Enneagram by Tai Tran

  • 15,897 views
Uploaded on

A summary of the Enneagram, the ancient tool that explains different psychological behaviors and preferences of people.

A summary of the Enneagram, the ancient tool that explains different psychological behaviors and preferences of people.

  • Full Name Full Name Comment goes here.
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
  • I have read the presentation with lots of interest. I am involved in youth programs in my community and I would like to share this. Can you please email it to me via solocassy@gmail.com please?
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
  • thank you
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
  • Beautiful clarity. Can i be allowed to downlad?
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
  • Great work. Please allow downloading it

    Oscar
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
  • appreciate if you can share is slide for my formation works with our volunteers.. dasoy_gsc@yahoo.com
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
No Downloads

Views

Total Views
15,897
On Slideshare
0
From Embeds
0
Number of Embeds
7

Actions

Shares
Downloads
4
Comments
10
Likes
55

Embeds 0

No embeds

Report content

Flagged as inappropriate Flag as inappropriate
Flag as inappropriate

Select your reason for flagging this presentation as inappropriate.

Cancel
    No notes for slide

Transcript

  • 1. THE ENNEAGRAM Tai Tran Hien T. Nguyen May 2007
  • 2. The Enneagram
    • Is the ancient system of personality types
    • Linking personality to spirit
  • 3. Diagrams
  • 4. Overview
  • 5. The Three Triads
  • 6. Triad: Head
    • 5,6,7 tend to respond to life through their thoughts
    • Vivid imaginations
    • Strong ability to analyze and correlate ideas.
    • Thinking is a way of pre-empting fear
  • 7. Triad: Heart
    • 2,3,4 operate in the world through relationships
    • Image: Concerned with how others see and relate to them
    • Quick sense and respond to others’ needs or moods
    • Successful relationships keep at bay the sense of emptiness and yearning
  • 8. Triad: Belly/Gut
    • 8,9,1 tend to ‘be’ in the world through action
    • Their instinct is to do
    • Self-forgetting types
  • 9. Head center: Fixations and Holy Ideas
    • Fixation: Habitual mental preoccupation of focus of attention
    • Holy Ideas: The state of being which is experienced, rather than thought of, by the head center when it is free of the fixation
  • 10. Fixations (cont)
  • 11. Heart center: Passion and Holy Virtue
    • Passion: The habitual preoccupation or focus of the heart center
    • Virtue: the essential state of being experienced in the heart
  • 12. Belly center: Self-preservation
  • 13. Belly center: Social Instinct
  • 14. Belly center: Sexual
  • 15. Wings
    • Each type has 2 wings on either side on the circle
    • Example: Five-ish Six is more withdrawn, Seven-ish Six becomes more playful
  • 16. The Enneagram and MBTI
  • 17. Motivation – Behavior – Development
  • 18. Focus of attention
  • 19. Functions
  • 20. Interpersonal Roles 1. The Reformer (Improving) The Conscientious Teacher 8. The Challenger (Empowering) The Self- Confident Authority 9. The Peacemaker (Mediating) The Comforting Optimist Influence others 6. The Troubleshooter (Implementing) The Dependable Associate 7. The Enthusiast (Popularizing) The Joyful Visionary 5. The Investigator (Discovering) The Perceptive Expert Looking into future 2. The Mentor (Supporting) The Thoughtful Contributor 3. The Achiever (Communicating) The Competent Pragmatist 4. The Designer (Creating) The Intuitive Originator Self development Cooperator Initiator Soloist Area of concern Social functions
  • 21. Disruptive Roles 1. The Reformer (Improving) The Rigid Scorekeeper 8. The Challenger (Empowering) The Heavy-Handed Taskmaster 9. The Peacemaker (Mediating) The Passive Wishful Thinker Influence others 6. The Troubleshooter (Implementing) The Ambivalent Skeptic 7. The Enthusiast (Popularizing) The Scattered Chatterbox 5. The Investigator (Discovering) The Detached Technician Looking into future 2. The Mentor (Supporting) The Self-Important Busybody 3. The Achiever (Communicating) The Slippery Operator 4. The Designer (Creating) The Temperamental Withholder Self development Cooperator Initiator Soloist Area of concern Social functions
  • 22. Leadership
  • 23. Inadequate Nurturing Environment
  • 24. Appearance Illustrations
  • 25. The Day in Enneagram
  • 26. Title
    • Menu
    • Content
  • 27. The Nine Types
  • 28. 1. The Perfectionist/Reformer/Worker/Critic
    • ONES at their BEST
    • Ethical
    • Reliable
    • Productive
    • Wise
    • Idealistic
    • Fair
    • Honest
    • Orderly
    • Self-disciplined
    • Inspiring
    • Caring
    • Wise
    • Discriminating
    • Serene
    • ONES at their WORST
    • Judgmental
    • Inflexible
    • Dogmatic
    • Obsessive-Compulsive
    • Critical of others
    • Overly serious
    • Controlling
    • Anxious
    • Jealous
    • Cynical
    • Judgmental
    • Self-righteous
    • Cold
    • Bigoted
    • Controlling
    • Angry
    • Sarcastic
    • Dogmatic
    Motivated by the need to live life the right way, improve yourself and others and avoid danger. MBTI: ISTJ,ENFJ,ENTJ,ISFJ
  • 29. ONE's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: being corrupted/evil, defective
    • Desire: to be good, to have integrity, to be balanced
    • NINE-wing: the Idealist
    • TWO-wing: the Advocate
  • 30. ONE’s passion & fixation: anger & resentment
    • Suppress reactions and emotions in favor of rationality
    • Anger is freeing cathartic energy
    • Resentment is rationalized anger. Unacceptable rage is transmuted into acceptable thoughts, from frustration to irritability and resentment
  • 31. ONE’s stress: toward FOUR
    • Under stress, ONES emphasize their belief that perfection is unattainable, and that somehow they are unworthy
    • They focus shifts to relationships or emotions, and their feeling of being unlovable
    • Can be depressed
    • Positive: enhance ONES’ appreciation of and longing for perfection, and opens up their feelings
  • 32. ONE’s security: toward SEVEN
    • Some ONES seek out SEVENS as friends
    • Allow themselves to relax into security they can have fun for a while
  • 33. ONE subtypes
    • Self-preservation: divert energy of anger into anxiety about personal security: getting things right, having exactly what one needs, keeping the job, looking after the family… It is permanent resentful worrying
    • Social: ally with the worthy group and support the correct cause; may cause them confusion, frustration or anger at the group and/or at themselves; criticize the group for not being perfect, and themselves for not being able to adapt
    • Sexual: idealizing the perfect connection, fear that other people will be seen as more attractive, intelligent and desirable. Anger is channeled into jealousy
  • 34. ONE’s relationships
    • Hard to trust the world
    • Feel they may be unworthy of friendship because they are not perfect
    • Long for the perfect relationship, look to see if they’re doing wrong, if not – resent and blame partner
  • 35. ONE’s virtue & idea: serenity & perfection
    • Serenity: allow all feelings to come and go without judging
    • Perfection: realize everything is already perfect even in its imperfection
  • 36. ONE learning
  • 37. ONE growth tips
    • Find a friend or therapist who can help depersonalize issues for which one is blaming one’s self or others
    • Join a group which encourages expression of immediate emotions, including anger, in a safe environment
    • Notice thinking in terms of either/or, right/wrong and include more sides
    • Notice that resentment at others who break the rules may mask a wish to do what they’re doing
    • Take time to observe the critical mind in action, and dis-identify with it – use it to remind self of achievements and skills
    • Put play and pleasure in list of oughts, until one can allow them for their own sakes
    • Learn to relax
    • Do not expect others to change immediately
    • Learn to recognize the attacks of your superego and how they undermine you rather than helping you
    • Get in touch with feelings, particularly unconscious impulses
  • 38. ONE in business
    • The rational, orderly type
    • Principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionistic
    • Concerned with maintaining quality and high standards
    • Focus on details and like to improve and streamline procedures
    • Good at coaching others on how to improve themselves, be more efficient, and do things correctly
    • Well-organized and orderly, overly critical of themselves and others
    • Dislike waste and sloppiness, but can deteriorate into micromanagement and constant, demoralizing criticism
    • At their best, they have good judgment, make wise decisions, and model ethical and responsible behavior.
  • 39. ONE’s leadership: the Idealist
    • A self-observing Idealist can be a wonderful leader: wise, tolerant, balanced, and focused on standards of excellence in ways that provide an exemplary vision for followers. Ones are often the purveyors of quality in an organization.
    • When less well-developed, they show their fixation on perfectionism. They carry an internal judging voice, which chastises themselves (or others) for falling short of perfection (preaching) or, in a very healthy individual, invokes higher attainment (teaching). Their driving force is anger, which is typically over-controlled until it erupts as resentment when someone has failed to live up to their expectations. They're good at moral tirades, yet they also show a "running amok" side that allows them to escape their own high standards.
    • Developmental skills include reducing the power of their internal critic, channeling anger more effectively, learning to respond to criticism non-defensively, and moving away from black-and-white thinking with positive reframing and creative problem-solving. The key development need for this leadership style is patience, the willingness to accept conditions that do not conform to one's ideal.
  • 40. ONE’s management
    • Leadership: Principle-centered leadership
    • Strategy: Ethics-oriented
    • Decision Making: Ideal-centered
    • Managing Change: Rule-bound
    • Delegating: Workaholic delegator
    • Communication: Factual communicators
    • Negotiation: The uncompromising negotiator
    • Power: Authority power
  • 41. Famous ONES
    • Mahatma Gandhi, Hilary Clinton, Al Gore, John Paul II, Sandra Day O'Connor, John Bradshaw, Bill Moyers, Martha Stewart, Ralph Nader, Katherine Hepburn, Harrison Ford, Vanessa Redgrave, Jane Fonda, Meryl Streep, George Harrison, Celene Dion, Joan Baez, George Bernard Shaw, Noam Chomsky, Michael Dukakis, Margaret Thatcher, Rudolph Guliani, Jerry Brown, Jane Curtin, Gene Siskel, William F. Buckley, Kenneth Starr, The "Church Lady" (Saturday Night Live), and "Mr. Spock" (Star Trek)
  • 42. 2. The Helper/Giver/Caretaker
    • TWO at their BEST
    • Loving
    • Caring
    • Adaptable
    • Insightful
    • Generous
    • Enthusiastic
    • Tuned in how people feel
    • Empathic
    • Supportive
    • Perceptive
    • Loyal
    • Selfless
    • TWO at their WORST
    • Martyr-like
    • Indirect
    • Manipulative
    • Possessive
    • Hysterical
    • Overly accommodating
    • Overly demonstrative (more extraverted Twos)
    • Smothering
    • Ambitious give-to-get
    • Self-sacrificing intrusive
    Motivated by the need to be loved and appreciated and to express your positive feelings towards others. MBTI: ESFJ,ENFJ,ESFP,ENFP
  • 43. TWO's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
    • Desire: to feel loved
    • ONE-wing: the Servant
    • THREE-wing: the Host/Hostess
  • 44. TWO’s passion & fixation: pride & flattery
    • Pride: inner certainty that they can fulfill others’ needs
    • Flattery: TWOs’ ability to make others feel good by appealing to their inner preferences, and recognizing and supporting their highest potential
  • 45. TWO’s stress: toward EIGHT
    • Domineering, irritable, angry
    • Avoid inner anger
    • Fight for their own position and resist others’ demand
  • 46. TWO’s security: toward FOUR
    • The increased emotionality is painful
    • A release into the self-nurturing and artistic side is energizing
  • 47. TWO subtypes
    • Self-preservation: securing pride by not asking for help
    • Social: attach to the important in group. Ambition: power behind the throne
    • Sexual: keep going until chosen person is caught
  • 48. TWO’s relationships
    • Dilemma: suffer painful emotions for forgetting self needs
  • 49. TWO’s virtue & idea: humility & will/freedom
    • Humility: celebrate what hey have to offer to the world
    • Freedom: follow their true needs
  • 50. TWO learning
  • 51. TWO growth tips
    • Develop interests and activities that are meaningful to one on one’s own, and do them on one’s own
    • Make time to be alone and bring attention back inside, for example meditating; notice the anxiety and desire to focus out again
    • Notice own achievements and their worth
    • Consciously do things well for their own and one’s own sake alone
    • Notice flattery and the tendency to be helpless or second to others, and that dependency is manipulation
    • Tell people one’s need, and allow them to give it to one’s self: learn to enjoy receiving
    • Take care of one’s self, rest
    • More conscious of motives when deciding to help
    • Ask people what they need before helping them. Help when they ask. Help them to be functioning on their own
    • Let it be, do not remind deeds
  • 52. TWO in business
    • The helpful, interpersonal type
    • Generous, appreciative, people-pleasing, and possessive
    • Sensitive to the needs of others and seek to be of service
    • Appreciate the talents of others and act as confidants and guides, good at networking people and services
    • Have trouble saying no to requests and tend to become stressed by trying to help others too much
    • Dislike impersonal rules and work situations and can deteriorate into favoritism and time-wasting personal over-involvements
    • At their best, they are empathetic and generous and help build team interpersonal connections
  • 53. TWO’s leadership: the Mentor
    • The most interpersonally oriented of all the leadership styles, healthy Mentors are unconditionally caring leaders who derive deep satisfaction from seeing and encouraging the development of others; they are typically great supporters of customer service. Well-developed Twos will also be aware of their own needs, which provides balance in their lives and allows them to give freely, without expectation of return.
    • Their driving force is pride, which is attached to their self-image as helper; out of this they tend to be in the middle of things, giving help and advice whether others want it or not. When less developed they have a fixation on entitlement and can use manipulation to influence people. If they feel betrayed they may even become vindictive ("after all I've done for you!"). Their key development need is humility, which accompanies true compassion without expectation.
    • Developmental skills include acknowledging their own needs, seeing how they contribute to their own workload and saying no, setting clearer boundaries, and asserting their interpersonal power more directly.
  • 54. TWO’s management
    • Leadership: Servant leadership
    • Strategy: Customer satisfaction
    • Decision Making: People-centered decision maker
    • Managing Change: Charmer
    • Delegating: People-centered delegation
    • Communication: Interpersonal communicator
    • Negotiation: Manipulative negotiator
    • Power: Reward power
  • 55. Famous TWOS
    • Mother Teresa, Barbara Bush, Eleanor Roosevelt, Leo Buscaglia, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Cosby, Barry Manilow, Lionel Richie, Kenny G., Luciano Pavarotti, Lillian Carter, Sammy Davis, Jr., Martin Sheen, Robert Fulghum, Alan Alda, Richard Thomas, Jack Paar, Sally Jessy Raphael, Bishop Desmond Tutu, Ann Landers, "Melanie Hamilton" (Gone With the Wind). and "Dr. McCoy" (Star Trek)
  • 56. 3. The Performer/Achiever/Motivator/Succeeder
    • THREES at their BEST
    • Optimistic
    • Confident
    • Industrious
    • Efficient
    • Self-propelled
    • Energetic
    • Practical
    • Empathic
    • Socially conscious
    • Able to enliven
    • Deep connection to people and worthy goals
    • THREES at their WORST
    • Deceptive
    • Narcissistic
    • Pretentious
    • Vain
    • Superficial
    • Vindictive
    • Overly competitive
    • Dominating
    • Go-getters
    Motivated by the need to be productive, to achieve success, and to avoid failure. MBTI: ESTP,ENTP,ENTJ,ESTJ
  • 57. THREE's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: being worthless
    • Desire: to feel valuable and worthwhile
    • TWO-wing: the Charmer
    • FOUR-wing: the Professional
  • 58. THREE’s passion & fixation: deceit & vanity
    • Select arenas which gain approval of people they want to be accepted by. They deceive themselves that roles is ‘who they are’
    • Vanity: only stop doing when they run out
  • 59. THREE’s stress: toward NINE
    • Stress of THREE: public failure, taking on far too much, illness which forces them to stop, inactivity
    • Lose focus and confidence
    • Swayed or distracted and upset that can’t promote themselves
  • 60. THREE’s security: toward SIX
    • SIX is central fear type, so THREE finds it so hard to relax and do nothing
  • 61. THREE subtypes
    • Self-preservation: focus on material security. Ultimate success is always in the future
    • Social: their status in the group. Goal is targeted for the potential prestige
    • Sexual: appear absolutely masculine/feminine
  • 62. THREE’s relationships
    • Relationships can be backing up image
  • 63. THREE’s virtue & idea: honesty & hope
    • Honesty: inner state in which there is no need to find a role to identify with
    • Hope: able to let go and allow things to be done through them rather than by them
    • Who experience hope and honesty can turn their leading, achieving and motivating skills to the service of other people, and experience the unconditional love they have always longed for
  • 64. THREE learning
  • 65. THREE growth tips
    • Stop from time to time and ask ‘What am I feeling?’
    • Take time out to stop and be: go for walks (but without a goal!), stare at the sunset, learn to meditate for its own sake rather than as a task
    • Ask trusted friends to tell when they feel one’s not being real, or one’s fudging an issue, and listen even if they seem wrong
    • Notice one’s self changing image to please, and ask ‘Is this who I am, or am I going for the image?’
    • Work on valuing empathy and connection as highly as status
    • Ask one’s self what really matters, in work and leisure, and make time to pursue it
    • Be honest about feelings and needs
    • Connect to someone one cares about
    • Involve in projects that help empowering true value and identity
    • Stop doing the acceptable just to be accepted
  • 66. THREE in business
    • The adaptable, ambitious type
    • Focused, excelling, driven, and image-conscious
    • Know how to work efficiently to get the job done according to customer expectations
    • Often attractive, charming, and energetic, are conscious of the image they project of themselves as well as of their team and company
    • Like getting recognition and are attracted to success and positions of prestige
    • Competitive and workaholic, driven by the need for status and personal advancement, deteriorating into cutting corners to stay ahead
    • At their best, they are accomplished and admirable, often seen as inspiring role models by others
  • 67. THREE’s leadership: the Star
    • Star leaders are often expansive, risk-taking go-getters who ensure high productivity for their organizations. Formidable models for others, they are efficient and supremely goal-oriented; consequently, they tend to rise to top organizational levels, or to run their own companies.
    • What under-developed Threes personify for all of us is our image-making. They're good at self-promotion and can be perceived as showcasing themselves at the expense of the team. Threes tend to look outward for their reflection in the eyes of others--and their inner life can be lacking. Their driving force is vanity, which shows up in the fixation of self-deception (e.g., convincing oneself that a failure to involve the team in a major business coup was not important because of the results achieved).
    • Developmental skills include learning to collaborate instead of compete, clarifying their own values/developing internal criteria (vs. external validation), learning from failure, and accessing their feelings. Their key development need is truthfulness, speaking from the essential self and not through personality needs.
  • 68. THREE’s management
    • Leadership: Entrepreneurial leader
    • Strategy: Achievement oriented
    • Decision Making: Success-oriented
    • Managing Change: Motivating
    • Delegating: The vain delegator
    • Communication: Persuasive communicator
    • Negotiation: Persuasive negotiator
    • Power: Image power
  • 69. Famous THREES
    • Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Jane Pauley, Michael Landon, Tony Robbins, Tom Cruise, Barbra Streisand, Sharon Stone, Madonna, Shirley MacLaine, Sting, Paul McCartney, Dick Clark, Whitney Houston, Ted Danson, Michael Jordan, Shania Twain, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarznegger, Billy Dee Williams, Kathy Lee Gifford, Truman Capote, and O.J. Simpson
  • 70. 4. The Romantic/Individualist/Artist/Designer
    • FOURS at their BEST
    • Warm
    • Compassionate
    • Introspective
    • Expressive
    • Creative
    • Intuitive
    • Supportive
    • Refined
    • Charismatic
    • Empathic
    • FOURS at their WORST
    • Depressed
    • Self-conscious
    • Guilt-ridden
    • Moralistic
    • Withdrawn
    • Stubborn
    • Moody
    • Self-absorbed
    • Moralistic
    • Demanding attention for their pain
    Motivated by the need to understand your feelings and to be understood, to search for the meaning of life and to avoid being ordinary. MBTI: INFJ,INFP,ENFJ,ISFP
  • 71. FOUR's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: not having identity or personal significance
    • Desire: to create an identity
    • THREE-wing: the Aristocrat
    • FIVE-wing: the Bohemian
  • 72. FOUR’s passion & fixation: envy & melancholy
    • Envy: something’s mission, yearning to fill the emptiness
    • Melancholy: bitter-sweet favor. When FOURS experience joy it is passionate and deep, but includes the knowledge that its opposite is never far away
  • 73. FOUR’s stress: toward TWO
    • Feel the need to change themselves
    • Push-pull way of relating, need to attract people and be approved of
  • 74. FOUR’s security: toward ONE
    • FOURS are idealists in the realm of feelings
    • Add perfectionism to personality and become critical
  • 75. FOUR subtypes
    • Self-preservation: take risks, live life recklessly. To really be alive means to experience life to the full, to be willing to take whatever comes along and ride with it
    • Social: fear for not being good enough so people will reject. Apply creativity to their involvement
    • Sexual: competitive
  • 76. FOUR’s relationships
    • Emotional experience vary so widely and intensely
    • Push-pull habit
    • Loyal and generous to real friend
  • 77. FOUR virtue & idea: equanimity & origin
    • Equanimity: being harmonious and complete in oneself
    • They are part of holy origin, celebrate and let that creative source express itself through them in their lives
  • 78. FOUR learning
  • 79. FOUR growth tips
    • Take up a body-based activity to learn to ground one’s self
    • When emotions become very strong about something, question them by tracking back to the first feeling which triggered them: it may be different from what one feels at the moment
    • Notice attention going to what is missing, and learn to value the positive aspects of what is here and now
    • Remind one’s self ‘abandonment’ was in the past and is not inevitable
    • Recognize specialty and self-absorption as a way of masking fears of abandonment: focus on what is important to someone else
    • Discover in one’s self the qualities which one envy in others
    • Drift off feelings
    • Avoid putting off things until in the right mood
    • Self-discipline
    • Avoid lengthy conversations in mind
  • 80. FOUR in business
    • The introspective, artistic type
    • Expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental
    • Deliver personalized service and/or develop distinctive products known for their refinement and sense of style
    • Uncompromising in their pursuit of the right effect, word, or design and of gauging the personal impact of a product
    • Dislike tasks that they feel are not creative or give them room for their personal imprint
    • Hypersensitive to criticism and can deteriorate into moodiness and erratic work habits
    • At their best, they bring intuition and creativity into the workplace and enrich it with their sense of depth, style, and appreciation of the personal dimension.
  • 81. FOUR’s leadership: the Innovator
    • Innovators are vital to the health of an organization because they are able to view things from a new slant and are not bound by tradition; they can keep an organization from slowly dying out of untested and outdated assumptions.
    • More in touch with their feelings than other types, they are in danger of sinking into moodiness if they meet with resistance to their ideas. The same talent that allows Fours to "look outside the box" can lead them to wonder why they never see things the way others do, and subsequently to question if they are flawed--their conversation is ripe with sad stories. Their driving force is envy, which shows up in the fixation of dissatisfaction, a perception that "the grass is always greener somewhere else."
    • Developmental skills include focusing more on strengths and resources and less on the "tragedy" of life, learning to develop the possibilities of their current jobs, shifting their moods through physical exercise or creative outlets, reframing self-criticism in more positive ways, and championing a program or process they believe in. Their key development need is equanimity, the ability to live in the moment.
  • 82. FOUR’s management
    • Leadership: Charismatic leadership
    • Strategy: Innovation-oriented
    • Decision Making: Feelings-centered
    • Managing Change: Revolutionary change
    • Delegating: The mundane delegator
    • Communication: The aesthetic communicator
    • Negotiation: The elegant negotiator
    • Power: Aesthetic power
  • 83. Famous FOURS
    • Ingmar Bergman, Alan Watts, Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morrisette, Paul Simon, Jeremy Irons, Patrick Stewart, Joseph Fiennes, Martha Graham, Bob Dylan, Miles Davis, Johnny Depp, Anne Rice, Rudolph Nureyev, J.D. Salinger, Anaîs Nin, Marcel Proust, Maria Callas, Tennessee Williams, Edgar Allan Poe, Annie Lennox, Prince, Michael Jackson, Virginia Woolf, Judy Garland, "Blanche DuBois" (Streetcar Named Desire), Thomas Merton
  • 84. 5. The Observer/Thinker/Investigator
    • FIVES at their BEST
    • Analytical
    • Persevering
    • Sensitive
    • Wise
    • Objective
    • Perceptive
    • Self-contained
    • Dedicated
    • Creative thinking
    • FIVES at their WORST
    • Intellectually arrogant
    • Stingy
    • Stubborn
    • Distant
    • Critical of others
    • Unassertive
    • Negative
    • Withdrawn
    • Distrustful
    • Out of touch
    Motivated by the need to know everything and understand the universe, to be self-sufficient and left alone, and to avoid not having the answer or looking foolish. MBTI: INTP,ISTP,INTJ,ISTJ
  • 85. FIVE's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: being useless, helpless, incapable
    • Desire: to be capable and competent
    • FOUR-wing: the Iconoclast
    • SIX-wing: the Problem Solver
  • 86. FIVE’s passion & fixation: avarice & stinginess
    • Avarice: feel the lacking the means for safe survival. Not usually material but information
    • Stinginess: The greatest necessities are time, energy & personal space. If demanded, they respond calmly to go away
  • 87. FIVE’s stress: toward SEVEN
    • Scan for possible escapes
  • 88. FIVE’s security: toward EIGHT
    • Take charge, be definite and forthcoming
    • Access anger
    • Physical enjoyment through touch
  • 89. FIVE subtypes
    • Self-preservation: my home is my castle. Create a warm, secure place where they have everything
    • Social: collect totem figures or totemic information
    • Sexual: exchange confidences enables them to feel safe. Confidentiality in physical expression
  • 90. FIVE’s relationships
    • Crave emotional connection
    • Back off from invasive or demanding
    • Attracted towards a person who allows them their own space
    • Need for privacy
    • Dislike being at the center of attention
  • 91. FIVE’s virtue & idea: non-attachment & omniscience
    • Non-attachment allows feelings, experiences and things to come and go, knowing that the universe is abundant. Allowing energy to flow more freely and sharing it makes self-renewing
    • Omniscience is the mind in which all knowing is available without thinking for accumulating knowledge. Discover they have access to wisdoms, safety is found in an inner experience of already knowing all they need
  • 92. FIVE learning
  • 93. FIVE growth tips
    • Take up a physical practice which helps ground in one’s body
    • Join a group which encourages self-disclosure
    • Let one’s self feel physical sensations and emotions as they happen
    • Notice how one’s mind detaches from feelings and sorts things into compartments, and how secrecy and superiority create separation
    • Cultivate here-and-now behavior, particularly allowing one’s self luxuries
    • Notice when one is controlling space/time/energy and manipulating others through restricting what and when one will give: start to allow the control to drop
    • Stay connected with physicality
    • Meditate, jogging, yoga, dancing
    • Learn from peers
    • Avoid distractions from non-supportive projects
    • Accept and work through conflicts
  • 94. FIVE in business
    • The perceptive, provocative type
    • Curious, innovative, secretive, and eccentric
