A son of kenya


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A son of kenya

  1. 1. A Son of Kenya By Alex Burke Original Story by Alex Burke@Copyright Nov. 2010 BurkeAlex@Yahoo.comCase # 1-522555891 (858)625-0241 home (858)337-1695 cell
  2. 2. INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTThe First Lady of the United States, MADELEINE MCADAMS(37),an auburn haired beauty, sits are her boudoir in her privatebedroom.Standing by her side, experimenting with combinations ofnecklaces and bracelets, is JELSMA JONES(35), aka "JJ," herpersonal assistant, an African-American woman.The First Lady sneezes loudly and blows her nose. MADELEINE MCADAMS I hope I don’t sneeze in the President’s face. JJ Wives sneeze on their husbands all the time. MADELEINE MCADAMS I mean the President of Kenya. JJ What’s the Swahili word for "gesundheit?" MADELEINE MCADAMS Good question. Google it for me, will you JJ? Just in case. JJ First I’m going to give you some anti-histamines. MADELEINE MCADAMS Don’t mention that word to me. "Auntie." My sister just had a baby. Now I’m Auntie Maddy. JJ You’re next. MADELEINE MCADAMS I wish. We’ve been trying for 17 years. Madison wouldn’t know a rubber if it bit him on the dick. He may be high in the polls but he’s low in the sperm count. JJ Have him tested. (CONTINUED)
  3. 3. CONTINUED: 2. MADELEINE MCADAMS Oh sure. Can you imagine if it leaked out. The Tonight Show. "Government Accounting Office holds President responsible for labor shortage." "President fails to address the deficit." "Presidential poll - down for the count." It would never end. JJ Well keep trying. MADELEINE MCADAMS We do. Almost every night. He’s hornier than Bill Clinton with a cigar.JJ gives her two tablets. JJ Here. Take these. But be careful. MADELEINE MCADAMS Careful of what? JJ There’ll be champagne tonight, right? MADELEINE MCADAMS Of course. All the hypocrites will be toasting each other’s health, while wishing them dead at the same time. JJ With this stuff in your system, one glass has the knockout power of a whole bottle. So don’t take more than just one sip. MADELEINE MCADAMS (singing to the tune of "Just One Look.") Just one sip. That’s all it took. Just one sip. JJ, I hate these affairs. Let’s cancel. Say I’m "indisposed." JJ We can’t cancel, girl. You’ve got to butter up the President of Kenya. He’s swimming in oil, and we (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  4. 4. CONTINUED: 3. JJ (cont’d) want it now, and we want it cheap. Remember Jackie Kennedy and the President of France. MADELEINE MCADAMS If I hear her name one more time I’m going to resign. French my ass. The only French she spoke was with her tongue. JJ Girl, you can’t resign. MADELEINE MCADAMS And why not? If Richard Nixon could resign as President, I can certainly resign as First Lady. JJ The Constitution makes no provision for the resignation of the First Lady. MADELEINE MCADAMS So you’re saying it would be unconstitutional. JJ That’s right. The Supreme Court would rule against you. MADELEINE MCADAMS The Supreme Court ! What do those old farts know? They go around with their noses in the air like they’re sniffing God’s butt. I’ll have Madison veto their decision. JJ Girl, the President cannot veto a Supreme Court decision. Only bills that Congress passes. You’re stuck. MADELEINE MCADAMS Okay. Okay. I’ll go. This so-called President of Kenya, who I’m sure hacked his way to power with the sharpest machete in the box, how am I supposed to butter him up? (CONTINUED)
  5. 5. CONTINUED: 4. JJ Use your imagination. MADELEINE MCADAMS I don’t have to imagine what kind of buttering up he wants. If he so much as lays a hand on me, I’ll have the Secret Service throw him out of his own party. JJ I’ve heard he’s not that bad. Oxford and Cambridge educated. Devilishly handsome. Black as midnight. A buff physique. Charming smile, and a great sense of humor. MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m sure he finds torturing his political opponents very amusing. JJ Well you have to go. If we don’t get our hands on their oil, gas prices skyrocket and the President’s popularity plummets. MADELEINE MCADAMS Who cares? We’re outta here in a year. JJ And your husband goes down in history as the man who couldn’t man the pump. MADELEINE MCADAMS Okay. I’ll drink a toast to him, but no butter on it. (pause) By the way, how many wives does he have? JJ One official one. You’ll meet her tonight. And five more back in Kenya. MADELEINE MCADAMS Six wives total? Should I laugh or feel sorry for him? Any children? JJ Thirteen. Would you believe it. All girls. (CONTINUED)
  6. 6. CONTINUED: 5. MADELEINE MCADAMS Well, that’s a blow to his African manhood, is it not? JJ To say the least. He’s already had three witch doctors executed, and he’s threatening to chop off the head of wife number six if she doesn’t deliver the goods in a week. MADELEINE MCADAMS Shades of Henry the Eighth. Just do amnio on the poor thing and take her out of her misery. JJ She refuses. She’s a Mau Mau. Says she’ll kill herself if anybody in a white smock even looks at her. She’s convinced her witch doctor can pull it off. I can’t blame her. She’s only thirteen. MADELEINE MCADAMS An unlucky number. JJ I’m afraid her days are numbered. She’s due any day. MADELEINE MCADAMS What’s his name again? JJ Mojo Kenyatta. MADELEINE MCADAMS Well it might be interesting. Better than the President of China. Boring. JJ Remember about the champagne. Just one sip. MADELEINE MCADAMS Right. Just one sip.She stands and JJ helps her into her evening gown while thesong "Just One Look" plays in the background.
