The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s w w w.Riverho DIRECTING COOPERATING COMPROMISING AVOIDING HARMONIZING
MATTERSThe Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory By Ron Kraybill, PhDContentsIntroduction..................................................... ........ 2Instructions ............................................................. 3Tally Sheet .............................................................. 7Guidelines for Interpreting Your Scores................. 8Diagram of the Five Styles.....................................11U. nderstanding.the.Conflict.Styles..........................12.C. hoosing.Responses.to.Conflict............................15Strategies for Working with Styles of Others..........17S. uggestions.for.Reflection.and.Discussion............20Notes and Acknowledgements...............................22
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 1 Ordering Information About the Author Style Matters is available printed in full color Ron. Kraybill. has. been. a. leader. in. the. field. of. throughout or in black and white text with conflict.resolution.and.peacebuilding.since.1979.. . color cover. You can also purchase rights He was founding director of the Mennonite to reproduce at modest cost and print your Conciliation Service, Akron, Pennsylvania, 1979-1988.. . . He. spent. the. years. 1989-1995. own copies. A fully automated web version as Director of Training and head of special with a detailed report tailored to your scores projects.at.the.Centre.for.Conflict.Resolution.in. and features not found in the print versions is Cape Town and as training advisor to the South available online. For all pricing and ordering African National Peace Accord. He was a information,. visit. www.ConflictStyleMatters. professor.in.the.Conflict.Transformation.Program. com...Or.contact.us.by.phone.at.202-580-8656. at. Eastern. Mennonite. University. 1995-2006.. . or email at Center@RiverhouseEpress.com. From. 2007. to. 2009. he. was. an. independent. Leading a Workshop? consultant in Jerusalem, Ramallah, and You can get a free Trainers Guide to Amman...Since.2009.he.has.been.a.Peace.and. Successful Conflict Styles Workshops Development Advisor for the United Nations. from Riverhouse. Send a request to: Other books by Kraybill include: Peace Skills: A Manual for Community Mediators. (Jossey- TrainersGuide@ConflictStyleMatters.com Bass,.2001);.Cool Tools for Hot Topics: Group An. eighteen-page. PDF. document. with. Tools to Facilitate Meetings When Things are clear. step-by-step. instructions. will. be. Hot.(Good.Books,.2007),.and.Restoring Those sent to you immediately by return email. Who Help Others: Spirituality and Self-Care Style Matters Online for Those in Danger of Burnout. (In. press).. The interactive Style Matters Online on the See www.RiverhouseEpress.com for his essays Riverhouse web site offers automated scoring and a blog on peace processes. and features an emailable, four page score report.summarizing.key.findings.for. each user. More Resources on Conflict Styles For.a.large.number.of.essays.on.conflict.styles,. culture.and.conflict,..and.resources.for.trainers,. Copyright.2005.Ron.Kraybill Revised.2008,.2010,.2011 go to the Riverhouse website. On the front ISBN.0-9755071-2-5 page of the site, click on the Resources section Riverhouse ePress, Harrisonburg, VA www.RiverhouseEpress.com in the left menu.
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 2 Introduction We all experience painful differences with With that picture in hand, you can make others as a part of living. Perhaps more than conscious choices in responding to others any other challenge in life, our ability to work when things are tense. You can build on your out differences with others affects our ability to strengths and improve on your weaknesses. live well and be happy. Yet most of us get little You can assess responses of other people and thoughtful guidance from parents and teachers deal more constructively with them. on.how.to.do.this....We.figure.out.a.few.things. by trial and error, but we are often confused and Bear in mind as you answer the questions in the hurt.by.what.happens.in.conflicts... next few pages: -.There.are.no."right".or."wrong".answers. Style Matters: The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory. gives. specific,. practical. help. for. -.No.test.is.perfect,.including.this.one. dealing with differences. In a handful of pages, -.No.one.is."set.in.stone",.including.you. you will get more help than most of us get in a lifetime of learning. This information can help The questions and your scores are only the you understand confusing situations and make beginning of the learning process. Thoughtful a real difference in the quality of relationships in self-reflection. and. conversation. with. others. home, school, work, and community settings. about.what.happens.in.conflict.can.teach.a.great. deal more. Style Matters will help you to do that So.how.do.you.respond.to.conflict?..Most.people. and to think about what really matters: aren’t sure how to answer. It is often easier to describe how others respond than how we ourselves respond. How to respond most constructively to the disagreements. and. conflicts. in. your. life. Style Matters gives you a snapshot of yourself. tomorrow?