    • Tireless learners and experimenters, especially in specialized or technical matters
    • Like to understand in detail, spend time on research, and follow their curiosity wherever it leads
    • Highly analytical and preoccupied with discovery, not paying attention to project time constraints and relationships
    • Deteriorate into arrogance and non-communication, intellectual bickering and oneupsmanship
    • At their best, Fives are visionary pioneers, bringing strikingly new ideas and profound depth to their work.
  • 95. FIVE’s leadership: the Synthesizer
    • Because of their ability to take in the whole picture and integrate its components in creative ways, well-developed Synthesizers can be consummate strategists and visionaries. Often very bright, they are extremely capable of influencing others through their knowledge.
    • Sometimes they sound like they're giving a dissertation. Although Fives can be profound and passionate leaders, they tend to disdain the role of emotions in human interaction. They are the most independent of the nine styles and prefer to be surrounded by other highly capable people who need no direction or external reinforcement. Their driving force is hoarding, which shows up particularly in their fixation on detachment from emotions, a "stinginess" of feelings.
    • Developmental skills include debating less and probing/ listening more with the goal of mutually satisfying solutions, taking their role as coach more seriously--including giving attention to group process (meetings, teamwork, etc.), and affirming others' positive efforts. Their key development need is nonattachment, engaging with others without fear of being overwhelmed.
  • 96. FIVE’s management
    • Leadership: Strategic leaders
    • Strategy: Expertise-oriented
    • Decision Making: Rational decision-making
    • Managing Change: Aggressive change manager
    • Delegating: The remote delegator
    • Communication: The impersonal communicator
    • Negotiation: The unemotional negotiator
    • Power: Expert power
  • 97. Famous FIVES
    • Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, Georgia O'Keefe, Stanley Kubrick, John Lennon, Lily Tomlin, Gary Larson, Laurie Anderson, Merce Cunningham, Meredith Monk, James Joyce, Bjšrk, Susan Sontag, Emily Dickenson, Agatha Christie, Ursula K. LeGuin, Jane Goodall, Glenn Gould, John Cage, Bobby Fischer, Tim Burton, David Lynch, Stephen King, Clive Barker, Trent Reznor, Friedrich Nietzsche, Vincent Van Gogh, Kurt Cobain, Jodie Foster, and "Fox Mulder" (X Files)
  • 98. 6. The Devil’s Advocate/Questioner/Loyalist/Networker/Defender/Troubleshooter
    • SIXES at their BEST
    • Loyal
    • Likable
    • Caring
    • Warm
    • Compassionate
    • Witty
    • Practical
    • Helpful
    • Responsible
    • Productive
    • Imaginative
    • Protective
    • SIXES at their WORST
    • Hyper-vigilant
    • Controlling
    • Unpredictable
    • Judgmental
    • Paranoid
    • Defensive
    • Rigid
    • Self-defeating
    • Testy
    • Ineffective
    • Inflexible
    Motivated by the need for security, to feel taken care of, or to control your fears. MBTI: ISFJ,ESFJ,INFP,ENFP
  • 99. SIX's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: being without support and guidance
    • Desire: to have security and support
    • FIVE-wing: the Defender
    • SEVEN-wing: the Buddy
  • 100. SIX’s passion & fixation: fear/doubt & cowardice
    • Doubt masks fear. 2 types of SIXES: fight (counter-phobic) or flight (phobic)
    • Coward in imagination: anticipate negative outcome and procrastinate
  • 101. SIX’s stress: toward THREE
    • Stop procrastinating, apply imagination to getting the job done
    • Working to illness reinforces distance from emotion
  • 102. SIX’s security: toward NINE
    • Soft, warm and loving
    • Non-initiation reinforces tendency to inaction
  • 103. SIX subtypes
    • Self-preservation: disarm potential hostility; be warm, giving, affectionate and personally loyal
    • Social: duty is important, ally with and actively support socially worthy group; focus on under-privileged
    • Sexual: affect others so as not to be affected, through strength and/or attractiveness and love of beauty
  • 104. SIX’s relationships
    • Look for whom to unite
    • Ask question without saying much about themselves
    • Express love and friendship through actions
  • 105. SIX’s virtue & idea: courage & faith
    • Courage: trusting body’s and heart’s intuition enough to act. In midst of calamitous danger the simply know what to do and have done it. Allow immediate life to affect them respond appropriately
    • Faith: practicing trust, focus on positive experience without questioning its hidden deaths
  • 106. SIX learning
  • 107. SIX growth tips
    • Take up a physical practice to help bring awareness into body and out of head; notice being braced to face the worse, and relax
    • Ask one’s self from time to time ‘Am I imagining this? Is it a genuine intuition or a projection?’ Ask friends for feedback and a reality check
    • Take time to remember and enjoy past successes and skills, and congratulate one’s self on present ones
    • Notice how doubt shuts out relationships (‘Can I trust them?’) and practice trusting and having faith
    • Use imagination: to create pleasant options, also to project threatening scenarios to the improbable limit so one can defuse and laugh at them
    • Counter-phobic Sixes: before going into action, ask one’s self if it is appropriate, and whether one has anything to prove
    • Work creatively to be more present to anxiety
    • Avoid pessimism
    • Identify what makes the anxiety
    • Work to become more trusting
  • 108. SIX in business
    • The engaging, loyal type
    • Likable, responsible, anxious, and suspicious
    • Are diligent and reliable workers
    • Build alliances and partnerships that help orient their co-workers and get things done
    • Are able to assess the motivations and relative merits of others and scan the business environment for potential problems
    • Dislike taking risks and want consensus and predictability
    • Indecisive and have difficulty taking responsibility or action without group authority and can deteriorate into evasiveness and blaming others
    • At their best, Sixes are self-reliant, independent, and courageous, often calling a group back to its root values.
  • 109. SIX’s leadership: the Partner
    • Partners at their best are highly team-oriented leaders and excellent managers who bring out the best in everyone. These are energetic executives who attend to interdependent organizational needs, which shows up in their language as thoughts about the group.
    • Their driving force is fear, which is manifested in less well-developed Sixes as a fixation on accusation of others (particularly those in authority). Sixes also look for hidden agendas, and experience self-doubt. They may procrastinate and/or blurt out their feelings with a kind of reckless courage (driven by their anxieties), and then worry that they've shot themselves in the foot--and they may have. The good news is that they challenge others in ways that hold them accountable; the bad news is that they're always looking for the bad news!
    • Developmental skills include getting a reality check on their fears, empowering themselves vs. blaming others, focusing more on possibilities vs. worries, and centering their verbal presentations on a central theme and several key points. Their key development need is courage, consistent with a certain kind of "morality": recognizing their own contribution to situations instead of playing "victim".
  • 110. SIX’s management
    • Leadership: Conservative leadership
    • Strategy: Risk-averse strategy
    • Decision Making: Decision through analysis
    • Managing Change: Traditionalist
    • Delegating: The insecure delegator
    • Communication: The cautious communicators
    • Negotiation: The inflexible negotiator
    • Power: Legitimate Power
  • 111. Famous SIXES
    • Robert F. Kennedy, Malcolm X, Princess Diana, George H. W. Bush, Tom Hanks, Bruce Springsteen, Candice Bergen, Gilda Radner, Meg Ryan, Helen Hunt, Mel Gibson, Patrick Swayze, Julia Roberts, Phil Donahue, Jay Leno, John Goodman, Diane Keaton, Woody Allen, David Letterman, Andy Rooney, Jessica Lange, Tom Clancy, J. Edgar Hoover, Richard Nixon, and "George Costanza" (Seinfeld)
  • 112. 7. The Enthusiast/Adventurer/Generalist/Visionary/Epicure/Materialist
    • SEVENS at their BEST
    • Fun-loving
    • Spontaneous
    • Imaginative
    • Productive
    • Enthusiastic
    • Quick
    • Confident
    • Charming
    • Curious
    • Perceptive
    • Generous
    • Creative
    • Caring
    • SEVENS at their WORST
    • Narcissistic
    • Impulsive
    • Unfocused
    • Rebellious
    • Undisciplined
    • Possessive
    • Manic
    • Self-destructive
    • Restless
    • Self-centered
    • Grabbing
    • Mendacious
    • Hypocritical
    • Ruthless
    Motivated by the need to be happy and plan fun things, to contribute to the world, and to avoid pain and suffering. MBTI: ESTP,ESFP,ENTP,ENFP
  • 113. SEVEN's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: being deprived and in pain
    • Desire: to have needs fulfilled
    • SIX-wing: the Entertainer
    • EIGHT-wing: the Realist
  • 114. SEVEN’s passion & fixation: gluttony & planning
    • Gluttony: focus on myriad enjoyable possibilities. Sample a little of all the best available
    • Planning: more fun planning for everything than doing, a way of being open to all possibilites
  • 115. SEVEN’s stress: toward ONE
    • Firm boundaries leads to them becoming irritable, nit-picking, angry at anything, self-critical
  • 116. SEVEN’s security: toward FIVE
    • Satisfied to take a more background role
  • 117. SEVEN subtypes
    • Self-preservation: gluttony expressed by forming a family of like-minded people
    • Social: go to the happiness of the group, short-term sacrifice own enjoyment for the group
    • Sexual: fascination to new people and their new possibilities
  • 118. SEVEN’s relationships
    • Value friendships and family
    • Loyal, supporting, stimulating
  • 119. SEVEN’s virtue & idea: sobriety and holy work
    • Sobriety: emotions are focused and single-pointed. The complete experience is only available within themselves
    • Holy work is the state which is called ‘the condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything’
  • 120. SEVEN learning
  • 121. SEVEN growth tips
    • Take up a meditation practice; notice the boredom factor in personal growth (been there, done that) and stay steady with it
    • Realize that pleasure is only half the story: remind one’s self to may be missing something, and include painful experiences
    • Notice one’s mind racing and reaching for options: slow down and focus on the present moment whether pleasant or painful; ask one’s self what one is avoiding
    • Let go of some of the options: a deeper focus on fewer things may bring one more valuable experiences
    • Notice one’s self rationalizing a re-framing, particularly when criticized or pinned down – ask one’s self: ‘What are the facts?’
    • Learn to include criticism and conflict
    • Observe impulses rather than giving in to them
    • Appreciate silence and solitude
    • Opportunities may come back again
    • Quality over quantity
    • Make sure what wanted is good for the long run
  • 122. SEVEN in business
    • The accomplished, upbeat type
    • Spontaneous, versatile, impulsive, and scattered
    • Thrive on change, variety, excitement, and innovation
    • Articulate and humorous, they are able to get others to support their ideas
    • In touch with the latest trends and are constantly looking for new possibilities and options
    • Natural multi-taskers but can also get overextended and lack follow-through
    • Deteriorate into endless talk and distractions, scattering their energy and talents and leaving many projects unfinished
    • At their best, Sevens focus on worthwhile goals and become highly productive and accomplished.
  • 123. SEVEN’s leadership: the Futurist
    • Charming and easy to talk to, highly evolved Futurists are the organization's cheerleaders because of their natural optimism. They focus on long-term perspective and possibilities. Equality is important to them, so Sevens sometimes have to work around organizational constraints.
    • Less developed leaders of this type can seem egotistical because they love to tell anecdotes and may forget to invite others to talk. They're sometimes perceived as lacking analytical ability because of oversimplifying or skating over the surface. The Seven's driving force is gluttony, a seeking of pleasure in order to avoid pain; consequently they are over-focused (fixated) on enthusiasm (the "bad" news is that they only want to hear the good news) and uneasy activity.
    • Developmental skills include contingency planning for problems, eliciting and accepting feedback, using negative reframing to counter their optimism, and -- particularly -- disciplining themselves to follow through on their own development (it's hard work)! Their key development need is temperance: seeking moderation and letting go of materialism.
  • 124. SEVEN’s management
    • Leadership: Visionary leadership
    • Strategy: Possibility-oriented
    • Decision Making: Participatory
    • Managing Change: Facilitator
    • Delegating: the optimistic delegator
    • Communication: the Diplomatic Communicator
    • Negotiation: The charming negotiator
    • Power: Referent power
  • 125. Famous SEVENS
    • John F. Kennedy, Benjamin Franklin, Leonard Bernstein, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Elizabeth Taylor, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Steven Spielberg, Federico Fellini, Richard Feynman, Timothy Leary, Robin Williams, Jim Carey, Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Bette Midler, Chuck Berry, Elton John, Mick Jagger, Gianni Versace, Liza Minelli, Joan Collins, Malcolm Forbes, Noel Coward, Sarah Ferguson, Larry King, Joan Rivers, Regis Philbin, Howard Stern, John Belushi, and "Auntie Mame" (Mame)
  • 126. 8. The Challenger/Asserter/Protector/Boss/Activator/Leader
    • EIGHTS at their BEST
    • Direct
    • Authoritative
    • Loyal
    • Energetic
    • Earthy
    • Protective
    • Self-confident
    • Deeply loving
    • Empowering
    • EIGHTS at their WORST
    • Controlling
    • Rebellious
    • Insensitive
    • Domineering
    • Self-centered
    • Skeptical
    • Aggressive
    • Cynics
    • Bullies
    • Law-breakers
    • Forcing, lying, violent
    Motivated by the need to be self-reliant and strong, to make an impact on the world, and to avoid being weak. MBTI: ENTJ,ESTJ,ENTP,ESTP
  • 127. EIGHT's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: being harmed or controlled
    • Desire: to protect one’s self
    • SEVEN-wing: the Maverick
    • NINE-wing: the Bear
  • 128. EIGHT’s passion & fixation: lust & vengeance
    • Lust for life: defuse energy and release strain of constant control, one way of self-forgetting
    • Vengeance: right the wrong
  • 129. EIGHT’s stress: toward FIVE
    • Withdraw to think things through and regain balance
  • 130. EIGHT’s security: toward TWO
    • More compliant, giving, easily affected
    • Protective and empowering instincts are magnified
    • Brings insecurities to retreat
  • 131. EIGHT subtypes
    • Self-preservation: ensure they have what they need to survive in a satisfactory way
    • Social: networking, introduce friends to each other, provide mutual support
    • Sexual: look for whom they can trust enough to surrender to and let go of control; vulnerable to betrayal
  • 132. EIGHT’s relationships
    • Independent and pleasure-loving
    • Loyal for life
    • Dogmatic
  • 133. EIGHT’s virtue & idea: innocence & truth
    • Innocence: world is without hidden intent. Their grasp for experiences is to recreate the essential experience of life force flowing through them fully and rightly
    • Truth: totality of existence as it is
  • 134. EIGHT learning
  • 135. EIGHT growth tips
    • Take up a meditation practice, and stay with it when one’s impulse is to get up and go
    • Use anger to remind one to relax and breathe deeply several times a day
    • Check out one’s impact with one’s friends and colleagues: are you being too much?
    • In confrontations, make sure one listen to the other side, and use it as an opportunity to recognize the validity of other points of view
    • Start to question whether excessive behaviors (socializing and so on) are a way of concealing and forgetting real priorities
    • Write down and review insights about one’s self daily as a way of opposing self-forgetfulness and denial
    • Act with self-restraint
    • Allow others to have their own way
    • Remember the world is not against one’s self
    • Be aware that one is dependent despite always wanting to be independent
    • Don’t overvalue power
  • 136. EIGHT in business
    • The powerful, decisive type
    • Self-confident, commanding, willful, and confrontational
    • Have a clear vision of what they want to accomplish and the willpower to make it happen
    • Make difficult decisions and see serious problems simply as challenges to be met, obstacles to be overcome
    • Want to be in control and find it difficult to delegate tasks or share leadership
    • Champion people, protecting and empowering them, but also can deteriorate into intimidation to get their way, making unnecessary enemies both within and outside the organization
    • At their best, they are magnanimous and generous, using their strength to improve others' lives.
  • 137. EIGHT’s leadership: the Advocate
    • Advocate leaders who have paid attention to their own development are able to shoulder huge responsibility without having to control everything. Right beneath the surface they are soft-hearted; when this is tempered with their typical self-confidence, they have loyal followers and can truly move mountains.
    • Unfortunately, Eights have the reputation of power mongers and tyrants because it is difficult for them to feel enough trust to acknowledge any vulnerability. Their driving force is lust/excess. Often, they feel it is their responsibility to intervene in and direct situations, and they pursue power and control (their fixation) aggressively. They hold a value for justice--as self-defined! Advocates can have a "bull - in - the - china - shop" approach because they speak in imperatives.
    • Developmental skills include enhancing their ability to put themselves in others' shoes, collaborative negotiation and active listening skills, and respecting and mentoring others. Their key development need is innocence -- a regaining of the child they never were, accompanied by a shift to more altruistic and benign modes of operating, a focus on service to the world.
  • 138. EIGHT’s management
    • Leadership: Autocratic leadership
    • Strategy: Aggressive strategy
    • Decision Making: Impulsive decision maker
    • Managing Change: Emergency change mgr.
    • Delegating: The controlling delegator
    • Communication: The blunt communicators
    • Negotiation: The win-lose negotiator
    • Power: coercive power
  • 139. Famous EIGHTS
    • Martin Luther King, Jr., Franklin Roosevelt, Lyndon Johnson, Mikhail Gorbachev, G.I. Gurdjieff, Pablo Picasso, Richard Wagner, Sean Connery, Susan Sarandon, Glenn Close, John Wayne, Charlton Heston, Norman Mailer, Mike Wallace, Barbara Walters, Ann Richards, Toni Morrison, Lee Iococca, Donald Trump, Frank Sinatra, Bette Davis, Roseanne Barr, James Brown, Chrissie Hynde, Courtney Love, Leona Helmsley, Sigourney Weaver, Fidel Castro, and Saddham Hussein
  • 140. 9. The Peacemaker/Mediator/Universalist/Preservationlist
    • NINES at their BEST
    • Pleasant
    • Peaceful
    • Generous
    • Patient
    • Receptive
    • Diplomatic
    • Open-minded
    • Empathic
    • Generous
    • Forgiving
    • NINES at their WORST
    • Spaced-out
    • Forgetful
    • Stubborn
    • Obsessive
    • Apathetic
    • Passive-aggressive
    • Judgmental
    • Unassertive
    • Needy
    • Indecisive
    Motivated by the need to keep the peace, merges with others, and avoid conflict. MBTI: ISFP,INFP,ISFJ,ESTP
  • 141. NINE's fear - desire - wings
    • Fear: loss and separation
    • Desire: peace in mind
    • EIGHT-wing: the Referee
    • ONE-wing: the Dreamer
  • 142. NINE’s passion & fixation: sloth & indolence
    • Sloth keeps them disconnected from their own emotions, replacing them with awareness of others’ moods
    • Inertial indolence: self-neglect, cannot motivate themselves to choose and act. Narcotizing: numbing themselves with repetitive & compulsive inessential activities
  • 143. NINE’s stress: toward SIX
    • Fearful
    • Either withdrawn & more compliant or obdurate, more stubborn and belligerent
    • Indecisions turn to doubt, only safety lies in refusing to act
  • 144. NINE’s security: toward THREE
    • Energy directed, achieve
    • Tendency to seek approval leads to them doing what others want
  • 145. NINE subtypes
    • Self-preservation: avoid taking action
    • Social: merging with the group, act on behalf of the group to the extent that they lose themselves
    • Sexual: find a person with whom they can merge completely, feeling thereby they will find themselves
  • 146. NINE’s relationship
    • Supportive relationships are important
    • Avoid commitment and disengaging
  • 147. NINE’s virtue & idea: right action & love
    • Right action: understand energy and intuitive wisdom lie in them
    • Love: ‘I’ means to be separate. Them realize they do not need to deny or suppress themselves since they are already fundamentally inseparable and loved in return
  • 148. NINE learning
  • 149. NINE growth tips
    • Start a daily practice of previewing what is important for one today, and reviewing how well one did with this
    • Start a practice or join a group which encourages one to contact and express one’s gut feelings in the moment, including anger
    • Notice when one get distracted or obsessive, what the accompanying feelings were/are, and start to let one’s self feel them through
    • Avoid belittling one’s self and making others more important or more intelligent
    • Decide on goals, make action plans with clear time frames, and enlist support in sticking to them
    • Notice one’s stubbornness and passive resistance, and start to state what one disagree with
    • Be one’s self
    • Exert one’s self
    • Recognize own feelings
    • Be award of sacrificing peace in mind for the satisfaction of genuine relationship
  • 150. NINE in business
    • The easygoing, accommodating type
    • Receptive, reassuring, agreeable, and complacent
    • Create harmony among group members by emphasizing the positive so that conflicts and tensions can be eased
    • Supportive and inclusive and work with everyone, humbly allowing others to shine
    • Dislike conflict and division in the team and try to create harmony and stability
    • May accommodate others and avoid self-assertion too much, becoming secretly angry as a result
    • Deteriorate into ineffectual "make-work," stubborn passivity, and serious neglect
    • At their best, they are able to negotiate differences and bring people together in a stable but dynamic way.
  • 151. NINE’s leadership: the Diplomat
    • Serene and centered, well-developed Diplomats bring cooperation to any organization; they are highly capable of dealing with others' problems and building consensus. They have a natural tendency to honor diversity, and can get along with almost anyone.
    • Unexamined Nines tend to merge with others' preferences, however, and to forget their own. Taking a strong position is particularly difficult for them, because they see all sides of an issue and because they are essentially non-aggressive. Their driving force is indolence--not that they're lazy (they're very hard workers) but that they are out of touch with their own wishes, a fixation on self-forgetting. Though quiet, once they get started they tend toward epic tales (they hold so many alternative views it's hard to focus).
    • Developmental skills include learning to speak up/confront others, recognizing passive-aggressive behavior/becoming more assertive, setting priorities/sticking to them, staying focused, and initiating change. Their key development need is active engagement, the willingness to stay focused on their own purpose, without distraction.
  • 152. NINE’s management
    • Leadership: Empowering leadership
    • Strategy: Harmony-centered strategy
    • Decision Making: Consensus-oriented decision
    • Managing Change: Collaborative change manager
    • Delegating: The naive delegator
    • Communication: The ambiguous communicator
    • Negotiation: The win-win negotiator
    • Power: Group power
  • 153. Famous NINES
    • Abraham Lincoln, Joseph Campbell, Carl Jung, Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, Queen Elizabeth II, Princess Grace, Walter Cronkite, George Lucas, Walt Disney, John Kennedy, Jr., Sophia Loren, Geena Davis, Lisa Kudrow, Kevin Costner, Keanu Reeves, Woody Harrelson, Ron Howard, Matthew Broderick, Ringo Starr, Whoopi Goldberg, Janet Jackson, Nancy Kerrigan, Jim Hensen, Marc Chagall, Norman Rockwell, "Edith Bunker" (Archie Bunker), and "Marge Simpson" (The Simpsons)
  • 154. ILLUSTRATIONS
  • 155.  
  • 156.  
  • 157.  
  • 158. COMPARISON TABLES
  • 159. Flattery Impressive Failure Emptiness Vanity I am successful, efficient. Heart 3 – competitive, boastful, manipulative Exhorting Guarded Anger Depression Prudence I am correct. I am right. Gut 1 – strict, authoritarian, defensive Direct Debunk Prophetic Being cheated Confront Instant Action I am powerful. I can do. Gut 8 – arrogant, dominating, inconsiderate, stubborn III. AGGRESSIVE PERSONS Chatty Spiritual Conflict Problematic situations Taking things slightly I am OK, fine, nice. Head 7 – lack self-discipline, happy-go-lucky immature Cautious Deviance mistakes Reflection I am obedient, faithful, loyal. Head 6 – lack self-confidence, lack conviction Attending Advising Imposing on others Affirmation attending I can give, support. Heart 2 – shy repressed II. DEPENDENT PERSONS Theoretical On & On Stupidity Intellectualization Rationalization I am wise, perceptive. Heart 5 – indifferent ascetic problematic Protracted Lamentation Pressure Ordinariness Introspection I am special, unique, refined. Heart 4 – lonely Brief Emotionalism Excitability Calmness. Serenity I am set. I am settled. Gut 9 – passive phlegmatic I. WITHDRAWN PERSONS Style of Speaking Avoidance Ego-Fixation Idealization Energy Center
  • 160. Overall aim and attitude http://www.wischik.com/damon/Texts/enneagram.html Restlessness, presumption Weakness Seriousness Break laws Rely on others Ordinariness Acceptance of failure Sense of own needs Not try to do better Sense of Vice Sloth Arrogance, lack of remorse Inauthentic reaction to reality Self-righteous Lack of generosity Vainglory Vanity Manipulativeness Anger What the virtue really is Sense of justice Gentle disposition Temperance Commitment to absolute values Reflective dialogue Simplicity Humility Virtuous love of self Self-acceptance What the vice really is Detachment Strength Constant cheerfulness Obeying rules Lone thinker, withdrawn, aloof Sensitivity, couthness Success, efficiency Helpfulness Critical standards for self Sense of Virtue I’m OK I’m powerful I’m nice I’m loyal I’m knowing I’m unique I’m successful I’m helpful I’m hard-working Pride Tranquil, harmonious Strong, just Fun-filled Dutiful, loyal, responsible Full of learning Unique Successful Helpful Perfect Seek to be Conflict Weakness Pain Deviance Emptiness Ordinariness Failure Recognizing one’s needs Anger Avoid NINE EIGHT SEVEN SIX FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE
  • 161. Attitudes and Characters http://www.wischik.com/damon/Texts/enneagram.html Metronomic, need schedules Control time, punctual Time is expandable, procrastinate Time is the boss Watch time go by reflectively Time is measure by emotional intensity Time is to be used Interpersonal is good time Not enough time, dragged on by it Experience of time Gut Gut Gut Gut Gut,Heart Heart Head Head,Gut Heart Head Head Head Head Head,Heart Gut Heart Heart,Head Gut Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart,Gut Head Gut Gut,Heart Head Centre Active Denied Harmony Control Plans Apprehensions Correctness Scripts Appearances Approval Shoulds Resulting sense of life Withdrawing Aggressive Dependent Dependent Withdrawing Withdrawing Aggressive Dependent Aggressive Mode of behavior Outer-inner harmony Inner order Outer order Outer-inner harmony Inner order Outer order Outer-inner harmony Inner order Outer order Self-concept NINE EIGHT SEVEN SIX FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE
  • 162. Faults http://www.wischik.com/damon/Texts/enneagram.html lack a natural spontaneous response, content with habitual friends, content with repetitious interests think they are relating, when actually asserting make plans, presume others will fall in threatened by new knowledge, rigid behaviour, duty rather than affection deliberate, self-conscious, awkward behaviour is put-on, expressing feeling not self sacrifice personal relationships, only interested in self-service, body-language is a mark narrow perspective, only talk about people special to them biased thinking, make situation deal with them, not try to understand whole Behavior Elephant Rhino Monkey Rabbit Fox Basset hound Peacock Cat Terrier Totem Indolence, relying on others Anaesthetized to life Authoritarianism Quick to negate, slow to affirm, sledgehammer Tries to avoid pain, over-indulgence Whitewash the unpleasant Legalism, self-righteousness Unsure for self, lack confidence to act on own, indecisive Aloof, concerns about other’s thought rather than understanding Elaborate system substitutes for reality Melancholy, snobbish, unreal as a person Dramatize ordinary suffering Success machine, with no place for others Image-conscious, vanity Clingly, selfish, manipulative Project, repress, deny own needs, little identity apart from ability to help Obsessive, fussy, on edge, hard to live with one’s self Obsessed with unreal perfection Pitfalls Laziness Arrogance Over-indulgence Fear Stinginess Envy Deceit Pride Acidic inner anger Passion NINE EIGHT SEVEN SIX FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE
