Theory of Interpersonal Skills by Tai Tran

The Theory of Interpersonal Skills Tai Tran Connect to me on Facebook www.taitran.com/facebook

i. introduction

Sets of skills
Listening skills
Assertion skills
Collaborative problem-solving skills

ii. barriers to communication

Common Communication Spoilers
JUDGING
Criticizing
Stereotyping
Diagnosing: playing amateur psychiatrist
Praising evaluatively
SENDING SOLUTIONS
Commanding
Threatening
Moralizing
Excessive/inappropriate questioning
Advising
AVOID THE OTHER’S CONCERNS
Diverting
Logical argument
Reassuring: trying to stop the other person from feeling the negative emotions

iii. listening skills

Listening skills
ATTENDING SKILLS
A posture of involvement
Appropriate body motion
Eye contact
Non-distracting environment
FOLLOWING SKILLS
Door openers
Minimal encourages
Infrequent questions
Attentive silence
REFLECTING SKILLS
Paraphrasing
Reflecting feelings
Reflecting meanings
Summative reflections

iii. listening skills 1. attending skills

Communicate attentiveness through relaxed alertness: “I feel at home with you and accept you” AND “I sense the importance of what you are telling me and am very intent on understanding you”
Incline body toward the speaker
Face the other squarely. Pay attention to shoulders and eye level
Maintain an open position with arms and legs uncrossed
Position at an appropriate distance from the speaker. Anxiety increases as the distance exceeds either minimal or maximal limit of tolerance.

“ To listen is to move. To listen is to be moved by the talker – physically and psychologically” Franklin Ernst Jr.
Listener who remains still is seen as controlled, cold, aloof and reserved. The listener who is ore active – but not in a fitful or nervous way – is experienced as friendly, warm, casual, and as not acting in a role.
Good listener moves the body in response to the speaker. Ineffective listeners move their bodies in response to stimuli that are unrelated to the talker.
Example of distracting motions and gestures: fiddle with pencils or keys, jingle money, fidget nervously, drum fingers, crack knuckles, frequently shift weight or cross and uncross legs, swing a crossed leg up and down, watch TV, wave or nod one’s head to people passing by, continue with one’s activities

Eye Contact
Effective eye contact involves focusing one’s eyes softly on the speaker and occasionally shift the gaze from the speaker’s face to other parts of the body and then back to the face and then to eye contact once again.
Poor eye contact: repeatedly look away from the speaker, stare constantly or blankly

Turn off TV, computers, speakers
Take off telephone receiver
Hold phone calls until the conversation is over
Remove sizable physical barriers fosters better communication

Psychological attention
Without psychological presence, no attending technique will work.

Listening skills
ATTENDING SKILLS
Eye contact
FOLLOWING SKILLS
Door openers
Minimal encourages
Attentive silence
REFLECTING SKILLS
Paraphrasing
Reflecting feelings
Reflecting meanings

iii. listening skills 2. following skills

Following skills
Stay out of the other’s way so the listener can discover how the speaker views her/his situation

Door openers (1/2)
Is a non-coercive invitation to talk
People often send door closers
A child comes home from school with dragging steps and unhappy expression on his face, parents’ response usually make the child withdraw into himself
Door-closer 1 – Judgmental statements: “What a sourpuss you have on today”, “What did you do this time”
Door-closer 2 – Reassurance: “Cheer up”, “Things will get better. They always do”
Door-closer 3 – Advising: “Why don’t you do something you like to do?”
Instead, parents could send a door opener: “Looks like things didn’t go well for you today. I’ve got time if you’d like to talk.”

Door openers (2/2)
Four typical elements of a door opener
A description of the other person’s body language. “Your face is beaming today”, “You look like you are not feeling up to par.”
An invitation to talk or to continue talking. “Care to talk about it?” “Please go on”
Silence – giving the other person time to decide whether to talk and/or what he wants to say
Attending – eye contact and a posture of involvement that demonstrates your interest in and concern for the other person.
Recognize and reflect back to the speaker
Make sure the door opener is an invitation rather than a directive
Empathic listeners invite conversation, not compel it
Build trust!

