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1,001 facts that will scare the s#t out of you the ultimate bathroom reader


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  • 1. Written byCary Mcneal
  • 2. Copyright © 2010 by Cary McNealAll rights reserved.This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in anyform without permission from the publisher; exceptions aremade for brief excerpts used in published reviews.Published byAdams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.www.adamsmedia.comISBN 10: 1-60550-624-9ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-624-1eISBN: 978-1-44050-693-2Printed in the United States of America.10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Datais available from the publisher.
  • 3. This publication is designed to provide accurate andauthoritative information with regard to the subject mattercovered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisheris not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or otherprofessional advice. If legal advice or other expertassistance is required, the services of a competentprofessional person should be sought.—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by aCommittee of theAmerican Bar Association and a Committee of Publishersand AssociationsMany of the designations used by manufacturers andsellers to distinguish their product are claimed astrademarks. Where those designations appear in this bookand Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, thedesignations have been printed with initial capital letters.Certain sections of this book deal with activities anddevices that would be in violation of various federal, state,and local laws if actually carried out or constructed. We donot advocate the breaking of any law. This information is forentertainment purposes only. We recommend that youcontact your local law enforcement officials before
  • 4. undertaking any project based upon any informationobtained from this book. We are not responsible for, nor dowe assume any liability for, damages resulting from the useof any information in this book.Interior illustrations:Line art © Clipart.comSilhouettes © Neubau WeltThis book is available at quantity discounts for bulkpurchases.For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.
  • 5. ContentsAcknowledgmentsIntroductionChapter 1 Are You Gonna Eat That?The Ugly Truth about Food and DrinkChapter 2 Every Little Thing We Do IsTragicHuman (Mis)BehaviorsChapter 3 Totally Gross AnatomyThe Human Body ExposedChapter 4 Was It Bad for You, Too?Everything You Never Wanted to Knowabout Sex and Love
  • 6. Chapter 5 Will You Survive the 9-to-5?More Reasons to Hate Your Job, YourBoss, and Your Idiot CoworkersChapter 6 We Be Illin’The Sickening Truth about Your HealthChapter 7 “And in My Spare Time, I EnjoyDying”Bad News about the Things You Do forFun—or Used ToChapter 8 Let Me Hear Your Potty TalkThe Straight Poop on Going to theBathroomChapter 9 The Price of ViceFifty More Reasons Not to Smoke, Drink,or Do DrugsChapter 10 You Have the Right to RemainShockedThings You Shouldn’t Know about Crime
  • 7. and PunishmentChapter 11 When It Rains, It PoursA S#*tstorm of Scary Facts about theWeatherChapter 12 You Animals!Beastly Tales of Creatures ThatOutnumber UsChapter 13 The Fruited PlainFrightening Facts about America andAmericansChapter 14 Open Wide and Say, “OhS#*t!”Bad Medicine. Really, Really, Really BadChapter 15 They Did What?!Not-So-Proud Moments in World HistoryChapter 16 Buggin’ OutInsect Facts That Will Give You the
  • 8. Creepy-CrawliesChapter 17 Foreign ObjectsStrange Facts about Faraway PlacesWhere People Talk FunnyChapter 18 Do You Believe?Facts and Claims about Aliens, Ghosts,the Olsen Twins, and OtherRealms of the UnexplainedChapter 19 We’re ToastBad News about Our World and WhyWe’re All Headed theWay of the DodoChapter 20 What the—?!The Worst of the Worst and the Weirdestof the Weird
  • 9. AcknowledgmentsWriting any book is a massive undertaking,and no author does it alone, even thoughyou certainly feel alone when it’s 4:30 on abeautiful sunny spring afternoon and you’restuck inside banging your head against thedesk as you try to come up with somethingfunny to say about people being beheadedor bugs that eat human flesh while all yourfriends and family are outside somewherehaving fun without you, usuallyaccompanied by alcohol.Still, a lot of people made this bookhappen, and I need to thank them.Especially if I want to get hired again.Those people are:Holly Schmidt and Allan Penn at HollanPublishing, for giving me the opportunity to
  • 10. write this book, for believing in me, forcoddling me and listening to me whine andbitch about how hard it was and convincingme it would be worth the effort in the end. Itwas.Matt Glazer and Paula Munier at AdamsMedia, for their guidance and patience, andfor giving a first-time author a chance.Kirsten Amman, my researcher, whosetask was monumental; yet she did it withvigor and efficiency and glee. For that Icould kiss her, but I don’t want herboyfriend to beat my ass, so she’ll havesettle for a heartfelt thank you.Jenny Bent of The Bent Agency, for hergenerous and invaluable advice, and ElaineEnglish, my attorney, for reading all thelong, wordy documents and knowing exactlywhich parts were most important.My friends Don and Danna Calder, forlegal assistance, medical supervision,patience, and encouragement, and for
  • 11. entertaining my family while I was holed upwriting.Beverly Linzer Jenkins and AdrianneGershberg, the funniest chicks I know, fortheir comic genius and inspiration, and allmy friends from List of the Day.Amy Miller and Tom Jacobsen for theirunconditional friendship and for waitingmonths for me to answer their e-mails andreturn their phone calls.Amy Winter, my professional role modeland friend, and the entire crew at WolffBros Post.My parents, Perry and Jean McNeal, andthe rest of my family for their interest in,and support of, my writing.My wife Paige and daughter Keaton forloving me no matter what.
  • 12. IntroductionThe world is afrightening place.But you already knew that; you read it inthe paper, hear about it from friends, see itwith your own eyes every time you turn onthe TV to watch bad singers or dancerssubject themselves to abuse from judgeswith no more talent than the contestants, orsee a web video of a teenager shooting abottle rocket from his ass for amusement,or get plowed from behind in your car byanother driver who was texting “LMAO” tohis friends instead of noticing that the lighthad turned red and you had stopped.If random violence doesn’t get you,
  • 13. cancer will. If cancer doesn’t, globalwarming will. If global warming doesn’t,bullet ants will. Or botflies. Or lightning. Ortsunamis. Or the Great Pacific GarbagePatch. Or Fijian headhunters. Or just normaleveryday activities like drinking water,eating an orange, breathing the air, orhaving sex with a goat.Yes, we are in deep doo-doo. You shouldbe scared to death, right?Wrong.Okay, sure, this is a book of scary facts,and the more you read, the more afraid youare likely to be. I wouldn’t be doing my job ifyou weren’t. But if forewarned is forearmed,then the more you know, the safer you’llfeel, even if it’s a false sense of securitysince you can’t do a thing about most ofwhat you read here. But who cares, as longas you feel better?If not—if this information scares the shitout of you—that’s okay, too. You’re
  • 14. probably reading this on the crapper,anyway, and what better place to be scaredshitless? Isn’t that the idea, to be shitless?At least you aren’t befouling a nice pair ofpants. I’m also keeping you regular. You’rewelcome.While I’m scaring you, though, I alsohope to make you laugh. There’s a jokeafter every fact, for chrissakes. Do youhave any idea how hard it is to make jokesabout things like a guy getting the wrongtesticle removed during surgery? Okay, badexample. But you get the idea: you shouldlaugh when you read this book. If you don’t,either you have no sense of humor or Ineed a new career. I’m too old to start anew career, so the blame falls squarely onyou.Be warned also that you might beoffended by this book when I make fun ofsomeone or something you love. Butts ofmy jokes include doctors, dentists,
  • 15. Latvians, Texans, kids, pets, Deadheads,mothers-in-law, Death Row inmates,Catholics, Pentecostals, Sammy Hagar,Lyle Lovett, the French, Tennessee, fast-food employees, and numerous otherpeople, places and things. I also makeample fun of myself, my wife, my (fictitious)sex life, my home state of Georgia, andother things I hold near and dear. Sounbunch your panties and laugh a little.Even you, Sammy Hagar.Far more offensive than my jokes are theridiculous things that occur in this world ona daily basis, so read these facts and beafraid, be amused, be annoyed, be aghast,be whatever. You already bought the bookand I already got paid, so I don’t reallycare. Sorry, just being honest. (Sort of.)And remember: front to back, and keepwiping until the TP is clean.
  • 16. Your pal,Cary McNeal
  • 17. CHAPTER 1Are YouGonnaEat That?The Ugly Truthabout Foodand Drink
  • 18. 1FACT : Bottled drinking water has been marketed asbeing cleaner and more pure than ordinary tap water, but,in a recent study, a third of bottled water showed significantchemical or bacterial contamination, including arsenic,nitrates, carcinogenic compounds, and coliform bacteria.Probably the bottom third; that kind of stuff tends to sink.“Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?” NationalResources Defense Council, : Bottled water is rarely testedfor purity. An EnvironmentalWorking Group study found thatten popular brands were riddledwith chemical pollutants andbacteria, some as high as tapwater. Hey, you wanted lowprices.
  • 19. “FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goalsfor Bottled Water,” news release, EnvironmentalWorking Group, November 19, 2008,“Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?” NationalResources Defense Council, : While the results of tap water contamination testsare made public, manufacturers of bottled water do notdivulge their test results. Chalk it up to the protection oftrade secrets. Every brand of bottled water has its ownproprietary blend of pathogens, contaminants, and wastethat give the product its uniquely refreshing taste.“FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goals
  • 20. for Bottled Water,” news release, EnvironmentalWorking Group, November 19, 2008, : According to government and industry estimates,almost 40 percent of bottled water is ordinary tap water,often with no additional treatment. “Additional treatment” =changing out the lawn hose before filling a newbatch.“FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goalsfor Bottled Water,” news release, EnvironmentalWorking Group, November 19, 2008,“Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?” NationalResources Defense Council, : Almost 99 percent of imported food is neverinspected by the FDA or USDA, the two agenciesresponsible for protecting Americans from taintedproducts. They’re busy testing bottled water.Andrew Bridges, “Imported Food Rarely Inspected,”USA Today, April 16, 2007,
  • 21. 6FACT : One pound of peanut butter can contain up to 150bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs. Up to 150. Thatmeans there could only be 120–130. Whew! I was almostdisgusted there for a second.Stephanie Bailey, “Bug Food: Edible Insects,”University of Kentucky College of Agriculture,Entomology Department,“Food Defect Action Levels,” U.S. Food and DrugAdministration Center for Food Safety and AppliedNutrition, last updated November 2005, : One in five office coffee mugs contains fecalbacteria and E. coli, which can cause diarrhea, foodpoisoning, and infections. Not surprising, since most officecoffee tastes like shit. Related fact: Three of five officecoffee mugs feature sayings that are meant to be funnybut aren’t, like “Bean me up, Scotty” and “No coffee, noworkee.”
  • 22. Stephanie Muller, “Stay Healthy with Tips from aGerm Freak,” Health Communications Quarterly,October 19, 2005,“Dr. Germ,” Information for News Media, Universityof Arizona College of Agricultural and Life Sciences,February 17, 2005, : Vegetarians beware: many low-fat and nonfatyogurts and sweets contain gelatin, which is made fromanimal tendons, ligaments, and bones. You’d think thecrunching would give it away. It must be drowned out bythe sound of all those vegetarians patting themselves onthe back for being vegetarians.Ayami Chin, “Gross Facts You May Have NeverWanted to Know,” Associated Content, May 24,2007, R. Vieira and Louis J. Ronsivalli, ElementaryFood Science, 4th ed. (Springer, 1999), 237.
  • 23. Audrey Ensminger, Foods and NutritionEncyclopedia, 2nd ed. (CRC Press, 1994), 1057.9FACT : Fining is a process used by most wineries toremove particles and impurities from wine. Typical finingagents include isinglass (a collagen from sturgeonbladders), gelatin, and ox blood. Whatever impurities areremoved by fining, are they worse than fish urine, animalbones and ox blood?Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston,January 12, 2009, Peynaud, Knowing and Making Wine, trans.Alan Spencer, 2nd ed. (Wiley-IEEE, 1984), 291–294.10FACT : Even when grapes are harvested by hand, someinsects wind up in the pickers’ baskets. Workers simplydon’t have time to inspect every grape individually as theywork. Consider it fiber. We all need fiber.Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston,
  • 24. January 12, 2009, L. Creasy, G. I. Creasey, and Leroy L. Creasy,Grapes (CABI, 2009), 180.11FACT : Most wines are made from grapes harvested bymachines that scythe through everything in their path,including sticks, insects, rodents, and even largermammals, which can make their way into the end product.This is known to wine growers as MOG, or “material otherthan grapes.” MOG also stands for “Mother of God, I thinkthat was a hoof.”Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston,January 12, 2009, S. Jackson, Wine Science: Principles andApplications, 3rd ed. (Academic Press, 2008), 335.John Smith, “Grapes: MOG,” Oakstone Winery,
  • 25. 12FACT : In 2001, the Ontario, Canada wine region was hitby an infestation of ladybugs, which infiltrated many areawineries. When agitated, ladybugs secrete a strong, foulliquid containing pyrazine, a flavor similar to rancidpeanuts—and one that was perceptible in numerous winesof that vintage. Rancid Pinot Noir and Bugjolais, forexample.Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston,January 12, 2009,“Ladybug, Ladybug, Get Outta My Wine,” CanadianBroadcasting Centre News, January 28, 2003, : Molds are tiny organisms with thread-like roots thatburrow deep into the foods where they grow. While somemolds are safe, like those used to make certain kinds ofcheeses—Roquefort, Gorgonzola, Brie—most molds areunsafe for consumption, as they can contain listeria,brucella, salmonella and E. coli. Mold is also used tomake Frumunda, a briny, piquant cheese from the Netherregions of Crackoslovokia.
  • 26. Katherine Zeratsky, “Moldy cheese: Is it unsafe toeat?” Nutrition and Healthy Eating, Expert Answers,Mayo Clinic, : Bacteria multiplybetween temperatures of 40° and140°F, so be careful whenreheating food in slow-cookers orchafing dishes. This is goodnews for those who like fast-fooddrive-thrus—the French friesthere are usually around 34°F.Katherine Zeratsky, “Food Poisoning: How long canyou safely keep leftovers?” Nutrition and HealthyEating, Expert Answers, Mayo Clinic,
  • 27. 15FACT : Parasitic round worms such as Anisakis simplex,frequently found in fish, can lead to anisakiasis inhumans, a condition marked by severe abdominal andgastric pain, nausea, vomiting and abdominal distention,which can last for months. I think my wife’s been cookingwith those.R. Wootten and D. C. Cann, “Round Worms in Fish,”Food and Agriculture Association of the UnitedNations, Ministry of Agriculture Fisheries and Food,Torry Research Station, Edelstein and others, Food and Nutrition atRisk in America: Food Insecurity, Biotechnology,Food Safety, and Bioterrorism (Jones & Bartlett,2008), 28.16FACT : Long a staple of the American diet and U.S.economy, corn is a high-carbohydrate, highglycemicfood that fattens up cattle and does the same to humanswho consume it in excess. If you don’t believe me, visitNebraska.
  • 28. Melissa Diane Smith, “Corn Fed and Fat: TheAmerican Problem That is Spreading to OtherCountries,” News & Notes, Against the GrainNutrition, July 31, 2008,www.againstthegrainnutrition.comAudrey Ensminger, Foods and NutritionEncyclopedia, 2nd ed. (CRC Press, 1994).17FACT : Corn is in almost everything weconsume. It is the primary food for thechicken, pigs, and cows we eat; the sourceof corn oils found in many snack foods,margarines, and baked goods; used tomake high-fructose corn syrup, the mostprevalent, cheapest and, some believe,most hazardous of all sweeteners; andthe source of numerous food additives. Asa result, corn is found in things that comeout of our bodies, too. Like the one you’re
  • 29. working on right now.Melissa Diane Smith, “Corn Fed and Fat: TheAmerican Problem That is Spreading to OtherCountries,” News & Notes, Against the GrainNutrition, July 31, 2008, Ensminger, Foods and NutritionEncyclopedia, 2nd ed. (CRC Press, 1994).18FACT : Beef cattle evolved to survive on grass but are
  • 30. regularly fed corn, which has disastrous effects on theirdigestive systems, requiring a constant regimen ofantibiotics to keep them healthy. The antibiotics areclearly working; cows digest things just fine. About everytwo to three minutes, in fact.Michael Pollan, “When a Crop Becomes King,” NewYork Times, July 19, 2002, Nierenberg and Lisa Mastny, HappierMeals: Rethinking the Global Meat Industry(Worldwatch Institute, 2005), 25.19FACT : Many environmentalists believesalmon farms could have a catastrophiceffect on the world’s wild salmonpopulations. Concentrations of solid-wasteand nitrogens from farmed pens canpoison marine life, and many researchersfear that salmon farm escapees could soonoverrun and decimate wild stocks. As of
  • 31. 1999, a million salmon had escaped fromfarms in Puget Sound and British Columbiaalone. Although farmers use dogfish totrack the escapees, most ultimately findtheir way to freedom. Fish that are caughtare returned to the farms, where they faceintense grilling over an open flame for 8–10 minutes.David F. Arnold and William (FRW) Cronan, TheFishermen’s Frontier: People and Salmon inSoutheast Alaska (University of Washington Press,2008), 187.20FACT : Peanut allergies afflict an estimated 4 millionAmericans, and can be life-threatening.Almost half of annual emergency room visits and two-thirds of deaths due to anaphylaxis are the result of peanutallergies. On the bright side, if you’re a peanut allergysufferer, you won’t have to worry about all those bugfragments and rat hair in peanut butter.“Of Mice And Peanuts: A New Mouse Model For
  • 32. Peanut Allergy,” Science News, Science Daily, Jan.14, 2009, Shetty and others, Food Biotechnology, 2nded. (CRC Press, 2006), 970.21FACT : Peaches, apples, nectarines, and strawberries areamong the top six “dirtiest” foods, according toinvestigations by the Environmental Working Group. Morethan 90 percent of samples of these fruits tested positivefor detectable pesticides, even after being rinsed orpeeled. What, that two-second splash of cold water didn’twash off all the chemicals?“Shopper’s Guide to Pesticides,” The EnvironmentalWorking Group, : Independent studies showthat bell peppers, celery, kale,carrots, lettuce, and potatoes are
  • 33. the vegetables most likely toexpose consumers topesticides, despite being rinsedor peeled. Bell peppers, celery,carrots, lettuce, and potatoes arealso the foods most likely toexpose family and friends to yourlethal flatulence. Who the helleats kale?“Shopper’s Guide to Pesticides,” The EnvironmentalWorking Group, : Red-colored grocery items like fruit punch andstrawberry yogurt are often dyed with carmine, which ismade from ground-up cochineal beetles. For some,carmine can cause severe allergic reactions and can evenlead to anaphylactic shock. That’s too bad, because eatingground-up beetles sounds really great otherwise.
  • 34. Daniel M. Marmion, Handbook of U.S. Colorants:Foods, Drugs, Cosmetics, and Medical Devices, 3rded. (Wiley-Interscience, 1991), 128.J.B. Greig, “Cochineal Extract, Carmine, andCarminic Acid,” WHO Food Additive Series 46,Food Standards Agency, London, : Citrus Red No.2 is often used to give Floridaoranges a brighter, more appealing hue.The same dye has been banned for use in foodprocessing because studies have shown that it causescancer. Citrus Red No. 2 is also used at spray-on tanningspas to give customers that oh-so-life-like bright orangeglow.Mike Adams, “Grocery Warning: The Seven MostDangerous Ingredients in Conventional Foods,”(Truth Publishing LLC, 2006), Organic ConsumersAssociation, Haas and Buck Levin, Staying Healthy withNutrition: The Complete Guide to Diet and NutritionalMedicine, 21st ed. (Celestial Arts, 2006), 447.