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 3 Instructions for Getting Started You can take this inventory in one of two ways. If situations. Instructions A result in a broad sketch of you live and work in a cultural setting known as your behavior in general. Instructions B result in a individualist (also sometimes referred to as “low specific. snapshot of your behavior in one context context” for reasons you can read about in Note 1 only, and you may want to later take the inventory on.page.22),.the.context.in.which.conflict.takes.place. a second or third time with other contexts in mind to is not so important. People in these settings see get snapshots of yourself in several settings. conflict.as.a.matter.between.individuals.that.requires. only moderate awareness of status, roles, community customs, etc. They feel free to respond as they Instruction Set A - General Sketch wish when there is disagreement, no matter who is Think about your typical response when your involved. If this sounds like your life, Instructions A wishes differ with those of another person. Questions will probably work best for you. A-J.deal.with.your.response.to.disagreement.in.the. beginning stages, when you have not yet grown On the other hand, if you live and work in a setting frustrated.or.greatly.upset...Questions.K-T.deal.with. known.as.collectivist.(or.“high.context”),.chances.are. your response after the disagreement has gotten you.have.a.strong.instinct.to.first.examine.the.context stronger. Though there may be exceptions, what of a problem before responding. In such settings, is. typical. for. you?. .Your. “gut-level. response”. to. the. social status, age, roles, and the expectations of question is likely to be the most accurate. For each others have a big voice in deciding responses. question, choose the number between 1 and 7 that Specific.information.about.the.context.must.be.known. best describes what you actually do. before answering questions about “what to do” in conflict......If.this.sounds.like.your.life,.Instructions.B. Instruction Set B - Context-Specific Snapshot may feel more realistic for you, since they guide you Choose a context for answering the questions. to.select.one.specific.conflict.or.kind.of.relationship. Select a person or particular kind of relationship (for and hold it in mind as you take the inventory. example,.co-workers.of.same.status.as.you,.personal. Many people operate in mixed settings so either friends,.a.committee.in.your.religious.community,.etc.). instruction set could work. Welcome to the with whom you have experienced disagreements or complexities of modern living! You can learn more conflict.. . Hold. this. situation. in. your. mind,. or. ones. about the differences between the two modes on similar to it, as you answer the questions. Questions Note 1 on page 22, as well as cultures/regions of A-J.deal.with.disagreements.in.the.beginning.stages,. the world often associated with each. If you are when you have not yet grown frustrated or greatly undecided, we recommend Instructions B. They upset...Questions.K-T.deal.with.your.response.after. work for everyone, regardless of background, so things.have.gotten.more.difficult.....For.each.question,. long as you remember that the picture of yourself choose the number between 1 and 7 that is most they yield at the end cannot be generalized to other accurate in describing what you actually do.
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 4 Calm Settings When I first discover that differences exist and feelings are not yet high. . . A. So long as feelings are still under control, I.push.to.bring.our.differences.out.into.the.open.and.try.to.find.a.solution.that.benefits.both.of.us. atters res of St yle M 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY Fea tu USUALLY If the disagreementarch valida ted. B. - Rese has not escalated to a high level, I focus on achieving what is important to .cultural.than in gs. me rather sett worrying about what’s important to the itable.f or.diverse other person. -.Su .of. s;.n o.purcha6 e s 1 -.Clea r.expla3nation4 2 5 7 RARELY USUALLY d. terials require additional ma group. C.. s.p vided.for. .questionus aro of what we want. ..When.feelings.are.still.low-key,. -.Discussion I look for a compromise that gives each of little 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 work. . RARELY .for.download USUALLY .G uide.available -.Free.Trainers . .available.with e.Version.also D.. .I.try.to.head.off.trouble.before.it.begins.by.steering.away.from.difficult.issues. -.Onlin tailed.5.page. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY automated.s coring.and.de USUALLY . E asy user’s scores score rep ort based on E. In a mild disagreement, ser or trainer. I am likely to go alongailing of report to u wishes in order to keep things peaceful. with the other person’s em 1 2 3 4 ssible. 6 5 7 RARELY -.Pric ed.to.be.acce USUALLY F When I am in a disagreement but my emotions are not yet fully aroused, I give priority to harmony and set aside my personal preferences as necessary to achieve peace. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY G.. ..When.the.disagreement.is.still.low-key, I put as much effort into understanding the other side’s views as I put into explaining my own. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 5 H. If tension is not yet high, I focus more on making sure that my opinions are heard than on keeping the other person happy. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY I. In the early stage when people are not yet upset, . . I.deal.with.differences.by.finding.ways.to.postpone.the.discussion. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY J. When emotions are not yet high, I deal with differences by offering to give up some things in exchange for others. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY Storm Settings If differences persist and feelings escalate, what do you do then? K.. ..If.the.conflict.gets.heated, . . I.make.a.lot.of.effort.to.get.us.to.work.together.in.finding.a.solution.that.we.are.both.happy.with. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY L. As emotions rise, I focus more on my goals and less on how others feel about things. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY M. When feelings escalate in an argument, I seek a solution where both parties win some and lose some. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 6 Storm Settings (cont’d) If differences persist and feelings escalate, what do I do? N. When I am upset in a disagreement, Matte rs? W ho Uses St yle I withdraw from discussion so that neither side gets what they want. kins.Universit y h,.Johns.Hop 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ublic.Healt •.School.of.P RARELY USUALLY niversit y O.. If..the.conflict.gets.too.intense,. ool,.Stanford.U •.Busin ess.Sch I prefer to set aside my needs and let the other person have what xas want rather than threaten Te fety,.State.of. they our relationship. epartmen •.D t.of.Public.Sa 1 2 3 4 e5 6 7 RARELY •.Canadian .Defence.Forc USUALLY ania ure,.Sta te.of.Pennsylv P. When an argument gets ment.of.Agricult really intense, •.Depart I decide that the differences aren’t worth all the ation and drop the discussion. hassle 1 epartment.of. Tra4 sport5 n •.D 2 3 6 7 a lgary RARELY niversity.of.C USUALLY •.Me dical.School,.U Q.. If.the.conflict.gets.intense,. tish.Columbia My attention goes tostice.I nstituget.of.Bri important to me rather than to protecting the •.Ju strategies to te what is ter relationship. •.US.Federa3 l.Judicial.Cen 1 2 4 5 6 7 RARELY •.Statistics.C anada USUALLY sea rch,. alysis.and.Re •.Institute.f or.Conflict.An R. n University When things get heated, I let the other person have their way. 1 George Maso 4 2 3 5 6 7 RARELY USUALLY ss •.AT&T.Wirele S. When an argument gets really Corporation •.Valspar. intense, s, I put a lot of effort into advancing the conversationollegesa way that it ie in such , universitmeets everyone’s goals. und3 ds o4 re f other c 1 Plus h 2 5 6 7 ts, religious RARELY nits, train ers, consultan USUALLY government u e uman resourc T. s and th eir leaders, h congregation When tempers are high, I try to move on by seeking a deal that gives everyone rs. some but not all of what they want. and4team 5 a 6 le de 1 managers, 2 3 7 RARELY USUALLY Now go to the next page and tally your results.