  7. 7. 6.INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHTThe President of the United States, MADISON MCADAMS(51),andthe Vice-President of the United States, REEFER RUFUSRAFER(51), sit facing each other on opposing sofas, eachdressed in a tuxedo.The Vice President is a big-boned, heavy featured,formidably built black man. PRESIDENT After the bash take Kenyatta to your office and squeeze the oil out of him. I want 75 bucks a barrel and 20 million barrels a day. Firm. Non-negotiable. VICE-PRESIDENT He’ll never go for it. PRESIDENT Play the tribal loyalty card. Your grandfather’s from Kenya. VICE-PRESIDENT No such luck. My grandfather was a Kikuyu, and Kenyatta is a Mau Mau. They kill on sight. PRESIDENT What started it? VICE-PRESIDENT During the Middle Ages, a fundamental disagreement on Church doctrine regarding the transubstantiation of the Holy Eucharist into the body and blood of Christ. PRESIDENT No wiggle room on that one. Kill or be killed. Seriously, it’s your problem. In a year I’m out of here, on my ranch in Montana, but you, my friend, need low gas and even lower unemployment to get elected dogcatcher, let alone President. VICE-PRESIDENT He knows the politics. I’m over a barrel. (CONTINUED)
  8. 8. CONTINUED: 7. PRESIDENT Make him an offer he can’t refuse. VICE-PRESIDENT That went out of style 40 years ago. I’m not the Godfather. PRESIDENT Some things never go out of style. Make sure your surveillance system is turned on. Maybe he’ll let something slip and we can blackmail him into the deal. We’ll loosen him up with plenty of champagne. VICE-PRESIDENT Mr. President, there is one thing you should know about Kenyans. Our tolerance for drugs and alcohol is exceeded only by our propensity for violence and our insatiable sexual appetite. Three bottles of champagne and a ganja stick as big as his dick would phase him not in the slightest. Not like certain white individuals with whom I am familiar. PRESIDENT And to whom are you referring? VICE-PRESIDENT To your best estimation, the sum total of the times at Harvard I hauled your drunken white ass back to our room after but a modicum of indulgence... PRESIDENT Let’s see. Thirty six weeks in the school year. Two party nights per week. That’s 72, times four years, so I’d say 288 times. VICE-PRESIDENT We’ll round to 300 and call it square. PRESIDENT Maddy’s the same way. Oh shit. We’re late. She hates it when I’m late. Remember, Mojo Kenyatta in your office. 75 a barrel. If you (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  9. 9. CONTINUED: 8. PRESIDENT (cont’d) pull it off, I might even vote for you. Let’s go.INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTThe President and First Lady, and their Kenyan counterparts,stand together, four across, at the top of the stairs. PRESIDENT Mr. President, may I present my wife, the First Lady of the United States, Mrs. Madeleine McAdams. KENYATTA The pleasure is mine.They shake hands, their eyes meet, they smile, and somethinghappens. MADELEINE MCADAMS You’ll have to excuse me. I’m not myself tonight. I’ve caught a bad cold. Undoubtedly caused by the White House drafts. KENYATTA My sincere wishes for your most speedy recovery. Health is our most precious commodity. Mr. President. Mrs. McAdams. The First Lady of Kenya.They nod and they shake hands. All four descend the stairs.INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHTPresident McAdams stands at the podium. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Honored guests. Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight is a joyous occasion. The President and First Lady of Kenya join with us to celebrate the close ties between our two countries. I toast to their health and happiness, and to the health and happiness of their entire family.The First Lady takes one small sip. (CONTINUED)
  10. 10. CONTINUED: 9.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) Tonight is not a political event, but I must emphasize that we live in perilous times. There is an energy crisis in the United States, due to the difficulty of importing oil at an equitable price.He glances at President Kenyatta. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) The Arab-Israeli issue remains unresolved.He looks at the Israeli ambassador and then to an Arabdiplomat dressed in a long, white flowing robe. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) An Asian nation is attempting to dominate the world - economically and otherwise.He looks at the Chinese ambassador. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) And finally - terrorism. So I propose a toast. To the resolution of these problems.The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) If I’m not mistaken, our distinguished Vice-President would like to add a few words. Ladies and gentleman, Vice-President Reefer Rafer Rufus, no Rafer Rufus Reefer, wait a minute, Rufus Reefer Rafer, damn after all these years I still (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  11. 11. CONTINUED: 10. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) (cont’d) can’t get it right, Reefer Rufus Rafer.The Vice President stands to the podium. VICE PRESIDENT That’s quite all right, Mr. President. I’m used to it. Regarding the President’s words, I could not agree more. These are the key issues of our times. I pronounce them "The Four Points." We don’t need fourteen. "The Four Points." A toast. To the man who stands to face them down. Whoever that may be. "The Four Points."The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses. VICE PRESIDENT(CONT’D) On a personal note. I am called the first African-American Vice-President. That is not true. I am the first Kenyan American Vice-President. My grandfather was of the Kikuyu tribe. I am a son of Kenya, and now, in America, my son attends Harvard.He gives Kenyatta a hard stare. VICE PRESIDENT(CONT’D) To the United States of America.The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses.The Vice-President stands down and Kenyatta ascends to thepodium. (CONTINUED)
  12. 12. CONTINUED: 11. KENYATTA I too view "The Four Points" with trepidation, but Kenya is not afraid.He gives the Vice-President a hard stare. KENYATTA (CONT’D) Together we shall overcome all difficulties. America has a partner in Kenya. I toast to our friendship.The First Lady takes one small sip.President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in onegulp.The Vice-President does the same.Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses.The First Lady stands and staggers two steps towards thePresident. She whispers in his ear. MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m drunk as a skunk. I’m going to go splash some water on my face. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Try to smile on your way out.She staggers out of the room.The white-gloved waiters serve the first course - a lobsterbisque.One of the waiters accidentally spills a large portion ontothe front of President Kenyatta’s shirt and tuxedo jacket.Kenyatta rises quickly from his seat, grabs a napkin andwipes himself off. WAITER Mr. President, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. KENYATTA That’s quite all right, young man. Accidents will happen. (CONTINUED)
  13. 13. CONTINUED: 12. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Are you okay? KENYATTA Fine. Fine. If you could please direct me to the men’s room. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Top of the main staircase. Turn to the right. End of the hallway. KENYATTA Thank you. I shall return presently.INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTTOP OF THE STAIRS KENYATTA (to himself) Did he say left or right?He turns and walks to the left, and stops half-way down thehall, adjacent to the Vice-President’s office.The First Lady approaches him from the restroom at the endof the hall. MADELEINE MCADAMS (slurring her speech)) What happened to you? KENYATTA An accident with the waiter. It’s nothing. MADELEINE MCADAMS Let me help you.She presses her body against his.She begins wiping the stain with her hand. KENYATTA That’s quite all right. Thank you.She extends her free hand to the crotch area of his trousersand rubs in a slow, circular motion. (CONTINUED)
  14. 14. CONTINUED: 13. MADELEINE MCADAMS It’s so hard. I like it.She backs him into the Vice-President’s office.She kicks off her shoes, lifts her dress to waist level,takes off her panties, and lays down on her back on thecarpeted floor. MADELEINE MCADAMS Fuck me !Kenyatta quickly steps out of his trousers and boxer shorts,and they engage in sexual intercourse.He ejaculates into her, groaning softly.They lay together motionless for several seconds.He rises, dresses, and leaves the room.She does the same, a moment later.A blinking green light behind a grate on the ceiling.INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHTThe First Lady re-enters, looking very pale.She staggers over to the President and whispers in his ear. MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m going to be sick. PRESIDENT MCADAMS (to the Attache) Get the nurse in her now.The ATTACHE takes out his cell phone.JJ runs in and escorts the First Lady from the room..As they exit, the First Lady brushes shoulders withPresident Kenyatta re-entering the room, neither taking theslightest notice of one another.
