Parents Teen Relationships Survival Guide PeopleNology
How can you tell if your teen's behavior is a problem?
Could it be just 'normal teenage rebellion'?
Is it a behavioral disorder such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), a
pattern of negative, defiant and disobedient behavior, or Conduct Disorder,
where your child repeatedly and persistently violates rules and the rights of
others without concern or empathy?
PeopleNology
Gregory Bodenhamer
Perhaps the most important question of all
for parents to consider is,
How much distress, disruption, and heartache are your child's problems
causing?
How are your child's problems affecting the family, your marriage, you, the
child himself/herself?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, Fourth
Edition, Text Revision of the American Psychiatric Association defines
oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) as a recurrent pattern of negativistic,
defiant, disobedient, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that
persists for at least 6 months.
Behaviors included in the definition are the following:
losing one’s temper
arguing with adults
actively defying requests
refusing to follow rules
deliberately annoying other people
blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior
being touchy, easily annoyed or angered, resentful, spiteful, or vindictive.
ODD is usually diagnosed when a child has a persistent or consistent pattern
of disobedience and hostility toward parents, teachers, or other adults. The
primary behavioral difficulty is the consistent pattern of refusing to follow
commands or requests by adults.
Children with ODD often are
stubborn
test limits and push boundaries

easily annoyed
lose their temper
argue with adults
refuse to comply with rules and directions
blame others for their mistakes.
The criteria for ODD are met only when the problem behaviors occur more
frequently in the child than in other children of the same age and
developmental level. These behaviors cause significant difficulties with
family and friends, and the oppositional behaviors are the same both at home
and in school. Sometimes, ODD may be a precursor of a conduct disorder.
Risk factors for teen behavior problems include:
Family conflict
Academic failure in elementary school
Friends who engage in alcohol and drug use, delinquent behavior, violence,
or other problem behaviors
Peer rejection
Family history of a problem behavior
Favorable parental attitudes to problem behavior
Witnessing family violence
Family instability, including economic stress, parental mental illness, harshly
punitive behaviors, inconsistent parenting practices, multiple moves, and
divorce may also contribute to the development of oppositional and defiant
behaviors.
ODD is not diagnosed if the problematic behaviors occur exclusively with a
mood or psychotic disorder
The following interventions have been used to help replace defiant,
oppositional behavior with responsible behavior:
Family and individual counseling to determine underlying issues and learn
strategies for behavior change.
Parenting support groups to help guide and empower parents.
Parenting classes to help learn ways of providing consistency, structure, and
a positive, less stressful home environment.
A strong and positive working relationship between parents and teachers.
In addition, the following parenting strategies are helpful:
Listening to your teen. Listening and valuing adolescent ideas is what
promotes the ability of parents to effectively communicate with them. Most
parents do not listen well because they are too busy -- with work,
community, church, and home responsibilities. Listening to a teen does not
mean giving advice and attempting to correct the situation.

Talking about morals and ethical behavior. Passing along a strong sense of
values is one of the fundamental tasks of being a parent. Parents need to talk
to their children about what is right and wrong and about appropriate and
inappropriate behavior.
Dealing with what is important. Don't make a fuss about issues that are
reversible or don't directly threaten your child's or another person's safety.
These issues include unwashed hair, a messy room, torn jeans, etc. Save
your thunder for more important concerns. Safety is a non-negotiable issue.
Safety rules need to be stated clearly and enforced consistently.
Being consistent and holding your ground. There will be times when
adolescents won't like what you say or will act as though they don't like you.
Being your teen's friend should not be your primary role during this time of
their lives. It's important to resist the urge to win their favor or try too hard
to please them.
Avoiding arguments. Arguing only fuels hostility and it doesn't get you
heard. Don't feel obliged to judge everything your teen says. Retain the
mutual right to disagree. Never try to reason with someone who is upset -- it
is futile. Wait until tempers have cooled off before trying to sort out a
disagreement. Don't try to talk teens out of their feelings. You can
acknowledge someone's reaction without condoning it. This type of response
often defuses anger
The change from child to adult is an especially dangerous time for
adolescents in our society. From their earliest years, children watch
television shows and movies that insist that \"sex appeal\" is a personal quality
that people need to develop to the fullest. Teenagers are at risk -- not only
from AIDS and STDs -- but from this sort of mass-market encouragement.
Sexual content is regularly marketed to younger children, pre-teens, and
teens and this affects young people's sexual activity and beliefs about sex.
According to the fact sheet, Marketing Sex to Children, from the Campaign
for a Commercial-Free Childhood, children are bombarded with sexual
content and messages:
In 2003, 83% of the episodes of the top 20 shows among teen viewers
contained some sexual content, including 20% with sexual intercourse
42% of the songs on the top CDs in 1999 contained sexual content -- 19%
included direct descriptions of sexual intercourse
On average, music videos contain 93 sexual situations per hour, including
eleven \"hard core\" scenes depicting behaviors such as intercourse and oral
sex
Girls who watched more than 14 hours of rap music videos per week were

