Serving Survivors of Crime and AbuseHealthy Relationships

The REACH Center, Inc.ReferralsEducationAdvocacyCrisis Intervention/CounselingHotline

Where are we located?The REACH Center, Inc. has 3 offices to help our clients:Columbia-Greene Community College Room 316 518-828-4181 ext. 31794269 Rt. 9, Hudson, NY 12534 518-828-5556371 Main St., Catskill, NY 12414518-943-4482

Our services are FREEAll services provided by The REACH Center, Inc. are completely free and confidential. Our advocates are available 24-hours a day.Survivors do not need to report their crime/abuse to receive services. The REACH Center does not report crimes to law enforcement.

Services provided by The REACH CenterCounseling and support for survivors of all types of crime/abuse/violence and their friends and familyEducation on the prevention of crime/abuse/violenceAdvocacy, Accompaniments, Referrals and InformationAssistance in filing for Crime Victim Board compensation

Types of Relationship Abuse

Economic AbusePreventing you from having or keeping a job Interfering with your efforts to maintain a job by sabotaging childcare, transportation, or other arrangements Harassing you at work Refusing to work Not including you in family financial decisions Not allowing you access to the family finances Making you ask for money Taking your money Demanding an account of everything you buy Controlling your access to financial information Not allowing you to talk to others about money Not allowing your name to be on accounts, which would allow you to build credit Forcing you to put your name on accounts and then destroying your credit Making fun of your financial contribution and saying it is not worth anything Expecting you to behave in a certain way because you make less money or are not the "breadwinner" Destroying or interfering with homework

Sexual AbuseUnwanted touching, Withholding sex, Demanding sex, Forcing sex, Name-calling with sexual epithets, Demanding sex after a violent incident, Forcing you to engage in prostitution or pornography, Forcing you to have sex with others besides your partner, Insisting on anything sexual that frightens or hurts you, Refusing to use safe sex practices, Preventing you from using birth control, Controlling your decisions about pregnancy and/or abortion, Alleging that you have a history of prostitution on legal papers, Telling you that "as a matter of law" in the United States that you must continue to have sex with him whenever he wants until you are divorced.

Verbal AbuseDegrading you in front of friends and family, Telling hurtful "jokes" despite your requests to stop, Taking your statements out of context, Name calling, Insulting, Humiliation, Criticizing, Blaming, Accusing, Questioning your sanity.

Physical AbusePushing, Pinching or biting, Slapping, beating, or kicking, Choking, Backing you into a corner, Pinning you down, Throwing objects, Pulling your hair, Holding you captive, Breaking down a door to get to you, Preventing you from eating or sleeping, Locking you out of the house, Forcing your car off the road, Abandoning you in dangerous places, Keeping you from getting medical care, Spitting on you, Using or threatening to use a weapon against you, Driving at unsafe speeds to intimidate you, Refusing to help you when you are sick, injured, or pregnant, Withholding medications or medical treatment.

In a Healthy RelationshipBoth people have the same rights and privilegesResponsibilities are sharedEach respects, trusts, and believes the otherNeither person sets rules for the relationshipIndividual interests, abilities and goals are acceptedDecisions are made togetherBoth talk openly: neither is afraid to say what they think

Effects of AbuseA Distrust of her spontaneity A loss of enthusiasm An uncertainty about how she is coming across A concern that something is wrong with her An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong A loss of self-confidence A growing self doubt An internalized “critical voice” A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be An anxiety or fear of being crazy A sense that time is passing and she’s missing something A desire not to be the way she is- “too sensitive,” etc A hesitancy to accept her perceptions A reluctance to come to conclusions A desire to escape or run away A tendency to live in the future, e.g. “everything will be great when/after…” A distrust of future relationships

Effects of Abuse on ChildrenFear-of violence, of father (sometimes all men), of abandonment, of night-time (when violence has occurred), of upheaval and loss of family, of physical harm, of expressing feelings Anger- at father (for the violence), at mother (for not being able to stop the violence), at self (for not being able to protect the mother) Guilt- feels responsible for violence, for being “disloyal” to father/family, for having negative feelings about one or both parents Confusion- who’s responsible for care-giving? Conflict over feelings towards parents, unpredictable reactions from adults, child is unable to trust, belief that relationship equals violence Powerlessness- to change things, for not being able to fix” the family Shame- for being part of a defective family

Cycle of violence

Tension BuildingAbuser starts to get angry Abuse may begin There is a breakdown of communication Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm Tension becomes too much Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

IncidentAny type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Making - UpAbuser may apologize for abuse Abuser may promise it will never happen again Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

CalmAbuser acts like the abuse never happened Physical abuse may not be taking place Promises made during 'making-up' may be met Victim may hope that the abuse is over Abuser may give gifts to victim

Impact of abuse on children

Linking Childhood Abuse to Relationship AbuseThe “cycle of violence” hypothesis suggeststhat a childhood history of physicalabuse predisposes the survivor to violencein later years. This study revealsthat victims of neglect are also likely todevelop later violent criminal behavior. Ifviolence is begotten by not only violence,but also by neglect, far more attentionneeds to be devoted to the families ofchildren who are abandoned and severelymalnourished.

If you allow it, you teach it

Ending troubled relationships

Signs of a troubled relationshipDecrease in communicationIncrease in the number of unresolved conflicts, arguments, and/or abuseSignificant change in the amount and quality of time spent together

Reasons for ending a relationshipOne person realizes that the other simply isn’t a good choice for him/herOne person wants a different relationship than the other wantsOne person changes so much that the needs and interests of the two conflictOne or both people have unreasonable expectations for the relationshipOne or both have problems with the other’s sexual expectations and/or values

Tips to end gracefullyMake the decisionPrepare for all kinds of feelings, even uncomfortable onesChoose the time and placeExplain your reasonMake the end final-be clear and firmDevelop other relationships