1. Amalgamated Industries Annual Report
Fiscal Year 2001
The Board of Director's are pleased to announce that Amalgamated Industries profits for fiscal
year 2001 have increased 120% over the previous year. We owe much of our success to our new
state of the art customer support facility in Mellonburg. The facility is the brain child of Vice
President of Customer Elimination, Roger J. Hamsterbiscuts.
For those of you unfamiliar with Roger, he's was brought on board last year to spearhead our
efforts to increase profits by reducing interaction with customers. As you know, responding to
customer inquires is resource intensive and expensive. Under Roger's leadership, we have
successfully eliminated the entire customer support and complaint departments. These money
losing departments were a constant drag on the company's bottom line. Their elimination is the
primary reason for this year's enormous increase in profits.
The new automated customer support facility (ACSF) is located in a rarely used stall in the
second floor men's restroom at our Mellonburg plant. When a customer calls one of our support
hotlines, the ACSF greets them in a friendly voice and instructs them to wait for the next available
support representative. Since Amalgamated Industries no longer employs any support staff, the
customer's wait is indefinite. Our internal studies show that most customers forget why they called
and hang up after an average of 22 minutes on hold. The ACSF is capable of handling over
12,000 simultaneous calls. So far we haven't received a single complain about the new system.
