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A Brief History of Twinkies• Some would say that twinkies were created by James Dewar, a baker for the Continental Baking Company in Schiller Park, Illinois in 1930. Those people are dead wrong and idiots. (Pictured to the left: Willy Wonka’s cute lil’ sweatshop.)
• Twinkies were actually invented in Japan, when a giant, nuclear-powered monster was rampaging though the city like every other Tuesday, and that said monster tripped, pouring nuclear waste onto a couch in the street. + + = Thus, the Twinkie was born.
• Since Japanese has such an awesome marketing strategy, they quickly found a use for the nuclear-converted couch, and started to market it as a house insulator, and even made a cute character for it, because hey, that’s what they do.They decided to brand this junk the name “twinkie”, which literally means “mold house foam” in Japanese. Don’t believe me? Here’s a dictionary. Look it up. (Pictured to the left: Ownage)
• However, due to a translating error on the marketing department’s part, when “Twinkie house foam” came to America, it was misbranded from “House insulator” to a “food”.(If you read the label closely enough on one of these things, it actually reads, “NOT MANUFRACTURED FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION).Don’t get too ‘up in arms’ about this though, it’s not the first time this happened in America. Pikachu was supposed to brainwash our children into becoming slaves. Now he’s loved by millions.
In the end, Twinkies became a beloved food that was enjoyed by billions. And I guess that’s all that really matters. Making people happy. Let’s not mention all the Health Fitness centers and Gyms made equally happy because of all the obesity and heart problems.But now, it seems as if the glorious age of Twinkies has come to a close. But it’s not the end of the world, right?
WRONG.Of course, it all makes sense now! Twinkies are the only know substance besides cockroaches and Nokia phones that have been known to survive a nuclear fallout! And since the cockroaches will be radioactive and you’ll break your jaw trying to eat a Nokia, what would there be left to enjoy?!?Besides, if 2012 ends with a Zombie apocalypse, what’s going to give that guy from Zombieland a reason to live?
• But in the case 2012 DOESN’T happen, I guess it’s really not the end of the world. Let’s just hope that twinkie-The-Kid doesn’t get too angry and go “Stay-Puff Marshmellow man” on us. (Pictured: Must be Tuesday in Japan again…)