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 7 Style Inventory Tally Sheet When you have answered all the questions, transfer the number you chose for each question to the chart below. For example, on question A, if you circled 1, write 1 on the line beside A in the chart below. When you have transferred all the numbers, add them in each column, A+G, K + S, etc., and enter the total for each column in the gray box. A __ K ___ B ___ __ L C ___ M ___ D ___ N ___ E ___ O ___ G ___ S ___ H ___ Q ___ J ___ T ___ I ___ P ___ F ___ R ___ Calm Storm Calm Storm Calm Storm Calm Storm Calm Storm Cooperating Directing Compromising Avoiding Harmonizing Now tranfer your score totals from the gray box above and the style names they are with to the columns below, placing them in order from highest score to lowest. Calm Storm Response.when.issues.or.conflicts.first.arise Response when things escalate or stress rises Highest Calm Score ^ Style Name ^ Highest Storm Score ^ Style Name^ Style Name 2nd Style Name 2nd Style Name 3rd Style Name 3rd Style Name 4th Style Name 4th Style Name 5th Style Name 5th
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 8 Guidelines for Interpreting Your Scores The.Guidelines.below.show.how.to.use.knowledge.of.conflict.styles.to.improve.your.effectiveness. in.conflict...As.you.work.through.them.and.the.Learning.Suggestions.that.accompany.each,. you.will.gain.an.understanding.of.your.scores.and.how.to.strengthen.your.responses.to.conflict.. . If you are leading a group, see the Trainers Guide for more exercises and inputs for each principle. (To.download.a.free.copy,.send.an.email.request.to:.TrainersGuide@ConflictStyleMatters.com.) 1 . Learn the five styles and how each functions. close to us, and the institutional boundaries This knowledge will open choices for you that of school, religion, and society. As adults, you couldn’t see before, It will also help you to many of us still prefer the style that we learned recognize what others are doing, and take steps to rely on in those early years. That style is to bring out the best in yourself and others. fine,.neither.good.nor.bad...But.if.we.use.it. automatically, in almost all conflicts, without awareness that we are using it or that other Learning suggestions: Study the diagram responses are also available, we set ourselves “Five.Styles.of.Responding.to.Conflict”.on. up.for.difficulty. page 11 for a few minutes. If you can, view the short slide series on the front web page of www.ConflictStyleMatters.com..When.you. Learning suggestions: Study your scores, have a sense of each style, go on to Guideline using.the.chart.on.the.bottom.of.page.9.. . Two below. Discuss them with others, for in describing your scores and commenting on them, you deepen.your.understanding....For.one-on-one. 2 . Be aware of your own conflict style discussion, see Exercise 1 on page seven. In preferences. Most people have a clear group.settings,.see.Exercises.1-4...In.order. preference for one or two styles. This style of priority according to the time available, pay feels natural to us since we learn patterns most attention to: with.conflict.as.children.and.young.adults.. . Each of us was shaped by a situation unique a). The.style.you.rely.on.the.most. This is to us, created by our own needs and abilities, normally the style with your highest score in interacting.with.the.conflict.styles.of.people. Calm or Storm. If in doubt, give priority to
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 9 your highest Storm style. This style probably has strengths and weaknesses. Each is the reflects.some.of.your.greatest.gifts.as.a.person. right choice in some situations and wrong in but.is.also.a.style.you.are.likely.to.over-use.. . others....Become.skillful.in.all.five.styles.so.you. Understanding its strengths and limitations can use each appropriately. A few people will help you to choose other styles when are.naturally.flexible.and.have.a.“flat.score”.in. appropriate. this inventory, meaning their numbers all fall within a few points of each other. However, b). The.style.you.use.the.least. This is normally most people have a preference for one or the style with your lowest score in Calm or two.styles,.reflected.in.a.score.of.two.or.more. Storm. If in doubt, choose the style that you points higher than other styles. The stronger feel is the hardest for you to use well. Since your preference for a particular style, the more this is the style you are probably least skilled likely.you.are.to.experience.the.costs.of.over- in, expanding your ability to use it will open use described on pages 12 to 14. new.options.for.responding.in.conflict. c). If.your.numbers.are.very.close,.you.may.be. Learning suggestions: In the section equally skilled in all styles. This is in general “Understanding.Conflict.Styles”,.pages.12.to. good,.for.it.indicates.flexibility.....Ask.people. 14,.study.the.benefits.of.each.style.and.the. who know you for comment: Do they see costs.of.over-using.it. Pay particular attention you.as.indeed.flexible.in.using.all.five.styles?. . to the costs of over-use of the style you use Or do you sometimes rely too much on one the most and the benefits of the style you use or.two.styles?...Chances.are.that.you.have. the least, for this knowledge will assist you to an inner sense about one or two styles that broaden your repertoire of responses. Review are.more.difficult.for.you.than.others;.pay. these out loud in the presence of others (a special attention to these. Also, be aware that partner or a small group, with all sharing about flexibility.can.make.you.seem.unpredictable. themselves).and.comment.on.those.that. to others. You can counteract this by making especially seem to apply to you. The section special effort to communicate your intentions “Choosing.Responses.to.Conflict”,.pages.15. to others so they can understand what you and.16,.gives.additional.information.on.each. are up to. style. In real life, practice being conscious of 3 . Develop style flexibility. Understand and which style you are using and make a point respect the unique value of each style. Each of experimenting with styles you rarely use.