  15. 15. 14.INT. VICE-PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - NIGHTVice-President Reefer Rufus Rafer and Kenyan President MojoKenyatta sit across from one another at the Vice-President’smassive desk. VICE PRESIDENT The President appreciates your concern. The First Lady is doing well. KENYATTA A gracious and lovely woman. VICE PRESIDENT And I reciprocate as regards the First Lady of Kenya. KENYATTA Thank you. VICE PRESIDENT How old was she when they cut her clit off? KENYATTA It is the custom of my tribe. VICE PRESIDENT Your tribe is witch doctors and superstition. My tribe is education and the intelligentsia. KENYATTA And my tribe considers it a great disgrace to not safeguard the life of a man’s wife. VICE PRESIDENT There is no defense against disease, and may your Mau Mau witch doctors be damned. KENYATTA It is a fool who disbelieves in a spirit greater than himself. VICE PRESIDENT And it’s a lesser man, or not a man at all, who lacks the manhood to procreate a son. From Harvard my son sends his warm regards.Kenyatta hangs his head in shame. (CONTINUED)
  16. 16. CONTINUED: 15. KENYATTA We’re here to discuss the price of oil. VICE PRESIDENT 75 dollars a barrel. 20 million barrels a day. KENYATTA Do you take me for a fool? 85 a barrel. VICE PRESIDENT I don’t take you for a fool. You are a fool. 75 a barrel. KENYATTA 85. VICE PRESIDENT 75.For several iterations their respective mantras remain in an"85 75" loop. VICE PRESIDENT Let’s settle this the Kenyan way. Man to man. KENYATTA Yes. The Kenyan way. Man to man.They stand, take off their tuxedo jackets, roll up theirsleeves, sit back down, and begin to arm wrestle.They resume their "85 75" mantra.Their eyes lock and beads of sweat form on their foreheads,but neither side can gain an advantage.The tension rises to an unbearable level of strength andwill.President McAdams bursts into the room. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Knock it off. Now.The two combatants relax. VICE PRESIDENT He won’t budge. (CONTINUED)
  17. 17. CONTINUED: 16. KENYATTA He won’t budge. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Give him the contract.The Vice-President takes a contract out of his top deskdrawer and tosses it on the desk. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Sign it. Now!Kenyatta scans the contract, tears it in half, and throwsthe scraps in the air. KENYATTA Take your toilet paper and wipe your ass. You’re a lame duck, and I ain’t no band leader.He storms out of the room. PRESIDENT MCADAMS Evidently he’s acquainted with "The Godfather." VICE PRESIDENT Yes, but where’s our Luca Brasi, to make him an offer he can’t refuse? PRESIDENT MCADAMS He’s out there. Don’t worry. We’ll find him. VICE PRESIDENT From your mouth to God’s ear.INT. PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM - NIGHTThe First Lady is sprawled in bed, half asleep.The President disrobes down to his boxer shorts and gets inbed beside her. PRESIDENT MCADAMS How are you feeling? MADELEINE MCADAMS Much better, but I don’t remember a thing after the fourth toast. (CONTINUED)
  18. 18. CONTINUED: 17. PRESIDENT MCADAMS The waiter spilled soup all over Kenyatta. MADELEINE MCADAMS That’s right. I remember something about soup all over his shirt. PRESIDENT MCADAMS You were out of the room when it happened. MADELEINE MCADAMS I was? Well, the whole evening is a blur. What about the oil? PRESIDENT MCADAMS No deal. The Vice-President is not tough enough. We need somebody hard as nails. MADELEINE MCADAMS Like you? PRESIDENT MCADAMS Like me seven years ago. Wearing a velvet glove. My heart’s not in this kind of fight anymore. I’m on my way out. MADELEINE MCADAMS Not with me you’re not.They make love.INT. KENYA PRESIDENTIAL PALACE - DAYPresident Mojo Kenyatta sits at the head of a long mahoganyconference table. He wears a military uniform and hisexpression is menacing.Six high level cabinet ministers, each attired in a darksuit, white shirt, and maroon tie, three on each side of thetable.They look fearful. KENYATTA Today we face a national crisis. My wife has delivered herself of (disparagingly) "a female child."The ministers exchange wary glances. (CONTINUED)
  19. 19. CONTINUED: 18. KENYATTA My wives have failed me. MINISTER ONE You must take another.Kenyatta bangs his fist on the table. KENYATTA No. The Great Spirit speaks. He calls for vengeance. Vengeance and blood. To lift this curse. When the Great Spirit is appeased, then I shall have a son. Until then, vengeance and blood. MINISTER TWO Are we not gathered together to hear your most sublime and wise pronouncement? KENYATTA I am a man educated in the ways of Western justice. We chop off their heads. MINISTER THREE A most excellent suggestion. After a fair trial, of course. KENYATTA Not necessarily. First the sentence, then the verdict, then the trial. It’s in "Alice in Wonderland." MINISTER FOUR As fine a work of literature as ever written, but may I make a counter suggestion to that of my most distinguished colleague? KENYATTA If you value your life, it had better be a good one. Proceed. MINISTER FOUR A signed confession from each of them. Think Joseph Stalin and the Great Purge of 1932. (CONTINUED)
  20. 20. CONTINUED: 19. MINISTER FIVE And if I may be so bold to ask, what precisely is the charge? KENYATTA Treason, of course. Each of you shall prepare an airtight case against one of my wives, fully documented, together with a freely coerced signed confession. The world must see that I am a man of justice. After all, we are not savages. MINISTER SIX And when do you decree this task be done? KENYATTA I want each head on a platter by sunrise tomorrow, and fed to the buzzards for breakfast. The Great Spirit must be appeased. MINISTER ONE And how are we to choose the one who meets the justice of which you so nobly speak? KENYATTA As fine a question as ever has been asked, but anticipated, most assuredly anticipated.He removes his military cap, into which he places six scrapsof paper.He pushes the cap to the center of the table. KENYATTA Proceed.The ministers draw from the cap. MINISTER ONE Akihla. The First Lady. KENYATTA Good. Make it slow. I’ll never forgive her for twin girls.. (CONTINUED)
  21. 21. CONTINUED: 20. MINISTER TWO Ghinjo. MINISTER THREE Fatuma. MINISTER FOUR Habiba. MINISTER FIVE Ramia. MINISTER SIX Fafa ! Sir, with all due respect, she’s only thirteen. KENYATTA Her lucky number. Send her back to her daddy’s farm. He’s a loyal tribesman. Remember, you Oxford educated, kinky haired, pearl teethed, flat nosed, rhinoceros horned, leopard clawed, black-skinned, blood soaked bastards. (pompously) "The quality of mercy is not strained...it is an attribute of God himself." William Shakespeare. "The Merchant of Venice." MINISTER SIX Your erudition bespeaks your wisdom. KENYATTA All of you. Get to work. I have a meeting scheduled with the Chinese ambassador. They want to trade rice for oil. Don’t those people ever quit? How stupid do they think we are? After all, we’re not Americans.EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAYTime lapse of eight and one-half months.
