll stay. KENYATTA Good. And let’s forget our tribal rivalry. I sense a friendship that grows stronger with each day. There’s a palace by the sea, with all the luxury a man could need, and there you and your son will safely stay, and ride the pleasure boats ’til I return. MARVIN If riding the pleasure boats means what I think it means, I’m staying. REEFER Just one more thing before you go. My brother is a man who’s very hard - "Hard as Nails" - and that’s no joke, so be prepared to face an (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 82. CONTINUED: 81. REEFER (cont’d) adversary who’s not afraid to look you in the eye, and bend your will by any means he thinks will get for him what he decides to have. And that includes the price of your black gold. KENYATTA I arm wrestled you to a stalemate. REEFER When you go one on one with Hard as Nails, your arm wrestling with me is no stronger than a noodle in a baby’s bowl. KENYATTA I thank you and I am well advised. MARVIN Come on Dad. Let’s go ride those pleasure boats.INT. WHITE HOUSE PRIVATE CHAMBERS - DAYThe Madeleine McAdams bounces BABY JAMES on her knee.JJ tickles him. JJ (to Maddy) Close your eyes. I have a surprise. Don’t open them ’til I say so.She closes her eyes as Mojo Kenyatta enters the room,tiptoeing. He kneels before her. JJ Okay. Open them. MADELEINE MCADAMS Oh dear.JJ leaves the room. KENYATTA I plead my love to your most gentle heart. Your charm lacks nothing that an angel has, and I am but a crude and slippery man, you’d think I sold my rig to buy a crown. If (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 83. CONTINUED: 82. KENYATTA (cont’d) you could love a black-faced clown like me...if I could win your love with oil wells, I’d gladly be a drilling fool for love, if you would only love me in return, without a cap for turning off your flow. I know no way but to directly say, I love you with a heart that pumps for you. I beg of you to be my gushing bride, and I await a yes from your sweet lips. MADELEINE MCADAMS And what have you to say of our strong son?He takes Baby James into his arms. Hugs and kisses him. KENYATTA I spill my pride and leak my dreams for him. Without you both, just throw me in a hole and let me sink into black depths of hell, a dinosaur who’s fossilized in time. MADELEINE MCADAMS Is it possible I could love my country’s economic enemy? KENYATTA Enemies no more. The future shines like gold and ebony, when you and I are bound with this gold ring.He hands Baby James back to her.He takes a ring from his pocket. KENYATTA Our son will be the tyrant...I mean the hydrant...of good times. Until that time I swear that I shall strive to make this Earth a paradise that’s sweet, and light but not the least bit thick and crude. Just swear your love and that you’ll marry me. MADELEINE MCADAMS Yes. I love you and I will marry you. (CONTINUED)
  • 84. CONTINUED: 83. KENYATTA Upon those words I kiss your hand and slip this ring so slick upon your finger fair, to indicate that we are well betrothed.He kisses her hand and slides the ring upon her finger. KENYATTA We’ll live beneath the bluest skies you’ve seen, together as we raise our son to be the man who turns the spigot of our wealth.He stands and takes Baby James into his arms. KENYATTA (to Baby James) I love you more than breath can ever breathe, or eyes can ever see. (to Maddy) I love you more than wish can ever hope, where dreams become a rich reality.Madeleine McAdams stands and Kenyatta returns Baby James toher arms. MADELEINE MCADAMS Our President awaits. KENYATTA On this our engagement day, I’ll seek to find a way to a fair price for our black gold beneath our white crest waves. MADELEINE MCADAMS Offshore drilling also has its price.. KENYATTA And so do I.DISSOLVE TO A BLACK SCREENWords in white lettering: HARD AS NAILS
  • 85. 84.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYMojo Kenyatta is on the verge of great emotion.Rufus sits impassively, dressed in a tuxedo, a red rose onhis lapel, a gray cat on his lap. KENYATTA Kenya has made my fortune. I found oil to sell, in the Kenyan fashion. I went to the Americans. We stayed out late, but we could not agree. I didn’t protest. Then I went to the Chinese. I ate Peking Duck with them. I listened to their stories of the Great Wall. I didn’t complain. Then they tried to take advantage of me. I resisted. I kept my honor. So they beat me, like an animal. My economy was a’broken. My bond rating was a’shattered. I wept. Why did I weep? Kenya is the light of my life. Now it will never be affluent again.He can barely speak, and begins to weep.Standing in the corner, wearing an overcoat and a blackfedora hat low over his forehead, is a huge hulk of a man,whose silent presence exudes menace and death.Kenyatta breaks down. The President gestures to Luca to giveKenyatta a drink. Kenyatta sips from the shot glass. KENYATTA (CONT’D) I went to the United Nations, like a good Kenyan. The Security Council imposed sanctions on the Chinese, then suspended implementation. Suspended implementation! The Chinese went free that very day. I stood in the General Assembly like a fool. And those bastards, they smiled at me. Then I said to my finance minister, "for justice we must go to President Rafer." RUFUS Why did you go to them? Why didn’t you come to me first? (CONTINUED)
