Baratunde Thurston
The Real Time Web & Satire/Comedy
web editor @TheOnion

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T. Herman Zweibel
Editor-in-Chief, 1896 - 2001

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VOLUME 37 ISSUE 01 AMERICA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE ™ 18–24 JANUARY 2001
Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of
Chinese Guy Still
Insisting It Was Him
Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’ WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from
In Front Of That Tank assuming the presidency and closing the
door on eight years of Bill Clinton, presi-
see WORLD page 4A
dent-elect George W. Bush assured the
nation in a televised address Tuesday that
“our long national nightmare of peace and
prosperity is finally over.”
“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at
long last, we have reached the end of the
dark period in American history that will
come to be known as the Clinton Era,
eight long years characterized by unprece-
dented economic expansion, a sharp
decrease in crime, and sustained peace
see BUSH page 8
Denny’s Introduces ‘Just A Corpse-Reanimation
Humongous Bucket Of Technology Still 10
Eggs And Meat’ Years Off, Say MIT
see FOOD page 3C
Mad Scientists
Date With Proctologist Above: President-elect Bush vows that “together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us.” CAMBRIDGE, MA—Dead-tissue reani-
Ends Predictably mation, projected in the 1980s to
be standard medical practice by 2001,
STATshot
see LOCAL page 10D
Rural Nebraskan Not Sure He Could won’t be possible for at least another
decade, scientists
at the Massachu-
A look at the numbers that shape your world.
Handle Frantic Pace Of Omaha setts Institute of
Technology’s Mad
Science Research
NORTH PLATTE, NE—Lifelong Center announced
North Platte resident Fred Linder, 46, Monday.
revealed Monday that he doesn’t think “They laughed
he could cope with the fast-paced hustle when we said we
and bustle of Omaha, the Cornhusker would rekindle the
State’s largest city. divine spark of life
“Oh, sure, I bet it’d be exciting at first, in flesh grown cold and lifeless,” said MIT
going to see 9 p.m. showings of movies, mad scientist Dr. Otto Von Verruchtheit,
shopping at those big department the nation’s leading corpse-reanimation
stores, and maybe even eating at one of expert, speaking from the castle that hous-
those fancy restaurants that doesn’t use es the MSRC’s state-of-the-art corpse-
Politics iceberg lettuce in their salads,” Linder
said.“But I just don’t think I could put up
with all that hub-bub for more than a Above: North Platte resident Fred Linder.
reanimation laboratory. “Oh, how they
laughed! They said we were mad to
attempt such an unholy ambition by the

real(er)-time

election day 2008

election day 2008
• #votereport #wait:60 #evny long lines on 5th ave
and 4th st in Park Slope but moving steadily
• Christopher Nathans, 18, cast an informed
vote for president and half a dozen ignorant
votes for mayor, governor, county sheriff, and
some ballot initiative about term limits or
banks or something #votereport

election 2008

The Oscars 2009

The Oscars 2009
• Helvetica Bold Oblique Sweeps Fontys http://
bit.ly/oIysn #oscars
• Area Man Honored To Be One Who Added
Death Date To Heath Ledger's Wikipedia Page
http://bit.ly/UwaBd #oscars
• Film star Charlton Heston passed away in
April at age 84. He is survived by five guns, 14
grand guns, and 11 great-grand guns. #oscars

Lou Dobbs Quits

Lou Dobbs Quits

twitcom
an improvised situation comedy on twitter

twitcom
an improvised situation comedy on twitter, starring:
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• @JaimeKilstein
• @AllisonKilkenny
• @Dianasaurus
• @JamesUrbaniak
• @ElonJames
• @JohnDevore
• @SaraJBenincasa
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