• Assertiveness is believing we have a right to have ideas
and feelings. Assertiveness is standing up for our rights
and still respecting the rights of others.
• The most effective and healthiest form of communication, but used
Communication without games and manipulation.
We work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions.
Communicate our needs clearly.
We care about the relationship.
We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just
because someone else wants or needs something from us.
• Aggressive is: When I take my own rights into account
and not the other person’s.
• Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may
attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or
by using intimidation and control tactics (anger).
• We simply want our needs met - and right now!
• Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is
called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship.
• Passive can be defined as when I take the other person’s
rights into account and NOT my own.
• Avoid confrontation
• In this mode we don't talk much, question even less, and actually
do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat.
• Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to
disappear than to stand up and be noticed.
• Let’s role play the three styles of communication.
• Groups of 3
• Each group will be given a phrase. Each student in the
group will act out the phrase using one of the styles of
communication. Each group will demonstrate all three
styles of communication for their phrase.
hich Style are You?
Discovering Your Communication Style
NOW COMPLETE THE QUESTIONS AT THE END
• Stop Talking and Listen
• Help the other person feel free to
speak—look like you are interested in
what he has to say.
• Go to an appropriate environment to
talk…Not in the middle of a noisy
• Remove all distractions such as the
phone,TV or radio.
• Let the person finish what they are
saying before you begin to talk—do
not finish sentences for them.
• Do not offer advice unless it is asked
• Ask questions to the person. This shows
that you have been listening and are
interested in what is being said.
• Ask questions that cannot be answered
with one word?
– Open ended
- Avoid Yes/No
• Listen with appropriate body
language—Nods, hand gestures, etc.
• Don’t yawn or lean back—act as if you
• Be honest and sincere, but not
critical and sarcastic.
• Remember, people react to what is
said as follows
– 55% to facial expression
– 38% to tone of voice
– 7% to words
• Sit or stand near the person to whom
you are speaking.
• Maintain Eye Contact
• Give Appropriate Feedback
– Reflective Listening
I’m looking for an
Entrance• Don’t be more concerned with what
you have to say than what is being
I don’t have time to
listen to you
• If the current time is not convenient,
simply tell the other person that
another time would be better, that
you are busy right now
I already know what you
have to say.
• You don’t know what another person
is going to say until they have said it.
I know what you should
• Don’t give advice unless it’s asked
Destructive and Constructive
“Sticks and stones will
break my bones, but
words will never hurt
Words, tone of voice
and body language.
A hammer represents communication and
there are 4 parts.
Brainstorm ideas for labeling the four parts of
the hammer of communication.
Hammer of Communication
THE CLAW IS LIKE
THE SHANK IS LIKE
It is sharp and dangerous
and is used to destroy and
tear down relationships.
It is strong and can
be used to support
THE HANDLE OF THE
HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT
IS THE DRIVING FORCE.
We are in control of our
choose to use it in a
constructive or destructive
THE HEAD IS LIKE
It is smooth and rounded
and is used to build and
help put things together.
Endless Fighting-don’t bring up old
Character Assassination-no name calling
Calling in Reinforcements-don’t bring
other people into the argument
Withdrawal-communicates hurt, rejection,
Withdrawalneglect, indifference, and/or anger
To solve conflicts it is important to be able to express feelings
without attacking the other person. “I” messages allow you to
say how you feel in a positive way. An “I” message has four
I feel… (state the feeling)
When you… (state the other person’s behavior)
Because… (state the effect)
I need… (state what you want to happen)
Situation: You come home and discover that your sister has
hacked into your email account.
Response: “It makes me mad when you open my mail. I feel
like my privacy has been invaded and that you have no respect
for me. Please don’t do that again.”
Clarity – Meaning what you say and
then saying what you mean.
Timing – Select a good time to do your
Asking Questions – People seldom say
what they really mean the first time.
"Why do you think that Mr. Jones doesn't like you?"
"What did Mr. Jones say to you?"
"Where were you when your friends left you?"
Reflective Listening – listener mirrors
back thoughts and/or feelings the
speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to
- Are you saying?
- You seem to be saying?
Respect and Consideration – One sure
way of ending good communication is
by being critical or judgmental. Respect
the other person’s point of view.
Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes
we become too emotional to
Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.
1.Father wants to read the paper. Child
keeps climbing on his lap. Father is
“You” message: “You shouldn’t ever
interrupt someone when he is reading.”
“I” message: ______________________
2.Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child
keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother
is in a hurry.
“You” message: “You’re being naughty.”
Positive and Negative
a list of words that you associate
words are positive?
words are negative?
Changing Our Attitudes
need to have a new association list:
Healthy Conflict Resolution
Definition of Conflict:
– It is an emotional state
– in a relationship
– with disagreements, misperceptions,
miscommunication about needs, drives,
wishes, demands, incompatible goals, scarce
resources, interference from others.
– It arises when change is needed in one or
more parties in order for the relationship to
are often a result of
many passes did the white team mak
Communication and Relationships
in Conflict – It’s about
– Fear of change in relationship drives most
– We often wait until the pain drives the
– Talk to the person while your motivation is
to improve the relationship.
Quick and Easy Ways to Solve Conflicts
10. Flip a coin
9. Own Up
8. Skip It
7. Deal with it later
6. Give a little, get a little
5. You’re probably right, but…
4. Split the difference
3. Lose like a winner
2. Leave them laughing
1. SAY YOU’RE SORRY!
It’s best to have a WIN-WIN outcome!
I win – You lose
I give a little – You
get a little
I WIN – YOU WIN
I lose – You lose
I Lose – You Win