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Dealing with difficult people


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Dealing with difficult people is only as stressful as you allow it to be. By discovering what makes them difficult we start understanding how to deal with them

Dealing with difficult people is only as stressful as you allow it to be. By discovering what makes them difficult we start understanding how to deal with them

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  • 1. Dealing WithDifficult People Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 2. Dealing with Difficult PeopleLearning Objectives Learn methods to stay on track, when difficult people want to derail you Set stage for collaboration not conflict Identify types of difficult people, their thoughts, fears and reasons for their behaviours Learn strategies to deal with these behaviours Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 3. What is a difficult person?They don’t do what you want them toThey do what you don’t want them toYou don’t know to do about it! YIKES ! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 4. Who is difficult for YOU? What do they do that pushes your buttons? What is your usual response? Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 5. ReactiveStimulus ResponseWhat are your reactive responses? Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 6. ProactiveStimulus Choice ResponseWhat would you like your proactive response to look like? Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 7. What Difficult People Do . . .LoudOverbearing Look at me; I’m veryimportantPhysically or verbally abusiveTyrantsIndecisiveExplosive Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 8. What else do they do? Nag, whine, complain Lie Sabotage relationships Lack integrityFor most, the cause is anger or fear, for others it is a technique. Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 9. I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.I will always cherish the initialmisconceptions I had about you.You are validating my inherent distrustof strangers. Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 10. Causes of AngerAnger comes from an empty place they aretrying to cover up. It has less to do with youthan you think.Anger has two causes: the cause of thedistress and the exacerbating helplessnesswhen no one listens.Fear, being needy, self indulgent, resistant tochange, insist on being right, see themselvesas victims Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 11. Special Techniques for Talking with Angry ClientsListen and remember their anger is notpersonal; they are angry at the problem.Apologize and acknowledge both themessage and their feelings in a sinceremanner.Sympathize and draw out what happened.Accept responsibility for the problem.Prepare to help, ask questions and conveypersonal caring. Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 12. Your Options for Dealing WithDifficult People Stay and do nothing at all Stay and accept their behaviour Stay and change your attitudes and behaviour so that you can change your relationship with the difficult person (proactive response) Leave Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 13. 3 Steps for Dealing with Difficult People Kn ow le! wh xi b at fl e yo Be uwa Pay close attention! nt! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 14. Staying on Track1) Have a direction that is positive and specific – knowing what you want in regards to the difficult person “ if the results you are getting are not the results you want to be getting, then what has to change?” “where there is no vision people perish”2) Paying close attention to behaviour rather than assumptions Hearing-seeing-doing Purge your assumptions (voice, body posture, facial expressions etc.) Analyze others’ assumptions about YOU! Pretend you are a neutral third party Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 15. Staying on Track3) Be Flexible! • deviate from what you have been doing • Introduce a new variable into the dynamics of the relationship with the difficult person! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 16. I see you have set aside this specialtime to humiliate yourself in public!You sound reasonable . . . (time to upmy medication).I’ll try being nicer if you try beingsmarter! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 17. The Iceberg Analogy Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 18. Stay Above the Water Line!Focus on behaviours and do not attack the personal traits of the difficult person! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 19. Communication SkillsSlow It Down ! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 20. Develop Rapport Trust Cooperation thru . . . . PACING Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 21. Pacing Reduce your differences Find common ground Minimize insecurity and defensiveness Match: syntax tone actions understand the other’s considerations Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 22. What we respond to . . . . 55% visual 38% sound (tone) 7% actual words Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 23. Pace Their Physical Posture, facial expressions and gestures Rate of speech Mental Words and phrases Tone, tempo and volume Emotional Mood and emotion Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 24. Remember when you pace Pay attention Be flexible enough to meet them on the common ground that you’ll find Don’t over do it – be aware of timing Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 25. Thank you. We’re all refreshed andchallenged by your unique point of view.The fact that no one understands youdoesn’t mean you’re an artist.I don’t know what your problem is but I’llbet it’s hard to pronounce. Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 26. The Last 7% - The WordsBasic Needs in Communication Need to be valued Make them know you hear them Backtracking – repeat in THEIR words Need to be understood Clarify, paraphrase in YOUR words Ask questions Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 27. 