  • 35. 25FACT : Prior to 2007, Girl Scout cookies were made withtrans fat-filled hydrogenated oil, though most trans fathas now been removed from the recipes. Hold on, Sparky.They’re still packed with sugar and saturated fat, so it’s nota good idea to down an entire box of Tagalong’s in onesitting. Even though I have. More than once.Thin Mints, too.Mike Adams, “Grocery Warning: The Seven MostDangerous Ingredients in Conventional Foods,”(Truth Publishing LLC, 2006), Organic ConsumersAssociation,“Thin Mints Recipes,” Little Brownie Bakers, : A diet high in processed meats like sausage, hotdogs, and luncheon meats increases the risk ofpancreatic cancer. Chemical reactions that occur duringthe preparation of these meats yield carcinogens, whichcould be responsible for the association. Subway’s Jared:
  • 36. “I ate Subway every day for a year and lost 200 pounds.And my pancreas.”Mike Adams, “Grocery Warning: The Seven MostDangerous Ingredients in Conventional Foods,”(Truth Publishing LLC, 2006), Organic ConsumersAssociation,“Processed Meat Linked to Pancreatic,” ConsumerAffairs, April 22, 2005, : Mushrooms can kill. The two species mostcommonly to blame in mushroom poisonings are theDeath Cap, which contains seven toxins and can be lethalwith just one bite, and the Destroying Angel, often confusedfor an edible white cap mushroom. Death Cap. DestroyingAngel. Who names these things, Dr. Evil?Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline, Robert Hall, Edible and Poisonous Mushroomsof the World (Timber Press, 2003).
  • 37. 28FACT : Think you’re avoiding monosodiumglutamate (MSG) by checking productlabels? You could be wrong. Food makersnow conceal MSG in packaged foods bylisting it under other names, such asautolyzed or hydrolyzed vegetable protein,torula yeast, soy extracts, yeast extract,and protein isolate. So the next time you’reat a Chinese restaurant, instead of askingfor “No MSG, please,” say, “No autolyzedor hydrolyzed vegetable protein, torulayeast, soy extracts, yeast extract, andprotein isolate, please.” And the waiter willstill nod and smile as if the MSG wasn’talready in the food and he could remove iteven if he had any intention of doing so,which he doesn’t.Mike Adams, “Grocery Warning: The Seven Most
  • 38. Dangerous Ingredients in Conventional Foods,”(Truth Publishing LLC, 2006), Organic ConsumersAssociation, Chandler Goldstein and Mark AllanGoldstein, Controversies in Food and Nutrition(Greenwood Publishing Group, 2002), 13.29FACT : Blowfish (fugu), a delicacy in Japan and HongKong, contains deadly amounts of tetrodotoxin, apoison 500 times stronger than cyanide. Several diners dieeach year from blowfish consumption. And yet, peoplecontinue to eat it. If I’m going to die from eatingsomething, I assure you it won’t be fish.Donuts, maybe, or bacon, but not fish.Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline, Jackson, Complete Diving Manual (NewHolland Publishers, 2005), 177.
  • 39. Robb Satterwhite, What’s What in JapaneseRestaurants: A Guide to Ordering, Eating, andEnjoying, 2nd ed. (Kodansha International, 1996), 64.30FACT : Because they are filter-feeders,shellfish can accumulate high levels oftoxins from the algae they consume. Eatenough of them, and you could die. Lobsterand shrimp: two more things I’d rather diefrom eating than blowfish.Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline,“Various Shellfish-Associated Toxins,” Bad BugBook, U.S. Food and Drug Administration, Center forFood Safety and Applied Nutrition,
  • 40. FACT : Rhubarb leaves contain a high concentration ofoxalate, which is poisonous in large doses.The stems contain a lower concentration of oxalate, andalso act as a good laxative. Some foods were never meantfor human consumption, and rhubarb is at the top of thatlist. The proof: it either poisons you or makes you crapyour pants.Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline, Shaw, Is it Safe to Eat?: Enjoy Eating andMinimize Food Risks (Springer, 2005), 127.32FACT : Potatoes contain toxiccompounds called glycoalkaloids thatcannot be reduced in cooking. Consumptionof high doses of glycoalkaloids can causediarrhea, vomiting, and, in severe cases,death. Death by potato. Still better thandeath by blowfish.
  • 41. Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline, Shaw, Is it Safe to Eat?: Enjoy Eating andMinimize Food Risks (Springer, 2005), 127.33FACT : Apricot, cherry, and peach pits containcyanogenetic glycosides, which release cyanide. Itwould take a huge dose to kill you, but there have beenreports of children in Turkey suffering from apricot seedpoisoning. In case you needed another reason not to eat apeach pit. Imagine passing that thing.Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline, Hui, R. A. Smith, and David G. Spoerke, PlantToxicants, 2nd ed. (Marcel Dekker, 2001), 47.34FACT : Chocolate contains the alkaloid theobromine,which in high doses can be toxic to humans, and in even
  • 42. small amounts can kill dogs, parrots, horses, and cats. Thismeans that despite its name, the Kit-Kat candy bar is nota recommended snack for your kittycat.I wonder how many cats have died because of thisconfusion.Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline, R. Goldfrank and others, Goldfrank’sToxicologic Emergencies, 8th ed. (McGraw-HillProfessional, 2006), 993.35FACT : If not processed properly, tapioca can be toxic; it ismade from cassava root, which contains a naturalcyanide-like compound called linamarin.If the plant is properly dried, soaked, and baked, however,the linamarin is rendered harmless and safe forconsumption. Soaked and Baked—two of my collegeroommates.Dahlia Rideout, “Ten Dangerous & Deadly Foods,”Divine Caroline,
  • 43. Rudolph Ballentine, Diet & Nutrition: A HolisticApproach (Himalayan Institute Press, 1982), 389.FACT : Bluefin tuna is popular at sushi bars, but it containshigh amounts of mercury. Mercury poisoning can causefatigue, memory loss, and numbness in extremities; recentstudies also suggest that mercury can increase your risk ofcardiovascular disease. Do not confuse mercurypoisoning with Freddie Mercury poisoning, which causesbuck teeth, stage theatrics, uncontrollable porn-mustachegrowth, and a desire to dress like Cap’n Crunch.36Aaron Casson Trenor, Sustainable Sushi: A Guideto Saving the Oceans One Bite at a Time (NorthAtlantic Books, 2009), 14.“High Mercury Levels Are Found in Tuna Sushi,”New York Times, January 23, 2008, : The well-known poison arsenic is approved bythe FDAas an additive to poultry feed and given to at least
  • 44. 70 percent of chickens raised for consumption in the UnitedStates. Arsenic has been linked to cancer, birth defects,diabetes, and death. Worse, arsenic has almost no taste.They could at least use cyanide, which is every bit aslethal but has the flavor of delicious almonds. And whodoesn’t love almond chicken?“Feeding Arsenic to Poultry: Is this GoodMedicine?” Going Green: A Resource Kit forPollution Prevention in Health Care, Health CareWithout Harm,“Playing Chicken: Avoiding Arsenic in Your Meat,”report, Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy, April5, 2006, : Though banned by all European nations andCanada, the synthetic hormone rBGH (RecombinantBovine Growth Hormone) is still used by American dairyfarmers to boost growth rates and increase body mass ofcows, despite being linked to higher risks of breastcancer and hormonal disorders in humans whoconsume milk from those cows.Got cancer?
  • 45. Samuel S. Epstein, Cancer-Gate: How to Win theLosing Cancer War (Baywood Publishing Company,2005), 223.39FACT : Overconsumption of purine-rich foods like lobster,foie gras, and liver can lead to gout, a type of arthritis.Attacks can last for weeks, and can damage joints,tendons, and other tissues. Gout has been called the “richman’s disease” because of its association with fine foodslike lobster and foie gras. But, gout can also be caused byexcessive alcohol use; this type is known as “poor man’sgout.”Those of us in the middle class are in the clear.“Gout—Topic Overview,” WebMd,“Gout,” The Free Dictionary Medical-Dictionary,“Gout,”,
  • 46. 40FACT : Commercial livestock and poultryfarmers routinely feed antibiotics to animalsthat are not sick to help them grow larger,or as a pre-emptive measure to make up forstressful, crowded, and unsanitary livingconditions. But antibiotic overuse buildsresistance to the drugs, and can lead toconsumer goods contaminated with drug-resistant, disease-causing bacteria.What about the stressful, crowded, andunsanitary office conditions facing theaverage American worker? Companiesneed to start giving drugs to theiremployees, but not antibiotics. I meangood stuff—Xanax, Valium, Percocet,Thorazine. It would certainly make the daygo by quicker.“Antibiotic Overuse in Food Animals,” Institute forAgriculture and Trade Policy,
  • 47. 41FACT : Campylobacter is a bacteria that can cause fever,diarrhea, and abdominal cramps. Most raw poultry meatc a r r i e s campylobacter, making consumption ofundercooked chicken the main source for this infection.Campylobacter does not commonly cause death. Butconsuming it will make you beg for death.“Campylobacter General Information,” Centers forDisease Control and Prevention, Department ofHealth and Human Services, : E. coli O157:H7 is a bacterial pathogen found incow feces. Consuming water or food contaminated witheven a tiny amount of bovine waste can lead to bloodydiarrhea, abdominal cramps, temporary anemia, andkidney failure. Bloody diarrhea: because neither bloodystool nor diarrhea is enough fun on its own.“Foodborne Illness,” Content Source: NationalCenter for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases:Division of Bacterial Diseases, Centers for DiseaseControl and Prevention, Department of Health andHuman Services, October 25, 2005,
  • 48. 43FACT : A century ago, the mostcommon food-borne diseaseswere typhoid fever, tuberculosis,and cholera. Today, we have anew list of food infections toworry about, including recentdiscoveries like cyclospora, adiarrhea-causing parasite foundin Guatemalan raspberries.“Guatemalan raspberries” is alsothe nickname of this explosivetype of diarrhea. “Start the gamewithout me. I got the Guatemalanraspberries.”
  • 49. “Foodborne Illness,” Content Source: NationalCenter for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases:Division of Bacterial Diseases, Centers for DiseaseControl and Prevention, Department of Health andHuman Services, October 25, 2005, : In 2008, a Nebraska policeman was awarded$40,000 after he sued a Taco Bell/KFC restaurant thatserved his family food containing an employee’s urineand spit. His son was hospitalized with gastroenteritis anddehydration following the meal. The employee whocontaminated the food was fined $100 but kept his job. Ifyou want to hide spit or piss in food, Taco Bell and KFCare the places to do it.“Family wins $40,000 over urine-tainted food,”, July 14, 2008, : The term “natural” (or “all-natural”) has nonutritional meaning and is not defined or regulated by theFDA, so packaged goods and restaurants can use theterm at will. For example, fast-food chain Arby’s claims toserve “100 percent all-natural chicken,” but uses artificial
  • 50. flavoring. Consumer food products, now made with 100percent all-natural bullshit!“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’tWant You To Know,”, December 13,2007,“‘All natural’ claim on food labels is often deceptive,”, March 21, 2005, Heller, “‘Natural’ will remain undefined,says FDA,”, January 4,2008, : One serving of Aussie CheeseFries at Outback Steakhouse contains2,900 calories—an entire day’srecommended calorie intake for theaverage person. No worries, mate, they’llgo right through ya. Cheese fries are only
  • 51. rented, not bought.“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’tWant You To Know,”, December 13,2007, : Many of the “low-fat” menu items at Applebee’srestaurants contain over 500 calories; the “low-fat chickenquesadillas,” for example, weigh in at a whopping 742calories and 90 grams of carbohydrates per serving.Applebee’s slogan:“Welcome to the neighborhood.” Of people who think theyare dieting but aren’t.“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’tWant You To Know,”, December 13,2007, : A medium fruit-and-yogurt smoothie at Dunkin’Donuts contains four times as much sugar as achocolate-frosted cake doughnut. Good, I’d rather have thedoughnut anyway.
  • 52. “Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’tWant You To Know,”, December 13,2007, : The Omelette Feast atInternational House Of Pancakescontains 1,335 calories and 35grams of saturated fat: that’sone and a half times yourrecommended daily fatrequirement and three times thesuggested daily cholesterolintake. Hint: Avoid menu itemsthat include the words feast,monster, explosion, blowout, oreat-a-palooza.
  • 53. “Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’tWant You To Know,”, December 13,2007, : Despite its extensive menu, chain restaurant T.G.I.Friday’s only makes nutritional data available for “low-fat”dishes (under 500 calories and 10 grams of fat each).There are only three such selections on the entire menu.On the bright side, your server today is wearing 87 piecesof “flair.”“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’tWant You To Know,”, December 13,2007,
  • 54. CHAPTER 2Every LittleThing We DoIs TragicHuman (Mis)Behaviors
  • 55. 51FACT : More American teenagers are killed in caraccidents than by any other cause, accounting for morethan one in three fatalities. Risk of accident is highest in thefirst year that a teen drives, and increases with the numberof teenage passengers in a car with an unsupervised teendriver. Risk of accident is also high in the last year that aperson drives, and increases with the number ofimaginary passengers in the car.“Teen Drivers: Fact Sheet,” Motor Vehicle Safety,Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, January26, 2009, : Roughly 100 people die every yearb y choking on ball-point pens. Evenmore tragic: it’s usually the only pen theyhave on them, so they can forget writing aquick farewell note to their loved ones asthey are choking.
  • 56. Mitchell Symons, This Book: . . . of More PerfectlyUseless Information (HarperCollins, 2005).53FACT : Some scientists view love in terms of addiction,and they might be right. One study discovered thatmonogamous pairing is based in the same region of thebrain as drug addiction. Losing your love can be likeexperiencing withdrawal. And for some, getting divorcedcan feel like taking ecstasy.Susana Martinez-Conde and Stephen L. Macknik,“Optical Illusions and the Illusion of Love,” ScientificAmerican, February 12, 2009, : Studies that examined what victims of a heartattack were doing and feeling in the hours preceding theevent found acute emotional stress to be a commontrigger. In one study, more than half of subjects reportedbeing very upset or under great stress in the 24 hoursbefore their attack. But probably not as upset as they wereduring and after the attack.Michael Feld and Johann Caspar Rüegg, “Head
  • 57. Attack,” Scientific American, June 2005, : Eating and drinking while driving is a seriousproblem. Most incidents occur while drivers are on theirway to work. If they spill something on their work clothes,they’re more likely to try to remove the stain, becomedistracted, and cause an accident. Hence these ridiculouswrinkle- and stain-resistant clothes that retailers areselling now. Sorry, guys, if I want a shirt that wears like acardboard box, I’ll just Scotchgard it myself.“The 10 Most Dangerous Foods to Eat WhileD ri vi ng ,”, March 2, 2007, : A 2000 survey on driving habitsranks tuning the radio as the most commondistraction, with over 60 percent ofdrivers admitting that they do it. Otherdistractions noted include eating while
  • 58. driving (57 percent do it), and turningaround to talk with passengers (56percent). Surprisingly, only a third of driverslisted talking on a cell phone as adistraction. Because the other two-thirds ofcell users aren’t distracted at all. They givethe phone call their full attention whilebarreling their car through anything in theway: stop signs, yield signs, roadconstruction crews, aging pedestrians,dogs, children, the blind, traffic cops,bicyclists, unicyclists, juggling unicyclists,mimes, midget parades, clown funerals,etc.“The 10 Most Dangerous Foods to Eat WhileD ri vi ng ,”, March 2, 2007, : From 2005 to 2006, black Americans had higherdepression rates (8.0 percent) than whites (4.8 percent).
  • 59. For both whites and blacks living below the poverty line,rates of depression were higher than those with higherincomes. Now we know why Navin Johnson was sobummed out in The Jerk. He was black and poor.“Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report: QuickStats,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,October 3, 2008, : Studies show that 87 percent of people fear gettingtrapped in dull conversations at dinner parties. Ifsomeone is boring you to tears, interrupt and ask if hewould mind calling you on your cell phone. Tell him youwant to check reception. When he does, and your phonerings, answer it and say, “Hello?” Then cover themouthpiece and say to him, “I need to take this, sorry,”then begin an imaginary conversation and continue ituntil he gets annoyed and walks away.Richard Wiseman, Quirkology: How We Discoverthe Big Truths in Small Things (Basic Books, 2008).59
  • 60. FACT : President Ronald Reagana l l o w e d astrologers toinfluence some of his decisions,including the timing ofinternational summits,presidential announcements, andthe schedule of Air Force One. I’lltake astrologers over Karl Rove.Richard Wiseman, Quirkology: How We Discoverthe Big Truths in Small Things (Basic Books, 2008).
  • 61. 60FACT : The TV viewing habits of millions of Americans fitthe criteria for substance abuse, with numerous similardependency symptoms, such as the inability to controlviewing, using TV as a sedative, feeling lack of controlwhile watching, angry feelings for watching too muchtelevision, and being upset when unable to watch. “I canquit anytime I—oh, look, Family Guy’s on!”“Television & Health: Television Statistics,”Compiled by TV-Free America, : More fast-food employees were murdered on thejob in 1998 than police officers. An average of four to fivefast-food workers are killed every month, usually duringrobberies, as fast food is largely a cash business and mostrestaurants have large amounts on site at any given time.Not surprising. I want to murder an employee almostevery time I eat fast food. Not for the money, though . . .just on principle.Eric Schlosser, Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side ofthe All-American Meal (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt,2001).