Minimal encourages
Are brief indicators to other persons that you are with them. Minimal: very little amount the listener says. Encourages: these words or phrases aid the speaker to continue speaking.
Tell me more. You betcha! Oh? Yes. For instance… Really? I see. Gosh. Right. And? Then? Go on. So? Sure. I hear you. Darn!
Repeat the speaker’s keywords or the last words: “I think I’m a little confused” – “Confused?”
Communicate empathy through voice and facial expressions
Minimal encourages do not imply either agreement or disagreement.

Mix open and closed questions
Ask only one question at a time

Attentive silence
Silence frees the speaker to think, feel and express
During the pauses in an interaction
Attend to the other by postures
Observe the other to see their body language
Think about what the other is communicating

Listening skills
ATTENDING SKILLS
Eye contact
FOLLOWING SKILLS
Door openers
Minimal encourages
Attentive silence
REFLECTING SKILLS
Paraphrasing
Reflecting feelings
Reflecting meanings

iii. listening skills 3. reflecting skills

Paraphrasing
The paraphrase must be concise
Condense the response
Reflect only essentials of the speaker’s message
Deal with facts or ideas rather than emotions
Paraphrase in listener’s own words

Reflecting feelings
Listeners frequently miss many of the emotional dimensions.
Tendency to rivet attention on content.
In problem-solving: data is all around. Feelings are the energizing force that help us sort, organize the data and use it effectively
To improve the capacity to ‘hear’ feelings
Focus on the feeling words
Note the general content of the message
Observe the body language
Put yourself into the speaker’s shoes

Reflecting meanings
Know how to reflect feeling and content separately  put the two together into a reflection of meaning
Formula: “you feel…because…”

Is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a long period of conversation
A summative response helps the lost speaker gain an integrated picture of the conversation
States repeated or stated with most intensity info
Used at the beginning of a new session
Gather together points brought up
Select relevant data

iii. listening skills 4. six peculiarities of human communication

Six peculiarities of human communication
Words: imprecise vehicles
Guesswork is involved in understanding the meaning of the speaker’s “code”
The presenting problem may not be the major concern
The speaker may be blind to her emotions or blinded by them
Many listeners are easily distracted
Filters distort what the listener hears

Words: imprecise vehicles
Words strain,
Crack and sometimes break, under the burden,
Under the tension, slip, slide, perish,
Decay with imprecision, will not stay in place,
Will not stay still…
Reflective listeners repeats in his own words, which helps correct misunderstandings

Guesswork
A child asks her parent a lot of questions at bedtime; those questions really mean “Please stay with me a little longer” A husband brings his wife coffee in bed every morning; the decoded message is “I love you and want to tell you daily in small ways”
We often forget to decode the messages
Decoding is always guesswork
How meant How sent How received Thoughts and feelings  Actions and/or Words  Listener’s interpretation of the meaning behind Private, known only to the speaker Often imprecise or veiled expressions or concealment Private, known only to the listener

Presenting problem
Beating around the bush leads to inefficiency

Blind to or blinded by emotions
BLIND TO EMOTIONS
Social pressure on human behaviors
Man is taught to repress feelings
Men are taught to be angry or act aggressively, but not to admit fear. Women are allowed or even forced to take submissive roles
We live stunted lives
In fact, our emotions help shape our values
BLINDED BY EMOTIONS
Feelings block rational capacity
Reflective responses help the person cope with feelings and use rational ability

Listeners are easily distracted
Reason: people can think much faster than they can talk
Listeners take mental vacations

Filters distort what heard
Emotional filter: how we had felt about the topic before the conversation
Expectation filter: what we had expected

iii. listening skills 5. reading body language

Focus attention on most helpful clues
Auditory channel
Specific words that are spoken
Sound of the voice
Rapidity of speech, frequency and length of pauses
Visual channel
Facial expression
Posture
Gestures

Facial expressions
Face takes on natural and lively intensity: in the midst of a conversation that seems relatively unimportant
Eyes twinkle with mirth, redden and watery with sadness, glower with hostility

