Family Matters

Family Matters
Making the Case for Advocacy
for Children of Divorce

Question
?

Divorce is a risk factor, BUT…

Two Reactions
“Divorce is a normal part of growing up
today. Kids bounce back.”
“I feel so bad for these kids, but there’s nothing I can do to help them.”

The Kids Aren’t Fine.Let’s look at what happens after divorce.

Children of Divorce exhibit…
a higher divorce rate
lower marriage rate
more learning difficulties
poorer social skills
earlier sexual activity
poorer conflict-resolution skills
increased gang involvement
more insecurity, anxiety, and depression
as compared to children with married parents and their own pre-divorce performance.

Behavioral StatisticsFor Children of Divorce
Have grades that are 20% lower
Are nearly twice as likely to be sexually abused
Are 70% more likely to be expelled/ suspended from school
(as compared to their peers living with their married parents)
One in 3 drop out of high school.

Behavioral StatisticsChildren from Nontraditional Families
75% of teen pregnancies
75% of children/adolescents in chemical dependency hospitals
1 out of 5 children have a learning, emotional, or behavioral problem due to the family system changing.
More than one half of all youths incarcerated for criminal acts

Behavioral Statistics (continued)
Multiple risk factors
Nine million American children face risk factors that may hinder their ability to become healthy and productive adults. One in seven children deal with at least four of the risk factors, which include growing up in a single-parent household...The survey also indicated that children confronting several risk factors are more likely to experience problems with concentration, communication, and health.
63% of suicides

The Children Say…
“It’s not true!”
“If I only I was good…”
“I’m so worried.”
“What’s going to happen to me?”
“How will other people treat me now?”
“I’m not too young to miss my daddy.”

The Children Say…(continued)
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to act.”
“If you tell me what’s happening, I won’t be so upset.”
“I feel terrible and I want to talk about it, but I’m scared to bring it up.”
“I say everything’s fine, but it’s really not.”

My Story
My parents’ divorce
Sara
Jade
Me
My work with children
YMCA camp counselor, Jr. Leaders Club, and cheerleading coach
After-school drama and music program
Public schools – speaker, tutor
My goal: to be a role model and supporter

We’re Not Alone
Family troubles affect students across all classes, all social barriers
Oswego Middle School – Summer school
Sally asked, “Can you keep a secret?”
Eugene Field Elementary in 2004
Over one million American children experience the divorce of their parents every year.
Oklahoma has the second highest divorce rate in the nation.

The impact of divorce on children can be devastating.
Why?
We fail to acknowledge this social problem and address it.

We can help.

Helping Strategies for Adults
Educate yourself.

Three Year Adjustment Period
The Parent May/Must…
Redefine self
Find outside emotional support
Adjust
Move?
Work & provide income
Assume single parent role
Juggle many needs, some conflicting
Be a parent
The Child May/Must…
Redefine family
Grieve
Adjust
Need security
Reassume role of a child
Move?
Adjust to change in parenting
Continue status quo at school
Be normal/adjusted and nice
Gain independence

Out of sync stages and needs

Out of sync stages (continued)

Child’s View of Death vs. Divorce
Similarities
Sadness
Anger
Blame
Memories revered
Guilt
Parent dating
Family life different
Economic instability
Fear of losing other parent
Regrets
Changes in lifestyle
Future unknown
Differences
Physical death vs. no body
Public acknowledgement vs. no public acknowledgement
Death only
Part of life cycle
Will never see person again
Divorce
Embarrassment
Caught in the middle
Bitterness
Ongoing conflict
Hope of reconciliation

Helping Strategies for Adults
Educate yourself.
Meet the child’s needs.
Security & stability
Emotional support & guidance
Examples & information
Healthy relationships
Good communication & conflict resolution skills
Healthy coping skills

The Child Needs…
An explanation for the divorce.
Awareness of upcoming changes.
Reassurance of parental love, concern & support.
Permission to express sadness, anger, and grief.
Coping strategies for dealing with sadness, anger, and grief.
Permission to focus on age appropriate activities.
Freedom from parental conflict.
Freedom from pressure to take sides.
Permission to love both parents.
Examples & knowledge of healthy relationships.

We can help!
As parents
As individuals
Including teachers, child care providers, coaches, youth ministers, etc.
As a community
Blended Love’s programming
Calm Waters
Rainbows
And many other programs.

Conclusion
Children of divorce are not fine. They need our attention.
They are not doomed, but they do need our support.
Educate yourself.
Become a volunteer or mentor.
Request programming for your school.

Family Matters

by SashaMTownsend on Feb 20, 2010

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