The Validator: The Devoted Spouse
Proverbs 24:3-4 “By wisdom (passing the test on knowing u r spouse) a house
(place of love, security and acceptance) is built (erected) and by understanding
(sharing life experiences) it is established (stabilized/set) and by knowledge (the
exercising of wisdom and knowledge) the rooms are filled with precious (children
and sweet memories) and pleasant (spiritual and material) riches!
MY ASSIGNMENT: THE LOVE STYLE OF THE VALIDATOR: THE DEVOTED SPOUSE
The Devoted Spouse or The Team Player would take the stand and make these
My H or W compliments me from time to time
Thankfully my H or W is more concerned for me than friends or work
We have learned how to 4give one another
I thrive on being around people
My H or W doesn’t only speak of loving me, it shows in their deeds
I have no doubt that my H or W cares 4 me deeply
My disposition about life is not quick, fast and in a hurry.
My H or W absolutely adores me
The rule of thumb in our marriage is that we do not divide – we conquer –
Let’s begin with a working definition for two of the words which will be used in
1. Devoted – it’s an adjective -- it has it’s root at very loving, loyal, or faithful.
Dutiful, dedicated and consecrated.
2. Validate – it’s a noun – it’s reflected in service, commitment, fidelity,
Now let me just put this out here – I don’t know if this is a set up or not cause last
week I was braggin to Yolonda that I was the OPTIMIST - The Encouraging Spouse
– but after studying this lesson and digging deeper, I see a lotta me in this
Devoted Spouse – The Validator – so as Pastor has told us we may not be solely
be in one category – so from now on my label will be OPT2VAL!! Thanks honey 4
this opportunity to talk about myself!
PEACE – HARMONY – this is a MUST HAVE! You will take the low road, just
to keep peace. You will go beyond the call of duty if it results in harmony.
Your home needs to be your safe haven and it must be wrapped inside and
out with peace—you’re driven to achieve it – remember Al Green’s song –
LOVE & HAPPINESS – it’ll make you do right; it’ll make you do wrong—make
you get up early or stay out all night…whatever it takes..PEACE is
foundational to your marital happiness & existence.
ESTEEM & RESPECT – u readily give it and expect it in return. You find a
measure of self-esteem in the love and validation you receive from your
spouse—your innate need is to receive ardor (devotion-allegiance) from
your spouse – and beloved – if u r married the God ordained fountain that
this should spring from is YOUR OWN SPOUSE – not friends, not employers,
not project achievements, not “me & mrs. Jones”, not the “clean up
woman” but the person you joined heart and hand with before God!
MEN == can I give you an esteem “freebie” which could gain you a great
reward – something that your wife probably does daily is to make up the
bed you all sleep in, is that right??? You probably have never thanked her
for this either, by the way, but anyhew…what if on some given mornings
you voluntarily make the bed…allow this to become a regular thing…and
maybe, just maybe, the same bed you make up in the morning could be the
same bed you could have great benefit in in the evening!! Remember,
that’s for free – you don’t owe me for that one!
STABILITY – LOYALTY – if you are one who doesn’t like change or should I
say last minute changes, especially – you very well may fit in this category –
constant or sameness is good. Don’t rock the boat baby…don’t tip the boat
over..let’s just ROCK STEADY, baby! (Areatha Franklin)
You will go to the ends of the earth for your MAN or WOMAN! Like Marvin
Gaye & Tammy Terrell’s AINT NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH – nothing will
keep us from getting to our spouses. Even when things are not going well
the validator love style spouse will not defame; will not discuss; will not
disrespect in public and most times not even in private because remember
their foundational need is for PEACE!
So how do your DEEPEST NEEDS (PEACE/HARMONY; LOYALTY/STABILITY;
ESTEEM/RESPECT) exhibit themselves?
1. Loyalty – I equate it to the pilot light on a gas stove…even if all the
burners are not on or working..the pilot light is always lit! You will stand
by your spouse through the good and the bad. Your heart’s desire is to
please, uphold, show faithful dedication to him or her. In this area – you
get the LOVE Award! Now that was the (A) part – the rest of the story is
that this only occurs when YOUR NEEDS ARE BEING MET!! As our
Pastor says it doesn’t happen out of a “vacuum”. This “best part” of
your spouse depends on you being on the other end of the teeter tot
seat giving what you want to receive!
