Carlos Xuma   Dating Q&A
Upcoming SlideShare
Loading in...5
×
 

Carlos Xuma Dating Q&A

on

  • 5,719 views

Learn the Q and A of dating

Learn the Q and A of dating

Statistics

Views

Total Views
5,719
Views on SlideShare
5,686
Embed Views
33

Actions

Likes
5
Downloads
218
Comments
2

4 Embeds 33

http://bettermarriagerelationship.com 23
http://totallysensational.blogspot.com 5
http://www.slideshare.net 4
http://www.docseek.net 1

Accessibility

Upload Details

Uploaded via as Adobe PDF

Usage Rights

© All Rights Reserved

Report content

Flagged as inappropriate Flag as inappropriate
Flag as inappropriate

Select your reason for flagging this presentation as inappropriate.

Cancel

12 of 2

  • Full Name Full Name Comment goes here.
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
    Processing…
  • Nice staff! But hey, don't you want some real?:) Check out Swingers Search Engine - swingers-search.com
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
    Processing…
  • That's really hot! But I wanna some REAL:) Last Friday I've found cool swingers search engine with tonnes of swingers dating data base! Check out at swingers-search.com ! The Best Swingers Search Engine + Much More.
    Are you sure you want to
    Your message goes here
    Processing…
Post Comment
Edit your comment