  • 62. 62FACT : Women with cosmetic breast implants are threetimes more likely than other women to take their ownlives, and are also three times as likely to die from alcoholand drug use. Why? Researchers suspect that many ofthese women had pre-existing body image and self-esteemissues before getting the implants. Nah, the researchers—obviously female—are just jealous of women withfabulous racks.Maggie Fox, “Breast Implants Linked with Suicide inStudy,” Reuters, Aug 8, 2007, : English teen Natalie Cooper is unable to eatanything but Tic-Tacs, and throws up anything else shetries to ingest. Cooper must be fed a special formulathrough a tube to her stomach in order to survive. She’dhave great breath if it weren’t for all the puking.“The teenage girl who can only eat Tic Tacs,” TheDaily Mail, February 9, 2008,
  • 63. FACT : In 2008, drunken Jersey City, New Jerseycouncilman Steven Lipski was arrested in Washington, DCf o r urinating from a night club balcony ontoconcertgoers watching a Grateful Dead cover band.They’re Deadheads—they should be used to smellinglike pee. I hope Lipski hit the band while he was at it. Theonly thing worse than The Dead is a Dead cover band.Rich Schapiro, “Jersey City Councilman StevenLipski is No. 1 threat at Washington club,” NY DailyNews, November 9, 2008, : In an October 2008 presidential debate, “Joe thePlumber” was mentioned twenty-six times, while moreserious campaign issues like the troubled U.S. economyand Iraq were only mentioned sixteen times and sixtimes, respectively. If only those other issues woulddisappear as quickly as Joe did.Posted by Brian Montopoli, “Joe The Plumber’sChat With Couric,” CBS News, October 16, 2008,
  • 64. FACT : Six-year-old Bennett Christiansen made headlinesin 2008 when he was approved for his first credit card.Bank of America gave Christiansen a $600 credit limiteven after he gave his actual birth date and listed hisincome truthfully as “$0” on the card application. “What’s inyour jammies?”Leah Hope, “Six-Year-Old Approved for CreditCard,” ABC Local, Chicago, June 18, 2008, : When Shanta Dargbeh’s ex-boyfriend took someone else to the prom in2008, the New Jersey teen set fire to hishome, burning it to the ground. Nice going,Carrie. Note to self: never cross a Jerseygirl.Associated Press, “Trenton Police Say Spurned GirlSet House on Fire,”, May 24, 2008,
  • 65. 68FACT : In 2008, a fifty-year-old woman from Saudi Arabiademanded a divorce in 2008 after her husband lifted herveil to view her face while she was asleep. She hadconcealed her face from him for thirty years. Because shelooks like Jamie Farr.“Divorce for Looking at Wife’s Face,” The DailyTelegraph, May 21, 2008, : In January 2008, domestic violence expert DeanTong was arrested for assaulting his wife. This wasTong’s third arrest, and his second involving domesticviolence. Howdo you think he became an expert?Susan Wilson, “Update: Abuse Expert Arrested onAbuse Charge Releases Statement,” Tampa Bay’s10 News, Brooks, “Author Under Arrest TalksExclusively with 10 News,”,
  • 66. 70FACT : A retired teacher inCalifornia admits that he taughthigh school for seventeen yearswithout knowing how to reador write. Neither could hisstudents, so it all worked out.Charisse Yu, “Retired Teacher Reveals He WasIlliterate Until Age 48,” 10 News San Diego, February14, 2008, : A man nearly died at an airport security checkpointin Nuremberg in 2007 after drinking a full liter of vodkarather than surrendering it before taking his flight. The manbecame severely impaired and had to be taken to ahospital and treated for alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately,he was one of the pilots, so the flight was delayed untilsomeone else could be called in to take his place.Associated Press, “Man Chugs Down Liter of
  • 67. Vodka in Airport Line,” USA Today, December 12,2007, : In 2004, a Syracuse, New York woman requiredemergency surgery and hospitalization after the bit of adentist’s drill flew off and lodged near her eye. At thetime of the accident, her dentist was dancing to the song“Car Wash” on the radio. The patient later sued the dentistfor more than half a million dollars. The story has a happyending. The patient is fine and the dentist got his wish:he’s working at the car wash.Associated Press, “Disco-Dancing Dentist Sued forDrilling Disaster,”, November 2, 2007, : A California dentist, Dr. Mark Anderson, wasaccused in 2007 of fondling the breasts of twenty-sevenpatients. Although he claimed that these “chest massages”were an effective treatment for TMJ, Anderson was laterconvicted of eleven counts of felony sexual battery. Nowhe’s working at the car wash with the other ex-dentist,presumably as a wax applicator. Wax on, wax off.73
  • 68. Associated Press, “Dentist Accused of FondlingFemale Patients Argues Massages Appropriate,”ABC Local News, Sangree, “Woodland Dentist MarkAnderson Found Guilty in Fondling Case,”Sacramento Bee, : A New York man faced arrest inTimes Square in 2004 for doing nothing.A police officer charged Matthew Joneswith “disorderly conduct” because“numerous pedestrians in the area had towalk around him.” Jones maintains he wassimply “standing around” talking to friends. Ifstanding around doing nothing is a crime, Iknow a lot of people who should be in jail.
  • 69. 75FACT : A woman in Pennsylvania was cited for disorderlyconduct in 2008 for swearing at an overflowing toilet.The off-duty police officer who lived next door took offenseat the language. If he thought the language was offensive,he should’ve seen what was clogging the toilet.Associated Press, “Scranton Woman Who Swore atToilet Settles Lawsuit,”, October 22,2008,
  • 70. FACT : 40 percent of women admitthat they have thrown footwearat a man. Women love shoes, soif she’s willing to hurl one at you,you know she’s pissed.Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).77FACT : A Nevada couple were charged in 2007 with childneglect after their kids became malnourished while thecouple played online video games for days at a time.Their eleven-month-old’s hair was so matted her head hadto be shaved, and her twenty-two-month-old brother haddifficulty walking due to lack of muscle development. Videogames may or may not be addictive, but being anasshole certainly is.
  • 71. Associated Press, “Parents Neglect StarvedBabies to Feed Video Game Addiction,” Fox News,July 14, 2007, : In 2005, a fifty-seven-year-old woman gave birthto her own granddaughter, a baby conceived with anegg donated by her twenty-seven-year-old daughter. Letme guess: Arkansas?Lucy Lawrence, “Woman of 57 Who Gave Birth toHer Own Granddaughter,” Sunday Mirror, August 14,2005.79FACT : In 2007 a British climberreached the summit of Mt.Everest, but ran out of air duringhis descent. As many as fortyclimbers passed the dyingman, unwilling to risk using up
  • 72. their own oxygen to help him.They’ll need it in Hell.Associated Press, “As Others Pass, Climber DiesAlone on Mount Everest,” ESPN, May 27, 2006, : In 2006, Claude Allen, a former domestic policyadviser for President George Bush, was charged forstealing $5,000 worth of items from several WashingtonDC-area stores. It sounds worse than it was. All he stolewas a coat rack from Pottery Barn and a set of bookendsfrom Restoration Hardware.John Files and Robert Pear, “Former White HouseAide Is Arrested on Theft Charges,” New York Times,March 11, 2006, : A former U.S. soldier who was wounded in Iraqw a s billed for his bloody body armor that wasdiscarded as a biohazard. The man, who left the Armybecause of his injury, had to borrow $700 from friends to
  • 73. make the payment before the Army would discharge him.Oh, and thanks for serving!Allison Barker for the Associated Press, “WoundedSoldier Made To Pay For Armor Pulled Off HisBleeding Body,” The Huffington Post, February 8,2006, : Multimillionaire David Pizer hasarranged to freeze his body in liquidnitrogen when he dies in hopes of beingbrought back to life someday. Pizer hasalso left his entire fortune to himself. I hopehe’s not counting on his heirs to unfreezehim.James Langton, “Rich Freeze Their Assets forChance to Live Again,” Telegraph UK, January 30,2006,
  • 74. FACT : A French woman who survived the first facetransplant in history in 2006 took up smoking again onceshe regained feeling in her mouth and lips. She spentmonths in the hospital and had umpteen surgeries afterhaving half of her face chewed off by her dog while shewas passed out after attempting suicide with a handful ofsleeping pills. Let the woman have a damn cigarette.Ariane Bernard and Craig S. Smith, “French Face-Transplant Patient Tells of Her Ordeal,” New YorkTimes, February 7, 2006, : In 2006, a forty-one-year-old British womanmarried what she called “the love of my life”: a maledolphin named Cindy. The woman had met Cindy fifteenyears before and said it was “love at first sight.” I’m notsure what’s more disconcerting, the marriage or the factthat someone would name a male dolphin “Cindy.”Associated Press, “With This Herring I Thee Wed,”, Jan. 3, 2006, : To fight loneliness, one Navy wife in Georgia
  • 75. purchased a mannequin dressed like a sailor in 2005to stand in for her husband, who was serving at sea. Thewoman takes the mannequin to dinner, movies, andshopping. Okay, if your wife can replace you with amannequin and be happy, you must be one boringmotherfucker.“Navy Wife Finds a New Man-Nequin,”, December 14, 2005, : A prominent cause ofdivorce among older Japanesecouples is “retired husbandsyndrome.” Doctors firstdescribed the syndrome whenwives began showing irritability,ulcers, rashes, and other stresssymptoms when made to managetheir recently retired husbands
  • 76. who have nothing to do but barkorders at them all day long. Bythe time you read this, “retiredhusband syndrome” will havebeen renamed “dead retiredhusband syndrome.”“Retired Husband Syndrome,” ABC News, January11, 2006, : A gunshot wound in his leg didn’t keep a Tampa,Florida pizza delivery man from finishing his rounds in2005. Dedication to his work compelled Thomas Stefanellito deliver four more pizzas before calling for help afterbeing shot in a robbery attempt. Tom came in secondin the Employee Of The Year contest, edged out by a co-worker who refused bathroom access to a guy who wasn’t apaying customer.Associated Press, “Bullet Won’t Stop This PizzaDelivery Man,”, June 8, 2005,
  • 77. 88FACT : Purdue University researchers saymost drivers have no problem exceedingthe speed limit by up to 20 mph and seeno risk in doing so. You know who will beglad to hear this? Sammy Hagar.Keith Barry, “Study Shows Drivers Feel Free toIgnore Speed Limits.”, November 14,2008, : Trichotillomania is a behavioral disorder thatmakes people rip their own hair out, pulling it from thescalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, and more, with bald patchesas result. The condition affects as many as 9 millionAmericans; 90 percent of adult sufferers are women. All ofthem mothers, I bet.“What Is Compulsive Hair Pulling?,” TrichotillomaniaLearning Center,
  • 78. 90FACT : Chronic skin picking (CSP) is aserious but largely misunderstood humanbehavioral problem. CSP sufferersobsessively pick, scratch, and rub theirskin, often in an attempt to remove smallirregularities or perceived imperfections.This behavior can result in skindiscoloration, scarring, or even severetissue damage. Chronic nit-picking (CNP)is a serious but largely tolerated humanbehavioral problem. CNP sufferersobsessively pick, nag, harangue, andcorrect others, particularly spouses,children, and coworkers, often in anattempt to remove small irregularities orperceived imperfections.“What Is Chronic Skin Picking?,” TrichotillomaniaLearning Center,
  • 79. 91FACT : People who have borderline personality disorder(BPD) suffer from mood instability, troubled personalrelationships, and an inability to control their emotions andimpulses. BPD affects up to 10 percent of all patientsunder psychiatric care. And about 80 percent ofpsychiatrists giving that care.Andreas Meyer-Lindenberg, “The Roots of ProblemPersonalities,” Scientific American, April 2009,“Borderline Personality Disorder,” National InstituteOf Mental Health, : Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) is an extremelyrare brain disorder that causes sufferers to speakinvoluntarily in a foreign accent. The illness is the resultof trauma affecting the area of the brain that controlsspeech. I think my hillbilly cousin has this. Every once ina while he’ll say something that sounds vaguely likeEnglish.
  • 80. Andrea Canning, “Foreign Accent Syndrome GivesSufferers an International Sound,” ABC News,November 13, 2008, : The rare neurological disorder AlienHand Syndrome (AHS) causes thesufferer’s hands to moveindependently, without his control over theaction. People with AHS have been knownto punch or choke themselves and tear attheir clothing without meaning to do so, andmay even need to use the healthy hand tocurb the alien hand. The condition typicallyarises after trauma to the brain, brainsurgery, or stroke. “Let’s all give it up forE.T.!” (audience applauds). That’s what Ithought Alien Hand Syndrome was.“Definition of Alien hand syndrome,”,December 15, 2000,
  • 81. Charles W. Bryant, “How Alien Hand SyndromeW o r k s , ”,“Alien Hand Syndrome: Nerve Impulses Can CauseMovement Even When Person Is Unaware,” ScienceDaily, July 17, 2007, : The Bible is the mostshoplifted book. At least theright people are getting it.Jerry MacGregor and Marie Prys, 1001 SurprisingThings You Should Know about the Bible (Fall RiverPress, 2006).95FACT : People with Cotard’s syndrome can suffer from avariety of delusions, which range from a belief that they
  • 82. are missing body parts or vital organs to thinking thatthey are dead, have lost their soul, or do not even exist. Theillness is found mostly in individuals with schizophrenia orbipolar disorder. You have to exist to be able to think youdon’t exist, DUH! Schizos are stupid.J. Pearn and C. Gardner– Thorpe, “Jules Cotard(1840–1889): His life and the unique syndrome whichbears his name,” Neurology, May 14, 2002, 1400–1403, : People who experience Capgras’ delusion areconvinced that others, usually those closest to them, havebeen replaced by identical impostors.The condition affects both sexes, but occurs morefrequently in women. Particularly when their husbandsmake dinner or take the kids to the park without beingasked.H. D. Ellis and others, “Reduced autonomicresponses to faces in Capgras delusion,”Proceedings, Biological Sciences, July 22, 1997,1085–1092,“Capgras Syndrome,” Disorder Info Sheet,
  • 83., : Piblokto, or Arctic hysteria, is a mental disorderthat affects people living in the Arctic Circle, typically Inuitwomen. It is marked by frenzied, disturbed behaviorsuch as uncontrolled screaming, running wildly, or removingone’s clothing in frigid weather; memory loss; seizures; andother symptoms reminiscent of epilepsy. They also drink ashitload of tequila, which doesn’t help.Emilio F. Moran and Rhonda Gillett-Netting, HumanAdaptability: An Introduction to EcologicalAnthropology, 2nd ed. (Westview Press, 2000).“Arctic Hysteria,” Sarah Efron, Journalist,July/August 2003, : Exploding Head Syndrome is a rare phenomenonin which a person approaching deep sleep experiences aloud bang in his head that sounds like a bomb explodingor similarly loud noise. Though the event seems to originatefrom inside the head, it is an illusion and does no physical
  • 84. damage to its victim. Exploding Head Syndrome soundsa lot like a hangover.“Exploding Head Syndrome,” American SleepAssociation, September, 2007, : Body Integrity Identity Disorder,also known as Amputee Identity Disorder, isa psychological condition that causessufferers to seek amputations forcosmetic reasons: they want their bodiesto match the idealized image they have ofthemselves as amputees. Doctors arestumped as to the cause of the disorder.They continue the necessary legwork toarm themselves with the facts before theywill go out on a limb and theorize aboutcausation, as they are determined not tocome up short and have their efforts cut off
  • 85. at the knees.“Body Integrity Identity Disorder,” Body IntegrityIdentity Disorder, : In April 2009, a Louisiana man was arrested forstabbing his sixty-three-year-old brother after the twoargued over a can of pork and beans. The victim wastreated for multiple stab wounds to his arm and shoulder.The two men had been drinking when the fight began.Alcohol and beans—always a recipe for trouble.
  • 86. “Man Allegedly Stabs Brother Over Pork andBeans,” Yahoo News, April 16, 2009,
  • 87. CHAPTER 3TotallyGrossAnatomyThe HumanBody Exposed
  • 88. 101FACT : If you sneeze hard enough, you can fracture a rib.But try to suppress a sneeze and you might rupture ablood vessel in your head or neck and drop dead. Ifyou try to suppress a fart and a sneeze at the same time,you could blowyour head off like a champagne cork.Cameron Tuttle, The Paranoid’s Pocket Guide(Chronicle Books, 1997).102FACT : While pubic lice primarilyinfect pubic hair, they can alsobe found in thigh, chest, andfacial hair, including eyelashes.How pubic lice might end up onone’s face I will leave to you todeduce.
  • 89. James G.H. Dinulos, MD, “Lice,” Merck ManualsOnline Medical Library, September 2008, : The human stomach must produce a new liningevery day to protect itself from its own acid. Whichsomehow reminds me of Groucho Marx’s quote, “I don’tcare to belong to any club that would have me as amember.”Matthew Fox, The A.W.E. Project: ReinventingEducation, Reinventing the Human (Wood LakePublishing, 2006).
  • 90. 104FACT : The acid in your stomach is so powerful that it candissolve a razor blade in less than a week. You shouldstill be careful when eating them, though.Matthew Fox, The A.W.E. Project: ReinventingEducation, Reinventing the Human (Wood LakePublishing, 2006).105FACT : If a boy is born without testosterone, his genitaliawill mimic that of a female: the scrotum forms labiamajora—the outer lips of a vagina—and the penisbecomes a sort of clitoris. That’s the guy you don’t want totell to go fuck himself, because he might try.Ruth K. Westheimer, Sex for Dummies, 3rd ed. (ForDummies, 2006).106FACT : The skin is the largest organ in the human body,
  • 91. covering about twenty square feet in an adult male. Italso constantly regenerates; a person sheds around fortypounds of skin in his lifetime. Some people can shed it allat once by just shaking their dandruff-ridden heads.Robert Dolezal, Reader’s Digest Book of Facts(Readers Digest, 1987).Mitchell Symons, That Book: . . . of PerfectlyUseless Information (HarperCollins, 2004).107FACT : We grow in our sleep, and wake up every morningabout eight millimeters taller than the night before.However, we return to our former height as gravitycompresses our cartilage discs back into place throughoutthe next day. It’s like “morning wood”for the entire body.Robert Dolezal, Reader’s Digest Book of Facts(Readers Digest, 1987).108FACT : The pressure exerted by a pumping human heartcan squirt blood thirty feet. Research is limited, though,
  • 92. so if you ever lose a limb unexpectedly, grab a tapemeasure and see how far your blood squirts before youpass out and die. Don’t forget to write it down, too.Mitchell Symons, That Book: . . . of PerfectlyUseless Information (HarperCollins, 2004).109FACT : You can find 20 millionmicroscopic animals living on asquare inch of human skin. Skinsounds like Tokyo.Mitchell Symons, That Book: . . . of PerfectlyUseless Information (HarperCollins, 2004).110FACT : The average human body radiates enough heat inthirty minutes to boil two pints of water. But only if you’renot looking. A watched body won’t boil.Robert Dolezal, Reader’s Digest Book of Facts
  • 93. (Readers Digest, 1987).111FACT : The postage stamp-sized foreskin from acircumcised baby takes just twenty-one days to growenough skin to cover three basketball courts. Suchlaboratory-grown skin is used to treat burn patients. This iswhy you should never call a burn victim “dickhead.” Youcould be right.Robert Dolezal, Reader’s Digest Book of Facts(Readers Digest, 1987).112FACT : Though female ovaries generate almost half amillion eggs, only about 400 of them will ever get thechance to be fertilized. It’s like being called for jury duty,except the eggs probably don’t sit there whispering tothemselves, “Please don’t pick me, please don’t pick me.”Robert Dolezal, Reader’s Digest Book of Facts(Readers Digest, 1987).