2. Agreeable – not a doormat – but flexible. You’re secure & safe in your
relationship with your spouse; with who you are & how you’re wired so
that people often are drawn to you for wisdom, for encouragement, for
just a laugh. In your marriage you are not one to have loud outbursts of
anger or bring contention. You will make necessary concessions to keep
the ________________what? Yes, the PEACE – Matthew 5:9 says
“Blessed are the Peacemakers for they shall be called the children of
3. Thoughtful – have you noticed how many marriages seem to lack this
key ingredient to a loving relationship? Check the lost and found to see
if thank-you and please are there and if so, let’s return them to their
right places! This seems to be a missing ingredient in family life –what
happened to the cordial greetings when one arrives home or comes
into the presence of another family member? Rather than coming in
with demands or silence, how about being thoughtful and greeting
your spouse, kids with a sincere intentional gesture – whether it be
words, hugs, kisses—note how far this would go in showing our
children how expressions of thoughtfulness are done? Maybe
bullying, fighting, disrespect would diminish in our homes and schools!
BUT DEVOTED SPOUSE – this is an attribute that comes natural to
you…you do it when it’s convenient and when it’s not. Your kindness,
caring and thoughtful ways not only benefit your spouse but to all of
those you cross paths with.
4. Tolerant – you do not allow the little “marriage mosquito’s” to block
your view of the big picture! You spend little time bemoaning
obstacles or challenges. If she can’t fix liver-n-onions like you like
them – you just cancel that menu out of your taste buds! If he leaves
his socks under the covers of the bed – you just dig them out and put
them in the dirty clothes…things that drive other people up a wall are
of little consequence to you!
5. Nurturing – because you are people (and not project) oriented,
because you love peace, because you are thoughtful and care and
because you have a high threshold of tolerance you are a perfect
candidate to be one of the best nurturers in a marriage!! Your love
style of a devoted spouse is displayed in how you are a caregiver.
Since you are a reserved person you don’t want the spotlight – you just
want to ensure that all are loved and cared for—you look for and
pinpoint/highlight the best in people!
Any devoted spouses in the house? Yeah, okay well let’s repeat what we
look like when we are at our best..you know on the RED CARPET – We
are LOYAL, AGREEABLE, THOUGHTFUL, TOLERANT and NURTURING!
Well, we gotta move on cause the book can’t be concluded until all the
chapters are included…so let’s see what we’d record about the
VALIDATOR - THE DEVOTED SPOUSE at our WORST!! Yeah, I know they
thought we were perfect, didn’t they??
Here are some traits your H or W will have to contend with if you are a
^ Withdrawn – When you find yourself here you are here because there
is a deficit in the deepest needs department (Peace, Loyalty, Respect and
Stability) – so spouse’s if you’re feeling a chilly wind don’t look at the
source of the chilly wind but take a look at you & c if you’re doing what it
takes to get the southern breezes blowing in your marriage! If you don’t
you’ll wind up looking across the table at a person who is shutting down;
passive; an observer not a participator in marriage. A “lock-jaw”
partnership is a one sided partnership at best and who wants to be
married to themselves??
^ Indecisive – this one was hard for me to comprehend about myself but
after thinking about it—yep – here it is…when needs are not met you
become reluctant to discuss or share decisions or resolutions with your
mate because you’re not feeling STABLE or ESTEEMED you are fearful that
expressing your decision may ROCK THE BOAT and so the overwhelming
desire for PEACE makes you cautious, hesitant, maybe even wavering or
uncertain…even when you’re not.
^ Resistant to change – check the demonstration of these traits..first,
withdrawn (which makes people have to guess or speculate—cause
you’re not communicating; then fear sets in and you appear to be
indecisive cause again you’re “hedging” around issues instead of coming
head on) and we end up at a place of stubbornness or non cooperation –
but you have to go deeper than surface to understand why – because our
deepest need tanks need to be refueled we want to stay under the radar
and CHANGE is going OVER the radar! We are disagreeable or resistant to
change cause we’re not sure what this is going to do to our “routine or
constancy” of marriage. You know, like we had a plan that we are gonna
do this this way…why you gotta bring a new plan to the table??? Now
when we begin to receive the fuel in our tanks on respect, peace, loyalty,
stability then we can eventually think through the plan and see why it’s
okay to agree with it ….but not a minute before our mate pulls into our
service station of love needs!