    Carlos Xuma   Dating Q&A Carlos Xuma Dating Q&A Document Transcript

    • www.datingdynamics.com Dating Q&A A Compilation Of Advice And Dating Strategies For Men By Carlos Xuma
    • DATING Q&A This work is copyrighted by the author. No unauthorized duplication or presentation allowed. Copyright © 2003, DD Publications All Rights Reserved (Ver. DD-005-9-4-2003) www.datingdynamics.com © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 2
    • DATING Q&A “Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.” - Tyler Durden – “Fight Club” © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 3
    • DATING Q&A INTRODUCTION Thanks for taking the time to download this e-book. I think you’re going to be in for a great time with the information you’re about to read. This is a compilation of dating and seduction information I’ve given to my readers at Dating Dynamics (http://www.datingdynamics.com) and The Seduction Method* (http://www.seductionmethod.com). The questions I’ve received have ranged from insightful and thought-provoking to shocking, and just about everywhere in between. This book is not meant as merely entertainment – it is designed to instruct by illustration. I am willing to bet that most guys have experienced some or all of these situations to some degree. I know you’ll find the insight and answers applicable in some way. I have left most of the questions in this guide as they were sent to me. Though, I have cleaned up some spelling and punctuation errors that may have made them difficult to read. These are all real questions from real people, and I think you’ll learn a lot of valuable and practical solutions from the advice. If you have questions of your own, please feel free to email me at: advice@datingdynamics.com or at advice@seductionmethod.com. I may not be able to answer every email, but I will do my very best. Enjoy! *In a great deal of these responses, I frequently mention another book we offer: The Seduction Method. It’s an excellent course that you may wish to add on to your Dating Dynamics information. It covers the critical principles of seduction and handling your sexual progression with women. Don’t worry – you’ve got a lot of material to learn here, and when you’re ready I’ve added more information about this program at the end if you are interested in continuing your education. The principles taught in that book are the added principles of a successful sex life, and are essential for all men. You’ll get a lot of valuable insight here, and much much more from the actual guide. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 4
    • DATING Q&A QUESTION: My girlfriend scopes out other men: I am living in Miami, and there's a lot of competition, and my girlfriend is always disrespecting me by checking out the competition. She says she isn't but you can tell. We've been 2gether 4yrs and are supposed to be 'in love'. But how can we be in love if she's always thinking about some other guy / checking him out when I'm out with her... I found this quote on another site: quot;...So don't let the excuse that quot;she's probably already got a boyfriendquot; stop you from flirting with a foxy chick that catches your eye. They'll always be flattered by a classy approach and willing to entertain your 'sales pitch'. The only exception is if they're newly married -- then they send out STAY AWAY signals all over the place to every guy on the planet.quot; So what if you’re the boyfriend and you've got to deal with men starting at your girl... and your girl staring right back. She's acting available and like I'm not even there next to her. My friends have advised me to do the same cause she's unfaithful doing this. Is she really unfaithful when she does this? Should I even care? -Confused Alien ************** You’re not as confused as you think .... Your girl is disrespecting you, Alien. Don't dismiss your instincts. She's demonstrating that she's lost most (if not all) of her attraction and interest in you. She's also showing that she needs this kind of drama-seeking attention to get you interactive with her. Step one: Start demonstrating some aloofness. Give her some reason to doubt her hold on you. When you react to her attention-seeking behavior with jealousy you are reinforcing it. STOP! Step two: Start flirting with others and demonstrating that other women can be interested in YOU. Start building up your self-confidence and self-respect. Step three: Other men are staring at her because she's desirable, and your insecurity leads you to believe that their attention is the problem, when in fact it's your jealousy. It's like a guy who admires your car; you should be flattered and excited that your choice and taste is admired, and happy that she chose you. Still, she is playing you pretty hard, and you can’t say you didn’t see the warning signs. She appears to have put up a “For Sale by Owner” card in her windshield. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 5
    • DATING Q&A As for your question of “unfaithfulness,” I submit that you need to make that judgment yourself. If you are uncomfortable with her attention to other men, and you’ve made it known to her, and she STILL does it, I’d say that’s her flaunting her power over you. She defies your requests, and she knows you won’t do anything about it. She knows you’re a wimp, and she’s playing you for it, and laughing at you with her defiance. You’re right: All those other guys are going to play along with her need for attention, and so are you, so far. If one of them manages to scoop her away from you, it will be because you ignored the signs. There is a chance she’s just playing the jealousy card with you because she is still invested in your relationship, and she’s trying to give you nuclear weapon-sized indicators that she wants you to get off your ass and attend to her. If you’ve been neglecting her, consider this a bitch-slap wake-up call. Get on the stick and show her a self-confident man who can meet her needs. If you’re going to try and salvage this relationship, I won’t kid you – you’ve got an uphill battle. But if you’re up for a challenge, start with the steps I gave you above. After 4 years, you need to get back to the grass roots of what made her attracted to you in the first place. Start busting her balls and being a little less predictable. Chances are, she knows you better than the missionary position. Give her a little healthy, loving attention, and see what she does with it. Does she change her attitude? The one thing that will sink your relation-ship faster than a cruise missile is her Bad Attitude. You need two people to play this game, if you want to win. The simple explanation is that you are probably at a point where something new or different needs to happen. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Stop. Observe. Think. Instead of jumping from reaction to reaction, break the cycle and SEE what is going on. Only that way will you stand a chance to fix what’s broken. A mechanic doesn’t just put your car up on the lift and start replacing things without looking and listening to the engine. You should be doing the same. (By the way, you don’t have to live in Miami to endure competition. Get used to it. Instead of complaining, get back on your toes, and get your game face on.) Remember: The grass might look greener on the other lawn, but it still needs to be mowed. If her attraction and respect for you has dipped too low, you’re better off © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 6
    • DATING Q&A moving on. You might even consider being the first one and breaking it off now, before she cheats on you or dumps you. VALIDATION Part of our needs as humans is to get validation along the way to assure us and make us feel approved of. We sought this validation and approval from our parents and peers when we were children, and we never really let go of that need when we had to quot;grow up.quot; Limit the amount of approval you need from other people. You can't worry too much about what other people think about you. It's easy to go through life seeking approval and never really accomplish anything because you're trying to please everyone. You can't, and it's a belief that you must leave behind. (Willie Loman in quot;Death of a Salesmanquot; fails to achieve for this same reason. He thinks it's better to be liked that to achieve real lasting success.) What this means for you in dating is that you need to be able to communicate, through subtle and not-so-subtle methods, that you do not need her approval. A woman will not feel attracted to a man if she feels she has power over his sense of self-esteem. How do you communicate this? One way is to find and pursue your own personal interests. This can be as simple as a hobby or a sport interest, like swimming or weight training. The best way you can demonstrate your independence is to have goals outside of a relationship. Having a personal direction or mission (something I discuss at length in my book The Dating Black Book) is immensely attractive for a woman. It shows women that you have a life outside of pursuing them. Hint at a depth they need to explore. The more you seek approval and validation, the more it will elude you. Question: I am recovering from an ex... but I want to see others. I don’t know how to do it! It is incredibly frustrating to be so unsuccessful with women. I don't know how to approach them or how to talk to them! I like this girl at the gym, she's a lifeguard there and a very © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 7
    • DATING Q&A nice girl (from what I hear) So how do I start a conversation with her?!?!?! What do I say, what do I do?! Does anyone know how I can stop being so scared of girls? I still miss my ex after breaking up with her in November. It is quite pathetic but I don’t know what to do! I still call her, and it hurts me to death to hear her talk about other guys and stuff! I know if I had a girl I truly wanted I would not even think twice of her. WHAT DO I DO, PLEASE ALL ADVICE IS NEEDED. ************** First, let me take a guess at something ... SHE broke up with you. How do I know this? You don’t need to be a therapist to see that you’re suffering from “she-broke-my- heart-itis.” And I’ll hesitate another guess that just before the end you probably came on too strong and she started to distance herself. You got more clingy and needy, leading to the eventual breakup. First of all, one thing you’ll learn in detail in my e-book is that you need to learn when and how to take a break. You need a recuperation period after any romantic entanglement. I call this the recharge period, and it's vitally necessary for many reasons: - Your self-esteem is in the crapper. That’s why you feel the urgency to hurry up and get back out there and meet new girls. You’re running a dialog in your head (below your conscious awareness) that makes you believe that since you lost this relationship, you might not get another woman again EVER. It’s not true, man. You did it once; you can do it again. - You really miss her, and that’s all the more reason not to rush out into another relationship. You're right, if you had another girl, you wouldn't think of her. Sure, you tell yourself you’d like to just go out and get laid, but the reality is that you will probably end up dating whoever you DO wind up sleeping with and thus turning her into rebound girl. You’ll realize you probably settled, and you’ll start to feel smothered, and then you’ll realize your mistake and wind up hurting some other poor girl. Stop the mistake before it’s made. This need is created by your falsely lowered self-esteem telling you that you need a replacement girl. What you need is DISTRACTION, not a substitute. - You can't be a whole man until you learn how to live and be happy without a woman in your life. Period. Your recuperation starts here and now. Engage your self-discipline and do the following: © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 8