  • 163. Good points http://www.wischik.com/damon/Texts/enneagram.html Gold or saffron Black or white Green Beige Cobalt Mauve Bright yellow Red Silver Symbolic color Porpoise Tiger Butterfly Deer Owl Black beauty Bald eagle Irish setter Ant Redeemed Totem patience sense of justice, fearless, speaks up, doesn't compromise, conscience enjoyment, fun loyalty, dedication to his society, dutiful seek wisdom, guru sensitive work hard for achievement responds to people's needs idealism, fairness Good points quality excellent reconcilers, naturally objective, impartial, dispassionate see through pretension and hypocrisy, gravitate to power, use strength to debunk optimistic, enthusiastic, guileless, contagious enjoyment of life loyality, conscience think systematically, generalize romantic, passion for spontaneity and simplicity, original expression enthusiastic, precise, good leaders helpful, attentive, see others' needs persue perfection, defend truth, generously teach others, self-improvement Good points to take on NINE EIGHT SEVEN SIX FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE
  • 164. RELATIONSHIPS
  • 165. ONE – ONE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Ones bring the same general qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls of this pair. Two Ones will be concerned with fairness, truthfulness, keeping agreements, schedules, consistency, and treating the other wish respect and dignity. Work and taking care of responsibilities will tend to come first, with play and pleasure taking a back seat for this couple. Vacations and leisure, partying and recreation will all be fitted in after the more important things are accomplished. Each will feel like (and take the role of) the adult in most situations, making for a highly competent, rational approach to life and problem solving.
    • In their dealings with each other (as well as with family and friends), two Ones will want to be objective and reasonable, fair and truthful above all else—and will seek these qualities in others. They create an atmosphere of clarity and precision in which their own interactions with each other (and with friends and family) feel clean—not sticky or sentimental or loaded with unspoken ulterior motives. A double One pairing often is created and sustained by shared ideals as well as the desire to put those ideals into practice. Both Ones are typically people who have solid convictions which they enjoy talking about, often with noteworthy articulateness and passion. They also typically have a certain strength of character and a degree of wisdom—which both admire in the other. They could not bear being in a relationship with someone they did not respect and whose character was not sterling. Ones bring their hard-earned wisdom to others, above all, by fighting for tolerance, dignity, and rights of everyone.
  • 166. ONE – ONE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Both Ones are governed by a strong sense of right and wrong as well as a sense of responsibility, giving them a feeling of self-restraint and a tendency to feel responsible both for themselves and for everything else in their lives—including the quality of the relationship itself. There can be a noticeable tone of formality in this combination with a reluctance to say or do anything that would be undignified or out of keeping with their sense of propriety and appropriateness. They will have little tolerance for sloppiness, error, or whatever they define as childish behavior in anyone. Irritation and condescending sarcasm are how they express anger with each other, occasionally exploding into a litany of long-standing grievances that have been loaded in their mental account books. Easily frustrated by mistakes or lapses in themselves, they are equally aware of short-comings in each other.
    • Average Ones can begin to make the other into a perpetual, unfinished improvement project, although two Ones may well find it too uncomfortable to treat each other this way. They may strike an unspoken deal with each other in which their main criticisms are directed toward others or toward social problems instead. They may bond with each other by becoming indignant about issues and the errors and foolishness of others. They may thus climb atop Olympus together and look down on the world from their privileged, condescending vantage point. Depending on their Level of health, double One couples tend to find few people who measure up to their high standards, with the result that there are fewer social interactions and increasing self-imposed isolation. Some eccentricity and strange habits (both personally and as a couple) can result as they withdraw more completely from most human connections. Two Ones can begin to feel that they are all the world they need-but it can begin to be a cold, unforgiving world as they also begin to barely tolerate each other.
  • 167. ONE – TWO
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Ones and Twos are a complementary couple since both offer the other the example of their own qualities. Both types are highly dutiful and are attracted to service roles and occupations: both may be teachers, ministers, or health care workers who have long hours and many responsibilities. One and Two couples are often professionals whose work takes them out of the house and requires the focus of their attention to be on the needs of others, not on the relationship itself or even on themselves personally. People in this kind of relationship are often unusually mature and independent and able to obtain their emotional needs from a variety of people and connections, including their professional ones. They bring high ideals, strong ethical standards, and the desire to serve others to the relationship itself, keeping the relationship strong and in touch with solid values and practical perspectives.
    • The relationship is built around shared values: both are on a path of some kind together. Twos bring the nurturing and feelings that Ones do not easily allow themselves: they help Ones soften and relax. On the other hand, Ones bring integrity, conscientiousness, responsibility, and consistency. They are steady, reliable, and truthful. Ones commit strongly which makes the Two feel secure and that they won't be abandoned. Further, Twos bring warmth, a concern with people and a willingness to make exceptions to the rule for individuals in need. They are aware of suffering and work hard and generously to alleviate it wherever they can. Twos are more convivial and welcoming than Ones and can warm up the One's more typically reserved exterior—which most Ones are glad to have happen.
  • 168. ONE – TWO (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • For as concerned about the needs of others as Ones and Twos are, ironically, they tend not to be very aware of their own needs or able to express them easily. Ones feel that life is serious business and that work must always come before play; the lower impulses of the self must be held tightly in check. Twos feel that they must take care of everyone else's needs before they are allowed to have needs themselves. Life is about serving others and making themselves useful to so that others will need them and want them in their lives. Both Ones and Twos, therefore, find it difficult to talk about what they are actually feeling, what is actually going on in the relationship, and what they actually want. In this kind of relationship, there are often ulterior motives and unstated agendas, with no one able to admit that they are not getting what they want—much less that they might not be happy or fulfilled. For both, getting what they want feels selfish and forbidden. Ones can begin to feel disappointed by the Two's tendency to give so much of themselves to others and to be so unregulated regarding time and attention. Twos can seem to Ones to be everywhere else serving on yet another committee or charitable group but in the home or at their job, fulfilling their primary responsibilities.
    • On the other hand, Twos can see Ones as too impersonal and unconcerned with others, not sympathetic or charitable enough. They can begin to be disappointed in the reality of the One's idealism, thinking that Ones may love humanity but have little real compassion for real people. Ones can be uncomfortable with the Two's effusiveness and need for contact; Twos can be uncomfortable with the One's sarcasm and irritability. Both will simmer with anger that will slowly but inexorably, lead to escalating arguments. Both can begin to become condemnatory and critical of the other as the relationship drifts apart.
  • 169. ONE – THREE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Ones and Threes are both competent, serious minded, and idealistic. This is a highly task-oriented relationship, with both partners driven to hard work and to be intensely aware when, individually and collectively, they are not measuring up to their own expectations and high standards. Both parties can bring selflessness, self-discipline, good work habits, and the ability to put aside their personal feelings for the sake of the objective good that needs to be done. Both types are used to working so hard that they often succeed, garnering admiration from those around them and attaining places of leadership and responsibility. The One and Three combination can be dazzlingly accomplished, high energy, extraordinarily competent and impressive both individually and collectively. They both strive after excellence, both as an ideal and as something to personally embody. Sometimes they succeed so well that this pairing virtually glows with self-confidence and the thrill of their own talents. They strive to make each other proud of them, someone the other can look up to and show off to his or her friends and family. They enjoy planning and organizing their lives, dividing up responsibilities after seeing who is objectively better at which tasks. Both thrive on respect and give each other personal space.
    • There are only two other equally goal-oriented pairings, a One with One combination and a Three with Three pairing, although since these both are same type pairings, they typically have blind spots that these combinations will need to be aware of. Because the One/Three is a mixed pair, this produces a powerful coalition that is capable of dealing both with ideals and with practical matters. They will try to solve problems in the relationship by discussing the issues involved since neither likes emotionally charged bickering or unresolved issues. Ones help Threes to be more grounded and realistic; Threes help Ones stretch themselves and not be so perfectionistic. They are both industrious and persistent, efficient and concerned with excellence and with making a real difference in the world.
  • 170. ONE – THREE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • If this relationship gets into trouble, it is often over time commitments, lack of emotional attachment to each other, and a creeping sense of competition. Further, Ones tend to find Threes too workaholic, pragmatic, and too concerned with image and with their reputations rather than with principle. Ones can see Threes as tending to cut corners in ethical matters, willing to exaggerate or fudge the truth in order to achieve whatever they are after. They can also become critical of Threes if they change their goals pragmatically, dropping efforts or switching positions when something does not work for them. Ones may also have issues with Threes attempting to reinterpret ethical questions and with not owning up to their personal behavior, including their behavior regarding fidelity in the relationship itself.
    • On the other hand, Threes tend to find Ones too rigid and judgmental in their attitudes and inflexible in various areas. While Threes generally value Ones' organizational ability and ability get things done, Threes can also feel that Ones are too narrow-minded and methodical, too perfectionistic and focused on details rather than results. Threes may have issues with Ones about feeling they are being stifled or judged both for their attitudes and for their actions. Threes thrive on praise, but stressed Ones are unable to give any credit to themselves, much less to anyone else. Threes see Ones' critiques of them as nitpicking and time wasting. Eventually, Threes start avoiding Ones, triggering Ones' abandonment issues—and more anger and criticism. Both gradually lose respect for the other: Ones losing respect for the Three's integrity, and Threes losing respect for Ones effectiveness. An open break can occur, but if both find the relationship useful, it can endure as a professional marriage without much passion but because it is useful to both parties for their continued professional success and personal status.
  • 171. ONE – FOUR
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Ones and Fours have an intense mutual interest to bring something good and beautiful into the world. Both are idealistic and concerned with getting it right in their work and self-expressions. Both see how things could be, how a project could become an expression of an ideal form, if all went well. By working together, something universal and transcendent could result in their work and in their relationship itself. Ones bring a desire for objectivity, truth, value, and reason to the relationship. They offer self-discipline, good work habits, and regularity to the relationship. Ones are conscientious and will sublimate themselves and their personal needs for the greater good, including the shared vision and goals that they feel are at the core of the relationship itself. Ones can act as valuable sounding boards for Fours, offering advice and wisdom when Fours get confused by the multitude of their feelings or their self-doubts. Fours bring creativity, intense feelings, sensuality, spontaneity, inspiration, and the ability to tap into dreams, the unconscious, and other universal forces. Their expressiveness and emotionality can be a welcome counterbalance to the One's typical formality and sense of order and reason.
    • Fours give Ones permission to explore and express the full range of the One's feelings and passions. Ones help Fours actualize their dreams by supporting creativity with healthy self-discipline and appropriate structure. In general, Ones bring self-restraint to the relationship, which may act as a model for Fours, who tend to be more unregulated. Both types have a taste for refinement, beauty, and a cultivation of the arts, and if both appreciate what the other offers, they can make a long lasting, productive team that helps balance the limitations of the other while bringing out qualities that each lacks—one of the primary functions of all good relationships.
  • 172. ONE – FOUR (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • A relationship between Ones and Fours can sometimes be like mixing oil and water: they tend to separate quickly because they see things from the opposite points of view. Ones think that they are almost always being sensible and objective, while Fours do not try to be "objective"—they want to see things from the subjective, personal side. While both bring a kind of idealism to the relationship, it is usually idealism applied to different things. Ones will be idealistic about social causes, morality, politics, and global issues, while Fours are idealistic, even perfectionistic, about aspects of their personal lives—their lifestyle, their mate, and their choice of work. Both can reinforce each other's sense of superiority, leading to elitism and snobbery toward others. Both can become disdainful and condescending toward those who have less breeding, taste, or sense of refinement—and the habit of being disappointed in others can be turned against each other as well.
    • Both types are ironically highly aware of their impulses, their sensuality, their longings and frustrations, but they both attempt to handle these issues in diametrically different ways. Thus, one of the biggest areas of conflict between Ones and Fours is in self-discipline versus self-indulgence, between personal and emotional impulses either being acted out (Fours) or being suppressed (Ones). Ones can begin to see Fours as hopelessly emotional, self-absorbed and self-indulgent, while Fours can begin to see Ones as insufferably rigid, judgmental, and cold. Fours can become as angry, critical, intolerant, and self-righteous as low-functioning Ones, and Ones can become as melancholy, self-pitying, alienated, and depressed as low-functioning Fours. In short, Ones and Fours may end by being disaffected with each other for being the way they are: they are not an imagined ideal. Both can be unforgiving, keeping scores and remembering long-past hurts. The relationship can deteriorate into bitter frustration with each other and end as the result of rancorous arguments.
  • 173. ONE – FIVE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Ones and Fives are alike in many ways, particularly in their reticence to show their emotions directly and in their identification with their minds. Both see themselves as fact-oriented, although Fives are more purely mental while Ones like their ideas and philosophies to have practical ramifications. Both bring to their relationship a desire to be objective; they both want to avoid falling into sentimentality, or to allow their feelings to cloud their mental clarity. Ones and Fives share a rich mental life of intellectual stimulation, curiosity, and a multiplicity of mutual interests—from the opera to sports to politics to economics to history, and so forth. Ones and Fives often enjoy each other's company and intellectual stimulation, loving to debate and admiring the intelligence and expertise exhibited by the other. Unexpectedly, they tickle each other's funny bone—this pair loves to laugh together at life's absurdities. Child rearing, traveling, building a house, shared hobbies, or other complex activities are mutually stimulating and bonding for them.
    • They both are highly respectful of personal boundaries, rarely being the one to make the first move in anything regarding intimacy unless they have pretty strong signals from the other that they would be welcomed. Thus, Ones and Fives tend to bring a certain formality and courtesy to each other that can be charmingly courtly and old-fashioned. Ones add to this a concern with logic and order, with systematic thinking, attention to details and the desire to improve the world around them. Fives bring curiosity, the willingness to be intellectually (and sexually) adventuresome, a taste for the bizarre and illogical, and the ability to relish disorder, chaos, and lack of apparent meaning. There is quiet affectionate appreciation in this pairing. If romance develops, it develops slowly but deeply.
  • 174. ONE – FIVE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • As intellectual as both types tend to be, they are also opposites in important areas, and this can lead to conflicts and the eventual breakdown of their relationship. Most seriously, Ones tend to believe in the objectivity of certain truths and believe that once these are known, there is the possibility of arriving at objective certitude. Ones feel that their ideals and philosophy have given them contact with some form of ultimate Truth, and therefore they are living from a viewpoint in which acquiring certainty is a moral imperative. Fives, on the other hand, feel that there is no such thing as objective truth, merely possible interpretations for what seems to be objective reality. We may come to some degree of consensus, but that does not necessarily mean that our consensus reflects anything completely objective. It just means that we choose to think the same way. Fives are thus skeptics and debunkers of certitude. They love to debate and deflate ironclad philosophies and self-righteously held positions wherever they find them. Thus, less healthy Ones can drift into various forms of fundamentalism, believing that they hold the key to truth, while Fives can become provocative nihilists, believing that there is no truth.
    • In a relationship, both types find it very difficult to change their basic philosophies of life—and they both find it difficult to respect anyone who believes the opposite of them. Yet both can respect the other's boundaries to a fault, not wanting to impose their own beliefs on the other. The relationship can thus become cool and distant, impersonal and analytic, tinged with resignation and cynicism. Ones can feel that Fives are too impractical and endlessly concerned with irrelevancies; Fives can feel that Ones are too serious and rigid and that they take their opinions far too seriously. Both can become too self-contained, evolving their lives in separate spheres-perhaps only getting together for occasional meals, to sleep, or to solve pressing problems. Coldness and isolation take over and may last for years, without either of them realizing it very clearly much less feeling that either of them can do very much about it.
  • 175. ONE – SIX
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Ones and Sixes are alike in many ways and they are often misidentified with each other. Both types are extremely hard workers, conscientious, serious minded, and have a strong sense of duty and honor. They both care deeply about truth and commitment, and both have a desire to serve others and improve the world. Both have a guiding sense of purpose, often lead by deeply held beliefs and ideals. Of course, they also bring other qualities that are especially their own. Ones bring a sense of reason and mental clarity, the ability to think clearly under pressure and to come to firm decisions quickly. They are more sure of themselves and their opinions than Sixes tend to be, so Ones often serve as the leader in a One-Six relationship, making the final decision and taking responsibility for it. Ones also bring a concern for order and consistency, for logic and elegance that is sometime lacking in Sixes. They may also bring a distinct idealism that has little to do with personal loyalty or hero worship (as it may in a Six).
    • On the other hand, Sixes bring warmth, more emotional responsiveness and availability, generosity, and playfulness that can be endearing and which can make Ones think twice about their certitudes and positions. Sixes also have the ability to connect with people in a more direct and human way than Ones tend to do. These qualities are attractive to the other and they can make this couple a dynamic and yet highly stable team, provided their fundamental beliefs are in alignment. They take responsibility in relationships, sharing burdens and chores equally. They also feel that they can count on the other: they are steadfast, loyal, and faithful to each other, wanting to build a solid foundation together. Because both can count on the other, this gives both room to relax—something they both need to do more often.
  • 176. ONE – SIX (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • As stress increases, Ones become more critical and judgmental of everyone including themselves and their partner. They tend to be a clear case of all work and no play, making them fairly joyless and difficult to be around even in the average Levels. Ones begin to feel that others are not trying hard enough, are not serious enough, or not mature and meticulous enough—or certainly not as much as Ones are themselves. This creates resentment and accusations and fairly constant bickering which can be extremely wearing on Sixes more than it is on Ones. As they become more stressed, Sixes become increasingly emotionally reactive, worrying and insecure, looking to their partner to be a bulwark of stability and fairness. What Sixes find instead are Ones who are critical, faultfinding, and rejecting—driving Sixes deeper into their feelings of anxiety and insecurity. This often makes Sixes begin to doubt the future of the relationship, feeling that it is likely doomed, which can often become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
    • If tensions continue, Sixes will be increasingly defensive and evasive; they will also tend to work harder and to stay away from home more frequently so that they can avoid spending time with the One. Sixes will also find it difficult to talk directly about their feelings or fears, and so little gets adequately aired out. As Sixes become more inconsistent and unreliable, these reactions fuel the One's resentment and disappointment in them. Stalwart Sixes begin to not show up or do even the minimum of what is expected of them, driving Ones into fits of frustration and apoplexy. Moreover, Ones find the anxieties and defensiveness of Sixes frustrating and they begin be angry and condescending toward them. Ones will become increasingly cold and critical until Sixes lash out at them, blaming them for their predicament. Anger, resentment, accusations, and name-calling can be part of the picture as the relationship deteriorates.
  • 177. ONE – SEVEN
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Ones and Sevens have a particular complementary and reciprocal relationship. They are opposites who can either bring something needed to the other person, thereby helping both to achieve new growth (or, as we will see) they can drive each other further apart by playing on each other's weaknesses whether consciously or not. Ones bring conscientiousness, orderliness, good work habits, methodical attention to detail, and a pleasure in maintaining excellence and high standards. Sevens bring spontaneity, high energy, curiosity, an orientation toward fun and adventure, the desire to try new things, and an ability to not get too hung up with getting everything done perfectly. Both types can be initiators and planners, future-oriented and idealistic, although Sevens tend to prefer having multiple options and to keep all plans loose enough so that they can be changed as needed. They bring freedom and spontaneity. Ones are more methodical and help Sevens stay on track—they resist getting distracted by too many options, and excel at following through with their plans.
    • Sevens offer Ones a sense of excitement and life as a source of pleasure and enjoyment. Ones offer Sevens a sense of purpose and idealism, as well as direction and the feeling that life is noble and meaningful. Sevens keep Ones' spirits up, refreshing their idealism while preventing the relationship from becoming too heavy. Ones help steady Sevens, keeping them working systematically and consistently toward goals. Sevens appreciate the One's consistency and reliability and are glad to have someone who can attend to details. These two types can be highly supportive of each other as long as their ultimate values are congruent and as long as they are both working for the same fundament things in life. This tends to be a stimulating relationship for both—they stretch each other and are fascinated and challenged by their differences.
  • 178. ONE – SEVEN (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • As stress increases, Ones become increasingly critical, judgmental, inflexible, and insistent that things be done only one way, the right way—their way. They inevitably begin to see Sevens as undisciplined and inefficient, self-centered and childish. Ones feel that Sevens are scattered and tend to fool around too much, over-extending resources and overbooking themselves and promising too much to too many people. Ones also often feel that Sevens are unfocused and scattered simply to annoy them and to get back at them passive-aggressively, without seeming to be hostile or petty themselves. On the other hand, Sevens tend to see lower functioning Ones as too prissy and perfectionistic, and ultimately, as someone who needs to be kicked in the pants to loosen them up a bit. Conflicts between these two types also often focus on organizational and financial matters, with Ones feeling that Sevens are profligate and wasteful while Sevens feel Ones are too tight-fisted and have no vision or pizzazz.
    • Sevens eventually tire of the One's continual criticism and dissatisfaction with them. Pursuing other options in the relationship becomes more and more attractive since Sevens deeply resist feeling trapped or being in situations that continually produce unhappiness. Unfortunately, low functioning Ones continually contribute to this. If matters continue to deteriorate, Ones will lose respect for Sevens who become increasingly pushy and demanding, with a calloused, vulgar tone. Ones find this extremely embarrassing to be around, and can become disillusioned and depressed, withdrawing emotional connection from Sevens. Thus, a disdainful contempt for the other can enter the picture from both sides, making reconciliation even more difficult. Ones criticize Sevens for a while, then silently give up on them until some event spells the fatal blow to the relationship.
  • 179. ONE – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Ones and Eights bring a common concern with fighting for truth and justice in their world. They both often feel (although in different ways and for different reasons) that it is up to them to stand against whatever they perceive as injustice or falseness. Both can see themselves as gallant crusaders protecting the weak, righting wrongs, and making the world a better place. In a relationship, these two types are both action-oriented, and if their attention and energy is turned toward social causes in particular, they can have a big effect on their family and their community, perhaps even their country or the world. Both bring a certain nobility of vision and a focused purpose, practicality, and perseverance in supporting whatever they believe is right. Both are willing to sacrifice a great deal to do what they believe needs to be done. For both, fairness is centrally important. (Ones bring a sense of absolute or ideal truth and justice whereas Eights bring a more practical and immediate approach to these concepts.)
    • The combination can be very powerful: they accomplish things with a clear cut sense of purpose and personal mission. Both are decisive and direct, although Eights bring a passion and gusto that counterbalances the One's self-restraint and propriety. Ones can find Eights exciting, physical, and earthy-all the things that they restrain in themselves. Thus, there can be a strong attraction from both sides. Further, Eights recognize that Ones are as strong-willed and determined as they are: they cannot easily sway or bowl over Ones. Eights thus admire their conviction and are attracted to the challenge of getting closer to Ones. In many ways, these two types are opposites-the pirate and the schoolteacher-although both could learn a great deal from the other, if they are willing to listen to someone with such different values, reactions, and ways of doing things.