  • 94. 113FACT : Human saliva helps keep the mouth’s pH balanceslightly alkaline.If it didn’t, the mouth would create an acidic environmentthat would rot away your teeth. If the acid is that strong,you won’t need teeth.Kathleen McGowan, “The Biology of . . . Saliva,”Discover, October 2005, : There are over 700 species of bacteria thatthrive in the thirty-three square inches of the average mouth,making it the most unsanitary part of your entire body.Surely the rectum runs a close second.“Grossology Gross Facts,” Denver Museum ofNatural Science, : The types of bacteria in the human mouth varyamong the world’s population. North Americans, SouthAmericans, and Swedes harbor different bacteria. I think Ineed to swap spit with a Swedish woman so we can
  • 95. compare bacteria.Kathleen McGowan, “The Biology of . . . Saliva,”Discover, October 2005, : When full, the bladder expands to roughly thesame size as a softball. But it feels like a basketball.Made of lead.Truman Hedding, “Nineteen Things You Didn’t KnowAbout The Human Body,” : By the time you’re an adult, you’re likely to haveabout 5 million hairs growing out of your skin—the samenumber as a gorilla. Or Robin Williams.“Human Hair,” Discovery Channel,
  • 96. FACT : Male testicles create 10million new sperm cells everyday, enough to repopulate theplanet in just six months. Somemen try, too.Robert Dolezal, Reader’s Digest Book of Facts(Readers Digest, 1987).119FACT : Being “scared to death” can happen. The body’sprotective mechanism, the fight-or-flight response, pumpsadrenaline into the blood, causing the nervous system toincrease blood flow to muscles, dilate the pupils and, insome cases, evacuate the bowels. But adrenaline is toxicin large amounts and can cause death if it floods theheart unchecked. So being “scared shitless” isn’t justhyperbole, either.Coco Ballantyne, “Can a person be scared todeath?” Scientific American, January 30, 2009,
  • 97. 120FACT : Strong positive or negative emotions— ecstasy,grief, excitement—can lead to sudden cardiac death viaventricular fibrillation (irregular heartbeat), as in the case ofpeople who have died during sexual intercourse or whenfrightened. Or when frightened during sexual intercourse,which happens more often than you might think.At least itdoes to me.Coco Ballantyne, “Can a person be scared todeath?” Scientific American, January 30, 2009, : A study in Germany foundan increase in sudden cardiacdeath on days that the Germansoccer team was playing in theWorld Cup championship. If theyever win one, that number will goup, as thousands more Germans
  • 98. will die of shock.Coco Ballantyne, “Can a person be scared todeath?” Scientific American, January 30, 2009, : Some people are born with extra nipples(polythelia) or even extra breasts (polymastia). Extra or“accessory” breasts are most commonly found in thearmpits, but can develop anywhere along mammary ridges,which extend from the armpits to the upper thighs. And, bythe way, we still don’t know why men have a mammaryridge, just that they do. “I have nipples, Focker. Are yougonna milk me?”—Meet the Parents.Leonard V. Crowley, An Introduction to HumanDisease: Pathology and PathophysiologyCorrelations, 7th ed.(Jones &Bartlett, 2006).Susan Van Houten, “Accessory nipples (polythelia)and breast tissue (polymastia),” University HealthSystems Of Eastern Carolina, March 21, 2003,
  • 99. 123FACT : Breast cancer isn’t just a women’s disease. Mencan get it, too, though they do so much less frequently,about one man for every 100 women. Also, unlike women,men typically only get the disease after age fifty. Sounds tome like a good excuse to go into the mobilemammography bus and scope out some bare boobs.Gerard M. Doherty and Lawrence W. Way, CurrentSurgical Diagnosis & Treatment, 12th ed. (McGraw-Hill, 2005).124FACT : More than 90 percent of women haveasymmetrical breasts. While most asymmetry is slightand inconspicuous, women with significantly mismatchedbreasts can suffer mental and emotional anguish.Especially if you call them “Feldmans”or ask if one breastis adopted.Dimitrije E. Panfilov, Cosmetic Surgery Today,trans. Grahame Larkin (Thieme, 2005).125
  • 100. FACT : Humans shed about 1.5 million skin flakes everyhour. Bath sponges and washcloths can be filled withthese flakes and their accompanying staphylococcusaureus, a common skin bacteria that can cause infection ifit ends up in the wrong part of the body. In other words,don’t wash your crack with someone else’s loofa unlessyou want to spend the next six months scratching it.Philip M. Tierno, The Secret Life of Germs: WhatThey Are, Why We Need Them, and How We CanProtect Ourselves against Them (Simon & Schuster,2004).126FACT : Only 10 percent of the cells in our bodies areactually human. The rest are the 90 trillion bacteria thatlive on or in us, covering our bodies from head to toe.Only 5 percent of the cells in Christopher Walken’s bodyare actually human. The rest are from an alien world.Rose George, The Big Necessity: TheUnmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).Garry Hamilton, “Insider Trading,” New Scientist,June 26, 1999,
  • 101. 127FACT : Less sleep disturbs normal metabolism, whichcontributes to obesity, diabetes, and cardiovasculardisease. People who averaged just five hours of sleep anight also showed a higher level of ghrelin, a hormone thestomach releases to signal hunger. People who averagejust five hours of sleep a night also showa higher level ofghrouch, a hormone that makes you want to kicksomeone’s ass when they say, “You look tired.”Rick Nauert, PhD, “Childhood Obesity from Lack ofSleep?” PsychCentral, October 24, 2006, : All humans exist for half anhour as a single cell atconception. Some of us stay thatway.Truman Hedding, “Nineteen Things You Didn’t Know
  • 102. About The Human Body,” : The British Medical Journalhas estimated that smoking onecigarette takes eleven minutesoff the life of an average person.Too bad those eleven minutesdon’t disappear right as you’resmoking, say, during The EnglishPatient.Mary Shaw, Richard Mitchell, and Danny Dorling,“Time for a smoke? One cigarette reduces your lifeby 11 minutes,” British Medical Journal, January 1,2000, : The 250,000 pores that exist on the soles of thefeet secrete almost ¼ cup of sweat every day. Oh, is that
  • 103. all? No wonder they smell so good.“Grossology Gross Facts,” Denver Museum ofNatural Science, : Continuous farting for six years and nine monthswould create energy equal to that of an atomic bomb. Ineed to hook my child up with the Defense Department.Mitchell Symons, That Book: . . . of PerfectlyUseless Information (HarperCollins, 2004).132FACT : Your body produces enoughsaliva during your lifetime to filltwo swimming pools. Luckily,most swimming pools are alreadyfilled with saliva, so yours isn’tneeded.
  • 104. Mary M. Bauer, The Truth About You: Things YouDon’t Know You Know (VanderWyk & Burnham,2006).133FACT : An “Extreme Gulp” drink sold at 7-11 conveniencestores has twice as much liquid as the average humanstomach can hold. Which is why no one holds it.And why Isit on the end of the rowat the movies.James Bevan, Handbook of Anatomy andPhysiology (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1978) 45.Peter Strupp and Alan Dingman, Fat, Dumb, andUgly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon &Schuster, 2004).134FACT : The human liver performs no fewer than 500different functions. If a portion of it were removed, theliver would continue to work and would rapidly grow back toits normal size. Well, depending on the size of the portion.Don’t go lopping off huge chunks of your liver to giveaway, okay?
  • 105. Mary M. Bauer, The Truth About You: Things YouDon’t Know You Know (VanderWyk &Burnham,2006).135FACT : The average human swallows about a quart ofsnot every day. What’s really cool is when you can hearpeople sucking it out of their sinuses and swallowing. Ilove that sound, especially in restaurants.“Grossology Gross Facts,” Denver Museum ofNatural Science, : Seventy percent of people admit to picking theirnose; 30 percent of those confess to eating what theypicked. 100 percent of people admit to puking when theyread that.“Grossology Gross Facts,” Denver Museum ofNatural Science,
  • 106. FACT : People who live in big cities makemore ear wax. Ah, okay. No wonder bigcity folks never stop when I try to ask themfor directions. They can’t hear me. Whew! Iwas starting to think maybe they were justassholes.“Grossology Gross Facts,” Denver Museum ofNatural Science, : Believe it or not, fresh urine iscleaner than saliva or your facial skin.Healthy urine is sterile and contains little orno bacteria when it leaves your body.Being cleaner than spit isn’t really abragging point.“Grossology Gross Facts,” Denver Museum ofNatural Science,
  • 107. “Bacteria in Urine, No Symptoms,” University OfMichigan Health System, : Research suggests that marital discord makeswounds heal more slowly. A recent study showed thatcouples with consistently hostile behaviors healed at a 40percent slower rate than low-hostility couples. Whichmeans you’re gonna have that shoe mark on yourforehead for a while, bud.J.K. Kiecolt-Glase, “Hostile Marital Interactions,Proinflam-matory Cytokine Production, and WoundHealing,” Archives of General Psychiatry, December2005, http://.archpsyc : Goose bumps are caused by piloerection, a fight-or-flight reflex that once made us seem bigger topredators and kept us warm by making our hair standstraight up. We lost the fur in evolution, but not the reflex.And I’m okay with that. If I get cold, I’d rather put on asweater than be a sweater.
  • 108. Mitchell Symons, That Book: . . . of PerfectlyUseless Information (HarperCollins, 2004).“What causes goose bumps?” Advice, Mens Health, : The average human loses 85,000 brain cells eachday, but only regenerates 50 new ones. Which is a lot likemy 401(k)— except for the regenerating part.”Statistically Speaking: Brains Made To Order,”Popular Science, September 2005.142FACT : Babies are born withoutkneecaps—sort of. They havecartilage in their kneecaps whichdoes not ossify into bone until 3–5 years of age. This explains why
  • 109. infants are notorious gamblers.They don’t have to worry abouthaving their kneecaps broken ifthey don’t pay their bookies.Noel Botham, The Ultimate Book of UselessInformation: A Few Thousand More Things You MightNeed to Know (But Probably Don’t) (Perigee, 2007).Tom Scheve, “Do Babies Have Kneecaps?”, : Your nose can remember 50,000 differentscents. So, unlike a dog, once you sniff someone’scrotch, you’ll remember the smell and won’t have to sniffthem again later. That’s a good thing, because stickingyour nose in someone’s crotch is a good way to get thrownout of a bar, trust me.“Sixteen Unusual Facts About The Human Body,”,
  • 110. 144FACT : About i in 2,000 babies is born with teeth. If theteeth are membranous, they will be reabsorbed into thebody. If fixed firmly, don’t remove them, or no other teeth willreappear in their place until the permanent teeth start tocome in at age six or seven. It’s easy to spot a baby withteeth. He’s the one drinking from a bottle instead ofbreastfeeding.Adele Pillitteri. Maternal & Child Health Nursing:Care of the Childbearing & Childrearing Family, 5thed. (Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, 2006).145FACT : The occurrence of Type 2 Diabetes in children,once unheard of, has risen 45 percent in this country in thelast ten years, largely due to soaring obesity rates amongour kids. Too bad they don’t let kids play dodgeball inschool anymore. They’d have a lot more targets thanwhen I was a kid.Katherine Robertson, “Is Your Child a HealthStatistic? 4 Scary Facts, 8 Real Solutions, ” GaiamLife,
  • 111. “Diabetes Rates Are Increasing Among Youth, ” NIHNews, National Institutes Of Health, November 13,2007, : Diagnoses of AttentionDeficit/Hyperactivity Disorder(AD/HD) have risen by 9 millionnew cases in the last ten years,and the condition now affects 4–12 percent of American children.Researchers also discovered tha—hey, look, a seagull!Katherine Robertson, “Is Your Child a HealthStatistic? 4 Scary Facts, 8 Real Solutions,” GaiamLife, Clayton, “Who’s to blame for the rise inA D /HD ?”, September 8, 2004,
  • 112. : Copremesis, or fecal vomiting, is not a myth: abowel obstruction can cause feces to be drawn intothe stomach from the intestine by spasmodic contractionsof the gastric muscles, which the stomach then attempts toexpel through vomiting. That explains some people’sbreath.“Fecal Vomiting,” Dorland’s Medical Dictionary,“Fecal Vomiting,” Medical Dictionary,“Fecal Vomiting,” Poop Report,
  • 113. 148FACT : Smegma is a white, foul-smelling, cheese-likesecretion sometimes found under the foreskin in males andaround the clitoris in females. Smegma is produced bybody oils and the bacteria that feed on them. Somestudies have suggested a link between smegma and penileand cervical cancer. You had me at “cheese-like.”“What is smegma?” Net DoctorUK,“Teen Talk: Smegma,” Planned Parenthood,“What are the risk factors for penile cancer?”, : A person can live without eating for weeks, but willonly survive eleven days without sleep. People aroundthose who haven’t slept, however, will only survive a day ortwo.
  • 114. “Sixteen Unusual Facts About The Human Body,”How Stuff Works, : The human brain stops growing at the age ofeighteen. Probably because most eighteen-year-oldsknow everything by then. If you don’t believe me, askthem.Facts Library,,
  • 115. CHAPTER 4Was ItBad forYou, Too?Everything YouNever Wanted toKnow about Sexand Love
  • 116. 151FACT : Up to 20 percent of Americanshave genital herpes, which has no cureand is easily transmitted through sexualcontact. Genital herpes: the gift that keepson giving.“Genital Herpes—CDC Fact Sheet,” Centers forDisease Control and Prevention, Division of STDPrevention, National Center for HIV/AIDS, ViralHepatitis, STD, and TB Prevention, January 4, 2008, : Of people who use datingpersonal ads, 35 percent aremarried. Hey, we all forget thingssometimes.Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,
  • 117. and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).153FACT : Two out of three middle class nineteen-year-oldmales confess to having gotten a date drunk to coerce herinto having sex. Two out of five have used verbalintimidation, and almost one in five have used force orthreats. Nearly 60 percent of female college students saythat they have had intercourse against their will. The rest ofus just worked the pity angle. Tears are surprisinglyeffective at getting a girl in bed.Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).154FACT : Only 15 percent of sexually active adults havebeen tested for HIV, says the National Center for HealthStatistics. The other 85 percent are certain they don’t haveit. No, really, there’s no way they could possibly have it, sowhy bother with that annoying condom?Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).
  • 118. 155FACT : 12 percent of men surveyed say they would not tella partner if they were HIV-positive. At least not until afterthey’ve had sex. That would just kill the mood.Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).156FACT : Eight percent of people admit to having sex witha cousin, and six percent confess to doing it with a siblingor half-sibling. Hard to say what’s more troubling: the factthat they do it or that they admit it.Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).157FACT : Two out of three men saythey would have sex for cash,and 16 percent of them would do
  • 119. it for $150 or less. The third guyis lying.Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).158FACT : In an international survey, 14 percent of peopleadmit to having slept with a friend’s lover behind his (orher) back. The trick is to be very quiet and pray he doesn’troll over.Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).
  • 120. 159FACT : Erectile dysfunction (ED)affects approximately 18 millionAmerican men. If my name wereEd, I’d be pissed that they callthis ED. Especially if I had it.“Natural Viagra? ‘Horny Goat Weed’ ShowsPromise In Lab Studies,” Medical News Today,September 25, 2008, : Although the penis is not a bone, it can still befractured. A fracture can occur when the erect penisendures blunt trauma during sexual intercourse or otherphysical activity. A cracking sound can be heard, followedby pain and swelling that causes the shape of the penis tobecome distorted. Surgery is often required to repair thedamage. Every man reading this just clenched his legstogether.Klemen Jagodič and others, “A Case of PenileFracture with Complete Urethral Disruption during
  • 121. Sexual Intercourse: A Case Report,” Journal ofMedical Case Reports, May 2, 2007, : One study reports that autoerotic asphyxia, orcutting off oxygen to the brain to achieve greater sexualsatisfaction, claims the lives of 500–1,000 men in thiscountry each year. Would someone please tell these guysthat “choking the chicken”is just an expression?Simon LeVay, PhD, “The Science of Sex:Breathless,” October 31, 2000, : Some women are allergic to their male partner’ssemen, a condition known as human seminal plasmahypersensitivity. Sufferers complain of symptoms such aswheezing, itching, hives, swelling, chest tightness, vomiting,and diarrhea. Severe reactions can cause loss ofconsciousness and even death from anaphylactic shock.God, don’t tell my wife about this condition. She’s justlooking for an excuse.Charles Downey, “Could You Be Allergic to Sex?,”
  • 122. Swedish Medical Center, May 13, 2008,www.swedish.org163FACT : We’ve all heard the jokes, but sexual headachesare a real illness that affects about one in 100 people,either as a dull ache in the neck and head that builds withsexual excitement, or as a sudden and/or severe headacheduring orgasm. Don’t tell my wife about this one, either.Mayo Clinic Staff, “Sex Headaches,” MayoFoundation for Medical Education and Research,Feb. 21, 2008, : Yeast infections aren’t just a problem for women;men can get them, too, as a result of prolonged antibioticuse, diabetes, an impaired immune system, or, in rarecases, from unprotected sex with a partner who has a yeastinfection. But men already scratch their junk all the time,so no big deal.Michael A. Sommers, Yeast Infections,Trichomoniasis, and Toxic Shock Syndrome (RosenPublishing Group, 2007).
  • 123. “Male Yeast Infections,” Mayo Clinic, : Overweight men are more likely to have poorsemen quality. But fat guy sperm are jovial andmischievous, and always good for a laugh.Associated Press, “Another Reason to Watch YourWaist: Bad Sperm,”, July 9, 2008, : The FDA estimates that 4 to 5 million men sufferfrom low testosterone, but that only 5 percent of them seektreatment. Testosterone production declines naturally withage, and at least one study suggests that the condition canshorten a man’s life span. Yeah, well, what’s the point ofliving without a sex drive?Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).
  • 124. 167FACT : Andropause, a male formof menopause, can affect menover forty. The condition, whichcan affect mood, memory, andoverall health, is marked by adecline in testosteroneproduction, as well as fatigue,depression, and sexual problems.Some call these conditions “beingover forty.”Bernice Kanner, Are You Normal about Sex, Love,and Relationships? (Macmillan, 2004).“Low Testosterone Could Kill You,” ABC News,June 6, 2007,
  • 125. Eric R. Braverman, Younger You: Unlock the HiddenPower of Your Brain to Look and Feel 15 YearsYounger (McGraw-Hill Professional, 2006).“Male Menopause,” Cleveland Clinic, : Some men can experience retrograde ejaculation,or “dry orgasms,” when semen travels backwards intothe bladder instead of being expelled. The illness can becongenital, or caused by medications, diabetes, ordamage to nerves and muscles that control the opening ofthe bladder. It isn’t harmful, but it can cause male infertility.You’d think that any orgasm would be good. You’d bewrong.“Richard D. McAnulty and M. Michele Burnette, Sexand Sexuality: Sexual Function and Dysfunction(Greenwood Publishing Group, 2006).“Retrograde Ejaculation,” Mayo Clinic,
  • 126. 169FACT : Sexual dysfunction, which includes erectiledysfunction, premature ejaculation, dyspareu-nia (vaginalpain during intercourse), low sexual desire, and otherconditions, occurs in 31 percent of men and 43 percentof women. Men, if you experience vaginal pain duringintercourse, talk to your gynecologist. Or a shrink.Glen O. Gabbard, Judith S. Beck and JeremyHolmes, Oxford Textbook of Psychotherapy (OxfordUniversity Press, 2007).170FACT : Premature ejaculation is the most commonlyreported sexual dysfunction in men, affecting one infive. Some researchers attribute the problem to unhealthymasturbation habits and sexual insecurities. Don’t confusepremature ejaculation with premature evacuation—beingso nervous about sex that you crap yourself.Glen O. Gabbard, Judith S. Beck and JeremyHolmes, Oxford Textbook of Psychotherapy (OxfordUniversity Press, 2007).
