The After Life Application ServiceScene 1 A seventeen/eighteen year-old boy (STEVEN GREEN) is sitting at a desk in his room wearing a black t-Shirt and Dark blue jeans. The room is decked out in all typical teenage finery. Posters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Amy Pond and The Doctor are on the walls, clothes filed under F for Floor. A bookshelf contains and interesting collection of literature, ranging from the completed works of JK Rowling to The Bröntes to Science Text books. This room belongs to a student. The desk is laden with important looking bits of paper and a large stack of Prospectus’. The Boy (STEVEN) is filling in an online form on his Mac Book for UCAS. A football kit is placed next the door, waiting to be taken as he leaves.Mother (from downstairs)You know Steve; you can’t put football on your UCAS application if you never turn up for training?Steven He checks his watchShit. He saves his progress leaps out of his chair grabs his footie kit and exists his room in a rush. He runs down the stairs.Slater Mum He grabs his keys, shoves them in his jeans pockets and rushes out of the door. He jogs across the road, not looking where he is going. There is a screech of tyres, the camera shows a shot of his eyes wide. A thud of flesh hitting metal. Form Steven’s view point we see him fall over and hit the tarmac. The Screen white-outs.Scene 2 The scene starts of very blurred yet slowly becomes clear to reveal a white waiting room. The walls are white, the chairs are white, all the people in the room are wearing white as well. Con-fused, Steven gets up and looks around the room some more, he looks down and, shocked, sees that he is now wearing a white top and white skinny jeans.ReceptionistAh! Mr Green, we weren’t expecting you so soon! Steven turns around and sees a smiling women sitting at white receptionists desk.StevenErm… where am I? The receptionist smiles merrily
ReceptionistYour Dead.StevenYou- wha?ReceptionistDeceased. No more. Kicked the bucket. Deleted. Partying with the Angels. Worm food.StevenWell, that’s... lovely. Sudden realisation hits STEVEN causing him to look shocked and annoyedI only just finished my UCAS! Wasted Life Much! More to self than anyone elseStupid Shelly.ReceptionistWonderful. Now if I could just have your ALAS form I can progress your application.StevenMy, wha?ReceptionistYour After Life Application Service form. Like UCAS. Only this will effect your for the rest of youreternal life. Steven still looks confused and the receptionist smiles pityingly if not in a slightly condescending way.Did you not realise that you were going to die?StevenNot really, it sort of just suddenly hit me.Receptionist She sighsWell why didn’t you say so? You’ll be needing to speak to one of our Bereavement GuidanceCouncillors. She checks her computerRoom 7 is available now.
RECEPTIONIST indicates down the corridor to her right. STEVEN walks down towards it, cau- tiously. At the end of the corridor is an ordinary office door (white of course) STEVEN reads the sign on the doorSTEVENMs Aeron Jones. Bereavement Guidance Councillor. PhD, BaHumbug, TTFN, DIY. Tentatively he knocks on the door. An overly cheery voice from within answers.AERONEnter!Scene 3STEVEN enters the room. It is an ordinary office with representations in the form of statues, post- ers etc from all the worlds major religions. From Christianity to Shinto. From Islam to Buddhism.Sitting at the desk is a beaming women wearing a white suit. Her desk is laden down with papersyet is still neat and organised. Before her is large, comfortable white leather chair. She indicates for STEVEN to sit down. AERON is nice enough, but condescending. She would have made an excellent Primary school teacher, but you would have hated her in year 9.So AERON consults her notes.Mr. Green. I hear you haven’t filled out your ALAS form. She tuts and STEVEN rolls his eyes.STEVENYeah, well, A) I have never heard of ALAS until today and B) as I told money penny out there, Ididn’t know I was going to die! AERON tuts again.AERONWe’re all going to die Mr Green. Well, we won’t of course because you’re already dead and I’mimmortal.She laughs as though this is the funniest joke told since someone first mentioned the phrase “And the bar man says”.Sucks to be you!She continues to laugh. STEVEN is not impressed. What possible affection he might have had for her has disappeared faster than the last Quality Street. AERON regains control of herself and gets back to the matter in hand.Well, we can’t do anything about it now. So, Mr Green, have you considered what sort of After Lifeyou would like?
STEVENWell. I haven’t really put much thought into it. I guess one that isn’t, you know, meant for Evil peo-ple. Hell would, you know, kinda suck.AERONWell, would you be looking at any Dara group after lives?STEVENYou, what?AERONMy my, we really don’t know much about the after life do we! She consults a bit of paperAnd yet you got an A in Philosophy and Ethics! My my what do they teach children this century? She addresses him like a 5 year old who has just asked why the leaves are green.A Dara group afterlife is the best afterlife available in this Universe. It covers everything fromHeaven to Valhalla!STEVENSo it’s like the Russell Group? Yeah?AERONWell, I guess. But, put it this way. If life were a comedy panel show where, oh I don’t know, peopletook the Mickey out of the weeks news, The Russell group would just be a guest, but the Daragroup would be hosting the show! But I must warn you Mr Green. The Dara group after lives arevery difficult to get into. It will take a lot more than eating fish on a Friday to get you in. What aDara Group wants is someone of all round moral fibre. What do you do in your spare time MrGreen?STEVENErm. Well. He counts on his fingersI’m captain of the football. I’m a young leader in the scouts. On the school debate team. HeadBoy. I’ve got my Gold Duke of Edinburgh. Any of this good?