more likely to have multiple sex partners and to be diagnosed with a
sexually transmitted disease
Before parents raised an outcry, Abercrombie and Fitch marketed a line of
thong underpants decorated with sexually provocative phrases such as
\"Wink Wink\" and \"Eye Candy\" to 10-year-olds
Neilson estimates that 6.6 million children ages 2-11 and 7.3 million teens
ages 12-17 watched Justin Timberlake rip open Janet Jackson's bodice
during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.
TV, movies, and music are not the only influences -- the Internet provides
teens with seemingly unlimited access to information on sex as well as a
steady supply of people willing to talk about sex with them. Teens may feel
safe because they can remain anonymous while looking for information on
sex. Sexual predators know this and manipulate young people into online
relationships and, later, set up a time and place to meet.
Teens don't need a sexual predator to introduce them to online pornography.
It comes to them through porn spam on their e-mail or by inadvertently
clicking on a link to a porn site. Through pornography, young people get a
twisted view of what constitutes normal relationships. In fact, pornography
is directly related to sexual abuse, rape, and sexual violence.
Just as sexual preferences are learned behavior, most or all sexual deviations
are learned behaviors, with pornography having the power of conditioning
into sexual deviancy. Pornography can be addictive, with the individual
becoming desensitized to 'soft' porn and moving on to dangerous images of
bondage, rape, sadomasochism, torture, group sex and violence.
At the very least, addiction to pornography destroys relationships by
dehumanizing the individual and reducing the capacity to love. At worst,
some addicts begin to act out their fantasies by victimizing others, including
children and animals.
Teens also have their own cultural beliefs about what is normal sexual
behavior. Although most teenage girls believe that sex equals love, other
teens -- especially boys -- believe that sex is not the ultimate expression of
the ultimate commitment, but a casual activity and minimize risks or serious
consequences. That is, of course, what they see on TV. The infrequent
portrayals of sexual risks on TV, such as disease and pregnancy, trivialize the
importance of sexual responsibility.
Other misconceptions include:
all teens are having sex
having sex makes you an adult
something is wrong with an older teen (17-19) who is not having sex

a girl can't get pregnant if she's menstruating
a girl can't get pregnant if it's her first time
you are a virgin as long as you don't have sexual intercourse -- oral sex
doesn't count
Clearly, parents are in a tough spot. But there are some key ideas that help
make sense of things.
Teenagers should learn the facts about human reproduction, contraception,
and sexually transmitted diseases. Of the over 60 million people who have
been infected with HIV in the past 20 years, about half became infected
between the ages of 15 and 24. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention (CDC), about 25% of sexually active teenagers get a
sexually transmitted disease (STD) every year, and 80% of infected teens
don’t even know they have an STD, passing the diseases along to
unsuspecting partners. When it comes to AIDS, the data is even more
chilling -- of the new HIV infections each year, about 50% occur in people
under the age of 25.
Young people need to know that teens who are sexually active and do not
consistently use contraceptives will usually become pregnant and have to
face potentially life-altering decisions about resolving their pregnancy
through abortion, adoption, or parenthood.
Health classes and sex education programs in the schools typically present
information about the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy risk,
and contraception. However, evidence shows that traditional sex education,
as it has been offered in the United States, increases sexual knowledge, but
has little or no effect on whether or not teens initiate sex or use
contraception.
Parents, too, need to know important information, such as the younger the
age of first sexual intercourse, the more likely that the experience was
coercive, and that forced sexual intercourse is related to long-lasting
negative effects.
The following is all related to
later onset of sexual intercourse:
Having better educated parents
Supportive family relationships
Parental supervision
Sexually abstinent friends
Good school grades
Attending church frequently
The challenge for any person is to make sense of facts in ways that are

