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  • 1. Manhoof Written by Chris Dedrick © 2013 Chris Dedrick Long live our gorilla overlords
  • 2. BLACK SCREEN SUPER: "I AM TUNA WHISKERS I WILL TICKLE YOU WITH MY WOMANLY MOLD YOU SHALL SHRIVEL WITHIN MY FUZZY GRASP!" - Tuna Whiskers, Where the Dead Babies Grow. FADE IN: EXT. BEACH DETECTIVE MANHOOF, an alien with a bandito mustache and a purple feather in his cap, gazes past ebbing tides from sandy shoals. Hunched beside him cloaked in blood-red robes and wearing a sinister skull and crossbones necklace is THE HOODED MAN, whose face cannot be seen. The dreary ocean waves are endless. MANHOOF I have the cancer. The Hooded Man nods. MANHOOF (CONT'D) BRAIN CANCER MAN did this to me. The Hooded Man nods again. MANHOOF (CONT'D) I'll kill him. Manhoof squeezes his holstered gun. SACK PEOPLE, men and women wearing sacks over their heads to keep their brain tumors from falling out, appear in the dim. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Sack people… The Hooded Man extends a frightening knife. The sack people fall upon themselves in the sand, squirming like worms. Manhoof turns away as The Hooded Man murders them all. The Hooded Man points his bloody knife at Manhoof's head. MANHOOF (CONT'D) They have the cancer, too. The Hooded Man, with his knife, removes a sack, revealing a mass of writhing tumors. Manhoof removes his shoes and steps into the water.
  • 3. 2. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Only death can cure our madness. A FAT SACK MAN, wearing no shirt, materializes in the surf. FAT SACK MAN The frog of the moon whistles a tune. MANHOOF Tell me where I can find our tormenter! He tries to grab Manhoof's throat but instead collapses upon the detective. Tumors spill out of his head, and he shrieks with unearthly pain. Manhoof reluctantly pulls the trigger. The Hooded Man offers a red apple in his hand. MANHOOF (CONT'D) He wants my children to wither. The Hooded Man takes a bite of the apple and cackles with mordant glee. EXT. ALLEY Manhoof slouches in the shadows. GRABBY, a creepy catlike old man with a Santa Claus beard, sits in a pile of garbage. MANHOOF Are you Grabby? GRABBY Yes, I'm the man who knows. Grabby mewls like a cat. MANHOOF Then you're going to tell me where Brain Cancer Man is, or I'm going to shove a few dozen bullets up your ass. Grabby licks his wrists. GRABBY You're hungry, Detective Manhoof. Why don't you have a banana? Grabby offers a banana.
  • 4. 3. MANHOOF What is this nonsense? GRABBY Nonsense is knowledge. Manhoof seizes Grabby by the scruff of his face. GRABBY (CONT'D) Do aliens not like bananas? MANHOOF (slurred speech) I am not a banana. Blood leaks down Manhoof's nose, and he winces. GRABBY You're sick, probably because you're hungry. MANHOOF Rainbow death glows like the teeth of a rhinoceros... GRABBY I only owe you a banana, Detective Manhoof. MANHOOF Brain Cancer Man won't stop until everyone has the cancer. Grabby stretches and yawns. GRABBY The interstellar scorpion preserves my health, glory be unto him. Manhoof suddenly punches Grabby in the side of the head with his gun. MANHOOF Bananas won't fix my problems! Grabby's eyes shine green like a cats while he madly scratches at Manhoof's face. Manhoof sinks to the ground, his vision wobbling out of control.
  • 5. 4. By the time he can stand, Grabby has disappeared. Manhoof sprints out into the street, scanning for Grabby. Normal PEOPLE walk by peacefully. GRABBY THE BEEF WIZARD has stolen my pineapple… Grabby slinks behind Manhoof and purrs. GRABBY (CONT'D) And a pineapple is not a banana. INT. APARTMENT Manhoof climbs in through a window, and THE BEEF WIZARD sits on the couch. She is disheveled with raw meat stuffed in her pockets. She doesn't notice Manhoof as he enters. She is too absorbed with a bag of potato chips. Sweet, sensitive music plays, and a single tear drips from her swollen cheeks. Manhoof spots the pineapple positioned at the center of her kitchen table. He tiptoes as quietly as he can, but he accidentally steps on a yellow rubber duck. The Beef Wizard stands up and scans the room. Manhoof springs towards the pineapple, quickly stuffing it in his pocket. THE BEEF WIZARD Why do you crumble The Beef Wizard? She raises a t-bone steak. MANHOOF Oh lady, why do you worship meat? THE BEEF WIZARD It's not of my choosing, you lycanthropic gravy sandwich. MANHOOF May I please borrow your pineapple? THE BEEF WIZARD You boiled my uterus like a potato. It doesn't work anymore, Manhoof!
  • 6. 5. She throws a t-bone on the floor, and it explodes like a bomb. Manhoof dives out of its blast radius. THE BEEF WIZARD (CONT'D) You wore Nathan's skin like a hat! MANHOOF I swear to all the dust in my veins that I've never before gazed upon your mysterious fluff. Manhoof grabs a chair and slams it into her face. THE BEEF WIZARD Before the cancer shredded your cheeks, you loved me. Manhoof pulls his gun. MANHOOF Are you really going to die for a pineapple? THE BEEF WIZARD My name is Linda, don't you remember? You infected me, and then you drowned our son in tomato soup. She screams and tries to pull another steak from her pocket, but Manhoof shoots her in the face. EXT. STREET Manhoof sits cradling his head, rivulets of blood running from his hat. MERRY, a young woman donning a drab hood and dragging a scythe, approaches and embraces Manhoof. MERRY If you step out of my sight again, I'll eat your lungs. MANHOOF Bring barbeque sauce and a spork. Merry lets go of Manhoof. MERRY Why do you carry a citrusy treat?
  • 7. 6. MANHOOF Some catawampus fuddy-duddy craved it. MERRY Gastromancy! By listening to a stomach digest particular foods, gastromancers can hear the dead. MANHOOF I can't recall your eyes, girl. MERRY Gather your ice picks and call me Merry. MANHOOF There are always more pineapples to purchase, Merry. MERRY This is a very special pineapple from the jungles of Angola. Pineapples can kill ghosts, Manhoof. Gastromancy is the muscular terror of those with stronger minds than bodies. Merry holds her scythe at Manhoof's throat. MERRY (CONT'D) Let's feed Whaleborg to the chickens. MANHOOF Who? MERRY He killed your wife, Manhoof, and the voice of justice demands retribution. MANHOOF Alright then, I guess… MERRY Where's your righteous anger? Don't hesitate to explode into a fiery wheel of hate! MANHOOF I don't remember a wife.
  • 8. 7. MERRY Then I'll be mad for you. The engine of destruction roars within my mandibles! She grabs Manhoof by his collar. MERRY (CONT'D) I thirst for homicide, like the sky thirsts for birds. INT. DOJO Whaleborg sits cross-legged, with a toaster resting comfortably in his lap. Manhoof enters behind Merry. Whaleborg injects steroids into his veins. WHALEBORG Primordial megafauna once ruled the deep, but their spirits still live in the abyssal waters. When you slammed the bullet through my heart, they spoke unto me that I should live. The sea soothed my wound, and for seven days and seven nights, I drank the salt water and gnawed upon the shells of delicious crustaceans. Now, I am more powerful than ever, for my flesh has been made new, like a shark reborn from the stars. MERRY Heavy sorrow moves my scythe against your teeth. WHALEBORG I loved her too much to let her live. She could have thawed my throat with but a brush of her hands. MANHOOF I'm sorry, Merry. I feel like I'm living in stasis. The wife he killed I can't remember. The only monster I see is Brain Cancer Man, and I see him with my fists.
  • 9. 8. WHALEBORG The fish had whispered to me that she was destined to be mine, but you interfered somehow. I prayed to the reefs, and they revealed to me your secret, Manhoof. You're an alien with a gun! MERRY You zoomed to this planet to bring justice to evil. This man deserves the grave, Detective. Raise your pistol, and bury a few rounds in his aching skull. Merry hacks at Whaleborg with her scythe, which he parries with his toaster. She unleashes a fury of strikes, but Whaleborg maintains his composure and dodges. Manhoof stands stupefied. Merry blunders, and Whaleborg swings the toaster by the cord, clubbing her in the stomach. Whaleborg smashes the toaster down at Merry's head, but she rolls fast. Manhoof snaps out of his trance and starts pumping bullets. Whaleborg raises the toaster to block shots. WHALEBORG This toaster is bulletproof! Merry gets to her feet and swings at Whaleborg's neck. Whaleborg ducks and wraps that cord around her neck, choking her. Merry drops the scythe. He charges Manhoof, employing Merry as a shield, smashing them both into the wall. Manhoof drops the gun, and Whaleborg starts wailing Manhoof in the face with punch after punch. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) You have cancer, Manhoof, but my health is perfect. How could she (MORE)
  • 10. 9. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) have loved a clownfish, your eyes as pallid as the moon? Merry hobbles over to her scythe. MANHOOF Why do you fight with a toaster? WHALEBORG Because I can! Merry thrusts the scythe deep into Whaleborg's head, and blood explodes from his skull. Whaleborg turns with the scythe still in his brain and brutally slams Merry with an uppercut. She drops to the ground unconscious, and tears the scythe out, throwing it aside. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Do you know why my fins are so vibrant with rage? Whaleborg puts Manhoof in a choke hold. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Steroids! Manhoof passes out. Whaleborg howls and emits a pale blue glow. He and Manhoof teleport. EXT. BEACH Manhoof slowly wakes, and Whaleborg stares deep into the detective's defeated eyes. WHALEBORG Whaleborg! Whaleborg punches himself in the face, and Manhoof is showered with gore. Dazed, Whaleborg shakes his head to free himself. There's a sting of panic. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Whaleborg!
  • 11. 10. He slams his knuckles deep into his cheek. Tears begin to trickle down his face. Manhoof looks on, hesitant and horrified. Whaleborg stares up at the clouds, wondering what went wrong. He unleashes his most profoundly vicious bellow. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Whaleborg! A bone-crunching thud dislocates his jaw. Manhoof puts his hand on Whaleborg's shoulder. MANHOOF Don't say another word, you miserable brute. WHALEBORG Whaleborg? Whaleborg sends himself to the grave. Manhoof collapses in the sand, furiously wiping the blood from his brow. Whaleborg is very dead. MANHOOF What palace of chaos swallows me in its infinite grandeur? Manhoof turns, and the body of Whaleborg is gone. He crawls to his feet and hobbles down the beach. Eventually, he drops from exhaustion. MANHOOF (CONT'D) These legs would stride better if plugged into a corpse. His head starts to pound, so he grabs his hat. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Should I pour my blood into the sea? Is that the best I can defy you, Brain Cancer Man? Do you wish to marinate me in pain? Would I spoil your meal if I were cooked too fast?
  • 12. 11. WHALEBORG (V.O.) Manhoof, it's your aquatic superior come to proclaim the mysteries of the blue. I'm in your melting brain, swimming through the gray abyss, whispering to the stars about your rotten flesh. Manhoof holds his head and screams. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) (V.O.) Your centipedes invigorate me, for you plucked the one woman I could ever love from the vine. How could you have been so cruel, to venture from the icy nothingness of space only to crush the luscious future I had with KORKYRA. MANHOOF Why didn't you steal my life when your gills were rapid? You let your sun dissolve in the surf. WHALEBORG Fortune slinked my way with the chuckle of a goose. Instead of bending me into circles, it saw me revitalized in the liquid of your fear. MANHOOF Who was the wife I forgot with my smile? WHALEBORG (V.O.) Korkyra? She had thick shoulders and a wonderful scream, like a dolphin breaching under the glittering kiss of coral in the sun. MANHOOF I feel pity for your diseased chin. How did you drain the animation from such easy clay?