  • 86. CONTINUED: 85. KENYATTA What do you want of me? Tell me anything. But do what I beg you to do. RUFUS What is that?Kenyatta gets up to whisper his request into the President’sear. RUFUS That I cannot do. KENYATTA I’ll give you anything you ask. RUFUS This is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time you invited me to Kenya for a cup of coffee. But let’s be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And you were afraid to be in my debt. KENYATTA I didn’t want to get into trouble. RUFUS I understand. You found paradise in Kenya, with your oil. You didn’t need a friend like me. Now you come to me and you say, "President Rafer, give me this price." But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me "Hard as Nails." Instead, you come into my house, after the Chinese humiliated you, and you...uh...ask me for money. KENYATTA I ask you for a just price. RUFUS That is not a just price. The Chinese offered you much less. KENYATTA Then make them suffer, as I suffer. (pause) How much shall I pay you? (CONTINUED)
  • 87. CONTINUED: 86. RUFUS Kenyatta, Kenyatta. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then the Chinese scum that ruined your economy would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man such as yourself should make more enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.He takes a contract out of his top drawer and places it onthe desk in front of Kenyatta. RUFUS Sign this. 75 dollars a barrel, 20 million barrels a day.Kenyatta puffs out his chest. KENYATTA No. Don’t try any rough stuff with me. I ain’t no band leader. I refuse. RUFUS I just made you an offer you can’t refuse. (pause) Luca.LUCA BRINDISI approaches Kenyatta.From his coat pocket he pulls out a pistol and puts itdirectly to Kenyatta’s temple. RUFUS I assure you, Mr. President, that by the time I count to three either your brains or your signature will be on that contract. One. Two.President Kenyatta grabs the pen off the desk and signs thecontract.Luca Brindisi retreats to a corner.President Rafer stands and walks toward President Kenyatta. RUFUS Good.Slowly, Kenyatta bows his head and murmurs. (CONTINUED)
  • 88. CONTINUED: 87. KENYATTA Be my friend.Rufus shrugs. KENYATTA (CONT’D) Hard as Nails.Kenyatta kisses his hand. RUFUS Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day - accept this contract as a gift on China’s darkest day. KENYATTA (exiting) Grazie, Hard as Nails. RUFUS (to Luca) Give this to Springsteen. I want reliable people. People that aren’t gonna be carried away. People born in the U.S.A. I mean, we’re not thieves, despite what this Mau Mau thinks.INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAYSeated in the annex to the Oval Office, The Israeli PrimeMinister, Benjamin Ben-David, and the leader of the ArabLeague, Haroun al-Rashid, glare at each other. ARAB Civilian massacres. ISRAELI Suicide bombers. ARAB A Palestinian state. ISRAELI A Biblical homeland. ARAB Refugee camps. (CONTINUED)
  • 89. CONTINUED: 88. ISRAELI Babylonian captivity. ARAB The Golan Heights. ISRAELI The Six Day War. ARAB The Gaza Strip. ISRAELI The West Bank. ARAB Settlements. ISRAELI Entitlements. ARAB The invasion of Lebanon. ISRAELI The Munich Olympics. ARAB Mossad. ISRAELI Hamas. ARAB Checkpoints. ISRAELI Rocket attacks. ARAB Olive groves. ISRAELI Matza balls. ARAB Islam. ISRAELI Judaism. (CONTINUED)
  • 90. CONTINUED: 89. ARAB The Catastrophe 1949 ISRAELI The Holocaust 1939 to 1945 ARAB Jerusalem. ISRAELI Jerusalem. ARAB Germ warfare. ISRAELI Poison gas. ARAB Nuclear weapons. ISRAELI Nuclear weapons. ARAB The Lakers. ISRAELI The Celtics. ARAB The Yankees. ISRAELI The Red Sox. ARAB The Beatles. ISRAELI The Rolling Stones. ARAB Keith Richards. ISRAELI Mick Jagger. ARAB John Lennon. (CONTINUED)
  • 91. CONTINUED: 90. ISRAELI Paul McCartney.The Attache pokes his head out of the Oval Office door. ATTACHE The President will see you now.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYA massive ball and chain on the desktop.Two tall, thin black men, in convicts garb, each standing ina separate corner.President Rafer at his desk, attired in black and whiteconvicts garb. RUFUS Please. Gentlemen. Have a seat. To my left is Chain Gang Willy, my newly appointed National Security Adviser. To my right, Mr. Ball ’n Chain, Special Envoy to the Middle East. You don’t be talkin’ to them. They don’t be talkin’ to you. Now. Let us negotiate.He stares hard at the Prime Minister of Israel RUFUS I hear you been trash talkin’ me behind my back. ISRAELI I beg your pardon, I...Rufus stares hard at the leader of the Arab League. RUFUS I hear you been disrespectin’ my Mama. ARAB Allah be praised, I have nothing but praise for... RUFUS Both of you. Shut your pie holes. You ain’t talkin’ to me, ’cuz I be talkin’ to you. Good. On the yard, when you be trash talkin’ someone, (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 92. CONTINUED: 91. RUFUS (cont’d) you back it up, with fists, knives, whatever you got. When you be disrespectin’ a brother’s Mama, you best be bowin’ down to Allah first, ’cuz that brother’s gonna slit your throat. But I’m a reasonable man. I realize