  22. 22. 21.INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION ROOM - DAYA long line of people extends from a table where First LadyMadeleine McAdams is seated.She signs autographs of her book.JJ stands directly behind her.The First Lady stands and stretches, revealing a near fullterm pregnancy. WOMAN ONE I loved the part about your days as an actress, doing "The Taming of the Shrew." MADELEINE MCADAMS We’ll be doing a sequel soon. On the stiletto high-heel business. We’re calling it "The Framing of the Shoe." But don’t worry. There’s a point to it. WOMAN ONE (laughing) I think it’s wonderful that you are donating all the proceeds to charity. MADELEINE MCADAMS So many African orphans need our help.MONTAGE:Signings, smiles and casual conversation.INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION ROOM - DAYThe agents close the door.One WOMAN remains. Unkempt appearance, pale blue eyes sunkendeeply into her ghostly white face. Pregnant, nearly fullterm. MADELEINE MCADAMS Do you have a book, my dear?The woman sinks to her knees. (CONTINUED)
  23. 23. CONTINUED: 22.The Secret Service agents start forward but the First Ladymotions them to stay back. WOMAN Please. You must help me. I’m begging you. Please. Help me. MADELEINE MCADAMS What is it, my dear? Tell me. WOMAN My family. My family. MADELEINE MCADAMS What about your family? WOMAN (sobbing) My husband lost his job. I have four children at home. Another on the way. Our house is being foreclosed. We don’t have enough to eat. MADELEINE MCADAMS Please. Stand up. What is your name? WOMAN Viola. Viola Banks. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you. MADELEINE MCADAMS No. That’s quite all right. Mrs. Banks, I want to help you. Here. Write down your address. Someone will be out to see you. I promise.Mrs. Banks writes on a piece of paper.JJ leans over and takes it from off the table WOMAN Thank you. You are very kind. MADELEINE MCADAMS I see that you and I have something in common WOMAN Yes. Five is my lucky number. (CONTINUED)
  24. 24. CONTINUED: 23. MADELEINE MCADAMS It’s my first, you know.Suddenly the woman’s water breaks.The amniotic water trickles out from under her skirt.She doubles over in pain. WOMAN It’s starting. Oh... MADELEINE MCADAMS Get her to a hospital. Now.A Secret Service agents rushes her out of the room.The First Lady stands and turns to JJ. MADELEINE MCADAMS (CONT’D) Don’t lose that address.INT. PRIVATE BEDROOM - NIGHTThe First Lady lies flat on her back on the floor, her kneeselevated, breathing deeply.JJ kneels by her side. JJ One two. One two. Breathe deep. Good. One two. One two. Breathe deep. Good. One two. One two. MADELEINE MCADAMS JJ. It’s starting. I can feel it. Something’s moving. JJ Relax girl. That’s just the first contraction. We have plenty of time. MADELEINE MCADAMS No. No. No. It’s coming out. The baby’s coming out.JJ strips off the First Lady’s sweat pants. JJ Oh my God. This is the fastest I’ve ever seen. Hold on girl. You’re (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  25. 25. CONTINUED: 24. JJ (cont’d) right. I can see the top of the head already. Push girl. Push. Push. Push. Here it comes.The First Lady delivers the child.JJ bites off the umbilical cord. The First Lady ejects theplacenta.JJ takes the baby by the ankles, turns it over, and swats iton the butt. BABY Wah ! JJ It’s a boy. It’s a boy. MADELEINE MCADAMS Oh my God. A boy. JJ Get into bed. I’ll be right back.JJ takes the baby and hurries off into an adjacent bathroom.The First Lady crawls into bed.JJ returns with the baby wrapped in a blanket and hands thebundle to the First Lady.She looks deeply into the baby’s face, and then slowlyloosens the blanket so as to inspect every inch of thebaby’s body. MADELEINE MCADAMS JJ ? JJ I know. MADELEINE MCADAMS This baby is a "knee grow." JJ I know. MADELEINE MCADAMS How could this happen? (CONTINUED)
  26. 26. CONTINUED: 25. JJ You tell me, girl. MADELEINE MCADAMS JJ? How long ago was the President of Kenya here? JJ Don’t tell me... MADELEINE MCADAMS Just answer the question. How long ago was he here? JJ Let me think. About nine months ago. MADELEINE MCADAMS Oh shit. JJ What happened? MADELEINE MCADAMS That was the night I got so drunk on the champagne. There was always something bothering me about that night. JJ Like what? MADELEINE MCADAMS Like what do you think? That I had sex with the President of Kenya on the floor of the Vice-President’s office. I thought it was just a dream. JJ For the first time in my life, I am speechless. MADELEINE MCADAMS What do we do? The whole fucking world knows I’m pregnant. JJ I hereby tender my resignation as your nurse, personal assistant, and best friend. (CONTINUED)
  27. 27. CONTINUED: 26. MADELEINE MCADAMS Seriously. What do we do? JJ Where’s the President? MADELEINE MCADAMS He’s in Miami. Campaigning for your lover boy. He’ll be back tomorrow. JJ He ain’t my lover boy no more. Anyhow, we have until tomorrow to think of something. MADELEINE MCADAMS Think of something? We’re stuck. He’s so cute. Look at that dimple on his chinny chin chin. JJ I know. We’ll kill him, stuff the body down the new White House Kenmore garbage disposal, powerful as hell, and tell the world you had a miscarriage. MADELEINE MCADAMS What a great idea. But you make an interesting point. JJ I do? MADELEINE MCADAMS Yes. His name. How about Kenmore? After Kenyatta. Kenya. Get it. Ken for short. JJ I was thinking Hugo. After Hugo Black, the Supreme Court justice. MADELEINE MCADAMS How about Byron? After Byron White, another Supreme Court justice. JJ You know who my favorite singer is? James Brown. (CONTINUED)
  28. 28. CONTINUED: 27. MADELEINE MCADAMS Stop. You’re making me laugh, and I still hurt. Okay. We’ll go with James. James Kenmore - after the garbage disposal - Kenyatta. It’s got a nice ring to it. James Kenmore Kenyatta. JJ I know. I’ll take Baby James, and say I adopted an African orphan. Nobody will think a thing of it. MADELEINE MCADAMS That’s a great idea, but we’re still a baby short. Three billion people know I’m pregnant. I’ve got to produce something. JJ You could buy one on the black market. MADELEINE MCADAMS Please. Stop with the jokes already. It would have to be the white market. Besides, we don’t have time to go baby shopping before Madison gets back.The First Lady and JJ stare at one another. JJ Don’t tell me you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, ’cuz that’s what I’m thinking. (pause) Viola Banks. MADELEINE MCADAMS Exactly. The woman at the book signing. You’ve got her address. You go and buy her brand new baby for a million dollars. Cash. So we don’t leave a paper trail. Be sure to take your phony CIA card. Tell her it’s national security something or other. Besides, for number five, a million dollars is going to be hard to resist. JJ How are you going to get a million dollars cash tonight, girl? (CONTINUED)