  • 13. 12. WHALEBORG (V.O.) I crushed her beneath the weight of my ribs. Whaleborg sniffs, tearfully. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) (V.O.) I rested above her, promising to lie still until she colonized my stare. Whaleborg lets out a wail. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) (V.O.) Bloody rays of morning light unveiled the crimson gore, a squished caterpillar and splintered screams not there before my dreary rest. MANHOOF Did I burn the nest, to breathe such horrendous smoke? WHALEBORG (V.O.) You lingered with Brain Cancer Man. He swore that I could spend a night with Korkyra if I disabled you, so he gifted upon me a throng of super steroids, to make me supremely fierce. MANHOOF You magnifier, ruiner of brains! WHALEBORG (V.O.) Oh yes, Manhoof, I helped Brain Cancer Man realize his wicked scheme but only so I could freeze your drowning woman in the shadows. A ghostly Whaleborg materializes. Manhoof swings his fist, but it passes right through. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Now, the dream reels from dread, and through your sinister whistles the blade will strike. Your tears of (MORE)
  • 14. 13. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) gloom will fill my cup of horror, and I'll drink from it to remember Korkyra and the love we lost. I'll live in your tumors, Manhoof. They provide ample housing for my bountiful malice, crystallized in my heart like a fortress of Arctic bergs. Manhoof falls to his knees and howls. MANHOOF You, too, Whaleborg, are guilty of slapping me with cancer, and you dare stick to my soul like gum! INT. BASEMENT Whaleborg stands by Manhoof in a lifeless box of cement. There's a table where STEVE, a very short man with thick glasses and skull ring, sits. MANHOOF Time skips with my memory, but I can deliver your groceries with a fist. Manhoof places the pineapple on the table. STEVE This pineapple rouses my interest, Detective. MANHOOF I know how much you lust for strange bundles. Manhoof starts to quiver and sweat from anxiety. Steve takes out a giant magnifying glass to look at the pineapple. STEVE How much of my gloom do you recollect? MANHOOF Less than a drop of fire. Steve breathes a sigh of relief. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Steve, my bone marrow screams for vengeance.
  • 15. 14. STEVE Your face looks like it got chewed by rats. MANHOOF (pointing at Whaleborg) Can you see the numb spirit watching through the gallows? STEVE Maybe you'll find reality and grab an oar. Manhoof swallows uncomfortably. MANHOOF Strange things swirl in my vision, Steve. STEVE Has stress lately saddled your back? Do you scream like a bereaved monkey who has spotted the king snake? Manhoof peers hesitantly at Whaleborg. MANHOOF This monster helped Brain Cancer Man pour the satchel of darkness upon an open cauldron, and he snuffed my wife. WHALEBORG Liar, the words curdle before they escape your throat! You're responsible for Korkyra's death, not me. Unleash the truth, Manhoof: she'd still be alive if you weren't so incompetent. MANHOOF Am I incompetent, Steve? I feel like the cancer has severed my sanity and sent me adrift. STEVE Behold your dust seeping through the mesh! Does a competent man exhaust his heart upon the grass? You vanished upon Merry when she had sacrificed her skeleton as your warden.
  • 16. 15. WHALEBORG Merry is probably now inebriated by oblivion, just like your wife. MANHOOF Steve, my head is haunted by a peculiar scream. Steve laughs hysterically. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Steve, can this pineapple cut ghosts into candy? STEVE Of course, ghosts hate pineapples. MANHOOF What makes this pineapple different? STEVE Pineapples allow one to flow to different locations in the Ghost World. If you truly believe a ghost has invaded your condemned vessel, then you should consume the fruit. It's the surest way to discover the weakness of your captor. MANHOOF Do I have to know some slice of the bizarre, such as gastromancy? STEVE I have tasted all dishes, Detective. WHALEBORG What nerds protect your flanks, you saucy cabinet! MANHOOF Steve, my gun has found freedom outside of my grasp. STEVE Your inner child has colored all over my freshly painted walls. Wait here while I fetch your ham flavored diapers, scamp. Steve walks out of view and returns with a sheathed katana.
  • 17. 16. STEVE (CONT'D) Lose my sword and you kidnap my trust. Manhoof slices off a chunk of pineapple with the blade. STEVE (CONT'D) You surprise me with your shrieking hunger. MANHOOF No one corrupts my brain and escapes the twirl of my jaw. Steve listens to the gurgling in Manhoof's belly and rubs it gently. STEVE The ghosts howl into the blood like warbling raccoons… Steve points a dirty finger in Manhoof's face. STEVE (CONT'D) I never believed in your rage, Manhoof, because it never felt real. INT. GHOST WORLD - SHADOW LAKE Manhoof stands with the katana unsheathed, lit by an eerie mirror of the moon. The quiet is numbing. Whaleborg emerges from the water, and a chainsaw materializes in his hand. WHALEBORG In a calm lake, there are many demons… The chainsaw whines with hate. Whaleborg psychedelically trails as he moves. Manhoof screams at the disorienting sight and runs along the edge of the water. He looks behind him and Whaleborg has disappeared. A battered wooden chest sits locked in the shimmering dirt. Manhoof cautiously looks around, and then he hacks with his sword.
  • 18. 17. He pauses to nervously glance into the darkness, and he sees no one, only the stillness of the water. Manhoof hacks again with his blade, and the lock splits. He pushes open the chest, seeing nothing. Whaleborg can be felt in the distance dancing in the water, with his distorted image delayed beside him. Manhoof begins to march towards his foe. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) The frosty menace of the veil trembles within my tongue: blood, the color of flowers, smoking with the smell of hideous laughter. The steroids have groomed my spirit with care. Look upon the muscular darkness, unfolding masculinity, like a cosmic spring shot from another dimension to swallow the void. Whaleborg whirls with his chainsaw and Manhoof steps back to maintain his distance. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Set aside your cowardice and perish within the blasting lunacy of my umbrage. Whaleborg radiates neon colors in all directions, his chainsaw fluttering furiously. Manhoof wildly swings his sword into the madness, striking nothing. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Terror chills the spine, floating you to the mountain of splinters. Manhoof turns and runs backward, panicked. He looks around and sees Whaleborg descending upon him. Manhoof reaches into his pocket and discovers a whole pineapple. He holds it outward and time slows. The pineapple shines with all the fury of a warrior angel.
  • 19. 18. Whaleborg and his chainsaw come into focus. His jaw drops, and a bloodcurdling roar escapes his teeth. Manhoof extends his sword to pierce Whaleborg's throat, and Whaleborg drops the chainsaw, falling to his knees. WHALEBORG (CONT'D) Korkyra, he never loved you… Manhoof twists the sword free and then chops off Whaleborg's head. He screams in horror, as the world frenetically spins around him in a haze. Manhoof shakes the pineapple. MANHOOF (screaming) Remove me from your junkyard, you stupid piece of fruit! INT. BASEMENT Manhoof returns, sitting in his chair, covered in blood. STEVE Uncoil, majestic thunder, for you have shocked me with your conquest. MANHOOF Shut the fuck up, Steve. My fingers yearn to flay the Brain Cancer Man. STEVE You seek the illustrious and askew DETECTIVE ALBERT MOOSE. He could assist you in your quest to dismember your delectable devil. MANHOOF The name is fresh to my crank. STEVE His nose is no stranger's... He has tracked ALLIGATOR MAN for a few years now. MANHOOF Alligator Man, the name tintinnabulates in my abalones!
  • 20. 19. STEVE You banished the butcher to a world behind bars, but he smashed his chains and slaughtered all the customers at a seafood diner. You ought to exterminate these kooks instead of entreating them with mercy. Mercy won't insulate you from death. Manhoof slaps Steve in the face. MANHOOF Nightmares may impound my humanity, but they will not seize my hooks! It takes grit to chew through with a grievous illness, to through trepidation tread across spikes. STEVE All of your stinky problems that you've bundled away are edging back into the blaze. Cancer lessened you, and now you haven't a bone in your basket. MANHOOF Where can I pat this Moose? STEVE Follow the dead babies through the woods of Maine. MANHOOF What kind of criminal shows tenderfoots the ashen curtains? STEVE Your Alligator Man tells babies to take the dirt nap, Manhoof. EXT. WOODS The straightforward, somber Manhoof stands in stark contrast to the creative and manic Detective Moose, who smokes a corncob pipe while wearing a golden moose pin. MOOSE Moose is the name, alligator hunting is the game. Let's fry this lizard, even if it means frying my spoon. (MORE)
  • 21. 20. MOOSE (CONT'D) Sizzling mothballs, is that a samurai sword? At close range a sword can sever a gun with its mighty thorax. That alligator is sneaky, yeah real sneaky, like a chameleon hiding behind a juice box. MANHOOF My energy is the only bazooka I have left. I feel the boiling in my tongue, the pain blinking like a splash of cilantro. Brain Cancer Man cut me down to my squealing toes. MOOSE Whoa, slow down, crazy brain! Nobody's eating worm salad while I still walk, alright? Free me of my predicament, and then I'll tune your strings. Manhoof frowns. MOOSE (CONT'D) I can't just toss my corncob pipe to the wind and follow your randy eyebrows. The people around here need a stalwart sleuth on the trail of this walrus, so he doesn't rage kill another seafood diner stocked with innocents. Folks around here are like family. You wouldn't skewer your family and feed them to a psychopathic puddle sleeper, would you? MANHOOF What's the trail smell like? MOOSE Blueberries I'd have to guess. Whispers say that he's disguised himself in unreality. A HORROR NOVELIST claims to have seen him "skitter under the iridescent moon, the space rock splattered like oil upon tar" We should hear more from this architect of nightmares… before it's too late.
  • 22. 21. MANHOOF Lead the way, Detective. MOOSE After you, Detective. MANHOOF Here, ask this pinecone, because it knows better than I do where the hell we are going. MOOSE You should lead because you're exactly like that pinecone. Sometimes you must get lost before you can find what you are looking for. Then you'll grow up and become a beautiful evergreen. MANHOOF I can't hit a man who is crying. Otherwise I would loaf you right in the eyeball. MOOSE I'm crushing your bad habits and replacing them with the magic of intuition and creativity! Can you say creativity? Quick show me swirly cuts with that katana! MANHOOF My brain has more in common with the guts of a pumpkin than anything else at the moment. MOOSE Swing your arms in circles like a fan! I'm going to chuck some fruit at you, and you chop those bad boys in half. In slow motion, Manhoof dices a plethora of fruit. MANHOOF I do feel rejuvenated, even in my voice.
  • 23. 22. MOOSE An intrepid teacher such as I can reach even the most disfigured of learners. It's a technique I call… the rippling feathers of the aardvarkeagle hybrid. Manhoof punches detective Moose in the eye. EXT. DEEP WOODS Moose now has a black eye. MOOSE Wow, where are we? We could be in a baloney sandwich! MANHOOF We walk in the crispy woods… MOOSE Yeah, but why are we not jutting into the roaring pacific? MANHOOF Because I've been wandering around like a moron through the trees! MOOSE Shh! MANHOOF (whispering) What is it? MOOSE I'm hungry for tacos. Manhoof slaps Moose upside the head. MANHOOF Your lunacy belongs in a barrel. MOOSE Look, my peepers drop their drawers! Moose points at a house. MOOSE (CONT'D) That house is dastardly suspicious.
  • 24. 23. MANHOOF Why investigate a turkey? MOOSE We stumbled across this house, not any other. What are the chances of that? One in a billion? Sometimes the beetle just knows where to dig for beetle food. Can't you add numbers? I'm going to go knock on the block. You hide in the bushes with your big league cutting stencil. MANHOOF I have no idea of how to respond to that. MOOSE Good, if you're speechless, then you'll be real quiet. Moose knocks on the door. A squirrely man wearing glasses answer the door, DOCTOR HERBET FIELDS. HERBERT Why hello young lad. What's a rascal like you doing with such a fabulous corncob pipe? MOOSE Hello, sir! I am Detective Albert Moose, and I'm on the hunt for Alligator Man. This here pipe I won in a game of cards from a sasquatch! Do you mind if I step inside and juggle a few questions? HERBERT Of course not. I'm Doctor Herbert Fields, and I'm ever so pleased to meet you. VANESSA, we have quite the dapper guest! Could you please put on that coffee that smells like chocolate? You do like coffee, friend, hmm? MOOSE Only monsters don't drink coffee… Moose winks in the direction of Manhoof.