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 10 4 . Increase awareness of your Storm Shift. you seek, discuss with others you trust what Some people experience a change in preferred you could do when you feel stressed that style.as.conflict.heats.up....They.begin.a. would help you use the style you want to use. conflict.with.one.style.but.as.emotions.and. stress go up, they shift to a different style. 5 . Learn strategies to make it easy for They may shift from a style of Harmonizing others to be at their best. Each style has in Calm conditions, for example, to Directing certain requirements other people can help as things move into the tension of Storm to meet, if they choose, that lower stress conditions;.from.Directing.to.Avoiding;.from. and anxiety and improve performance. Cooperating to Directing or Harmonizing, etc. Often these are simple things others can This Storm Shift can be quite sudden and thus do without sacrificing their own goals. surprise, shock, or hurt others. Learning suggestions: Study the section Learning suggestions: Compare your “Strategies for Working with Styles of Others”. numbers in Calm and Storm for each style. First learn the tips you wish others would (Use the totals in the gray line of the upper use for you by studying your preferred styles chart.on.page.7.)...If.there.is.a.shift.in.any.of. in Calm and Storm. Then, if you are in a your styles of two points or more from Calm to group, go around the group with each person Storm, pay attention to this. If the shift is four sharing the tips for his or her preferred styles points or more, chances are that your Storm that seem especially helpful. Listen well, for shift sometimes confuses or alarms others. you will learn much about the needs of other In.conflict.situations,.learn.to.recognize.the. styles besides your own as well. (Exercises inner signs that accompany a shift: a suddenly 2.and.3.on.page.20.are.a.variation.on.this.). . pounding heart, heat in the face or neck, a Do the same discussion with a partner you live flash.of.anger.in.the.head,.churning.in.the.gut,. or work with. In real life, look for opportunities or icy fear in the chest. Ask people who know to apply support strategies discretely, in ways you well to give you feedback about what they that help others without calling attention to the notice.when.you.become.stressed.in.conflict.. . fact that you have done so. Simple awareness is your most important tool.for.self-management....If.awareness. alone is not enough to achieve the response
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 11 High Focus on Agenda DIRECTING COOPERATING Focus on own agenda: High Focus on own agenda: High Focus on relationship: Low Focus on relationship: High I win/you lose. I win/you win. “We’re doing it my way...” “My preference is.... And please tell “Let’s just get the job done. me yours.... If we each explain what (We’ll worry about the we want, and keep talking, we can find relationship later...)” a way for both of us. ”Low focus on COMPROMISING High focus on Focus on own agenda: MediumRelationship Focus on relationship: Medium Relationship I win some/you win some. “I’ll meet you halfway...” “Let’s make a deal...” AVOIDING HARMONIZING Focus on own agenda: Low Focus on own agenda: Low Focus on relationship: Low Focus on relationship: High I lose/ you lose. I lose/you win. “Forget about it...." “Sure, I’m flexible ...” "Conflict? What conflict?" “Whatever you want is fine with "Can we talk about this some other time?” me ...” Low Focus on Agenda
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 12 Understanding Conflict Styles DIRECTING COOPERATING High focus on own agenda and low focus on High focus on own agenda and high focus on relationship relationship “We’re doing it my way...” “My preference is.... And please tell me yours.” I win and you lose. I win and you win. Strategies: Persuade, insist, demand and Strategies: Assert self and invite other views. repeat, compete, control, refuse to negotiate, Welcome.differences,.reflect.jointly.on.strengths. attack. As leader, discourage challenges, cite and weaknesses of all views. Cooperate in policy, set limits and consequences, instruct. seeking and evaluating additional information. Source of power: From position, role, control of Source of power: From trust, skill, ability, resources, ability to impose consequences. coordination, goodwill, creativity, mutuality. Benefits: Speed, decisiveness, gaining or Benefits: Trust and mutuality. High potential for protecting things important to the Director. creativity and personal growth. Others blossom Useful.in.emergencies.-.no.time.lost.negotiating. and develop new gifts. This style has immense duties when the ship is sinking. Stability under rewards of satisfaction, energy and joy when unswerving leadership. successfully used on meaningful issues. Costs when over-used: Inequality, resentment, Costs when over-used: Fatigue and time loss, reduction in trust, loss of cooperation. In time, distraction from more important tasks, analysis others.display.lower.self-motivation,.atrophy.of. paralysis. Used for many trivial issues, people gifts,. diminished. self-respect,. or. depression.. . weary. of. "too. much. processing".. . Attempted. Reduced emotional and spiritual growth in the without attention to the skills and time required, Director if others fear to challenge them. failure.is.likely;.cooperation.gets.a.bad.name..