  29. 29. CONTINUED: 28. MADELEINE MCADAMS Madison’s got a million dollars stashed in his safe in the Oval Office. You know, for instant bribes, hush money, all that sort of thing. Only three people know the combination. Madison. Me. And our esteemed Vice President, Mr. Reefer Rufus Rafer. JJ Naturally, he’ll get blamed for stealing it. MADELEINE MCADAMS Well...yes...but it’s either him or me. JJ I’m not worried. That old dog will find a way to wiggle out of it. Did I tell you he dogged me out with the French President’s wife? MADELEINE MCADAMS I’m not surprised. She’s such a slut. Anyhow, help me down to the Oval Office. I’d have you go alone, but it’s eyeball sensitive. And let’s clean up that afterbirth when we get back. It stinks.INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAYPresident McAdams stands at the podium. NEWSMAN ONE Mr. President, on behalf of the press corps, congratulations on the birth of your son, and we are all most gratified to hear that mother and child are doing well. Have you and the First Lady decided on a name? PRESIDENT Yes. His full name is Lennon McCartney McAdams. NEWSMAN ONE Sir, that is a bold and righteous name. I take it you are both Beatles fans. (CONTINUED)
  30. 30. CONTINUED: 29. PRESIDENT Of course. Much more than The Rolling Stones, but that’s a joke for later. NEWSWOMAN ONE And does the baby favor you? PRESIDENT The First Lady is taking credit for his blond hair and blue eyes, but he has the cutest round little pink tummy, just like his daddy. NEWSMAN TWO And the godparents? PRESIDENT The godfather shall be our esteemed Vice-President, and next President of the United States, Rufus Reefer Rafer...I mean Rafer Rufus Reefer...I mean Reefer Rufus Rafer...damn, I still can’t get that straight. And the godmother, Miss Jelsma Jones, my wife’s best friend and closest confidante. NEWSWOMAN TWO Sir, most political pundits attribute your party’s favorable ratings to your "Four Points" speech of last year, during the Kenyan president’s state visit. PRESIDENT Yes. That was a most fruitful occasion. NEWSWOMAN TWO Would you mind repeating them, for the record? They say so much in so few words. PRESIDENT Gladly. One. Reduce the cost of foreign oil. Two. Resolve the bitter conflict between Arabs and Israelis. Three. Fight the threat of China’s quest for world domination. Four. End terrorism, no matter what it takes. (CONTINUED)
  31. 31. CONTINUED: 30. NEWSMAN THREE Thank you, Mr. President. May God bless your family.INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAYThe President and Vice-President sit facing each other onopposing sofas, drinking brandy and smoking cigars. PRESIDENT I’ve got an hour to spare. The ambassador from Turkey canceled his appointment. He’s protesting. VICE PRESIDENT’ Protesting what. PRESIDENT Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. VICE PRESIDENT Couldn’t you squeeze in the ambassador from Greece? PRESIDENT Greece and Turkey are deadly enemies. VICE PRESIDENT So get the ambassador from Hungary to mediate.The President leans back and puffs on his cigar. PRESIDENT Where’s the money? VICE PRESIDENT What money? PRESIDENT The money that you stole. VICE PRESIDENT From my brother’s piggy bank? PRESIDENT’ I didn’t know you had a brother. VICE PRESIDENT I ain’t got No-o-o-o brother. We black folk always be talkin’ ’bout (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  32. 32. CONTINUED: 31. VICE PRESIDENT (cont’d) brother this and brother that. I mean, it is common in the black community for one male to refer to another black male as his brother. PRESIDENT (angrily) I’m not talking about anybody’s piggy bank. I’m talking about the money in my safe. VICE PRESIDENT Oh that money. I didn’t steal that money. PRESIDENT Then how did you know it was stolen? VICE PRESIDENT You just told me. PRESIDENT No I didn’t. I said I was talking about it. VICE PRESIDENT So it’s still there. PRESIDENT No it’s not. VICE PRESIDENT How much? PRESIDENT You should know. VICE PRESIDENT How could I know how much money I stole if I didn’t steal it? PRESIDENT A million dollars. VICE PRESIDENT A million dollars ! I thought we was talkin’ ’bout some real money. A million dollars of government money is a fart in a hurricane. (CONTINUED)
  33. 33. CONTINUED: 32. PRESIDENT It wasn’t government money. It was my money. For a down payment on my ranch. VICE PRESIDENT And you think I stole it. PRESIDENT I know you stole it. VICE PRESIDENT My dear sir, esteemed and honored President, and best friend, one cannot possess knowledge of that which is both inherently untrue, a priori, and lacks the empirical evidence necessary to substantiate the verity of the supposition. According to Aristotle. PRESIDENT Aristotle also states that when there are only three possibilities as to what is true, and two of them can be reduced to logical absurdities - reducto ad absurdum - then perforce the third option is true, by default, and need not be substantiated with empirical data. VICE PRESIDENT Given that access to the safe is under the purview of but three individuals, with whom we are well acquainted, and the safe sleeps securely, protected by an eyeball scanning device, then only one conclusion suggests itself. Maddy stole the money. PRESIDENT I asked her. VICE PRESIDENT What did she say? PRESIDENT Nothing. She slapped me across the face. Besides, why would she possibly want to steal a million dollars? She’s on top of the world. (CONTINUED)
  34. 34. CONTINUED: 33. VICE PRESIDENT Then you stole it. PRESIDENT No one can steal his own money. VICE PRESIDENT You’re right. It seems that we are at a bit of an impasse. However, from my point of view, I know that Maddy stole it because I know that I didn’t. PRESIDENT Your point of view is known only to yourself. You must respect my position. My best friend of 30 years, whose loyalty is as true as truth itself, denies it. My beloved wife, the love of my life, the mother of my son, who lacks the slightest need to steal, denies it. I have no choice. VICE PRESIDENT What are you saying? PRESIDENT You have one week to prove your innocence. If you can prove that Maddy did it, and I mean prove, I’ll find out why, and then forgive her. If not, I will kill your candidacy for President of the United States. This is NOT your college roommate speaking. You are excused. VICE PRESIDENT Yes sir.EXT. FRONT PORCH OF BUNGALOW - NIGHTThe Vice President knocks on the door. JJ answers. JJ What are you doing sniffin’ ’round here, you old dog. VICE PRESIDENT We need to talk. (CONTINUED)
  35. 35. CONTINUED: 34. JJ We don’t need to talk ’bout ’nothin’. Go talk to the Queen of France. VICE PRESIDENT Please. I’m sorry. JJ So now you’re sorry ’bout doggin’ me out with that white bitch. VICE PRESIDENT I’m begging you. It’s my life. JJ Okay. C’mon in. I’ll give you five minutes.He enters the house and they sit in the living room. JJ Well? VICE PRESIDENT The President’s threatening to kill my candidacy. JJ So? VICE PRESIDENT He thinks I stole a million dollars from his safe. JJ I’m sure you did. VICE PRESIDENT I did not. I’m innocent. JJ Nobody’s innocent. VICE PRESIDENT JJ. You’ve got to believe me. I’m a philanderer. I’m a political scoundrel. But I am not a thief. JJ Yes you are. You stole my heart, before you broke it. (CONTINUED)