  • 180. ONE – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • What breaks Ones and Eights up is often the very thing that attracted them in the first place: how different they are from each other, like fire and ice. This is a relatively rare romantic pairing; it is easier for them to be friends or colleagues than to live intimately together. Both want to be in charge; both want to accomplish something significant, but they tend to disagree about the means to take. Ones tend to be self-controlled and restrained in their self-expressions and methods of doing things. They will deny themselves the pleasure of acting on their real desires and impulses if they are convinced that something they want is not right according to their moral convictions. While they may admire the brashness and roguishness of Eights and their apparent ease in going after whatever they want, Ones ultimately begin to draw a line if they see Eights going too far in the pursuit of their self-interest. Ones can begin to regard Eights as selfish, insensitive, aggressive, and morally corrupt. They may admire the outlaw's bravado, but abhor where it leads them and how much chaos and destruction it creates in its wake. Ones can begin to see Eights as crude, untrustworthy, and violent.
    • On the other hand, Eights see Ones as hypocrites who preach one thing publicly while doing the opposite privately. They see Ones as rigid, self-righteous, nitpicking, and utterly unrealistic about the way the world works. Eights often want to do more outrageous things just to provoke the morally judgmental One into apoplexy: both respond with anger before they will acknowledge hurt or fear. They can both get into rigid positions and feel that they cannot back down. Violent arguments can often ensue as the relationship flies apart in personal attacks. This is one relationship that is much more difficult to fix once a certain threshold of abuse has been crossed.
  • 181. ONE – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • These types understand each other from the inside as it were, and for better or worse, can see many of their own traits in the other. On the positive side, each type brings a certain idealism and desire to change the world to make it a better place. Nines bring a more interpersonal orientation than Ones to their idealism, but both can be self-sacrificial and hard working, and willing to put their personal needs and interests aside for the welfare of others. Both are also able to delay rewards for a long-term good they seek. Ones bring clarity and rationality and the ability to articulate ideals and understandings. They strive to improve themselves and their environment, are conscientious, have high ethical and moral standards, and are fair and consistent. Nines bring a gentle, accepting quality that nurtures and supports others without as much explicit demand for self-improvement. Nines are steady, easy to get along with, feel uncritical and undemanding, and prefer harmony and smooth relations over the pleasure of being right or of having the last word in a situation.
    • In short, Nines tend to take a bit of the rough edge off of the criticality and seriousness of Ones, while Ones give clarity and direction to Nines. Further, Ones feel that they have a mission in life, and they are able to inspire Nines to become aware of their own purpose and to want to follow it. This can be a highly altruistic couple who balance idealism with humanity. As a couple, they are gracious company, hospitable and generous, but they also need time to be alone with each other as a couple. They have a mutual love of nature and animals that may bring them closer together, as well as their love of their children and family. Nines soothe Ones, while Ones remind Nines to strive for excellence.
  • 182. ONE – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • The main problem area for Ones and Nines has to do with the opposite ways that they deal with conflicts and rising stress. Ones tend to become more openly frustrated with themselves and others and with the feeling that things are not going as they should. They begin to exude a prickly anger, edginess, and dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. They become obsessed with finding who is at fault, and with legislating how things could be improved. By contrast, when conflicts and stress increase, Nines begin to shut down and withdrawn. They become less effective at correcting problems and less able to speak about their feelings or discomfort. The worse things become, the more Nines attempt to tune them out while maintaining that nothing is the matter. Thus, judgments about the Nine's judgment and competence and willingness to take responsibility taint the One's dealings with Nines, while resistance and denial of problems (with a barely suppressed undertow of anger) infect the Nine.
    • It is difficult for Nines to step up to the plate and take the level of responsibility that Ones are looking for. The more Ones push Nines to respond in the way they want, the less Nines are willing and able to do so, and they retreat into more widespread passive-aggressive behavior. To Ones, this feels like willful resistance and culpable negligence. The quiet indifference of the Nine only infuriates the One all the more. In short, it is difficult for Ones to respect Nines, just as it is difficult for Nines to feel comfortable with (and able to express themselves to) Ones. Ones eventually become more self-righteous and intolerant while Nines become more uncommunicative and stubbornly unresponsive. Others find it very difficult to be around this pair because of the obvious, painful zingers pointed at the Nine by the One-and because of the aura of barely suppressed rage coming from the Nine. This couple gets frozen in their anger, with no way to melt the impasse.
  • 183. TWO – TWO
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Twos bring many of the same qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls of this pair. Healthy Two couples bring a high level of warmth, affection, and sensitivity to each other. They are genuinely concerned about the welfare of their partner and of the relationship itself, and they are willing and able to put out a considerable amount of energy to make sure that all is well. A double Two pair has a high level of communication and checking in between them: two Twos would have no problem discussing how they feel, inquiring about the other's health, about how things are going at work, and so forth. They would also be delighted to help support the efforts of their partner in whatever ways they could. Both individually and as a couple, they are thoughtful, observant of people's needs, generous and respectful of boundaries and the need of others to be independent and to learn things on their own. Healthy Two couples can express enormous affection for others, while at the same time, letting them go appropriately. They also can find a balance between themselves as a couple and each of them as an individual.
    • Interestingly, since neither is used to being nurtured by someone else, they generally need to learn to allow themselves to be loved and helped by the other. If each of the Twos can take in the support of the other, the relationship can become a source of deep love and abundance from which they are able to more fully move out into the world. They feel secure and are loyal to each other, knowing that their partner is their for them. At their best, this is a loving, warm-hearted couple that uses the security of their relationship to raise a family, adopt children, and make the world a richer, more loving place. They reach out to others and build a family of choice, a home that others truly want to be a part of.
  • 184. TWO – TWO (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • A couple in which both people are so feeling-oriented may make better friends and work associates than they do intimate partners. The reason is that both are concerned with questions of value and self-worth, identity and gaining validation from others. Their particular set of emotional needs can make this pair more prone toward secret jealousy and competition with each other about who is more loved, who is the center of attention, or who is being sought out more frequently for advice or for social events, and so forth. In some double Two couples, whether males or females, they will be aware of how people respond to them physically and sexually. Different forms of charm to outright displays of sexual prowess will be part of the picture, although this will get in the way of a satisfactory exclusive intimate relationship.
    • Some Twos will attempt to solve this problem by going in the opposite direction by beginning not to care about what they look like. They may not exercise and gain excessive weight, for example, or not dress or groom themselves sufficiently. A double Two may begin to find their emotional consolations elsewhere, seeking intimacy with others or, if that is not possible, with food. If this continues, they may gradually lose all physical interest in each other and the relationship would suffer from loss of contact and physical intimacy. If health issues subsequently become a problem (due to overeating as a compensation for emotional deprivations) the physically healthier Two will inevitably feel held back by the needier partner. Or both Twos could deteriorate into a sickbed centered relationship in which their illnesses and their complaints about them are what hold the couple together. They may both develop boundary problems and get overly enmeshed with each other—or, just as likely, become repulsed by the other's hovering. The worse this gets, ironically, the more isolated and lonely they become. Depression and blaming the other are often part of the picture.
  • 185. TWO – THREE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Both Enneagram Twos and Threes are driven by their feelings and emotional needs-although this is not always apparent in the case of Threes. Both are also driven by their need for attention and the desire to be loved-although this is not always apparent in the case of Twos. But for these reasons, both are oriented toward people and toward activities that will place them in the spotlight. This makes the Two/Three couple one of the most interpersonally attractive and impactful pairings possible. Individually and collectively, they are outgoing, sociable, high-spirited, charming, and often physically attractive. Both know how to make a favorable impression on people and to win them over. Each type brings energy, personal and social ambition, the ability to communicate with people and to make others feel like they are the center of attention. Both know how to get people to like them and to rally support to achieve their goals. Twos in particular bring a more personal, individual focus to their interactions with others. They are thoughtful and follow up exchanges with genuine kindness and compassion. Threes bring flexibility, charm, practicality, and a goal-oriented vision for ways the couple can improve. Twos like to feel proud of their loved ones, and Threes want to make their partner proud.
    • There is also a particular way that this pairing works as a team: Twos like to put the spotlight on others, and Threes like to be in the spotlight. Twos like to be the power behind the throne, and Threes can be happy being the point person for the couple. As long as healthy Threes appreciate the lavish attention of the Two, this arrangement can work well. In a sense, this is almost an ideal political couple—socially adept, energetic, virtually radiating charm and self-confidence, inviting others (by their manner and attractiveness) to join them in some way. Twos and Threes can be dazzling—a couple so widely admired and socially gifted that they become icons for their social sphere and time.
  • 186. TWO – THREE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • A couple with such conscious star power also tends to be self-conscious—and even more conscious of each other. Twos get jealous and possessive of Threes. They can fall into a "I made you—you owe me" syndrome, feeling used and unappreciated. For all of their apparent willingness to take second place, Twos want to be recognized privately by their partners and to be made to feel that they are important. But Threes typically find it difficult to thank others for their success or to share the glory. Moreover, Threes may feel that Twos overestimate their contributions: they take credit for too much, sometimes, embarrassingly, in public. As a result, Twos can start to undermine the Three's confidence to get the Three to feel that he or she depends on the Two. Threes react quickly and strongly to perceived criticism and potential humiliation by distancing themselves—inevitably creating more anxiety and manipulation in the Two, a vicious cycle.
    • Part of the problem is that both have underlying feelings of shame and vulnerability and they know each other's weak spots and can play on them when they have to. Furthermore, potential conflicts can arise because neither Twos nor Threes are particularly introspective nor are they very interested in their own underlying motives. They simply assume that they are traveling in the same direction—toward increasing success and social validation-only to realize that they have drifted apart and may actually be at loggerheads with each other. Twos fundamentally feel that Threes put work and career before them, their children and home life, primary values for Twos. They feel that Threes are too focused on success and that they are missing the really valuable things in life. Threes, on the other hand, can feel stifled by the Two's insistence on the need to spend time together. Threes feel Twos are smothering and emotionally manipulative, making them feel guilty for working hard and making the most of themselves. Intimacy deteriorates into bickering, and what it means to have a successful relationship becomes a real question. Disdain for each other can erupt into open hostilities.
  • 187. TWO – FOUR
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • This can be a very warm, even passionate, couple when both parties continue to share their feelings openly together. Both are seeking warmth and connection, and both are willing to provide it when they are healthy. Hence, once they have gotten over the initial hurdles of intimacy, Enneagram Twos and Fours can be a safe place for each to share their hopes, fears, and insecurities. They can be good medicine for each other: Twos contribute sociability and energy, giving Fours the confidence to interact more easily with others. Twos are warm, outgoing, thoughtful and considerate, generous, and encouraging. Twos are also practical and action-oriented, willing to pitch in where needed and to do the things that need to be done, no matter how unpleasant or unglamorous.
    • To this mix, Fours bring creativity, a sense of humor, a willingness to laugh at human foibles, and emotional honesty. They see their own craziness and their own falseness and they do not try to varnish the truth of their quirks from themselves or from the Two. Fours also bring a sense of beauty and of subtlety into the relationship: they care about how things impact on themselves and others, and so they go out of their way to arrange their world to be more aesthetically pleasing, allowing the Two to feel more relaxed and nurtured. Fours also bring emotional depth and sensitivity to their relationships, a sense of mystery and unpredictability, sensuality and sexual freedom. In short, Fours invite Twos to take a closer look at their deeper needs, the truth of who they are and what they actually feel. Twos appreciate the subtleties and nuances that Fours bring, and Fours thrive in this atmosphere of appreciation. They can lighten up each other with unexpected humor and appreciation of each others' quirks. Each invites the other to mature emotionally, usually without saying so. Both help the other to stop being so concerned about what others think of them and to become more inner-directed.
  • 188. TWO – FOUR (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Usually Twos and Fours make better friends and colleagues than intimates. Surprisingly, this pairing is rare in intimate relationships. One would think that they would be a natural fit with each other: the rescuer (Two) and the rescued (Four), the lost child and the parental figure. The problem is that there can be too much emotionality and unspoken demands in this pairing for their own good. Twos and Fours tend to have many emotional issues in common-which allows them to understand each other readily while also laying the groundwork for potential problems and conflicts. They both need closeness and intimacy and tend to cling to anyone who responds to them sufficiently. Over the long term, there is the tendency to become competitive for attention or for one person to feel better liked and more appreciated than the other.
    • Moreover, Twos tend to find Fours too moody and temperamental, led too much by their feelings and unconscious impulses. They also see Fours as hypersensitive and self-absorbed—and not interested enough in others or their welfare. Fours tend to find Twos to be too saccharine and artificially upbeat, flattering and insincere to get close to people and to feel needed. Fours see Twos as secretly emotionally needy, desperate for others to like them and seek them out. They can see the Two's helpfulness as little more than an attempt to bribe people for love, which Fours disdain. Fours might begin to be secretly envious of the Twos social abilities and the kinds of positive reactions Twos generally get from people. Fours can begin to feel socially inept and overshadowed by the charm and popularity of Twos. Secret shame and the feeling of worthlessness of the part of both can begin to undermine the relationship. It can founder on Fours' feelings of abandonment if the Two becomes involved with others. It can also founder on Twos' increasingly feeling unappreciated by the Four. Both begin to see the other as too emotionally needy—and ultimately as more demanding than each wishes to put effort into.
  • 189. TWO – FIVE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Twos and Fives are double opposites, as it were—a people person versus a loner, a feeling type with a thinking type. Twos and Fives come from different points of view on what is important in life and in a relationship. And yet, because they are so different, there can also be an intense attraction to the mystery of the other. Twos and Fives are a more common pairing than might be expected: Twos can see Fives as challenges—distant, mentally preoccupied, not giving many outward signals, and difficult to charm easily because they are so private. It is hard to know what pleases Fives which makes Twos only try harder. Twos bring to the relationship a willingness to take the initiative and to pursue the Five—to be the first one to call or to ask for a date, no matter which gender they are. When healthy, Twos bring warmth, physical comfort and ease (something Fives typically lack), a desire to improve the Five's living conditions, style of dress and eating habits—and many other marks of thoughtfulness-as signs of affection and genuine interest. Fives are usually not unaware of these, though they may not outwardly react to the expressions of affection of Twos, Fives are secretly pleased that anyone cares and is being attentive to them.
    • For their part, Fives are usually very loyal: they find relationships complex and difficult, so they tend to value one that begins to work, and they tend to put energy into it. Fives bring stability and quiet, dispassionate good judgment and objectivity, particularly in crises. When Fives focus, they are good listeners and give undivided attention. They are not as attached to outcomes, and so can often make decisions more wisely and be good advisors to more emotionally volatile Twos. Fives are often more calm than Twos, and this gives them both types a feeling of steadiness and of hope. In short, Fives stabilize Twos' emotionality, while Twos warm up Fives' coolness. Twos enjoy seeing that their attention and affections have had positive, visible effects on the Five. Fives secretly like being doted over and finally finding the nurturing they have unconsciously been seeking (but may have almost given up on).
  • 190. TWO – FIVE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Many of the issues that this couple faces have to do with their boundaries and how respectful or not each is of the other. Twos tend to become frustrated by the Five's lack of immediate response to them—sometimes Fives are so taciturn and involved in their own mental world that there is no response at all—which hurts the Two's feelings and feels like a rejection to them. Feeling rejected triggers deep anxieties in Twos relating to the fear that they are unwanted and unloved. This may make them redouble their efforts to get some kind of response from the Five. They may become more talkative, more curious and questioning of the Five, and more demanding-physically hoisting the Five from her desk, or barging into her library to drag her out dancing or to a movie because she needs a break from work. Much of the Two's activities become a form of intrusion that has at its root the need to reassure himself that the Five is still connected with him.
    • But the more intrusive Twos become, the more Fives internally withdraw and detach emotionally from what feels like a threat to their autonomy and competence. Fives start to lose confidence in themselves and are actually harmed by being overly helped. Lower functioning Twos, however, feel that they have no value unless they are actively involved in every aspect of the other's life. But the more they feel intruded on, the more unsafe Fives begin to feel, and they may start to fear the Two (because they seem irrational and out of control to the Five). Fives can also become cynical about the value and viability of relationships—and cynical about the possibility of finding one that works for them. Fives tend to walk away from the entire question, losing interest in having an intimate relationship often for years at a time. But the more distance Fives put between themselves and Twos, the more this brings out the Two's obsessions and the more aggressive they become in their pursuit of the Five. It is a prescription for disaster, or at least loneliness, for both.
  • 191. TWO – SIX
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Both Enneagram Twos and Sixes are highly dutiful and take their responsibilities toward each other very seriously. The emphasis tends to be slightly different, however, with Twos focused primarily on building intimacy and positive feelings between themselves and other individuals, whereas the emphasis of Sixes tends to be on building a foundation of security, a sturdy platform of hard work and trust that everyone can count on. Both types are highly responsible and tend to put the needs of others before their own. They are both family oriented and foster domesticity; they easily share duties around the house and with their children or friends. They are both socially involved in their community and see great value in having many social connections which give them the feeling that they are valued in their world. Sixes value the warmth, kindheartedness, generosity, and self-sacrifice of the Two. Sixes are aware of how well suited Twos are to be an excellent, devoted spouse and parent, and that they could be trusted to be loyal.
    • On the other hand, Twos will likely admire the hard work, steadfastness to commitments, perseverance, modesty and playfulness of Sixes. Even if they should sometimes be grumpy and indecisive, Twos realize that healthy Sixes almost always come around in the end. Caution and vigilance are recognized as worthwhile assets in what can be a cruel and exploitative world. Twos often feel that they can count on the Six's watchfulness to spot difficulties before they become problems. When Twos and Sixes are healthy, they may actually admire each other more than they feel a grand passion for each other. Their relationship may be based more on steadiness, mutual respect, and affection than on some kind of overheated chemistry between them. They see the other as good and dependable, and that is often more than enough as a basis for an enduring and productive life together.
  • 192. TWO – SIX (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • One of the main potential areas for problems between Twos and Sixes has to do with control and autonomy, between being too close and being too far apart. Part of the problem has to do with the lack of confidence of lower functioning Sixes and their ability to make decisions and to be decisive. Average Sixes tend to feel pressured by all kinds of competing demands on their time and energy—by the Two, by the boss, by friends, by their church, and even by their country. Pressure from all sides makes Sixes feel more anxious and emotionally unstable, unable to think clearly or to make decisions easily. They can become doubtful, suspicious, and negativistic. As Sixes become more reactive, they are likely to impulsively take almost any action just to relieve their anxieties momentarily. At such times, Twos may begin to offer them more help and advice, or to issue "orders" as a way to empower the Six and help them through their anxiety.
    • However, Sixes usually perceive the Two's help as intrusiveness and undermining of their self-confidence, and they resent it. Cycles of anxiety and acting out, followed by tearful reunions, followed by needing to be more autonomous on the Six's part, followed by more intrusion on the Two's part, can wear this relationship down. The problem is that lower functioning Twos think there is no such thing as too much intimacy since they always want to be closer. However, Sixes are more ambivalent, pushing the Two away and then pulling them closer. The Six's ambivalence and inconsistency drives the Two crazy and taps into their fears of rejection. Twos will up the ante by trying to help the Six more, although Sixes experience their help as control, and they seek more distance. This pair can become enmeshed in a bad child, punishing parent drama that can ultimately be fatal to their relationship and the real mutual respect that it was potentially founded on.
  • 193. TWO – SEVEN
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • In many ways, both of these types can look alike. Both Enneagram Twos and Sevens can be outgoing, friendly, funny, high-energy people and very enjoyable company. They want others to be happy and to have a good time, and both types tend to interpret things (including setbacks) in a positive way—always looking for the silver lining or the blessing in a seeming disaster. Both types are engaging, spontaneous, and love the good things of life. In addition, Twos bring a depth of feeling and concern for the welfare of others into the mix. Twos admire the nerve and gusto with which Sevens plunge ahead in life, making everyday an unpredictable adventure. Sevens bring high energy, and a quick mind that sees possibilities and generates ideas faster than they can be acted on. There is a kind of mental electricity and excitement that Sevens generate—the aura of sheer possibility that Twos find intoxicating, not only for themselves but for those they want to share their excitement with. The Seven helps the Two to remember to do nice things for themselves on a regular basis. They remind Twos that if they are not taking care of their own health and fulfillment, they will not really be able to be helpful to others. On the other hand, healthy Sevens feel that their emotional and physical needs are largely met by a healthy Two. The Two helps the Seven feel relaxed and fulfilled, reducing the temptation to wander.
    • Further, both Twos and Sevens are idealistic, but Twos can more easily and consistently translate this impulse into altruistic action. This inspires the Seven who also enjoys sharing their abundance with others. Together, they can be remarkably generous and thoughtful as a couple. The Two and Seven combination can have a positive effect on people that is virtually unmatched by any other couple: they can be warm, welcoming and generous, making others feel loved and invited to the party.
  • 194. TWO – SEVEN (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • In time, Twos feel that they can never have enough intimacy and they usually try to find ways to be closer to the Seven. They like to stay at home, go on quiet walks together, cook, and talk about settling down and having a family. Sevens, on the other hand, generally find the idea of settling down and limiting their options to be no where nearly as attractive to them. Sevens are capable of long-term commitments, but they tend not to be eager to get into them. As a result of these signals, the Two may start to hover and become more intrusive, pulling in the reins on the Seven, insisting that they have more quality time together. Sevens can easily feel trapped by this maneuver, and they may begin to lose interest in the Two, feeling that the relationship has gone stale (rather than realizing their own anxiety over the potential closing of options). Twos will increasingly want to get serious about the relationship just as the Seven begins to feel bored or that the relationship has gotten heavy and unfulfilling. Twos can thus begin to see the Seven as untrustworthy, a playboy (or playgirl) who is selfishly leading them on with no intention of tying the knot. Sevens can begin to see Twos as possessive and manipulative, playing on their guilt or insecurities to make sure the Seven does not stray.
    • Further, Sevens need to be the center of attention as a way of staying energized and excited. Other people and their needs are not really the focus of their concern as much as they are an audience of potential playmates-if others can keep up with them and their fast pace. While making the Seven the center of attention generally suits Twos well for a while, Twos eventually begin to unconsciously feel used. They will either withhold their attention and affection, or start to compensate in other ways, such as by overeating or having real or imagined health problems as a way of forcing the Seven to pay attention to their needs. A stalemate occurs, and punctuated by conflicts, battles, and loud scenes.
