1. Age Is Just A Number But Monkeys is pretty damn high
2. Happy 60th Birthday!Some of our favorite meories of you, you oldass Silverback!
3. You can take theMonkey out ofBrooklyn...But you cant takethe Brooklyn outof the Monkey.
4. Though a silver back, the hair wasn’t as silvery as others.The Keenan brothers constantly got the best of Monkey, one time alternatingpummeling him and rubbing snow in hisface. Thinking his mother would coddlehim, she only yelled at him for losing the fight.
5. Those Keenan boys....A pinky ball may look soft butMonkey knew to get out of the way of one when tossed by acreature with such an affinity for tossing poo.Unfortunately, the clever Ray Keenan snapped off curveballs making Monkey look foolish repeatedly.
6. Had it not been for the elder Keenan (Tommy),... Monkey would have ruled his neighborhood inFlatbush. Alas, Tommywas there and Monkey got thrown from the top of the coal pile.
7. Naivete has always been a part of his Monkey ways. Chanting “Blacky!Blacky! Blacky!” hadeverything to do with the dark-coloredhorse and nothing todo with the driver of the coal cart. Thats not Amy!
8. Don’t mess with a monkey’s territory. Moreso, never mess with the territory of Jack the ice cream man. Monkey and friends hurled crackerballs at Mr.Softee, hitting him inthe head. From thenon, his head was a bit softee.
9. Monkeys fight injusticeMonkey yelled atNana after she hit him with thewrong side of the belt.
10. Romancing the Guinea!
11. The Meeting Little known to scientists until the 1970s, monkey mating rituals begin with becoming a spectacle and embarrassing the object of hisaffection. That’s why no one can blame Monkey for sliding across a cafeteria table and kissing moms male friend.
12. Americas Most Wanted Monkey?Monkey couldn’t drawhis poop-filled handfaster than a cop couldjack him up against acar. It was a DWM(Driving WhileMonkey), profiled asbeing a murderer.
13. Monkeys hate monkey stereotypesThat’s why Monkeypretends to becultured. This desiretook a wrong turnwhen Monkey tookmom to see Schindler’sList on Valentines Day.How’d it go? He doesn’t want to talk about it.
14. Monkey mustve missed swimming!!!How else do youexplain the bikini-styleundies he would wear?(The bigger mystery iswhy that’s one of Paul’smost outstandingmemories of Monkey.)
15. Larger than the average human,Monkey can’t outdrink a 5-foot-nothing Italian girlMonkey passed out withmom after drinking a bottleof rye. Mom woke and knewMonkey had drowned andpeople searched for him in anearby pond. The story ofMonkey and the Italian maystill be apart of Fairfield U.lore, except the storyincludes a streaking,shrieking woman.
16. Marking his wifes territory Monkey can’t afford to buy a lighthouse for his penis-shapedstructure-obsessed wife. He goes amore primal route, peeing on each he visits.
17. Driving within the lines, like being correct, bores Monkey That’s why herolled over rumble strips like adaytime drunk on the way TO a vineyard just to annoy mom.
18. Monkey Rearing
19. Transformers (Damborners)Monkey pulled a slickmove, so he thought,when he bought one ofthe hottest toys of the1980s for two hourspay. It was great untilPaul discovered it didn’ttransform.
20. Poop Issues Shortly after high school-aged Paul blamed adonut for shitting himself and continued to play basketball, Dad rescued him. Paul’s shitty underwear may still be on that campus. If not, that landscaper deserves a raise. (Paul wrote,‘Saving me after I pooped myself.’ I just pickedone of multiple times that happened in the ‘can control his bowls era.’
21. Potty Time BattlesAt 60, Monkey may bethe oldest little kid inthe world. Will shouldprepare to play StarWars with light saberpee streams, a Conlinfamily custom.
22. No Opposable Thumbs UpHasty decisions aren’tuncommon withmonkeys. Monkeydecided to rent ‘NinjaKids’ from ApplauseVideo for his two sonswho had a combinedage of 21, the age somestates require to watchpornography.
23. Another Movie MishapMonkeys have theburden of too muchknowledge andmistakes are volitional.That’s the onlyexplanation for takingtwo young sons to see‘Empire of the Sun’instead of ‘Batteries NotIncluded’ but making itup with bowling.
24. Homeworks a PIAMonkey demandedwriting clarity on parwith his ability anddestroyed essays withedits that took longer tomake than it took to writethe first draft. (Suck this,Monkey. This sentencewas written in the passivevoice by me.)