we all have our weaknesses. Therefore, we shall continue to negotiate. Together with my associates I have pieced together a comprehensive peace plan, detailed down to the gnat’s eyelash and the spider’s fingernail. I have taken into account every square inch of land, the history and culture of both your peoples, and the weather. It’s right here.He tosses a heavy document on the desktop.A loud thud. ISRAELI Of course we will have to read it thoroughly and upon further consultation with my Cabinet ministers... ARAB Allah be praised that you have opened a book of wisdom to read and recite with the utmost... RUFUS (pounding desk) You camel jockey Shylock motherfuckers ain’t be readin’ nothing. Alls you gots to do is sign. This is chain gang negotiation. The biggest dick calls the shots. I am a fair man. Who’s the motherfucker to stand and say that I ain’t fair. Three words. Just stand and say - "You ain’t fair." I repeat. Who’s the motherfucker to stand and say that I ain’t fair.The two leaders remain motionless. (CONTINUED)
  • 93. CONTINUED: 92. RUFUS (CONT’D) Your signatures here.He opens the document to the last page and places a largefountain pen next to it. ISRAELI Unless there is a provision for Jewish access to Isaac Cantor’s delicatessen, across the street and down two blocks from the Western Wall, which serves the best salt pickled corned beef sandwiches in all Jerusalem, there can never be peace... ARAB The Arab League cannot sign an agreement which does not provide for the right of return of my mother’s olive tree to her backyard near the al ’Aqsa mosque which Israeli forces destroyed when they plowed up her garden...Rufus gives a subtle nod to the two men in the corners. RUFUS Boys. Close the negotiations.MR. BALL ’N CHAIN and CHAIN GANG WILLY leap at the twoleaders and wrestle them to the ground.Within seconds they are locked into steel suicide bomberjackets, grenades attached, leaving only the right arm free. RUFUS Good work boys. What’s the time set to? CHAIN GANG WILLY One minute. RUFUS Plenty of time. There’s only one way to de-activate. Special pen. Special ink. Special paper. Special program. Fine tuned to your signatures. Last stop on the road to peace. Let’s go boys. Oh one more thing, in case you missed the point. This is all very symbolic.They exit. (CONTINUED)
  • 94. CONTINUED: 93.Arab and Israel stare at each other. ARAB My brother ! ISRAELI My friend !They sign.A loud clicking sound, de-activating the jackets.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYPresident Rafer is behind his desk, dressed in a Mao TseTung jacket, of yellowish brown color, and wearing round,wire-rimmed spectacles. ATTACHE There’s been a palace coup in China. The Yellow Guard has come to power. RUFUS I know. I read about it in Bon Appetit. ATTACHE What happened to Chu Chow Mein? RUFUS Chinese politics ate him alive. ATTACHE Their two top guys are just outside the door. RUFUS Show them in. ATTACHE A word of warning, Sir. This is the most important meeting for the American economy in at least a hundred years. There’s no end to the mischief two billion people can cause, and these two guys look tough. RUFUS I know who I’m dealing with. (CONTINUED)
  • 95. CONTINUED: 94.Rattlesnake Stan and Slant Eyed Chin Chin stroll in, takingtheir time, looking around as if they owned the joint.Slant Eyed Chin Chin is dressed identically to Rufus.Rattlesnake Stan is in his prison guard uniform. RUFUS Slant Eyed Chin Chin and Rattlesnake Stan. It’s been a long time coming. It’ll be a long time gone. SLANT EYED You owe me two trillion dollars. I got the T-bills in my pocket. Pay up or we dump them on the open market, and your economy drowns. The dollar won’t be worth a dime. RUFUS You’re the expert on dropping dimes. Ain’t nothin’ lower than a jailhouse snitch. Lower than the belly of a cockroach. Ain’t that right, Stan? RATTLESNAKE STAN Slant Eyed did what he had to do. He got by. RUFUS The both of you got by, by bustin’ Bobby Gold. RATTLESNAKE STAN Bobby brought it on himself, with that 19 year old pretty boy smile, singin’ and workin’, like he was happy bustin’ rock. Bobby Gold. The boy with the golden smile. SLANT EYED Nails ain’t nothin’ next to gold. Do I make myself clear? RUFUS At fifty cents on the dollar. Fort Knox delivery. SLANT EYED What do you think, Stan? (CONTINUED)
  • 96. CONTINUED: 95. RATTLESNAKE STAN How much gold you got in the Fort? RUFUS Like I said. A trillion. Enough to cover half, and then we square. RATTLESNAKE STAN Delivery tonight? RUFUS Yup. RATTLESNAKE STAN Loaded on our boats tonight? RUFUS You got it. RATTLESNAKE STAN Sounds like a deal to me, Slant Eyed. We could go into the jewelry business. SLANT EYED A trillion ain’t enough to cover India. Besides, we lose face. The word gets out we took 50 cents on the dollar, even in gold, we lose face. RUFUS You always drove a hard bargain, Slant Eyed. I’ll open a Facebook account for both of you. (pause) And put in a friends request. RATTLESNAKE STAN Slant Eyed? SLANT EYED I know you’re hot for the deal, Rattlesnake, but it’s not enough. Too much loss of face. Me so sorry. RUFUS Me so sorry too. That it had to come to this. See this little red box on my desk, that I got my hand on. With the button on