  • 127. 171FACT : A recent study comparing the effectiveness of oralcontraceptives as they relate to body mass index (BMI)shows that obese or overweight women are up to 70percent more likely to experience contraceptionfailure and resulting pregnancy than women of averageweight. Fortunately, obese people start with the mosteffective contraceptive of all: obesity.Larissa R. Brunner Huber and Jessica L. Toth,“Obesity and Oral Contraceptive Failure: Findingsfrom the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth,”American Journal of Epidemiology, June 29, 2007, : Keeping a condom in your wallet is a bad idea.The constant friction and temperature changes can createmicroscopic tears in the condom that allow sperm to getthrough. No one who carries a condom in his wallet shouldbe procreating anyway, at least not until he finishes highschool.David Zieve, Greg Juhn, and David R. Eltz,“Condoms,” Med-line Plus, U.S. National Library ofMedicine, February 19, 2008,
  • 128. 173FACT : The sudden appearance of a sexually transmitteddisease (STD) in a monogamous couple does notnecessarily indicate infidelity by either partner. Someinfections can lie dormant for years after initial exposure.That’s what I told my wife right before she hit me. I guessshe wasn’t convinced.Lois White and Gena Duncan, Medical-SurgicalNursing: An Integrated Approach, 2nd ed. (CengageLearning, 2002).174FACT : Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS) is amedical condition where a woman experiences“spontaneous, intrusive and unwanted” feelings of arousalin the genital area without sexual desire. PSAS cancontinue for days or months, is not abated by sexualactivity, and causes distraction and psychological distressin sufferers. Congratulations, ladies. Now you know whatit’s like to be a man.Sandra Leiblum, “About PSAS,” Persistent SexualArousal Syndrome,
  • 129. “Medical Mystery: Persistent Sexual ArousalSyndrome.” ABC News, February 21, 2008, : Human males, like rats, moths, and butterflies, giveoff a scent that has a physiological and psychological effecton the opposite sex. Researchers discovered thatandrostadienone, a chemical found in male sweat, raiseslevels of the hormone cortisol in women, resulting inenhanced mood and sexual arousal. My wife does getpretty excited when she sees a moth.“Male sweat boosts women’s hormone levels,”, February 7, 2007, : According to one researcher,women have a higher likelihoodthan men to settle for a
  • 130. mediocre sex life and unmetemotional needs. Most keeptheir dissatisfaction a secret fromtheir partners, often due to a fearof emotional hurt orabandonment. Mediocre sex isbetter than no sex at all, isn’t it?That’s what I tell my wife.Jeanna Bryner, “Women Settle for Mediocre Sex,Scientist Finds,” LiveScience, AOL Health, February14, 2007, : A study reveals that a cluster of genes linked toreproduction could predict the likelihood that a womanwill cheat on her mate. In a survey of romantically involvedcouples, women whose major histocompatibility complex(MHC) genes were similar to those of their mates reporteddecreased attraction to those partners. See, West Virginia,nature doesn’t want you to be turned on by your relatives.
  • 131. Jeanna Bryner, “Genetic Test Could Reveal ACheating Heart,” LiveScience, AOL Health, February13, 2007, : Use of an oral contraceptive might affect awoman’s ability to sniff out a partner. In a study wherewomen were asked to sniff men’s sweaty shirts, those onthe pill typically chose odors that were genetically similarto their own as being the most attractive. Human beingsare inclined to go for genetically dissimilar mates.Obviously, this doesn’t apply to those people whoadmitted having sex with their cousins.Jeanna Bryner, “Genetic Test Could Reveal ACheating Heart,” LiveScience, AOL Health, February13, 2007,“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent,September 13, 2008, : Several traditional herbs are being studied for theiraphrodisiac properties, including yohimbe, tribulus, and
  • 132. maca. Combinations of these are sold as “natural Viagra,”but be wary: their effectiveness is unproven, and some,like yohimbe, a type of tree bark, can be lethal if consumedin large quantities. Tree bark? Dude—spring for theViagra.“Top 10 Aphrodisiacs,” LiveScience, AOL Health, : The average size of an erect penis is fiveinches, while the average flaccid penis is three and a halfinches. Drugs and devices advertised to increase penissize are dismissed as scams. But you can’t blame a guywith a three-inch dong for trying.Rob Baedeker, “Sex: Fact And Fiction,” WebMD, : While a penis pump can be an effective treatmentfor erectile dysfunction, a pump will not permanentlyincrease the size of your organ. In fact, a penis pump cancause numbness and permanent damage if improperlyused. If I were a penis pump manufacturer, I’d try to use
  • 133. the hit song, “Pump Up The Jam,” in my commercials,except I’d change it to “Pump Up The Ham.” I think thatwould be memorable and sell a lot of pumps.“Penis Pumps for Erectile Dysfunction: Improve YourSexual Function,” Mayo Clinic, : Homosexuality stayed on the list of mentalillnesses of the American Psychiatric Association until1 9 7 3 . As did witchcraft, hysteria, alcoholism, left-handedness, drapetomania, and demonic possession.Turns out the list had not been updated since ’57. 1857.Robert E. Hales and others, The AmericanPsychiatric Publishing Textbook of Psychiatry, 5th ed.(American Psychiatric Publishing, 2008).183FACT : During World War I, the French recorded morethan 1 million cases of syphilis and gonorrhea, and theBritish suffered a loss of 23,000 men on average for seven-week hospital stays due to STDs. Well, the French areknown as lovers. I’m not sure what got into the British.
  • 134. Allan M. Brandt, No Magic Bullet:A Social History ofVenereal Disease in the United States Since 1880(Oxford University Press, 1987).184FACT : The average U.S. male’ssperm count has declined 30percent in the last threedecades. I blame global warming.Or scrotal warming. I’m sure theyare related. I should ask Al Gore.John Robbins, Diet for a New America: How YourFood Choices Affect Your Health, Happiness, andthe Future of Life on Earth, 2nd ed. (H J Kramer,1998).185FACT : The sale of sex toys and vibrators is banned inAlabama and Mississippi. Good call. We don’t reallywant to encourage sexual activity in those states, as it
  • 135. could lead to procreation.Associated Press, “Appeals Court Overturns TexasBan on Sex Toys,”, February 13, 2008, : Though treatable today through medicaladvancements, impotence has been consideredgrounds for divorce in many different cultures forcenturies. Can you really call a bunch of dudes sittingaround playing music and singing about howmuch theylove their Viagra a medical advancement? Or the guy whocan’t stop smiling because he always has a boner?Angus McLaren, Impotence: A Cultural History(University of Chicago Press, 2007).187FACT : “Beer goggles” aren’t just amyth: People do appear moreattractive after a few drinks,
  • 136. according to researchers at theUniversity of Bristol in England.Students who had consumedalcohol rated pictures of peopletheir own age as being moreattractive than did participantswho had no alcohol. Booze:helping ugly people get laid sincethe dawn of time.“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent,September 13, 2008, : Wearing too much makeup can mask the scentthat attracts men to women during ovulation.An experiment found that a woman’s armpit scent was at itsmost attractive to men between the end of her cycle andovulation, but that this smell is easily obscured bycosmetics. Trying to describe when an armpit scent is atits most attractive is like trying to say when vomit is at its
  • 137. tastiest.“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent,September 13, 2008, : Not all people are attracted to other humans. Thereare believed to be around forty objectum sexuals in theworld who feel attraction, arousal, love, and evencommitment for an object instead of another person.Swede Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, for example, has been“married” to the Berlin Wall since 1979. Nobody has theheart to tell her they tore it down.“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent,September 13, 2008, : According to a study in Wales,sexual activity seems to have apreventative affect on male health. Inseveral southern Welsh villages, risk formortality was 50 percent lower for men
  • 138. with higher frequency of orgasm. I’m tellingmy wife about this.“Sex and Death: Are They Related? Findings fromthe Caerphilly Cohort Study,” BMJ, December 20,1997, : In his landmark sex studies, researcher AlfredKinsey found that 26 percent of women had engaged inextramarital sex by their forties, and that as many as onein six women aged twenty-six to fifty were engaged inextramarital sex at any given time. Many of them withKinsey himself.“Data from Alfred Kinsey’s Studies,” The KinseyInstitute for Research in Sex, Gender, andReproduction, Inc., : Kinsey also estimated that half of all marriedmales engaged in extramarital sex during their marriages.Kinsey didn’t say which half had extramarital sex, but I’mguessing it was from the waist down.
  • 139. “Data from Alfred Kinsey’s Studies,” The KinseyInstitute for Research in Sex, Gender, andReproduction, Inc., : Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is thehabit of masturbating in a face-down position against abed or floor, which puts excessive pressure on the penis,and can interfere with sexual relations. The most commonproblems TMS sufferers have are inorgasmia—inability toreach orgasm during intercourse—or delayed orgasm.Many TMS sufferers also experience erectile dysfunction.TMI.“Facts about Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome,”Healthy Strokes, : Many popular antidepressants, particularlyselective serotonin reuptake inhibitor medications likeZoloft, Prozac, and Paxil, can lower libido and preventorgasm. But then, depression isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac.“Can Antidepressants Affect Orgasm?” Ask Dr.Laura Berman, Everyday Health,
  • 140. www.everydayhealth.com195FACT : More than half of the women surveyed by ShereHite in 1994 admitted faking orgasm, while fewer thanhalf reported being brought to orgasm by a male partnerthrough intercourse. I have no problems with a fakeorgasm as long she sells it.“Eleven Key Things About Orgasms,” The Observer,February 11, 2001, : Masturbation was considered a sin in the late1800s and early 1900s. Before the 1960s, excessivemasturbation was thought to be a mental condition, afixation on immature or undesirable behavior that led toadult sexual dysfunction. It’s probably still a sin, but nobodycares anymore.“Masturbation: Techniques and Tips For Men AndWomen,” Sexual Health Resource,
  • 141. 197FACT : The most common sexually transmitted infection isgenital human papillomavirus, also known as HPV. About20 million Americans are presently infected with HPV,with 6.2 million more becoming infected every year. At leasthalf of sexually active men and women will acquire theinfection in their lifetime. I was getting worried until I read“sexually active.”I’m safe.“Sexually Transmitted Diseases: HPV,” Centers ForDisease Control And Prevention, : On any given day, about 400million people across theg l o b e will have sexualintercourse, which means thatabout 4,000 people are probablyhaving sex right now. Sadly, I amnot one of them. Don’t laugh—neither are you.
  • 142. “Ten Strange Sex Facts,” Seduction Labs, : The sexually transmitted disease chlamydia iscaused by the bacterium Chlamydia trachomatis.Symptoms of chlamydia are usually mild, but serious casescan lead to irrevocable damage to the reproductive organs,chronic pelvic pain, and infertility, without a woman everrecognizing the problem. That’s two more votes formasturbation.“Sexually Transmitted Diseases: HPV,” Centers ForDisease Control And Prevention, : As much as 6 percent of the world’s population—more than 400 million people—suffer from addiction to sex.Probably the same 400 million who got it on today.“Sex Addiction,”,
  • 143. CHAPTER 5Will YouSurvive the9-to-5?More Reasons toHate Your Job,Your Boss, and YourIdiot Coworkers
  • 144. 201FACT : Office desks have 400 times more bacteria thantoilet seats. So, be safe and eat your lunch on a toiletinstead of at your desk.“Average Desk Harbors 400 Times More BacteriaThan Average Toilet Seat,”, March 31, 2002, : Telephones carry the most germs in an office,followed by desks, microwave door handles, water fountainhandles and computer keyboards. You know what, justmove your entire office to the bathroom.“Average Desk Harbors 400 Times More BacteriaThan Average Toilet Seat,”, March 31, 2002, : The place where you rest your hands on your desk
  • 145. is home to 10 million bacteria at any given time. Well, notanymore.Seven million of them just moved to your hand.“Average Desk Harbors 400 Times More BacteriaThan Average Toilet Seat,”, March 31, 2002, : In a 2008 report, the AFL-CIO claimed thatregulatory activity at the Occupational Safety and HealthAdministration (OSHA) ground to a halt during theBush Administration, with dozens of OSHA and MineSafety and Health Administration (MSHA) standards pulledfrom the regulatory agenda.“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congressof Industrial Organizations, : The 2008 AFL-CIO report also claimed that newworkplace hazards such as pandemic flu andbioterrorist threats aren’t adequately addressed by
  • 146. government labor policies. What? The BushAdministration put the interests of big business ahead ofthe needs of the American worker? No way!“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congressof Industrial Organizations, : At its current understaffed levels, it would take theOccupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA)133 years to inspect each of the workplaces in itsjurisdiction just once. That’s 133 years per staff member,so 266 years total.“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congressof Industrial Organizations, : In 2006, over 11,000workers were made ill or injuredon the job every day. Working
  • 147. every day makes me ill, too.“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor— Congressof Industrial Organizations, : An estimated 50,000 to 60,000 workers die everyyear from occupation-related diseases. Is not giving a shitconsidered an occupation-related disease? Because thataffects a lot more than 60,000, I bet.“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congressof Industrial Organizations,
  • 148. 209FACT : Work-related stress can beas damaging to health ascigarette smoking. But if youhandle that stress with a smokebreak, they cancel each otherout.Natalie J. Jordet and Erica Lumiere, “Is Job StressMaking You Sick?,” Marie Claire, : Workplace stress is a near epidemic in the United
  • 149. States, thanks largely to a struggling economy andcorporate downsizing. A recent survey recorded half ofrespondents feeling too much pressure at work. Youwant pressure? Try writing 1,001 jokes.Natalie J. Jordet and Erica Lumiere, “Is Job StressMaking You Sick?,” Marie Claire, : The chronic stress of a high-pressure job has beenshown to double the risk of a heart attack.Chronic stress may also result in alcoholism, hypertension,and severe depression, and can make your joints ache,your hair fall out, and even stop your period. So that balddrunk lady at work who’s always crying and giving awayher tampons? Give her a break; she’s under a lot ofstress.Natalie J. Jordet and Erica Lumiere, “Is Job StressMaking You Sick?,” Marie Claire, : About 1.7 million workplace violence incidents
  • 150. occur in the U.S. every year. 18,700 of them are committedby the victim’s intimate partner. Don’t forget:Friday is Bring Your Batterer To Work Day!“Domestic Violence in the Workplace Statistics,”American Institute on Domestic Violence, : An estimated 1 million workers are assaulted onthe job every year in the United States. I knowat least ninepeople I’d like to add to that total.Barbara Kate Repa, Your Rights in the Workplace,8th ed. (Nolo, 2007).214FACT : The U.S. Postal Service reported 500 cases ofemployees being violent toward supervisors in a recentspan of just eighteen months, and an additional 200cases of supervisors being violent toward employees inthat same period. Where do you think the term “goingpostal”came from?Barbara Kate Repa, Your Rights in the Workplace,
  • 151. 8th ed. (Nolo, 2007).215FACT : InAugust 1986, U.S. Postal Service worker PatrickHenry Sherrill—or “Crazy Pat,” as he was called—shotand killed 14 coworkers in the Edmond, Oklahoma postoffice where he was employed, including a supervisor whohad criticized his work. Hmm, I wonder why they calledhim “Crazy Pat.”Jacob V. Lamar Jr., “‘Crazy Pat’s’ Revenge,” Time,June 24, 2001, Montaldo, “It’s Official: ‘Going Postal’ IsEpidemic,”, : In 1976, the typical CEO earnedthirty-six times the salary of his averageworker. Today, the average CEO makes369 times what an average worker makes.
  • 152. Both of them are unemployed now, and369 times zero is zero.Steven Greenhouse, The Big Squeeze: ToughTimes for the American Worker (Random House,2008).217FACT : There were over 600workplace homicides in thiscountry in 2007. I wonder howmany of those were CEOs.Steven Greenhouse, The Big Squeeze: ToughTimes for the American Worker (Random House,2008).“TED: The Editor’s Desk: Workplace Homicides in2007,” Bureau of Labor Statistics, August 26, 2008,
  • 153. 218FACT : One study suggests that Californians are morelikely to be murdered at work than in a motor vehicleaccident while commuting to work. Some Californiansprobably wouldn’t mind being murdered during theircommute.Barbara Kate Repa, Your Rights in the Workplace,8th ed. (Nolo, 2007).219FACT : Fatalities at construction sites are most frequentlycaused by falls, accounting for one–third of construction-related deaths each year. The Bureau of Labor Statisticsreports no fewer than 442 construction workers werekilled by accidental falls on the job in 2007. As opposedto intentional falls.“I’m bored. I’m gonna do some falls. Be back in ten.”“Preventing Fatal Falls in Construction,”Occupational Safety & Health Administrations, U.S.Department of Labor, September 25, 2008,
  • 154. FACT : Almost 6,000 Americans—about seventeen per day—suffered fatal injuries on the job in2006. Some people will doanything to get out of work.Tyche Hendricks, “Workplace Deaths Rise inCalifornia, Nation,” San Francisco Chronicle, April29, 2008, : Falling from the roof is a specific concern atconstruction sites. Roof falls were the most prevalenttype of deadly falls in 2007, and resulted in 686 fatalitiesfrom 2003 to 2007. Because of this, the Department ofLabor recommends that construction workers avoid fallingaccidentally, especially from roofs.
  • 155. “Preventing Fatal Falls in Construction,”Occupational Safety & Health Administrations, U.S.Department of Labor, September 25, 2008, : A 2006 government study named agriculture,forestry, fishing and hunting as the most dangerousoccupations in the United States, with an average of 30deaths each per 100,000 workers. After a coworker wenton a murderous rampage, Melvin quit his office job andbecame a farmer—then ran himself over with a combineand died a week later.Tyche Hendricks, “Workplace Deaths Rise inCalifornia, Nation,” San Francisco Chronicle, April29, 2008, : In 2007, a laundry employee at Cintas Corp. inOklahoma was killed when he fell into an industrial dryerwhile attempting to free a wad of clothes that had jammed aconveyor belt. On a happier note, he did manage to freethe clothes, saving the company about $35.
