Baratunde Thurston
Ceremonial Master
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o
Tu stultus es.
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history
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T. Herman Zweibel
Editor-in-Chief, 1896 - 2001
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NEWS
o the ONION
®
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VOLUME 37 ISSUE 01 AMERICA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE ™ 18–24 JANUARY 2001
Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of
Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’
Chinese Guy Still
Insisting It Was Him WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from
In Front Of That Tank assuming the presidency and closing the
door on eight years of Bill Clinton, presi-
see WORLD page 4A
dent-elect George W. Bush assured the
nation in a televised address Tuesday that
“our long national nightmare of peace and
prosperity is finally over.”
“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at
long last, we have reached the end of the
dark period in American history that will
come to be known as the Clinton Era,
eight long years characterized by unprece-
dented economic expansion, a sharp
decrease in crime, and sustained peace
see BUSH page 8
Corpse-Reanimation
Denny’s Introduces ‘Just A
Technology Still 10
Humongous Bucket Of
Eggs And Meat’ Years Off, Say MIT
see FOOD page 3C
Mad Scientists
Date With Proctologist Above: President-elect Bush vows that “together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us.” CAMBRIDGE, MA—Dead-tissue reani-
Ends Predictably mation, projected in the 1980s to
be standard medical practice by 2001,
Rural Nebraskan Not Sure He Could won’t be possible for at least another
see LOCAL page 10D
decade, scientists
STATshot at the Massachu-
Handle Frantic Pace Of Omaha setts Institute of
A look at the numbers that shape your world.
Technology’s Mad
Science Research
NORTH PLATTE, NE—Lifelong Center announced
North Platte resident Fred Linder, 46, Monday.
revealed Monday that he doesn’t think “They laughed
he could cope with the fast-paced hustle when we said we
and bustle of Omaha, the Cornhusker would rekindle the
State’s largest city. divine spark of life
“Oh, sure, I bet it’d be exciting at first, in flesh grown cold and lifeless,” said MIT
O
going to see 9 p.m. showings of movies, mad scientist Dr. Otto Von Verruchtheit,
shopping at those big department the nation’s leading corpse-reanimation
stores, and maybe even eating at one of expert, speaking from the castle that hous-
those fancy restaurants that doesn’t use es the MSRC’s state-of-the-art corpse-
Politics iceberg lettuce in their salads,” Linder reanimation laboratory. “Oh, how they
said.“But I just don’t think I could put up laughed! They said we were mad to
Above: North Platte resident Fred Linder.
with all that hub-bub for more than a attempt such an unholy ambition by the
day or two.” time spiritual leader of North Platte’s century’s end. Fools! Fools, all of them!
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Added Linder: “And parking’s a night- Holy Christ Almighty Church. However, in this case, they were actually
THE ONION

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Science
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2008 Election
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news dominance
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Where people get their news
This week, Gallup/Onion
pollsters asked 10,000
people where they heard
2%
1%
0%
about the story:
97%
The Onion™
Cable News
Network News
Other News Sites
Blogs
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The Onion
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Journalistic integrity
Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch
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The Onion
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Journalistic integrity
Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch
6.0
4.5
3.0
1.5
0
Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity
O
The Onion
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Journalistic integrity
Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch
6.0
4.5
3.0
1.5
0
Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity
O
The Onion
14

Journalistic integrity
Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch
6.0
4.5
3.0
1.5
0
Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity
O
The Onion
14

Journalistic integrity
Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch
6.0
4.5
3.0
1.5
0
Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity
O
The Onion
14

Journalistic integrity
Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch
6.0
4.5
3.0
1.5
0
Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity
O
The Onion
14

Journalistic integrity
Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch
6.0
4.5
3.0
1.5
0
Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity
O
The Onion
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response
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\"Some small American
newspapers frequently
fabricate offbeat news to trick
people into noticing them with
the aim of making money.\"
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February 18, 2004
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Onion News Network Video
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o
You are dumb.
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