  36. 36. CONTINUED: 35. VICE PRESIDENT It will never happen again. JJ You damn straight it will never happen again, ’cuz your five minutes is up. You know the way out. VICE PRESIDENT Wait. I’ve got to prove that Maddy did it. JJ (furious) Get out. Now.A loud, piercing cry from the next room. BABY JAMES Wah ! VICE PRESIDENT What was that? JJ Never you mind.JJ hurries out of the living room, into the bedroom. TheVice President follows her.He sees JJ changing the baby’s soiled diapers. VICE PRESIDENT Whose baby is that? JJ I thought I told you to get out. (to Baby James). There. There. Mommy’s going to change your diapie wipies. You’re all poopie woopie. That’s a good boy. VICE PRESIDENT Girl. What are you doin’ with that baby? JJ I’m baby sitting. VICE PRESIDENT Why you got a crib, a basinette and a changing table all set up? And (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  37. 37. CONTINUED: 36. VICE PRESIDENT (cont’d) all those bottles. Must be some long-time baby sitting. JJ Mind your own damn business. VICE PRESIDENT I know when you be lyin’. Is that your baby? JJ Yeah. It’s my baby. VICE PRESIDENT You be lyin’ again. I been keepin’ an eye on you. You’ve been flat as a board. You ain’t been carryin’ no baby. JJ I adopted him. He’s an African orphan. Look for yourself. He’s blacker than your black ass.He peers over the side of the crib. VICE PRESIDENT That baby ain’t even a week old. JJ So what? I got a good deal at the baby store. A holiday blow out sale. All sales final. No refunds. No returns. VICE PRESIDENT How much you pay for him? JJ A million dollars.She puts her hand over her mouth. He notices.JJ wraps the soiled diaper into a small bundle and places iton the side table.The Vice President surreptitiously snatches the bundle andputs it in his pocket.She carries the baby out of the room. He follows. (CONTINUED)
  38. 38. CONTINUED: 37. JJ Now we gonna get some milky wilky. Yummy yummy. VICE PRESIDENT Excuse me for this untimely intrusion. I can see that you are occupied with far more important matters than my petty political concerns. JJ All I can say is that if he cans your ass, you deserve it. VICE PRESIDENT Like for stealing a million dollars. It ain’t me who’s gonna get the can. JJ You know where the door is. Use it. (to Baby James) Oh you’re such a cutie pie.INT. VICE-PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - DAYThe Vice-President is at his desk, telephone pressed to hisear. VICE PRESIDENT Have you done the analysis? SCIENTIST Concerning the fecal matter smear sample which your excellency sent to my office yesterday for DNA analysis, I would like to remind our esteemed Vice President that this is the Food and Drug Administration, and that fecal matter, or "shit" to use the vernacular, by congressional definition, falls more properly under the purview of the Department of Energy. Nevertheless, I was able to circumvent this restriction by redefining "food" as that nutrient substance which both enters and exits the body through its respective orifices. (CONTINUED)
  39. 39. CONTINUED: 38. VICE PRESIDENT Get to the point. SCIENTIST Using a hash algorithm, I ran a massive cross-referencing search against our database and was unable to determine the paternal progenitor. VICE PRESIDENT Oh. Is that all? SCIENTIST Not exactly. (pause) Mr. Vice President, is this a secure line? VICE PRESIDENT So secure even the Chinese can’t hack into it, although they’ve been trying. SCIENTIST As to maternal parentage, I found an exact match. One hundred percent certainty. VICE PRESIDENT Who’s the mama? SCIENTIST Mrs. Madeleine McAdams, the First Lady of the United States of America. VICE PRESIDENT Holy shit ! SCIENTIST Yes sir. That would be one way of putting it. VICE PRESIDENT Who knows about these results, besides yourself? SCIENTIST No one. I personally conducted this test in total secrecy. VICE PRESIDENT Very good. Upon my election to the Presidency, I shall appoint you to a cabinet level position. (CONTINUED)
  40. 40. CONTINUED: 39. SCIENTIST Thank you sir. I am honored to be of service. VICE PRESIDENT One minor point for your consideration. If you should ever so much as utter the words "DNA," "shit" and "First Lady" in the same sentence...I will have you killed. Now, is there anything I just said that you don’t understand? SCIENTIST No sir. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. Thank you. VICE PRESIDENT Goodbye.He takes a calendar out of his top desk drawer and countsback nine months.With his remote, he rewinds his surveillance camera to thedate of Mojo Kenyatta’s visit.A wicked smile on his face, he watches the sexual encounterbetween the First Lady and Mojo Kenyatta. VICE PRESIDENT I am a Grade A, government certified, full-fledged, bona fide motherfucker, and the next President of the United States.EXT. WHITE HOUSE VERANDA - DAYThe First Lady, JJ, and the Vice-President partake of a latemorning breakfast. VICE PRESIDENT A most excellent repast. A meal properly prepared elevates the mood as it satisfies the body’s needs. (pause) Do you know what my nickname was in high school? JJ Asshole? (CONTINUED)
  41. 41. CONTINUED: 40. VICE PRESIDENT Quite the contrary. Sherlock. As in Sherlock Holmes. The man who solves the mysteries. MADELEINE MCADAMS Mr. Vice President. Get to the point. We all have busy schedules. VICE PRESIDENT Very well then. You and JJ stole the million dollars and I can prove it. JJ The only thing you can prove is that when you drop your pants, you’re a dickless bastard. VICE PRESIDENT You weren’t complaining six months ago. JJ That’s before you caught the French disease. Thanks for the dose. MADELEINE MCADAMS Would you two stop squabbling. You can prove nothing. VICE PRESIDENT Right. I’m an ignorant nigger, but you ain’t sending me back to no plantation. You are the mother of JJ’s black assed baby. Mojo Kenyatta is the father, and you stole the million to buy a white baby from...somewhere. MADELEINE MCADAMS (stunned) JJ ? JJ His hang dog self came shufflin’ around my house night before last, lookin’ like Mastah Mr. President given him a first class whuppin’ in the woodshed, so I took pity on the poor fool and let him in for five minutes. He got a look at Baby James, but that don’t prove shit. (CONTINUED)
  42. 42. CONTINUED: 41. VICE PRESIDENT I beg to differ. Shit proves shit. When you weren’t looking I copped his soiled diapers and had a DNA test run on it. Our esteemed First Lady is the mother of Baby James. MADELEINE MCADAMS Of course you could find no match as to paternal parentage. VICE PRESIDENT Quite the contrary. The father is Mojo Kenyatta. JJ You a damned liar. MADELEINE MCADAMS Mr. Vice President, with all due respect, under a recent addition to the Geneva Convention, to which both the United States and Kenya are signatories, it is illegal under international law for any country to maintain the DNA records of any official from any other country. Such an infraction would incur severe economic sanctions. Therefore, JJ is correct. You are a damned liar. VICE PRESIDENT Nevertheless, the fact that I have proof that you are the mother of Baby James is enough to convince the President that you stole the million. MADELEINE MCADAMS If you go to the President, it will be your death warrant. VICE PRESIDENT Not on your life. MADELEINE MCADAMS Not on your life. Because you are the father. I’ll say you raped me. VICE PRESIDENT Nice try, Mrs. Madeleine McAdams, but I have a surveillance video (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  43. 43. CONTINUED: 42. VICE PRESIDENT (cont’d) showing you and Mojo Kenyatta having sex on the floor of my office. MADELEINE MCADAMS Even nicer try, Reefer Rufus Rafer. I have no doubt you have such a video, but the room was darkly lit, and all it will show is a big black man in a tuxedo having sex with me. I’ll say it was you, raping me. JJ Jesus Christ Maddy. Where did you learn to play hardball? MADELEINE MCADAMS How do you think Madison got to be President? VICE PRESIDENT I’m taking those diapers to Kenya and I can prove paternity there. MADELEINE MCADAMS You can’t just disappear for a week. You’re in the middle of a presidential campaign. You’re booked. The press will launch a manhunt. I’ll tell the President you’re sneaking off to Kenya to do a side deal for their oil, to line your own pockets. It’s impossible for you to get away. JJ In other words, your black ass is stymied. VICE PRESIDENT You let me worry about my own black ass. You got enough to worry about with your fat old thing. JJ And you couldn’t find yours with both hands. MADELEINE MCADAMS Mr. Vice President, I believe you know the way out. (CONTINUED)