    • DATING Q&A - Stop calling her. Yeah, I know you’re probably falling victim to that compulsive voice in the back of your head that wants to know ?Is she seeing other people? Do we still have a chance?? If you stay in contact with her you'll only wind up begging for her to reconsider, then tearful mementos at her doorstep, and further supplication on your part. You'll wind up like one of the guys on quot;Scrubs,quot; trading your balls for sex. Every time you get the urge to call her, have a substitute activity that gives you an equal amount of pleasure, such as turning on the X-box (I call this X-therapy) or going out for a bike-ride. Turn your pain into your gain. - Take a few weeks off from women - COMPLETELY. Don't give them a second thought. Don't pressure yourself into picking up or throwing out lines or anything. If you approach Lifeguard girl now, you'll probably blow it because of all this anxiety you've created for yourself. Take a little while and get your game together. When you are ready for Lifeguard girl, or any others, you need to approach her as if she were any other woman. If you build her up to be some kind of Greek Goddess, you'll just be intimidated and spooked on your attempts to talk with her, and you'll also be very unattractive. The cure? TEASE to PLEASE. (Another motto you'll hear me say quite a bit in the future.) Some people call this being cocky and funny, or negative hits, or whatever. The concept is mostly the same, only with my particular flavor. Here's how it works: - Never introduce yourself with a compliment to any woman's physical appearance. The good-looking ones hear it all the time, and the less attractive will smell your game like month-old milk. - Find something about her that you can tease. If it's her hair color, maybe her roots are starting to come in: quot;Hi! You know, I was wondering if the two-tone look was coming back. I was thinking of dying my roots blonde.quot; And give a very obvious sly smile that says you're yanking her chain. Her first response will be to be taken a little aback, but don't let that shake you up. Her overall reaction (the one you can't see) is that she is going to feel attraction and interest for someone that is not coming on to her about her beauty. She gets that all the time, I guarantee it. You MUST be different. Some might say that the tease above is crossing the line of being insulting, and that very well may be true. Try to deliver whatever you say with a playful tone and a smile. Make it as humorous as you can to take the edge off. (This is the key.) Teasing is perfect because it calls back to those days on the playground when you were pulling her pigtails and calling her quot;Pandy-Sandy! Your head is full of Can- deee!quot; Girls take this as a challenge to their self-image (as do men) and it evokes an interesting dynamic from them. Try it and observe it. Men who treat women like they're not attracted to them (i.e., are not in a woozy, starry-eyed love spell) have MORE © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 9
    • DATING Q&A SUCCESS WITH WOMEN. Watch any man who gets results and you'll see what I mean. You have to risk a woman's wrath before you can get her fully engaged in you. If she gets pissed and stalks off, she would have been a downer to hang around with anyway. Can you imagine getting hooked into a miserable relationship with a woman totally lacking a Humor Gland? It boggles the mind, dude. Shoot me now. The problem most guys suffer from is NOT that they don't know what to say or do. You're really suffering from a fear of REJECTION. You could say just about ANYTHING to her and it will be better than saying NOTHING and beating your head about it later. You doubt your own abilities. Stop making women so important, and you'll start to lose this anxiety. I go into oodles and oodles of detail about this and the underlying psychology of dating, posture, attitude ... the A-Z of dating and the male- female dynamic, in my e-book The Dating Black Book. Question: Wassup C- I am a 21 year old college student and have an important question for you that I think everyone might be interested in knowing.. I meet girls left or right be it at the cafeteria, my residence halls, the library, or in class. Getting small talk is easy for me as I am very good at carrying conversation. However if I’m talking to a new honey I still feel like where on the 'stranger' level and that its too soon to get any personal information out of her and too early to be busting her balls... How do I ease into the transition of getting’ to know the girl on a more personal level so that I can eventually get her to write her phone # down.. Is there any particular things that I should say to let her know that I’m not just talking to her for small talk' sake???? Also, another thing. I’m originally from a big city but am attending a college in a small town where the girls aren’t used to being around men of different ethnicities such as me...I know it might be mental but I'm not used to dating Caucasian women and feel inadequate a lot of the times... I feel like since they’re all used to dating Caucasian men, why would they date a dude like me even though I have more game most of the guys they meet. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 10
    • DATING Q&A ********* Great question! First off, congratulations on overcoming one of man's biggest hurdles: jumping right into conversation with women. If you can keep anxiety off this one simple skill, you'll have the advantage on most other men. I believe that most guys start out with this ability (or a little of it anyway) and then proceed to mess it up for themselves by placing far too much importance on their interactions with women. (As if females are some special breed of alien that they need to treat differently.) One of the things I hear all the time is that men often question when it is appropriate to bust on a girl. They say it often doesn't quot;feelquot; right when it's right off the bat. Just remember: It is NEVER too soon to bust her balls. You may have to do it a bit more delicately if it's the first time, but you can. Don't worry; she won't break. Keep in mind there are many purposes behind using the Tease to Please approach. For your situation, you are: 1) Trying to demonstrate that you are not like the rest of the guys who normally approach her. After a while, women get very acclimated to the standard male approach. The more attractive they are, the more they realize they wield the power in your initial interactions. 2) Show her that she won't get cut any slack just for being attractive. Cute girls have always had things given to them based solely on their appearance. You're confident enough to tease her because she isn't a prima-donna in your book. She's just like every other girl, and she has to earn her points just like they do. 3) Trying to bridge the gap of quot;strangerquot; as fast as possible. You don't want her thinking quot;Eww! Stranger!quot; for very long. So you need to overcome this and start building trust (that's what the quot;strangerquot; status is, a lack of trust) you BEHAVE like a man who's known her all her life. How would he behave? He'd tease her and treat her like a bratty sister. In short, you Tease because it's a shortcut to getting her interested, and so you can SKIP small talk and go right for the FUN talk. Small talk is just a way to build trust -- in a very SLOW way. Small talk is what we engage in as a socially acceptable way to demonstrate that we're not threatening or dangerous. quot;How about this weather, huh?quot; Booooring. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 11
    • DATING Q&A There's no reason why you can't just jump past the small talk and assume a higher level of familiarity. You do this with your sense of humor. A man with a lighthearted approach will seem much more easygoing (and trustable) than a man who is uptight and nervous at having to socially interact. You demonstrate that lack of nervousness through your teasing. Also, by teasing, you're giving her the message that SHE has something to prove to YOU, not the other way around. How do you tease her? Well, in a college setting, I can imagine there's a lot of opportunity. As you said, you've got a variety of locations to meet women in. An example in the Library, as she's looking through books: quot;Hey, didn't I see you ditching class in here last period? Aren't you late for Spanish? Or French? Or was it Underwater Basket Weaving...?quot; Give her a sassy smile so she knows you're messing with her. As for racial issues, you are right that small-town thinking can often be a challenge. But you must remember a few things: - I'll bet a high proportion of the girls in that school are not FROM that small town. The locals may have prejudices, but you'd be amazed at the diversity on campus. These are young people with open minds. They want to party, and experiment, and have fun. (Hmm... hang on here ... maybe I need to go back and work on my Masters...) - ALWAYS turn your perception of a hindrance to your benefit. You are unique, and you have to market yourself as such. You need to be the exotic treat on campus - the rare find. Imagine that there's a rumor going around among the girls at school who have not tasted YOUR particular cuisine, and they're all curious to know what it's like. If you want to have some real fun, start that rumor yourself. Remember: Everyone flocks to the exotic dish on the buffet once word gets around. The stale old white bread just gets the frozen butter. The word for you is Attitude. Convey the Attitude of a man who has what women want, and they will assume there's something worth looking into. Act the part of the man you want to be. I salute you for reaching out to learn more and hone your skills with women. Most guys your age are too busy assuming they already know it all. Keep on learning! © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 12
    • DATING Q&A QUESTION Considering the fact that I have not at all been unsuccessful with women , I got really excited when I somehow ended up on your website and listened to the intro. But my lack of success comes from the fact that I am a very short man about 4'2quot; and this puts a lot of women off. Actually some women have admitted to me that if I was a little bit taller they would consider going out with me. Do you think your book will somehow help me out on here? I understand now that women usually prefer men taller than them. But then I cant go on without finding a woman that somehow will like me ... Is there anything I can do to make a woman not to consider my lack of height and Find me attractive? Do you cover such agendas in your book? Awaiting your urgent response. ---------- Let me say this: 1) Will my book help you? Yes. Definitely. The principles help a man regardless of his height. These are principles that every man must be very aware of for long-term (even short-term) success. You have to have a strong inner game right along with your outer game. 2) Do I address how to overcome this particular situation? No, not specifically. You see, there are a set of beliefs that you will wind up working with, no matter what. Your physical situation (which I do not consider a disadvantage, just a challenge depending on your dating goals) is one that has its roots in many common beliefs among men. There are specific strategies to be employed. You never need to be short in spirit or mind, S. (Consider this: Stephen Hawking has been married and remarried, and the man has been totally incapacitated for decades. There are women for EVERYONE.) 3) Remember that you cannot make a woman ignore the obvious. The key to managing your situation is showing her the self-confident man that she will be attracted to. You see, there is the conscious part of her mind that can try to fight with her subconscious mind, the same way many men and women struggle with a relationship © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 13
    • DATING Q&A they know isn't going anywhere, but they feel that crazy attraction that actually rules their actions. That subconscious attraction mechanism is the part that every man has to engage in a woman or she will never truly be yours. One thing you can do is to make your height a source of humor. Don't put yourself down, but make it clear to her in your posture and lighthearted way that your height is not a source of insecurity for YOU. Once she knows YOU it's not a problem for you, she'll be much more interested. Remember: Women pick up on insecurity faster than Jennifer Lopez changes wedding plans. May I recommend the following: 1) Keep reading the newsletters and perhaps try my e-zine on Self-confidence. Your question has even brought it to my attention that I need to write an e-zine on overcoming personal challenges. (Which is something ALL men have to do, in varying degrees, by the way.) 2) Get my e-book. I guarantee it will help you in skills as well as understanding, and you can be the judge of the information therein. In addition, I give two free email counseling sessions where we can delve into your situation much more deeply. QUESTION: Ok, you go somewhere where there are a bunch of people. In the corner of your eye you see the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. in your mind you want to just go over there and start talking to her and screw her brains out. or ask her out or whatever. How do you get that conversation going? And how do you let her know that you are really interested in her, and show her that you aren't a shallow @#%$, only wanting to get in her pants? If you know this, you gotta share with me how to do it. The farthest I usually get is, quot;Hey how's it goin?quot; then that awkward silence that we all have experienced. ----------------------------------- quot;Hey, how's it going?quot; Is that the best you can do? Hey, how's it going? I'll personally guarantee you that she hears this and about 30 other lame quot;linesquot; ever single day. And you wonder why there's an awkward silence there, huh? © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 14