Vocal clues
Monotone  boredom
Slow speed, low pitch  depression
High voice, emphatic pitch  enthusiasm
Ascending tone  astonishment
Abrupt speech  defensiveness
Terse speed, loud tone  anger
High pitch, drawn-out speech  disbelief

iii. listening skills 6. improve listening

Improve Listening
Don’t fake understanding
Don’t tell the speaker you know how she feels
Vary your responses
Focus on feelings
Choose accurate feeling words
Develop vocal empathy
Strive for concreteness and relevance
Provide non-dogmatic but firm responses
Reflect the speaker’s resources
Reflect feelings that are implicit in questions
Accept that many interactions are inconclusive
Reflect during brief interactions

Suggestion of some feeling words
Affectionate
Angry
Annoyed
Betrayed
Blissful
Blue
Burdened
Charmed
Cheated
Cheerful
Condemned
Contented
Crushed
Defeated
Despairing
Distraught
Disturbed
Dominated
Eager
Empathetic
Energetic
Enervated
Exasperated
Fearful
Flustered
Foolish
Frantic
Guilty
Grief-stricken
Happy
Helpful
High
Horrible
Hurt
Hysterical
Ignored
Imposed upon
Infuriated
Intimidated
Isolated
Jealous
Jumpy
Kind
Left out
Loving
Melancholy
Miserable
Nervous
OK
Outraged
Peaceful
Persecuted
Pressured
Put upon
Rejected
Relaxed
Relieved
Sad
Satisfied
Scared
Shocked
Spiteful
Stunned
Stupid
Sympathetic
Tense
Terrible
Thwarted
Tired
Trapped
Troubled
Unfaired-against
Vulnerable
Wonderful
Worried
Weepy

Levels of intensity Levels of intensity Love Joy Strength Sadness Anger Fear Confusion Weakness Strong Adore Love Cherish Devoted Ecstatic Elated Overjoyed Jubilant Dynamic Forceful Powerful Mighty Desolate Anguished Despondent Depressed Violent Enraged Furious Angry Seething Terrified Horrified Panicky Desperate Bewildered Disjointed Confused Muddied Crushed Helpless Done for Washed up Mild Affection Desirable Friend Like Turned on Happy Cheerful Up Effective Strong Confident Able Glum Blue Sad Out of sorts Mad Frustrated Aggravated Frightened Scared Apprehensive Alarmed Mixed-up Foggy Baffled Lost Powerless Vulnerable Inept Unqualified Weak Trusted Accepted Cared for OK Glad Good Satisfied Contented Capable Competent Adequate Below par Displeased Dissatisfied Low Irritated Annoyed Put out Perturbed Worried On edge Nervous Timid Undecided Unsure Vague Unclear Weak Ineffective Feeble

When to listen reflectively
Before acting
Before arguing or criticizing
When the speaker experiences strong feelings or wants to talk over a problem
When the speaker is speaking in a code
When the speaker wants to sort out her feelings and thoughts
During a direct mutual conversation
Self talk
When encountering new ideas

When not to listen reflectively
When you are not able to be accepting: zap the speaker at the outset before she turns to guard-down mode
When you do not trust the other to find his own solutions
When the listener is not separate from the speaker
Use listening as a way of hiding yourself: this is not healthy in genuine relationship
Pressured, hassled or depleted

iv. assertion skills

The behavior continuum Submission Assertion Aggression

Submissive behavior
PAYOFFS
Often praised for being selfless, good sport, go the second mile
Carry smaller load of responsibility
Usually looked after and protected
Manipulation by means of submission
PRICE
Live unlived life
Kowtow to desires and commands of others
Less intimate relationship
Affection grows to disgust
Sacrifice grows to hatred

Aggressive behavior
BENEFITS
Secure material needs and desired objects
Greater capability for self-protection
Things go her way
PENALTIES
Fear
Destruction: resistance, blaming, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances, lying, covering up
Seeking power, losing liberty
Guilt
Dehumanization: people are created to love people and use things, aggressors tend to love things and use people
Alienation