4 Parts of Communication1. Intent2. Criteria3. Content4. Process (55%, 38%, 7%) Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 28. Steps State your positive intent. Validate their concerns State relevant criteria. What needs, desires and motivators need to be satisfied Content positive and forward moving Pay Attention to the process (55%, 38%, 7%) Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 29. IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!!!!IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!!!!! It’s all about what they have learned Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 30. Task Analytics Rulers Accurate, detail oriented, Bottom-line directors. and precise. Insufficient When they fear loss of data causes them to shut control they attack as: down as: Tanks, Snipers / Complainers or / Know-It-allsPassive No people Aggressive Relators Entertainers Sensitive people-people Decisive, enthusiastic that thrive on personal performers. When their act contact. To avoid nasty is ignored, they play the role confrontations they “get of along” Grenades or/ Yes People or/ Think-They-Know-It-Alls Maybe people People Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 31. Difficult People You’ve gotto love them Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 32. The Ruler Gone Baaaaad!1) Tank Abrupt, intimidating and pushy Hostile, aggressive bullies that run right over you Communication Goals: Stand your ground give them time to run down Be firm with your comments, pace the intensity Go for completion Express your interests assertively Pace the intent – to get things done Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 33. 2) Sniper Covert hostility emerges as wisecracks and cutting remarks! Really angry at their goals being blocked In turn, they take opportunities to block yours! Communication Goals: Bring the grievance to the surface, call attention to sarcasm Provide a peaceful alternative Determine if group agrees or disagrees with sniper’s opinion Get specific about legitimate problems brought to the surface Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 34. 3) The Know it All Arrogant experts Grew up in an atmosphere of certainty Need to be perceived as knowing everything to avoid punishment Communication Goals: Get them to consider your alternatives You must be knowledgeable yourself Listepn and acknowledge their comments Present your idea as a detour (a possibility for the future!) Guard against your own tendency to be a “know it all” ! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 35. Stressed Out Analytics4) Chronic Complainers Whining, always finding fault, never solutions Cannot make decisions! Communication Goals: Get them to switch to problem solving! Listen attentively (let them relieve their stress) Interrupt lightly and firmly and ask specific questions (but not why) Don’t agree with the complaints – state the facts Assign them tasks – to track specifics Set a time limit on discussion and ask how they want the conversation to end If they complain about another person - redirect them to that person Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 36. 5) No!!! People Negative and pessimistic, they can throw a wet blanket over the entire organization Want to protect everyone from making mistakes Communication Goals: Avoid being dragged in Take the time to specify the issues Identify the risks (negatives) and acknowledge them before they can – use them as a resource Be prepared to take action by yourself Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 37. Relators Under Stress6) Maybe People Don’t want to step on toes – so don’t make decisions until it is too late Communication Goals: Make it safe for them to be honest Reassure that that your relationship will improve Have an honest dialogue Problem solve any issues, use the facts Prioritize alternatives Give them support for their decision Leave the action steps in your hands Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 38. 7) Yes!!! People You can trust them to agree – at all cost! Don’t follow through Afraid of disapproval Communication Goals: Get them out of the stress response Reassure and make it safe Ask specific questions that bring the problem to the surface Lead them thru problem solving Ensure commitment Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 39. Stressed Out Entertainers8) Grenades Temper tantrums Defense to cope with fear, frustration, loss of face Communication Goals: Help them regain self control Get their attention and show your concern for their prestige Take time out Find out what triggered the explosion in the first place! Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 40. 9) Think They Know It Alls Their grand ideas that lead down roads that go nowhere Communication Goals: State the facts using I statements Get their idea put aside without making them look bad Do not inhale the hot air Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 41. 10) Nothing People Seal up, and say nothing Communication Goals: Reassure and make it safe Ask open ended questions Provide an opportunity to respond, look expectantly and wait Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 42. Any connection between your realityand mine is purely coincidental.I have plenty of talent and vision. I justdon’t give a damn.I like you. You remind me of when Iwas young and stupid. Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 43. You don’t need to be a shrink! This is not a quick fix! We need to respond differently to people to encourage a different response from them Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 44. The least you need to know Most difficult people aren’t disturbed or crazy Some people don’t know how to act in less difficult ways Most people are difficult because of What they have learned How they are rewarded for their behaviour Understanding why makes dealing with them less difficult Angelis Consulting 2002
  • 45. What am I ? Flypaper for Freaks!I’m not being rude. You’re justinsignificant.I’m already visualizing the duct tapeover your mouth. Angelis Consulting 2002