    • DATING Q&A C'mon, guys. It's time to start THINKING. You have to stand out and be DIFFERENT. Beautiful women get approached ALL THE TIME (and even the above-average ones) so you had better set yourself apart better than that. The first thing she's wondering is, quot;Why is this sorry chump talking to me?quot; That's what you're not hearing in that awkward silence. Instead, try this: Walk over and ask her what time it is, without facing her. (Keep your body language neutral so she doesn't immediately assume you're there to lick her boots.) If she has the time, ask her about her watch. Where'd she get it, etc. Then start busting her balls. quot;That isn't one of those fake Rolex's is it?quot; Do it nicely, so it doesn't come across as an insult. If she doesn't have the time, you start busting her balls right there. quot;What, can't you afford a watch?quot; (With a smile.) quot;Look, I'll tell you what, I just took over the CEO position at IBM and AT&T, and I MIGHT be able to get you a job there. Can you cook?quot; BLAM! Instant killer approach, with next to no effort. If she gets bitchy on you, you bust her chops for that. If your game is weak and your knees tremble when you're around hot women, then just start getting used to approaching her. Get acclimated, and then you can work your way up. Take it from there. If you don't know how to tease, you'll never make it with the hot women. You have to break through their defenses. And, quot;Hey, how's it going?quot; is NOT going to get you there. I'm not saying you need to start using lame lines, but it's readily apparent that this particular intro has absolutely no forethought in it. And even worse, it's obvious that there's no followup for it if there's a silence afterwards. You could use this opener without any problem if you'll only THINK about what the follow-up should be. quot;Hey, how's it going?quot; quot;Fine.quot; quot;Great, because I can only give you about five minutes to impress the heck out of me before the next batch of supermodels gets here to take me to a party. Pretend you're auditioning for a role on Joe Bachelor Millionaire. Ready? Go.quot; Pretend to start taking notes on a napkin. Now there's a follow-up that makes the quot;How's it going?quot; line work a little better. Think. THINK THINK THINK. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 15
    • DATING Q&A And don't be so concerned about showing her that you're not a quot;shallow @#%$,quot; because that's more transparent than showing her you are. Understand? Think about it: When you come from a place where you are doing nothing but trying to show her you're NOT something, that presumes that you ARE and you're covering it up. Why else would you be working so hard to show her you're NOT...? Let me tell you, she smells this a mile away. It's like month-old milk, dude. You have to stop letting these debilitating beliefs infect your mind. Women know men want sex. The game we must play is to NOT show this need up front - to not make it more important than the game she needs YOU to play to get there. That doesn't mean go out of your way to appear as if you don't want sex, or that you're some kind of feminist sympathizer. It means that the unspoken assumption is that you both want to f*ck like rabbits - AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. If you act like there is something wrong with that, you're making her wonder what kind of manipulating bastard you must be. It comes across to her subconscious that you're not congruent and you're untrustworthy. What you have to focus on is making her feel good about herself FIRST. Make her understand that you are different by the way you treat her as a unique woman. Hot and tasty, yes, but UNIQUE. If she smells fear, desperation, lack of control, lack of direction, lack of confidence, or any of the male traits that tells her you're not an Alpha Dog, she's going to chuck you in the mental trash heap with the rest of the guys she lets buy her drinks, only to go home and masturbate to her memory. Remember: It's more insulting to a woman to deny what you both know is going on because that makes her think you're just being MORE deceitful and untrustworthy than the guys who are at least honest with their motivation. This is why most guys who say they just quot;want to be themselvesquot; with women are LYING and DECEITFUL. Why? Because they're using more indirect and underhanded measures to get women to like them. They buy them dinners and they buy them flowers and they compliment them and they bend over backwards ... This equates to one thing: You're trading goods for sexual favors. In her mind, this means that you're courting her. She will interpret this to mean you're trying to MATE with her. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 16
    • DATING Q&A Instead, keep a safe distance, and work to get her attracted first. (You guys know this from the book. Attraction MUST come first.) Don't make the mistake most guys do - of trying to do the wrong things just because you think they OUGHT to work. Do ONLY what WORKS. quot;How do I know if a girl is interested in me? I find it hard to read her attraction to me when I'm so busy trying to show her my self-confidence?quot; The key to this question is understanding your correct attitude: You don't NEED her to like you. It's okay to WANT it, but don't become so attached to every encounter with a woman that you end up NEEDING her to like you. That's the train to nowhere, and it will leave soon if you even begin to go that route. There are many indicators of a girl's interest in you. You just have to know where to look. The primary three are these: 1 - Actions (What she does that indicates her interest obviously) 2 - Words (what she says to you) 3 - Body language (what she does that indicates her interest subtly) These are also in order. You trust her actions first, her words next, and her body language after that. If you're getting clear buying signals in her actions, ignore her words. If you get interest from her words, ignore her body movements. Your last resort is to interpret her body language. 1) The first indicator is her actions to tell you she likes you. Always watch what she does first, and ignore her words if they don't jive with the way she behaves. Here are a short list of quot;she's interestedquot; indicators: - She touches you or leans in close - She makes it a point to smell your cologne - She takes you along with her to another bar/dance club - She initiates conversation with you - She asks for your number (but only if she asks before or after giving hers. If she refuses to give you her number, she's not interested.) - She looks you over (especially glances at your mouth) 2) The next thing you listen to is her words. What does she say to you? Here's a list of things that indicate her interest verbally: © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 17
    • DATING Q&A - She asks a lot of questions about you - She talks about sexual topics (without you initiating them) - She uses very sensual words when describing you - She tells you secrets (indicating trust) 3) This next list is more difficult, since you will have to refine your radar as to what her body language is saying. It's much more subtle, and more difficult to read. Again, I always suggest that you make sure to judge her body language only when you have no other evidence to help you out. Here are some buying indicators: - Occasional glance(s) from far away - Looks at you a few times (flickering glances at your lips) - Holds your gaze for a moment with no words - Looks down, then away - Goes out of her way to laugh with you - Posture changes, looks alert - Covers her mouth or touches her face - Adjusts hair, attire - Faces you - Alert, energetic - Pupils are dilated - Open posture (arms uncrossed) Remember that your primary indication of interest from any woman is in her behavior. No matter what she says, if she isn't DOING the things that a woman that would do who is interested (smiles and talks to you, shows interest, gives you her phone number, etc.) she isn't REALLY interested. She's just trying to not hurt your feelings. Results are the TRUTH! © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 18
    • DATING Q&A PAIN MANAGEMENT I was snowboarding in Lake Tahoe a few weeks back, and there was a demonstration of chin-ups by some Marines to boost enlistment. They had the Marines hummer there, as well. I noticed the t-shirt one of the guys had on, and the message was brutally honest and clear: quot;Pain is the sensation of weakness leaving your body.quot; That got me thinking about the nature of pain, and how it functions in dating and seduction. The most important thing for a man to do as he learns how to handle women is to keep his head on straight. Keep your attitude healthy, because that will be the ultimate weapon in this war of the sexes. You must keep yourself on the positive upward spiral. The way you handle your pain in the singles world is critical to your overall success. How do you view pain? Do you avoid pain at all costs? Do you find yourself seeking only pleasure and staying away from circumstances that could potentially cause you pain? I address the pain/pleasure motivational spectrum in my e-book, THE DATING BLACK BOOK, and I want to help you through a little of your own anguish here today. How you handle it will ultimately determine your success. You see, you have to be willing - and even a little eager, as sick as that sounds - to go through a little discomfort to get to your goals with women. Men don't have the built-in sexual instincts that women are brought up with. Women study this stuff every week, from Teen magazine to Cosmopolitan, to know how the game works and how to win. They've always had the upper hand. Guys just start out at a natural disadvantage in dating and sex. As young men, we focus on being strong providers and enjoying ourselves, playing football and 'reading' Penthouse from time to time. Our sexual education is mostly comprised of a few bad porno movies, or our embarrassed father trying to explain the birds and the bees. (My dad's attempt was pretty awful.) Women get busy as soon as they discovered that Ken dolls were not anatomically correct, and they learn how to collaborate with other women about the drama of their relationships for enjoyment. To get better at the game of dating and seduction, think of it being something like when Michael Jordan decided he wanted to switch from basketball to baseball. Remember how he tried for the major leagues, but he had to go back to the minors to prove himself? You need to understand that YOU have to go back to the minor league, too. You need to get a few bumps and bruises, and then you can deal with her in the © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 19
    • DATING Q&A major leagues. (Unlike Michael, you CAN and WILL make it to the major leagues in this sport if you keep learning and improving.) So how do you manage the pain? First of all, realize that the ONLY pain you feel when you're out there in the quot;datingquot; world is all self-induced. YOU are the one making yourself feel bad or inadequate 95% of the time. Understand that most women NEVER do the things you are afraid of just for walking up and talking to her, like slapping you or throwing a drink in your face. As long as you're not a complete idiot and don't come on too strong, women will give you a chance about 99% of the time. All of the rejection you are so worried about is made up, and absolutely none of it reflects on you as a person. So how do you contend with the constant disappointment and mixed messages? Pain management is your answer. Set a threshold of emotional investment with women so that you limit your potential pain from them. If you find it difficult to flirt and hit on the ladies because it's too painful, back off a bit. Just say quot;Hi!quot; as you pass them on the street. Reduce your energy output so that you don't feel impacted by her response. When you get sufficiently recharged, you can then start to risk more contact with her again, and you'll feel more up to the challenge. Another form of pain management is to ensure that you interpret women's reactions correctly. It's easy and tempting to read too much into a woman's behavior, and even more difficult to not take her reactions too seriously. Remember that while you're trying to get into her bed, you should never try to get into her head. You need to keep your observation of her behavior based only on the results you get. Watch only what she DOES, not what she says. Her actions will tell you what she is feeling, even when her words seem to contradict. If you get caught up in the game of trying to figure out why she didn't call, or why she always flirts with other guys when you're around, you'll create a lot of pain for yourself. Stay as detached from her as possible at the early stages so you can avoid getting misdirected. The rule for pain management is the same as it is on Wall Street: Only invest as much as you can afford to lose. Too many guys get into trouble by putting too much of an emotional investment out there, and then when they don't get the response they feel entitled to, they turn bitter and angry. Don't make this mistake. Manage your pain, and you'll be able to stay in the game longer, and your endurance and tolerance will rise dramatically - as will your results. You'll feel your weaknesses around women leaving you with each step you take. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 20
