Healthy Relationships


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Healthy Relationships

  1. 1. Healthy Relationships Serving Survivors of Crime and Abuse
  2. 2. The REACH Center, Inc. • Referrals • Education • Advocacy • Crisis Intervention/Counseling • Hotline
  3. 3. Where are we located? The REACH Center, Inc. has 3 offices to help our clients: • Columbia-Greene Community College Room 316 518-828-4181 ext. 3179 • 4269 Rt. 9, Hudson, NY 12534 518-828-5556 • 371 Main St., Catskill, NY 12414 518-943-4482
  4. 4. Our services are FREE All services provided by The REACH Center, Inc. are completely free and confidential. Our advocates are available 24-hours a day. Survivors do not need to report their crime/abuse to receive services. The REACH Center does not report crimes to law enforcement.
  5. 5. Services provided by The REACH Center • Counseling and support for survivors of all types of crime/abuse/violence and their friends and family • Education on the prevention of crime/abuse/violence • Advocacy, Accompaniments, Referrals and Information • Assistance in filing for Crime Victim Board compensation
  7. 7. Economic Abuse • Preventing you from having or keeping a job • Interfering with your efforts to maintain a job by sabotaging childcare, transportation, or other arrangements • Harassing you at work • Refusing to work • Not including you in family financial decisions • Not allowing you access to the family finances • Making you ask for money • Taking your money • Demanding an account of everything you buy • Controlling your access to financial information • Not allowing you to talk to others about money • Not allowing your name to be on accounts, which would allow you to build credit • Forcing you to put your name on accounts and then destroying your credit • Making fun of your financial contribution and saying it is not worth anything • Expecting you to behave in a certain way because you make less money or are not the "breadwinner" • Destroying or interfering with homework
  8. 8. Sexual Abuse • Unwanted touching, • Withholding sex, • Demanding sex, • Forcing sex, • Name-calling with sexual epithets, • Demanding sex after a violent incident, • Forcing you to engage in prostitution or pornography, • Forcing you to have sex with others besides your partner, • Insisting on anything sexual that frightens or hurts you, • Refusing to use safe sex practices, • Preventing you from using birth control, • Controlling your decisions about pregnancy and/or abortion, • Alleging that you have a history of prostitution on legal papers, • Telling you that "as a matter of law" in the United States that you must continue to have sex with him whenever he wants until you are divorced.
  9. 9. Verbal Abuse • Degrading you in front of friends and family, • Telling hurtful "jokes" despite your requests to stop, • Taking your statements out of context, • Name calling, • Insulting, • Humiliation, • Criticizing, • Blaming, • Accusing, • Questioning your sanity.
  10. 10. Physical Abuse • Pushing, • Pinching or biting, • Slapping, beating, or kicking, • Choking, • Backing you into a corner, • Pinning you down, • Throwing objects, • Pulling your hair, • Holding you captive, • Breaking down a door to get to you, • Preventing you from eating or sleeping, • Locking you out of the house, • Forcing your car off the road, • Abandoning you in dangerous places, • Keeping you from getting medical care, • Spitting on you, • Using or threatening to use a weapon against you, • Driving at unsafe speeds to intimidate you, • Refusing to help you when you are sick, injured, or pregnant, • Withholding medications or medical treatment.
  11. 11. In a Healthy Relationship • Both people have the same rights and privileges • Responsibilities are shared • Each respects, trusts, and believes the other • Neither person sets rules for the relationship • Individual interests, abilities and goals are accepted • Decisions are made together • Both talk openly: neither is afraid to say what they think
  12. 12. Effects of Abuse • A Distrust of her spontaneity • A loss of enthusiasm • An uncertainty about how she is coming across • A concern that something is wrong with her • An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong • A loss of self-confidence • A growing self doubt • An internalized “critical voice” • A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be • An anxiety or fear of being crazy • A sense that time is passing and she’s missing something • A desire not to be the way she is- “too sensitive,” etc • A hesitancy to accept her perceptions • A reluctance to come to conclusions • A desire to escape or run away • A tendency to live in the future, e.g. “everything will be great when/after…” • A distrust of future relationships
  13. 13. Effects of Abuse on Children • Fear-of violence, of father (sometimes all men), of abandonment, of night-time (when violence has occurred), of upheaval and loss of family, of physical harm, of expressing feelings • Anger- at father (for the violence), at mother (for not being able to stop the violence), at self (for not being able to protect the mother) • Guilt- feels responsible for violence, for being “disloyal” to father/family, for having negative feelings about one or both parents • Confusion- who’s responsible for care-giving? Conflict over feelings towards parents, unpredictable reactions from adults, child is unable to trust, belief that relationship equals violence • Powerlessness- to change things, for not being able to fix” the family • Shame- for being part of a defective family
  15. 15. Tension Building • Abuser starts to get angry • Abuse may begin • There is a breakdown of communication • Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm • Tension becomes too much • Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
  16. 16. Incident • Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
  17. 17. Making - Up • Abuser may apologize for abuse • Abuser may promise it will never happen again • Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse • Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
  18. 18. Calm • Abuser acts like the abuse never happened • Physical abuse may not be taking place • Promises made during 'making-up' may be met • Victim may hope that the abuse is over • Abuser may give gifts to victim
  20. 20. Linking Childhood Abuse to Relationship Abuse • The “cycle of violence” hypothesis suggests • that a childhood history of physical • abuse predisposes the survivor to violence • in later years. This study reveals • that victims of neglect are also likely to • develop later violent criminal behavior. If • violence is begotten by not only violence, • but also by neglect, far more attention • needs to be devoted to the families of • children who are abandoned and severely • malnourished.
  21. 21. If you allow it, you teach it
  23. 23. Signs of a troubled relationship • Decrease in communication • Increase in the number of unresolved conflicts, arguments, and/or abuse • Significant change in the amount and quality of time spent together
  24. 24. Reasons for ending a relationship • One person realizes that the other simply isn’t a good choice for him/her • One person wants a different relationship than the other wants • One person changes so much that the needs and interests of the two conflict • One or both people have unreasonable expectations for the relationship • One or both have problems with the other’s sexual expectations and/or values
  25. 25. Tips to end gracefully • Make the decision • Prepare for all kinds of feelings, even uncomfortable ones • Choose the time and place • Explain your reason • Make the end final-be clear and firm • Develop other relationships