meaningful in life -- in ways that help them think and make wise choices.
Schoolroom lessons leave much to be desired in this regard.
Commitments and values differ so widely in society that schools cannot be
very thorough or consistent in their treatment of moral issues. According to a
growing body of research, parents and religious beliefs are a potent one-two
combination when it comes to influencing a teen’s decisions about whether
or not to have sex. Parents can best keep their teens
from becoming sexually active by:
maintaining a warm and loving relationship with their children
letting teens know that they are expected to abstain from sex until marriage
(Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health,
Family Planning Perspectives, Alan Guttmacher Institute)
Parents who are involved in their children's lives, and who confidently
transmit their religious and moral values to their children, have the greatest
success in preventing risky and immoral behavior.
For this reason, it is more important for teenagers to see real-life examples of
people who understand and deal responsibly with their sexual natures.
Morals are not abstractions. Morals have to do with real-life commitments to
people and things that have value. Parents and other influential adults (at
school, at church, and in the community) need to show teenagers the
difference between devotion and infatuation and help them make the
distinction in their own hearts.
Teenagers need to understand that satisfying sexual relationships -- like
other relationships -- require careful thought and wise action.
Behaviour & Development
Expressing AffectionDespite their grimaces, teens still need parental
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When Your Child is a BullyHow to handle accusations — and the behaviour
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ShopliftingNearly a third of teens admit to stealing from stores or their
parents
Drawn to the Dark SideWhat's the appeal of the \"bad\" kid — and what can
parents do about it?
20 Ways to Connect with Your TeenHint: It's the little moments, not the big

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Ready or Not?Is your child ready for more independence? Here's help to
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Your Top 10 Discipline Questions Answered!The pros take on your most
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Tall GirlsBeing above-average height can make girls self-conscious
A Clash of StylesJust when many teens are itching for more autonomy and
human contact, high school gives them less of both. Here's how to help
Bully For You...isn't necessarily a bully for me. The term gets thrown around
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\"I'll Do It Later\"Tips and tricks for dealing with a procrastinating preteen
Know Your Place: Birth OrderHow birth order impacts your child's
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Wait A Minute: Learning PatienceCan children learn to be patient in an
impatient world?
When Mom or Dad RemarriesHow to help your child navigate your nuptials
Teen Discipline Tool KitParental essentials for life with big kids
Period ProblemsTips to help your daughter deal with her \"time of the
month\"
It's all in the GameA therapist uses play to help troubled kids
Simply FunThe importance of play
Dangerous LiaisonsSexual harassment is flourishing in schools across the
country and many preteens and teens are suffering in silence
The High-Need Baby Grows UpWhat happens — and how to help — as
your intense newborn gets older
Spot TreatmentA guide to dealing with pesky pubescent pimples
Giving Up SportsHow your child can stay physically active when her
interest in sports has waned
Gimme! Gimme!Should greedy kids ever get?
Career CounselShould children as young as 11 be forced to choose a
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Hanging at HomeWhy your big kids need you around
Cheating on TestsWhy kids cheat and how to prevent it
The Metallica EffectHow music brought more harmony to a family dealing
with FASD
A new review of adolescent brain research suggests that society is wasting
billions of dollars on education and intervention programs to dissuade teens

from dangerous activities, because their immature brains are not yet capable
of avoiding risky behaviors.
The analysis, by Temple University psychologist Laurence Steinberg, says
stricter laws and policies limiting their behaviors would be more effective
than education programs.
\"We need to rethink our whole approach to preventing teen risk,\" says
Steinberg, whose review of a decade of research is in the April issue of
Current Directions in Psychological Science. It's published by the
Association for Psychological Science.
\"Adolescents are at an age where they do not have full capacity to control
themselves,\" he says. \"As adults, we need to do some of the controlling.\"
After age 18
Neurological researchers around the country, spearheaded by Jay Giedd of
the National Institute of Mental Health, have in recent years found that the
brain is not fully developed until after 18. The brain system that regulates
logic and reasoning develops before the area that regulates impulse and
emotions, the researchers say.
Studies by Steinberg and others have found that the mere physical presence
of peers increased the likelihood of teens taking risks.
Peer pressure rules
Now he's using brain imaging to better understand why teens are so
susceptible to peer pressure. He has just begun pilot projects to study brain
activity in teens when doing various tasks with their peers, compared with
adults under similar circumstances.
Steinberg believes raising the driving age, increasing the price of cigarettes
and more strongly enforcing underage drinking laws are among ways to
really curb risky behavior.
\"I don't believe the problem behind teen risky behavior is a lack of
knowledge. The programs do a good job in teaching kids the facts,\" he says.
\"Education alone doesn't work. It doesn't seem to affect their behavior.\"
Michael Bradley, a Philadelphia-area psychologist and author specializing in
teenagers, says U.S. culture tends to view teens as small adults when,
neurologically, they are large children.
\"Kids will sign drug pledges. They really mean that, but when they get in a
park on a Friday night with their friends, that pledge is nowhere to be found
in their brain structure. They're missing the neurologic brakes that adults
have.\"
Bradley also is worried about the future now that risky behaviors have
trickled to the preteen set.