    • DATING Q&A Here's a bonus strategy: To keep your attitude and sense of self and fulfillment up - and the pain controlled - take the opportunity to create a zone in your world to affirm your value. What you need to do is create an Ego Wall. An Ego Wall is a place where you hang your awards, certificates, diplomas, pictures, plaques, etc. - all the things that pump up your opinion and belief in yourself. On my Ego Wall I've got pictures of me snowboarding, skydiving, my day at a race car school, my college diploma, my martial arts certificates, etc. It's affirming to me, and when other women see it, they understand that I'm not just waiting around on the sidelines of life - I go out and actively pursue what I want. This is immensely attractive to women. Make yourself an ego-wall to help you through those painful moments in your learning process. And remember: Pain is nothing more than the sensation of weakness leaving your body. Manage that pain. The Point System The most important part of dating for men is maintaining a good attitude, and a correct attitude. It's one thing to not be bitter when you face rejection and your fears with women, but it's another to make sure that you're keeping up your posture. In short, your posture is your overall status level with a woman. Your posture can range from total supplicating wimp on the left end of the scale, and hardcore self- interested jerk on the far right. You are shooting for something a bit over to the right of center when you first start dating a gal, and you ease off until you are at a good equilibrium somewhere near the middle. One of the most effective tactics for letting a woman know that you are self- confident is by showing her that you are not the kind of guy who takes whatever is handed to him. You have standards, and she has to live up to them. The tactic I'm about to teach you is exceptionally effective, as it communicates your posture right away. (This technique is also an excellent variation of the quot;neg-hitquot; or negative hit technique where you let a woman know she isn't getting any breaks for being attractive.) The Point System goes a little like this: © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 21
    • DATING Q&A John is at a bar with Mary, who he just started talking to. He's been talking to her for a few minutes, and there seems to be a good vibe. Here's their interaction: John: quot;So, I've always thought of snowboarding as more free-form than skiing. You can do quite a bit more freestyle activity. Of course a lot of skiers tend to complain about snowboarders.quot; Mary: quot;Sure. I've been skiing all my life, and I've never really had any problem with 'boarders. They're like the hippies of the slopes.quot; John: (Nodding.) quot;Hmm. That's a good analysis. You just scored a few points with me. I might be seen skiing with you.quot; (smile) Or, John: quot;Let's see, the best movie I've seen lately was 'Daredevil.' I think Ben Affleck handled the role very well. Mary: quot;Oh, I saw that last weekend, too. I liked it a lot, too.quot; John: (Looking impressed) quot;Wow! I'm impressed. You scored some points there. A woman who appreciates a good super hero movie.quot; Now, you see what is happening here: John made it clear that he is not out to win Mary's approval. She has to win HIS. By telling her that she scored some points with him, he's also telling her that he wasn't so sure about her. She has to WORK to gain some credibility with him. John comes across as more valuable since he is not a free commodity. He's sending a subtle communication to her that he is not like other guys. Use this maybe once or twice in your conversation, and don't overdo it. The trick of this is to make sure that you aren't giving her too much confidence along the way by awarding her too many quot;points.quot; She has to wonder where she stands with you. The best way to do this (and it's required to complete this strategy) is to take away points from her later in the conversation and see how she responds to the challenge. Mary: quot;I'm not a big fan of Jackie Chan.quot; John: (Shaking his head.) quot;Uh-oh. I'm going to have to take a few points off for that. How can you not like Jackie?quot; John just communicated his implied disapproval with her, and if Mary is at all interested in him, she'll come back with something to try and win those points back. If she wants John, she'll also want his approval. There is always the danger of this tactic coming across as arrogant, so handle the delivery fairly delicately. It's best to have something to say immediately following the quot;You scored pointsquot; line so that it takes a little of the edge off and it's not hanging out there, waiting to be shot down. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 22
    • DATING Q&A Be aware that many women aren't used to having this kind of role reversal used on them. They will test you on it with a slightly indignant tone. quot;What? I'M scoring points? Ha!quot; (What she's saying without words is that she wants the control, and doesn't take kindly to your attempt to keep it.) How do you handle this? To begin with, you must not act even slightly affected by her attempts to call you on it. If you lose your humor, or start to look uncertain, you'll have flunked the test, and she'll know that you were just posturing. On the other hand, if you stand your ground, you can handle this without missing a beat. Your best strategy is to pause for a few seconds, while looking her in the eye, and then chuckle to yourself. Then, when she says, quot;I'M scoring points!? Right, buster,quot; you can say: quot;Hmm, up until then you were.quot; quot;Uh-oh. Looks like the princess thinks I'm full of it. Maybe you're testing me.quot; quot;Is this how you charm all the guys?quot; quot;Hmm. Now why would you say that?quot; The best response to her test is a negative hit that lets her understand that 1) She doesn't intimidate you and you aren't backing down, and 2) you will do it politely and with a good sense of humor (no bitterness or resentment). I, personally, will walk away from women who act indignant when I let them know that I'm not a supplicating wimp. It's obvious at that point that she'll probably be high- maintenance from the start, and you can only expect that she'll have a death grip on the steering wheel of any dating relationship. She's inflexible, and probably a control freak with an over-inflated opinion of herself. Used judiciously, the Point System will help you weed out the women with poor attitudes, as well as improve your posture in the eyes of the ones with good attitudes. Remember, no woman ever wants what comes easily, and if she expects you to bow to her superiority, you want nothing to do with her. QUESTION: My ex G/F of six years just recently stopped speaking to me and will not even acknowledge me. We broke up over a year ago but still would see each other from time to time. Usually we spend the weekend together we still went places and did things like © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 23
    • DATING Q&A we used to but it was mainly for the incredible sex. We always ended up in a screaming yelling fight and she usually pack her @#%$ a leave. She allways seemed to come back to our motel room a while later ands tell me if I could calm down she would stick around. Any way I have been an evil bastard to her as result of her negetive and sh*tty atituted towards me. No matter how civil I am she always finds an excuse to be a bitch which eventually results in me losing my temper and calling her names and using all the things she has told me about herself against her. She is very insecure and can not handle being called things like a sweaty pig or a stinky dirty slut. She has finally stopped talking to me she will respond to my email or ansewr my phone calls. I dont understand this because last time we spoke I did not flip out even though she was a totol bitch. The only thing I did was ask if she was seeing anyone new which resulted in her hanging up on me and we havn't spoke since. I did leave a few nasty voice mails and send her a pretty @#%$ email. Can [you] give me an Idea of how I might get her to speak with me again after all she is a great lady and at one time was my best friend. -------------------------------------- Good gosh. You're kidding me, right? It's bad enough you didn't even spell-check that gruesome tirade ... Let me get this straight: You mean to tell me you called this woman a quot;sweaty pigquot; and a quot;stinky dirty slut,quot; you lose your temper, you leave nasty voice mails and emails, you dredge up the dirt from her past, and you expect her to respect you or be interested in being your friend? You call her vile names to her face, and you then tie it all up with quot;she is a great ladyquot; and once your quot;best friendquot;? (Insert look of complete astonishment here) (Insert shaking of head and rolled eyes) (Insert sound of hysterical laughter) Dude, if I were talking to her right now, I'd tell her to run for the hills and get as far away from you as humanly possible. No joke. She may be insecure, but it appears to me that she's mostly reacting to the gasoline that you're pissing on her campfire. Is this how you treat your quot;friendsquot;? © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 24
    • DATING Q&A Seek some anger management. Your temper and anger is a problem. You have no idea how a lack of emotional control will cripple you in life - and with women. The one thing healthy women desire is your emotional control, because they will test you with freakish emotional outbursts that make Liza Minelli look like Ghandi on Valium. You're ducking out your responsibility for your portion by pretending that you only acted as a quot;result of her negative and sh*tty attitudequot; towards you. You both have a claim in this, and your emotional control is always your responsibility. When you've lost that, you've become a reactive pit bull, a violent emotional grenade that's looking to have his pin pulled. It seems to me like you've used up all your second chances with this woman. Sometimes the most amazing thing to me isn't what women will put up with, but what a man expects that he can get away with dishing out. Quite frankly, I'm amazed you two lasted for six years. Don't get me wrong; I'm not siding with either one of you, but you've made it pretty clear that your relationship was probably about as dysfunctional as Angelina Jolie and Billie-Bob Thornton's doomed marriage. Out of her insecurity, she manipulates you to have an emotional outburst, which you conveniently provide, and start the whole psychotic gambit all over again. How you can get her to speak with you again? Gee, let me use some freakin' common sense here. Maybe stop abusing her? STOP being such an emotional child. Clean up your attitude and treat her with respect and dignity - even if she DOESN'T treat you this way. And if she ever does talk to you again (which you frankly don't deserve, no matter how much of a quot;bitchquot; she may have been in the past) you better remember how fortunate you are, even when she's yanking on your grenade pin. Ask yourself one question: Are you behaving like a person who she should talk to? Answer that truthfully. Sorry for the wet slap of reality, dude, but it sounds like you need it. I usually don't jump into quot;relationship dynamics,quot; but this situation seemed to beg for it. There is a dynamic here, by the way, and one worth noting. You see, when things go wrong in a long-term relationship, there is never just one person who screwed it up - it was a joint effort. Guaranteed. In fact, if you want a great test for a woman you're dating to see if she's quot;relationshipquot; material, ask her this: quot;So tell me, why did your last relationship end?quot; (First of all, you're beating her to the punch, since this is a standard first-date screening © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 25