top. I press this button and Beijing blows sky high. Disappears in a mushroom cloud. Hiroshima is a fire cracker (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 97. CONTINUED: 96. RUFUS (cont’d) next to this. Got me an A-bomb planted ’neath a statue of Mao Tse Tung, right smack dab in the middle of Tiannamen Square. RATTLESNAKE STAN Well if you ain’t the most low down, despicable critter... SLANT EYED How did ya do it, Nails? RUFUS Easy. Smuggled it in with our ping pong team. SLANT EYED So much for Richard Nixon and ping pong diplomacy. RATTLESNAKE STAN Okay. We’ll do the deal. SLANT EYED Hold on a minute, Rattlesnake. Beijing blows and we lose ten million people. We got two billion, so we’re playing with house money. This is penny ante shit in a high stakes poker game. RUFUS Damn you’re tough, Slant Eyed. But you’re forgetting one thing. Remember last year. You and Stan did that roundup. Found the fifty prettiest boys in all of China. Out of two billion, they probably ain’t too bad. Just where do you think they are? RATTLESNAKE STAN He’s right, Slant Eyed. SLANT EYED Dammit. I know he’s right. Hard as Nails, you’re a tough motherfucker. We’ve got a deal. Fifty cents on the dollar. Payable in gold. Tonight. Here are your T-bills.He takes a packet of U.S. Treasury bills and throws them onthe desk. (CONTINUED)
  • 98. CONTINUED: 97.Rufus picks up the telephone, stands and turns his back. RUFUS Get me the Secretary of Transportation. Mac, round me up 50 semis. We’re headin’ to Kentucky, and I’m driving the lead rig. We got ourselves a convoy.He turns back and Slant Eyed Chin Chin and Rattlesnake Stanare gone.The Attache steps in. ATTACHE Sir, you can’t give away all our gold in Fort Knox. RUFUS Gold for Bobby Gold. But they’ll learn. You don’t kill my best friend and live to talk about it. I got me a plan. ATTACHE Well it better be a good one because the United States of America is now officially bankrupt. RUFUS Set me up a TV address to the nation. Tomorrow night. All stations coverage. Move !EXT. INTERSTATE FREEWAY - NIGHTFifty semis rolling down the freeway.Rufus is driving the lead rig.EXT. FORT KNOX - NIGHTGold being loaded onto the trucks. Rufus supervises.EXT. SHIPPING PORT - NIGHTRattlesnake Stan and Slant Eyed Chin Chin stand on the dock,watching the gold being loaded onto ships.Rufus walks up to them. (CONTINUED)
  • 99. CONTINUED: 98. RUFUS Looks like we’re square, Slant Eyed. SLANT EYED Gold for gold, Nails. Gold for gold. RUFUS You’ll see me in your dreams, Slant Eyed.He turns and walks away. SLANT EYED What did he mean by that? RATTLESNAKE STAN Nothin’. Ain’t nothin’ he can do. He ain’t that smart. SLANT EYED I’m not so sure.INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHTPresident Rafer addresses the nation on TV. RUFUS My fellow Americans. Citizens of the world. Tonight we’re talkin’ terrorism. That’s right. Down-to-the-Bone. I am looking for you. I said, "I am looking for you." No Apache helicopters. No chickenshit drones. Not a pistol or a knife. One on one. Face to face. Man to man. You and me.INT. TERRORIST CAVE - NIGHTAn immense cave is lit by a massive bonfire at its center.Several bearded, turbaned terrorists sit on ledges carvedinto the rock.A television set is propped into a niche in the wall. TELEVISION One on one. Face to face. Man to man. You and me. (CONTINUED)
  • 100. CONTINUED: 99.One of the terrorists, DOWN-TO-THE-BONE, bolts upright. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE At last. A man.INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT RUFUS If we deal, we deal. If you got a hard ass, it shall go hard. I’ll kick your balls into your brains until you groan for peace. They say you’re the dog that snarls at death. Well I’m the nail that pounds to the bone. Tonight I leave for the Hindu Kush. Terrorist territory. Be there if you got a beard.EXT. AFGHANISTAN - DAYPresident Rafer stands amongst a group of militarycommanders in a rugged mountainous area.Apache helicopters and two pack horses are in thebackground. GENERAL (pointing) Just over that ridge is where Down-to-the-Bone is hiding out. No American’s ever come back alive from there. RUFUS How much bombing you do? GENERAL More bombs than bubbles in a bottle of champagne. RUFUS That’s a stupid metaphor. GENERAL I agree sir. It didn’t do any good. They’re dug too deep into their caves. (CONTINUED)
  • 101. CONTINUED: 100. RUFUS And a land based frontal assault? GENERAL Tried it. Our boys were chopped to bits. RUFUS Will you motherfuckers ever learn that our boys ain’t plastic pieces on a map? GENERAL That’s how we were taught at West Point. RUFUS Well then you lead the charge. Meantime, how long on horseback? GENERAL A good day’s riding. We might be able to scout it in the Apache, if you’re willing to take the risk. RUFUS Who here speaks the local dialect? ATTACHE I do. My father was born in Pakistan and my mother was born in Afghanistan. RUFUS ’Bout time you more than just a sounding board. Let’s go. And keep that bow-tie on.Rufus and the Attache run and each jumps onto a horse andgallops away. GENERAL (shouting) Sir. Sir. You can’t do it. It’s certain death. Come back. RUFUS Any motherfucker sends an Apache after me gets busted back to Private.