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 13 tt esearch ers and R.MaAVOIDING d.that. COMPROMISING l e M a St y le tters.foun tudy.using.Sty 5.do ral.s A.200own cto testing and is Medium focus on agendarfand ed w ell in reliability Low focus on own agenda and low focus on t pe orm medium the instrumen focus on relationship relationship “valid and reliable”. y.researchers . ct.conducted.b it.... Conflict? d “I’ll meet you halfway...” ,.a.study.proje “Forget dministere What conflict?” In.2009-2010 ennsylvania ayou lose. I win some and you win Chester University of P some. I lose and sted. at West .300.subjects .and.te o.m ore.than , Strategies: Urgetyle.Matters.tbargain, split the for vStrategies: reliability delay or avoid response. S moderation, alidity and Withdraw, gs of q uestions y of various wordin difference,.find.a.little.something.for.everyone,. istenDivertd accurac ons cy an attention, suppress emotions, be chmarks of c d Style sta give ben rd meet them halfway,nda a little and take g.little. researchers rate or inscrutable. t in testi n a The inaccessible ndings. measuremen eported.their.fi Source of power: From .well.on.both.coun of moderation, sense ts,.and.rSource of power:.From.calmness,.silence,.non- z,. Matters ber,.2010.[Bra fairness, practicality,he.academic.com munity.in.Octo n. to.t and pragmatism. ,.K.,.“ being tio cooperation,Validaunavailable or “above it all.” ,.B.,.Kraybill ,.R.S.,.&.Daly M.E.,.Lawton Benefits: bm itted.to.the. Benefits: Relatively fast, provides a way out le.Inventory”,..suFreedom from entanglement in trivial of ill.Conflict.Sty of.the.Kraybgo on. Emphasisthe.National.Communica tion. stalemate, enables the show to f. issues. or. insignificant. relationships,. stability,. onvention.o ent edition of 96th.Annual.C A.] This pres on fairness is readily understood by most people. , C preservation.of.status.quo,.ability.to.influence.or. an Francisco Association, S gs.from.this.s tudy. Builds atmosphere of cooperation. eflects.the.learninblock others without olarly .r seeming negative. Style.Matters s upports objec tive sch Press actively Riverhou e Costs when over-used: seMediocrity and g.ac ess.to. Costs whencover-used: Periodic explosions of onflict.sty les.by.providin possibility rch.in to.cunprincipled search blandness, resea of s academic re pent-up.anger,.“long.stretches.of.cottony.silence. cost to seriou Sty of atters at no agreements, likelihoodle Mpatching symptomsg a policy of comple te objectivity punctuated by terrifying explosions,” slow death of maintainin urces ave. and ignoring causes. ro p Everyonehile a little, but nciarelationships, residue.h bad feeling. Stagnation, jects, w gets ..No.fina l.or.other.reso of gs re garding.findin proje cts. no.one.is.really.happy...Too-quick.compromises.e research thes dullness, declining interest and energy. Loss of excha nged hands in may..short-circuit.needed.in-depth.discussion. engagement and accountability.
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 14 Principles to Remember 1 . Diversity and conflict are part of being HARMONIZING human. Most people function better in Low focus on own agenda and high focus on conflict.if.they.accept.that.it.is.a.normal.part. relationship of life. “Sure, I’m flexible ...” “Whatever you’re happy with is fine with me....“ 2. Self management is the most important and You win and I lose. challenging.part.of.conflict.management. Strategies: Agree, support, acknowledge error, 3. Self-awareness of. your. conflict. style. give in, convince self it’s no big deal, placate, preferences and the strengths and dangers smile and say yes, grin and bear it. of your preferred styles is a big step towards self-management. Source of power: From relationships, approval of.others,.from.fitting.in. 4. Style flexibility is the goal. No style is Benefits: Flexible and easy to work with, wins always.best...Each.has.benefits.and.costs. approval and appreciation of others, creates 5 . Each conflict style has a particular set of pleasant atmosphere. Freedom from hassle, at preferences for how to interact (pages.17- least.in.the.short-term. 19). Taking steps to meet these frees up Costs when over-used: Frustration for others energy.for.addressing.the.issues.at.conflict.. . who want the engagement of Problem-solving. 6. No matter how aware or skillful you are, Resentment, depression, and stunted growth of you will still get hurt or fail sometimes. personal gifts in the Harmonizer. Dependency on Were human, not gods. Learn from others..Denies.others.the.benefit.of.confrontation. mistakes, make right what you can, forgive if the Harmonizer accepts unhealthy patterns or when you are able, get on with things. Live behaviors that ought to be challenged. fully, not perfectly.