An application of this can be found with Pastor & myself – back in July of
1995, when he came to me and said God told me to quit my job and take
this last family vacation because He is opening the door for me to Pastor –
now folks…that was a change that did impact our family, our marriage,
our lives, our everything – now had TP not been priming the pump of
loyalty, respect and even stability – you’d likely not be listening to me
right now cause I never would have agreed with the MAN of the
household quitting a job with good pay & benefits to come to a small
number of Christ loving and Christ serving saints for the weekly love gift
of $25 – but because I knew he loved me, cared deeply for me and his
children, wanted to provide for us, ALONG with following the will of God,
I could easily and confidently encourage him and support him in this
decision…how many of you are glad I did?????
^ Aloof – this is akin to withdrawn…you’re not totally emotionless but on
your way there! If your mate is all pumped up about an accomplishment,
and idea, your interaction with them about this can take the air out of
their balloons…not that you’re not supportive it’s just that you’ve not
received your injection of esteem from your life partner – so it’s hard to
give out something that you’re depleted in.
^ Unable to say no – not just because of wanting to be a busy-body, but
this is driven by the basic work you put in your marriage to maintain
peace and partly because of the nurturing spirit you have. It’s a joy for
you to make your H or W happy; to be a helper; to give service! The part
B of this is you feel if you say NO it could lead to a potential argument or
disagreement…which is a big no no in the book authored by the
Note the following veins which lead to your love flow:
# Your boat sails from the shore peace and on the waters of calmness.
It’s okay to be low maintenance. Your favorite place of residence is
between peaceful and agreeable. You’re not one who is highly excitable
or brings high energy or passion but you’re full of joy and happiness.
# A misconception about you is that you are not “all-in” when it comes to
be a willing worker on issues in your marriage. You at heart are ok most
times with the status quo but not exclusively – there remains with in you
a desire to know more, do better!
# Your # goal in life is to show and tell your mate that they are # 1
(outside of GOD) in your life. You won’t probably do this in an outlandish,
over the top way – like don’t expect reservations made at the newest
hotel or to come home 2 Barry White, chocolate covered strawberries and
a rolex or diamond watch but DO expect to know that the love of your life
will always, in season and out of season, respect you, adore you, nurture
you, be consistent and reliable, and love you to the end of time!
Here it is:
The definition for LOVE from a DEVOTED SPOUSE is:
Being reassured that we are on the same team and working together!
REPEAT THIS! Plain and simple, huh?
SO let’s get to the putting all of this information into action –
THE VALIDATOR/DEVOTED SPOUSE & THE FIVE DOMAINS:
Your approach to COMMUNICATION – not wordy; not bold; not pushy!
You’re one who thinks before speaking; who counts the words as precious
so you get right to the point, ever so with a quiet spirit. Your spouse, over
time, will develop great patience as they draw out from you your inner
feelings, hurts, desires…
Your approach to CONFLICT - this is like quicksand to you and at all costs
you determine to avoid falling into quicksand so there are times you
cover up; squelch your own feelings; struggles; -- cause for you peace is
worth more than gold!
Your approach to SEX and INTIMACY - this act of fidelity with the devoted
spouse is not seen as a “one-time” or “single” act but more of as a
relational connection….the intimacy precedes the bedroom because they
take note of the acts of kindness in helping with chores, with affectionate
(but not sexual) greetings, the thoughtfulness on a daily basis (whether it
be cards, flowers, hugs, rubbing feet, doing dishes), surprising her with a
free evening by taking care of the kids, or by purchasing him tickets to the
local sports activity or for me by purchasing him a TOOL!!! When intimacy
is introduced in this way SEX (lovemaking as we prefer it to be called) is
sure to follow! Remember the INTIMACY in the short form says N 2 ME C!
C Me – Feel Me!
Your approach to FINANCES – take this box of cookies off of the bottom
shelf life partners of a devoted spouse – the key to happiness and
cooperation in this realm of financial harmony is to 1.) HAVE A PLAN! 2.)
STICK TO IT! Mostly validators are thrifty!! We don’t waste nor spend
frivously. (Thank God, huh Payton?) Whether you’re a saver or a spender
as a validator you must have and follow the plan!
