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The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover
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The Poor Man's Guide To A Garden Makeover

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A reflection on a back garden makeover project. …

A reflection on a back garden makeover project.
Please ignore the chickens! Although the chickens play a star role in the original PPS, the lack of sound and animation here makes their inclusion somewhat strange and superfluous.

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  • 1. THE POOR MAN’S GUIDE TO A BACK GARDEN MAKEOVER “ The author draws upon his own personal experience to provide a wealth of invaluable tips and insights in the hope that others will not make the same mistakes” The Beano 2006 Turn On Speakers - Hit Spacebar or Left Click Screen To Advance To Each Next Page - Hit Esc Key or Right Click to Finish
  • 2. Intro <ul><li>It’s early spring. The cold damp days of winter are slowly giving way to milder days and it seems that Summer is just around the corner. </li></ul><ul><li>As you sit, sipping a well earned cup of freshly ground coffee, your thoughts wander in contemplation of a new golf season. </li></ul><ul><li>You’ve just finished totally redecorating the house so there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t spend the next six months playing some seriously good golf. You can picture yourself now, booming drives down lush green fairways, peppering the greens with quality shots and sinking birdie putts. </li></ul><ul><li>Surely this year you're going to crack it ? </li></ul>
  • 3. <ul><li>Dream on Sucker! </li></ul><ul><li>She who must be obeyed has been surveying the back garden and her findings don’t bode well. </li></ul><ul><li>“ The borders are a mess” </li></ul><ul><li>“ They're boring, there’s no colour ” </li></ul><ul><li>“ All the shrubs are woody and out </li></ul><ul><li>of control” </li></ul><ul><li>“ Those shrubs that haven’t melded </li></ul><ul><li>into one another to form a hedge </li></ul><ul><li>look like lollipops” </li></ul><ul><li>“ We need to gut them and start again” </li></ul><ul><li>Oh no! This sounds like another PROJECT! </li></ul>Intro
  • 4. <ul><li>The dictionary definition of a PROJECT, is a scheme /design. </li></ul><ul><li>What the dictionary fails to point out is that more often than not, projects are schemes dreamt up by wives and that they are designed to keep husbands off the golf course. </li></ul><ul><li>Projects comprise the following elements : Time, Mess, Inconvenience, Frustration, Hard Work & EXPENSE </li></ul><ul><li>The extent of each of these elements will vary according to, the nature of the project, your inclination and ability to DIY, whether or not you are fully retired with no hobbies and no social life and of course the size of your bank balance. </li></ul><ul><li>As a rule of thumb the extent of each of the other elements is inversely proportional to expense. In other words anything that makes it easier for you, costs you more! </li></ul>Projects
  • 5. <ul><li>If you have just won the lottery, you will be able to employ a wiz of a project manager to assemble a super efficient team of professional tradesmen. They will then complete the project to exacting standards while you holiday in the Caribbean. </li></ul><ul><li>Get real! You will need to do most of the work yourself. </li></ul><ul><li>Get real, recognise your DIY limitations. It may be cheaper to employ a tradesman before not after you cock it up. </li></ul><ul><li>Get real, recognise that reliable tradesmen are as rare as hen’s teeth and that not all cowboys wear Stetsons. </li></ul><ul><li>Many experts say that without proper control the final cost of a project can be 2 x the original estimate. </li></ul><ul><li>Get real! The final cost will be more like the original estimate x the original estimate ! </li></ul>Get Real
  • 6. <ul><li>Here is a real example of rampant project escalation. </li></ul><ul><li>Wife says : Net Result: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ We need to gut them and start again” New borders – original project “Next door’s shed is an eyesore” New fence our side “Now the other fence looks shabby” New fence neighbours side “Our shed is an eyesore” New shed “The borders are poorly defined” New brick edgings </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>“ I want to get rid of the path” Partially re-turf lawn </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>“ I think I fancy a conservatory” New conservatory on brick base “It’ll be nice to sit in in Summer” Include furniture blinds and fan “It'll be nice to sit in in Winter” Include central heating “We’ll need a new patio” New patio Fully re-turf lawn </li></ul></ul><ul><li>DIVORCE could well be a cheaper option! </li></ul>Beware Escalation £ £ £
  • 7. Hints on hiring <ul><li>Try reducing costs by hiring younger labour. </li></ul><ul><li>On a good day, their enthusiasm can out-way their lack of skill and experience. </li></ul><ul><li>If you have to hire specialised plant, shop around for a good deal </li></ul>
  • 8. Hiring Specialists <ul><li>A Conservatory is normally erected on dwarf walls. </li></ul><ul><li>These walls get their name from the little people who build them and providing the structure doesn’t exceed a maximum of twelve courses high, you will find that Dwarfs make excellent builders. </li></ul><ul><li>With their low centre of gravity and great strength to height ratio, dwarfs are very effective at pushing heavy wheelbarrows. </li></ul><ul><li>They are also ideally suited to digging trenches for footings, but be warned, you can end up with big problems if the depth of the trench exceeds the height of the Dwarf. </li></ul>