\"People look at risk statistics, and they're more or less steady. It looks like
things aren't getting that bad. But risk behaviors have been ratcheted down to
younger and younger ages,\" he says. \"What the parents may have dealt with
at ages 16 and 17, the kids are dealing with at 11, 12 and 13 — at the time
when their brains are least able to handle complex decisions about risk
behaviors.\"
Why not both?
Such policy talk — even from psychologists — sparks a useful conversation,
says Isabel Sawhill, co-director of the Center on Children and Families at the
Washington-based Brookings Institution.
\"It is good research for policymakers to consider, but we shouldn't infer from
this research that all our past efforts have been ineffective,\" she says. \"I'm
not in favor of just doing education, but I'm also not in favor of not doing it,
either. We need to do some of both.\"
Experts such as Sawhill and Caterina Roman, a senior research associate at
the Washington-based Urban Institute, say some educational programs do
work. But the widely popular Drug Abuse Resistance Education program
known as DARE, launched in the 1980s, was determined to be ineffective.
Roman believes that recent findings that the teen brain is not yet fully
developed will spawn some of the restrictions Steinberg recommends.
\"Ten years from now, the driving age will be higher than it is now. The price
of cigarettes will increase,\" she predicts.
Steinberg says he's not advocating a police state. But he says parents must
help their children make wise decisions.
\"We've given them too much freedom,\" he says. \"We don't monitor and
supervise them carefully enough.\"
Is your teen breaking all the rules? Then you may want to consider writing a
contract with your teen.
Setting limits for teens can be a tricky business. After all, a teenager is on the
verge of adulthood and preparing for life on his own, and that means a teen
may not be too interested in pleasing his parents. Still studies tell us, time
and time again, that teens need and want limits because they aren't yet fully
capable of making good decisions in every aspect of their lives. If you and
your teen are having difficulty with a few ground rules, then it may be time
to sit down together to negotiate limits and expectations. You may even want
to lay these rules out on paper in the form of a contract. Pediatrician Dr.
Kathryn Leonard says \"many families with teenagers find it useful to sit
down and draw up a contract with their teenagers. The contract should
include really basic and important rules to provide for the safety of the

teenager and the well being of the family and it should state clear
consequences for any broken rules.\" Pat Roberto with Covenant House
elaborates on how to draw up a contract between a parent and teen. \"If I'm
negotiating or contracting with a teen in a parenting role, we're going look at
what's involved with our relationship, with our living situation. It's, 'Yes, I as
a parent have to provide for you, and I want to do that, however, you have to
have certain responsibilities as well. Your responsibility may be just cleaning
your room every day, and making your bed, and that's a fair balance, because
that's all I'm asking of you.' And so, it's the parents, and the kid sitting down
together, and saying, 'What do we need from each other.'\" If the contract you
and your teen have produced falls apart, then Roberto suggest having a heart
to heart with your teen. \"The first step to take as a parent is to sit down with
the kid, and say, 'I have a feeling here that you don't seem to be happy, that
things don't seem to be working out. I'm here sitting with you because I love
you, and I know that you're not happy, so trust me, I'm your mother, I'm your
father, work with me on this.' And not just, 'Smarten up.'\" Rules help keep
our children safe. Negotiating those rules shows respect for our teens and
helps them learn about making decisions on their own. The discussions we
have with them can teach our teens a lot about looking ahead at the
consequences of their actions and how to make good decisions. And it tells
them not only that we value their opinions, but that we're still their parents
and we love them enough to have rules and expectations that help keep them
safe.
»
Troubled Teen Programs
Programs for Troubled Teens
Components of Effective Youth Programs
Juvenile and Teen Boot Camps?
Boarding Schools
»
Teen Drug Abuse
Teen Drug Use / Abuse
Teen Alcohol Use
What is Marijuana?
What is Ecstasy?
Anabolic Steroids
This is Your Brain on Drugs
Nicotine and Teens
What is Prescription Drug Abuse

Teen Over-the-Counter Medication Abuse
Teens and Date Rape Drugs
»
Troubled Teen Issues
Teen Smoking
Youth Violence
Teen Shoplifting
School Bullying
Teen Suicide : Statistics and Prevention
Teen Depression
Teen Pregnancy Prevention
Teen Pregnancy Statistics
Teen Eating Disorders
Anorexic Teens
Teen Bulimia
Teen Obesity Statistics
Teen Stress
Teen Anxiety
Abusive Teen Relationships and Teen Dating Violence
Teen Self-Injury, Self-Mutilation and Cutting
Teen Violence and Homicide
Teen Date Rape