How to Win Friends & Influence
People (8PK) by Dale Carnegie
Super Detailed
This grandfather of all people-skills books was first published in 1937. It
was an overnight hit, eventually selling 15 million copies. How to Win
Friends and Influence People is just as useful today as it was when it was
first published, because Dale Carnegie had an understanding of human
nature that will never be outdated. Financial success, Carnegie believed,
is due 15 percent to professional knowledge and 85 percent to the ability
to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among
people. He teaches these skills through underlying principles of dealing
with people so that they feel important and appreciated. He also
emphasizes fundamental techniques for handling people without making
them feel manipulated. Carnegie says you can make someone want to do
what you want them to by seeing the situation from the other persons
point of view and arousing in the other person an eager want. You learn
how to make people like you, win people over to your way of thinking, and
change people without causing offense or arousing resentment. For
instance, let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers, and talk

about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Carnegie
illustrates his points with anecdotes of historical figures, leaders of the
business world, and everyday folks. --Joan Price
Personal Review: How to Win Friends & Influence People (8PK)
by Dale Carnegie
I originally picked this book up on a lark, because I thought from the title
that it would be full of the most terrible manipulative thinking and would be
great fun to pick apart. Well, six years after getting the book, I'm still
reading it at least twice a year. It's that good.
There are a lot of criticisms of the book that I sort of shake my head at. I
can't really comment on this version of the book, seeing as how I have a
pre-1981 edition; in 1981, two whole sections of this book were cut out and
other edits may have been made. But I would like to address two criticisms
in particular--or rather give some food for thought.
1. People say this book advocates you being a doormat.
I can see how people would have gotten this impression, to a certain
extent, especially if they dropped the book halfway through (which is their
right, if they feel the book is not worthwhile). If your entire set of
interactions with people involves simply agreeing with everything they say,
then I say you have good reason to feel like you are being treated like a
doormat. However, Carnegie devoted a whole section--the last section, in
the 1981 edition--to techniques for criticizing people without causing
offense. It is possible and in fact entirely healthy to find ways to make your
views known (even if they're not flattering views) without giving offense.
The book teaches you how in the section "How to Change People Without
Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment." My advice is that if you start
getting frustrated because the book is making you feel like you have to be
a doormat, please skip to that section and give it a read. If you still feel as
if you're required to be something you would rather not be, then by all
means drop the book. I will tell you that I faithfully follow the precepts in
this book and still manage to make my opinion heard in such a way that I
feel like I am able to make corrections and state the truth--but I can do it
without giving offense thanks to the techniques in this book.
2. This book advocates you not being honest.
I can tell you from reading the book that there are one or two anecdotes
that talk about people who have lied to get their way. I don't approve of
lying. However--the main thrust of the book is not about lying or
manipulating, and Carnegie made it clear that if you don't practice these
techniques with a sincere heart that you will meet with failure (which is
correct and good, because nobody likes a flatterer). There are two
anecdotes where people lie that I can think of in the book, so I'd like to
address these two.

The first is that at a dinner party, someone says "Don't correct the people;
they don't like that." In that context, I actually agree with this advice--but
only in that context, and here's why. Carnegie (in the story) originally baldly
came out and said "sir, you are wrong. This is how it is." And you should
never ever ever EVER do that. INSTEAD, you should say "I thought it that
this was the case, not that." So, for example, if someone quotes something
as being in the Bible and you know it's from Shakespeare, you never say
"You're wrong; that's from Shakespeare." You say, "I thought that was from
Shakespeare; but perhaps I'm wrong."
The best part is that this is entirely right, and true. You do think it's from
Shakespeare, and you could perhaps be wrong (you're not automatically
right you know!). This opens the door for friendly debate instead of causing
you to fruitlessly butt heads with someone! Carnegie advocates this
technique in the very next chapter.
The second story involves a man who lies and says that he will say his
singer has a bad cold before the singer goes onstage. Now, there are two
things that I want to point out here. The first is that this is for business, not
interpersonal relations. You cannot always be 100% honest in the
workplace; instead of being able to tell a customer exactly what you think,
you must be diplomatic and follow your company's policy. This doesn't
really apply to the above because the man is high up enough that he can
afford to be honest. But, it bears mentioning. The second is that if you don't
like the advice given, then you don't have to follow it. Think about what
you're taking in and don't follow it off a cliff! There are plenty of ways that
you can be honest in most business dealings. You don't have to sacrifice
your integrity.
3. This book would have you fake interest in people's hobbies and interests
in order to make them like you.
I would like to quote from the book, if that's okay. Carnegie is talking here
about speaking with a botanist at a party, and at his surprise at being
called an excellent conversationalist when all he did was listen. He
accounts for it like so:
"I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was
genuinely interested. [ . . . ] I went even further than giving him rapt
attention. I was 'hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.'
I told him I had been immensely entertained and instructed--and I had. I
told him I wished that I had his knowledge--and I do. I told him I should
love to wander the fields with him--and I should. I told him I must see him
again--and I must.
And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in
reality, I had been merely a good listener and encouraged him to talk."

Now, if you were expected to listen to every person with the same rapt
attention, I can see how you would feel like Carnegie's advice was
insincere. But--here's the thing--you aren't required to do that. You can
choose your friends, and you can choose which people you listen to. If you
don't want to be friends with someone, you don't have to win him as a
friend. So take the advice, but don't run off a cliff with it! Don't feel like you
have to be this way to everyone, because you don't!
4. Some people will still take advantage of you even if you are nice and
use these techniques.
Again, don't run off the cliff with Mr. Carnegie's advice. If you have
determined that someone isn't worth talking to, then by all means don't talk
to him or her. There are some customers and people that aren't worth the
trouble.
If you keep these things in mind while reading the book, I think you'll enjoy
it very much and get a lot of help out of it. I do recommend getting the
pre-1981 edition if you can (Amazon sells hardback copies of it, actually).
But then, I always recommend reading books unabridged, so take this with
a grain of salt.
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