  • 9. Hiring Specialists <ul><li>Don’t let the Dwarf off site until everything has been completed. </li></ul><ul><li>If the Dwarf starts a new job it can be extremely difficult to get him to come back and finish off little things such as pointing the patio. </li></ul><ul><li>Be warned. Once the pantomime season starts you will have no chance! </li></ul>
  • 10. Hints on firing <ul><li>Where possible try to take photographs of any breaches of contract, such as failure to turn up for work or the taking of unauthorised tea breaks. </li></ul><ul><li>Such evidence can prove invaluable in the event of a claim for unfair dismissal. </li></ul><ul><li>Try to avoid employing family at all costs. </li></ul>
  • 11. Border Design <ul><li>Border design involves little or no hard work and is classed as an artistic element of the project. As such, this will be undertaken by the Wife, who will give very careful consideration as to the shape and size of your new borders. </li></ul><ul><li>She will determine that curved borders are preferable, as they are very pleasing to the eye and will look to incorporate them in her design. </li></ul><ul><li>Wife will experiment. She will use a garden hose to mark out a potential shape then she will request that you to stop whatever it is you are doing and join her to view the result from an upstairs window. This process will be repeated, up to twenty times a day, in pursuit of a design that is more acceptable than the one she decided to accept the day before. </li></ul><ul><li>After five or six days…… Wife will decide on straight borders! </li></ul>
  • 12. Border Design <ul><li>Borders should be of sufficient depth to allow planting that will give the garden form and interest. They should not however, be so deep that Wife is unable to cope with the work involved in their upkeep. </li></ul><ul><li>Wife being totally devoid of imagination, will take a collection of everyday items of varying shapes and sizes and repeatedly arrange and rearrange them so as to simulate potential planting schemes until a decision on border depth is made. </li></ul><ul><li>This method is a derivative of the little known DIY technique of ‘Jack Boarding’, developed by R.J. ‘Jack’ Cordery in the 1900’s. </li></ul><ul><li>In the context of garden design it is known as ‘Jack Bordering ’. </li></ul><ul><li>As with the hose technique for shape it can be a lengthy process. </li></ul>
  • 13. Planting <ul><li>Before planting the borders, Wife will need to do a lot of research. </li></ul><ul><li>Even if you live within 50 yards of the local library, she will still need to purchase at least a dozen brand new gardening books. </li></ul><ul><li>These books are to be read endlessly, from cover to cover, in order to determine what plants suit what growing conditions and thereby to compile a definitive plant shopping list. </li></ul><ul><li>The purpose of this list is to prevent you from going to garden centres and making unsuitable impulse purchases. (Oh no it won’t!) </li></ul><ul><li>The fact that all garden centres are essentially the same will not prevent Wife from wanting to travel vast distances in a fruitless quest to find one that may have something different to the others. </li></ul><ul><li>Reckon on about 20/25 visits to garden centres and make sure that your budget includes for petrol, coffees and lunches out. </li></ul>
  • 14. Planting <ul><li>Don’t let Wife become disheartened if the garden centres don’t stock the particular varieties of plant that she has decided upon. Take her for another coffee to cheer her up. </li></ul><ul><li>You will find that garden centre staff are very knowledgeable and helpful. </li></ul><ul><li>Although Wife will have done her research, don’t forget to ask important additional questions such as “ how many times can this be planted, dug up and replanted elsewhere, before it decides to die?” </li></ul><ul><li>Eventually, despite all the odds, your borders will start to take on a whole new look. </li></ul>
  • 15. Focal Point <ul><li>Every good garden design should incorporate a focal point, a point of interest. This can take many forms, such as a water feature, an arbour or maybe even a bench seat. </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t be afraid to choose something a little bit unusual but don’t expect everyone else to share your taste. </li></ul><ul><li>While some people will genuinely admire it, others will think it’s a total waste of money that should have been left on the beach, somewhere in Asia. </li></ul><ul><li>Pigeons however will just be happy to use it as a toilet! </li></ul>
  • 16. On Reflection <ul><li>Regret not realising that the conservatory is south facing and that with or without global warming it is far too hot to sit in during the Summer. </li></ul><ul><li>Regret that recent increases in fuel prices make it far too expensive to heat so it will be far too cold to sit in during the Winter. </li></ul><ul><li>Regret not having taken the opportunity to bury Wife under the patio! </li></ul>
  • 17. Outro <ul><li>It’s early autumn. The hot dry days of summer are slowly giving way to colder wetter days and it seems that bankruptcy is just around the corner. </li></ul><ul><li>As you sit in your new conservatory, sobbing into a cup of cheap instant coffee, your thoughts wander in contemplation of suicide. </li></ul><ul><li>You’ve just finished totally revamping the back garden, your back is killing you and unless this book sells well there’s barely enough money left for food, let alone a chiropractor’s bill. </li></ul><ul><li>Surely things can’t get any worse ? </li></ul>
  • 18. Outro <ul><li>Dream on sucker! </li></ul><ul><li>She who must be obeyed has been surveying the property pages and her findings don’t bode well. </li></ul><ul><li>“ I fancy moving to a bungalow” </li></ul>AAAAAGH! Click Screen or Hit Spacebar To Advance To Next Page
  • 19. THE END Click Screen or Hit Spacebar To Finish

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