  • 195. TWO – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • These two types are more alike than they might appear to be at first. Both are action-oriented and want to have a personal impact on their environment. Both can be sentimental and deeply feeling, with a soft side that is often more hidden than apparent. Both can play the roles of provider, protector, caretaker, and nurturer while avoiding or even denying their own needs. Both tend to overwork themselves and both tend to be the strong one in relationships (although Twos will tend to do so as the power behind the throne while Eights will tend to clearly be on the throne). Both types bring passion, vitality, interpersonal and social skills, magnanimity, and generosity. The basic emphasis of both types is distinctly different, however, with Twos being primarily interested in the welfare of others while Eights tend to be interested in their physical wellbeing and in having a distinct impact on their world, often with beneficial fallout for others.
    • They easily play roles that the other needs and wants: the Eight is practical and concerned with results, whereas Twos are more people-oriented and more openly altruistic. They are both strong willed and like taking on responsibility, as long as they choose it themselves. Eights often bask in the glow of the Two's affection and adoration: Twos truly appreciate the Eight's strength and efforts—and see their often hidden self-sacrifice. Both see each other's noble qualities and can be each other's staunchest supporters and admirers. Their roles are also clearly delineated, so they do not get in each other's way. Each runs different spheres of their lives and cover different bases (one plays the symbolic Mommy the other the symbolic Daddy and things are clear and balanced). These qualities make this couple powerful allies who complement each other's strengths, particularly the good effects they can have on others.
  • 196. TWO – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Twos and Eights have very different value systems: as noted above, Twos tend to be person oriented, while Eights tend to be practical minded. Their interpersonal styles are also very different, with Twos tending to be more empathetic and indirect and Eights being more direct and independent. Even average Eights tend to become proud of their resolutely unsentimental way of dealing with people and situations, while average Twos become highly attached to people and overly-solicitous about their needs. Twos tend to see things from the points of view of others, while Eights do not: they see things from the point of view of self-interest, feeling that others need to learn to take care of themselves lest they become weak and ineffectual. Thus, in a relationship, Twos and Eights have very different ideas about where other people fit into the picture, including their own family.
    • Both types tend to move in opposite directions and have increasingly opposing views about how to treat other people. Eights become more hard-hearted and confrontational, while Twos become more possessive and self-sacrificial. Between themselves, they can get into battles with each other about whose philosophy will prevail. Rather than feel rejected or lose a key relationship, however, Twos can get caught in a codependent relationship with the Eight. The Two can become an apologist for the Eight's bad behavior, enabling them and thus encouraging Eights to continue with anti-social or self-destructive habits. Thus, this couple might not break up as quickly as some other pairings would, although they can drag each other down without seeing their mutual trap. Ultimately, Eights can lose respect for Twos, finding them insincere and manipulative, while Twos lose respect for Eights thinking them to be cruel and domineering. Both can become coarser and more controlling if this continues, with overtones of stalking and paranoia, fears of betrayal and acts of revenge.
  • 197. TWO – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Twos and Nines are similar in a wide variety of areas and reactions; both types are interested in nurturing others and in helping people to be better, more comfortable with themselves, and more at peace. Both types also tend to be optimistic and to reframe disappointments in the most positive way possible. This pairing has an outstanding warm, kindly, and good-natured quality about it that each side reinforces. Twos and Nines are easy-going, hospitable, and undemanding, happy to make friends happy and to welcome them into their home. Twos bring to the pair a more outward and interpersonally engaging energy: they would most likely be the first to introduce themselves at a party or to go to someone's aid and comfort if they perceived that the other person had some kind of problem. Twos are proud of their relationship, their home, their family and their friends—and they want to share them with others. Twos constantly add energy and new people to the relationship mix. They are more talkative than Nines and more openly curious about other people, how they live and what they are like, and more eager to get involved in others' lives.
    • On the other hand, Nines bring a quiet steadiness and uncomplicated directness that allows people to flourish and things to get done with a minimum of stress and conflict. Even if Twos become upset about their relationships, or are feeling moments of self-doubt about how loved they are, Nines have a way of calming them down and of providing a great deal of unquestioned acceptance. Both types are drawn to each other to provide soothing and support; their home and hearth, pets and love of nature are extremely important to them. Both go out of their way to be considerate of each other, as well as of other people. Much of their best communication is non-verbal, physical, arising from their simple, direct presence to each other. They can develop almost a psychic link with each other. This is a very mellow couple, whose emphasis on hospitality reminds people of how healing it is to be around loving, generous people.
  • 198. TWO – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Both Twos and Nines tend to give away their power and to go along with the agendas of others. Yet, one of the parties will have to wear the pants in the family, taking charge and making decisions. Doing so goes against the grain of both types, although either will take charge if necessary. However, negotiating power and decision making in a Two/Nine couple puts both parties under increasing stress and both tend to feel that they are being forced into the bad guy role in the family—and that they will be resented and unloved while their partner gets off the hook.
    • Further, neither finds it easy to talk about their feelings or their growing discontent with the power balance in the relationship, or with any other sources of resentment and potential conflicts that they may have. Twos tend to actually take over too much, becoming domineering and controlling, not hesitating to boss the Nine around and to speak with surprising harshness to him or her. But because Twos can rationalize their motives and see themselves only as all loving, they can continue without feeling guilty or embarrassed.
    • Nines find it difficult to find their own voice and to speak up for themselves. But when the Nine actually does speak up, the Two often takes this as a lack of gratitude and tries to turn the Nine's comments around on them. Twos are not good at taking criticism, and when Nines find the courage to speak up, they may go overboard with a load of old resentments that have pilled up. The result is that Nines withdraw into silence and become passive-aggressive as a way of dealing with their anger, while Twos feel unappreciated, misunderstood, and rejected. Both try to keep everything quiet and normal on the surface, although they begin to deteriorate into longer silences with each other-and more distance, including less physical contact. An air of tension takes over, punctuated by angry outbursts and recriminations. The couple that seems so unassuming and supportive tends to end through attrition and drifting apart. Nobody wants to talk about what has really happened, no body wants to take responsibility for the deterioration of the relationship, and things eventually simply fall apart.
  • 199. THREE – THREE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Threes generally bring the same qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts. Two Threes bring to each other a concern for achievement and excellence, for making something of themselves and their opportunities, and for being a credit to the relationship. They are both hard workers, always looking for a way to improve their station in life and to share these benefits with their loved ones and friends. Threes also tend to be sociable and to enjoy the company of others. They have the ability to charm others and present themselves in a favorable, attractive light—even to their spouse or close friends. Some Threes are less sociable and more concerned with business matters and with gaining financial security, but they too, want both themselves and their relationship to be admirable and outstanding in some way. They may be known for their closeness or personal devotion, or the longevity of the relationship itself.
    • Both Threes can form an extremely effective team that is likely to be successful in virtually any endeavor they might pursue. They are able to coordinate tasks at home or in the office, becoming a working team supporting each other. They each want the other to be proud of them and to be admired by the other as a worthy partner. They both try to avoid drama in the relationship and they give each other space to pursue their own interests and self-development. Double Three couples are usually excellent motivators of each other, urging the other to higher achievement and to attaining their goals, whether in child-rearing, education, or sports and physical fitness. They can act as the coach of the other, helping the partner to improve their technique and hone their professional and personal skills. What they demand of each other is respect for their achievements and for their hard work. Thus, in many ways, two Threes can make an impression on others of being virtually an ideal couple,—attractive, energetic, ambitious, focused, and often outstanding members of their social group.
  • 200. THREE – THREE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • As long as a Three couple is healthy, they both tend to be highly supportive of each other and the other's interests and career. They are glad for the success and prestige that their spouse may garner. Problems may arise in average to lower-functioning Three couples if they begin to compare themselves with each other. An unhealthy spirit of competition and one-upmanship can infect the relationship and undermine the pride and generosity they have felt toward each other. Even if they have different careers, two Threes may begin to compare their relative success, their incomes, how well each is regarded professionally—and what their relative chances for advancement are. One partner being elected to a committee or board of directors puts pressure on the other to do something similar or even more prestigious.
    • Further, one or both of the Threes may begin to feel that the relationship is taking time away from their own career and their own pursuit of success. One may feel that they are sacrificing their career potential for the sake of keeping the relationship together while the other is getting ahead at their expense. Children, pets, family members, and friends may also suffer varying degrees of neglect as the double Three couple puts energy into their professional advancement, putting ever longer hours in at the office or on the road. One of the biggest issues for double Three couples is that neither is particularly aware of their real feelings or their own heart's desire. They also typically do not know how to talk about their deepest feelings, and so they most often do not. They often experience feelings as distractions from their professional work, as well as potential sources of shame and humiliation. Thus, they tend to become more isolated in the relationship as intimacy wanes. They can still be trophies for each other, but double Three pairings come to not know how to talk with each other about what is really going on for them. Eventually, isolation leads to alienation and depression which can lead to drifting apart or to affairs that end the relationship.
  • 201. THREE – FOUR
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • These two types can form something of a complementary relationship, with each bringing important qualities to the relationship that the other generally lacks. Enneagram Fours can teach Threes how to talk about themselves on a deeper level and help acknowledge and process their feelings. They can also bring Threes more sensitivity, a feeling for beauty and for the non-practical but fulfilling aspects of life. Finding the Three's heart's desire is an extremely important area of self-awareness in which Fours can play a helpful role to Threes. Fours can bring a sense of style and presentation, rich communication, and sense of refinement. Threes model many of the qualities that Fours would like to develop in themselves, and Threes are well-suited to helping Fours gain new skills. Threes can bring a good deal of tact and diplomacy to handling Fours' emotional reactions and their sometimes too-sensitive feelings and self-doubts. Knowing what to say and when to say it-and what not to say—to a Four can be crucial for building trust in the relationship and avoiding inadvertent episodes when either feels humiliated or embarrassed. Threes can bring a sense of hope and ambition to the relationship, practical goal-setting, coaching and behavior management techniques that help Fours get out of a slump or a period of low energy. Threes can coach Fours on how to get on with practical matters and to act professionally despite the shifts in their feelings and self-doubts.
    • Since both types are driven by (often unconscious) feelings and reactions, this can be an intense and passionate coupling. Both are aware of "image" issues and about how others perceive them, and so this couple will be noteworthy for its energy, flair, sense of style, and enjoyment of the finer things of life. They may both feel a connection with the other that goes beyond words or reason into another realm as if they had known each other from a previous existence or that the other is some kind of soul mate.
  • 202. THREE – FOUR (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Both Threes and Fours have issues with self-esteem and with needing attention and validation from others. They both suffer from questions about their own identity and have hidden feelings of shame and worthlessness. These two types secretly compare themselves with others and have more or less openly competitive tendencies. Much will depend on how narcissistically wounded each person is—and therefore how much they will be vying for approval, attention, and recognition. Both Threes and Fours need attention and to feel appreciated, although Threes will be more able to openly seek these things. Fours can feel overshadowed or shut out of the limelight by the more energetic Three. This can trigger feelings in Fours of being defective and deficient, which Threes may play on. Threes will tend to give less attention than Fours to the relationship itself, although both will tend to see the other as essential for their welfare. Fours will typically want far more emotional involvement and intimacy than Threes are comfortable with (or even capable of providing).
    • A related problem is that neither type really sees the other as they are: both see the other through projections of what they need and expect the other to be. Fours may see Threes as a rescuer and as embodiment of everything they lack, whereas Threes may see Fours as an exotic, mysterious sexual or artistic trophy that enhances their desirability. Both types, however, can get into hostile rages if their emotional needs are not fulfilled. Perhaps worst for this pairing is that they inadvertently keep reminding each other of their own particular brand of self-concealment and phoniness—a constant source of irritation to each other. They can become snippy and sarcastic, gossiping and complaining about the shortcomings of the other to their own friends. Both can also be covert and indirect about sabotaging the other out of revenge, if their relationship should end. Once the respect and admiration they have had for each other ends, dismissiveness, contempt, and undermining begin—and the relationship itself is surely about to end.
  • 203. THREE – FIVE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • This is a frequently seen combination, although one that might not be expected. Enneagram Fives often give Threes depth, new areas of expertise and credibility, while sparking creativity. Threes give Fives confidence, presentation skills, and awareness of the importance of communicating effectively with others. Both Threes and Fives are primarily focused on their work and on objective issues and concerns. Both types are preoccupied with competency and effectiveness, especially in their professional areas, and this is where they support each other in an outstanding way. Although both have deep feelings, both tend not to focus on them for the sake of getting on with their work. They tend to understand each other's need to balance closeness with their need for personal space: they do not crowd each other. Threes contribute social skills, the ability to communicate and to sell ideas and projects, charm, energy, and a strong sense of practicality to the relationship. They can often see what is needed in the relationship or in the world and help to marshal the Five's skills toward that goal. Fives bring depth of understanding, expertise in one or more areas, perseverance with details until the goal is accomplished, an objective dispassion, and lack of attachment to outcomes.
    • This can be a "brilliant" couple—sharp, successful, deeply competent, and well respected. If they are attractive, Threes can be a trophy for Fives who are usually less concerned with appearance; Fives, on the other hand, can also be a trophy for Threes who are proud of the Five's expertise and who are glad to learn from them whenever they can. Both regard the other as a catch who enhances their own self-esteem and social standing. Their deep, often unspoken, feelings for each other frequently deepen even more over time, gradually allowing this couple to discover not just passion but quiet affection and pride in each other.
  • 204. THREE – FIVE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • This couple's emphasis on work and competency can also lead them into conflicts and tensions with each other. A great deal of their self-esteem is also derived from their work and how it is regarded by others. Threes and Fives can get into more or less open contentiousness over who was the original source of ideas and work. There can be elements of comparing one's work and contributions, claims about who is responsible for which ideas or breakthroughs, and other forms of competitiveness coming not only from Threes but from Fives. Threes also tend to want to get on with the project or with whatever they feel needs to be done, while Fives tend to take a long time fine tuning and tinkering until they feel that they are adequately complete. Conflicts can erupt over use of time, resources, and priorities as the more practical minded Three becomes increasingly impatient with the Five's lengthy preparations but lack of action. Fives may also begin to lose respect for the ethical standards of Threes who they feel are ready to cut corners or exaggerate claims in order to accomplish goals or to stay ahead professionally.
    • Both types also tend to not speak directly about their feelings or misgivings about the relationship until it is too late: then they both can become sarcastic and hostile, icy and distant from each other. Fives can be too blunt and argumentative for Threes who can retaliate with sarcastic zingers and put-downs while pretending not to be hostile or irritated. Both types can be arrogant and impatient with the other, and as a couple they begin to find little to admire in the other. Threes can seem shallow and dishonest to Fives, while Fives can seem weird and repulsive to Threes. Turning a negative situation around will depend on how much each needs the other, as well as the depth and breadth of other shared values, such as children and spiritual beliefs. If these are few, it will be difficult to salvage the relationship once their connection has been broken since both types tend to be suspicious and cynical about people.
  • 205. THREE – SIX
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Surprisingly, this is not a common pairing, although these two types can work very well as a team. On the positive side, Threes bring hard work, optimism, energy, a desire to communicate to and connect with people, and a feeling of unlimited potential both personally and in the relationship itself. Threes can bring an enormous sense of self-confidence and the hope of success that is assured—that this relationship is a winning team or that this couple is the best ever! Common goals bring them together—they are both practical and want to achieve tangible things in the world. Sixes bring grounding, industrious hard work, perseverance in difficult times and personal loyalty to the Three. Sixes provide warmth, support, and a great deal of practical good sense. Sixes can also bring a compassion for the downtrodden or the less fortunate in life. Threes can pick up on this compassionate quality in Sixes and learn to open their own hearts more deeply to the underprivileged and the unfortunate.
    • Both believe in applying elbow grease toward goals, whether toward financial security or developing personal talents. In short, they are both doers. They foster equality and mutual respect for the different talents each brings and the shared interests they invest in. Threes help bolster the Six's confidence and develop their self-esteem. Sixes offer support to Threes without Threes feeling smothered. Sixes also help Threes to become part of something bigger than themselves-a church, a service organization, a political or spiritual group. Both become stronger individually and as a team by "finding themselves" through service and humble hard work. Respect for each other can grow as each continues to discover the other's good qualities. This can be a very enduring and successful couple as long as heart-centered values and deeper principles keeps them both grounded.
  • 206. THREE – SIX (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Ultimately, each has what the other needs, but unless their relationship is healthy and well stabilized, they can tend to bring out the worst characteristics in themselves and in each other. These two types have similar negative qualities in common: both can be competitive and become workaholics, both are looking externally for reassurance to make up for secret inferiority feelings and insecurity, both want to be socially accepted. Both can be conformists of various kinds, doing what is expected of them, and both avoid looking at their deeper feelings or discussing their emotions. Both Sixes and Threes have feelings, but they tend to put them aside in order to get the job done whatever it is. Their different coping styles can get on each other's nerves by reminding them of their own weak spots. Threes seem to be inflated and grandiose to Sixes; Sixes seem to be nervous and reactive loose cannons to Threes. Sixes err on the side of caution, Threes on the side of too much ambition.
    • At their worst, both can become dishonest, evasive, and covert about their own actions and feelings. They can deteriorate into a relationship of robotic functioning in which real feelings are not discussed and both develop social lives away from the other. Threes will try to keep up appearances and are often embarrassed by Sixes (intentionally or inadvertently) revealing that the pair is in trouble. Eventually, there is a quiet, deadening down of any real enthusiasm or interest from both in the other. Instead of healthy skepticism and questioning of the Six, or the playful teasing and challenging competitiveness of the Three, both sides present an increasingly bland mask of normalcy to themselves and to the world until something comes along to expose the situation.
  • 207. THREE – SEVEN
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • This is a highly complementary pair: both types are self-assertive, have high energy, and are outgoing and capable of being around people with relative ease. Both types bring optimism, a future orientation, the sense of possibility and renewal to their relationships and to enterprises they become involved with. Threes can work alone more easily than Sevens, although both are stimulated by interacting with people and both can be excellent communicators of their ideas and values. Both are persuasive and articulate, often lively and attractive, making them sought after company. Both have a youthful orientation such that they feed off of each other's energy: no other couple is as vivacious or gregarious as the Three/Seven couple. This is probably the highest energy combination of types and they wholeheartedly engage in lots of activities, plans and projects, with the emphasis on attaining the good life. The focus is on sociability, going out, having adventures together and on realizing possibilities and on finding personal fulfillment.
    • To this mix, Threes bring sensitivity to people and how to communicate with them, a sense of propriety, appropriateness, and social conventions, as well as the ability to focus on goals and get them accomplished. Sevens bring a sense of fun and adventure, resilience, and not being overly concerned with failure. Sevens can be spontaneous in ways that are helpful to more self-conscious Threes. Sevens bring breadth of knowledge and experience, boundless enthusiasm and good spirits. Threes bring a focus on goals, on staying practical and grounded, and on observing healthy limits. This can be a fun, articulate, generous pair, virtually sparkling with vitality and the joy of life. This can sometimes seem to others to be an almost magical couple.
  • 208. THREE – SEVEN (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • This is also an extremely volatile couple: there is almost too much electricity under one roof. A Three/Seven pair always looks like a great couple, but this can also mean having to live up their own hype. They can be exhausting to keep up with and their mutual qualities make it difficult to admit to or look at problems. They both feel the pressure to be "fabulous" and perfect all of the time. Both types seem light-hearted, and unconcerned; yet, in their high-energy routines they often hurt each others without realizing it. Often this results in a backlog of past hurts that have been suppressed until it is too late and too much damage has been done.
    • Depending on their Level of health, Threes can become workaholics, completely focused on achieving success, building more prestige, and planning career moves with the care of a general, so much so that relationship and family life takes a distinct second place, if that. By contrast, Sevens tend not to take their career as seriously as Threes, always feeling that if things do not go well in one job they can move to something better. On the surface, Threes seem to have as much self-confidence as Sevens; in reality, they do not, which is why they feel they need to promote themselves and their accomplishments. Threes may be envious of the easy success of Sevens, while Sevens may feel that too much fun and enjoyment is being sacrificed for the Three's focus on career. Sevens may get the feeling that they only exist to prop up the Three in various ways. Neither type wants to talk about their shortcomings, failures, or negative feelings and so these topics tend to be avoided for as long as possible. Often either a health or career crisis will bring things to the surface: Sevens do not want to be trapped in a relationship that is no longer enjoyable, Threes do not want to be in a relationship that has failed. Once they doubt that the other is there for them, they turn toward self-centered attitudes which further erode the relationship. A break can come abruptly and be permanent.
  • 209. THREE – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • These two types can form powerful and highly effective affiliations and can also have passionate and stimulating personal relationships. Both are assertive: both Threes and Eights go after what they want in life. Both can be larger-than-life figures who are outstanding in some way and because both stand out in their social circle. They cannot help but notice each other and come to terms with each other. Either an alliance forms that will enhance both parties or a competition develops that will keep them apart. Surprisingly, Eight's strength and solidity gives Threes permission to be more heartfelt: the Eight feels reliable and Threes seek safety to reveal their hearts. Eights also like seeing Threes use the opportunities and rise to the challenges they offer. On the other side, it helps Eights to relax once they see that the Three is competent and can do things on their own. Moreover, both Threes and Eights are action oriented, pragmatic, care about getting the job done and are willing to take the lead to achieve their goals.
    • They both have a marked degree of self-confidence (at least outwardly), they can be persuasive, and they can cut their losses and change goals when things are not working for them. To this mix, Threes bring more awareness of others, a feeling for public relations and for how to please people. They are more diplomatic and adaptable, both in their relationship with Eights and with others. Eights bring forthrightness in expression, fearlessness, physical vigor, and determination to achieve their personal vision. They bring solidity, decisiveness, and a kind of strength that the more flexible Three gains confidence from. They want to be proud of each other and to support each other's potentials and accomplishments. They tend not to compete with each other—surprising because both tend, in general, to be competitive with others.