  • 102. 101.INT. TERRORIST CAVE - NIGHTShadows and light from the bonfire.Terrorists smoking hashish.The President and the Attache enter the cave.A young terrorist looks up and drops his pipe. TERRORIST ONE What’s in this shit? TERRORIST TWO I bought it from my brother in law. He said it was good. TERRORIST ONE Good is one thing, but this is ridiculous.They start to laugh. RUFUS Who’s the long dong in this cave? ATTACHE Excuse me, Sir, don’t you mean "big dog" or "long beard." RUFUS I said "Who’s the long dong in this cave?". Let the motherfucker stand.Down-to-the-Bone stands up, scowling, defiant, bold.Rufus approaches and they stand face to face. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE Down-to-the-Bone. RUFUS Hard as Nails. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE I’m the dog that snarls at death. RUFUS I’m the nail that pounds to the bone. (CONTINUED)
  • 103. CONTINUED: 102. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE Your mother wears combat boots. RUFUS Your Mama drinks her bathwater. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE May the vultures of hell build a nest in your nose. RUFUS May the ring of fire encircle your dick. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE You’re proof that Mau Maus fucked gorillas. RUFUS You’re living proof that Jews fucked their camels. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE Eight years in Guantanamo, water boarded twice a day. RUFUS Eighteen on a chain gang, bustin’ rock sixteen a day. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE You are welcome in my home. RUFUS I accept your gracious hospitality. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE Please be seated, and join us on the pipe. RUFUS Thank you. You are very kind.They sit side by side, smoking.The Attache sits between Terrorist One and Terrorist Two.They smoke and roll dice, laughing.The Attache frequently takes out his wallet and hands themmoney.
  • 104. 103.MONTAGE:A heated, fist pounding, angry, contemplative, conciliatory,argumentative, reasonable, irrational, quiet, loud,"interchange of views" between Rufus and Down-to-the-Bone.INT. TERRORIST CAVE - NIGHT DOWN-TO-THE-BONE My first day at Gitmo. The Beast in Camouflage sets the black dog on the naked Mullah’s body. RUFUS Rattlesnake Stan shot Abdul Abdullah right between the eyes, and Slant Eyed Chin Chin couldn’t stop laughin’, but that ain’t nothin’ to what they did to Bobby Gold. TERRORIST ONE Is that a country - Rattlesnake-i-stan? DOWN-TO-THE-BONE Quiet. You fool. Allah be praised that you survived. RUFUS Blessed be the day of your auspicious birth. DOWN-TO-THE-BONE We have a deal. Man to man. RUFUS We have a deal. Man to man.They shake hands.EXT. AFGHAN COUNTRYSIDE - DAYRufus and the Attache, on horseback, slowly make their wayback to the American camp. ATTACHE When I talk to the Bone’s people, should I insist that all drug middlemen be Muslims? (CONTINUED)
  • 105. CONTINUED: 104. RUFUS Mention it - don’t insist. Slant Eyed is a man who’ll know that without being told. ATTACHE You mean Down-to-the-Bone. RUFUS Down-to-the-Bone is down. He would’ve made it on the yard, and survived the chain, but he never could’ve outfought Rattlesnake Stan and Slant Eyed Chin Chin. But I didn’t know until this very day that it was China all along. ATTACHE What do you mean, boss? RUFUS Covert support to terrorists. Currency manipulation. Price fixing on oil. Fuel on the fire to Arabs and Jews. Hoarding of gold. Depletion of natural resources. Over population. And Chinese restaurants in our mini malls. Like I said, I didn’t know until this very day that it was China all along. ATTACHE And their dumplings are so greasy too. What are we going to do about it, boss? RUFUS You’re going to brief our people when we get back to base. ATTACHE Me? Why me? RUFUS Attache, ’cuz you’re the man. Now here’s the deal I worked out with the Bone.