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 15 Choosing Responses to Conflict We.are.most.successful.in.conflict.when.we.are.flexible.in.our.abilities.and.can.use.each.of. the.five.styles.skillfully.as.needed...However,.most.people.rely.on.one.or.two.preferred.styles. and use them unthinkingly in all.conflicts,.regardless.of.the.circumstances...This.section.will. help you make conscious choices about which style is best in a given situation or moment. Directing presence of someone who chronically Most useful when: directs Ø an emergency looms Ø self-respect.of.others.is.diminished. Ø there.is.no.time.for.give-and-take. needlessly discussion Ø you are sure you’re right, and being right Cooperating Most useful when: matters more than preserving relationships Ø the issues and relationships are both Ø the issue is trivial and others don’t really significant care what happens Ø long-term.ability.to.work.together.is. Ø weaker parties need to be protected from important stronger ones Ø a creative outcome is important Ø principles are at stake and must not be Ø time and energy are available for compromised, regardless of cost discussion Ø reasonable hope exists to meet all Least useful when: concerns Ø Cooperating has not yet been attempted Least useful when: Ø support and cooperation of others who Ø time is short want to be treated as equals is important Ø the issues are trivial Ø used.routinely.for.most.issues;.others. Ø you’re overloaded with “processing” either get annoyed and resistant or fall Ø the goals of the other person are wrong into passiveness and dependency in the beyond doubt
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 16 Compromising the relationship Most useful when: Ø used habitually for most issues (leads to Ø getting a quick settlement matters more “explosions”.or.“freeze-out”) se than exploring all possible options. Ø a residue of negative feelings is likely to Ø working together is important,R e g a r d in g Paymlinger for U ent Our Policies are limited he.highest.quality.conflict. but time or .t ion:.to.provide resources to Cooperate fully Ø others. would. benefit. from. constructive. 1. Our.miss Ø when settling on some solution, even if market (in clarity, e ase of on th e confrontation sty is inventory less than ideal, le better than a complete nessØ your rolehing tool, as a teac or duties oblige you to take a stand ti ve stalemate use, ae sthetics, effec at.is.within. (even th odest.cost.though you may personally prefer to Ø when efforts and.researc be to Cooperate will h.validity).at.m users. Avoid.or.Harmonize) reach o f all interested misunderstood as Directing ced cost and Style M atters at redu 2. We provide nnot afford Least useful when: metimes no cost to users who ca Harmonizing n so only by writte es. H owever, this isuseful when: Most our listed pric Ø in-depth.analysis.or.finding.the.most. creative solution possibleonessential (use nt. d conse Ø keeping others happy is the most important applicati an is . We have age sgoal usly erio Cooperating.instead) authorized us 3. We with e un Ø when you can’t live tak the consequences survive and m eet our above e are to Ø expressing your wishes may bring no choice if w or need cost makes of getting less than what you want . Premium q uality at low from others and you have no retaliation covalues ments mmit are at stake meansers to pay for Ø deep principles or s! We depend on us to protect yourself for thin margin nd cite about the issue Ø you r for a o actively monit really don’t care ” we Avoiding their use and tay legit . Ø you to “s Your choiceare powerless and have no wish to Most useful when: unauthorized users to personthe esig the otherma ke Ø the issue is trivial pports a busin ess mo del dblock ned a su ve you and us Ø the.relationship.is.insignificant tter place. It can also sa world a be Least useful when: Ø time to talk is limited and a decision can be lo t of hassle. Ø you are likelye m e ly resentment xtr to harbor ertising is e delayed for now Ø you have little power o ropenlym o an uth adv Ø used habitually in order to win acceptance W to d of resist your colleag ues .P lease tell by.others.(outcome:.lack.of.self-respect. helpful to us opponent but you don’t want to actively go along with their wisheso u t S ty le M a tt e rs. and personal growth in you and eventually ab perhaps.depression) Least useful when: Ø others wish to Cooperate and will feel like Ø you care about both the issues involved and Directors if you Harmonize
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 17 Strategies for Working with Styles of Others You can do a lot to help people with styles different from your own feel more comfortable in conflicts.and.thus.function.more.constructively...Read.and.discuss.the.information.below.with. people who live or work with you. If you talk when things are calm about your styles and what you.need,.you.will.know.what.to.do.to.make.things.easier.in.difficult.times.....As.you.get.familiar. with. the. styles,. you. will. soon. find. you. can. recognize. style. preferences. even. in. complete. strangers, and you will know how to respond in situations that previously confounded you. How to bring out the best in someone • Directors usually prefer to deal with things who scores high in Directing now and get anxious when others are silent • People who use the Directing style a lot or passive. Don’t withdraw without giving are often task oriented. They are usually some clue about your intentions. Lack of quite productive and concerned to get information about this will increase their the job done. Engage them and let them anxiety and anger. know you are committed to the task at • A Directing person who is angry can be hand or resolving the issue satisfactorily. quite intimidating, for this style is the most If you need time to think things through or active, and “in your face” when anger is high. cool.down,.they.are.usually.fine.with.this.if. If this person has a history of abusing others you ask, so long as you indicate clearly a emotionally or otherwise and holds more commitment to returning to resolve things. power than you, look for a path to safety or You will get a more positive response if you shelter. If the person is basically healthy state. specifically. when. you. will. come. back. emotionally, simply asking for a chance to (e.g., in an hour, or tomorrow at nine o’clock, cool off and think often helps, so long as etc). you state clearly your intention to return and • Though their task focus makes it easy to work on things. forget the feelings and needs of others, How to bring out the best in someone many Directors feel deeply responsible for who scores high in Cooperating those around them and may feel quite bad • Feeling heard helps all styles, but if they realize they have wounded others. Cooperators respond particularly well to Look for ways to engage them about the efforts to structure conversation around needs of others in settings where they are listening. Hear them out fully and you are not in the middle of a big job.