25. Dukes of FairfieldSafety standards werelax in the 1980s, that’sthe only way to explaintwo children allowed toride in a Gremlin.Monkey upped the antiby imitating the Dukesof Hazard in the TunxisHill Park lot. I wish hewore daisy dukes.
26. Nautical Challenges
27. Hard DiveExperience with waterisn’t enough to slow anexcited Monkey. As aninflatable raft floatedastray, Monkey doveafter it and met thehard reality of theToddy pond floor.
28. Fish FoodOne of many nauticalmisadventures with hislifemate, Monkey swama capsized sailboat toshore yelling, “I feel likebait!”
29. Driving (Mis)Adventures
30. Windows are difficultLike for politicians,transparency isn’t amonkey’s friend. Oneafternoon Monkeywould have successfullydumped the contents ofhis coffee out his carwindow had it not beenclosed.
31. Hair StinksMonkeys like theirhair, but it can be anuisance. Exhibit 1:Monkey sets his chesthair ablaze whileattempting to light acigarette while driving.
32. Territorial MonkeyOne afternoon Monkeyerred in a parking lot,and the woman heinconvenienced wavedher arms in fury.Sensing a challenge,Monkey copied herevery move confusingthe enemy.
33. Monkey Vs. GasThough they may seemdour, monkeys areextremely optimistic.With a tank low on gasand fog filling the nightsky, Monkey chanted“Were gonna make itto Augusta,” until it wasso.
34. Feats of DrivingDespite lackingopposable thumbs, a setof dextrous feet enabledMonkey to jump startthe blue Civic whilecareening backwardsdown a hill around araised stump.
35. Creative CursingContrary to popular belief,monkeys have masteredEnglish, especially in theform of short, creative,spontaneous bursts. Oneafternoon while driving anadolescent Monkey yelled ata rude motorist, “I hopeyour c*%t gets caught on adoor knob.
36. And1 DrivingDriving a car heavy withthree kids and a mother,Monkey underestimatedthe car’s weight androlled backwards a coupleyards on the HartfordCivic Center ramp beforea Harlem Globe Trottersgame.
37. Nothing to say but, ‘Monkey!?’
38. Cant Keep A SecretMonkeys love surprises somuch they can’t keep themto themselves. That’s whyMonkey wished his newdaughter-in-law a fun timeto Cancun immediatelybefore her surprise trip.Perhaps the reason she feelsso comfortable with a familyof monkeys, Kristin still hadno idea where she was going.
39. The Oldest Little KidThe affinity for fartjokes isn’t the onlychild-like feature ofmonkeys. To signal thestart of Christmasmorning to his 25- and19-year-old sons,Monkey stomped thefloor and created aclatter to wake them up.
40. Hear No AlarmUnlike any other species,monkeys enter a state oftorpor several times eachday. Even blaring alarmclocks that could beheard in the neighbor’syard couldn’t stir amonkey though it satonly inches away.
41. Softer Side of Monkey
42. Monkey Makes Trips for BaseballMonkey curses otherdrivers and would muchrather add ‘facts’ toReasonsWhyTheMonkeyIsRight.com, but he madethe trip down to MaryWashington College forthe CAC tournament inBrian’s first year back.
43. Dad Gave Paul DiabetesMonkey set Paul onthe slippery slope toobesity early. AtZabar’s, he gave Paul aknockwurst...on acroissant...with a Dr.Brown’s soda.
44. Working in the CityGoing to NYC with theMonkey was the best...mainly because ofSnipes. The rest wastorture as evidenced byBrian hiding behindMonkey’s leg in anelevator when a co-worker was near.
45. The Yanks!Paul may have becomebored before the gamecould go into extra innings.Paul may have been asleepwhen they returned homeand the game had justended. But he will alwaysremember going to Yankeestadium for his first ballgame.
46. Sweep, Sweep, Sweep Your ShellPaul is remembered atSt. Mary’s for hisdedication to rowing andfor being one of theschool’s best sweepers.He will remember hisfinal regatta when acamera-toting monkeydrove hours for his lastrace.
47. Clumsy Monkey PawsPerhaps afraid hisgigantic monkey pawswould squish anewborn baby, Monkeyrefused to holdnewborn Will. Makesyou wonder how manytimes he dropped Pauland Brian.
48. Monkey Knows NapsIf Monkey knows onething, it’s naps. That’swhy (once he conqueredhis fear of holding thebaby) he lulled Will tosleep by stroking hisforehead and nose.