  • 106. 105.INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAYPresident Rafer sits at the head of a long conference table.Three civilian diplomats sit along one side of the table.Three uniformed military officers sit along the other side.The Attache enters from the side, carrying a pointer, andstands in front of a map of Afghanistan.No bow tie. ATTACHE Listen up. Any motherfucker leaks a word of this meeting is a dead motherfucker. Ain’t nothin’ lower than a snitch. I’d rather fuck a cockroach than look at a snitch. Here’s the deal we cut with the long beards in the cave. The toughest problem first. The girls go to school. We had to bust the pipe on this one. Coulda broke the deal, all down the line. These motherfuckers do NOT take kindly to the pussy gender, but my bro found a way. They can only study three subjects. WOMAN DIPLOMAT What? Cooking, cleaning, and having babies. ATTACHE You’re even dumber than you look. No. Astronomy, astrophysics, and rocket science. RUFUS It’s in the Koran, if you "experts" would take the time to read what you profess to hate. "And flights of virgins shall guide us to the stars of paradise." Go on, my man. ATTACHE We got 200,000 troops in this dirt ball of a country. We’re gonna cut it down to 20,000 by next week. (CONTINUED)
  • 107. CONTINUED: 106. GENERAL BIGSHOT You can’t do that. It will become a haven for terrorists, plotting against the United States. It’s national security. ATTACHE Would you take your finger out of your ass when you’re talking to me. GENERAL BIGSHOT Sorry. It’s an old habit from the military school my parents sent me to when I was fourteen. RUFUS When we get back, you walk your white ass through the Compton projects with a target on your back and catch a feel of what our boys are facing here. Ain’t about national security, ’bout personal security, and when was the last time you spent two seconds in the trauma ward at Walter Reed, or don’t you like the look of boys with faces blown to hell. Ain’t no smiling amputee just below the knee in that fuckin’ trauma ward, ’cuz them boys ain’t got mouths to smile with. (to Attache) Proceed. ATTACHE The bare-assed facts are that we get our gold back from Slant Eyed and the Rattlesnake, send their souls to hell where they belong, safeguard our remaining troops, rebuild the Afghan infrastructure and neutralize terrorism at the same time, boost our own economy to double digit growth, and break the balls of China and end their wet dream of world domination. GENERAL BIGSHOT And just how do you intend to accomplish these most noteworthy goals, if I may be so bold to ask? RUFUS Let me take over from here, ’Atch. You doin’ good. I’m gonna say this (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 108. CONTINUED: 107. RUFUS (cont’d) once. I’ll say it twice that I”ll say it once. (pause) Opium ! GENERAL BIGSHOT What? RUFUS Get your motherfucking ass out of this room. I said I’d say it once. Your next duty station is Leavenworth, cleaning toilets.General Bigshot departs in humiliation, scratching his assas he exits. RUFUS No more interruption, ’less you like the smell of shit. Afghanistan becomes one big poppy field. It’s halfway there already, despite our eradication efforts, which cost about a billion bucks a week. I say "Let a thousand flowers bloom and save the cost of FTD." The terrorists love two things - Allah and money, and I ain’t sure about the order. And they’re bored, plain and simple - bored. So "Down-to-the-Bone" becomes Minister of Agricultural Production. The product will be smuggled into China, and China only, via the Hindu Kush corridor, protected by our few remaining troops. It’s now the "Golden Corridor," because, and behold my masterpiece, China pays in gold - our gold. Their Finance Minister is a deep undercover agent for the terrorists, so that’s a lock. Then the Bone contracts with American companies to rebuild this dirt bag of a country - payable in gold. Eventually Fort Knox refills, and America is back to work, both here and home. Any questions so far? WOMAN DIPLOMAT What happens to China? (CONTINUED)
  • 109. CONTINUED: 108. RUFUS A good question, with balls attached. We figure half of China gets hooked on the pipe. It’s part of their history. They have an inherent weakness for it. Like Indians and firewater. Read up on the Opium War if you want to know, but I digress. Their active population remains a billion strong, still three times that of the U.S., and the other half is happier than a pig in slop. I know. I hit the pipe once or twice myself, but I ain’t no Chinaman. Their economy slows, but so does population growth, ’cuz the smokin’ half rather be smokin’ than fuckin’, and that’s good for the world at large. What right do these motherfuckers have to breed the Earth like rabbits? At two billion, they’re desperate, and desperation breeds aggression, and aggression breeds reprisal, and then the world tailspins into war - dollars for bullets or bombs for diplomacy - check out Hitler if you want the proof. There’ll be some political upheaval at first, but that ain’t bad, ’cuz I got Bobby Gold to answer for. To summarize in the language of the Ivy League, we achieve a more stable and prosperous society, both at home and abroad. GENTLEMAN DIPLOMAT But sir, that’s immoral, pushing opium to China. RUFUS (exploding) Ain’t no moral bullshit in this world. Are you talkin’ to me about The Four Points? I said are you talkin’ to me about The Four Points? I’ll tell you what The Four Points really are. War and peace. Poverty and wealth. Life and death. Crime and punishment. Peace is better than war. Wealth is better than poverty. Life is better than (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 110. CONTINUED: 109. RUFUS (cont’d) death. And punishment is better than crime, if it fits. Let the motherfucker stand to say I’m wrong. Just three words - "You are wrong." Let the motherfucker stand to say I’m wrong.There is dead silence in the room. Nobody moves. RUFUS Good. We goin’ home.INT. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES - NIGHTTime lapse of six months.President Rafer delivers his State of the Union address. RUFUS The Holy Land rests in peace, but that don’t mean its dead. Yesterday, Isaac Cantor’s deli sold three hundred salt-pickled corned beef sandwiches, and Haroun al-Rashid’s Mama got six olive trees planted in her backyard. Here at home we got prices halved at the pump, and double digit growth at the wheel. Terrorism? One suicide bombing in the last six months. A man on the telephone. Left a note saying he couldn’t stay on hold no longer. And finally - China. The dragon sleeps, and sanity is restored. I am pleased to announce there has been a orderly transition of power in the Middle Kingdom.EXT. CHINA - DAYAn enraged mob lynches Rattlesnake Stan and Slant Eyed ChinChin right in the middle of Tiannamen Square.INT. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES - NIGHT RUFUS As for your President, alls I got to say is it’s been a long time comin’ and it’ll be a long time (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 111. CONTINUED: 110. RUFUS (cont’d) gone. I done the best I could, Bobby. I done the best I could. I’ll be back in a week. Goin’ to Kenya.SOFT MUSIC to the tune of "Wayfaring Stranger."The President begins to sing. RUFUS I am a poor wayfaring stranger Traveling through this world alone There is no sickness, toil nor danger In that fair land to which I go I’m going home to see my brother I’m going home no more to roam I am just going over Jordan I am just going over homeThe entire assembly joins in. ASSEMBLY I know dark clouds will hover on me, I know my pathway is rough and steep But golden fields lie out before me Where weary eyes no more will weep I’m going home to see my brother I’m going home no more to roam I am just going over Jordan I am just going over homeEXT. MOMBASA BEACH - DAYReefer Rufus Rafer and Marvin relax in lounge chairs on theveranda, enjoying the ocean view.Three young, tall, thin and beautiful Kenyan women servecoffee, fruit juice and many breakfast delicacies on silvertrays.Everyone is smiling. REEFER One for you and two for me. MARVIN What’s not that’s sweet and happy here? (CONTINUED)
  • 112. CONTINUED: 111. REEFER So you choose to linger idly by in paradise than face the rigors of the Cambridge winters and the challenge of academia? MARVIN I take issue with your "linger idly by," preferring to re-state the debate in terms of horns well-trimmed and amply satisfied, as opposed to humanistic hogwash in a lecture hall, the latter being Harvard, the former found in plenitude on the sands of Mombasa Beach. Furthermore, I perceive an inclination on your most vital part to extend your courtesy to your most gracious hostesses, without regard for time or urgency. REEFER Therein, my son, resides the difference in our attitudes. I view such dalliance as but a waiting game, pleasant though it may be, for still I long to satisfy my lust for political intrigue, or to form the phrase in base simplistic terms, without a strain upon your mind’s less nimble acumen, the blood of politics still runs like rapid waters through my veins. MARVIN Be careful with your metaphors. Ambition should be made of sweat and tears, as well as blood. I sense there’s no dissuasion from this course. I wish you well and pray your safe return. For me I choose to stay.INT. PRESIDENTIAL PALACE - DAYMadeleine McAdams sits at her vanity table, dressed in alavender wedding gown.JJ is by her side, experimenting with various combinationsof jewelry.JJ is pregnant, nearly full term. (CONTINUED)
  • 113. CONTINUED: 112. MADELEINE MCADAMS Okay. Mojo set the trap. Rufus thinks you’re going to say yes. JJ I am going to say yes, fool. Look at me. MADELEINE MCADAMS You’ve got to make him sweat for your hand. Do you want him thinking you’re a slam dunk? JJ Girl, I can’t tell you how many times he’s slam dunked me. MADELEINE MCADAMS That’s not the kind of slam dunking I’m talking about. It’s about your worth as a woman. Be coy. JJ Coy at eight and a half? How coy were you on the floor that night? MADELEINE MCADAMS This is not about sex. It’s about marriage. There’s a big difference. JJ What’s the difference? MADELEINE MCADAMS Marriage is hard. JJ So is sex if he’s doing it right. MADELEINE MCADAMS You’ll be married long after you stop doing it. JJ Now how the hell would you know? You’re damn near 40 and you ain’t stopped doing it yet. MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about general principles. (CONTINUED)