  • 210. THREE – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Threes and Eights can be effective in the business world and in their professional careers where energy, determination to succeed, and personal drive are necessary. But both types tend to be workaholics, putting themselves under tremendous stress in order to achieve their goals and to hang onto to whatever success they have. Under sufficient stress, they may stop supporting each other and compete to top the other's achievements. Of the two types, Eights are more openly controlling than Threes, although Threes will attempt to control situations covertly—which can arouse the Eight's suspicions and lack of trust. Once trust is compromised, Eights can become jealous and possessive, ordering the Three to do things to prove their personal loyalty to the Eight. Threes may easily feel used and belittled, not adequately appreciated for their contributions or for their support of the Eight. Eights begin to expect and demand loyalty—even obedience—for their patronage and guidance. Threes begin to feel that they are losing their ability to pursue their own goals, that they are becoming an appendage of the Eight.
    • In response to deteriorating conditions, both types can become manipulative to get what they want. Once they begin to do this with each other, trust and openness cannot be maintained. Moreover, neither Threes nor Eights are very skilled at talking about their real feelings or needs, nor do they feel comfortable being vulnerable. For both, isolation and suspicion becomes the norm and can become difficult to break through. Eights may see the Three as deceitful and untrustworthy; Threes may see the Eight as willful and vengeful, and they can fear being humiliated and co-opted for life. Eights ultimately want support for themselves and their vision. Threes want to be developing themselves and to be admired for their qualities. Battles over who is supporting whom result. Whose agenda will prevail? A nasty, very personal, breakup may follow.
  • 211. THREE – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • This is a fairly common pairing. Nines bring enormous support, encouragement, and a sense of pride in the Three's accomplishments. Threes can feel that with the Nine behind them, they are able to be themselves, explore their potential, and become the best mate, friend, or professional that they can be. Threes can help Nines to properly value themselves, to have more self-respect, and to invest in their own development. Nines can help Threes relax and find enjoyment in simple things—Nines give them permission to not drive themselves so much. Both types also want to avoid conflicts and to put a positive spin on things—Nines are genuinely optimistic and look on the bright side, while Threes focus on being positive and hopeful, and are careful to not let people see them being down or depressed. Both types are sociable, idealistic, caring for children, animals, and the underdog. Both are usually hard working and want to achieve a degree of material success that will enable them to take care of others in a kind of extended family where everyone would be safe, comfortable, and thriving. They both want a pleasant, aesthetically pleasing home.
    • To this mix, Threes bring energy, personal ambition, flexibility, the ability to set and achieve long term goals, and efficiency. Threes energize Nines and bring change and excitement to the relationship. Nines bring a feeling of safety and steadiness, the assurance that the Three is loved for themselves and not just for their achievements, and the feeling of not being judged or evaluated at every moment. Threes feel that they can let down their hair and really be themselves with Nines who accept them just as they are. The sensuality of the Nine and the attractiveness of the Three can meet in a couple highly attracted to each other and attached by physical passion. In other Three-and-Nine couples, the need for comfort and security may be the main source of attachment and the pleasure they get from each other.
  • 212. THREE – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • The Three/Nine couple can almost be a case of "too much of a good thing." Because both types are attracted to keeping the positive values in their lives alive—and there can be so much attachment to comfort and stability in their world—that it becomes difficult to question the status quo and the routines that they get into. Neither wants to bring up conflicts that they have with the other. Nines are more likely not to want to talk about whatever is bothering them for fear of further endangering the relationship. But Threes also do not want to express their complaints because doing so will risk rejection and may also expose the fragility or even the falseness of their relationship. Nines feel that it is better not to say anything and to let things work out on their own, if that is at all possible. If Threes are heavily invested in having a "perfect marriage" to the outside world, it will be difficult to talk about their unhappiness in the relationship or the frustrations they are feeling.
    • Often the relationship will continue for a while as if nothing is wrong-even if it is essentially over. Eventually, however, Threes begin to feel unseen and unappreciated, and that the Nine is not really there for them—not really present to the relationship. The Nine may be an excellent provider in a material sense, but under stress, may begin to become emotionally absent. Feeling abandoned or rejected usually makes Threes become depressed, although often they do not realize this since they can get quite out of touch with their emotions. Threes can feel that Nines are stifling them, whereas Nines can feel that Threes are too demanding and are "spoiled." Sometimes a crisis, an affair, or some other major life challenge brings the deterioration of the relationship into awareness. They may go through cycles of breaking up and getting back together, although if the underlying problems are not resolved, the real feelings and frustrations continue and will eventually undermine the relationship.
  • 213. FOUR – FOUR
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Fours generally bring the same qualities to each other. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts. Double Four pairs generally make good friends and deep friendship is something they often bring to their intimate relationships. Fours often feel misunderstood, yet feel a special bond of understanding with other Fours. They share stories of their childhood traumas, their private dreams and disappointments. Both types are openly emotional and sensitive to the needs of the other. Both are looking for adequate mirroring and in a double Four relationship, they have a real possibility of finding it.
    • Because each person in a double Four couple is so attuned to their own emotions, there is a great deal of sensitivity and respect for individuality and each other's emotional needs. They have the ability to laugh at themselves and to find amusement with each other in the dark loneliness of the childhood and adolescence. They are not put off by unearthing deep psychological and personal issues. Both are encouraging of the artistic and creative efforts of the other and find it easy to communicate about the most private and intimate issues as they arise. They feel that their relationship is a truly safe space where the other is on a similar emotional wavelength: both feel less alone and less like something is wrong with them personally. Double Fours are highly romantic and idealistic as a couple and their intimacy has the potential to grow into a grand passion of virtually operatic proportions. Emotional ups and downs, hopes and disappointments, elation and despair tend to make this couple more focused on itself than on practical life, child raising, or their careers. Enormous candor, deep friendship, and consideration for the unique history and emotional needs of the other would be hallmarks of this relationship.
  • 214. FOUR – FOUR (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Emotional instability of the relationship itself is the main potential problem with a double Four intimate couple. Each person can be self-absorbed and excruciatingly aware of what he or she is getting (and not getting) in the relationship. Both want to be the focus of attention regarding emotional issues. Both want special handling—and insist on having special needs and they can resent the other for demanding the same for themselves. Both long for an ideal mate—and the feeling that one has found it—can alternate with depression (and other reactions) when expectations are disappointed. They can get into "Who's more damaged?" contests, a form of negative competition. Both are more or less secretly looking for a rescuer and can get lost in a morass of emotional drama even if they find one.
    • For all of their potential sensitivity, Fours also tend to withdraw from others and to withhold their attention and affection when they are having a conflict with someone. Fours have a profound lack of trust in others, and this lack of trust can extend even to their intimate partner. A period of testing will invariably happen that may be too much for the other Four to bear. They can be annoyed by the other's quirks and "sensitivities" and unacknowledged demands. They can be intolerant of the other, making each other walk on eggshells, ironically making it difficult to bring up certain issues with the other.
    • Double Fours can become moody and incommunicative, passive-aggressive, and disdainful, actually hating the very person they may have been so passionately in love with. Rejecting the other (and feeling rejected) can alternate from both parties. Arguments can spiral out of control and hurtful things get said until reconciliation becomes difficult, if not impossible. Once certain things are said in the head of the moment, they can never be taken back. Permanent damage is done to feelings of trust and safety—and to the future of the relationship. Once hope for the relationship dies, it is difficult to resuscitate.
  • 215. FOUR – FIVE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Both types bring a certain richness and special qualities of aspects of human development: Fours bring an artistic and emotional temperament, the habit of introspection and sensitivity to feelings in themselves and others. Both types are private and like depth, and they do not mind taking time to explore things deeply and to savor the richness of their own experience. Enneagram Fours and Fives may well have different interests but they appreciate different perspectives and respect the other's intensity and commitment to following their own feelings and interests. Fives bring an inquiring, intellectual temperament, the habit of asking questions and of being interested in a wide variety of things and of being willing to break with old conventions. Fours contribute an appreciation of aesthetics and of the effect that ideas and discoveries have on people: feelings and unconscious processes are powerful and are not to be taken lightly.
    • Both types can be extremely creative and both love to share their findings with the other, making stimulating, wide-ranging conversation and open communication a hallmark of a Four/Five relationship, both in the intensity of their conversation and in the sincere interest they bring to their listening to each other. Each type usually brings a noteworthy sense of humor and love of the bizarre and the outlandish that can give their relationship a quirky and unique character all of its own. This is often because they both share an "outsider" status. Fives draw Fours out by showing them other worlds and other perspectives, with a depth that Fours like. Fours help Fives stay in contact with their personal self and feelings. They have a mutual tolerance for whatever the other comes up with and neither is easily shocked. They generally find each other stimulating and are tolerant of each other's idiosyncrasies. Both inspire creativity in the other and give permission to the other to be themselves and follow their own inspirations.
  • 216. FOUR – FIVE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • The greatest area for discord in a Four/Five pairing is that Fours are emotional types and tend to push for more contact and intimacy, sometimes becoming overly demanding, whereas Fives are thinking types and tend to push for more detachment and space in the relationship, sometimes becoming more reclusive and private. Fours can experience Fives as being too intellectual and feel that Fives are analyzing them rather than sympathizing with their emotional needs and states. They can also feel that Fives are unavailable and detached, uncaring and unresponsive to their needs in their relationship. Fours feel they can also be impractical and take too long to respond when a situation calls for action.
    • On the other hand, Fives can see Fours as bottomless pits of emotional needs who drain their time and energy. Fives also feel that Fours' emotionality reflects a lack of rationality or is a sign of immaturity that seems potentially dangerous and out of control. Fours in the lower Levels do not seem safe because of their apparent instability. Fours tend to be easily frustrated with the quality of attention they get from Fives (since they can be preoccupied with their mental worlds, not with the relationship), thus they tend to provoke the Five until they get a response. Fours need to appreciate the minimalist emotional style of the Five, while Fives need to appreciate the Four's depth of feeling. Romantic relationships can get very intense quickly and combust. Usually, the Five retreats first, feeling overwhelmed by the Four's escalating needs and demands. Of course, the Five's withdrawal triggers more clinging and neediness in the Four, more demands, and more endless analysis of the relationship itself. Emotional florid reactions confronting emotional detachment and rational analysis quickly get to an impasse that may spiral into a breakup.
  • 217. FOUR – SIX
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Both Enneagram Fours and Sixes, have many natural affinities for each other, especially since both are highly emotional and often feel insecure around people. Both tend to strong, immediate feelings and to act on their unconscious hunches or intuitions. Sixes often misidentify themselves initially as Fours because of the traits that they actually have in common. These very traits can also be ones that they bring to the relationship, enabling them to have an unusual degree of empathy and tolerance for each other. In short, Fours and Sixes can bring to each other the feeling that they are kindred souls, connected by their feelings of abandonment and a certain distrust of others. They may feel like "orphans in the storm" who offer mutual support and reassurance. Rather than energize each other, when they are healthy, Fours and Sixes tend to support and stabilize each other, usually acting as a sounding board for worries and complaints that they feel they cannot air anywhere else.
    • Fours bring sensitivity, sensuality, and the ability to express emotions openly, including the feelings that Sixes themselves do not know how to express. Fours talk about their inner lives—again, something that Sixes often need to learn. Sixes bring hard work, perseverance, practicality, loyalty, and concern with security to the relationship. They are also often warm and unpredictably playful and able to break through whatever gloom and self-absorption Fours may periodically fall into. Fours give Sixes the sense that they are needed—helping to give Sixes more confidence in their ability to cope with things. Sixes like being practical and they often provide Fours with a platform of some kind to develop their creativity as well as the time and support they may need to work through their emotional issues. This combination creates steadiness and daring, balance and the ability to fill in the gaps for each other both in their own development and in practical affairs.
  • 218. FOUR – SIX (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • As noted above, both Fours and Sixes have issues with feelings of abandonment. Both types in the lower Levels tend to be emotionally reactive, critical of others, pessimistic, and can feel overwhelmed. While they may not often talk about it, they may test each other in various ways in an attempt to discover how loyal the other will be to them. Both types may also begin to subtly withdraw attention and affection from the other as a way of defending against the hurt of potential abandonment, should it occur. But in this, both types have a tendency to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which their fears and reactions bring about the very thing they are consciously trying to avoid. Both types can become codependent, and their reliance on each other may not result in development for either: Fours do not automatically become more practical, and Sixes do not become more insightful about themselves.
    • Another potential trouble spot for Fours and Sixes lies in the area of change and tolerance for change. Generally, Fours are more interested in self-exploration and self-development and they tend to be more adventuresome in their tastes and in what they allow themselves to think and to experience. Sixes tend to be more conservative and resistant to change and to personal exploration, making for potential conflict with Fours, who may feel that Sixes are holding them back and stifling their creativity and development. Both can be pessimistic and self-doubting, gloomy and mistrustful of others. The complaint that Fours typically have about Sixes is that they are not free-spirited and romantic enough, whereas the complaint of Sixes about Fours is that they are too undependable and act too much on whims and are not emotionally stable enough. Both types are reactive and conflicts can escalate quickly: misunderstandings can lead to projections and massive over-reactions.
  • 219. FOUR – SEVEN
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Fours and Sevens tend to be intrigued by each other since they are a generally a case of opposites attracting. Fours tend to be quiet, introverted, self-doubting, emotional, and pessimistic, while Sevens tend to be outgoing, extroverted, self-confident, mental, and optimistic. Sevens help Fours overcome shyness and a possible reluctance to try new experiences. Fours help Sevens stay focused on what they really want—and to respect and allow their feelings. Fours and Sevens bring to their relationship the charge and mystery of their differences—that they think so differently, react so differently, and find pleasure in such different ways. They can therefore become intrigued by the other, finding him or her endlessly fascinating, always ready with something new and unexpected.
    • Both Fours and Sevens bring a capacity for joy and ecstasy, spontaneity, emotion, and for passion. Both Fours and Sevens love lively conversation and they can pass hours sharing with each other detailed accounts of the events of the day as well as their thoughts and reactions. Both Fours and Sevens love the finer things of life, travel, good food, wine, clothes, and furnishings, and, for better or worse, both can tend to overspend their incomes on what they consider life's necessities—caviar, champagne, and another trip to Europe. They both have a love of the new and a sense of adventure and romance that can keep their relationship fresh and lively for themselves and be a source of joy and inspiration for others. Both types can be funny, irreverent, and entertaining. There is also an earthiness and bawdiness to both, as well as, paradoxically, a sophistication and elitism. Being opposites, Fours and Sevens can balance each other: Fours bringing a sense of depth and interiority, while Sevens contribute a sense of fun and emotional resilience.
  • 220. FOUR – SEVEN (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Because they are so different in many ways, Fours and Sevens must have several strong points of attraction or else they will likely miss connecting with each other. Unless some strong passion (romantic, mental, or spiritual) keeps them together, they are likely to fly apart if there are any deep disagreements or conflicts early in the relationship. Both types tend to be impulsive and to be easily frustrated with others when they are disappointed or if their life circumstances do not go as they expect. Both have high expectations for the kind of attention and quality of interactions they want from others, and if they are not forthcoming, both tend to not give others too many second chances to prove themselves. While Fours may admire and even secretly envy the Seven's resilience and high energy, they may also find themselves worn down by their fast-paced lives and what feels to Fours like the Seven's relentless plans and activities. Fours can see Sevens as too noisy, superficial, and insensitive-and occasionally coarse and insulting without realizing it.
    • On the other hand, Sevens may admire and try to imitate the Four's artistic flair, creativity, and appreciation of subtlety and beauty. But Sevens can also see Fours as hypersensitive, ineffectual, impractical, moody, and self-absorbed. In addition, if the relationship worsens, Fours usually become more withholding and hostile, sniping at the other from a safe distance. Sevens become more impatient, abrasive, and can be verbally abusive. Fours may want to talk about everything that has gone wrong with the relationship in great detail with the Seven. By contrast, Sevens typically want to move on to something more promising and upbeat. The result is that underlying problems do not get resolved adequately. Once this relationship curdles, virtually everything each admired and was attracted to in the other becomes irritating and insufferable.
  • 221. FOUR – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • This can be one of the most creative relationship couplings, although it is also one of the most inherently volatile. Both Enneagram Fours and Eights are intense and have strong emotional responses; both seek to get a reaction from the other, and both can be dominating of their environments—Eights are socially dominant, Fours are emotionally dominant. Both types bring passion, intensity, energy, and deep (often unconscious) feelings to all aspects of the relationship. They are attracted to each other's storminess, the other's vulnerability, and the other's "hidden" qualities: neither is what they seem to be on the surface. Both types are also highly intuitive—Fours by being self-aware and knowledgeable about how they are feeling, and Eights with their intuition about external phenomena, often with an extremely accurate insight about the potentials and possibilities exhibited by others. Because of their passionate natures, both types can become impulsive and reckless, taking extreme risks for love of thrills or for the sensation of being alive—and this can be tremendously exciting to the other. But there are trade-offs: Fours tend to depend on the Eight's practicality and ability to protect and provide for them, whereas Eights tend to depend on the Four's sensitivity and mysterious sense of challenge—the Four's emotional life and heart may be one world that the Eight cannot easily conquer.
    • On the other hand, Fours see strength, charisma, and solidity in Eights. Both feel that the other can meet their intensity—that the other will not be boring or non-responsive to them. They make each other feel more alive—something that both want. Intensity, vitality, passion, and immediacy are the emotional hallmarks of this couple, and they relate to each other (and to others in their world) from an unusually high emotional pitch—there is always something happening in their relationship, and they like it this way.
  • 222. FOUR – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Both types take a certain pride in having a large than life quality about them: Eights in their larger than life willpower and quest for control, Fours in their larger than life emotions and in their quest for self-expression. Both types want to be free and to be free from having anyone control them, particularly in their careers and private lives. If they feel that the other is trying to control them, both types can become enraged, easily triggering gargantuan battle, financial and sexual intrigues, and rampant feelings of hatred. Both Fours and Eights are emotionally stormy and prone to periods of rage, depression, vengeance, and various forms of acting out. When conflicts between them reach a certain pitch, arguing replaces real connection, and fighting (and possible physical violence) becomes an increasingly common element of their communication, with the violence often running both ways.
    • They can also begin to get into the practice of fighting and making up because both are more exciting that way. They can also begin punish each other by withholding attention and affection and by verbally putting the other down, often in public. No coupling is more passionate than the Four/Eight combination—nor is any couple more likely to deteriorate into verbal and physical abuse and various kinds of personal retaliation for escalating offenses. (They also tend to draw their friends and family into their conflicts, trying to make others choose sides.) They may get into the feeling that they are not able to stop themselves from hurting each other, as much as part of them would like to quiet down and become more normal. The passionate attraction that they have for each other can end in obsession and hurtful, ruinously impulsive actions.
  • 223. FOUR – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • This can be, paradoxically, both a very comfortable—and yet exciting—relationship pair. Enneagram Fours and Nines are both withdrawn and private, sensitive to the feelings and needs of the other and, empathetic to the suffering of others. Both can be tender-hearted and highly sympathetic to the suffering that they find in the world and in each other. Both want to find a deep connection with the other, and yet, both also want a certain degree of autonomy and insist on a very real degree of privacy. Both Fours and Nines can be highly creative, and as a pair they enthusiastically support the other's creativity and give the other a good deal of space in which to develop their talents. Both are idealistic and want to connect deeply with someone, feeling that they are on a search for their soul mate, the one person in the world with whom they can completely connect and be themselves.
    • Both Fours and Nines also bring a sensuality and love of comfort that is noteworthy; this may express itself in their lifestyle, traveling habits, and in their sexual and other intimate activities. This is a couple that likes to stay in bed all Sunday morning, reading the papers and talking. Each brings passion and an appreciation of the other coupled with a desire to be comfortable and build a life with the other. Fours can make Nines become more intense and expressive about how they feel, while Nines can allow Fours to feel understood and accepted for who they are. Fours are good at naming feelings and pinpointing emotional states; Nines are good at creating an atmosphere of nonjudgmental acceptance, Nines may even enjoy the emotional storms and dramas that Fours occasionally get into, feeling that it adds spice to their life together. A lot of the pleasure and passion of this couple is nonverbal in the depth of the understanding that each has for the other.
  • 224. FOUR – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • The biggest area of conflict between Fours and Nines is that each tends to react differently as stress increases: Fours become more emotionally volatile and demanding, while Nines become more disengaged and impossible to get through to. Fours can feel too unstable and dramatic, unpredictable and moody for Nines, while Nines can feel too unresponsive and emotionally inert, unsatisfying and uncommunicative for Fours. Nines can become angered by the Four's sense of entitlement and demands for attention and exemption. Fours can become angered by Nines' irresponsibility and apparent inability to learn from their mistakes and experiences. If conflicts and tensions increase between them, Nines can shut down more and more so that communication stops, and they give Fours the subtle message that they don't want to hear their reactions or deal with their feelings. Fours can feel that talking with Nines is like playing tennis with yourself—there's no one to hit the ball back—and there is too little relating in the relationship. Contempt for what Fours see is being boring and ineffectual can end the relationship.
    • Both types look for partners who seem to embody some qualities that they feel they do not have themselves: Nines seek strong, high energy partners, whereas Fours seek partners who possess some ego-ideal that they feel they are missing themselves. In lower functioning Fours and Nines, neither energizes the other and both get stuck in a morass of inhibited anger, resentment, and irritation with each other. Fours tend to give up on the Nines (as being hopelessly inert and dull), whereas Nines tend to give up on Fours (as being too demanding and emotionally volatile).
  • 225. FIVE – FIVE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Fives generally bring the same qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts. To a Five, another Five is virtually his or her idea of the perfect companion: well informed, intellectually stimulating, independent, imaginative, quiet (unless it's about subjects of mutual interest), fact oriented (as opposed to being utterly emotional and subjective), non-intrusive, and always ready for a good debate or a good movie. Since they do not wish to be controlled in any way, or even for people to know too much about them, Fives give a great deal of personal and emotional space to each other. It may be weeks or even months before they both see the insides of each other's homes. They value tactfulness and would never knowingly put people on the spot for personal information or make personal demands on anyone for favors. Distance, respect, courtesy, good boundaries, few demands (and no expectations), are hallmarks of a double Five pairing. Of course, Fives can be curious about each other and their private lives, but there is a great deal of reticence to take the initiative where personal matters are at stake.