Assertive behavior
Advantages
Like own self
Fulfilling relationships
Reduce fear & anxiety
Live own life
PRICE
Disruption: pain of honest & caring confrontation
Hard to be effective assertor
Willpower requirement to forego over-reliance on submission or aggression

Effective assertion
Case: someone invades my life space and I want him out
Effective assertion: firmness without domination
High probability that the other will alter the troublesome behavior
Low probability that I will violate the other’s space
Little likelihood of diminishing the other’s self-esteem
Low risk of damaging the relationship
Low risk of diminishing motivation
Little likelihood that defensiveness will escalate to destructive levels

Three-part assertion message
When you [state the behavior non-judgmentally ],
I feel [disclosure your feelings]
because [clarify the effect on your life]

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (1)
Disambiguate the message
Specific behavior description Fuzzy behavior description When you don’t shovel the snow from the driveway before going to school… When you don’t do your part around the house… When you arrive late for work three times this week… When you ignore the company policies… When you are not ready to leave for work by 7… When you dawdle over your breakfast…

Limit to behavioral descriptions
Behavior description Inferences When you cut off several people before they were finished… When you behaved so rudely at the meeting… When you left the meeting 25 minutes before your report was to be given… When you left the meeting early just because Frank criticized you…

Describe objective statements rather than make judgments
Behavior description Character assassination When you say women are incapable of being effective managers… When you behave like a male chauvinist pig… When you repeatedly talk more than others in class… When you have constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth…

Avoid absolutes
Behavior description Use of absolutes When you are frequently late… When you are never on time… When you interrupt me before I have completed my statement… When you constantly interrupt me… When you park so that my bike is blocked in… When you always park to block others’ bike…

Avoid profanity
Behavior description Use of profanity When you do not call to let me know you will be late for the meeting… When you drag your ass in here late for meeting day after day… When you do not have the report written at the time promised You lying pig, you promised that the report would be ready by 4

Avoid judgmental words
Behavior description Use of judgmental words When you don’t return the can opener… When you hide the can opener on me… When you overspend our budget… When you waste our hard-earned money on unnecessary things…

Make it brief
Brief behavior description Lengthy description When you are frequently late for meetings… When you get all involved in your non-work activities and forget about the meeting time and run in late and sweating…

Little things
Assert about the real issues, don’t beat around the bush
Be less reluctant to assert the ‘little things’ Story: A man who walked across the NA continent from the west coast to east coast was besieged by reporters at the end of his journey. “What was the most difficult part of your trip – the Rocky, the heat of the desert?” The hiker replied “It was sand in my shoes”

Misattributed assertion
Assert to the right person

When you [state the behavior non-judgmentally],
I feel [ disclosure your feelings ]
because [clarify the effect on your life]

Emotion substituting
Tendency: substitute one emotion for another
Example: a child surprises a parent with a loud noise, the parent may respond as angry without mentioning the fear
Often the first felt is the primary feeling
State the right degree of feeling

When you [state the behavior non-judgmentally],
I feel [disclosure your feelings]
because [ clarify the effect on your life ]

Tangible effect on the asserter Behavior description Disclosure of feeling Tangible effect Costs When you used my bike and didn’t refill the gas tank I feel unfairly treated Because I have to pay more money for gasoline Time consumption When you are frequently late to pick me up I feel frustrated Because my time is wasted while I wait for you Effectiveness When you call me at work and talk at length I feel tense Because I don’t get all my work done on schedule

Recommended process
Prepare for the assertion message
Send with appropriate language
Silence
Reflective listen
Recycle 2-4
Focus on a solution

v. collaborative problem solving

Alternatives of collaboration
Denial
Avoidance
Capitulation
Domination
Compromise
Third party

Six-step collaborative problem solving
Define the problem in terms of needs
Brainstorm possible solutions
Select the solution(s) that meets both parties’ needs
Plan who, what, where, when
Implement the plan
Evaluate

Reference
Robert Bolton, People Skills , Touchstone 1979

Thank You! May 2007 Tai Tran More on my website www.taitran.com Connect to me on Facebook www.taitran.com/facebook

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Theory of Interpersonal Skills by Tai Tran

by Tai Tran on Oct 29, 2007

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