6. Step 1. You hurt
What does your hurt look like?
Think of the range of emotions you feel
when you are wounded:
e.g. bewilderment, sadness,
disconnection, anger, confusion, worry,
rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment…
7. Step 2. You want
When you hurt, you want things that will make you feel
better.
You see the other person both as your problem and as
your solution:
You think, ‘If only… my spouse would change…I had
a different boss … they would accept me….she would
just stop doing that……..’
The end of that sentence is always……. ‘then I could
be happy’
8. ACCEPTANCE
I want to be warmly received
without condition
LOVE
I want to feel I am someone others are
attracted to
CONNECTION
I want to be united to others
VALIDATION
I want to be valued for who I am
COMPANIONSHIP
I want deep, intimate relationships
RESPECT
I want to be admired and esteemed
SUCCESS
I want to achieve or accomplish
something
HONOR
I want to feel like a priceless treasure
SELF-DETERMINATION
I want to have free will
COMMITMENT
I want to have security in relationships
UNDERSTANDING
I want to be known
SIGNIFICANCE
I want to have meaning and purpose
WORTH
I want to feel important and valued
by others
SAFETY
I want to feel protected and secure
TRUST
I want to have faith in others.
JOY
I want to feel satisfied and happy
9. Want - ACCEPTANCE
Fear - REJECTION
Want - LOVE
Fear - BEING SCORNED
Want - CONNECTION
Fear - DISCONNECTION
Want -VALIDATION
Fear - INVALIDATION
Want - COMPANIONSHIP
Fear - LONLINESS
Want - RESPECT
Fear – FEELING INFERIOR
Want - SUCCESS
Fear - FAILURE
Want - HONOR
Fear - FEELING DEVALUED
Want - SELF-DETERMINATION
Fear - POWERLESSNESS
Want - COMMITMENT
Fear - ABANDONMENT
Want - UNDERSTANDING
Fear – BEING
MISUNDERSTOOD
Want - SIGNIFICANCE
Fear - FEELING
UNIMPORTANT
Want - WORTH
Fear - WORTHLESSNESS
Want - SAFETY
Fear - DANGER
Want - TRUST
Fear - MISTRUST
Want - JOY
Fear - UNHAPPINESS
10. Step 3. You fear
Most of our deepest desires stem from
two basic wants:
1. Connection
2. Control
Therefore our deepest fears are:
1. Losing connection
2. Losing control
11. Step 4. You react
If you are like most people, you consciously or
unconsciously fall into well-worn patterns of reacting
when someone pushes your fear button.
- You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt.
- You’ll do anything to avoid the feeling of want.
- You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.
12. It’s not merely your core fear that injures your
relationships, it’s how you choose to react when
someone pushes your fear button.
Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal
with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our
relationships.
13. 1. Withdrawal
You retreat and avoid
resolving the issue, often
using ‘the silent treatment’
2. Escalation
Your emotions spiral out of
control; you argue and can
become physically or verbally
aggressive
14. 3. Defensiveness
Instead of listening you
defend yourself by providing
‘an explanation’ for things,
often shifting blame away
from yourself
4. Manipulation
You use controlling behaviour to
try and manipulate the other
person to your own advantage
15. 5. Sarcasm
You resort to devaluing
and name calling in order
to dishonour and bring
shame
6. Clinginess
You develop an unhealthy emotional
attachment or dependence on the
other person
16. 7. Passive-Aggressive
You display negative emotions
in passive ways such as
procrastination, ignoring,
moodiness or stubbornness
8. Acting Out
You engage in negative and
inappropriate behaviours such as
drug taking, drinking, flirting, taking
risks, etc.
17. The fear dance is not about
the external, it’s always about
the internal.
YOU CAN CHOOSE
HOW YOU THINK AND REACT!
18. Think about the ‘reaction’ you’ve
been given to discuss:
1. What is a better way to
respond instead of choosing
this reaction?
2. What kind of response could
you give if someone reacts
this way towards you?
19. New Dance Steps….
1. Take control of your thoughts, feelings and actions
2. Don’t give others the power to control your feelings
3. Don’t create unrealistic expectations of others
4. Choose forgiveness