  • 25. 24. INT. RANDOM HOUSE Vanessa is the doctor's wife. Something looks a little strange about her. MOOSE So how long have you two lived in this box of air with the roof and the walls… and the secrets? Vanessa slurs her words when she talks. VANESSA A whole long time. MOOSE That's gripping, like the philosophical revelations of a goose. Herbert polishes his glasses. HERBERT My father built this house, hammering each nail with his gnarled mitts. Well, his brother contributed, too, the same way Stalin helped defeat Hitler. Stalin murdered more people than Hitler, you know. Let's just say my family worked together to erect this magnificent testament to man's dominance over the wild, just like Stalin eviscerated the Germans. Vanessa stares creepily at Moose without saying a word. MOOSE Well your father certainly did an immaculate job with the shingles. Nothing is going to leak through those porpoises! Wouldn't you say so, Vanessa? VANESSA Uh huh. MOOSE If you two had to say how long you've been married in a number of years, what letter would you say?
  • 26. 25. HERBERT Thirty-five, my esteemed visitor. MOOSE Wow, that's longer than I've been living on this blue orb we call Venus! Vanessa, where did you two first peer into each others' mouths and swear your amorous longitude? VANESSA Somewhere. MOOSE I see… Manhoof, seat your tremulous mustache inside! Moose stands up and points his gun directly at Vanessa. HERBERT What in the name of World War II are you doing? Manhoof kicks open the door with katana in hand. MOOSE Your wife is the Alligator Man. Can't you hear the warble in her gibber? She's masking a brute under that beefy slab of doughy stupidity. HERBERT She's sick to the point of devastation. She has cancer, you inconsiderate bums. MANHOOF Brain cancer? HERBERT Yes, how did you know? MOOSE Well, I'm green with embarrassment. Let's split this lemon stand, Manhoof. I'm sorry, old timer. If I had more time, I'd play a classic board game with you to mollify your agitated condition.
  • 27. 26. HERBERT You better be sorry, you pipe-smoking horse-slapper. You're worse than the two-timing Japanese. Manhoof notices a mountain of papers. MANHOOF Wait, do you etch words into paper? HERBERT Why yes, I write with the fervor of a virus! MANHOOF Do you melt horror throughout the white abyss? HERBERT Oh yes, I recently released a book called Dead Babies in the River. MOOSE A rather macabre title. I would have gone with The Naked Grapefruit and the Indoor Pool. Someone get that grapefruit a towel, am I right? HERBERT My title is as sparkly as the belly of a dreamcatcher. They drink from the river you know, and they drink the souls of the twinkle-toed moppets. MANHOOF I thought you practiced the skill of drugs… HERBERT When you've swallowed as many potatoes as I have, you'll understand my voodoo itch. Passions drift, so I slew my work and embalmed the boredom with exotic marinades. MOOSE Manhoof, what folly do you spread like butter upon already buttered biscuits? Moose gestures towards the exit.
  • 28. 27. MANHOOF Did you catch the Alligator Man under the "iridescent moon"? HERBERT Why, yes I did, and I was jolly prepared to lend my visions until your plucky friend here jiggled my wife. MANHOOF Reach for the chandeliers, Herbert, or should I say… Alligator Man. Manhoof ceremoniously unsheathes his glinting blade. VANESSA Oh noes! HERBERT Don't pound your already cracked helmet, you doe-eyed whippersnapper. MANHOOF Do you remember this scowl? I look like this when I'm about to beat the teeth out of a smelly dentist. Manhoof grabs his head in pain, and his nose begins to bleed. MOOSE Manhoof! Herbert transforms into Alligator Man, with the head of an alligator and the spandex covered body of a gymnast. He slams Manhoof to the ground and steals his samurai sword. His throws a flurry of strikes in the direction of Moose who dives for cover. Manhoof picks up a vacuum cleaner and slams Alligator Man in the back of the head. The katana swings in a full arc, and Manhoof ducks under the blade. Gunshots are fired, but Alligator Man rolls for cover and wildly flings the katana in the direction of Moose. It pierces Moose's chest, causing him to drop the gun. Alligator Man turns to viciously choke Manhoof.
  • 29. 28. ALLIGATOR MAN I won't let you get away. I'll hide and wait for you all day. I know that you have a child. I like that baby meat... It's mild. MANHOOF By what sorcery would you know that I have fathered a whelp? ALLIGATOR MAN The scent is like the flowery armpit of a mongoose. My nose has been enhanced with implants, Manhoof. I can smell the DNA on your breath. It crawls to me through the air and massages my palate. I hiss it through my jaws and spit it back onto my hands. I want to taste the panic on your chin. I want to know who you really are. Moose tries to reclaim the gun. Alligator Man chucks Manhoof into Moose. MOOSE (anguished) Look, I'm a pincushion crossed with a tombstone. Manhoof steps on Moose's chest to force the removal of the katana. Moose screams. MANHOOF Is Brain Cancer Man your best friend? Manhoof wildly swings the sword. Alligator laughs violently. ALLIGATOR MAN Once upon a time, I stole steroids for such a man, and he gifted me with mechanical enhancements for my eyes, nose, and ears. I can see, smell, and listen better than any other human, but you're no human are you?
  • 30. 29. MANHOOF I'm an alien named Detective Manhoof. I voyaged to this dreaded marble to scrub evil into glittery oblivion, but now I just want to decapitate any freak who ever tossed Brain Cancer Man a copper coin. Prepare for taxidermy, you ugly foot. The sword draws a gush of blood from Alligator Man's side. Sack people crash through the door and tackle Manhoof. SACK PEOPLE Turtles rack up massive debt on their credit cards… MANHOOF Unhand me, you traffic cones! Manhoof clutches his head as the pain surges again and more blood runs down his face. Alligator Man is gone. Manhoof pushes away the sack people to look around wildly outside. He sees no sign of the Alligator Man. He returns inside fuming. MANHOOF (CONT'D) If I were human, I'd be just like you, but I'm less than human. I'm an alien, so instead of quickly dying, I have to wake up every morning and die slowly. I don't want to do that. I want to die, now, like you. He hacks them to pieces as they talk, and blood sprays everywhere. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Go towards the light, you rancid dogs! VANESSA Are you ok? She gently caresses the face of Detective Moose, who is clearly not doing well from the wound in his chest. MANHOOF Where will the Alligator Man banish his failure?
  • 31. 30. MOOSE When an Alligator feels threatened, he retreats to the river. MANHOOF Suffering, like everything else in life, is temporary. MOOSE I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm having trouble breathing. I need medical attention. MANHOOF You're in gentle hands… He slaps Vanessa on the back then picks up Moose's gun. MOOSE I'm wading in a pool of my own blood, Manhoof. The ocean is red and endless, like the nightmares I had as a child… EXT. RIVER Manhoof frantically scans for Alligator Man. The Hooded Man appears close by. MANHOOF I'm shivering from blight. They walk a few paces, and then The Hooded Man gestures for silence. Manhoof raises his gun in anticipation. The Hooded Man points at a spot on the water. Alligator Man leaps forth, and Manhoof unloads a full clip. Gasping, Alligator Man points at The Hooded Man. ALLIGATOR MAN Your metal betrayal eluded my perception! Aren't you only a feeble songbird who cooks up doodads? The Hooded Man draws his knife. MANHOOF My treasure dwells behind the eyes.
  • 32. 31. The Hooded Man shakes his head. Manhoof stands between his dying foe and The Hooded Man. MANHOOF (CONT'D) I'm demanding with the crackling presence of a goat that for once you retire your pantaloons! The Hooded Man puts his knife away. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Mumble to me where the evil master sleeps, and I shall see to it that you endure. Gobble for me, creep, while I fondle your gizzard. Alligator Man laughs through the thick blood in his throat. ALLIGATOR MAN Loudly clang the putrid lies that shamble beside you in the fog. Can't you see that the folds of darkness are your own, extending from your suffering and suffocating all of those who detest your weakness? Manhoof's head begins to pound, and he sinks to his knees. THE HOODED MAN I am the Brain Cancer Man. He slits Alligator Man's throat. BRAIN CANCER MAN My hands are the key to your illness. I can amplify your mortality with but a twist of my wrists. While you are still bound by your will to live, I am clad in your terror and I am impervious to your hate. Brain Cancer Man rips the pineapple from Manhoof's pocket. MANHOOF Why do you submerge me in such agony? Bend my corpse into your throne and exterminate your weary foe.
  • 33. 32. BRAIN CANCER MAN Cancer slays quickly the human frame, but you hail from the unknown. Does my might pulverize even the flesh of an alien? I must know, for secret forces may someday descend upon the tranquillity I shall install across this plane. MANHOOF When you study my lugubrious frowns, do see only the blood of your erudition? BRAIN CANCER MAN Life must restart through the explosion of my majesty. All else is the foxy slither of the bat-winged usurper. Brain Cancer Man pulls his cowl back, and he laughs sinisterly, as he jams the pineapple into the folds of his robes. Manhoof sobs into The Hooded Man's shoulder. INT. RANDOM HOUSE Vanessa is sitting patiently by an unconscious Moose. The Hooded Man stands silently. Manhoof kneels beside Vanessa. MANHOOF The voice of your kindness will echo throughout the chambers of eternity. VANESSA Did you bring help, alien? The Hooded Man nods and bends down towards Moose. Moose rouses, and Manhoof moves closer to hear what he has to say. MOOSE Did you free the world from the hazardous alchemy of the Alligator Man?
  • 34. 33. MANHOOF We drowned him in a barrage of bullets and justice. Moose looks at The Hooded Man MOOSE Why did you bring the devil to my dissolution? MANHOOF Why do you rib me when dreary minutes consume your plasma? He will lead me to the Brain Cancer Man. MOOSE I am your son, Detective Manhoof. I am an alien like you, but your yellow beard has dropped me into the throat of obliteration. MANHOOF If I think the truth for more than a fraction of a second, I fret that I will dissolve under the harsh realization that I cannot save myself, never mind anyone else. Moose suffers from several spasms of coughing. MOOSE Back before I torched your memories, you commanded me to flee this wretched womb, but I defied you. MANHOOF You are the one who abolished my remembrance? MOOSE When he finds your remaining children, he will corrupt them. MANHOOF Why didn't you retreat to paradise? MOOSE I stayed to save you from yourself. (MORE)
  • 35. 34. MOOSE (CONT'D) The cancer does something strange to alien brains. Brain Cancer Man is watching you suffer to see if you die or become something more. MANHOOF You would have flayed my hands? MOOSE All of your children are ready to kill you should you feed the planet to death. MANHOOF I won't let you enrich the dirt with your minerals, not yet. MOOSE I'm already dead, like most matter in the cosmos. Blood runs down Moose's nose. MANHOOF Let me save your bones! MOOSE My head has no bones, only love for a weary father. Moose dies. The Hooded Man connects his sleeves and begins to mutter. Manhoof's world swirls around him as though he can see through time. Blinding colors assault him, and the sparkling of electric stars sunders his senses. Manhoof screams at the onslaught of overstimulation. Moose stands in a flash and rips the katana from Manhoof's hands. His face has become warped and nightmarish, and he wears a coon skin cap. He has become THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS He electrified me with life when you would not.
