Funblog Employee Handbook


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Funblog Employee Handbook

  2. 2. Welcome Welcome to the Funblog family! We are excited that you have decided to join our team. Funblogging is more than just a job, of course. It is a rewarding and exciting challenge, a way to make the world a better place, improve the lives of millions, and give something back to the communities you have shamelessly raped and pillaged all these years. People hold Funbloggers to high moral standards, much like football players and the clergy. They expect us to be role models for children, leaders in our communities, and exemplars of impeccable standards of ethics and professionalism. Please take time to become familiar with the policies, practices and standards described in the pages that follow. Learning the “rules of the road” will help ensure your success.2
  3. 3. At-Will Employment Employment at the Funblog is at-will. Your employment can, and someday probably will, be terminated for any reason or no reason. Even if you work here for your entire life, demonstrating admirable loyalty and diligence, toiling away on weekends and late into the evenings, you can still be fired for any reason. It might be a good reason. It might be a bad reason. It might be a reason whose inherent worth can only be judged in the context of the situation. What we’re trying to say is that could be any reason at all. You give us your best years, sacrificing time with your family and breeding deep issues of abandonment and resentment in your parentless children? Big whoop. We could still fire you just because we don’t like you anymore. Or because you wore black shoes with a brown belt. Or just to put some healthy fear into everyone else. Or for no reason at all. Just ‘cause. In theory you too have this same right when it comes to employment. Just as the Funblog can fire you for any reason at all, ANY REASON AT ALL, you too could, theoretically, exercise this same right. However, think about what your grandfather would say about how irresponsible it would be to just up and quit a job. You might also want to check out the unemployment rate before you get any wise ideas. Our suggestion is that you shut up, keep a low profile, and don’t give us a reason, which we don’t need anyway, to terminate your This Could Be You employment. Confidentiality & Intellectual Property The Funblog owns a number of intangible assets. Technically this material is called “intellectual property.” However, we prefer to call them “assets” because they remind us of tiny little French asses, and they are anything but intellectual. These assets help set us apart from competitors, and are a critical part of our value proposition. You’ll notice that much of our material is marked with a symbol, such as one of those below: Copyright notice © Registered trademark ® Trademark, unregistered ™3
  4. 4. Note that immediately following this symbol are the words “…Copyright 2011. The Onion Inc. All Rights Reserved,” or some such similar nonsense. We don’t really know what this means, but we think it has something to do with the fact that we stole this material directly off of the internet. We do this a lot, because it is way easier than developing our own material, and those guys at The Onion are freaking hilarious. We do not want anyone doing that to us of course, so we have taken proactive steps to protect (cover) our assets. We copyrighted all 26 letters of the alphabet, in all possible combinations. Employees may not use these letters without written authorization from management. Management may not use our letters to write this authorization without written authorization from the Executive Team. We amputated the hands of the few literate members of the Executive Team. Handy List of Letters You May Not Use Nor may employees disclose any confidential information, including information about the Funblog’s customers, pricing structure, revenue, and strategy. This should be pretty easy because the Funblog has no customers, pricing structure, revenue, or strategy. Sexual Harassment & Discrimination The Funblog is committed to maintaining an environment free of unlawful harassment. We prohibit harassment and discrimination of all kinds. Complaints of harassment and discrimination will be investigated thoroughly and employees who are found to have engaged in such a way will be disciplined, up to possible termination. The Funblog does not tolerate harassment or discrimination based on gender, pregnancy, race, creed, color, fatness, national ancestry, disability status, age, or medical conditions. We also prohibit4
  5. 5. harassment based on sexual orientation and believe that hot girl-on-girl action belongs in the workplace, especially when one is a cheerleader and the other is a librarian, and the librarian has to discipline the cheerleader for being naughty, and the cheerleader is really ashamed, but also feels really alive for perhaps the first time ever. Harassment of gay men is permissible provided that such harassment is done for the sole purpose of masking your own latent homosexual tendencies. The Funblog also prohibits discrimination based on race. We employ crackers, negroes, Chinamen, Indians (both dot-head and woo-woo), Mexicans, muggles, Ayrabs and vegetarians. We do not, however, employ the Flemish. The Flemish are fucking horrible, atrocious people. We are proud to be an Equal Opportunity Employer, as evidenced by the preceding clause that says “we are proud to be an Equal Opportunity Employer.” Prohibited discriminatory behavior includes, but is not limited to: 1. Lynching of black folks 2. Referring to chicks’ kazongas as “bouncy fun bags” 3. Rusty trombones (seriously, that’s fucking gross…what is the matter with you?) 4. Leaving “Remember the Alamo” notes for the cleaning crew 5. Refusing sexual advances from senior staff 6. Blood-Libel 7. Inserting index fingers into the anuses of administrative assistants without prior authorization and lubrication 8. Crucifying coworkers (this refers only to literal crucifixion) 9. Running around the office going “oooh look at me, everybody, I’m a Chinaman, I’m good at math have can’t pronounce my R’s and had to drown my own sisters…oooh, look at me.” 10. Regardless of what Pete Seazle may try to tell you, there is no “fellatio-based merit pay” program. The Funblog Diversity Committee5
  6. 6. Drug & Alcohol Policy Drugs are fun, and they can make you wittier, more creative, cleverer, and generally just make you a better person. They can also heighten sexual experiences, expand your consciousness, and make you more comfortable in social circumstances. Drugs also decrease your ambition and create feelings of self- doubt, both of which you will find particularly useful during your time at The Funblog. Drugs make the workplace tolerable. However, some drugs can have a dark side as well. For example, meth-heads have shown a disturbing tendency to skull-fuck interns. Similarly, abuse of marijuana can turn you into a dirty goddamn hippie. Skull-fucked interns and hippies are distractions that can get in the way of excellent job performance, and both increase our healthcare costs. Below is a handy reference chart illustrating which drugs are permissible in the workplace. Approved Drugs Un-Approved Drugs Marijuana Hallucinogenic Toads Crystal Meth Ibuprophen Heroin Broccoli Angel Dust Hope Red Bull Techno Music Paint Thinner Flintstones Chewables Fear Hallucinogenic Toads Your Prescription for Job Satisfaction6
  7. 7. Performance Evaluations The Funblog believes in the importance of immediate and consistent performance feedback. We conduct performance reviews based on employees’ self-evaluation, feedback received from colleagues, and other objective information gathered through the year. We use scientifically validated competencies with behaviorally based anchors. We establish specific performance objectives with measurable outcomes, and rigorously track progress against those goals throughout the year. Once that information is prepared and tabulated, we throw it away in the trashcan behind the offices (in order to preserve the morale of employees). We then count how many “likes” an employee gets on Facebook and judge their inherent worth as a human being accordingly. > 5 = x 4 = x 3 = x 2 = We have recently reversed the order of these last two < 1 =7
  8. 8. Dress Code Work attire should complement an environment that reflects an efficient, orderly, and professionally operated organization. This is a general overview of appropriate business casual attire. Items that are not appropriate for the office are listed, too. Neither list is all inclusive and both are open to change and may be applied differently dependent each employee’s relative hotness. Work Appropriate Not Work Appropriate Crotchless Panties Assless Chaps Moosecock Moosenuckle Furry Headgear Furry Headgear Cone Bras Cone Heads8