  • 156. Tyche Hendricks, “Workplace Deaths Rise inCalifornia, Nation,” San Francisco Chronicle, April29, 2008, : In its 2008 Death on the JobReport, the AFL-CIO rankedcommercial fishing as theoccupation with the highestfatality rate, with almost 150deaths on the job per 100,000workers. The fatality rate for thefish is even higher.“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor— Congressof Industrial Organizations,
  • 157. 225FACT : In a 2004 survey, 17 percent of men said they hadbeen sexually harassed on the job, but 60 percent ofthem did nothing about it. Those 60 percent are the oneswho liked it.“Interoffice Romance Survey,”, August12, 2004,“Sexual Harassment In The Workplace,” SexualHarassment Support, : On January 2, 2006, a coal mine exploded inSago, West Virginia, trapping thirteen miners for nearlytwo days. All but one of the miners died. A series ofsubsequent mine disasters in 2006 claimed forty-sevenmore lives. Mine disasters, not mime disasters. Sorry.Disappointing, I know.“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congress
  • 158. of Industrial Organizations website, : Workplace injuries come at a high cost toemployers. According to a 2007 Workplace Safety Indexfrom Liberty Mutual Insurance, the most disabling injuriescost U.S. employers over $48.3 billion in workers’compensation claims. But don’t worry, I’m sure they won’tpass on those costs to customers.“Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll ofNeglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congressof Industrial Organizations, : In Japan, suicide resulting from overwork, orkarojisatsu, is an officially recognized andcompensated occupational hazard. By someestimates, 5 percent of all suicides in Japan are “companyrelated.” “Where’s Hiro? He’s supposed to lead thismeeting.”“He killed himself, sir.”“Ah, dedication. I like it.Give him a raise.”“Crying shame,” Hazards Magazine, January-March2008,
  • 159. 229FACT : From 2001 to 2002, Japan saw a record 690claims of karoshi—death by overwork. Of these, 143 wereconfirmed cases: 96 from stroke and 47 from suddenheart attack. The numbers were even higher in 2003, with819 claims, 160 of which were compensated. That means659 claims—80 percent—were rejected. TheAmericanization of Japan is complete.Rory O’Neill, “Drop Dead,” Hazards Magazine, July–September 2003, : Claims of karoshi jumped after Japan modified arule to include the effects of cumulative fatigue. A workerwho dies after routinely working eighty or moreovertime hours a month is now eligible to be considereda case of karoshi. If I had to work eighty or more overtimehours a month, I would welcome death.Rory O’Neill, “Drop Dead,” Hazards Magazine, July–September 2003,
  • 160. 231FACT : China also has a word for death by overwork:guolaosi. Named after that hardworking American actor,Bela Guolaosi.Rory O’Neill, “Drop Dead,” Hazards Magazine, July–September 2003, : A study published in 2002 concludes that workerswho perform meaningless work with minimal chance forinput were at higher risk of dying young. In other words,everyone but CEOs and a fewVPs.Rory O’Neill, “Drop Dead,” Hazards Magazine, July–September 2003, : A report by the American Journal of Epidemiologystates that long-term strain on the job is more harmful forthe heart than aging thirty years or gaining forty pounds.And not nearly as fun. I’ll take the forty pounds instead.Pass the biscuits.Paul A. Landsbergis and others, “Life-Course
  • 161. Exposure to Job Strain and Ambulatory BloodPressure in Men,” American Journal ofEpidemiology, June 2003, O’Neill, “Drop Dead,” Hazards Magazine, July–September 2003, : Workplace homicide can happen anywhere. In2007, the frequency of on-the-job murders involvingpolice officers and supervisors of retail sales workers bothincreased significantly. I worked in retail once, but it wasthe customers, not the supervisors, that I wanted to kill.Wait—no, I wanted to kill them both.“TED: The Editor’s Desk: Workplace homicides in2007,” Bureau of Labor Statistics, August 26, : A 2003 UK study shows thatworking for an unfair or
  • 162. unreasonable boss can result indangerously high bloodpressure. It can also result in adangerously high likelihood thatsomeone will bring a gun to workand cap his ass.Rory O’Neill, “Drop Dead,” Hazards Magazine, July–September 2003, : In 2003, 1,400 government employees in Indiacommitted suicide or died from starvation.They had not been paid in more than a decade. The stateofficials responsible were charged with theft, reportedlyusing employee funds for lavish foreign trips. So impatient.They couldn’t wait one more day for their paychecks?Agence France-Presse, “World Briefing | Asia:India: Inquiry Into Deaths Of Government Workers,”New York Times, November 14, 2003,
  • 163. 237FACT : In a 2004 poll, 12 percent of respondentsconfessed to having sex in the workplace, while another10 percent said they fantasized about it. Jack and Elaineoften worked late, leveraging each other’s assets andpumping up the bottom line.“Poll: American Sex Survey: A Peek Beneath TheSheets,” ABC News, October 21, 2004, : Researchers concluded in a 2008 study thatbullying at work, such as persistent criticism of work,belittling comments, and withholding resources, is moreharmful to employees than sexual harassment.Belittling comments, persistent criticism and withholding“resources”? Sounds more like marriage than theworkplace.M. Sandy Hershcovis and Julian Barling, “BullyingMore Harmful Than Sexual Harassment On The Job,Say Researchers,” ScienceDaily, March 9, 2008,
  • 164. 239FACT : Layoffs and a sluggish economy are contributing tofrequent outbreaks of “desk rage” in America, withemployees arguing and breaking down under pressure.Ten percent of Americans work in places where physicalviolence occurs because of stress, and 42 percent saythat verbal abuse and yelling occurs in the workplace. Theeconomy is slowing? I hadn’t noticed.“‘Desk Rage’ on the Rise,” HR Business and LegalReports, December 14, 2001, : Workplace bullying affects25 to 30 percent of employeesat some time during their careers.Instead of lunch money, theytake your parking spot.Jeanna Bryner, “Strange News, Study: Office BulliesCreate Workplace ‘Warzone’,” LiveScience, October
  • 165. 31, 2006, : In March 2009, a Louisiana high-school teacherwas arrested for obscenity after three students and anotherteacher witnessed him masturbating in a classroom. Iguess he hadn’t heard: spanking in schools was outlawedyears ago.“Higgins Teacher Arrested For Obscenity,”, March 20, 2009, : A NewYork Times study of rampage killings foundthat although most perpetrators of workplace massacresmade specific threats or exhibited clear warning signs,these warnings were ignored or dismissed. Office
  • 166. Droid i: “Someone left a decapitated animal head on mydesk.” Office Droid 2: “Really? Somebody wrote ‘DIE’ inblood on my office door.” Office Droid 1: “Hmm, weird.Hey, wanna go get a smoothie?”Office Droid 2: “Sure!”Katherine M. Ramsland, Inside The Minds Of MassMurderers: Why They Kill (Greenwood PublishingGroup, 2005).243FACT : In 2008, a factory worker in Henderson, Kentuckykilled his supervisor and six employees at the plant wherehe worked after getting into an argument about not usinghis cell phone on the assembly line and not wearingsafety goggles. The worker shot himself after therampage, but put on his goggles first, because sparks andgunpowder from a gun can injure your eyes.Eric Boehlert, “Rampage Nation: The Press NoLonger Cares About Epic Gun Violence,” WorkplaceViolence News, March 24, 2009,“Six Dead after Workers Argue,”, June 26,2008,
  • 167. 244FACT : Occupational fraud schemesare most commonly committed bythe accounting department orupper management. Executivefrauds are particularly costly,resulting in a median loss of$850,000. I know lots ofexecutive frauds. I’ve worked forseveral of them.“2008 Report to the Nation on Occupational Fraudand Abuse,” Association of Certified FraudExaminers, : Hourly wages for 80 percent of U.S. workers haverisen by just i percent after inflation since 1979. Hey, we
  • 168. got a raise!Steven Greenhouse, The Big Squeeze: ToughTimes for the American Worker (Random House,2008).246FACT : One out of three companies that go bankrupt eachyear do so as a result of employee theft.Almost 80 percent of workers admit that they have, orwould consider, stealing from their employers. If a fewfilched Post-It Notes and paper clips can drive a companyout of business, they probably weren’t going to last long,anyway.Nicole Jacoby, “Battling Workplace Theft,” CNNMoney, August 19, 1999, : Employees who steal rarely do so because ofneed. In one poll, almost half of respondents said theystole from their employer out of greed. Another 43percent did so out of vindictiveness or “to get even.” Geteven for what? You got a i percent raise!
  • 169. Nicole Jacoby, “Battling Workplace Theft,” CNNMoney, August 19, 1999, : In 2007, former hedge-fundtrader Andrew Tong filed suitagainst his supervisor at S.A.C.Capital Advisors in New York.The suit alleges that thesupervisor had forced Tong totake female hormones andwear women’s clothing to curbhis “aggressive male attitude sohe could become a moreobedient and detail-orientedplayer.” “Does this dress makeme look aggressive?”
  • 170. “The Top 20 Sexual-Harassment Cases of AllTime,” HR World, : A UK woman claims that she was fired from herjob in 2007 for chronic flatulence. The unnamed woman,who suffers from irritable bowel syndrome, says she wasfrequently harassed and taunted about her problem bycoworkers before being terminated. That really stinks.What a bunch of asses. There’s a happy ending, though:she found work at the gas company.Lucy Thornton, “Woman Fired Over Farting Claims,”Mirror., May 12, 2007,
  • 171. 250FACT : In 2005, two former gorillacaretakers requested over $1 million worthof damages in a wrongful termination andsexual discrimination suit against TheGorilla Foundation in Woodside, California.The suit claimed that the two women werepressured to comply with famed gorillaKoko’s alleged sign-language requestthat they display their breasts. Whenthey refused, the suit says, the two werefired. The fourteen-year-old sign-languageinterpreter was not named in the suit andkept his job.
  • 172. “The Top 20 Sexual-Harassment Cases of AllTime,” HR World,“Suit Says Gorilla Foundation Employees Urged ToUndress For Koko,”, March 11, 2005,
  • 173. CHAPTER 6We BeIllin’The SickeningTruth aboutYour Health
  • 174. 251FACT : Demodex mites, or follicle mites, live in humanskin. By some estimates, you have a colony of 1,000 to2,000 living in your skin right now. When you touchsomeone or share fabrics with them, you’re trading folliclemites. Unless you touch someone’s heart, in which caseyou don’t give them follicle mites, but a warm fuzzy feelinginside. It’s a figure of speech, you see.Yezid Gutiérrez, Diagnostic Pathology of ParasiticInfections with Clinical Correlations, 2nd ed. (OxfordUniversity Press, 2000).252FACT : Two of the most damaging human parasites arethe malaria-causing Plasmodium and the flatwormSchistosoma, which causes schistosomiasis, an illnessthat damages internal organs and can negatively impactcognitive development and growth in children. Damnplasmodium. I knew I should’ve gone with the LCDinstead. I bet those don’t give you malaria.“Parasite,” Microsoft Encarta Online Encyclopedia2008,
  • 175. “The Carter Center Schistoso-miasis ControlProgram,” The Carter Center, : Humans developschistosomiasis after contact withwater containing snails infectedby human waste. Snail larvaeinfiltrate the body and growinto adult worms up to half aninch long. They live in thebloodstream and can causeinflammation, organ enlargement,intestinal bleeding, bladdercancer, and death. I’ll take death.Thanks.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8
  • 176. Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009, : Approximately half the world’s population isinfected with large roundworms, hookworms, orwhipworms. A Columbia University parasitologist callsthem the “unholy trinity.” I prefer to think of them as theintestinal worm version of the Marx brothers: Groucho(roundworm), Harpo (hookworm), and Chico (whipworm).The tapeworm, a less common intestinal parasite, isZeppo, who didn’t always appear with the other three.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009, : Hookworms attack the lungs, where their larvaecause coughing and shortness of breath, and the smallintestine, where they suck blood from the intestinalwalls and cause abdominal pain and anemia. Nothing thata pack or two of unfiltered Kools can’t fix.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8
  • 177. Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009, : Approximately 740 million people worldwide areplagued with hookworm, according to the World HealthOrganization. They’re the pale ones coughing up larvaand bent double with stomach pain.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009, : Ascariasis is the most common worm-relatedinfection found in humans. Symptoms such as fever,shortness of breath, and wheezing result from roundwormlarvae infesting the lungs. The larvae then migrate to theintestines, where they grow to resemble foot-longearthworms. Once again, I will take death over a foot-long earthworm in my ass, thanks.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009,
  • 178. 258FACT : Ascariasis affects as manya s 1.5 billion peopleworldwide, causing 60,000deaths per year. The ones whodon’t die always have bait at theready if they want to fish.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009, : About 800 million people worldwide are infectedwith whipworm, which can cause diarrhea, weight loss, andanemia. In severe instances rectal prolapse can occur, in
  • 179. which the walls of the rectum protrude from the anus.You might know rectal prolapse by its colorful streetname: ass tulip.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009, : Unlike most parasitic worms that inhabit theintestines, lymphatic filariae live in the body’s lymphsystem, where they can cause swelling of the legs, arms,breasts, and, in men especially, the genitalia. More than120 million people worldwide are infected, a third ofthem disfigured by the condition. No man I know wouldobject to enlarged genitalia.Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” ScientificAmerican, February 5, 2009, : Every time your heart beats, it pumps a quarterof your blood to the head. Brain cells then process 20percent of the oxygen and food your blood contains.
  • 180. Conditions that disrupt circulation, such as heart disease,diabetes, and stroke appear to increase the chances ofdeveloping dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. It’s likegetting free sprinkles on your sundae. Except it’s a shitsundae, and the sprinkles are maggots.“Risk Factors,” Alzheimer’s Association, : Humans with failing kidneys can’t survive longwithout an organ transplant or dialysis, a process by whicha machine filters waste from the blood. Nitrogen in theform of urea builds up quickly in the blood and becomestoxic. Dialysis sounds fun. Another one for the bucket list.Constanza Villalba, “Ten Lessons Medicine CanLearn from Bears,” Scientific American, January 6,2009, : According to a researcher at the Michigan SinusCenter, you can stay healthy and combat allergy symptomsb y rinsing the nose with salt water. I’ve heard that acolonic is also good for you, but I won’t be doing that,
  • 181. either.“Twenty-five Things You Probably Didn’t KnowAbout Your Body and Health,” MSN Health, : Sickle cell disease is one of the most commongenetic illnesses in America. Researchers estimate that itplagues more than 70,000, and that over 2 million carrythe gene that could pass this affliction on to their children.And I used to bitch about getting my dad’s ugly feet.“What You Don’t Know About Sickle Cell Disease,”Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, : Jaundice is a common condition that occurs inabout 60 percent of newborn babies, but one that canindicate kernicterus, a devastating brain ailment. Ever hearthe Old West legend of Jaundiced Jake? Probably not—he was yella.“Most Parents Unaware of Possible Brain Damage
  • 182. from Untreated Jaundice,” Centers for DiseaseControl and Prevention, : Traumatic brain injury (TBI) is a serious healthproblem for people aged seventy-five and older, as theyhave the highest rates of TBIs and tend to recover moreslowly or die from their injuries. TBI symptoms aresubtle, and may not even appear until days or even weeksafter the injury occurs. The rate of TBI in America is stillTBD. Consider it TBA until further notice.“Help Seniors Live Better, Longer: Prevent BrainInjury,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, : Blowing your nose when you have a cold might feelgood, but it can actually worsen your condition. Blowinggenerates enormous pressure and propels mucusinto the sinuses, spreading viruses or bacteria andpotentially causing further infection. What’s the alternative?Just letting the snot run down your face?Anahad O’Connor, “The Claim: Never Blow Your
  • 183. Nose When You Have a Cold,” New York Times,February 9, 2009, : Bacteria can grow and divide every twentyminutes, turning one bacterial cell into 16 million in justeight hours. Bacteria sound a lot like trivia facts.Michael Stringer and C. Dennis, Chilled Foods: AComprehensive Guide, 2nd ed. (WoodheadPublishing, 2000).269FACT : Belly button lint is made up of clothing fibers,dead skin, and more. You should keep your navel cleanand dry to prevent infection from candida, a type of fungus.That’s why I call it navel jam. Lint doesn’t fully capture thevariety and complexity of the recipe.Perry Garfinkel, The Male Body: An Owner’sManual: The Ultimate Head-to-Toe Guide to StayingHealthy and Fit for Life (Rodale, 1996).
  • 184. 270FACT : Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a man’sinability to keep an erection long enough toperform sexual intercourse. As many as 80percent of men seventy-five and older haveerectile dysfunction, but the problem canoccur at any age. Causes include lung,liver, heart, or kidney disease; endocrinesystem disorders such as diabetes; sideeffects of antidepressants and othermedications; substance or alcohol abuse;and anxiety and depression. They shouldcall premature ejaculation “projectiledysfunction (PD),” just for the sake ofconsistency.
  • 185. “Erectile Dysfunction,” Mayo Clinic, : High heels are blamed by orthopedists for chronicback problems and postural difficulties. Wearing high-heelshoes regularly causes the tendon in the leg to shrink,making it painful to wear flat shoes. Some even blamehigh heels for problems with the internal organs inthe abdomen, since the distortion of posture pushes thepelvic region out of normal alignment. But they’re socomfortable.Robin Tolmach Lakoff and Raquel L. Scherr, FaceValue, the Politics of Beauty: The Politics of Beauty(Routledge, 1984).272FACT : Never share mascara, as this is the most commonway that people pass on eye infections likeconjunctivitis (pinkeye), which is highly contagious. I hopeThe Cure’s Robert Smith is reading this.Stephen W. Moore, H. Winter Griffith, and Kenneth
  • 186. Yoder, Complete Guide To Symptoms, Illness &Surgery (Perigee, 2006).273FACT : Up to 8 percent ofAmerican adults suffer fromtoenail fungus. Up to 100 percentof American adults suffer fromthe urge to hork when they seethe commercial where the littlecartoon fungus creature lifts up atoenail and climbs under it.”Impact 07—Dermatology,” Bay Bio, 2007, : A sneeze expels germ-filled droplets up to thirtyfeet. The water content of the droplets evaporates quickly,but thousands of virus cells remain suspended in the air
  • 187. and can infect others. This is why I like to sneeze inpeople’s hair. No germs are suspended in the air, plus it’sfun to watch the reactions, especially from strangers.Jana Balaram, Preventive and Social Medicine (B.Jain Publishers, 2002).275FACT : If you wear a ring, the number of germs livingbeneath it could be as high as the entire population ofEurope. The smell is probably just as bad, too.“Kitchen Habits Causing Food Poisoning Peril,”FoodLink Press notice, Food and Drink Federation,June 12, 2006, : The Centers for Disease Control ranked the UnitedStates 29th in the world in infant mortality for 2004. TheUnited States fell from 12th in 1960 to 23rd in 1990, and iscurrently tied with Poland and Slovakia for infant mortality.Yes, but we kick their asses in soccer, so it evens out.Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many OtherNations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior,
  • 188. Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, AmericanPublic Health Association, February 2009, : The infant mortality rate in America in 2005 was13.68 deaths per 1,000 live births among blacks, 8.06among American Indians and Alaska natives, 8.3 amongPuerto Ricans, and 5.76 among whites. I bet being .68dead hurts. I think I’d rather just be fully dead.Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many OtherNations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior,Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, AmericanPublic Health Association, February 2009, : The March of Dimes released the inauguralPremature Birth Report Card in November 2008, givingthe United States a D. The study states that the leadingcause of death in an infant’s first month is preterm birth(prior to thirty-seven weeks). So when people say they areproud to be an American, what they really mean is thatthey’re just glad to be alive at all.