  • 36. 35. The Lord of the Woodchucks twitches. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS (CONT'D) I have become The Lord of the Woodchucks… The cancer tells me so… I must slaughter you before you bring about the interstellar darkness. Go invisible woodchucks and destroy the alien snake. Invisible woodchucks latch upon Manhoof's limbs, and Manhoof screams as blood pours down his arms across his hands. Vanessa screams as blood explodes from her face. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS (CONT'D) All who stand in allegiance with the acceleration of time must perish. Manhoof lurches upon the floor clutching at the invisible woodchucks, tearing at his flesh. MANHOOF I'm just a lonely, battered creature! THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS You'd soon become the clock, born to rip the Earth to shreds for the shadows of time. MANHOOF You too are an alien, like soup is a drink! THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS I love this planet and its animals, but you can't even love your own son. Manhoof stumbles as his head begins to quake. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS (CONT'D) You only care about your neon ambitions, wielding tyranny like ice. You must join the flightless sparrows… before you spread the robotic wings of oblivion. Merry bursts into the cabin soaked from head to toe in blood, wielding her gigantic scythe.
  • 37. 36. MERRY Albert, what the fuck is going on? THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS I am no longer Detective Albert Moose. I am The Lord of the Woodchucks. Brain Cancer Man has been shopping for you, sister. MERRY You're no brother to me, only blind evil spewing through the cavities of a vacant skull. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS My alien blood hosts the cancer. It surges through me like lightning. I have outgrown father, who lies disabled in the weeds. I am in charge, here, Merry, not some disease! Obey my laws of superior morality! Manhoof must die to prevent the cancer from slaughtering his weak frame and installing omnipotent hate in his flesh. MERRY You have been altered, and I can only fix you with blood. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS You diabolical foot! The Lord of the Woodchucks directs his finger with malice. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS (CONT'D) Go forth, woodchucks, and massacre the dubious invaders! Merry goes down under the force of the invisible woodchucks, clawing at her face. MANHOOF How many invisible woodchucks do you have? The Lord of the Woodchucks laughs madly. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS I can't count them. They're invisible, fool!
  • 38. 37. Steve bursts through the door carrying a bucket full of broccoli. STEVE My calculations led me to this buffet of moldy cheese. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS Steve, you dare mangle your brother with vegetables? Your arrogance even outstrips your father's. Steve hurls the broccoli onto the ground. STEVE Woodchucks count broccoli in their dreams. Lord of the Woodchucks lifts the bloody katana from the floor. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS Then you are no brother of mine. Face the furry wrath of the woodchucks! Merry stands to intercept the katana strike with her scythe. MERRY Death will cure your madness. MANHOOF Look, the broccoli is disappearing! The broccoli is beginning to blink out of existence. MERRY The woodchucks will soon cripple the broccoli and again hunger for meat! She arcs her blade towards the head of her enemy. The Lord of the Woodchucks catches her scythe by the shaft and then stabs with the katana, piercing her thigh. She backhands him in the face, and he stabs her in the gut. Manhoof fires his gun, and blood explodes from the back of The Lord of the Woodchucks. The broccoli continues to disappear.
  • 39. 38. STEVE Manhoof, save our family from the giant bark of disaster! MANHOOF I'm shooting the motherfucker, Jesus Christ! The gun clicks empty. Merry frees her scythe and plunges the blade into the gut of The Lord of the Woodchucks. MERRY And I'm chopping smiles, like a tiger. Vanessa tries to tackle The Lord of the Woodchucks. VANESSA Don't be afraid of yourself, dead man. Manhoof rushes over to Steve and pounds him in the head with the butt end of his gun. The Lord of the Woodchucks screams. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS The cancer! It gasps for air like a sneeze. The broccoli is gone. THE LORD OF THE WOODCHUCKS (CONT'D) Kill them all woodchucks, kill them all! Manhoof is thrown against the wall. The invisible woodchucks descend upon him, and he wails. The Lord of the Woodchucks punches Vanessa's face clean off her head. MANHOOF Vanessa, you brave fool! Merry tears the coon skin cap from her enemy's crown and swings her scythe at the pulsating tumors.
  • 40. 39. The Lord of the Woodchucks catches her swing again, so she jumps into his katana and tears at his brain with her teeth. He screams in agony. Steve unleashes a howl under the weight of countless invisible woodchucks. Suddenly, The Lord of the Woodchucks drops dead, and the invisible woodchucks are gone. Steve runs over the Manhoof. STEVE This gore is your shipwreck! A tear comes to Steve's eye. MANHOOF The smoke quivers in my starless joints. Steve gives an acerbic laugh. Merry puts her arm around Manhoof. Voices become distant and Manhoof begins to pass out. Blood runs out of his nose down his face. MERRY Let's explore joy, the three of us, and revitalize our despair… by force! STEVE What mania could soothe my wounds? MERRY The kind you can only buy in dreams… EXT. FIELD Merry, Steve, and Manhoof chase after a GORILLA. Merry is somehow no longer wearing her damage. MERRY Let's chase this gorilla! The gorilla beats his chest as he runs. Merry giggles. Manhoof stops and looks on incredulously. Steve jumps on the gorilla's back only to be playfully shaken off.
  • 41. 40. Manhoof starts to run, too. MANHOOF I'm going to get you, you silly gorilla. The gorilla grapples with Manhoof. The gorilla knocks Manhoof over and continues running. Merry tags the gorilla with her hands, but the gorilla keeps running away. MERRY He's so funny looking! STEVE And he's so fat. MANHOOF Let's surround him. Form a circle. Manhoof finds himself smiling. STEVE He's so fat. Manhoof launches himself at the gorilla at the same time as Merry. MERRY I love you, you crazy gorilla. The gorilla goes down under the weight of the two of them. He begins to wrestle them playfully. The gorilla steals Steve's wallet from the ground. STEVE He's got my wallet! MERRY What a zany gorilla. MANHOOF Hey, gorilla, you can't play with that. That belongs to Steve. The gorilla grunts and starts dumping out the contents of the wallet. Steve laughs.
  • 42. 41. STEVE I'm being robbed! MERRY Hey, Mr. Gorilla, can Steve please have his wallet back? He reluctantly hands the wallet back without its contents. MANHOOF He carries us with his brain… STEVE Yeah, gorillas think fast. Manhoof smiles again. MANHOOF I'll help you pick up your woodchips, Steve. INT. BEDROOM Manhoof wakes up in a cold sweat. Merry is still at the end of the bed. Manhoof is blanketed in dirt. MANHOOF Am I a favorable father, Merry? MERRY Yes. MANHOOF I dreamt of a radiant gorilla, clad in brilliance. MERRY I used to cuddle a stuffed gorilla. MANHOOF How fare your jinxed distortions? MERRY My leg has taken out a bank loan. MANHOOF Does Steve still rumble with vexation?
  • 43. 42. MERRY He is somewhere between miffed and roiled, but he will forgive you if you follow his lead. He wants to borrow the shroud of the forest until I recuperate. Then, we can together ambush your chemical foe, the Brain Cancer Man. MANHOOF I must invest all my fury into the demise of the Brain Cancer Man… I'll soon collapse and welcome fungus to my thinning lips. These bites have a gravity I cannot resist, so please spare me the love. MERRY Steve found a wise fixer who can shrink your tumors. MANHOOF Who is this enigmatic wunderkind? MERRY She hails from the Ukraine with a pocket full of wisdom… DOCTOR IULIA VOLK MANHOOF I've been shoved from the path I wish to tread too often. MERRY You are forever entangled in the brambles of family. We love you with our blood. MANHOOF Bury me in spiders then, and let the astronauts chew through the asphalt. I no longer have the body to resist. Merry reaches out and takes his hand. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Why am I covered in dirt? Did I do something wrong?
  • 44. 43. EXT. WOODS Dr. Volk has prepared a small platform where Manhoof lies flat. In her hands she holds a spoon and a butter knife. IULIA No God and no mercy: that is motto of doctors in my country. Without me, you sick and you die horrible screams. MANHOOF I'm not sure that quite makes sense. IULIA Who save you? Man in sky? No, woman with medical degree! MANHOOF From which hall of knowledge did you purchase your rafters? IULIA Not important. I'm in charge. I ask questions. STEVE She's familiar with the infinite, Detective. MERRY Steve plundered a fat asteroid to find her, Manhoof. IULIA Patient, where in head does hurt? MANHOOF Everywhere. IULIA Point, use hand. MANHOOF Here, here, and here, I guess. IULIA Next time, keep attention better. You make job difficult for doctor.
  • 45. 44. MANHOOF Yes, ma'am. IULIA No, use title! Show respect. MANHOOF Doctor… IULIA Assistant must clean and pass tools. Iulia points her finger at Merry. IULIA (CONT'D) Come quick. Use alcohol, clean. Do fast. MERRY Alright, I will buff them until they sparkle. STEVE I'm quite capable if you need me… IULIA No, stand there. Don't move. Don't make a sound. Iulia hands everyone a doctor's mask. IULIA (CONT'D) Here, take big sip. She hands Manhoof an unmarked bottle of a clear liquid. MANHOOF Is this vodka? IULIA Yes, three-thousand proof. STEVE That's not possible… IULIA Listen to doctor, not to boy. Drink! Steve throws up his hands in defeat.
  • 46. 45. IULIA (CONT'D) I sit on shoes very patient… Manhoof's eyes widen, and he starts drinking furiously. MERRY I'll watch over you with my scythe of animosity. Merry smiles. IULIA Give butter knife. Merry hands Iulia the butter knife. MANHOOF My brain is not a slice of toast. IULIA Is fine, no worry. Iulia beckons for Merry to come closer. IULIA (CONT'D) Hold still with fist. MERRY Don't I need a glove or some other widget of sanitation? Iulia glares at her. IULIA Keep in place! MANHOOF I'm having second thoughts. IULIA That's why I remove tumors. MANHOOF Abort those dirty figs! Iulia pulls off his hat to reveal an ugly clump of tumors. IULIA Punch here.
  • 47. 46. MERRY Punch or hold? IULIA Punch, quick. Do fast! Merry punches the tumors. Manhoof screams and passes out. IULIA (CONT'D) Good. You very smart, woman. Stay there. Iulia starts to scrape away at the tumor with the butter knife. IULIA (CONT'D) (To Steve) Take long walk.… This area is professional. Steve picks up Manhoof's gun and katana and wanders off into the woods. EXT. DEEP WOODS Sack people are parading through the woods, with an obese sea nymph named TUNA WHISKERS leading them. She has a mustache like Salvador Dalí, and a clump of mold grows on her face. TUNA WHISKERS Give big old Tuna Whiskers your energy, shucks. She begins to eat the FRAGILE SACK MAN. TUNA WHISKERS (CONT'D) We fatties are hungry for your delicious drink, muffin cakes. The other sack people stand brainless. TUNA WHISKERS (CONT'D) I am Tuna Whiskers, you brain addled sacks of idiocy, the obese sea nymph of the deep! Behold the vastness of my ravenous folds. She gobbles down the fragile sack man's brain tumor. Steve hides secretly from afar.
  • 48. 47. STEVE Experience the indomitable justice of my righteous alien fangs! Steve aims his gun at her and starts to sweat. TUNA WHISKERS Oh, hi darling. What are you doing aiming that cold stick at Tuna Whiskers? Have you got a problem with my cannibalistic death march? Mayhaps you need a stern beating from someone much larger and wiser than yourself. STEVE I'm lethally charged, like a polar bear. TUNA WHISKERS You should have shot me when you had the chance, sugar man. Tuna Whiskers done be slaked for some of that delectable violence. In the mist is where big old Tuna lusts for a showdown. It ain't so easy to purge a life! Tuna Whiskers points the sack people towards Steve. Steve brutally clubs them to death with the pistol. One explodes and splatters tumor juice all over his face. SACK PEOPLE Is that you, puppy, licking my salty tinfoil? He can't see. When he wipes his eyes clear, Tuna Whiskers is gone. Steve moans and falls to his knees. STEVE I'm projecting determination further than Manhoof could ever conceive. I'm not compromised by the whiff of death. He slips one of the sacks over his head and walks deeper in the woods.