AERONWell. I guess it’s a start. But have you ever done anything really important? Like, oh I don’t know,saved the life of a pregnant woman using only a craft knife and ball point pen? De-fused a bombhanging round the neck of a school girl, saving her life and the life of all five-hundred peopletrapped in the building? Stopped an Alien invasion of earth using only your wit, good looks and ascrewdriver? We had a man in earlier, what was his name, Greg, Gaunt, Gandalf, Ghandi! That’sit Ghandi, who brought independence to his country through peaceful protest, risking his life onmany occasions through voluntary hunger strikes. Ever done anything like that?STEVENI once rescued a cat from a tree for an old lady. That the sort of thing you want?AERONWell. I guess it’s better than nothing. She writes on her paper.Now, I’m sorry that I have to ask Mr. Green, But we do have a few questions I need you to answerbefore we can go any further. Just to asses your suitability for certain Dara Group Deaths. Answeras truthfully as possible now, we will be able know if you have lied.STEVENOk.AERON She sorts out her papers.So. Question One. Have you ever killed a man/woman/child/hermaphrodite/undecided sentientbeing?STEVENNo.AERONQuestion Two. Have you ever eaten produce from an animal.STEVENYesAERONHave you ever eaten Sus scrofa domesticus aka. The domesticated Pig?STEVENDoes bacon count?
AERONYes.STEVENThen yes.AERONWould you consider that you have kept your body a) Extremely clean from harmful toxins (e.g. be-ing t-total) b) Very Clean from harmful toxins (e.g. only drink for toasts for formal occasions) c)Relatively clean from harmful toxins (e.g. drinking sacramental wine) d) Not clean from harmfultoxins (E.g. getting absolutely hammered at the Christmas party every year culminating in youscanning your bottom and then sending a copy to your boss, Ex-girlfriend and mother via email) e)Very unclean due to harmful toxins (e.g. Drinking so much over a long period of time that you lostall sense of reason and watched big brother on channel 5 and not just because Jedwood are in-sane) or f) Extremely unclean due to harmful toxins (e.g. you once drank a combination of fanta,coke, lilt, takelia, coffee, vodka and marmite and enjoyed it because you have completely de-stroyed your taste buds)STEVENEr. At a guess. C?AERONTeam Edward or Team Jacob?STEVEN DefiantDumbledore’s army.AERONLovely. The rest I’m sure I can fill in using your personal statement She holds up a piece of paper. STEVEN looks confusedSTEVENI didn’t write anyAERON Still looking down at notesAnd that’s why it’s so personal. No rambling on see. STEVEN rolls his eyes and muttersSTEVENYou’re telling me off for rambling on.
AERONSo I just need to know, have you ever worshiped any false idols. Any golden cows hiding in yourwardrobe?STEVENNot that I’m aware of.AERONReally? Because our police beings found this in your closet. She pulls up a Katie Price/Jordon calendar.Now then, Mr Green. I can assure you that she is both golden and a cow. And that those are mostdefinitely false. So. Would you like to re-phrase your answer?STEVENTha-that isn’t mine. I have a winnie the pooh calendar! AERON gives him the “oh really” teacher lookOk! It’s mine. But it was a present. That I happen to have used. Often. I don’t worship her or any-thing! Not… really. But if looking at her everyday and having a healthy obsession with her femalebeauty, writing to her asking for advice, offering her gifts in return for certain favours, counts asworship, then yeah, I worship her! AERON smiles and writes down more.AERONOh and, just to cover all bases, the car that hit you, it wasn’t an evil enemy was it? You weren’t ina blood feud with it?STEVENIt was a car. So. Erm. Let me guess. NO!AERONShame. Could have argued you had died in battle then… Valhalla would be right up your street…drinking and partying till the early hours of the day, as many prostitutes as you could wish for. Bitlike freshers week really. Only continuous and you don’t have to worry about actually working atthe end of it. STEVEN looks slightly down hearted at thisBut don’t worry Mr Green, we just won’t bother applying in the Norse fashion. As lovely as thepeople in Helheim are, no amount of ABBA karaoke can make up for the amount of stale Goatsurine you have to drink. Trust me. Now there’s a holiday I’d rather forget… She looks down at her notebook. After a while STEVEN speaks again
STEVENSo, are we done then? Do I just, wait outside now, in the erm, waiting room?AERONYes. I believe I have all I need for now. You want to get into some sort of heaven really. Ah. She notices something on a piece of paper.I see you only got a D in AS Geography.STEVENYeah, So? I dropped it. I got an A in History though!AERONYes dear, but you need a four Bs to get into heaven. But don’t worry. You can always defer untilnext year and do a re-take via our reincarnation service. THE END! =D