    • Some Fives are more forward socially but their experience is somewhat like the mating of shy and prickly animals: unless the other finds a way to hold on to the Five, the Five is soon off again. Two Fives, as a pair, they must learn quickly how to balance the independence they require with the degree of intimacy and personal sharing and self-disclosure required to establish a meaningful relationship. In most cases, this takes a while, although once Fives have found someone with whom they feel comfortable, they can become quickly (but still secretly) attached. Long silences and breaks are punctuated by intense bursts of communication. The meeting of minds does not have to be full of words.
  • 226. FIVE – FIVE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Double Five pairing can suffer from over-intellectualizing their relationship, approaching each other analytically rather than as someone to be felt or identified with in a more emotional and subjective way. They also tend to compartmentalize their life together (just as they do their own lives), drawing boundaries around your world and my world. Both parties can begin to become secretive and to lead something of a double life, consciously withholding information about themselves and their activities from the other out of the fear of being engulfed by them, and from a deep-seated resistance to sharing themselves or merging with someone. Double Five pairs can also become argumentative and competitive, getting into a pattern of intellectual bickering over fine points and (ultimately trivial) details. But since intellectual prowess is so highly prized in Fives, there may be one or more areas in which competitiveness and intellectual showing off at the expense of the other begins to take place.
    • The main problem for most double Five pairs is too much emotional distance and reticence to express oneself which can erode intimacy. They each become too private and run the risk of becoming isolated from each other. They can deteriorate into a professional association connected by respect for the other's competency and other positive qualities, but any emotional connection may eventually get lost—if it ever was established in the first place. A kind of dryness and indifference about the possibility of finding a satisfactory rapport comes over them, and eventually even a final cutting off of all wanting of such a thing. Fives can drift apart, burying themselves ever more deeply in their work or their intellectual hobbies while still living together. Eventually, both Fives live without any hope or expectation that the other could break through to them, or that they would ever want to break out of their own detached shell. Couples such as this can deteriorate into eccentric recluses, cut off from themselves and from the world around them.
  • 227. FIVE – SIX
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Both Enneagram Fives and Sixes are mental types, although there are significant differences. Both have respect for the intellectual acumen of the other and the expertise and technical mastery the other possesses. They may well begin a relationship as colleagues or by sharing the same professional area of interest which forms the basis for a friendship and eventually something more intimate. Both types respect detail, factual objectivity and accuracy, craftsmanship, and the ability to analyze situations without inserting personal opinions or biases. As a pair, Fives and Sixes can be highly effective in dealing with crises because both are attuned to danger and to bringing their expertise to solve problems.
    • Fives also offer emotional calm, detached objectivity, observational skills, an unusual and penetrating curiosity, and an unwillingness to settle for easy answers. Sixes bring strongly held values and ideas that make them less objective than Fives although they are more passionate. Their very emotional reactivity—including anxiety and fear-gives Sixes a more sympathetic, human quality. Sixes are more openly unsure of themselves and often look to authorities of some kind (including the Fives they trust) to give them guidance and advice. Fives tend to be surer of their ability to think for themselves and to entertain new ideas. Fives also tend to be more skeptical and rejecting of authority. Fives are accepting of Sixes' changing needs for independence with connection; they are also patient with the Six's vacillations. The devotion of Sixes and understated caring can break through the Five's tendency to isolate. Thus, Fives and Sixes, as a pair, tend to have a symbiotic intellectual relationship of doubt and decision, questions and answers, problems solved and problems discovered that can be endlessly stimulating. In any event, for a relationship between these two opposite head types to work, there must be a tested and unshakable trust between them: they may often come to different conclusions, but they at least know that their hearts and minds are in the right place.
  • 228. FIVE – SIX (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • The potential trouble spots between Fives and Sixes have already been hinted at above. In short, Fives and Sixes tend to think in diametrically opposite ways and often are on the opposite side of the fence in their conclusions. There will be a good deal of intellectual and emotional tension between them, for better or worse. Sixes tend to look to precedents for guidance about how to proceed; they tend also to be more guided by rules and procedures and protocols, building their arguments and marshalling their facts meticulously, if sometimes ponderously, so that they can feel unassailable. Fives tend to take greater intellectual leaps of the imagination and to consider less or not at all what has been the received wisdom or common consensus of opinion.
    • Once trust and communication break down, Fives can begin to see Sixes as too conservative and indecisive in their thinking and actions. Sixes get nervous about making a mistake and do not want to be criticized (much less ostracized) for their efforts. They can seem to be prejudiced and not open minded, petty and political, playing favorites and trying to please authorities rather than seek the objective truth. To Sixes, Fives can seem excessively independent, unwilling and constitutionally unable to work within a system or group. Sixes feel that Fives are needlessly provocative and have useless, strange ideas that are impractical and a waste of time. Sixes want to build security by having something clear to believe in; Fives want to find the objective facts, whether or not it makes them feel secure. Fives do not need Sixes' discouraging wet blanket approach. Sixes do not need Fives' endlessly vivid imagination for darkness and catastrophe. Each can feed each other's sense of powerlessness and hopelessness. Fives can see Sixes as closed-minded drudges and fanatics, whereas Sixes see Fives as weird, isolated, and hopelessly impractical. As a pair, these are emotional opposites and tend to work better as professional colleagues than as intimates: one wants to put out fires, the other wants to play with matches.
  • 229. FIVE – SEVEN
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Since they are both thinking types, Enneagram Fives and Sevens both bring a lot of mental energy and appreciation for ideas to their relationship. Their approach is complementary and reciprocal—each one brings something that the other does not have. On the positive side, Fives bring depth, clarity of observation, insight into the objective state of affairs, independence and self-reliance, and often a wonderfully, off-beat, whimsical sense of humor. It almost goes without saying that they have quick minds and love knowledge and intellectual pursuits. Sevens bring quickness not only of mind but of spirit—ready to do almost anything at a moment's notice, from going to a movie to booking an around the world trip, from moving the furniture across the room to moving the home to another state. Sevens are independent, although they like to have a few people around to join in the fun and to add to the celebratory, happy feeling that they are always looking for in their lives. They tend to be generous and extravagant, optimistic, gregarious, and outgoing with strangers, often the life of the party.
    • Fives tend to be somewhat more frugal with money and resources, seldom spending much on themselves (unlike Sevens). Fives also tend to be private and taciturn around strangers, although they can be very funny once they get to know you and feel secure. Fives ground and deepen Sevens, giving them permission to take themselves and their interests more seriously, to focus their energies, and to stay with things until they pay off. Sevens get Fives to try new experiences and to make more social contacts. They may also run interference for Fives in social settings. Both like conversation and ideas and they love to explore new realms together. In short, this is a mixture of opposites with different attitudes about how to enjoy themselves and how to be fulfilled in the world. Fives say: "Life is short: don't expect too much." Sevens say: "Life is short: try it all." Both attitudes are true and can usefully balance the other.
  • 230. FIVE – SEVEN (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Fives tend to minimize their needs and their expectations of life, particularly whenever they are under more stress. They tend to see things in terms of scarcity and of being personally unprepared to meet the demands of the world. The result is that as pressures on them increase, Fives tend to withdraw and detach emotionally from everyone around them, and ultimately, even from themselves. They become more reclusive, isolated, disembodied minds who are difficult to break through to, much less to engage in constructive action. This pattern is very difficult on Sevens for whom quick action and having multiple escape routes is the norm. As pressures increase on them, Sevens go into hyper-drive, going more places, doing more things, talking more, getting more advice, gossiping about their relationship problems, and possibly turning to substance abuse to control their mounting anxiety and sadness. These problems only make Fives withdraw further and become frightened of someone who they see as out of control.
    • In the lower Levels, Fives can see Sevens as too escapist, superficial, intrusive, and coarse, wanting the Five to be more fun so that the Seven's experience will be more positive. Fives become more cynical and self-sabotaging, cutting off access to themselves so that no one can hurt them. Sevens embarrass Fives by being too effusive and glib. On the other hand, Sevens think Fives are cold and unresponsive. Conflicts with each other's style make both dig in their heels: Sevens become more demanding and pushy, whereas Fives become more withdrawn and uncooperative. Sevens may act out to get the Five's attention, but they may go too far causing Fives to close the door. A lack of trust and difficulty in finding a safe common ground to work out differences makes things worse as both types tend to take extreme, well-defended positions.
  • 231. FIVE – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • These two types bring to each other complementary and reciprocal talents—just what the other needs but is not necessarily aware of. For instance, Enneagram Fives need to be more identified with their body and with their instinctive energy; they need to be more engaged with the practical world and to feel their own sense of power and capacity. They can learn these qualities from Eights. On the other hand, Eights need to be more thoughtful and aware of the impact of their actions on themselves and on their environment. They need to know more and to think of consequences more carefully before acting. Every action produces a reaction, and it is not necessarily the one that the Eight wants to happen. This kind of analytic foresight is something Eights can learn from Fives.
    • Besides these qualities, both Fives and Eights bring a common insistence on independence and non-interference from others. Both types are aware of boundaries and dislike intrusion. Both enjoy a good debate, and both admire someone who stands up for himself intellectually and/or physically. Both types feel like misfits and so they understand each other's emotional core, often in an unspoken way. Both types need personal space, but when they find each other, they can both show a surprising degree of need and vulnerability. They see the other person behind the defense, relating to each others' sense of dignity and hidden vulnerabilities. Both can be stoical toward their own suffering and unhappiness, with little or no self-pity. As a couple, they can bring power and depth, action and thoughtfulness, brilliance and brashness to their world. They are also the natural protectors and advisors of each other: Eights love to protect less tough Fives, and Fives help Eights recognize the subtleties for their plans and actions. These two types can therefore band together as a coalition of power and brains, a formidable combination.
  • 232. FIVE – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Fives are not much in touch with their physical bodies—they identify with their minds and are indifferent to virtually all of the physical and practical goals that more earthy Eights have. Not wanting a house, a company, or a spouse are all sources of pride to average Fives who feel good about themselves when they can cut off from their needs and learn to do without. Eights, by contrast, take pride in their earthly conquests, whether socially, financially, sexually, or psychologically. Making their mark on their environment is a primary goal for Eights and they often use their physical stature and energy to intimidate people and enforce their will. Thus, the more insecure these two types become, the more they react in completely opposite ways: Fives shut down more completely, become more taciturn, secretive, and isolated, while Eights become more confrontational, threatening, and enraged.
    • The biggest problem is that in the lower Levels, these two separate physically from the other and any real communication ceases to take place. Lower functioning Fives tend to lose respect for anyone they judge to be irrational, destructive, and out of control. The storminess and threats of unhealthy Eights terrify Fives who must physically leave to feel safe. They know and will attack each other's vulnerabilities if sufficiently provoked—and both Fives and Eights tend to provoke each other as a way of protecting themselves. Both types are also sensitive to rejection and both tend to feel rejected easily. The Five's departure will trigger a strong rejection reaction in the Eight who will likely retaliate in any way that he or she can. An Eight's departure will trigger the Five's rejection feelings, but more likely with a collapse into cynicism and depression. Both can be extremely cynical, and the demise of their relationship only confirms their darkest opinions about the possibility of human beings living together.
  • 233. FIVE – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • An Enneagram Five/Nine pair gives each other a great deal of personal and emotional space for activities and for doing things on their own. Neither one would hovers or intrudes on the other, although the capacity for a healthy emotional connection and interest in each other is still present. This pair is characterized by a sense of quiet, non-intrusiveness, spaciousness, and respect for each other's boundaries, work, and individuality. Nines are undemanding and uncritical. Nines are the more emotional of the two types, but even so, Nines do not always know what they are feeling or how to express themselves adequately. They appreciate the Five's ability to be curious about them and to draw them out of the kind of "inner fuzziness" that Nines can get into. Nines appreciate the Five's intellectual sharpness, ability to ask the right questions, to remember things, to be objective, and their patience. Fives appreciate Nine's warmth—and when there is a real personal or sexual connection between them—their nurturing qualities. Fives usually feel dry and cut off from emotional sustenance; if they find this in someone, it is likely to be a Nine who can offer unquestioned acceptance, sensual comfort, and tenderness. Nines often make Fives relax-deeply and completely, something Fives very much need.
    • Both types have an intellectual component and if they are more or less on an intellectual par with each other, they can be a powerful and stimulating couple: the pungent wit of the Five is softened by the droll understatement of the Nine. Both appreciate the irrational and the absurd, although Fives dig far deeper into the dark areas of life than Nines. This pair can be a case of two people initiating the other into very different world views: the idealism and the realism, the sunlight and the darkness both have a place here.
  • 234. FIVE – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Tensions between Fives and Nines can begin to grow as a result of the very amount of space that each is willing and able to give the other. Both are highly aware of boundaries and of feeling pressured or intruded on by anyone, and so both tend to expect an unusual degree of independence from the other and to give a large degree of freedom to the other without being asked. For this reason, it is often difficult for Fives and Nines to take the initiative (to make a date, for instance) or to be decisive about calling on a regular basis, or even to know what their feelings are telling them about the other. There may well be a great deal of comfort and intellectual rapport, but one or both of the couple may be relatively cut off from their feelings so that they do not actually know how much they care for the other, or even if they are in love. Nines tend to be more emotionally available and fluid in this regard, liking and even idealizing the Five while they are together, but quickly forgetting those positive feelings when the person is away. Nines easily get into an out of sight, out of mind state where the other might as well not exist if they are not physically together. Nines can also idealize the other so much that when they get together, the Five cannot really live up to the image that the Nine has of them in their imagination. Fives, on the other hand, can become frustrated by the on again, off again attentions of the Nine and begin to become cynical and pessimistic about the relationship, analyzing the Nine and intellectually dissecting the relationship both as a defense from being hurt and as a way to express anger over their disappointment.
    • Both types can be disconnected from themselves and from the other, living in projections and imagination rather than seeing the other as they are. Work and solitary interests can take the Five's attention, and the pursuit of peace and more supportive relationships can draw the Nine away. Unless there is an intense reason to see each other frequently, the stubbornness, inertia, and autonomy issues of the Nine will mix with the withdrawal, detachment, and indifference of the Five and the relationship will wither away.
  • 235. SIX – SIX
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Sixes generally bring the same qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts. Strong Six couples understand each other deeply and make a point of trying to understand what they don't understand. Two Sixes usually bond with each other very quickly sensing a kindred spirit, and there can rapidly develop a playful, bantering, buddies-in-arms kind of excited collusion and relief, like two kids who have found each other in the woods and can help each other to safety. A double Six couple will have a sense of shared secrets and values, of intellectual stimulation and questioning that they find both useful and stimulating.
    • Trust is extremely important to both Sixes, and once it has been established, it allows them to relax and enjoy themselves as they do with few others. Trust allows double Six couples to think aloud to test ideas, voice doubts and suspicions, and to discover what they really feel about various things. They give each other a lot of support and mutual protection, and are ready to come to the other's aid without hesitation. Loyalty, commitment, and a "You're my friend—no questions asked" attitude reinforces the feelings of security and safety that they build together. There can also be a great deal of unspoken sensitivity and delicacy in a double Six relationship. Sixes are generally not adept at talking about their feelings directly, so their feelings and attitudes are mostly expressed in their actions and in the depth of their dedication and steadfastness. Each person also inspires the other as each works for the other's welfare and happiness—often more energetically than they would for their own alone.
  • 236. SIX – SIX (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Double Six couples (whether in intimate or professional situations) tend to be emotionally reactive, and once a spirit of negativity or scarcity enters the picture, their fears can begin to feed off of each other. Double Six pairs can get into worst case scenarios and other forms of catastrophizing, each magnifying problems until they both feel like crises are everywhere and that they are doomed. Sometimes extreme reactions will cause them to act impulsively, without thinking through their situation or finding an adequate solution to their problem. They may arbitrarily take an action—any action—that promises to relieve their anxiety. On the other hand, double Six couples can become indecisive and fall into a feeling of stalemate and confusion, unable to act and unable to get some perspective on their problems. Since they are also emotionally reactive, they tend to become edgy and argumentative with each other, often blaming the other for the situation and for not providing the solution. Shifting blame back and forth can be like a ping pong match whose main objectives are to keep connection with the other by keeping them in the argument—and to buy time to work through their anxiety so that a solution may appear.
    • Double Six couples can thus be one of the most keyed up of pairings with lots of yelling, outbursts, arguments, blaming—and making up—in the mix. In the lower Levels, there can be an openly worried, semi-hysterical atmosphere that keeps everyone on edge with nervous pessimism. And yet, it is difficult to break the pattern because so many of the double Sixes' fears are irrational and based on speculations about the future. There is no way to settle them logically until the future happens. Double Six couples therefore tend to wear each other out with negativity, worrying, suspicion, and eventually mistrust of each other. Accusations and feelings of betrayal or lack of support can be part of the picture as this couple sours and finds it almost impossible to reestablish trust and the old friendly, playful spirit that they once had.
  • 237. SIX – SEVEN
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Both Enneagram Sixes and Sevens are mental types, and there can be a great deal of mental stimulation in this pairing. These two types offer many areas in which they reinforce each other, and some areas in which the strengths of one counterbalance the limitations of the other. Sevens are usually entertaining and tend to lift the spirits of Sixes. Both are quick mentally and often have rapier wits: they enjoy bantering with each other, verbally sparring and seeing how absurd or funny they can become as they push each other to more outrageous limits. Sevens are particularly good at generating new ideas while Sixes are particularly good at mastering the practical steps that are necessary to get things done. Sevens help Sixes put fear and limitation into perspective, and sometimes to move beyond them entirely. They thus make effective team members in which the Seven lays out the big picture and gets people excited about new possibilities while the Six moves in with the logistical and tactical know-how, following through with the details. In intimate relationships, the same balance pertains: Sevens are the stimulators, Sixes are the regulators—and they can keep each moving forward by allowing the other to counterbalance their own limitations.
    • To this visionary-functionary mix, Sixes bring commitment and loyalty to the Seven, often an expertise and groundedness that the Seven comes to trust and rely on implicitly, as well as a strong grip on reality and what can be accomplished within given parameters. Sevens bring a driving sense of optimism and possibility, high energy, a sense of adventure, and fearlessness with regard to failure. They can teach Sixes how to be resilient and how not to fear the future, while Sixes can teach Sevens the difference between optimism and pipedreams.
  • 238. SIX – SEVEN (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Despite how well Sixes and Sevens can reinforce each other's strengths when they are healthy, in the average to lower Levels, the picture can shift quickly. Sixes are essentially interested in security and predictability, foreseeing problems and building procedures to prevent future uncertainty. They are aware of limitations and why things cannot be done—or at least done easily. Sevens, by contrast, are about seeking happiness and relief from increasing frustration or anxiety. They are about trying new things, seeing new possibilities and overcoming limitations. They do not want to hear about problems or obstacles: they want things to be done the day before yesterday. Sixes tend to be negative and pessimistic, while Sevens tend to be positive and optimistic.
    • Sevens are future oriented, while Sixes tend to be aware of the past, of precedents, and the lessons of history that would prevent things from going badly again. Sixes very much want to find someone with whom they can have a long term commitment, Sevens tend to be fearful of long term commitments and enter into them somewhat reluctantly. Sixes tend to feel that Sevens are too hedonistic, selfish, extravagant, and when the chips are down, they wonder if they can be relied on. Will they skip off to someone else or avoid their responsibilities in some form of escapism or addiction? Sevens tend to feel that Sixes are too anxiety ridden, worry too much, and make themselves (and everyone else!) crazy raising every question and objection before trying anything. Sixes oppose everything, at least at first, and get distrustful and suspicious easily. They live a life of limits and rules that Sevens feel are restrictions largely imaginary and self-imposed. In a Six/Seven couple, these two opposing philosophies reflect the very different expectations Sixes and Seven have from life and from a relationship, and unless they can be reconciled, it will be difficult for this couple to remain one.
  • 239. SIX – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Sixes and Eights can build an extraordinarily strong, long-lasting relationship on what is, at root, a defensive view of the world. Both types feel that most people and the world are selfish and untrustworthy, and that they world is highly unpredictable. One therefore needs to take care of oneself and one's own interests (Eights) and have strong allies and the ability to get back up from one's friends (Sixes). Both Sixes and Eights have deep issues with trust—and with finding people they are able to trust-and so when they have found each other and have gone through a period of testing, their alliance can be solid and deep. Once they have bonded with each other, both types have done so on a deep level of their being, and while the relationship may change over time, they are never indifferent to each other. They both admire and try to embody strength, commitment to one's word, honor, unquestioned loyalty, responsibility, hard work, courage, a spirit of protectiveness, and fighting for the underdog. Both are doers, and enjoy being active, getting tasks accomplished, building a more safe and secure world for themselves and their loved ones. Sixes bring warmth, the desire for personal connection and commitment, a certain playfulness and sensitivity.
    • They are also mental types and bring skepticism, analytic thinking, and the ability to think through decisions and to foresee outcomes and potential problems before acting. Sixes thus tend to act as advisors and lieutenants to Eights who tend to take the lead and provide the vision and audacity that Sixes sometimes lack themselves. Eights also bring directness and decisiveness, strong wills, confidence, a can do spirit that is energized by adversity and a penchant for taking on challenges. Sixes tend to look up to the Eights as their hero, while Eights are touched by the Six's devotion and courage. Eights are aware of their inner struggles and what it takes to overcome them. When there is genuine affection between these two types, there may be fireworks and occasional fights, but the bond only seems to grow stronger with time.
  • 240. SIX – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Both Sixes and Eights are emotional, although both tend to hide their emotions and vulnerabilities as best they can. Eights do so under a veneer of toughness and bravado, Sixes under a shell of defensiveness and bluster. Both tend to counterattack and go on the offensive when threatened—or when they feel they are being threatened. In general, Eights tend to take the lead in most relationships they are in and to set the tone and make decisions. They expect others to obey them and to be loyal to them. Eights may tolerate (or even be amused by) an occasional flare up of independence on the part of others around them, but ultimately, they expect to be in charge. For the most part, this is also fine with Sixes, except for those times when Sixes feel the need to push back and to prove themselves. They need to show others (including the Eight) that they cannot be pushed around or taken advantage of. Power struggles of all kinds can ensue. This is especially true of "counter-phobic" Sixes who can actually react much like Eights, displaying leadership, decisiveness and independence (on the positive side) as well as bluster, aggression, and defiance. Sixes who are more counter-phobic tend to get into more open fights with Eights until both have determined their territory and just how far each can push the other.