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 18 likely to be surprised at how well they listen anything you need from them if you use a to you in return. “two-step”. approach..The. first. step. is. to. let. • Most Cooperators value directness and Avoiders.know.–.in.thoughtful.tones.-.what. candor, so long as you are polite. Saying you want and that you’d like them to think what you want and need will be appreciated, about it. Then come back later – an hour, a a Et ceterinformation about what akes• it easy low-key.. . . The. more. intense. particularly if you manage to say it in an day,.a.week.-.and.hear.their.response. for attitude of “providing m ers Guide Stay. or. •. Thto me”e Train criticizing or conflict.styles. you are, the more likely the e fre rather than matters most ssful. demanding making demands. e.to .lead.a.succe anyon ined before! Avoider will go into major withdrawal. if yo u’ve never tra • If you are aworkshop, even Harmonizer or Avoider, resist • There. is. a. significant. subgroup. of. conflict. o. the temptation to.the.firsfrom ge.of.this back off t.pa an assertive .doc.for.info.t Avoiders who are actually quite task See Cooperator. Yes, Cooperators do speak focused, but in a particular way. They bring download. flict. out, but they truly want to hear youreviewsources.on.con any.f re .res a high level of caution and attention to detail •. Th silent re.m .a too. If you are ere or too quick to agree, our site. everything. they. do;. they. are. concerned. to. sty s on w b listings on the Cooperatorleends upe feeling like a ft .cnot to put e le om In th important things at risk. These Director, whicho to www.Rive rhouseEpress Avoiders need data and information, G is not at all the intention. • Bring a blend of task andck on “Resources relationship focus ”. presented in a calm and methodical way, menu, cli sentation. to.the.conversation...Affirm.work.well.done. erpoint.pre e.Pow in order to comfortably enter negotiations. -slid • •. A.simple.ten ite Like the directing style, Cooperators Riverhouse forebs to provide them with relevant Look w ways ge of the on the ontpa particularly appreciate frinformation about styles..about at. details, .Gre plans, options, costs, rules, s ics.of.conflict. precedents from elsewhere, expected xp and tend a what is goingeon,lains.the.bto become can project it users or trainers results, how surprises will be dealt with, for indiv pull l anxious or upset if othersiduaaway without oint projecter. signalling their intentions. room withdraw owerp etc. If possible, give them time to absorb Don’t with a P in a class rantee. without giving a clear explanation, such as, oney-back.gua .m this information before expecting them to ffers.a Riverhouse.o with what the y “I want to go for a walk for half an hour to appy negotiate...See.two-step.approach.above. r h o is not h to a Then I’ll w think things through. ny use come back • Hastell.have.had.no. e.sti in decision making tends to push and we can talk some more.”...After.fi v e.years,.wAvoiders into withdrawal or analysis purchase paralysis. Move slowly, one step at a time. takers! e website at tion is available on th How to bring out ore informa someone M the best in .com. Epress who scores high www.Riverhouse in Avoiding How to bring out the best in someone • Avoiders.benefit.more.than.any.other.style. who scores high in Compromising from an offer to give them time and/or space • Compromisers have a strong sense of to withdraw and think things through. You reciprocity. More than other styles, they are more likely to get a “yes” answer about are likely to respond in kind if you back
MATTERS FREE REVIseWresO.coY E C Pm u Ep s The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com w w w.Riverho 19 off somewhat from your initial position. appreciative.comment,.flowers,.a.chocolate. Leave room to negotiate when you make bar, a card, etc. St yle Matters You will get more cooperativeness in doing ck out …fairness and your opening request. Compromiserse value Also ch • • moderation. e Think and speak in terms of serious work with Harmonizers if you use Onlin ge a. pla ce where we dge, thetwo-step. approach.. . First,. connect. at. in “being fair”, “fair version is our cutt“you play”, “reasonable”, . Style ur clientslevel The web give some, Iy adsome”, “give andiqu etc. give apt to the un take”, e needs of o a human an’t b(ask how they are doing, e s that c easil provides many feature inquire about a family member, tease a • Compromisers.Online value. efficiency. of. Matters tend. to. version: little, compliment them, thank them for rint offered in a p time.and.energy.and.are.eager.to.find.a.way. r ated scorin the g to a practical solution that endsres by email to an through •. Fully autom yone the use something,.etc.)