  44. 44. CONTINUED: 43. JJ This dumb ass bastard couldn’t find his way out of a bathroom stall. VICE PRESIDENT You mark my words, ladies. This is not over. I will be the President.He storms out of the room. MADELEINE MCADAMS What do you think, JJ ? Are we in the clear ? JJ I think so, but I’m not sure. I keep getting this feeling that there’s something we don’t know about, and that he’s got another trick up his sleeve. MADELEINE MCADAMS Like what? JJ Like I have no idea. But we’ll find out.INT. CAR - NIGHTThe Vice President drives a black Cadillac Escalade along abumpy dirt road through a heavy forest.Beside him sits his son, MARVIN(21). MARVIN Tell me again why we have to fly to Kenya tonight. VICE PRESIDENT It’s time you learned about your roots. MARVIN I don’t think this is the way to the airport. VICE PRESIDENT Shortcut. (CONTINUED)
  45. 45. CONTINUED: 44. MARVIN Through the backwoods of Virginia? You’re moon shining, and you got a still stashed out here. VICE PRESIDENT Campaign finance is a tough business. MARVIN Is it true that the women in Kenya are beautiful, servile, accommodating, and put out like rabbits ? VICE PRESIDENT What’s wrong with the women at Harvard? MARVIN They’re not women. They’re girls. I like my women whose skirts are higher than their IQ’s. VICE PRESIDENT Remember what Abe Lincoln said. A woman can run faster with her skirts up than a man can with his pants down. MARVIN What’s that smell? VICE PRESIDENT Shit. MARVIN You should watch where you’re stepping. VICE PRESIDENT I didn’t step in no dog pooh, boy. It’s in my pocket. MARVIN Well get rid of it. It stinks. VICE PRESIDENT I can’t. We’re taking it to Kenya. That’s why we’re going. (CONTINUED)
  46. 46. CONTINUED: 45. MARVIN We’re going to Kenya to take shit to Kenya. Are you crazy? VICE PRESIDENT I have to personally deliver it to someone. MARVIN Who? VICE PRESIDENT The President of Kenya. MARVIN Wait a motherfucking minute. We’re traveling all the way to Kenya so you can personally deliver shit to the President of Kenya. VICE PRESIDENT That’s what I said. MARVIN Why don’t you just Fed Ex it ? VICE PRESIDENT Don’t you know nothin’ boy? There are customs regulations against sending shit overseas. MARVIN So I’ve got to travel 24 hours and 10 thousand miles smelling dog shit. VICE PRESIDENT It ain’t no dog shit. Who said it was dog shit? This is some high class baby shit. MARVIN Baby shit ! Whose baby? VICE PRESIDENT That’s a secret. MARVIN Don’t tell me ! VICE PRESIDENT It’s not what you’re thinking. (CONTINUED)
  47. 47. CONTINUED: 46. MARVIN I don’t know what I’m thinking, but you’re delivering the First Lady’s baby shit to the President of Kenya? Is this your idea of some kind of official government gift? VICE PRESIDENT It’s a lot more complicated than that. MARVIN Well I ain’t going. I am not smelling shit halfway around the world. I don’t care whose baby it is. VICE PRESIDENT Don’t worry. It’s almost dry. In an hour you won’t be smelling nothin’. MARVIN Well that’s a relief. I’m sure the President of Kenya will appreciate that as well. Dry shit is so much more...how shall I say it..."elegant" than the wet and stinky kind.The car stops in front of a small cabin made of earth andwood. VICE PRESIDENT We’re here.The Vice President and Marvin walk to the door. The VicePresident knocks.The door opens and there stands a heavy set black man indenim overalls.His features and build are identical to those of theVice-President.The two identical twins lock eyes. RUFUS What you want ? REEFER Got to talk. (CONTINUED)
  48. 48. CONTINUED: 47. RUFUS (looking at Marvin) Who that? REEFER My son. Marvin. RUFUS Talk about what? REEFER I need your help. RUFUS Mama said so. (pause) Come in.INT. LOG CABIN - NIGHTAn amber glow from the fireplace.A floor of rough hewn wooden planks.A dilapidated easy chair in front of the fire.Rickety wooden chairs scattered throughout.RUFUS limps to his chair and sits down.Reefer and Marvin sit nearby. REEFER Your limp’s got bad. RUFUS Eighteen years on a chain gang will do that to a man. REEFER I’m sorry about what happened. RUFUS Sorry ain’t nothin’. You got the good breaks. I got the bad. That’s life.The Vice President offers an envelope. REEFER Here’s a thousand dollars. (CONTINUED)
  49. 49. CONTINUED: 48. RUFUS Keep your money. I don’t need it. REEFER Marvin and I are flying to Africa tonight. RUFUS So what? REEFER We’ll be gone a week. It’s a secret mission. Nobody knows I’m going. (pause) I need you to be the Vice President for a week. MARVIN What? REEFER Shut up boy. RUFUS Mama always said you was a fool. REEFER So will you do it? RUFUS Don’t know. Got to think about it. REEFER All you got to do is make a few speeches, and then hang around the White House. Just do what my Attache tells you to do. He thinks I’m a dumb nigger, anyhow. RUFUS I ain’t no dumb nigger, nigger. REEFER I know you ain’t no dumb nigger. Mama always said you was stronger than me, and you was smarter than me. RUFUS I know what Mama said, but she ain’t here no more. (CONTINUED)
  50. 50. CONTINUED: 49. REEFER You’ve got to do this for me, brother. RUFUS I ain’t doin’ nothin’ for you. I be doin’ it for Mama. She said this day would come. REEFER So you’ll do it. RUFUS Yeah. I’ll do it. For Mama. REEFER Great. Okay. We got to switch clothes and cars. Here’s my official ID. You’ll be staying in the Vice Presidential suite at the White House. I’ve got a fake passport for the trip. Marvin, put the bags in your uncle’s car. Here. Don’t forget this. (hands Marvin wrapped diaper). And bring me in the green bag.Marvin exits and Rufus and Reefer exchange clothes.Marvin re-enters, carrying a green bag, from which Reefertakes an Afro wig, a pair of horn-rimmed glasses, and a fakemustache.He dons his disguise. REEFER How do I look? MARVIN Ridiculous. REEFER Good. Just the effect I want.He turns to Rufus and shakes his hand. REEFER Thank you my brother.(pause) What was that they called you on the gang? (CONTINUED)