  • 189. Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many OtherNations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior,Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, AmericanPublic Health Association, February 2009, : Tennessee’s state health department reports thatthe 2006 infant mortality there surpassed the nationalrate by over 31 percent, with the black infant death rateover twice as high as the white infant death rate. See?Even babies don’t want to live there.Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many OtherNations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior,Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, AmericanPublic Health Association, February 2009, : Ten percent of U.S. adults eighteen and older—orabout 24 million people—experienced seriouspsychological distress in 2008, for which less than halfreceived mental health services. That’s where liquor comes
  • 190. in.“Question of the Month: What Percentage of U.S.Adults Experienced Serious Psychological Distressin the Past Year?” The Nation’s Health, AmericanPublic Health Association, February 2009, : Mental health concerns areone of Americans’ top reasonsfor seeking medical treatment.Depression and other mentalproblems prompted 156 million ofus to visit doctors, clinics, andhospitals in 2005. And twice thatmany to visit liquor stores.“Question of the Month: What Percentage of U.S.Adults Experienced Serious Psychological Distressin the Past Year?” The Nation’s Health, American
  • 191. Public Health Association, February 2009, : Poisoning was the second most commoncause of deadly injury in the United States in 2004,following vehicular crashes. What if you are poisoned andthen crash your car and die? I bet those are hard tocategorize.“QuickStats: Death Rates from Poisoning, by State—United States, 2004,” Morbidity and MortalityWeekly Report, September 14, 2007, Centers forDisease Control and Prevention, : Nearly 70 percent of poisoning deaths in 2004were ruled accidental. Another 19 percent were suicides,while the rest were categorized as homicides orundetermined. What some call accidental is really justDarwinism at work—cleaning out the gene pool and whatnot.“Question of the Month: “What is the second leading
  • 192. cause of death by injury in the United States?” TheNation’s Health, May 2008, : A December 2008 report by Trust for America’sHealth warns that budget cuts could stymie ournation’s preparedness for emergencies. The reportwas issued within days of an independent commission onweapons of mass destruction’s warning about thelikelihood of a nuclear or biological attack on Americawithin the next five years. Here’s the good news: I justsaved some money on my car insurance.Teddi Dineley Johnson, “Budget Cuts ThreatenNation’s Public Health Preparedness: Report CallsBiological Attack Likely,” The Nation’s Health,February 2009, : Tuberculosis (TB) is among the mostwidespread and frequently fatal infectious diseases inthe world. TB is caused by Mycobacterium tuberculosis,which infects an estimated one-third of the world’spopulation. TB also stands for Tampa Bay and their NFLteam, the Buccaneers, whose players are among the
  • 193. most fatal to your fantasy football team.“Plan to Combat Extensively Drug ResistantTuberculosis,” Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report,Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,February 13, 2009, : From 1985–1992, the United Statesexperienced an unprecedented TB resurgence,accompanied by a substantial number of patients who didnot respond to traditional treatment and died. Doctors soondetermined that these individuals had multi-drug-resistantTB, a new strain of the disease. TB or not TB? That wasthe question.“Plan to Combat Extensively Drug ResistantTuberculosis,” Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report,Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,February 13, 2009, : From 2005 to 2006, age-adjusted death rates fordiabetes declined over 5 percent for whites and blacks. Butrates for black males have generally increased, now
  • 194. surpassing rates for black females.I always pronounced it “dia-bee-tees,”but then I heard thatold guy on the TV commercial call it “dia-beetus,”and nowI just don’t knowwhat to believe anymore.M.P. Heron and others, “Deaths: Preliminary Datafor 2006,” National Vital Statistics Report, Centers forDisease Control and Prevention, June 11, 2008, : A study published in March 2009 reportedoverweight eighteen-year-old men were as likely to die bysixty as occasional smokers; obese young men, muchlike heavy smokers, doubled the risk of dying early. So youhave a choice, young fatties: donuts or cigarettes. It’s atough one, I know. Good luck.Roni Caryn Rabin, “Obese Teens as Likely asSmokers to Die Early, Study Finds,” New YorkTimes, March 3, 2009. : In 2005—the most recent year numbers wereavailable—over 186,000 women and 1,700 men were
  • 195. reported with breast cancer; roughly 20 percent of themdied from the disease. Just one more reason not to growman breasts (or “moobs”), fellas.“U.S. Obesity Trends 1985– 2007,” Centers forDisease Control and Prevention, Division of Nutrition,Physical Activity and Obesity, National Center forChronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion,July 24, 2008, : A 2007 report showed justone U.S. state with an obesityrate under 20 percent: Colorado.Thirty U.S. states had an obesityrate equal to or greater than 25percent, and three states—Alabama, Mississippi, andTennessee— were at or above30 percent. They will change
  • 196. their name from the Bible Belt tothe Loosened Belt.“U.S. Obesity Trends 1985–2007,” Centers forDisease Control and Prevention, Division of Nutrition,Physical Activity and Obesity, National Center forChronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion,July 24, 2008, : In humans with celiac disease, the body’s immunesystem damages the lining of the small intestine when itprocesses gluten, hindering the body’s ability toabsorb nutrients from food and causes numerousdigestive problems. Untreated celiac disease can be life-threatening. Other names for celiac disease are celiacsprue and gluten intolerance, but I like to call it “pootin’gluten.”“What I Need to Know about Celiac Disease,”National Digestive Diseases InformationClearinghouse, National Institute of Diabetes andDigestive and Kidney Diseases, National Institutes ofHealth,
  • 197. “Celiac Disease Facts,” University of MarylandCenter for Celiac Research, : Up to 70 million Americans are affected bydigestive diseases such as pancreatitis, cirrhosis, gastritis,reflux, viral hepatitis, and more. And you don’t want to sitnear any of them, trust me.“Digestive Disease Statistics,” National DigestiveDiseases Information Clearinghouse, NationalInstitute of Diabetes and Digestive and KidneyDiseases, National Institutes of Health,www.digestive.niddk : Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimiacan cause low blood pressure, diabetes, heart and kidneyproblems, brain damage and death. Other than that,they’re harmless.“Eating Disorders,” Medline Plus, National Institutesof Health, Department of Health & Human Services,February 27, 2009,
  • 198. 294FACT : About 5 million Americanssuffer from heart failure; 300,000of them die each year. I assumethey’re including the dead ones inthe “suffer from” number.“Heart Failure,” Medline Plus, National Institutes ofHealth, Department of Health & Human Services,
  • 199. FACT : Conditions that affect less than 200,000 peoplenationwide are characterized as orphan diseases.These include Lou Gehrig’s disease, cystic fibrosis,Tourette’s syndrome, and lesser-known conditions such asJob syndrome, Hamburger disease, and gigantism.Collectively orphan disease plagues up to 25 million in theU.S. Huh, I always thought orphan diseases were thingslike lice and rickets.Carol Rados, “Orphan Products: Hope for PeopleWith Rare Diseases,” FDA Consumer Magazine,November-December 2003, : The medical condition known as heart failure doesnot mean that your heart has arrested or is about to quitworking, but that the organ isn’t pumping enough bloodthrough the body. Either way, it sucks.“Heart Failure,” Medline Plus, National Institutes ofHealth, Department of Health & Human Services, : Humans can grow horns. Called cutaneous
  • 200. horns, they grow when the skin surface thickens, typically inresponse to disease. I’m pretty sure my old boss hadsome but not because she was diseased—because shewas the Devil.Diane Mapes, “These Aren’t Devil’s Horns, They’reReal,” The Body Odd,, : A ninety-two-year-oldChinese woman recently gavebirth to a sixty-year-old baby.No baby wants to come out ofthe womb, but some are a littlemore stubborn than others. Oh,and by the way—ouch.Diane Mapes, “The Curious Case Of The StoneBaby,” The Body Odd,,
  • 201. 299FACT : A sixty-year-old British woman cannot recognizevoices, even those of family members. She can’tcomprehend who is talking to her unless she can see thespeaking person’s face. Even if her child calls on thetelephone, it is as if she is hearing that voice for the firsttime. The only exception is Sean Connery’s voice. But onlywhen he says, “Suck it, Trebek.”Brian Alexander, “Unable To Recognize Voices,Unless It’s Sean Connery,” The Body Odd,, : Researchers in Germanyhave discovered that, if exposedto an unpleasant smell, sleeperswill have bad dreams. Whenexposed to pleasant smells ofroses, the opposite occurred andtheir dreams were subsequently
  • 202. positive. That is, if you considerdreaming that you’re a gardenerpositive.Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, “Bad Smells CanGive You Nightmares,” The Body Odd,,
  • 203. CHAPTER 7And in MySpare Time,I EnjoyDyingBad News about theThings You Do forFun—or Used To
  • 204. 301FACT : Boating accidents claim anaverage of 700 lives each year.The majority of them on water.“Water-Related Injuries: Fact Sheet,” Home &Recreational Safety, Centers for Disease Controland Prevention, : Finger holes in bowling balls have been found tocontain “substantial” amounts of fecal contamination.Pooping into those little holes isn’t easy, either, believeme. But when you gotta go, you gotta go.Philip M. Tierno, The Secret Life of Germs: WhatThey Are, Why We Need Them, and How We CanProtect Ourselves Against Them (Simon & Schuster,2004), 108.303
  • 205. FACT : The CDC estimates that 3.8 million sports andrecreation-related concussions happen in the UnitedStates each year. They can only estimate because no oneat the CDC has ever set foot on a sports field.“Learn to Prevent & Recognize Concussions,”National Center for Injury Prevention and Control,National Center for Health Marketing, Division ofeHealth Marketing, : Between two and three jockeys are killed eachyear—the same number of players who have died inprofessional baseball’s entire history—making horseracing one of the most dangerous sports.Some years it’s 2.5, if a jockey is really small.Noel Botham, The Best Book of Useless InformationEver: A Few Thousand Other Things You ProbablyDon’t Need to Know (but Might as Well Find Out)(Perigee, 2007).“Baseball-Related Deaths Uncommon,” TulsaWorld, July 24, 2007,
  • 206. 305FACT : The game “hot cockles” was very popular aroundChristmas in medieval times. It entailed taking turnsstriking a blindfolded player, who had to guess the nameof the person who was doing the hitting. I usually dread mymother-in-law’s Christmas visit, but that just changed.“Who wants to play a fun game?”Noel Botham, The Best Book of Useless InformationEver: A Few Thousand Other Things You ProbablyDon’t Need to Know (but Might as Well Find Out)(Perigee, 2007).306FACT : A NASCAR fan once sentover half a million e-mails toFOX network for airing a baseballgame instead of a scheduledrace. FOX cared.
  • 207. Noel Botham, The Best Book of Useless InformationEver: A Few Thousand Other Things You ProbablyDon’t Need to Know (but Might as Well Find Out)(Perigee, 2007).307FACT : Roughly 20 percent of all traumatic brain injuries tochildren and adolescents in the United States are causedin some way by sports and recreational activities. Mostoccur during bicycling, skateboarding, or skating. However,the number of injuries involving unicycles has increased100 percent in the last decade, from one to two. But bothwere nerds, so who cares?“Sports Injury Statistics,” Children’s Hospital Boston,
  • 208. 308FACT : About 3 million youth aged fourteen and underare hurt annually during sports or recreational activities;more than 25 percent of those are treated in hospitalemergency rooms. Most injuries occur as a result of fallingdown, being struck by an object, collisions, andoverexertion during unorganized or informal sportsactivities. The sooner a kid becomes acquainted withpain, the better.“Sports Injury Statistics,” Children’s Hospital Boston, : Sixty percent of sports-related injuries occurduring practice. We call that a learning curve, and forthings like rock-climbing, hang-gliding, and pole vaulting,it’s a drag.“Sports Injury Statistics,” Children’s Hospital Boston,
  • 209. FACT : The severity of sports-related injury increases withage. The severity of a lot ofthings increases with age.“Sports Injury Statistics,” Children’s Hospital Boston, : Before puberty, girls and boys suffer the same riskof sports injuries, but during puberty, boys suffer moreinjuries, and more severe injuries, than girls. Probablybecause during puberty, boys are trying harder than everto impress those girls.“Sports Injury Statistics,” Children’s Hospital Boston, : Baseball has the highest fatality rate amongsports for children ages five to fourteen, with three to fourdeaths each year. From what, boredom?
  • 210. “Sports Injury Statistics,” Children’s Hospital Boston, : Many rugby song lyrics and the particular playswithin the game (presumably jokingly) glorify raping othermen’s girlfriends and mothers. I’ve known a few rugbyplayers. They weren’t joking.Sara L. Crawley, Lara J. Foley, and Constance L.Shehan, Gendering Bodies (Rowman & Littlefield,2007), 187.314FACT : NFL players in prestigiousand popular roles as scorers—running backs, quarterbacks,wide receivers—appear to beoverrepresented in domesticviolence and sexual assaults
  • 211. committed against women.Overrepresented legally, that is,like O.J. in his first trial, when hehad about seventeen lawyers.Sara L. Crawley, Lara J. Foley, and Constance L.Shehan, Gendering Bodies (Rowman & Littlefield,2007), 187.315FACT : A Washington, D.C.-based study on the correlationbetween admissions to emergency rooms and outcomesfor Washington Redskins’ football games showed thatadmissions of female victims of stabbings, gunshots,assaults, and other violence actually increases whenthe team wins. Which, luckily, doesn’t happen very often.Sara L. Crawley, Lara J. Foley, and Constance L.Shehan, Gendering Bodies (Rowman &Littlefield,2007), 187.316
  • 212. FACT : Boxers and participants inviolent team sports often suffervery high incidence ofpermanent injuries, disabilities,alcoholism, drug abuse, obesity,and heart problems. Really?Because Muhammad Ali seemsjust fine to me.Sara L. Crawley, Lara J. Foley, and Constance L.Shehan, Gendering Bodies (Rowman & Littlefield,2007), 187.317FACT : In Ancient Greece, boxing was a more brutalsport than it is today. Fighters wore leather straps toprotect their fists, and the contest did not end until one ofthe fighters was unconscious or, in some cases, dead.Yes, that sounds totally different from modern boxing.Wait. No, it doesn’t.
  • 213. “The Most Brutal,” Ancient Sports, Waldo E. Sweet and ErichSegal, Sport and Recreation in Ancient Greece: ASourcebook with Translations (Oxford UniversityPress, 1987).318FACT : In boxing, a “knockout” is synonymous with cerebralconcussion, which can lead to short- or even long-termamnesia and confusion. Another concern is that theneurological damage is cumulative and makes theboxer increasingly vulnerable to future injury and permanentneurological trauma. Amnesia might not be a bad thing, inthis case. Who wants to remember getting his ass kicked?Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, NeurologicalSports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).319FACT : Another popular violent sport in ancient Greecewas pankration, a hybrid of wrestling and boxing withno protective gear and no rules, save a ban on gougingof eyes and biting. We still have this.It’s called the Ultimate Fighting Championship. But I think
  • 214. they allowbiting and eye-gouging now. And wedgies.“The Most Brutal,” Ancient Sports, E. Sweet, Erich Segal, Sport and Recreationin Ancient Greece: A Sourcebook with Translations(Oxford University Press, 1987).320FACT : Ancient Egyptian sports andgames were brutal. InFishermen’s Jousting, teams offishermen would knock theiropponents out of their boats.Since many fishermen wereunable to swim, drownings oftenresulted. Because the best sportfor guys who can’t swim is one
  • 215. where they try to knock eachother off paper boats into thewater.“The Most Brutal,” Ancient Sports, Craig, Sports and Games of the Ancients(Greenwood Publishing Group, 2002), 6.321FACT : Chariot racing in ancient Rome was brutal. Driverswrapped the reins of the chariot around their arms andcould not let go if they crashed, allowing them to bedragged behind their horses unless they could freethemselves. Many charioteers carried small knives for thispurpose. Then they realized a better solution: find a newhobby. One that doesn’t involve chariots.“The Most Brutal,” Ancient Sports,
  • 216. Eckart Köhne, Cornelia Ewigleben, and RalphJackson, Gladiators and Caesars: The Power ofSpectacle in Ancient Rome (University of CaliforniaPress, 2000).322FACT : Spanish-style bullfights are a gruesome tradition.Picadors (lance-yielding men on blindfolded horses) andbanderilleros (men on foot who wield sticks with harpoonpoints) stab a bull in the back and neck. When the bull isweakened, the matador forces a few charges from the bullfor show, then kills it with a sword and cuts off the ears ortail as trophies. Well that sounds like fun. I have to takethe kids.“What is wrong with bullfighting?” League AgainstCruel Sports, : Six people died inbullfights in 2004. What ashame. That there weren’t more.
  • 217. “What is wrong with bullfighting?” League AgainstCruel Sports, : Since 1924, thirteen people have been killed inPamplona, Spain’s annual “Running of the Bulls” at theSan Fermin festival. Injuries have persisted in recent yearsdespite the government’s attempts to make the event saferby coating the streets with a special anti-slip paint. Oneyear, instead of anti-slip paint, they covered the street withbutter and banana peels just for fun. The number ofinjuries increased a bit.Damien Simonis, Susan For-syth, and John Noble,Spain, 6th ed. (Lonely Planet, 2007).325FACT : If you ascend too quickly while scuba diving, yourisk lung over-expansion, a condition that occurs when air isinhaled underwater and not exhaled while rising to thesurface. The air in the lungs expands as the diver ascends,and can result in potentially lethal air bubbles in theblood. That doesn’t sound painful.“Decompression Symptoms: The Bends,”
  • 218. eMedicineHealth, : Scuba divers who ascend too quickly also riskdecompression sickness, or “the bends,” which occurswhen nitrogen that builds in tissues during the dive is forcedback into the blood stream too quickly, resulting innitrogen bubbles in the blood. The condition isextremely painful and potentially fatal. Like any of this willmatter the next time you’re diving and a fifteen-foot sharkstarts circling. You’ll ascend so fast you’ll look like Shamucoming out of the water.“Decompression Symptoms: The Bends,”eMedicineHealth, Iliff, “The Bends In Scuba Diving,”,
  • 219. 327FACT : Research by the National Spinal Cord InjuryStatistical Center shows that 18 percent of spinal cordinjuries are sports-related, with close to 8,000 injurieseach year. This is likely a gross underestimate, however,as an additional 20 patients per million die before reachingthe hospital. People without medical coverage will doanything to avoid a high hospital bill.Randolph W. Evans, Neurology and Trauma, 2nded. (Oxford University Press, 2006).
  • 220. 328FACT : One study showed that over half ofsports-related catastrophic spinal cordinjuries resulted from diving accidents,most of them during unsupervised orunsponsored activities in which alcohol wasa factor. “Hey y’all, watch this!”Randolph W. Evans, Neurology and Trauma 2nd ed.(Oxford University Press, 2006).329FACT : From 1982 to 1997, cheerleadingaccounted for 57 percent of thecatastrophic injuries and fatalities amongyoung female athletes. When didcheerleaders become “athletes”?Jean O’Reilly and Susan K. Cahn, Women andSports in the United States: A Documentary Reader(UPNE, 2007).