..Then,.and.only.then,.settle. rding of sco down to business. The human connection •. Easy forwa difficulty...A.sense.that.a.fair.and.moderate. ic chooses. deal was achieved probably mattersilmore to each u d se comes Bas alwaysr. The before work for Harmonizers reports ta ore ary of scores. The •. Two score than talking through all options. page summ (an.insight.that.is.especially.difficult.for.task- one cked.with. Report is a does rt.is.a.four-page.report.pa hich • As the Compromiser .Repo not enjoy oriented Directors.to.remember). w Advanced . Shows you suggein tions• Stay xlight. seSeriousness , or heaviness in s id prolonged debate, nd practicalpartner es s to avo ention to, e c a determined info a y att Directing or evens you should pa may, others quicklyetc. anxiety , style Cooperating style others to be effective stirs .aspecin Harmonizers m she t. d fro .ex makes.eve ry wh be you nee with strong logic, at able to persuade her u s torial.and plain it hard for them to focus or ,.self-guided.t •. An.i an epth is wrong, creating n-dappearance the more stay on task. Use humor. Appreciate the gement, les. , anger mana o co flict.sty forceful personf.hasn“won”. However, thel issuesrelationship or their good qualities out loud if ays on cultura you ist.o victory may •. Shollow. ss Compromiser’s lf-tailored.lcan honestly do . be hort e The f.Support. so. .a .se plate.to.make deep inner sense m conclusions on a user’s score a.te that s, and more b sed should Version that Strategieswilla disturbed. rs ta• e Assure nlinerepeatedly h thyou really want be reciprocal and balanced rs have use k the O them wit and e to the their shop be •.Many traine Trust, openness and cooperativeness and com e to knowworkpreferenceshop.views. Thank shop will them inutes.o f.works before a work Bingo,.30.extra.msincerely if they do level with you. If nd.. printout.in.ha suffer.on.the.long-term.....Find.concessions. they bring criticism, thank ds generously, them for the Compromiser, even if you are sure time! ss auto call sen matigreatyeffort for Harmonizers your argument is stronger.nal Consu ltant’s Accefor it requires them from •.An optio nd prevents c ores to you a to bepreseabout anything negative. direct y our clients’ s are nt. c ores until you In meetings or extended rintout u to get a p conversations with seeing their s epo rt • nables yo e How to bring out the ptional Group R Excel group on one breaks and •.An o best in someone lass or Harmonizers, takeve given lighten up our c who scores high in f all scores of y o Harmonizing are withheld ua less you ha on n regular basis. Long, heavy discussion es pri to ut. Nam and be • Harmonizers want nto please ation.to.your.users. unsettles Harmonizersoandsite, w up on ur pushes them ritten.notific social e Pagetocan be setplaces moreorquickly than ” unhelpful pleased. Pay attention to small elcom tudents optional “W •.Athan any other by a link youotherestyles.ou n giv to y r s ve niceties. More accessed on ly style, e text and ha Harmonizers will be positively welcomby them affected e . You write th clients, to at any time. – it kind note, ss gestures of thoughtfulnesseda ing accean easy
MATTERS The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory Copyright.2011..www.RiverhouseEpress.com 20 Suggestions for Reflection and Discussion 1. Discuss scores in pairs or trios. After sharing increase their understanding of each style. your.scores,.tell.a.story.about.a.conflict.you’ve. 3.. People.who.live.or.work.together.benefit. been.a.part.of...Do.the.scores.fit.your.real-life. greatly from conversation about their styles. response?...What.styles.would.you.like.to.get. A suggested discussion sequence: better.at?...If.your.numbers.suggest.a.significant. • Share scores with each other. shift in style from calm to storm, are you aware • Reflect on the scores, with each person of.making.such.a.shift?..What.factors.are.most. responding to the questions in item 2 above. likely.to.trigger.this.shift.in.you?...How.does. • Recall a time when differences arose between the.shift.affect.others? you...Do.the.scores.reflect.how.you.actually. responded? 2. Meet in small groups of similar-style people. • Each.person.can.reflect.aloud,.in.the.presence. For example, in one group is Directors, in of others, on the “Strategies for Supporting another Cooperators, etc. If you have nearly Styles of Others” pages. Which strategies equal scores in two styles, choose the style would they particularly like others to use that that.seems.to.get.you.in.difficulty.the.most.. . would.help.bring.out.the.best.in.the.speaker? Discuss the information in the pages above about the style of your particular group. Go 4. Have someone who knows you well take the around the small group and give each person test “for” you based on their observation of you. chance.to.reflect.on.himself.or.herself: Then compare your own score for yourself and • Which strengths of the style do you see present the one they give you. Where do the scores in.your.handling.of.life.and.relationships? agree?..Where.do.they.differ?...What.are.the. • Which weaknesses or costs from overuse do gifts.of.your.preferred.style(s)?..What.style(s). you.see? do.you.want.to.work.on.for.improvement?. . • Which.support.strategies.do.you.find.especially. More comprehensive still: Have several people applicable.to.you?. do this for you. In organizations, you can do When you reconvene as a whole group, with a.“360.feedback”.by.having.people.above,. all styles present, have a reporter from each beneath, and on par with you take it “for” you. small group give a summary of insights from (Do a web search on the phrase for tips and that group to the whole group, so others can cautions.)