  • 49. 48. STEVE (CONT'D) Wow, this thing smells like a tabernacle of fish. Steve pulls the thing off and retches. STEVE (CONT'D) Okay, maybe I'll don another leaf… He puts on another sack. STEVE (CONT'D) Only the fumes of an egg enthroned in shit… He wanders into the silence. EXT. MELTING FACE - DARKNESS Everything is black. The face of FUGUOSSS, the nightmare doppelganger of Manhoof, jumps into existence with frightening speed. It disappears again. He unleashes a guttural bellow. FUGUOSSS Welcome to the cancer, friends: land of the few, home of the dead. EXT. WOODS Steve sprints through the trees stumbling; he finally reaches camp to see Manhoof sitting upright. Steve's face shifts into a flat blood red triangle. He shrieks. STEVE I am becoming TRIANGLE FACE! Triangle Face's hands turn into forks. MANHOOF He's got a dangerous shape! Manhoof picks up a surgery spoon and lunges forward.
  • 50. 49. MERRY Neutralize all the bad with your dazzling hate! She winces as she leans on her damaged leg. Triangle Face shoots balls of blood out of his forks and Manhoof screams in pain as he falls flat on his face with red spraying all around him. TRIANGLE FACE I have evolved through the warhorses of Jupiter, father, and through crystal death… Merry picks up her scythe. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) Join me, sister, and prove that delusions have not yet hollowed your moral core. He points his forks at Manhoof's face. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) Bray, horse, whinny your cheeks, and show me your best mortality. MANHOOF Do you slay me because I have become the void? Merry decapitates Triangle Face in a single swing. IULIA I can't fix him now. Maybe five minutes ago… Manhoof wails. MANHOOF Where's my Saturday-night special? Deliver me from delirium and expunge my vision. Merry puts her arms around Manhoof. MERRY I will dash all your enemies upon the cliffs of zeal.
  • 51. 50. Brain Cancer Man approaches. BRAIN CANCER MAN You must let the cancer live. MANHOOF Why do you shatter my family with your insanity? He points his knife in the direction of Manhoof. BRAIN CANCER MAN Discomfort drains the filth from your battery so that compassion can again pierce the noise. The cancer purifies like molten gold. MERRY I can sterilize his lobes with but a flick of my crescent. Manhoof flaccidly rests his palm upon her shoulder, staring down Brain Cancer Man. MANHOOF Don't damage my moonchild, friend. BRAIN CANCER MAN Then you must surrender yourself to me so that I may snuff the feral snail that drools psychedelic hate in your hemispheres. IULIA Cancer is wonderful and happy now? I can't understand, sorry. MERRY Manhoof, your emotions are careless shouts at the parapets of a creep. BRAIN CANCER MAN With a more vicious cancer, I can recalibrate your gremlins. IULIA Don't trust yappy man. Illness is a bad thing. Triangle Face reassembles his head and stands tall.
  • 52. 51. TRIANGLE FACE A triangle never lies… Your dictators need a face-full of deliverance. He stabs Iulia to death. Merry screams, and Manhoof cowers. BRAIN CANCER MAN The depraved triptych walks? Triangle Face squirts blood all over Merry, who screams in agony. Brain Cancer Man puts his arm around Manhoof. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Do you care for the elixir, Manhoof? Brain Cancer Man, worried, extends his hand, and Manhoof waits. MERRY It's burning holes in my eyes! Manhoof, please! Manhoof accepts Brain Cancer Man's outstretched arm. Brain Cancer Man pushes a button on his wrist, and the two vanish. INT. BASEMENT Brain Cancer Man has Manhoof lain across a table. His tumors are exposed. BRAIN CANCER MAN The dark rapture has yet to join this layer of existence. Manhoof starts screaming insanely, as he exposes a monstrous mechanical device. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Yes, the cancer loves you like a mother. He plugs the device into Manhoof's open head. MANHOOF Unhand the scepter of construction! What death mice crawl upon my branches?
  • 53. 52. BRAIN CANCER MAN Cancer eclipse, melt this alien's brain. Brain Cancer Man screams as he grabs Manhoofs tumors with his free hand and light shoots from his machine. MANHOOF I'm afraid, Brain Cancer Man, that you might not have my best interests at heart. BRAIN CANCER MAN It's the only way, Manhoof, to escape the impending doom. MANHOOF Do you swear to lift me from the cancer's silence once my evil has been crushed? BRAIN CANCER MAN Yes, for I am a benevolent man and you are an amazing force of life. EXT. MELTING FACE - THE ABYSS Manhoof stands upon an edge, wind thrashing at his clothes. Brain Cancer Man stands beside him. Manhoof screams as he morphs into Fuguosss. Fuguosss reaches out with a gigantic hand, and it burns in the flames of eternity. It grasps a gigantic pineapple. BRAIN CANCER MAN You're in the Ghost World, Fuguosss. Rip the pineapple, the spiritual wizard that watches over us all. Fuguosss's mouth tears at the husk of the pineapple, and he wails. Whaleborg and Tuna Whiskers hold hands and smile at Fuguosss. WHALEBORG We've found love in this unholy swamp.
  • 54. 53. TUNA WHISKERS That's right, Fuguosss. Look at my sweet clumps of jelly. I'm plump, but he don't mind. You can't explain a barbed-wire sandwich, shucks. WHALEBORG By the grace of the piranhas, I grant you the first dance with my new wife. TUNA WHISKERS My hand is soft like a biscuit, Fuguosss. Fuguosss caresses the pineapple madly, like a baby. FUGUOSSS Life is a pineapple. Fuguosss screams. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) And my baby is dead! Alligator Man grabs the pineapple away. ALLIGATOR MAN Dead babies belong in the river… He dunks the pineapple deep into water. ALLIGATOR MAN (CONT'D) This is how we hide the evidence, like a leech sucking on your thumb. Fuguosss begins to dance with Tuna Whiskers. FUGUOSSS I want to vomit all over your face. WHALEBORG That's my wife you're talking to, Manhoof! TUNA WHISKERS Oh, the big alien's just nervous, shuck-a-ding-dong. FUGUOSSS Shuck-a-ding-dong… Shuck-a-ding-dong… Shuck-a-ding-dong…
  • 55. 54. BRAIN CANCER MAN You must terminate the pineapple! FUGUOSSS Where's my baby? My baby! BRAIN CANCER MAN Touch the translucent rainbow. It feels just like death. Merry reaches out. She's as large as a mountain, and lightning radiates from her body, as if she were a Tesla coil. WHALEBORG Carve the giant's heels! TUNA WHISKERS Show that hill how to eat mulch! Whaleborg screams as lightning fills his vision. Tuna Whiskers begins to hiss like a lizard and she screeches with a nails of the devil. TUNA WHISKERS (CONT'D) Behold my barking Tuna! She woofs like the devil again. She screams as lightning fills her vision. Brain Cancer Man laughs hysterically. Fuguosss plunges himself into the water, and his hand holds the mangled pineapple aloft. FUGUOSSS Someone help my baby! The Brain Cancer Man squishes two lemon halves into the eyes of Fuguosss. BRAIN CANCER MAN Let the lemons scald your throat! FUGUOSSS clutches at his throat. FUGUOSSS I'm pregnant, you boob!
  • 56. 55. He capsizes and sinks in the water, but Merry emerges where he was. BRAIN CANCER MAN Daughter of Fuguosss, return to your spaceship. SACK PEOPLE walk in the light of the moon and stars, and they all croon like wolves. Alligator Man starts to scream in terror and beheads them. MERRY I love my father more than the holocaust. The pineapple roasts in the thickness of flames. Fuguosss stares into the blaze. FUGUOSSS My baby is on fire! The sound of horses penetrates the distance. BRAIN CANCER MAN Your father is of the Titans, Merry. Fuguosss clutches his face and howls. FUGUOSSS All the parts of me are falling into death. BRAIN CANCER MAN He has become Fuguosss, the new fulminating king of despair. Fuguosss grabs Merry by the throat. FUGUOSSS You said you'd protect me from the fiendish bees. Merry gags from the squeezing fist. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) My rage is the new gospel. She falls limp.
  • 57. 56. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) I shall avenge the pineapple of the Ghost World, for it's my only child and savior. Merry sinks into the water. ALLIGATOR MAN A lonely face has pickled his jars with hearts so that he may again kiss his lovers. He raises his weapon. Fuguosss pounds Alligator Man into the ground, to steal his katana. FUGUOSSS The pineapple shrieks like this, as it tramples you back into the mud. Blood drips from the sword as Fuguosss holds it over his head parallel with the ground. With one mighty chop, Brain Cancer Man explodes in a mushroom cloud. INT. BEDROOM Merry's injuries have left her. Manhoof has grown an extraordinary amount of facial hair. Months have passed. MANHOOF A beetle lives behind my eyes, sawing at the nerves, and I cannot reach it… You must bury me with the insects so that they can never share your pain. MERRY Strength comes from your impulses, and your impulses come from the universe. Look upon the contours of time and space. They will thrust you into the proper future. MANHOOF I can't see anything but the demon bug, and it smiles at me with rotten lips.
  • 58. 57. MERRY If you cannot cut a path through steel, then steel will cut a path through you. MANHOOF I'm a sack of organs and blood, and I drip and leak and die each day. Manhoof's body convulses in a seizure. He holds his head as blood dribbles past his mouth. The world becomes unclear. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Give me back my eyes, Grabby. Those eyes don't belong to you! Merry holds him. Brain Cancer Man materializes. BRAIN CANCER MAN His brain continues to evolve, as the aesthetics of the universe are seen. MERRY How much longer must we falter in the thumbless valley of whispers? BRAIN CANCER MAN When it makes itself clear to you, you'll know its name. MERRY You don't plan on ever giving my father his touch back, do you? BRAIN CANCER MAN I'm sorry to say that I am no longer in control here, even though I hang on to the remote. MERRY What if I destroy Fuguosss myself? BRAIN CANCER MAN Impossible. No one can destroy Fuguosss.
  • 59. 58. MERRY If you're creative enough, you can even kill death. BRAIN CANCER MAN If I bind Manhoof to a vortex for long enough, Fuguosss will implode within a paradox of light. All we have to do is count the stars and keep still. MERRY Manhoof will decay until the infinite end. BRAIN CANCER MAN As punishment for his future transgressions! Merry extends her hand to Brain Cancer Man. MERRY I'll kill you to stop the cancer. BRAIN CANCER MAN If I die, the cancer will leave your father, and all the Earth will detonate in a fireball of your ignorance. Brain Cancer Man vanishes. MANHOOF He's in my nose, stirring with the salt of deception… Manhoof pulls her closer. MANHOOF (CONT'D) In the abyss, in the Ghost World, in the throne room where blood and dreams are one and the same. Manhoof's eyes look positively insane. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Life is the birth of a universe within itself. We're a reflection of everything. The truth is in our brains, and they're as rich as the stars.
  • 60. 59. Manhoof grabs Merry's face and screams. EXT. MELTING FACE - BEACH A very sick Manhoof leans on Merry. The world's colors are warped. MANHOOF The water is beautiful. You can see yourself when you were younger. MERRY Are we in your head? MANHOOF This is the edge of the womb. Three Whaleborgs emerge from the ocean water wielding chainsaws. MANHOOF (CONT'D) They're magnificent creatures. Look now, they're breaching. MERRY I've seen this before… MANHOOF It's the whale triptych… that's what they call it. MERRY Who calls it that? MANHOOF The painters… They see things that we can't. MERRY It's Whaleborg... How could he have escaped the bleeding tongue of justice? MANHOOF Magically acquire the brain loafs, Merry. MERRY What?