Your approach to FREE TIME – life is better on a schedule. Just like you
need a plan for finances you roll better with a somewhat regimented
lifestyle. Even your free time needs to have some type of structure and it
helps if it’s adhered to—all for the sake of PEACE!
One of the most treasured times in my marriage to Tony was our trip to
Los Cabos Mexico in Nov of 08 – we both agreed on doing nothing, not
worrying about church, children, calendars!! He made concessions to
come and sit with me at the pool, I made concessions to walk & talk with
him and take pictures along the beach. To you all this may not sound like
a big deal but for the LEADER & VALIDTOR husband/wife Anthony &
Sandra Payton it renewed and rejuvenated us to push forward & prepare
for what was next to come!
Okay let’s get to the end here and find out what are some ACTION ITEMS
for Validators to make their marriages healthier and lives fuller: Some
TREASURED GIFTS we CAN GIVE our mates:
^ Open up and express yourself. Don’t make them guess or wonder. Step
out and trust their love and respect for you and share your heart.
Disclose your feelings to them—trust that your mate is strong enough to
handle them and caring enough not to trounce on your self esteem with
them. Find some alone time; an alone space and explore and enhance
this part of your marriage. For me and Tony, often times it’s when we are
driving when we can talk – that is when we both turn off our cell phones!
^ Be okay with change. This can signify a deeper level of love to your
spouse because in it you are communicating that your spouse has your
best interest at heart in the areas of your need and that changing the plan
will not harm you but help you. This plan can be as monumental as
supporting a decision to leave corporate and do full time ministry (YO) or
as minimal assaying yes to going to look at the newest cars on the show
room floor (even though it’s your garage sale shopping Saturday). Small
investments gain large dividends!
^ Find and use the RED LIGHT. You cannot be everyone’s S or H hero!
Learn to say and be okay with telling people in a loving and firm way NO I
can’t, No I won’t!!! Share the choices that you’re making in this area with
the love of your life…it will increase their appreciation and love for you!
Adapting our lives to this principle will set priorities in our life
automatically. You will determine what is important to YOU! And others
cannot be more important than our mates – if they are then our marriage
is headed for trouble…turn the ship around NOW!
^ Kick up ENTHUSIASM and EXCITEMENT in your marriage. What are the
lyrics…IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT …CLAP YOUR HANDS???
Show some signs of life…even life on the edge for your spouse…I am guilty
of this at times because I’m so low maintenance and sometimes so
consumed with doing things for others..there have been times when
Tony’s excitement is met by my “oh okay” response that the exuberance
he felt was crushed like ice. It’s not that I wasn’t proud, excited or
supportive – but if I keep doing that guess who won’t be the first receiver
of his “good news”??Right…it won’t be me..he’ll find someone else to tell
before he tells me cause no one wants to be deflated when they are
blown up with fantastic news! Be the spouse who makes this quote by
Alex Haley a reality –-- “VALIDATION – find the good and praise it!”
^ Find an activity that you both can share. This will cultivate a deeper
level of communication (can be verbal-words, emotional-feelings,
physical-body language or spiritual –prayer) where the exchange from
negative to positive in: Expressing Yourself, Modifying Your Plans,
Learning to say No, and Joining the Excitement can be put into
practice….do activities that take you outside of the norm, take a bike ride
together, volunteer at a mission, walk around a park, go swimming, try a
game of pool….be the initiator …you’ll find a happier partner and a
marriage growing sweeter as it grows closer! You’ve chosen the love of
your life now love your choice!
As each married person comes to the altar…with your spouse if they are
here or if they are not here physically, you bring them with you in your
heart…remember that this series on LOVE SEX AND COMMITMENT is not
an event but the basis for a lifelong journey to become the best Christian
couples we can be for the glory of our GOD!
As we all gather at the altar here is a vow that I’d like for us to repeat to
each other, if your spouse is here, and if not imagine your spouse at your
side and say it out loud as if they were here so God and the Holy Spirit can
take it back to them on the wings of love –
LISTEN to this 1st and then we’ll repeat it together saying our individual &
WE, Anthony & Sandra, are a work in progress with a lifetime contract!!!
NOW say it inserting your names – WE, Anthony & Sandra, are a work in
progress with a lifetime contract!
As Pastor comes to pray for us, there are copies of the BEATITUDES FOR THE
MARRIED that you can receive from Sis Yolonda Walker & Sis Terri Payne after