49. Mail TamperingMonkey would never opensomebody else’s mail,unless it’s test results fromFairfield Prep. Monkeytook his lashings with hispouty-lipped, eyes-avertedposture he must’ve hadwhen Bubba Wally bustedhim. The look ruinedBrian’s fake anger.
50. Chore RewardsWhen it comes toMonkey making food,you can never be sure ifit’s a reward or to satisfyone of his cravings.Regardless, the hot cocoaand grilled cheesesandwiches aftershoveling and Carvel Monkeys idea of a birthday cake.after beach dinners wereawesome.
51. Monkey Punishments
52. This One BackfiredMonkey’s lack of basketballability never became moreapparent than during Paul’steenage years. In an attempt toprove a lesson, Monkey, muchtaller and heavier than his son,played as hard as his monkeypaws would let him. Joke’s onhim. Paul hit a turn around,tree-assisted hail mary to renderMonkey’s point moo (like a cow’s opinion).
53. Monkey Like a MissileYou know you steppedin it when Monkeysays, ‘I’m goingballistic...I’m ballistic!’There would be moreto step in after thosewords were uttered.
54. The God Damn Pantry DoorNo one understandsMonkey’s intricateinsulation and coolingsystems besides him. Thefirst commandment,though, is keeping thepantry door closed, alesson Brian learned afterbeing made to open andshut it 100 times.
55. Few Words NeededTheMCDONALD’Sincident...
56. The Staring PunishmentCountless times Monkeywould stomp upstairsand defuse fightswithout a chance forstrike 2. His favorite (orat least most used)punishmend: Sit insilence and stare at eachother.
57. The Dog PunishmentSit next to Odie or Bluebut just far awayenough where wecouldn’t pet him.
58. Segas Are SturdyBesides basketball, Monkeywon’t relent if apunishment is failing. Forexample, he bashed theSega controller against thecorner of the couch andkept doing so, not realizingthe hilarity of a Monkeybashing something topunish overreactions.
59. Way to Ruin Wards BuzzWho knows what Pauland Brian did? Warddidn’t. Monkey wasyelling late one night anddisturbed our drugdealing neighbor. Whenthe neighbor yelled inmockery, Monkey couldn’ Ward always reminded me oft hold back and unleased Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Thats before I even knew what drugs were.an ‘F&*# You!’ of hisown.
60. Miscellaneous Monkey
61. Its Legal in Two States NowMonkey is a law-abiding monkey exceptwhen it comes to pot.Then he will take bighits from an evenbigger bong and keepthe photographicevidence for decades.
62. Stupid DogThough an excellent dogtrainer, Monkey nevertaught his Englishsheepdogs how to swim.Enter Monkey strippingdown to his skivvies(bikini briefs?) andswimming after Odie andgetting scratched as heguided him to shore.
63. Disappointing CookiesDisappointing cookiesare a travesty for theMonkey. He stompedout the door and threwthe pan against thegarage with the sameforce he flung poo backin his Brooklyn days.
64. Arm Hanging LowOverthinking is a part ofMonkey’s life, but perhapshe should have had moreforesight before launchinga ball from the outfieldfence toward home and ata Holy Family LittleLeague practice. His poothrows haven’t been aspowerful since.
65. UConn Vs. USSRAt an exhibitionbetween UConn andthe USSR (or Russia)near the time theBerlin Wall fell or wasabout to fall, Monkeywas the only person inthe arena clapping forthe Soviets. ‘Why?’Brian asked. ‘They’rejust athletes.’
66. Sabotaging VacationsMonkey says he likesMaine and would considermoving there one day. Hedid have a streak of severalyears where he eitherbroke things or had oddmedical ailments (swollentooth), probably to ruineveryone else’s good timeand save Maine forhimself.
67. You Lost the ArgumentThe napkin toss isdinner’s QED. Pretty sure Im yelling at Monkey for Being Correct!
68. Drunk Monkey Thinks He’s Cute
69. Not on NatGeoMonkeys love lambics.Monkey demonstratedthis at Paul and Kristin’s rehearsal dinner.
70. Martin-Conlin Thanksgiving IThe rules of dating say thatboyfriends must make agreat first impression uponmeeting their significantother’s family for the firsttime. Monkey knows there’s no rules regarding thefather of the boyfriend.Monkey took advantage ofthis loophole to gettrashed.
71. Shouldve Studied HarderMonkey never had abachelor party, but hedid have sisteen shots of Nothing to do withsequila before being that night. He was indropped off at Mom’s Ireland andplace. He would have presumabl y drunkgone to the hospital, but though.the 1970s were a time offree love but payphonesthat needed coins to call911.