  • 61. 60. MANHOOF They'll feed the cancer. It hungers for your innocent soul. It wants to peel your skin from your veins and lick your tormented shouts. Tuna Whiskers hangs upon Whaleborg now in the water. They're passionately embracing. MANHOOF (CONT'D) The abyss is a pretty place. It's where ideas come from. Each grain of sand explodes within the force of a dream. Manhoof scoops up sand and lets it run through his fingers. MANHOOF (CONT'D) But there's nothing here anymore. Alligator Man stabs Manhoof from behind with a katana. ALLIGATOR MAN You should have left your dead baby in the river… MANHOOF Take this, Merry… Manhoof hands Merry Brain Cancer Man's knife. MERRY How? Merry takes the knife and watches a sword escape from her father's chest. ALLIGATOR MAN My gears turn to swing the blade of death. Do you know what set them in motion? MANHOOF A malignant dinosaur fart… ALLIGATOR MAN The weak make me eject my lunch upon the stove. Grabby walks onto the beach…
  • 62. 61. MANHOOF No one wants you, Grabby! GRABBY Do you know my desires, Manhoof? Merry freezes. MANHOOF Use your rage Merry… the rage. Alligator Man swings and chops the head off her father. ALLIGATOR MAN Horror will freeze your heart. Merry looks hard at Manhoof's dead eyes, and his face laughs with bitter tears. Alligator Man turns and runs to the water, but she gives chase. Whaleborg raises a toaster high above his head from the ocean water and swings it violently at her neck. She stabs Whaleborg once and hurls the toaster. It smacks Alligator Man in the jaw, and then she stabs Whaleborg to death. ALLIGATOR MAN (CONT'D) Your brother's never coming back, you know. I killed him forever. She kicks Alligator Man's katana out of the way and decapitates him. Tuna Whiskers is eating Manhoof's fallen corpse, but Merry looks away. Alligator Man's head washes to shore, and she removes her mask and puts on his. Grabby does an odd little dance. GRABBY Merry, I am your real father, meow. He gets on all fours like a cat and begins to purr. EXT. MELTING FACE - THE MIST Triangle Face stands over a crumpled Manhoof.
  • 63. 62. He scoops a handful of dirt into Manhoof's face. TRIANGLE FACE That's right, eat dirt, you maggot! Triangle Face flings more dirt in Manhoof's mouth. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) How about some more dirt with that? The mist swirls around them. MANHOOF Please, no more! He spits up some dirt. TRIANGLE FACE Don't you want to grow up big and strong? He shoves the dirt back into Manhoof's mouth. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) Or do you want to crawl around like a maggot forever? Merry wearing the alligator head and wielding the katana, steps through the mist. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) The implacable susurrus of a sister gently nibbles at my ear. Do you come to quench the storm with acid? Merry thrusts the katana into Triangle Face's chest, but it ricochets off the skin with a loud metallic thud. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) Think of it Merry, only joy, wrapped in the protective bars of painless nights. You could have it, too, like a Christmas present conveniently stacked at the cusp of your first conscious breath for all future days. Merry slams the sword against Triangle Face's head. MERRY My passions are my conscience.
  • 64. 63. TRIANGLE FACE She sounds so pathetic, doesn't she, Dad? MERRY Die, you infernal polygon! The sword clangs against Triangle Face's body. He stabs Merry, and she clutches at her wounded throat and collapses. TRIANGLE FACE No, you die. He kicks aside her fallen body and stares at Manhoof. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) Dig a hole. I'm going to bury you, like a star-crossed lover, crushed under the masochism of his own stupidity. Manhoof starts digging. He silently chips away at the hole. It grows and grows. Soon it is large enough for him to step into. TRIANGLE FACE (CONT'D) What are you waiting for? The water's fine, too warm for a great white but just right for a human. Manhoof does as he is told. Triangle Face starts kicking dirt on top of him. MANHOOF Just don't hurt my baby… Triangle Face throws a pineapple down into the hole. TRIANGLE FACE Take your stupid pineapple with you, human. MANHOOF No! My pineapple deserves better! Triangle Face shovels dirt into Manhoof's face.
  • 65. 64. TRIANGLE FACE Does your mammal mouth like the taste of dirt, or is it not salty enough? I could get more salt if that's what you really need. Triangle Face vomits salt onto Manhoof's eyes. MANHOOF I'm no human! I'm an alien! I'm your dad! Grabby materializes. GRABBY I've come to shield you with my filth. Grabby slashes at Triangle Face with Merry's katana. Her sword bounces off of him, and Grabby meows. GRABBY (CONT'D) I'm sorry my visit did not earlier disintegrate the mask. Triangle Face knocks the sword out of Grabby's hand and points his forked fist at Grabby's face. TRIANGLE FACE Do you spear me with speckled ambition, to embalm my seat of power before I've even tested its give? Triangle Face stabs Grabby in the eye with his hand, and Grabby shrieks. MANHOOF This is it pineapple… we're in the slam box… Manhoof chucks the pineapple, and Grabby catches it, like a football. GRABBY I can feel its beating heart, the blood of the pineapple. TRIANGLE FACE It's a bomb, just like our brains.
  • 66. 65. The pineapple explodes and consumes all but Manhoof, safe in his hole. He peers from his grave and seeing nothing but barren death, screams into the unforgiving mist. INT. GRABBY'S KITCHEN Grabby sits with Manhoof at a table. GRABBY You are under attack, and nonsense is the weapon: two forces, cancer and triangles, working independently, to shred your mind with dread. A fancy WAITER with a British accent begins to carve a roasted turkey. WAITER This turkey looks so delicious, doesn't it gentleman? I'm guessing everyone would like a generous helping of dark meat and a plate of apples, right? Cheerio, pip pip. MANHOOF Whose kitchen is this? GRABBY This is my house. It's where I raised Merry. Manhoof swallows hard. GRABBY (CONT'D) You had two sons, Manhoof, and that's it. I'm so sorry. The waiter brings Manhoof a plate of rotten apples. MANHOOF What were you going to do with the pineapple, when you first asked for it? Grabby purrs. The waiter comes over and scratches him, as if he were a cat. WAITER Right there, sir, or a little lower?
  • 67. 66. The waiter's hand strays dangerously close to Grabby's crotch. WAITER (CONT'D) Have you been a good kitty, sir? A very good kitty-cat? GRABBY Oh, yes, I have. Yes, indeed. He begins to glare hard at Manhoof. WAITER Even lower, sir? Manhoof stands up, knocking the plate of apples to the ground. MANHOOF I'm uncomfortable. WAITER Would you like a pillow, Detective? Manhoof looks befuddled. GRABBY He means for sitting on, meow. Merry is suddenly sitting beside Manhoof and Grabby. GRABBY (CONT'D) Good, now we are three. Merry looks bewildered. MERRY I was caressing the glow of a deeper dream, the kind where you run your hands through the mane of a lover. GRABBY The pineapple gave me the power to alter the universe. You are now my daughter, Merry, and I love you very, very much. Grabby takes a bite of the rotten apple. GRABBY (CONT'D) In my universe, even the rotten food tastes delicious.
  • 68. 67. MANHOOF Grabby, who was Linda, and why did she have the pineapple you wanted? GRABBY The Beef Wizard? That riddle must really tickle your johnson… MERRY Handle his circuits with more care. His brain has already been reduced to dust! GRABBY You will not disrespect your father like that, Merry. Now go to your room! She disappears. Grabby's cheery demeanor slowly turns into a scowl. Manhoof lurches and suddenly tries to stab Grabby with his fork. GRABBY (CONT'D) Moss tastes so exquisite. You should try it the next time you eat dinner with your sons. He holds Manhoof still by the neck and twists him onto his back on the table. GRABBY (CONT'D) Smoked with a side of porridge, that's how I'd like a plate. Grabby gestures towards the waiter. The waiter opens the fridge, and The Beef Wizard's dead body rolls onto the floor. Grabby hisses at Manhoof. GRABBY (CONT'D) Do you really want to know who she was, Manhoof? She was your wife, and you murdered her head with a bullet!
  • 69. 68. Manhoof screams, and Grabby drops his pants, laughing maniacally. INT. ALTAR OF DARKNESS Manhoof stands bow-legged, gripping his thighs, heaving for breath. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM fades in from the darkness, far wider than it is tall. It is impossibly large, and it hums with the noise of a gigantic washing machine. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM I am The Green Triangle of Doom, and I am the dominant brain in the universe, injecting myself into the veins of chaos, to protect the weak against the hostile forces of death. MANHOOF I want to save your sister. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM No, first you must return to the physical world and decimate the voice of the tyrant. MANHOOF You'll arm and armor me against the legionnaire of disease? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM I sacrificed my corporeal bib to ascend to the tower of noise, to banish the grotesque, and to install harmony across the clouds. Manhoof begins to sob with joy. INT. SHED Manhoof is cramped, looking balefully at a befuddled Brain Cancer Man. BRAIN CANCER MAN You perplex me with your uninvited apparition… He is wearing only underwear. Strange devices are strapped to his body.
  • 70. 69. MANHOOF You're strapped to a wolf pack of angry machines! Brain Cancer Man stands up. BRAIN CANCER MAN Get the fuck out of my shed. Manhoof punches him in the face. MANHOOF You gave me cancer! He begins to viciously slam his fist into Brain Cancer Man's nose. BRAIN CANCER MAN My cancer is king! How have you survived its reign of sleep? Brain Cancer Man pushes a button on his wrist. Blood trickles down Manhoof's nose and he winces. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Die, you evil spot! He keeps pushing the button, and blood streams down Manhoof's face. MANHOOF I am impervious to your cancer. Your only weapon has been fear. BRAIN CANCER MAN Cancer is more than fear! It makes you tired, and then you're supposed to die! Brain Cancer Man pushes a second button, and Manhoof screams holding his head. EXT. MELTING FACE - THE THRONE OF BLOOD - THE PARK Fuguosss sits upon a park bench. The birds chirp loudly. Beside him sits the gorilla. Brain Cancer Man appears.
  • 71. 70. BRAIN CANCER MAN You freed yourself from death, Manhoof, but you also killed your kids. You're Fuguosss now. FUGUOSSS Has this been my immutable fate, or did you just jam it through my brain? BRAIN CANCER MAN You're an alien, so I couldn't shave your soul like I did your face. You're not like the humans. FUGUOSSS This madness turned my blood to dust… BRAIN CANCER MAN What happens is inevitable. Fuguosss strips down to a man thong, armed with nothing but his fists. He assumes a boxing stance. Birds chirp pleasantly in the background. FUGUOSSS I want a fair fight, me and you, no horse gallops through the planetarium. Brain Cancer Man similarly steps back and strips down to just a man thong. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) If you're so sovereign, you should shatter my chin. Brain Cancer Man slugs Fuguosss across the face. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) Not bad for a prankster. Fuguosss delivers a punishing uppercut to Brain Cancer Man's jaw. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) We are riding your iron vessel of pain, Brain Cancer Man, but for some reason, I'm not sea sick. Brain Cancer Man picks himself up off the ground and slams Fuguosss hard in the abs.
  • 72. 71. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) Have you been exercising in a gym? Fuguosss drop kicks Brain Cancer Man back to the ground. He stands back so Brain Cancer Man can recover. BRAIN CANCER MAN The tumors aren't all gone. They tingle in my spine, yammering for their master. FUGUOSSS The cancer is as dead as your ability to twist open a bottle. Fuguosss karate chops Brain Cancer Man in the throat, then delivers a German suplex. Brain Cancer Man winces then grabs his back. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) The birds sound like rain, don't they? Fuguosss kicks Brain Cancer Man in the face when he is already down. BRAIN CANCER MAN When you reflect upon the death of your children, do your cheeks swell or your loins? Brain Cancer Man stands up and round house kicks Fuguosss in the groin. Fuguosss hollers then elbows Brain Cancer Man once in the stomach then judo throws him to the ground. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Why did you let them die, Manhoof? Were you late on your rent? Fuguosss performs several elbow drops onto Brain Cancer Man's back. Then he picks him up only to send him back to the ground with a backhand. Fuguosss clutches his head as his nose starts to bleed.