  51. 51. CONTINUED: 50. RUFUS Hard As Nails. REEFER Right. Hard As Nails.EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHTThe black Cadillac Escalade pulls up to the main entrance.Rufus walks up the steps, limping noticeably.He stops in front of a young African-American Marine, who isstanding guard. RUFUS Evening soldier. GUARD Good evening, Mr. Vice President, sir. RUFUS Cold night. GUARD Yes sir. RUFUS I seen colder. GUARD So have I, sir. RUFUS Where you from? GUARD Minnesota. RUFUS Never been. They tell me it gets so cold there your piss freezes ’fore it hits the ground. GUARD That has been known to happen, sir. Thirty below ain’t nothin’ where I’m from. (CONTINUED)
  52. 52. CONTINUED: 51. RUFUS What’s your name, soldier? GUARD Corporal Lance Lincoln, sir. RUFUS You’re a good man, Lance Corporal Lincoln. GUARD Sir, that’s Corporal Lance Lincoln, not Lance Corporal Lincoln. It’s a common mistake. RUFUS I respect a man who’s not afraid to speak the truth. Where’s the Vice Presidential suite? GUARD Sir? RUFUS You heard me. Where’s the Vice Presidential suite? GUARD Uh...up to the top of the main staircase, to the right, third door on the left. RUFUS And his office? GUARD Top of the stairs, turn left, third door on the right. RUFUS Thank you, Corporal Lance Lincoln. Try to stay warm. GUARD Yes sir.INT. WHITE HOUSE LOBBY - NIGHTA bow-tied, bespectacled, buttoned-down little twerpapproaches Rufus. (CONTINUED)
  53. 53. CONTINUED: 52. ATTACHE Where have you been? The Secret Service was frantic. You must let us know at all times of your whereabouts. If you insist on seeing one of your mistresses, it is imperative that I be notified well ahead of time, in writing, or I shall have to inform the President of your breach of security procedures.With one hand Rufus clutches the Attache’s neck. RUFUS Who you talkin’ to? ATTACHE I beg your pardon. RUFUS Don’t go beggin’ me no pardon. I said who you talkin’ to? ATTACHE (gasping for air) I’m talking to you. Isn’t that obvious?Rufus squeezes harder. RUFUS I said who you talkin’ to, motherfucker. ATTACHE (choking) I’m talking to the Vice President of the United States. RUFUS You damn straight. Remember that, unless you want to be cleaning toilets in the White House basement.He lets loose. ATTACHE Yes sir. With all due respect sir, I noticed you were limping. Did you injure yourself? (CONTINUED)
  54. 54. CONTINUED: 53. RUFUS Ain’t none of your damn business. ATTACHE No sir. I just thought you might require medical attention. RUFUS Ain’t no medical attention be fixin’ 18 years on a chain gang. ATTACHE I don’t understand. Oh. I get it. A joke. Yes sir. Very funny. 18 years on a chain gang. Very funny. RUFUS Ain’t nothin’ funny ’bout 18 years on a chain gang. ATTACHE No sir. I take those things very seriously. Yes I do. RUFUS What you know about a chain gang? ATTACHE Nothing sir. I was just saying...I mean I was agreeing with you that...well, as you know, the President is working very hard to eliminate all vestiges of racial discrimination, particularly in the Deep South...and... RUFUS Shut the fuck up and be in my office eight o’clock tomorrow morning. ATTACHE Yes sir. Right away sir. Eight o’clock tomorrow morning. Sir.INT. VICE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE - DAYThe door opens and Rufus and the Attache enter.Rufus limps across the room towards his desk.The Attache follows two steps behind, mocking his limp. (CONTINUED)
  55. 55. CONTINUED: 54.Rufus stops, turns quickly and catches him in the act. RUFUS (with cold menace) Did I ever tell you about Rattlesnake Stan? ATTACHE No sir. I don’t believe so. RUFUS Meanest guard that ever was. Shot Wee Willie right between the eyes for looking at him sideways. Wee Willie weren’t no sidewinder, but he stayed dead. ATTACHE Wee Willie? RUFUS Biggest dick you ever seen. (pause) What you got there?He hands Rufus a sheet of paper. ATTACHE This is your schedule for the day.Rufus scans the schedule. RUFUS Says here a speech to the Iron Workers Union in an hour. ATTACHE Yes sir. One of our strongest constituencies. I suggest you give your standard speech on The Four Points. RUFUS What are The Four Points? ATTACHE Really sir? You don’t remember The Four Points? Are they too much for you? Four is a big number.Very slowly and calmly, Rufus places the paper on his desk,turns back to the Attache, grabs him hard by the front ofhis shirt and lifts him two feet off the ground. (CONTINUED)
  56. 56. CONTINUED: 55. RUFUS Listen to me, you bucked tooth, scrawny assed, lily livered, wall eyed, needle nosed faggot son of a bitch. I’ll slap the shit out of your ass. You wouldn’t last five minutes on the line before one of the brothers fucked you in the ass then slit your throat. Now I asked you a straightforward question, and you have two seconds to give me an answer, before I throw you head first out the window. Do you hear me, sucker? One... ATTACHE (quickly) Point one is that Kenya won’t sell us their oil at the price we want. Point two is the Arab Israeli conflict. Point three is China’s attempt to dominate the world. Point four is international terrorism.Rufus tosses him aside like a rag doll. RUFUS Good. Call the limo. We’re going to let the Iron Workers know what’s up. ATTACHE Yes sir. Right away sir.INT. AUDITORIUM - DAYThe auditorium is filled to capacity.Rufus loosens his tie, takes off his suit jacket and tossesit aside, and rolls up his sleeves.Polite applause. RUFUS Are you ready to talk? CROWD Hmmm. (CONTINUED)
  57. 57. CONTINUED: 56. RUFUS I said are you ready to talk. CROWD (louder) Yes. RUFUS I said are you ready to talk. CROWD (louder still) Yeah. RUFUS All right. Now we be talkin’. I’m startin’ with questions. Nothing off limits. Give it to me right between the eyes. Go.A big black man, resembling Rufus, stands. MAN ONE Why you be limpin’?Rufus stares at him intently. RUFUS You know why. Same as you.The man sits. MAN TWO When will you officially declare your candidacy for President of the United States? RUFUS Right here. Right now. I’m running. Ain’t no bones. Ain’t no two ways. MAN THREE Will President McAdams support your candidacy? RUFUS Ask him. If he does he does. If he don’t he don’t. Don’t make me no never mind. MAN FOUR Have you discussed your decision with the President? (CONTINUED)
  58. 58. CONTINUED: 57. RUFUS Ain’t no need. I make my own decisions. MAN FIVE Have you given any thought to a running mate? RUFUS Bobby Gold, ’cept he’s dead. MAN SIX If you are elected, who will serve in the official capacity of First Lady? RUFUS My mama’s dead. Ain’t nobody else. MAN SEVEN Is there any truth to the rumor that you and the First Lady’s personal assistant, Jelsma Jones, are romantically involved, and may have marriage plans? RUFUS (abashed) Ain’t no truth to that one. MAN EIGHT Could you please explain exactly what you would do, if elected, to solve the problems as stated in The Four Points? RUFUS Thank you. I been waitin’ for that. Point One. To the President of Kenya. I will make you an offer you can’t refuse. What do I mean? I mean I will make you an offer you can’t refuse. Point Two. The Arabs and the Jews. Masters of the spoken word. Abdul Abdullah. Op’ed his mouth and words like water flowed from off his tongue. Spoke poetry easier than butter melting in the noon day sun. We called him Shakespeare in Chains, ’til Rattlesnake Stan took him out, said he didn’t like his high falutin’ ways. And Bobby Gold, the boy with (MORE) (CONTINUED)