    • DATING Q&A question. Second, it puts her on the defense for a moment.) Listen VERY carefully to her answer. If she absolves herself of all responsibility and refuses to acknowledge HER role in the disintegration of a previous relationship, you should consider that a red flag. You may be dealing with a woman with issues, and if she's unable to see her part of the responsibility, then she's liable to not take any responsibility with you either. (You see, even if her last boyfriend was a complete nut case and it sounds like it was mostly HIS behavior that screwed things up, you have to wonder why she stayed with him. If it was for anything more than sex, she probably has self-esteem issues.) Remember that we tend to bring out the best and WORST in the people we date. A relationship is a catalyst for all the crazy insecurities you can dredge up. The more you have, the more you rub against hers, and that's where you start to see the problems. Take the time to get your emotional control in order first, because that's most important. Then you can deal much more rationally with any of the insanity you'll encounter out there when you're with other women. QUESTION: There is a woman who says that she loves me she knows I am married but she keep asking me what I want from her. I told her I would like to make love to her but she wants to hear more. -------------------------------------- Get out of your marriage and then make love to all the women you want. But don't ask me to condone dishonorable behavior like cheating on your wife. You should have considered this more BEFORE you said, quot;I do.quot; Otherwise, take your medicine. You made a commitment, so stick with it. (Oh, and watch quot;Fatal Attractionquot; a few times so you can get an inkling of what this other woman could do to your life if you screw around. You’d be lucky if she didn’t cut your dick off.) © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 26
    • DATING Q&A QUESTION: I hope you can help me. I have looked everywhere and figured only you guys will probably have the answer. I'm looking for a professional definition of the phrase quot;The Wing Man!quot; I was surprised to see it wasn't anywhere on your site. -------------------------------------- Here, I'll give you the classic and modified versions: A Wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles outings (like to bars) that helps you out with the women. Typically in these ways: - Since women often travel in pairs or packs, your wingman helps you approach them without feeling weird about being solo. - The wingman will sometimes take the least attractive gal of the pair you approach so that you can get the one you want. (Though, this is not always necessary.) - The wingman gives you social proof - or validation that you are a trustable man, not some drifter in town just to get laid. - A wingman helps by motivating you to get away from the television and go out to practice your skills on women, and you do the same for him. - The wingman can also be a more skilled seducer, a man from whom you can learn a great deal by flying at his side. Keep in mind that a wingman should never be too inexperienced or he will hold you back. (Unless you are mentoring him.) I don't watch a lot of television, but I understand that there is a Bud Light commercial where they have a pretty good parody of the wingman taking quot;one for the teamquot; by suffering at the table with a lame gal while his partner is out dancing with a hottie. That's one of the situations a wingman can be put in, but the learning and support system is unbelievable if you do it right. Your wingman is an invaluable assistant for you (and you for him), so don't underestimate the value of finding one that you can work with. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 27
    • DATING Q&A QUESTION: I had a girlfriend of a year and a half. We are over 10 years apart- I am older. we grew to love each other and had a good relationship- I met the parents and the whole nine. Recently she is moving to NY to go to school and broke up with me saying she just isn't girlfriend material right now. I guess she just wants to experience other guys and life and grow right? I was also clingy and wasn't being a go-getter in our relationship I admit- I was being very anti-exciting and anti-ambitious, wasn't keeping my word about what I was going to do and she mentioned that too. I know that contributed to her losing interest too. Meanwhile, she is really go-getting and doing her thing and achieving. What do you think I should do to get her back and how? what do you think about the whole situation and how I could build myself up and be more appealing to her and get back in with her? How do I make a woman feel protected? how do I not just give into her way all the time (one of the things I did too that I know helped spell the end) and show my anger appropriately and show that I have backbone? Lemme know please. Give it to me straight, no chaser. -------------------------------------- Hey, I'll even give it to you shaken, not stirred. There's an interesting saying: You know you have someone special when you want to be a better person for them. There's only one problem: You don't have her. So your desire to - as you say - quot;build yourself up for herquot; is driven from a need for redemption. Yes, she probably wants to go out and (as Chris Rock says) get some dick. I don't know how old she is, and I suspect she probably does need to sow some wild oats. But even if that weren't the case, you haven't exactly been keeping the home fires burning, now have you? Hindsight is most definitely 20/20. So let's go through the mistakes and how to correct them: 1) Clingy. Clingy is BAD. Don't cling. This puts women into a mode where they wonder if you are capable of protecting them. A real man is independent. He stands on his own, even when he's with a woman. THAT, my friend, is how you make a woman feel protected. You show her a man that doesn't need her approval to be the person you are. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 28
    • DATING Q&A 2) Not a go-getter. You need to find a little ambition in your life, dude. Women are attracted to ambition because it's an Alpha male trait, indicating that you are a survivor, provider, and protector. It's rather complicated how these attitudes are connected, but suffice to say that a lack of ambition indicates passivity and the opposite indicates an active disposition. Get involved in something in life. Find your passion. Women are attracted to men who are chasing their dreams because it allows them to latch on to your excitement and energy. One warning: Just as women love to tag along with a man who has passions other than her, many like to divert his attention from those passions back over to HER as a method of proving their control and her importance to you. Don't fall for this trap. Once she's pulled your attention off your passions, she'll leave you because you'll have lost her interest. I'd think after all this the answer should be obvious: Reverse your errors and demonstrate the opposite of those qualities you just mentioned. Demonstrate independence. Get a little fire and ambition. Get out there and DO something. Do some exciting things. Show some backbone and refuse her requests from time to time. I'll be brutally honest: Once you've lost a woman's interest, especially by acting in all the counter-productive ways you've listed, you've got nearly zero chance of reclaiming her attraction. And, even if she did give you a quot;second chance,quot; you'd have to be able to maintain a consistent strength and power about you, because at the first indication that you might slip into your old quot;wimpquot; mode, she would disappear faster than Saddam Hussein in a sandstorm. She would test you constantly, and take you for granted at every turn. Respect, once lost, can almost never be regained. You're much better off developing your attitude (may I highly recommend THE DATING BLACK BOOK to help you get there?) and giving the benefit of your newfound strength to a new woman who will appreciate it. Because it's doubtful your ex ever will. The best you can ever hope to accomplish is to become the kind of person you know you need to, and then let her see the new you - without making it obvious that you're trying to win her back. You see, even if you were to change for the better, if she thinks you did it just to win her, you won't win her respect. She'll just think you're a complete supplicating approval-seeking wimp that she can manipulate. Act from your own center, © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 29
    • DATING Q&A not her opinion of you, and make it clear to her that this is your source. Only then do you stand a chance of her taking notice and becoming interested again. Sometimes the price we pay for our errors is this kind of pain and regret after the fact. Instead of chasing her down and putting yourself down another painful path, you need to take this pain and frustration and let it FUEL YOUR CHANGE - to correct the next situation. Let it change you for the better instead of chasing down and trying to right your mistakes. They're over with. Move on. QUESTION: First off, I recently purchased the dating black book and it's a masterpiece. I've still got a lot to read but the insight it's given so far (not even half way in) is more than worth the price. A few weeks later ... I thought I'd drop in and visit this Russian girl. She was there, but she actually had the night off. .. so I invited her to come back to the party with me. We had some great conversation and she was touching me quite a bit although, I kinda got the impression that she thought of me as a player. End of the night (4am) we decided it was time to go home. We hugged and I put her in a cab. I never asked for her number because I got the impression that this girl had some baggage. So basically for the past few months I've been seeing her at her work place once or twice a week after the bar (when I'm a bit buzzed) and we've been hanging out. This has progressed to her hanging out at my place late night after her work to her sleeping over with me in my bed, but get this - all we do is cuddle! None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on. She opened up to me one night and told me that she was in an abusive relationship and I think it screwed her up big time in the trust department. We hang out in the day sometimes and we have a great time. She loves to walk so we do a lot of that. Other times we'll just rent a movie and she'll always snuggle up to me or lie on my chest. I'm always joking around with her and she laughs her head off. I tease her quite a bit and she loves my sense of humor - she's said it's exactly what she'd want in her ideal man. She's also told me that she finds me to be good looking. She knows that I date 2-3 times/wk and if the phone rings while she's over she always wants to know who it was. She's not seeing anyone right now, but sometimes she'll make it a point to tell me about some interesting guy who stopped by her work without going into any detail. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 30