  • 73. 72. FUGUOSSS Do you force the tumors to stay, like a boring host? BRAIN CANCER MAN You just can't figure it out, can you? Your walnut has been stretched into an unnatural sphere of discordant plinks. Fuguosss sits atop Brain Cancer Man and begins to administer more backhanded slaps. Brain Cancer Man laughs sinisterly. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) It's all happening in between your ears, like the buzz of a car exploding backwards in time. Fuguosss shakes Brain Cancer Man by the collar. The bird chirping gets louder. FUGUOSSS Remove the thorn, human, or I'll channel the animals of vexation. BRAIN CANCER MAN If we focus our logic, we can steer ourselves towards the river of death. I am in command of my own pain and of the atrocious acts I refuse to perform. A rubber snake materializes in Fuguosss's fist. FUGUOSSS My eyebrows look like silkworms when I'm about to lacerate a stump. BRAIN CANCER MAN Is that a rubber snake? The snake cracks like a whip and a fantastically primordial noise can be heard as it strikes Brain Cancer Man's face in slow motion. Brain Cancer Man screams. The snake thunders again and again striking Brain Cancer Man in the teeth.
  • 74. 73. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Mother! The snake booms like a gong the size of all the oceans ringing. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) It's the golden knife! Fuguosss winds up real nice, standing now, flicking the head of the rubber snake with deadly accuracy at Brain Cancer Man's back. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Carry me through to the torrents of bliss. Brain Cancer Man goes silent, and his eyes roll back in his head. The snake smacks against his flesh with all the fury of the devil. FUGUOSSS You're still breathing. That means you deserve more snake. The gorilla appears and grabs Fuguosss by the back, pulling him off of Brain Cancer Man. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) What are you doing? You're supposed to be my servant. You've ruined my moment of triumph, gorilla. Brain Cancer Man isn't moving. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) Wait a minute… You're no gorilla. Who are you? The gorilla runs away. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) Come back here and obey your alien messiah! Fuguosss, still wearing his man thong, chases after him. EXT. FIELD The gorilla runs through the field, and Fuguosss chases him, scantily clad.
  • 75. 74. Whenever Fuguosss starts to catch up to the gorilla, the gorilla turns around and shoves his face away. FUGUOSSS I am the dark lord of the cosmos! Deliver me your secret, you bloated sack of fur! The gorilla finally reaches a river and stops. He turns around to face Fuguosss. Iulia lies dead in the river. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) What is Dr. Volk doing here? You answer me now, you banana-eating imposter. Fuguosss approaches to lift off the gorilla's head. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) Just who are you? He removes the gorilla mask only to see a pineapple where the head should be. Fuguosss screams in horror. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) Why won't you let me be, pineapple? Fuguosss falls to his knees. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) What does this have to do with Iulia? The gorilla's hand offers Fuguosss a banana. FUGUOSSS (CONT'D) My brain hurts! Damn you, pineapple! Damn you! Fuguosss accepts the banana and begins to eat it. The gorilla puts his head back on and sits by Fuguosss, draping his arm around the alien's shoulder. INT. BASEMENT Brain Cancer Man stands over a still Manhoof lying upon a table
  • 76. 75. BRAIN CANCER MAN Peace grows like a lampshade in the desert. Manhoof sits up, his facial hair extremely long. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) I've removed your tumors. You have your memories back, and my power can no longer rub you like a cactus. MANHOOF Have my children suffered a serious bout of epilepsy? I can't feel them with my toes. BRAIN CANCER MAN They're all dead, may they rest in the liquid of the grave. MANHOOF You should have just gutted my figure and let the kindling burn. BRAIN CANCER MAN You were afraid of yourself, so you allowed your children to drink from the big horn of death. MANHOOF I need to pay with my weight in scars. BRAIN CANCER MAN You would have been a very bad alien if it weren't for my stellar guidance. MANHOOF I know not a compass that grows from my chin. The direction is lost upon the walls. Now, I don't know where to push back. BRAIN CANCER MAN The open door will welcome you with a hug. Manhoof walks out and looks outside at the world around him. It is rotten with suffering and pain.
  • 77. 76. Brain Cancer Man stands before a legion of sack people, moaning with irrepressible weakness and shrieking with confused fatigue. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) I gave the whole planet cancer, Manhoof! Every single living creature will soon mate with the heft of my curse! I will be the first being of a stronger Earth, free of the temptations of pain. Manhoof touches his whole head in shock. MANHOOF Do I have the cancer, again? BRAIN CANCER MAN Yes! I never removed your cancer, you blubbering ass! Manhoof grabs his head as the blood begins to flow, and he screams. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Someone always has to be in control, for the good of the witches of the sky. Find a way to enjoy the cancer, drink it like a beverage. It's not so bad once you accept the gift. Manhoof screams as the blood begins to flow faster. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Pain is the elk of the bone. I find shopping for cats utterly obnoxious. Who knows, maybe shopping for cats is more painful than having a tumor! We are all in equal pain, here, so let's not mince ammunition. MANHOOF I trusted you, with the saucers of a lamb. BRAIN CANCER MAN You trusted me because you are passive.
  • 78. 77. MANHOOF Is there really a future where I become Fuguosss and savage all life under my appetite and brawn? BRAIN CANCER MAN No, there has only ever been one sovereign of expiation, one messiah of skullduggery, one fiend of madness. Manhoof clutches his head again as blood pours forth from his nose. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) I, Brain Cancer Man, harbinger of the wandering mountains, slayer of the spirit, I exist before you unscathed, unimpeded by your impotent hammerings at my fortress of pestilence. Manhoof begins to walk away… BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) Where are you going? Manhoof! You should at least say goodbye! Don't you want to know more, to fill your brain with the lessons of the whip? I can say without much pollution that I am a scholar, and a beggar such as yourself can always afford to learn more. He lets out a sinister laugh. Sack people are deranged and sick, falling all over themselves. They pollute the Earth. Manhoof steps over bodies as he walks. He moves in slow motion, as if he were floating, his eyes swollen with loneliness. A SAD SACK PERSON falls into Manhoof's arms, and Manhoof catches him. SAD SACK PERSON Brain Cancer Man told me the cure could be found if I flossed. MANHOOF We're both going to die with the stone of dust stretched across our sleeves.
  • 79. 78. SAD SACK PERSON Forgive me, friend, for not making any sense. The sad sack person tries to raise a sharp pointy stick, but instead collapses to the ground. Manhoof sits with the sad sack person as he convulses and slowly dies. All is silent. As a tear rolls down his cheek, Manhoof removes his hat out of respect for his new friend, and all of his tumors fall out. He slumps to the ground, dead. EXT. STREET A lone BRICK sits upon the sidewalk in the street light. Manhoof stands. Everything is eerily quiet. BRICK I am the light, yea. MANHOOF Who is there? BRICK Look down, for I am humble, yea. MANHOOF Are you that brick? BRICK Not just a brick, yea. MANHOOF Am I dead? BRICK Yes, yea. MANHOOF Can I see my kids? BRICK They're no longer here, Detective. MANHOOF Where are they? BRICK I am not all knowing, yea.
  • 80. 79. MANHOOF What am I doing here? BRICK You know those robots that automatically clean your floor for you? I'm a celestial version of that. Dead people come through here and I hose them down, so to speak, yea. MANHOOF So this is like a trip to the car wash? BRICK A celestial car wash, Detective. MANHOOF Clean me up then, Brick, because I'm a mess. A comfortable chair appears. Manhoof sits down. BRICK What do vegetables taste like, Detective? MANHOOF Excuse me? BRICK Answer the question, yea. MANHOOF Name some vegetables, and I'll tell you what they taste like. BRICK Corn, yea. MANHOOF Corn tastes kind of sweet and innocent. BRICK Are you sweet and innocent, Detective? Manhoof throws the chair down. MANHOOF What is this all really about, huh?
  • 81. 80. BRICK I've never eaten a vegetable, so I'm very curious, yea. MANHOOF It sounds like you're some kind of celestial prisoner… BRICK I am a slave to the heavens, yea. MANHOOF Wow, I'm sorry. BRICK How does lettuce taste? MANHOOF It's kind of crunchy. I know I'm not doing it justice. It's sort of a cross between eating a big leaf and a cucumber. BRICK How does a big leaf taste? MANHOOF Papery, I imagine. I've never actually eaten a leaf. Woodsy, probably, but lettuce doesn't taste woodsy or papery. BRICK How is eating lettuce like eating a big leaf then? MANHOOF I feel like an idiot. To be honest, I don't know. The comparison seemed apt at first, but now I'm not so sure. BRICK How does lettuce taste like a cucumber? MANHOOF They're both kind of damp and crunchy, the lettuce less so than the cucumber. Lettuce has less flavor than a (MORE)
  • 82. 81. MANHOOF (CONT'D) cucumber certainly, but lettuce takes on the flavor of things you eat it with better than a cucumber does. BRICK Thank you, Detective. I shall permit you to ask me any one question, and truthfully I must answer, yea. In this moment, I am omniscient. MANHOOF Where are my children? I want to see them again. BRICK In the abyss, gone forever, yea. MANHOOF Can you put me back on Earth? I'll repopulate. BRICK How, Detective? MANHOOF I don't know, but I'll find a way. BRICK Very well, yea. MANHOOF Wait, would you like to go with me? BRICK I would be delighted, Detective! Manhoof stuffs the brick in his pocket. INT. MELTING FACE - THE ARENA - THE BASEMENT Brain Cancer Man sits in the dark in a chair. Manhoof appears. BRAIN CANCER MAN Your chest blooms with the tears of a crazed walrus. I can see the purple undulations from here, anxious underneath your illicit drab. I had (MORE)
  • 83. 82. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) hoped to finally cast aside my worries, pinching my lids and generally distracting myself from the whir of explosions, but you had to expose me once again to your grimacing slime. MANHOOF I have come to plagiarize your violence and publish it in your throat. BRAIN CANCER MAN You are the aircraft carrier of cancer, spilling tumors with each step, stapled to the heftiest mass of pain I could conjure. How have you not been interred in death for all time? MANHOOF My true purpose is a furnace of angels. BRAIN CANCER MAN It took you long enough to spin your wretched folly into a few threads of courage. Do aliens always hide under the kitchen table when they see so little blood? Manhoof slams Brain Cancer Man in the face with his fist. Brain Cancer Man pulls out his knife and begins furiously throwing chops in the alien's direction. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) I cloned your toy in my laboratory of pain. Brain Cancer Man holds the rubber snake in his offhand. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) I'll strike you with the rubber snake until you submit, and then I'll murder you with cancer, to prove without any gaps of faith that I am the dominant being on this planet. The snake furiously whistles as it snaps at Manhoof.
  • 84. 83. INT. GRABBY'S BEDROOM Merry is badly beaten, and she's shaking under the blankets on the bed. Grabby enters, wearing a shirt but no pants. He meows. GRABBY I love you so much dear daughter. He climbs under the sheets and begins to caress her bleeding face. He whispers into her mouth. GRABBY (CONT'D) Did you miss your daddy? He grabs her face hard. GRABBY (CONT'D) Daddy's right here. He kisses her with hate. GRABBY (CONT'D) He's kissing you to make it all better. INT. MELTING FACE - THE ARENA - THE BASEMENT The snake cracks again, this time slapping Manhoof in the eyes. A boom sounds, and Manhoof screams. Brain Cancer Man follows up with a thrust from the knife, but Manhoof catches his stabbing arm and punches Brain Cancer Man in the gut, staggering him. BRAIN CANCER MAN No one can forever withstand the throbbing rubber snake. The snake screams as it connects with Manhoof's head sending him flying to the floor. Manhoof fishes in his pocket for the brick and uppercuts Brain Cancer Man. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) What are you doing carrying around a brick? Brain Cancer Man hacks with his knife but Manhoof blocks the blade and sends Brain Cancer Man flying back with a kick.