  • 114. CONTINUED: 113. JJ Who is General Principles? I don’t believe I’ve ever met the man. MADELEINE MCADAMS Very funny. When he asks you, start itching and scratching all over, like you’re breaking out in hives. He’ll think you’re allergic to the idea of marriage. JJ Okay. I got it. Why didn’t you say so? Cat scratch fever. MADELEINE MCADAMS Exactly. Cat scratch fever. He’ll be here any minute. I’ll see you at the altar.She walks out.JJ sits and waits.A timid knock on the door. JJ Come in.Rufus enters, limping. JJ (CONT’D) Oh Mr. President. What a surprise. Here. Sit down.She pats the divan and Rufus sits down next to her. RUFUS You’re lookin’ very pretty today. JJ Thank you.They sit self-consciously in silence for several seconds. RUFUS My tongue gets tied when I try to speak. My insides shake like a leaf on a tree. JJ Oh no, Mr. President. You’re very eloquent. You really nailed it when (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 115. CONTINUED: 114. JJ (cont’d) you told the Iron Workers to steel themselves against the Chinese threat. That cemented your reputation as a man who’s hard and firm, and reinforced their confidence in you. Any woman would love to forge that kind of bond with you. It would melt the ribbons of her heart. RUFUS Your words provide the strength to gird my loins. JJ Ain’t your loins that need girding, Mr. President. I got two ingots on fire in the furnace. RUFUS My Mama told me... JJ Hush your mouth. No woman wants to hear no Mama talk at a time like this.Rufus gets down on one knee. RUFUS JJ, will you marry me?JJ starts to scratch herself all over. JJ Have you done flipped your flapjack? I think I got me a case of the cat scratch fever. RUFUS Baby, if I made you mad for something I might have said, please, let’s forget the past, the future looks bright ahead. JJ I’m itching like a man on a fuzzy tree. RUFUS Don’t be cruel, to a heart’s that true. There’s only one cure for (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 116. CONTINUED: 115. RUFUS (cont’d) this body of mine, is to have that girl that I love so fine. JJ Please don’t ask me what’s on my mind. I’m a little mixed up, but I’m feelin’ fine. RUFUS I don’t want no other love. Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of. JJ Don’t stop thinking of me, don’t make me feel this way. RUFUS Let’s walk up to the preacher and let us say "I do." Then you’ll know you’ll have me, and I’ll know that I’ll have you JJ Will you love me tender? RUFUS I will love you tender and I will love you true. JJ Was it you who caused all this? RUFUS Caused what? JJ Love. It’s breaking out all over. RUFUS I ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog. JJ Just a squawkin’ all the time. Come on over here and love me.They kiss. RUFUS You know what I want you to say. (CONTINUED)
  • 117. CONTINUED: 116. JJ Oh you big dumb fool. Of course I’ll marry you. Today. We got it all worked out. Welcome to the marriage game. You’ll never be the same. Now let’s go. They’re waiting at the altar. RUFUS Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.EXT. PRESIDENTIAL ESTATE - DAYThere are over five hundred guests in the main garden.Kenyatta, Madeleine McAdams, Rufus and JJ exchange vows in adouble ring ceremony. MINISTER Do you, Rafer Reefer Rufus, I mean Rafer Rufus Reefer, I mean Rufus Rafer Reefer, I mean Reefer Rafer Rufus, I mean... RUFUS Is this ever going to end? Rufus Reefer Rafer. MINISTER Do you, Rufus Reefer Rafer, take Jelsma Jones...Music, laughter, dancing, drinking.The music stops and President Mojo Kenyatta speaks into themicrophone. KENYATTA My wife, my son, my friends, my happiness, my love, my joy - I am truly blessed. The Great Spirit speaks, and I submit. The sun rises and it sets, day by day, night by night, and day by day again, to the very end of time. I have been your President for these past fifteen years, in darkness and in light. Now our country needs another torch, for one man cannot show the way alone. I resign the Presidency, effective in five minutes. Our constitution allows me to appoint (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  • 118. CONTINUED: 117. KENYATTA (cont’d) my successor. Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of Kenya, the honorable Reefer Rufus Rafer.Silence.Reefer Rufus Rafer steps out from behind a pavilion andapproaches the microphone.He and Kenyatta share a warm embrace.Marvin appears behind his father. REEFER Happiness and joy. Greetings, happiness, and joy. Tomorrow we get to work. Today we share our love. My love to everyone. My special love to my one and only hero, from the day I stole his piggy bank, and he didn’t rat me out. My brother, my friend, my blood, the President of the United States, and most of all, the egg that’s always been the better yoke.Rufus laughs. REEFER (CONT’D) Everybody. Maddy, JJ, Rufus, Baby James.Kenyatta, Reefer, Rufus, Marvin, Maddy, JJ, Baby James - allwave to the guests.Music - "Just One Look."Suddenly JJ goes into labor.Several security guards rush on stage and whisk her away.INT. MATERNITY WARD - DAYMaddy, Baby James, Rufus, Reefer, Marvin, and Kenyatta forma semi-circle around JJ, who is propped up in bed, lookingtired but happy.A Nurse enters, carrying two newborn babies, each wrapped ina white blanket, and hands them both to JJ, who looks atthem, then...She fixes her gaze upon Kenyatta. (CONTINUED)
  • 119. CONTINUED: 118. JJ Identical twins. Rachel Rhonda Rafer. Rhonda Rachel Rafer. Girls. KENYATTA The Great Spirit blesses you.Music. THE END

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