    • DATING Q&A This girl is a model part-time and she's pretty damn hot so that doesn't help things either. What the heck do I do with this? She's moving away at the end of the summer. Can I get some action before she goes or should I just cut off the sleepovers and forget about her? I really do like her, but I'd never tell her that. I'm not sure that I'd want to date her (although it already kind of feels like we are sans action), but we could definitely have more fun. Not even sure how this happened. This is bizarre because I've never just quot;sleptquot;(literally) in the same bed with a girl(a hot girl no less). Is she just playing with me? She has a 4-day modeling/acting shoot in Montreal (about a 2 hour car ride). Should I go with her? I'm leaning towards a yes because I know we'd have a really good time. Confused as all heck ----------------------------- All right, I’m going to get real with you on this one, because there are a lot of areas to clear up. Get scrubbed, because we’re going into the dating O.R. (operating room, for you non E.R. watching fools... like me...) 1) If you get the vibe that a girl has baggage YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT! Most guys have decent baggage-radar, but they choose to ignore the massive ping signals they get. Remember that there are pros and cons to these women. The only real quot;proquot; is that she's probably got bruised self-esteem, and you might score based on that alone. But that's a bit vulture-ous, and I would avoid the possible aftermath. The big quot;Conquot; to this situation is that she's got issues, and that means she'll monkey with your head and wind up spinning YOU around to the tune of her games. (And she has, my friend.) Abusive relationships have turned this girl into a HEAD CASE. Sometimes also known as DAMAGED GOODS. She feels inadequate and unworthy. 2) You say: quot;None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on.quot; Well, DUH! Yeah, neither can I! What's going through that head of yours? She's basically turned you into her sex-less little girlfriend. She can weep on your shoulder, use you for bed and breakfast and pretend like she's jealous when you've got another woman interested in you, but basically what she's got is you wrapped around her finger. Don't tell me - you're not getting any from the other women you're dating either, primarily because this hot one takes up all your mental bandwidth. quot;But I want her...quot; he says to himself all the time. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 31
    • DATING Q&A 3) Early on, you got buying indicators (touching, etc.) but you chose to ignore them. When you failed to take action on those, her female mental processes started switching you off as a sex-buddy and you were starting to be thrown into that quot;friendquot; bin. She says you're quot;good lookingquot;? Great. That's the consolation prize every woman who won't put out likes to give. Not that you're probably not, but she's just trying to tell you that in some way, her damaged psyche is telling her that she has issues in her self- worth. Women who are broken this way often like to edify men and then refuse themselves the ones they try to convince themselves they SHOULD want. Bottom line: She's not feeling gut-level attraction for you. She hasn't since that first night when you needed to keep moving in. (Read the article in this book on Always Advancing Your Assault.) I was going to advise you to go ahead and just bust a move on her and move in, no excuses. Either get what you need with no shame, or boot her the hell out. Enough of this walking-the-fence-crap. If you're looking for some sex, hit it and quit it. Time for her to choose which team she's on. But I think the more important step for you is to cut her off and move on. Ultimately, that will have the most validation and positive impact to your nervous system. You're starting to slide down the slippery slope of wimpiness, and I want you to gather some of your confidence back. Sometimes the best way to do that is to cut off someone who's damaging to you. Regain some of your pride and self-confidence by proving that you can TURN HER DOWN. If you don't you're going to start reinforcing an image of yourself that says that 1) this treatment is okay, and 2) You can't do any better. This is a dangerous fork in the road, my friend. I've been there myself, and I've seen others come to it. To the left is quot;Nice Guyquot;-ville. This is where your masculinity evaporates, and your once-happening sex and dating life with it. The media and shitty romantic comedies have almost convinced you to go over to this dark side. Pretty soon, you'll believe that men are really bad - they abuse women, and start wars, and rape women, and damage the environment ... To the right is your possible route to being an Alpha Male again. You don't capitulate to women. Here's your prescription: First, stop the sleepovers. Now. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 32
    • DATING Q&A Don't date her. If you don't stop this now you're going to wind up as one of those sorry case examples that I end up using to correct another situation. Instead, be the good example that corrects his situation and gets back in the game. Reclaim your balls from her and get to it. Next, re-read the section of the e-book where I talk about quot;Trustquot; and the Therapist Trap. Do NOT go with her on this trip. You said you think you'll have a great time? Does this sound like a quot;greatquot; time to you: - She continues to use you - You don't get any sex - Your balls progressively inflate and turn blue - And you don't get any other kind of connection with a woman that can give you what you want because you're too busy playing Tom Hanks to her weepy dysfunctional Meg Ryan. Every minute you spend with Ms. Cuddles is another minute you aren't getting what you want. She's turned into your pet project. You're thinking you can turn her around, or still get something out of this, after all, you've sunk so much effort in this far... Ask yourself: How much longer are you going to accept losing? Remember the ultimate loser affirmation: quot;Yeah, I know, but...quot; BUT what? Get out! Do you have any idea how many reasonably SANE and attractive women there are out there who WILL have sex with you and give you the complete package? If you did, you wouldn't be in this situation. 'Nuff said, homey. QUESTION: How come you say looks do not matter? Look at all these guys. They say the looks do matter, and they are players. --------------------- © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 33
    • DATING Q&A (First of all, let me fill in some blanks for the readers. This email came in with a couple of articles and postings about how men’s looks DO matter. And he's contesting that looks do matter when I've said before that looks don't really matter.) Well, gee, golly, let me check my ID card here... uh-huh. That's what I thought. It says, quot;I'm a playerquot; too. Wow! What a co-inky-dink. It's time for a little lesson here, because SOME people are having a difficult time understanding what quot;looksquot; really are and mean. There is the first kind of quot;looksquot; which is your PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS. Does this matter? Sure it does. No one is going to argue that good looks won't help you in life. That's a fact. HOWEVER... Your looks are only going to get your foot in the door. (Fact: have you ever seen food that looked great but tasted like shit? Think about it.) Look at Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson... Look at Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. Look at ... aw, hell, just about any couple you know that makes you go, quot;HUH???quot; The second kind of looks is your APPEARANCE. How neat do you dress? Do you have nice shoes? A good haircut? Did you trim those Daddy-Longlegs hairs that were sprouting out of your nose and ears? The third kind of looks is the AURA OF CONFIDENCE that you project. THIS is THE MOST IMPORTANT KIND OF LOOKS! You'll get laid more often with these looks and decent APPEARANCE looks than you will with PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS alone. Re-read that until it sinks in. I suspect most of you already KNOW this, but it's easier for some to keep frowning and sulking, kicking the ground and whining about how all the good looking women go for the good looking guys. Gosh, it's just not FAIR. WRONG! Their good quot;looksquot; help, but it's their ALPHA MALE behavior that projects this. What these guys got was a little cocky and confident about their ability with women because their looks gave them a good start - maybe a couple feet difference in the starting blocks. And then they got this experience reinforced over time. That experience increased their confidence. And up and up and up... © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 34
    • DATING Q&A If I had a dime for every guy I knew who was good looking but totally f*&$ing up his singles life because he was a wimp - a NICE GUY - I'd be friggin' rich. I kid you NOT. You'll get laid more often with your ATTITUDE/POSTURE and the APPEARANCE looks you have than you will with PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS alone. The point of my point is that if you have looks, great. But you still need more. If you don't have looks, great. You can overcome this with the right attitude. Don't understand? Then you're not getting quot;IT.quot; The quot;ITquot; I'm talking about is pervasive in this newsletter, and it's explained fully in my e-book. The IT is your ATTITUDE, my friends. NOTHING is more important. And I'm going to give you some proof very soon of that through some experiments I've been conducting on hotornot.com and Match.com. By the tone of your email, dear reader, you're looking to do one of two things: Prove me wrong (keep trying), or Prove yourself right - in some mistaken belief that looks are your biggest problem. News flash: If you think your looks are holding you back, then guess what? They ARE going to hold you back. Subconsciously and consciously. On the other hand, if you act as though your looks are NOT holding you back, they won't. Your attitude will jump up a couple notches, SHE will sense it, and you'll start getting laid. Then you'll get your proof that looks are just a visitor's pass, and even the best looking guys get dropped FAST if they act like wimps. Henry Ford said: quot;Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're probably right.quot; Oh, and one more thing to contemplate - What if it were true that women went for better looking guys? Ask yourself: What if this were true? There are two kinds of guys out there: 1) The kind that would accept this belief and piss and moan about it - using it as their sole excuse in life for not being an Alpha Man and getting what they want. quot;I'm not gorgeous, so gorgeous women won't want me. Boo-hoo.quot; Hand him a tissue. 2) The kind that DO what they need to in order to GET what they want. They'd find a way around it. If they don't see the circumstances they want, they MAKE them. The number 2 guys out there understand that THIS ATTITUDE ALONE is what gets them successful with ANY woman they want. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 35
    • DATING Q&A QUESTION So how much do you tell a woman up front about yourself? They always ask so many questions. How much information do you give her? ---------------- Disclosure is a tricky aspect of seduction. It's hard to know what to tell her and when for the maximum effect. Here's a general rule of thumb: NEVER tell a woman anything that might lower her attraction for you. That sounds very simple and very common sense, but you'd be amazed how many men get suckered into giving up way too much intimate and unnecessary detail. It's also tempting, especially when women SAY they want quot;Honestyquot; from men. But they DON'T. Not really. What they're saying is: quot;It's okay, as long as you don't outright LIE to me. I just don't want or need to know everything about you to sleep with you.quot; Too much disclosure too early kills - murders - your chances for sleeping with a woman. Too much disclosure means you lack SELF-CONTROL, and that's one of the critical components of your self-confidence. It's better to err to the side of giving her too little information. It creates more mystery, which works in your favor (as long as you work to increase her attraction along with it.) Telling her something negative about you can NEVER increase the positive feelings she has for you. It doesn't work like that. Think about it this way: If you're out with a woman, and she lets slip that she was just on medication for an STD (sexually transmitted disease), what's going to run through your mind the whole time you're with her? Yup. That's right. DISEASE. Vaginal critters. Maybe even AIDS. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 36
