West Ridge Church Marriage Ministry
“Can You Hear Me Now?”
Communication Keys for Couples

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Introduction
“Conflict is.”
2 Corinthians 2:10-12
If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in order
that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not
unaware of his schemes.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Introduction
“Conflict is.”
2 Corinthians 2:10-12
If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him…. in order
that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not
unaware of his schemes.
To deal effectively with conflict, we need to be
aware of the common sources.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Some Warnings from Scripture about Conflict
Proverbs 17:19
He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a
high gate invites destruction.
Proverbs 26:21
As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a
quarrelsome man for kindling strife.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Some Warnings from Scripture about Conflict
Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome
and ill-tempered wife.
2 Timothy 2:14
…. Warn them before God against quarreling about
words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who
listen.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of Conflict

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of Conflict
1. Money

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of Conflict
1. Money
2. Sex

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of Conflict
1. Money
2. Sex
3. Chores

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of Conflict
1. Money
2. Sex
3. Chores
4. In Laws

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Common Areas of Conflict
1. Money
2. Sex
3. Chores
4. In Laws
5. Children

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(1) Anger and Hate
Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all
wrongs.
Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a
patient man calms a quarrel.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(1) Anger and Hate
Proverbs 29:22
An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot
tempered one commits many sins.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(2) Spiritual Immaturity
1 Corinthians 3:3
You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and
quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you
not acting like mere men?

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(2) Spiritual Immaturity
I John 2:15-16
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If
anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not
in him. For everything in the world — the cravings
of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting
of what he has and does — comes not from the
Father but from the world.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing
fulfilled is a tree of life.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing
fulfilled is a tree of life.
God designed us as both rational and emotional
beings.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/Surprise

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/Surprise
Kids

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/Surprise
Kids
Parents

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/Surprise
Kids
Parents
School

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/Surprise
Kids
Parents
School
Sports

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/Surprise
Kids
Parents
School
Sports
Work

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Expectations <> Reality --> Disappoint/Surprise
We have a reaction EVERY time reality does not
equal expectations.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Disappointment

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Disappointment
Anger

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Disappointment
Anger
Bitterness

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Disappointment
Anger Hurt
Bitterness

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Disappointment
Anger Hurt
Bitterness Depression

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We view life through our own definition of
\" normal .\"

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We view life through our own definition of
\" normal .\"
Our idea of “normal” was largely formed by the
environment we grew up in.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Over time, we develop expectations about
virtually every area of life.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even realize it!

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even realize it!
Money

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even realize it!
Money Sex

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even realize it!
Money Sex
Chores

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even realize it!
Money Sex
Chores Family

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
We bring these expectations into our marriage
and often don’t even realize it!
Money Sex
Chores Family
Children

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Most of our expectations are simply our opinion
of the way things should be.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(3) Unrealized Expectations
Most of our expectations are simply our opinion
of the way things should be.
We need to consciously test our expectations
against God's Word.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness
James 1:13-15
When tempted, no one should say, \"God is tempting
me.\" For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does
he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by
his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.
Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;
and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness
James 3:14-16
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in
your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
Such \"wisdom\" does not come down from heaven
but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you
have envy and selfish ambition, there you find
disorder and every evil practice.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(4) Selfishness
James 4:1
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't
they come from your desires that battle within you?

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride
Proverbs 13:10
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in
those who take advice.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride
1 Timothy 6:4
…he is conceited and understands nothing. He has
an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels
about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk,
evil suspicions

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride
How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star,
son of the dawn! You have been cast down to the
earth, you who once laid low the nations! You said
in your heart,
\"I will ascend to heaven;
I will raise my throne above the stars of God;
I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,
I will ascend above the tops of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High.\"

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride
Pride is the root of every sin.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride
Pride is the root of every sin.
The essence of pride is our desire to control – to
be God of our own life.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Understanding the Source of Our Conflicts
(5) Pride
Instead of pride, God calls us to a life that is
marked by humility.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Phil 2:4 - 7
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than
yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your
own interests, but also to the interests of others.

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
Phil 2:4 – 7 (continued)
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ
Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not
consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a
servant, being made in human likeness. And being
found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself
and became obedient to death — even death on a
cross!

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
1 Peter 5:5
All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one
another, because, \"God opposes the proud but gives
grace to the humble.\"

VI. Identifying Sources of Conflict
(1) Anger and Hate
(2) Spiritual Immaturity
(3) Unrealized Expectations
(4) Selfishness
(5) Pride