  • 221. 330FACT : Stingers are injuries to the nerves in the neck andshoulder that cause painful electric sensations toradiate through one of the arms. If not properlydiagnosed and treated, stingers, which are usually sports-related, can lead to persistent pain and permanent nervedamage. They might want to rethink that name. Talk aboutan understatement.“The Stinger,” North American Spine Society PublicEducation Series, North American Spine Society,2006, : From 1973 to 1975, there were eighty-oneknown fatalities from hang-gliding, usually involvingmassive head, neck, and chest trauma that includedshattered skulls and ruptured aortas, heart lacerations, andpulmonary collapse. The majority of injured hang-glidersarrived at the hospital deceased. Of thirty-seven fatalinjuries, 20 percent involved alcohol. Alcohol and hang-gliding—great idea!Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, Neurological
  • 222. Sports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).332FACT : Rowing is a taxing sport with a significantincidence of injury among participants, ranging fromspondylolysis, a stress fracture to one of the vertebrae, todisc disease, chronic pain from a damaged disc. Bothconditions can lead to other injuries and degeneration inthe spine. Row, row, rowyour boat, Paddles in a line, Push‘em up, pull ‘em back, Snap your goddamn spine.Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, NeurologicalSports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).“Spondylolysis and Spondylo-listhesis,” AmericanAcademy of Orthopaedic Surgeons,“Degenerative Disc Disease,” Cedars-SinaiMedical Center,
  • 223. 333FACT : Sports shooters, especially those who use indoorsmall-bore rifle ranges, risk lead absorption andintoxication, known to cause symptomatic neuropathy,which can be damaging to the brain, nerves, and more.Neuropathy is a nervous disorder—not really somethingyou want in a guy walking around with a loaded gun.Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, NeurologicalSports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).334FACT : Skiing carries a high risk ofinjury to the nervous system thatcan result in quadriplegia anddeath. Recreational skiers caneasily reach speeds of up to 40mph when traveling downhill,which can lead to injuries similarto those seen in car accidents. If
  • 224. you don’t believe it, ask SonnyBono. Oh, wait, never mind. He’sdead.Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, NeurologicalSports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).335FACT : The use of trampolines carries a great risk forcatastrophic injury. In one study, thirty-two out of fiftyinstances of spinal cord injury in gymnastics involvedtrampolines. Still, they’re a lot safer nowthan when I was akid. We didn’t have safety nets or spring covers, and thetrampolines were made of asbestos, covered in leadpaint, and often surrounded by a ring of fire or piranha-filled water or land mines. I sawa lot of good kids go down.Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, NeurologicalSports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).336
  • 225. FACT : Golf may be considered abenign sport, but it carries risk ofinjury and death, most often fromlightning, power lines, heartattack, and heat stroke. Otherdeaths have occurred fromfreak injuries. In one instance,an angry golfer killed his caddieby swinging a club at him aftermissing a shot, and anotherplayer broke his club on a tree,only to have it rebound andimpale him. No one who hasplayed golf considers it a benignsport.Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, NeurologicalSports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and Athletic
  • 226. Trainers (Thieme, 2001).337FACT : In the United States, at least seven fatalities andnumerous severe injuries have been reported amongbungee jumpers using a hot air balloon as a platform.In two instances, no one noticed that the balloon lostaltitude, making the jump cord too long, and the jumpers hitthe ground. Oops. I hope they got a refund.Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, NeurologicalSports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).338FACT : Bow-hunter’s stroke is caused bythe narrowingor obstruction of main arteries supplying blood to thebrain stem or cerebellum. This can be caused by forciblyturning your head to one side, commonly on a head rotationof 90 degrees or more to the left, as an archer does whenaiming. The most common cause of death during archeryremains the same as always: letting someone try to shootan apple off the top of your head.Julian E. Bailes and Arthur L. Day, Neurological
  • 227. Sports Medicine: A Guide for Physicians and AthleticTrainers (Thieme, 2001).339FACT : No one would consider lawn darts dangerous—unless he knew that the sport has been associated withskull-penetrating injuries, half of which cause permanentneurological impairment. In fact, the head is the mostcommon body part to sustain injury, usually in children. Ofcourse it is. Head shots are worth fifty points, plus an extraten if you hit them in the face.Randolph W. Evans, Neurology and Trauma, 2nded. (Oxford University Press, 2006).340FACT : Injuries in equestrian sports are almost twentytimes more common than injuries in motorcycling. Exceptwhen you’re thrown from a horse, you don’t bounce off thewindshield of a car or skid 200 yards down the asphalt onyour face.Randolph W. Evans, Neurology and Trauma,2nd ed.(Oxford University Press, 2006).
  • 228. 341FACT : Noodling is a dangerous type of bare-handfishing used to catch large—and powerful—catfish inunderwater holes. Noodlers have been drowned, sufferedbroken bones, and been severely bitten by turtles, beavers,snakes, and muskrats. Noodling is illegal in thirty-sevenstates. Even more dangerous is canoodling. Catfish aren’taffectionate, and unwanted advances will earn you a biteor a barb.“How Noodling Works,”, : Children spend greater time watching TV than allother activities, except sleep. Do you know whatbabysitters charge these days?Huston and Wright, “Television and Socialization ofYoung Children,” in Tuning In to Young Viewers, ed. T.MacBeth (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 1996), 37–60.343FACT : In 2007, forty-five people were struck and
  • 229. killed by lightning in the United States, a quarter of themin or near water. Better to be struck and killed than struckand not killed, don’t you agree? If you live through that,you’re probably going to be really skittish for a while. Yourhair will never be right again either, I bet.“Lightning Safety,” National Weather Service, : Each year about fifty toseventy confirmed shark attacksand five to fifteen sharkattackfatalities occur around the world.Numbers are on the rise. I’mwondering what makes for anunconfirmed shark attack. If aperson has a huge chunk of meatripped out of his ass, doesanyone really suspect a sea
  • 230. bass?Brian Handwerk, “Shark Facts: Attack Stats, RecordSwims, More,” National Geographic News, June 13,2005, : Collisions with motor vehicles cause over 90percent of deaths from bicycle-related injuries. And it’snot the people in the motor vehicles who die, in case youwere wondering.“Bicycle Injury: A Nationwide Problem,” AlaskaDepartment of Transportation, August 2003, : Over 400,000 children go to theemergency room for bicycle-relatedinjuries each year; children account for 70percent of all bike injuries treated. Clowns,monkeys, Shriners, and village idiots
  • 231. account for the rest.“Bicycle Injury: A Nationwide Problem,” AlaskaDepartment of Transportation, August 2003, : There were 850 hunting accidents in this countryin 2002, more than 10 percent of them fatal. Beer +redneck + loaded weapon ‚ “accident.”“IHEA Hunting Statistics,” Hunting for Tomorrow,December 10, 2005, : In 2008, a seventeen-year-old boy was killed at SixFlags Over Georgia amusement park after beingdecapitated by a roller coaster. The teen and a friendhad climbed over two well-marked six-foot security fencesas a short-cut into the park when the victim was struck. SixFlags’ “No cutting in line” policy is a bit more strict thanmost amusement parks.“Boy Decapitated by Roller Coaster at Six FlagsOver Georgia,” Atlanta Journal-Constitution, June 29,
  • 232. 2008, : At the Middle Tennessee District Fair inLawrenceburg, a sixty-year-old woman was severely injuredwhen she fell thirty feet from the top of a ferris wheeland landed on the spokes close to the center wheel axle.Witnesses told investigators that the woman was standingup and waving right before she fell from the gondola. I betshe sawa guy selling cotton candy and was trying to gethis attention.“Woman, 60, in Critical Condition after Fall fromFerris Wheel,”, September 28,2007, : A thirty-two-year-old woman fell from a rollercoaster at Holiday World & Splashin’ Safari theme park inSanta Claus, Indiana in 2003 and was killed. Theequipment malfunctioned at the highest point of theroller coaster, when riders feel the most “air time,” or zero-gravity feeling as a roller coaster train crests a hill. Thevictim fell from the last seat of the train car and plungedsixty to eighty feet to her death. You’d think nothing bad
  • 233. could happen in a town called Santa Claus. You’d bewrong.“Woman, 32, Killed in Fall from Roller Coaster atHoliday World,”, May 31, 2003,
  • 234. CHAPTER 8Let MeHear YourPotty TalkThe StraightPoop onGoing to theBathroom
  • 235. 351FACT : The germs on your fingers double after using thetoilet, but almost 50 percent of men and 25 percent ofwomen do not wash their hands after going to thebathroom. That’s why they call bowls of loose candy inrestaurants and offices “fecal mints.”Katy Holland and Sarah Jarvis, Children’s Health forDummies (For Dummies, 2006).352FACT : Simply washing your hands with soap and waterafter going to the bathroom reduces the spread ofdiarrheal diseases by almost half. The simple act ofdiarrhea is enough to convince me to wash my hands withsoap.“Poo Facts,” Poo Productions Advocacy Group, : Flushing the toilet can propel small drops ofaerosolized fecal matter through the air as far as twenty
  • 236. feet, potentially landing on every surface in your bathroom.Studies have found feces on faucets, sinks, counters,combs, brushes and toothbrushes. Reminds me of thetime I ate some of those fat-free potato chips with olestra.Propel is not even close to describing what my ass did.Philip M. Tierno, The Secret Life of Germs: WhatThey Are, Why We Need Them, and How We CanProtect Ourselves Against Them (Simon & Schuster,2004), 92.354FACT : Some intestinal viruses can remain in the air afteryou defecate and flush the toilet, and can causeinfection if inhaled or swallowed. Why are you inhalinganyway? You like that smell? I hold my breath until I canget the hell out of Dodge.J. Barker and M.V. Jones, “The Potential Spread ofInfection Caused by Aerosol Contamination ofSurfaces after Flushing a Domestic Toilet,”Department of Pharmaceutical and BiologicalSciences, School of Life and Health Sciences, AstonUniversity,
  • 237. 355FACT : In a humid environment like a bathroom, a singlebacterial cell can multiply into 1 billion cells overnight. Iimagine all that floating, flying feces doesn’t help, either.Philip M. Tierno, The Secret Life of Germs: WhatThey Are, Why We Need Them, and How We CanProtect Ourselves Against Them (Simon & Schuster,2004), 92.356FACT : Forty percent of the world’speople have no toilet, and mustuse the bathroom in any publicplace they can find: bushes,roadsides, alleys, etc. Roadsidessound especially fun. “Dad, can Iborrow the car? I wanna go out toU.S.-1 and take a shit.”Rose George, The Big Necessity: The
  • 238. Unmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).357FACT : Lack of sanitation and access to a toilet isn’t just aThird World problem: 1.7 million people in the UnitedStates have inadequate or no means of safe disposalof waste. Inadequate? There’s no place inadequate for aquick potty break when you really gotta go.Rose George, The Big Necessity: TheUnmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).358FACT : Feces in the water supplycause 10 percent of the world’scommunicable diseases. On amoonless night, a well can easilybe mistaken for a latrine.
  • 239. Rose George, The Big Necessity: TheUnmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).359FACT : People often fart shortly afterthey die. Is this what they meanby a “death rattle”?“Facts On Farts,”,
  • 240. : Lack of clean water and improper disposal ofhuman waste contribute to the spread of numerouspreventable diseases, including typhoid, cholera, anddysentery, which take the lives of thousands of childreneach day. So please stop crapping on playgrounds and inthe foam ball cage at Chuck E. Cheese’s.“Poo Facts,” Poo Productions Advocacy Group, : Safe disposal of children’s feces can reducechildhood diarrhea by as much as 40 percent. A fewyears back I took my dogs for a hike. One of them went offthe trail to sniff around and started wallowing in somethingon the ground. When the dog returned, he stank of what Iassumed to be deer feces. We hiked on and the trailcurved around by the spot where my dog had wallowed, soI glanced over . . . and sawa big pile of used toilet paper.That was not safe disposal of feces.“Poo Facts,” Poo Productions Advocacy Group,
  • 241. : The most germ-laden place on your toilet isn’t theseat or even the bowl: it’s the handle. The solution: don’tflush. Let the next guy worry about it.“The Truth about the Toilet,”, : Some major world cities remain disturbinglybehind the times when it comes to sanitation. Milan,Italy, one of the fashion centers of the world, continued todump raw, dangerous sewage into the Lambro River untilthe city built its first treatment plant in 2005, spurred by thethreat of a $15-million-a-day fine from the European Union.And you thought Venice smelled bad.Rose George, The Big Necessity: TheUnmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).
  • 242. 364FACT : Brussels, Belgium, seat of the European Union,dumped human waste into the Senne River untilcompletion of a water treatment plant in 2003. All thoseEuropeans were a-peein’directly into the Senne.Rose George, The Big Necessity: TheUnmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).365FACT : When you pee, a small amount of urine entersyour mouth through the saliva glands. Which I suppose isbetter than urine entering your mouth any other way.Greta Garbage, That’s Disgusting: An Adult Guideto What’s Gross, Tasteless, Rude, Crude, and Lewd(Ten Speed Press, 1999).366FACT : Urine with a sweet odor can indicate that bloodsugar is being excreted, a warning sign for diabetes.The smell is also caused by starvation and ketonuria, aresult of excessive dieting. I don’t think starving people aretoo concerned about the smell of their pee.
  • 243. Sally Wadyka, “What Your Urine is Telling You AboutYour Health,” MSN Health & Fitness, : If you see blood in your urine, consult a doctorright away. It is most likely the sign of a urinary tractinfection, but can also indicate bladder cancer. Yes, see adoctor right away—after you regain consciousness, that is.367Sally Wadyka, “What Your Urine is Telling You AboutYour Health,” MSN Health & Fitness, : Holding in urine too long puts you at risk ofdeath from hyponatremia, also called “waterintoxication,” the result of consuming more water than yourbody can regulate. In 2007, a twenty-eight-year-old womandied of hyponatremia during a “Hold Your Wee for a Wii”contest sponsored by a local radio station in Sacramento,California. Well, her New Year’s resolution was to drinkmore water.
  • 244. Tom Zeller Jr., “Too High a Price for a Wii,” TheLede— New York Times, January 15, 2007, : Harvard researcher Dr. Marsha Moses is studyingthe possibility of using a simple urine test to detectbreast cancer and predict its aggressiveness. Mosesrecommends that doctors look for the protein ADAM 12 inpatients’ urine, as increasing amounts indicate cancergrowth. Doctors should also check for the Dragnet proteinand the CHiPs protein, an indicator of Poncharello’sdisease.William J. Cromie, “Urine test tracks deadlybirthmarks,” Harvard University Gazette, February 24,2005, : Red urine can indicate diabetic nephropathy,papillary renal cell carcinoma, or aloe poisoning.It can also be a sign that you ate too many beets, or a sideeffect of taking certain prescription drugs. If you eatenough beets to turn your pee red, you might be a rabbit.Consult your local veterinarian.
  • 245. “Causes of Red urine,”,March 17, 2009, Woodrow, Essentials of Pharmacology forHealth Occupations, 4th ed. (Cengage Learning,2001), 247.Joseph T. DiPiro and others, Pharmacotherapy: APatho-physiologic Approach, 7th ed. (McGraw-HillProfessional, 2008), 84.371FACT : Black urine can be a signthat you have alkaptonuria, a rarehereditary condition that causespee to turn pitch black uponexposure to air. Black urinedisease can cause arthritis, andcan inhibit cardiac, pulmonary,
  • 246. and renal function. Black urinecan also inhibit your “not-screaming-like-a-schoolgirl”function.J. C. Segen, The Dictionary of Modern Medicine(Taylor & Francis, 1992).372FACT : Green urine can result from infections caused byPseudomonas aeruginosa, a bacteria found in soil andwater. Green urine disease can be fatal if it occurs in thelungs, urinary tract, or kidneys. Exceptions: Kermit TheFrog, The Incredible Hulk, leprechauns.Samer Qarah, “Pseudomonas aeruginosaI n f e c t i o n s , ”, C. Segen, The Dictionary of Modern Medicine(Taylor &Francis, 1992).
  • 247. 373FACT : A gram of feces contains upto a million bacteria, ten timesas many viruses, 100 worm eggs,and 1,000 parasitic cysts. Andcorn.Rose George, The Big Necessity: TheUnmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).374FACT : The average healthy adult expels between 100 and200 grams—almost half a pound—of feces a day. Thatsounds low. Did they include vegans? How about JohnGoodman?The Merck Manuals Online Medical Library, Merck& Co.,
  • 248. FACT : Some experts estimate that people who livewithout adequate sanitation inadvertently consume tengrams of fecal matter every day, potentially leading toinfection, serious illness, and death. So don’t bother tellingthem to eat shit—they already do.Rose George, The Big Necessity: TheUnmentionable World of Human Waste and Why ItMatters (St. Martin’s Press, 2008).376FACT : The chemicals indole and skatole, which causethe foul smell of human feces, are used as ingredientsin perfume. White Diamonds and Jean Nate in particular.Shayne C. Gad, Toxicology of the GastrointestinalTract (CRC Press, 2007).Richard Allen Miller and Iona Miller, The Magicaland Ritual Use of Perfumes (Inner Traditions, 1990).377FACT : Thin stools can be an indicator of coloncancer or its precursor, polyps in the colon. Or they can
  • 249. simply mean that you are a small dog, like a Chihuahuaor a Dachshund.Sally Wadyka, “What Your Bowel Movements AreTelling You About Your Health,” MSN Health &Fitness, : If your stool is pale or grayish, you could haveproblems somewhere in your digestive tract, such as ablockage in the liver or a pancreatic disorder. Or maybeyour stool just needs a little sun. Try shitting on the beachfor a week or two and see if that helps.Sally Wadyka, “What Your Bowel Movements AreTelling You About Your Health,” MSN Health &Fitness, : Stool that is black and tar-like can be the harmlessresult of taking an iron supplement, but can also indicatedangerous bleeding in a higher part of the GI tract, likethe stomach or esophagus. Stool that is black and tar-likecan make you wish you had a bidet, because TP ispowerless against it.
  • 250. Sally Wadyka, “What Your Bowel Movements AreTelling You About Your Health,” MSN Health &Fitness, : Stools that have an extremely bad and unusualodor may be indicators of a more serious condition,such as cystic fibrosis, Crohn’s disease, ulcerative colitis,and chronic pancreatitis. They might also be an indicatorof olestras eruptus—the volcanic ass explosion that oftenfollows the consumption of olestra.Christian Stone, “Stools—foul smelling,” MedicalEncyclopedia, Medline Plus, U.S. National Library ofMedicine and National Institutes of Health, November13, 2007, : Women are up to five times more likely thanmen to have urinary incontinence problems, primarily dueto trauma the body experiences during pregnancy andchildbirth. Of the 25 million Americans who suffer fromincontinence, 75 to 80 percent are women. Oh, great.Something to add to their “pregnancy ruined my body”
  • 251. bitch list.“What Every Woman Should Know,” NationalAssociation for Continence, March 27, 2009, : More than 6.5 million Americans have fecalincontinence—the inability to control the passage ofstool—and most of them are women. More than 10percent of adult women in this country suffer from fecalincontinence. This is why they make cork.“Fecal Incontinence,” National Association forContinence, August 14, 2008, : During pregnancy, a woman can develop a fistula,or a hole in the vaginal wall that allows urine to streamout constantly. In the past, women with fistulas frequentlybecame outcasts from their families and communitiesbecause of their odor.My wife develops a fistula with her hand whenever I talkabout old girlfriends.
  • 252. Denise Grady, “After a Devastating Birth Injury,Hope,” New York Times, February 23, 2009, : A rectovaginal fistula is anabnormal connection between therectum and the vagina that canlead to passing gas or stoolthrough the vagina. The injurycan be caused by childbirth,cancer, a complication fromsurgery, or an inflammatorybowel condition such as Crohn’sdisease. Yes, passing stoolthrough your vag is slightlyabnormal.Mayo Clinic staff, “Rectovaginal Fistula,” May 30,
  • 253. 2008, : Americans use 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paperevery year, which represents at least 15 million treespulped. Then my mother-in-law can wipe out an entireforest in just one trip to the can.Justin Thomas, “Bidets: Eliminate Toilet Paper,Increase Your Hygiene,” : Steatorrhea is the presence of excess quantitiesof fat in stools, and is frequently a sign of a malabsorptionsyndrome such as celiac disease, cystic fibrosis, andchronic pancreatitis. The first sign of steatorrhea?Floaters.Richard Ravel, Clinical Laboratory Medicine:Clinical Application of Laboratory Data, 6th ed.(Elsevier Health Sciences, 1994).387
  • 254. FACT : Oliguria is extremely low urine output, similar toanuria, a condition in which the body stops making urine.Both symptoms are classic signs of renal failure, butcan also indicate a urinary blockage or insufficient bloodsupply to the kidneys. Old man: Doctor, I can’t peeanymore. Doctor: Howold are you? Old man: 97. Doctor:You’ve peed enough.Prasad Devarajan and Louise M Williams,“Oliguria,” December 3, 2008, eMedicine, : Fecal transplant is becoming an increasinglypopular option in the treatment of severe bact