    • Sixes who are more openly phobic (fearful, timid, anxious) generally tend to avoid confrontations with Eights; instead, they tend to present no open threat to the Eight's dominance, while being covertly passive-aggressive and evasive. Eights can get into conflicts with phobic Sixes by sensing their indirect, questioning qualities—and whether or not the Six is as loyal to the Eight as the Eight wants. Eights may become more or less openly contemptuous of them if they feel the Six is weak or vacillating. Problems in this relationship can be exacerbated by the Eight's tendency to get into rages, to make threats to the Six's security, or to bully and play on weaknesses. When trust and respect crumble in this relationship, constant testing from both parties brings about the end fairly quickly.
  • 241. SIX – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • This is one of the most stable and most common relationships. Although both types are very different, they want rather similar things—security and predictability (Sixes) and stability and autonomy (Nines). They both want their lives to be built on solid, dependable values and for good, honest work to be rewarded. Both types tend to personify "middle of the road" values in their time and culture, to be dutiful, respectful of authority, and to abide by the rule of law. On the other hand, there is a rebellious streak in Sixes and a counterculture streak in Nines that allows some of these couples to live on the fringes of society, to be unusual in their lifestyle and beliefs, to be free thinkers and unconcerned about conventional values and mores.
    • More for Sixes and Nines than for most couples, much depends on their belief systems and the quality of their childhood experiences—and they are looking for a partner who will mirror this, including their own beliefs and reactions. To this mix, there are also complementary differences: Sixes bring a more active mind, questioning and alert to exceptions, to problems, and to safety issues. They can be more skeptical of others and find it more difficult to be trusting: others need to prove themselves first. Nines, on the other hand, are usually trusting and unquestioning, sunny and easy to get along with. They are optimistic and steady, offering support and non-threatening acceptance. If Sixes tend to see the exception and to focus on complications, Nines tend to see the general and to focus on what will work without problems. This couple gets along well, greasing each other's wheels and adding just enough gas to the mix to keep them moving forward together. Change, when it comes, is slow and methodical. Both tend to see themselves as simple, regular people and do not feel special or exempt in any way. Both bolster the other's confidence through their solidarity with each other. They are generous with each other and do not crowd the other or make special demands. When they find a relationship such as this, it usually feels like they have found what their heart has been seeking and their dream has come true.
  • 242. SIX – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Since Sixes and Nines find it very difficult to say what is actually on their minds (and what they really want for themselves), there is a great tendency in this relationship to clam up, to be silently stubborn and defensive, and to make the other person guess what is going on. If there is little motive to do so, the two parties will fall into a stalemate that keeps the other at arm's distance, yet close enough so that the other will not drift away. They may also begin to have health problems or other nonspecific complaints about themselves that seeks to bind the couple in cords of concern and guilt. Psychological or physical problems help to insure that the other person will continue to be there.
    • Moreover, while these two types fulfill social roles very well, they both tend to disappear in their roles too completely for their own good. Sixes are frequently burdened by guilt feelings and doggedly do whatever they think they must do to keep their job or their security in place. They try to make sure that they have covered the bases so that no one will be angry at them for failing in their responsibility. Nines also fulfill roles, but these usually have to do with mediating between people to keep them together in some way. They accommodate themselves and go along with what others need even as their own stress grows.
    • Another potential problem is that both types love the familiar and dislike change. The feeling is that familiarity equals security, which is reinforced by the conviction that they must not rock the boat. Both types will tend to put off confrontations until they are pushed to the limit, although Sixes have a shorter fuse concerning their anger. They will either give up on the Nine, or there will be an explosion in which a backlog of pent up hostilities will be said, often to the permanent damage of the relationship.
  • 243. SEVEN – SEVEN
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Sevens generally bring the same qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts. The key characteristics of double Seven relationships are easy to spot: high energy, spontaneity, frequent travel and entertaining, and an interest in anything new or that promises to open new possibilities. If both Sevens are psychologically healthy and well balanced, there is a noteworthy joyousness and sense of abundance that permeates their relationship and which spills out to everyone around them. A healthy double Seven relationship is emphatically happy—even radiant and exuberant-and both parties enjoy sharing their happiness with as many others as possible. They are thoughtful, sensitive, idealistic, hospitable, and generous. Double Seven couples are sociable and unusually good company for others as much as they are with each other.
    • Each brings to the relationship a spirit of personal freedom that is noteworthy. Neither wants to be tied down in routines or empty, formal commitments, and so both Sevens are determined to not impose many rules or expectations on the other. They want their relationship to be guided by the fact that both parties positively want to be with the other rather than feeling that they are locked into some constricting set of obligations. Both Sevens bring a sense of possibility, open-endedness, experimentalism, and realism that enables them to build a life together—while making it an enjoyable experience for themselves and their circle of family and friends. Double Seven pairings are optimistic and resilient, and always ready to pick themselves up and start over again when they run into difficulties. Gratitude for the relationship—and for finding each other—is the guiding spirit.
  • 244. SEVEN – SEVEN (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • Building a relationship usually takes time spent together, and patience to weather the disappointments and disillusionments that are also usually part of the picture. One of the main problems with double Seven relationships is that of impatience—of wanting the relationship to be more complete and developed than it really is. While double Seven pairings have no lack of energy and high expectations for their relationship, they may find it difficult to stay with both themselves and the other as both work through the growing pains of the relationship. As time goes on and the relationship is no longer the stimulating experience that it once was, Sevens begin to turn their attention elsewhere, possibly to their work or to other involvements.
    • Both Sevens feel that somewhere in the world exists the perfect person for them. Sevens are terrified of missing out on whatever in life they are meant to have. They hate the feeling that by committing themselves to one thing-whether it is one person, one place to live, or one career—they are limiting their life in some fundamental way. In short, Sevens tend to be commitment adverse, and it is a measure of their psychological health when they can commit relatively easily and permanently to someone. In a double Seven relationship, this problem is compounded and one of the Sevens must be the first to risk commitment—and possible rejection.
    • Another problem for double Seven relationships is that both tend to be impulsive and irreverent, often saying and doing whatever brings relief in the heat of the moment. During arguments things are said which cannot be unsaid, and feelings may be irreparably hurt by either. Both can be insensitive, self-centered, and unreliable. Both tend also to crave constant stimulation which can lead to a hectic social life. This can be exciting if both parties do things together, but if they begin to have separate interests and different sets of friends, their social lives will pull them apart. They may begin to have little time for each other or for their family. Someone is bound to feel left out, and on some level, each Seven is determined that it will not be him.
  • 245. SEVEN – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Both Enneagram Sevens and Eights are highly self-assertive, independent, and strong willed. Both types also resist being controlled or limited by authorities or even by internal, psychological mechanisms. Once someone (or even some inner voice) says do not, both Sevens and Eights respond with defiance and a desire to push the limits, whatever they may be. Both types are practical, this world-oriented, not necessarily worldly or materialistic, but concerned with concrete affairs and finding happiness and fulfillment in the here and now. Neither likes to postpone their satisfactions or to settle for vague promises about the future. Both tend to overspend their budget on a bountiful lifestyle that is a source of pleasure for themselves and their friends and family. They love to entertain and offer the best there is to others as a sign of their generosity and as a signal of their success and standing in the world.
    • Both are high energy people, often gifted with a vitality and gusto for life that is noteworthy. A Seven/Eight couple can get a tremendous amount done, and are revitalized by staying active. They are adventuresome and are willing to try new things in their relationship. They are also both extremely outspoken and do not hold themselves back from voicing their own opinions or making their needs known. Sevens bring more lightness and a sense of fun and excitement, trying something new and different for the sake of keeping things fresh and stimulating. They are also usually the more talkative of the two: Sevens are usually highly engaging storytellers and raconteurs, turning their adventures (and catastrophes) into entertaining tales. Eights are usually surprisingly more reserved and moody than is often recognized, and they rely on the Seven to lighten the atmosphere and to make their practical affairs more fun and enjoyable. Eights also bring directness, decisiveness, and the willingness to face difficult situations with determination and persistence.
  • 246. SEVEN – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • While a Seven/Eight couple can be an extremely productive, high-energy pair, problems may begin if the constructive outlets for that energy are thwarted or misguided. Sevens and Eights both need to find positive outlets for their prodigious energies and interests, and if they do not, they will inevitably discover destructive ways of releasing them. They may also begin to turn against each other or bring each other down in a kind of dark collusion that can have tragic consequences for them both. Both Sevens and Eights are extremely strong willed and independent and so both resist being controlled by the other, often taunting the other with their lack of influence over them. Eights tend to be authoritarian and bullying, ordering the Seven around and making threats if they are disobeyed. Sevens will attempt to avoid being controlled, and can become highly insulting and contemptuous of the Eight and their heavy-handed tactics. Both types will flaunt the other's inability to have their way, as if their defiance were a badge of honor. Both types can be extremely selfish and self-centered, feeling that the world revolves around them and their desires. Of course, this builds in the likelihood of conflicts.
    • Both types can also be verbally crude and insulting, frequently saying things that other types might only occasionally allow themselves to think. Their fights can be gargantuan brawls and public scenes in which physical abuse and violence may also play a significant part. The problem is, however, that both types tend to be addicted to excitement and the adrenaline rush of reckless behavior. Once they have begun to build their relationship on a certain level of physical excitement (whether it is from sexuality or violence), it is difficult for this couple to turn back to something more moderate. Anything less than being death defying seems lifeless and boring. They may, however, push the limits once too far, with tragic consequences not only for their relationship, but for everyone around them.
  • 247. SEVEN – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Sevens and Nines are one of the most often seen pairings of the types because they bring a good mix of similar and opposite qualities. Fundamentally, Sevens and Nines are both positive outlook types who are optimistic, upbeat, and who prefer to avoid conflicts and negatives in their lives and in their relationship. Both types are friendly, sociable, and generally happy with themselves and with their lives. Neither is typically introspective or brooding, preferring to get on with things rather than to look backward or to stew over failures or disappointments. Both are able to forgive and forget and to make the best of their limitations, whatever they might be. They might be separated physically or have few financial means, but Sevens and Nines can make the best of these circumstances and continue to build their future together. Both tend to be practical, although both can have a romantic streak and a physicality that adds spice to their relationship. Both are also often funny and can make even the most mundane events pleasurable and pleasant. Sevens provide the stimulation, Nines the audience.
    • On the complementary opposite side, Sevens are more active and self-assertive than Nines; they tend to take initiatives, to make plans, to have multiple interests, and to provide the energy for the couple. Sevens are mentally quick, self-confident, curious, open to new experiences, and resilient when there are setbacks. They bring the fun, sparkle, and sense of adventure. Nines bring a sense of steadiness, support, and acceptance to the relationship. They tend to be more sympathetic and soft hearted than Sevens, as well as more relaxed and undemanding of themselves and their environment, including other people. Nines are also often generous and willing to make personal sacrifices to help others and to make them happy. Their personal simplicity and uncomplicatedness meshes well with the more assertive qualities of the Seven. As long as neither takes advantage of the other, there is a good balance between energy and relaxation in this couple.
  • 248. SEVEN – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • One of the main areas for potential problems is the fact that neither Sevens nor Nines are usually adept at working through negative or painful aspects of their lives or of the relationship. Both would prefer everything be kept on the positive side; neither one wants to fall into the possibility of depression or to otherwise cut off their chance for happiness. At most, they will briefly acknowledge a problem or conflict in their relationship by blaming the other: both types tend to become anxious, critical, and edgy when under stress, taking these things out on someone else rather than working through negative feelings themselves. Both types also tend to be blind to their own share of responsibility for how the relationship has deteriorated, including their own contribution to communication problems. Nines tend to collapse in the face of the Seven's angry demands, withdrawing into silence and, eventually, inaction. They become increasingly unable to make sense of the Seven's grievances, and so they become stubborn and shut down further, with occasional outbursts of anger or anxiety, or both.
    • Of the two types, Sevens are far more equipped to talk about whatever is bothering them than Nines, although this does not mean that Sevens are necessarily more able to face what is really bothering them much less resolve it. Sevens tend to impulsively say whatever comes to mind and to fall into excoriating verbal abuse of the Nine whenever the Seven feels frustrated. Sevens often feel that the Nine is too checked out and unresponsive to them. Nines seem perpetually indecisive, slow, and ineffectual. Sevens' criticisms and outright contempt for the unresponsiveness of the Nine only makes Nines retreat further from them and disengage from the situation. However, Sevens often feel that they cannot help themselves and that honesty demands that they tell the Nine how unhappy they are with them. One of the sunniest and most carefree couples can become one of the most hopelessly tortured if they become unwilling or unable to really talk with each other.
  • 249. EIGHT – EIGHT
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Eights generally bring the same qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts. Both Eights will bring a lot of energy, vitality, and passion to the relationship: few other combinations are so intensely involved with each other as this nor are they able to create such fireworks. They both have strong willpower, independent thinking, the ability to make decisions and get things done, and a desire to see results in the practical world: they will not simply talk about building a house or going on vacation—they will make it happen.
    • When two Eights are well matched, they paradoxically both stimulate each other and relax each other at the same time. They feel that their energy has been met, so they can relax around the other Eight and turn their attention and energy toward other interests. Two Eights are also able to profoundly relax each other because they have confidence in each other. They know that they have what it takes as a team to do what needs to be done, to be safe, secure, and stable in their own world. The feeling is We've got it covered. Rather than be marked by high energy, rather a quiet confidence is a hallmark of a double Eight couple. This is because they are relieved (and quietly happy) to have found someone else strong who they can depend on. This also leads to a profound feeling of mutual respect, direct and frequent communication, the ability to air their needs and feelings and to settle their occasional disagreements cleanly and quickly. Double Eight pairs can build a significant empire of some sort together, and because they feel that they have unshakable support in the other, they can also be generous and open-hearted with others.
  • 250. EIGHT – EIGHT (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • A double Eight combination will be extremely volatile, with lots of ego on display, frequent tests of wills and more or less open jockeying for control. They can get into competitions and rivalries because real equality and sharing is difficult between a lower functioning double Eight couple. Issues about being (and staying) in control will likely be the center of many conflicts, especially since lower functioning Eights do not want to back down or be seen as weak in any way. Both will therefore struggle to dominate, at least in some area, making for a highly reactive and conflict-ridden relationship.
    • Both Eights can have hair-trigger tempers and a certain degree of suspiciousness and paranoia might set in, even in regard to their partner. Tests of loyalty will come from both sides and both will tend to up the ante emotionally (and often sexually and financially) as things deteriorate. Nevertheless, someone will always need to make the final decision, and unless they learn how to communicate and negotiate effectively with each other, this combination can wear each other down. Both Eights tend to feel rejected unless they have the power, money, or position that would make their significant other want or need them. They may feel free to disparage the other, justifying their aggressiveness with the attitude that they can take it. Verbal and physical rough-play can get out of hand. Neither will be the first to back down in a conflict and it is very difficult for them to apologize.
    • Nevertheless, Eights can be surprisingly thin skinned and easily hurt, resulting in the banishment of others often over seemingly trivial matters. Further, two Eights can also find that they tend to take up a lot of space—and therefore to need a lot of room-with each other. They may find it worthwhile to declare certain parts of the house (or similar territory) off limits to the other. In short, there is often too much bluntness and pushing each other around which can escalate into outright battles. Power struggles become occasions for revenge by the one who feels aggrieved, or they may simply take turns hurting each other as they continue to wear each other down until "the final straw" has been reached.
  • 251. EIGHT – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • Enneagram Eights bring leadership qualities—a take charge, "we can do it" mentality that others usually look up to and rely on. They are full of self-confidence and vitality and feel like a force of nature that cannot be denied. Nines generally admire these qualities in Eights and often gravitate to them. Nines typically tend to live vicariously through the positive qualities of the other, and Eights like to have people around who are impressed and stimulated by the Eight's leadership, vitality, and brashness. Nines genuinely admire the Eight's ability to make things happen and to fearlessly take on challenges.
    • On the other hand, Nines bring a sense of calm and stability that Eights find soothing and necessary for their wellbeing. They also bring to Eights a feeling of quiet pride in the Eight's bravado and more assertive qualities, encouraging Eights to continue in their take charge style. Even healthy Eights spend a lot of time overcoming obstacles and adversity; they are fighters trying to survive and make their mark on the world. Nines are like a safe harbor, a respite, a person with whom Eights can let down their guard and relax. They tend therefore to teach each other what the other lacks: Eights bring Nines self-confidence and self-assertion, while Nines teach Eights which battles are worth fighting for and how not to push so hard. The Eight/Nine couple is thus like fire and water—an active force and a receptive force—that has an archetypal feeling about it. Their roles are well-defined with each paying a parenting role toward the others-one is usually the daddy while the other is the mommy—although this does not go along gender lines as might be expected. Both have powerful drives and strong willpower; both like comfort and simplicity; both want to create a safe retreat from the world. When these forces and their talents are harnessed together after the same goals, this pair can be dynamic and powerful but also comfortable and receptive at the same time.
  • 252. EIGHT – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • One of the main problem areas for people of this combination is that, as they deteriorate, their defenses go in opposite directions: Eights tend to push harder, while Nines tend to increasingly shut down. Nines can become unresponsive, or worse, energetically pushing away the Eight as a defense. Eights become more aggressive and belligerent, demanding that their energy be met. Nines respond by not responding: they go on emotional strike, and may begin to reactive passive-aggressively, sabotaging the Eight's activities in various ways. This causes Eights to escalate berating and threatening the Nine, or else to encourage Eights to react passive-aggressively.
    • Eventually, Eights tend to lose interest in Nines, feeling that they are too obstructionistic to them and their plans. Whenever Eights want to do something exciting, Nines respond with "Why bother?" or its equivalent. Eights can not only feel thwarted in their vision, but also feel that one of their core strengths is being undermined or rejected. On the other hand, Nines can begin to see lower functioning Eights as too bossy and controlling, selfish and wanting everything to be their way. (Nines think that they want someone to be in charge and to direct things, but when Eights start directing them, they rebel and become stubborn.) Eights think Nines are blank slates who could be molded to their needs—and they get surprised by the depth and power of the Nines stubbornness.
    • The relationship often founders on rage whether expressed openly or covertly. Nines often feel that Eights are too openly aggressive and harsh with others in order to maintain their dominance. They may begin to have to take sides to protect their children or others who are vulnerable to what they see as the hardness and potential violence of Eights. At its worst, this archetypal, elemental combination can deteriorate into a domestic battlefield with frequent verbal and physical abuse.
  • 253. NINE – NINE
    • What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
    • As with all double-type relationships, two Enneagram Nines generally bring the same qualities to each other. Therein lies both a main source of the attraction as well as one of the main pitfalls. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts. One of the most common same-type pairs, double Nine couples are invariably quiet, gentle, supportive of each other and of those around them, comfortable to be around and hospitable to others. They are easy-going and do not let the minor irritations of life or of the relationship get to them easily. They tend to look positively on their life circumstances, whatever they are, making the most of whatever they have. They are patient with each other and give the other partner the benefit of the doubt, quick to forgive if there have been spats or conflicts, generous and steady in their emotions and habits. They give each other lots of space, undemanding, non-judgmental attention, and a good deal of affection. Both feel that the other is a kindred spirit who can be curious and adventuresome, although not too much so.
    • Little deeply rocks, or even threatens, the world of a double Nine couple. They are typically people who enjoy regularity and predictability, the pleasure of the familiar and the tried and true. For example, most double Nine couples tend to go to the same restaurant or to the same vacation spot over and over again once they have found something they like. While being friendly and approachable, they are also surprisingly domestic and protective of their family and their private world. This pair wants to create and maintain a safe haven from life's ups and downs. Importantly, both feel unpressured by their relationship. The lack of pressure and stress in their ordinary interactions is one of the main attractions to this relationship. Neither one wants to feel put upon—they both want to take life at their own pace. Mellowness (with a certain feistiness and zippiness, depending on the instinctual pattern) is the hallmark.
  • 254. NINE – NINE (cont)
    • Potential Trouble Spots or Issues
    • The very steadiness and regularity of a double Nine couple is also part of what could be their Achilles' heel: the fear of rocking the boat or of allowing anything to intrude on the peace and harmony of their world. They can seem to be friendly but get stuck in doldrums, gradually dropping social connections. The outside world, other people, even family members, can be subtly resisted or neglected in various ways if the Nine couple feels sufficiently threatened in some way. Double Nine couples can be so bound to their desire for harmony that they also find it difficult to raise important issues to the other. They might well love each other, but very little real communication begins to take place. Most of it is non-verbal or worse, exists only in their imaginations.
    • In fact, as Nines deteriorate, they idealize the other but do not really relate to the other as he or she is. Most of the relationship occurs in their imagination of the other rather than from begin in contact with the real person. Much is not expressed, and they can get into deadening routines that hard difficult to break. They tend to avoid conflict by not bringing up threatening topics, leading to a build up of old tensions and resentments. Passive-aggressive behavior, worrying, blaming, and bubbling anxieties can start to undermine the relationship if they continue to avoid speaking about how they really feel. Outwardly, they may seem like a great, natural match, giving each other lots of space and seeming to have an unusual ability to get along with each other. But they can actually be suppressive of each other in subtle ways, leading to a gradual deadening of vitality, a lack of ambition, and a masked depression with nothing in particular standing out as an obvious cause. Often double Nine couples find a way to coexist in a mutual non-aggression pact that allows them to leave each other alone. However, the joy and excitement will have long evaporated from the relationship as the couple settles into more and more deeply entrenched routines and avoidances.
  • 255. APPLICATIONS
  • 256. Enterprise Operation
    • ONE: ethical standards & quality control
    • TWO: ability to serve people and anticipate their needs
    • THREE: promotional & communication skills
    • FOUR: sensitivity to product’s emotional impact on individuals
    • FIVE: technical expertise & innovative ideas
    • SIX: teamwork & self-regulating feedback
    • SEVEN: energy & optimism
    • EIGHT: vision & confidence
    • NINE: ability to bring people together and listen to them
  • 257. MISCELLANEOUS
  • 258. Some countries
    • England: 1,5,6
    • United States: 3,6,7
    • France: 3,4,7
    • China:3,8,9
    • Japan:6,4,5
    • Germany:6,5,8
    • Russia:6,8,4
    • Italy:8,2,7
  • 259. Symbols
  • 260. In Japanese
  • 261. References
    • Karen Webb, The Enneagram , Thorsons
    • Helen Palmer, The Enneagram in Love & Work ,
    • Asian Institute of Management Lectures
    • Mary R. Bast, Breakthroughs with the Enneagram , http://www.breakoutofthebox.com/ldrho.htm
  • 262. Bibliography
    • http://www.enneagraminstitute.com
    • http://www.9types.com
    • http://www.enneagramcentral.com/eenstudy.htm
  • 263. THANK YOU!