  • 85. 84. Manhoof punches Brain Cancer Man in the head with his brick grip. MANHOOF I'm going to spread your brain all over the wall, like I'm preparing a bagel for breakfast. A retaliatory whip from the snake sends Manhoof flying. BRAIN CANCER MAN Mother wouldn't approve of such chicanery. MANHOOF Your parents must have regularly fed you pigeon heads and rocks. Manhoof clobbers Brain Cancer Man repeatedly in the shoulder with the brick until he crumples to the ground. BRAIN CANCER MAN How did you come back? MANHOOF This brick. Manhoof pounds a crippled Brain Cancer Man across the face. BRAIN CANCER MAN We share something in common, you and I… Manhoof halts his assault to listen. BRAIN CANCER MAN (CONT'D) I'm your son, Manhoof, your last living son. INT. GRABBY'S BEDROOM GRABBY Your youth is intoxicating, a lily pad wrapping itself around my waist. Maybe you could make me young again and burn away all the years I don't need. You could reach through the heat and fold my wrists, packaging up the meat and hauling it back to the vaults of rejuvenation.
  • 86. 85. He bites her lip and she squeals. He pushes her down and begins punching her in the head. GRABBY (CONT'D) Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! The waiter pokes his head in. WAITER Everything okay, sir? GRABBY Merry is just a little fussy about her cauliflower, nothing new. We were having a debate on the merits of the vegetable, when I rather insistently demanded that its high vitamin content is what makes it superior to carrots, her favorite side dish. WAITER Cheerio. Pip pip. He closes the door. GRABBY Embarrassment crackles across my skin. I may as well have embedded my shoulder in the socket. Leave me electrocuted and you won't have even the memory of a father, just a blank sheet of paper waiting for your scribbles. He meows and scratches his long scraggily beard. She slams him in the chest and screams, but he quickly straddles her and begins to yawn like Satan, an evil mist of sparkling fury projecting from deep inside his mouth. It silences her as it passionately engulfs her in its gloom. MERRY (disoriented) I'm in a box! It's a box make of fingers, and they're all pointing at me.
  • 87. 86. He begins to vomit all over her, and nothing can be seen through the steam. She gurgles, and we can hear the sound of acid melting flesh. INT. MELTING FACE - THE ARENA - THE BASEMENT BRAIN CANCER MAN I love you, Daddy. I'm sorry I've been such a bad boy. Manhoof smashes Brain Cancer Man in the head violently and repeatedly with the brick. Blood flies everywhere, and brains spray all over the stone walls. Manhoof steps back to examine his handiwork. MANHOOF Ominous and feral scraps of a once living being lie before me, Brick. BRICK He looks dead, yea. MANHOOF Am I a despicable pizza who has been cooked for too long? BRICK In the end, God murders us all. MANHOOF I'll offer my nerves, as a sign of my turmoil. There has been nothing disingenuous in my cuts. BRICK I'll return to my celestial servitude, yea, now that you no longer require my counsel. MANHOOF Thanks for giving me another chance, Brick. BRICK You're welcome, Detective. The brick vanishes. Manhoof looks around uncomfortably. He slices off Brain Cancer Man's face and wears it like a mask.
  • 88. 87. MANHOOF Are there more of you waiting for me in the sky? He laughs hysterically and anxiously, twitching with anxiety. EXT. RIVER A serenely calm Manhoof wades into the river… All life but him is gone. MANHOOF Alligator Man knew that the dead babies were in the river… He pulls out his gun. MANHOOF (CONT'D) All blood returns to here. He inhales deeply and quivers. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Separate me from my weakness and pain and bury me with my love. He hesitates. MANHOOF (CONT'D) My body has served its purpose. He fires the gun into his head, and red fills the blue. INT. GRABBY'S KITCHEN Merry looks physically unharmed, but her will to live is utterly extinguished. The waiter brings her a plate of shit. WAITER The special of the day! Would you like some tea with that? Flies buzz around the shit. GRABBY Tea loves us, doesn't it Merry? WAITER Pip, pippity, pip!
  • 89. 88. Grabby walks up behind her and licks the side of her face. GRABBY My sperm made you. Now, eat your food. He aggressively positions himself behind Merry and controls her arms, making her hands pick up the silverware. INT. ALTAR OF DARKNESS Manhoof stands before THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM, without a hat, his tumors plainly showing. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM You are synchronizing your habits with the patterns of The Green Triangle of Doom. Thank you, Manhoof, for purging the intolerable dissonance of our sinister oppressor. Manhoof is deep in thought. MANHOOF My return signaled unfortunate ruminations in your disembodied brain, did it not? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM My power is limited by the boundaries of my shape. MANHOOF Reveal to me the secrets of The Beef Wizard! THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM Although I detest machine gun repetition, I will generously reiterate this for you once more: my power is limited by the boundaries of my shape. MANHOOF Is Brain Cancer Man dead forever? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM Yes, I am now solely in control of rebirth and revival.
  • 90. 89. MANHOOF I'd like to see Merry. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM That action is forbidden. MANHOOF Don't you care about the well-being of your sister? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM Grabby and I have established an alliance, to maintain peace despite the nefarious grip of entropy in The Ghost World. MANHOOF You're the worst of all of them aren't you? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM You haven't the slightest clue as to what I am. MANHOOF You're still Steve, aren't you? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM I am The Green Triangle of Doom. MANHOOF Steve, cut the bullshit and let me see your sister! THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM There is only green. There is only triangle. There is only doom. Manhoof pulls out his gun. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM (CONT'D) I will erase you from existence, Manhoof. Structure is the only way life can continue to prosper in a hostile universe engorged with chaos. You must learn from your mistakes and turn, like the wheel of magic and death.
  • 91. 90. MANHOOF What on Earth have you been trying to teach me? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM That your actions have consequences! MANHOOF She's strung from the line of the torturer, isn't she? THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM You have maligned the future with your impulsive, jutting words. We all must slice off a chunk of our bodies to placate the majesty of survival. MANHOOF You irradiated your own sister's eyes with blood! THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM There was only one path to becoming The Green Triangle of Doom, and it necessitated that I kill a member of our family. The Green Triangle of Doom mockingly sobs. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM (CONT'D) I sincerely regret the required deletion of that redundant segment of my genetic information. INT. GRABBY'S KITCHEN GRABBY Guess what I ate last night… He saws through the shit with the knife, cutting off a small piece. GRABBY (CONT'D) I said guess, meow! He pushes her out of the chair and kicks her in the crotch. GRABBY (CONT'D) What did I eat for dinner last night, Merry?
  • 92. 91. MERRY Fajitas… GRABBY Did you see the red pepper? MERRY I was there, Dad, don't you remember? Grabby smiles, and then it turns into a wicked frown. GRABBY Of course I remember, you fucking cunt. He grabs a fork with the shit hanging off and then kneels down beside her on the ground. GRABBY (CONT'D) Open wide for the airplane! He makes airplane noises with his mouth as the shit fork gets closer to her face. GRABBY (CONT'D) It tastes just like chocolate, if you only use your imagination. INT. ALTAR OF DARKNESS Sack people appear out of the darkness and begin to touch Manhoof's tumors. He screams in pain. MANHOOF You distort my mind with your convulsions of power. Inside, I'm becoming the broom, with the gusts of an inferno, drenched in the granite of the killer. Alligator Man walks out with Tuna Whiskers, Whaleborg, Grabby, and The Beef Wizard. MANHOOF (CONT'D) Linda? She holds Brain Cancer Man in her arms, as she sobs. The giant triangle can be seen shimmering in the background.
  • 93. 92. THE BEEF WIZARD He was your son, too. Why did you have to snap your cruelty against his soft skin? You shrunk his prospects and encased him in a bitter cage of smoke. The Beef Wizard clutches Brain Cancer Man's knife and begins to slash at her flesh. Blood dribbles from the cuts. THE BEEF WIZARD (CONT'D) You cannibalized our child! Whaleborg clubs Manhoof in the side of the head with a toaster. The Green Triangle of Doom laughs madly. Grabby meows as he pins Manhoof and chokes him. GRABBY Your daughter and I have been reading about the American Revolution. Tuna Whiskers begins to kiss Whaleborg passionately, and Grabby continues to choke Manhoof, whose eyes bloom with realization. MANHOOF You hate your father, Steve. It's as simple as that. Moose's dead body appears, and Alligator Man straddles it. Looking Manhoof unflinchingly in the eyes, he slowly begins to hump. INT. GRABBY'S BEDROOM Merry's mouth is smeared with shit. She's naked in bed, and Grabby is touching her face while still wearing his shirt. GRABBY In my universe, we can make love until your vagina falls off. I can screw it back on. It'll work like new. We'll repopulate the Earth, Merry. We'll have billions of descendants, and they'll reign supreme from their seat amidst the stars. Merry screams, and Grabby holds her face still as the darkness shimmers in his mouth, and he vomits in her face and down her throat.
  • 94. 93. GRABBY (CONT'D) What should we name him Merry? Can it be Aldon? I've always wanted a boy who can smell the buffalo, buffalo breeze. INT. ALTAR OF DARKNESS Manhoof points his gun at his own head and pulls the trigger repeatedly. He keeps his eyes slammed shut in anticipation, but no bullets exited the gun, even though it sounded as if they should have. Alligator Man sits obscured, with a large bone between his teeth like a dog. MANHOOF Fuck you, Steve! Manhoof receives repeated slaps from Grabby who is sitting on top of his chest. Manhoof howls with an insane ferocity and turns into the gorilla. He hurls Grabby off of him and then gouges out Whaleborg's eyes. TUNA WHISKERS He had such pretty orbs for eyes... The gorilla rips off her head, and hurls it at Alligator Man who explodes. He then stops to look at Linda hugging her dead son. THE BEEF WIZARD You gave me the cancer, Manhoof. Do you find me ugly now, like a wart protruding from the sadness of a crying toad? Do I look diseased to you, torn to blood and blown across the cobwebs of hideously dry pus? He pauses for a brief second, then decides to punch her to death. He then raises Grabby above his head, and off-screen tears him in half. The sound of his flesh ripping is punctuated by a close up on the gorilla's eyes as he howls with rage. The gorilla looks upon The Green Triangle.
  • 95. 94. GORILLA I FEEL ONLY RAGE! The gorilla stretches his hands outward, twitching spasmodically. The Green Triangle of Doom shrieks like the sound of nails on a chalkboard and detonates with the fury of a thousand nuclear bombs. GORILLA (CONT'D) I FEEL ONLY RAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGE! INT. GRABBY'S KITCHEN The gorilla appears, looking the frightened waiter in the eyes. GORILLA I FEEL ONLY RAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGE! The gorilla tries to grab the waiter, but the waiter blocks and knocks him down. There is brief moment of silence as the gorilla gets up. The waiter adopts a martial arts stance. GORILLA (CONT'D) MORE RAGE!!! The gorilla punches the fuck out of him, and his blood explodes all over the kitchen. INT. GRABBY'S BEDROOM Merry is naked in bed. Grabby is spooning her, and they're both sleeping. The gorilla slams open the door, waking them both. GORILLA HAVE SOME RAGE!!! The gorilla picks Grabby up and slams him onto the floor, then stomps his cranium to pieces. Merry cautiously removes the head part of Manhoof's gorilla suit and then hugs him passionately. Manhoof looks shell shocked, and Merry can no longer see any intelligence in his eyes.
  • 96. 95. MERRY I'm so sorry. The gorilla was never supposed to be real. MANHOOF I choose what's real, Merry. MERRY I'm sorry, Dad! MANHOOF I choose what's real! EXT. BEACH Merry stands alone holding Manhoof's hat, and people are swimming in the water. A giant green triangle hovers from deep beyond the ocean and the sky darkens. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM Death awaits all who oppose The Green Triangle of Doom. A single tear rolls down Merry's cheek, and The Green Triangle of Doom laughs with irrepressible malice. Merry experiences a flashback, seeing the gorilla standing on the rock, howling at The Green Triangle of Doom as it floats against the sun. The gorilla bursts into a fireball, and the charred corpse falls lifeless to the beach. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM (CONT'D) There are no more gorillas allowed on the beach. The Green Triangle of Doom's words echo across the hissing waves. THE GREEN TRIANGLE OF DOOM (CONT'D) There are no more gorillas allowed on the beach… There are no more gorillas allowed on the beach… There are no more gorillas allowed on the beach…
  • 97. 96. Merry screams with rage. FADE OUT.