    • DATING Q&A Her honesty = Your repulsion. You will NOT be more attracted to her or likely to sleep with her because of her being so open with you. In fact, if you're smart, you'll move along quickly. This works exactly the same for her. Think about it another way: If you were just pulling down her panties, and she's groping to undo your belt, and she whispers in your ear that she's just finished medication to clear up her STD, so she couldn't take her birth control pills, which means you better have a good rubber, you're going to be more inclined to agree and still go through with the event than if she let that information slip in the first few minutes of talking to her. (Also depending on how much blood is still left in your brain.) There's a time and a place for information. And sometimes there is NO time and NO place for certain kinds of information. o Keep your thirst for porn out of the conversation o Don't try to impress her with your encyclopedic knowledge of serial killers o Don't talk about the hum-job you got from your cousin when you were nine (you perv) o Don't discuss how you've always wanted to tour the Medieval torture devices in Europe o Keep your desire to get peed on hush-hush until you at least get one sexual act complete o Don't invite her over to look at your comic book collection, thinking that Todd Macfarlane's art is going to turn her on. In short, don't discuss blood, pain, death, rape, murder, war, famine, or any other of a million negative topics. Everything should be positive at the start, and especially positive about YOU. So this is important: She doesn't need to know your entire sordid dirty history before she lets you sleep with her. She only needs to know enough that you're not dangerous or violent. (I've had women email me interview questionnaires before, believe it or not. I don't let them screen me out so easily. I tell them the questions get answered when we get together. Maybe.) Ideally, you shouldn't even talk about yourself when you're with a woman. The conversation should be entirely focused on HER, without looking like you're avoiding talking about yourself. Be mysterious, not suspicious. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 37
    • DATING Q&A QUESTION: Dear Guru, I met a girl when I was last in my home city on holiday. I got her number and called her a couple of days later because I was leaving town in a week. Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the way with her the night before I left. It was a good night and she had a lot of promise. I have kept a casual phone relationship with her for six months. I know she has since been seeing another guy, a cool musician type. Now I am back in my home city to live. She doesn't know this yet. I want to be prepared when i see her. It would be great to get her off this guy and interested in me again! Any advice on how i can do this with poise and confidence? Cheers -------------------------------------- Guru? Wow. Great title for me. First of all, let's go over the positive things you relate in your story, because there are a lot of subtle attitudinal things going on here that I don't want anyone to miss: 1) quot;I got her number and called her a couple of days later because I was leaving town in a week.quot; This answers the question a lot of guys pose about quot;when do I call her?quot; Answer: You call her when you feel the timing is right for you. I don't like blanket rules of quot;4 daysquot; or quot;the first Monday after the first Sunday you got her number.quot; Generally speaking, I'd wait at least 2 days, but if the situation demands it, and you can pull it off confidently, theoretically you can call her just about anytime. But you have to have the right ATTITUDE. I cannot stress this enough. (Watch the movie quot;Swingersquot; to see how NOT to handle this.) 2) quot;Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the way with her the night before I left.quot; Excellent! You kept your first couple of meetings short (not these drawn out, dinner/movie/drinks combinations that so many guys fall into the trap of doing.) And you © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 38
    • DATING Q&A progressed to the goal confidently before your departure. You saw that if you worked to your goal, you will get it. 3) quot;It was a good night and she had a lot of promise.quot; PRECISELY! You're getting it. She had a lot of promise. You understand that she is the one that has to prove herself to you, NOT the other way around. Too many men go around with the smell of approval-seeking on them and then wonder why they aren't getting anywhere. She has to show her promise to you, guys. Most of the women you meet will be unsuitable for the long-term. I know, that's hard to believe, but it's doubly true for very attractive women. If you understand this fact - REALLY understand it - you'll then reflect an attitude that draws women in. If you act like a man that tries to look promising to HER, it's a completely different mindset, and it puts you at an immediate disadvantage. (Just remember, most women aren't what you want - beyond the sex.) Now, to cover your question: quot;Any advice on how I can do this with poise and confidence?quot; Well, I'm curious about that quot;casualquot; phone relationship you kept. I'll interpret it to mean that you were not calling her every day and you still went about your life. Which means that she obviously did, too. And the fact that you know about her new interest, Mr. Rockabilly, means that she must feel comfortable disclosing her situation to you in detail. The key to your re-acquiring this target is that you need to gauge how interested she still is in you. If she's written you off as a one-shot lover, she may not want to start up the fire again. (One of the reasons she may have been interested in your earlier one- night-stand was that she knew you weren't local. Therefore, any social pressures she may have had were lowered significantly.) On the other hand, if she's the kind of woman that doesn't like feeling that she's been a quot;slut,quot; she might want to see you again to establish things in her mind, to make herself feel better. It really all depends on what kind of explicit or implicit arrangement you feel she's made in her head. Only you can figure this out for sure. Here's what you can do: Make it a point to offer a surprise meeting with her. Call her up and tell her you're quot;in town.quot; You don't have to go into detail about your situation. Set up a meeting with her. Go somewhere she has never been before (so that you get her out of her familiar environment.) Go get a drink somewhere. Don't make it sound too much like a quot;date.quot; Tell her you want to catch up with her and you've got something quot;importantquot; about your life to share with her. A quot;surprise.quot; Use a little bait. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 39
    • DATING Q&A (It's important to make that quot;importantquot; thing sound like it has nothing to do with her, or you risk having her think you might propose or something outrageous that would freak her out.) Then, when you get together, start hitting the teasing and the cocky/funny routine pretty hard with her. Joke with her like: quot;Look, I hope you're not going to try and get me drunk and take advantage of me, or something. I'm not that easy.quot; Then feel out her response. If she seems interested and challenged, and maybe a bit frisky, you're still in the game. If she seems very stand-offish and distant, not willing to play, there's a good chance she's already cut her emotional ties to you and wants to move on. Also, listen to how (and if) she talks about her current Mr. Rockabilly. If she brings him up all the time with lots of starry-eyed references and seems like she's in worship mode, I'd consider letting her go off on her fantasy quest. Reality can never compete with her fantasies. Take the opportunity to revive a few memories of her and you. quot;Yeah, but I bet he doesn't play your strings the way I did. Remember when we were together and I...quot; See how she reacts. If you can get her re-living the experience of you two being together, and she doesn't push it away as if it were a silly mistake, you've got a real shot at shoving Mr. Rockabilly out of the picture. Just don't make the mistake a lot of guys make when they are trying to get her to trade up: Don't put the other guy down or bring him into the conversation at all after that. You have to replace him based on your own merits, or you'll risk turning her off. You can't get back in her good graces by putting him down, and you'd risk pushing her straight to him. If she starts talking about him, cut her off with: quot;You know, I'd like to hear about him sometime, maybe, but I'm much more interested in you. What have you been doing since we shared that passionate night together...?quot; Start by getting the lay of the land. Find out how she's feeling, what she's thinking. Then, get her to re-experience your pleasure together. Remind her of the passions and the fun you two had. Get her to remember that state, and use a lot of sensual words. Stay challenging to her. Don't come on strong at the start hoping that she'll just fall for your charms. If you have a shot, she must already be thinking about you two together again. What she needs is a little hope mixed with a little doubt. Give them to her in equal measure. Tease her with the possibilities. Just don't let her in on your quot;secretquot; (that you've moved back) too early, until you know more about how to play your cards. If she asks you right away and won't let up, give her something else, like you've discovered the joys of acupuncture or something. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 40
    • DATING Q&A If you get to a point where she does show some interest, but she doesn't want to go further without making things more than a one-nighter, THEN you let her in on your quot;surprise,quot; that you're back in town indefinitely. Use that as hope for her. Tease her with what quot;might be.quot; But don't tell her she's got you if she wants you. No woman ever wants what comes easy Play it cool and I think you'll do just fine... QUESTION: You're the man. I've got another question for you: I've been dating this girl from abroad for about two months now and things went really well (with the help of The Dating Black Book I might add). On the third date we had sex and it's like this on most of the dates since. Yesterday she sent me an email stating: quot;I'm really confused, I have to tell you I've got a boyfriend at homequot;. Poor guy.... I have not really responded to that quot;problemquot; yet, but was wondering what the appropriate way would be, because I have no intention to go exclusive. Please let me know if you have an idea. Thanks! -------------------------------------- First of all, I'll take credit for the information (Thanks! I AM the Man!:), but YOU have to take credit for doing the work. You're understanding how that information puts you YEARS ahead in terms of your confidence and success with women. Good job! Now, let's dig down into the source of her 'confusion.' (Poor thing.) Why is she confused? She has reached a state in her mind where she is starting to understand that the indulgence she had with you - her little love affair in the States - now has a very real aspect to it. You see, women - when removed from their natural habitat (i.e., within driving distance of their home) feel much more liberated from the constant pressure to live up to the identity they've created for themselves at home. (Another reason why there's so much sex on spring break in Florida.) © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 41
    • DATING Q&A I personally love it when a woman gets a sudden attack of morality when her rational mind catches up to her emotional actions. It's a bit cruel, but I enjoy watching the turmoil from time to time. It's like watching a dog chase its tail. Her confusion stems from the problem of letting herself do what she probably wanted to do with you (have some fun) and now she has to face that she has this dull old boyfriend back home that she feels obligated to stay with. Maybe he's her sugar daddy. Maybe he's a nice guy (the kind of guy she probably SHOULD want) but she's just not digging him anymore. Whatever. The important thing to figure out is WHY SHE TOLD YOU WHAT SHE DID. It seems to me that she's probably telling the truth, since there's no good reason for her to have to lie about that, unless she feels so guilty that she wants to find a way out. More likely however, she's just caught between what her feelings tell her she wants, and what her rational mind says she should. They just don't match. But, I'm not sure I see the problem here. I mean, you have no intention to go exclusive (smart decision!) and she's already taken care of. So the problem is....? To respond to the situation, I'd say there's only one thing you really need to do: Let her know that it was okay to do what she did. It sounds to me like she needed someone else to relieve this cognitive dissonance that she feels. She's torn between attraction and desire for you and her feelings of obligation (and whatever cultural norms she has) for him. You let her know this is okay, and what happened was okay, and you don't bear her any grudge for not telling you. In fact, you should let her know that she's not YOUR only one, either. ;) She might be interested in keeping up the affair, and if she is, then she can now do so with her conscience as free as you can make it for her. If she's not interested in keeping it going, then you just gave her an out. It's the only gentlemanly thing to do. Very honorable. In the end, whatever she's thinking, she just doesn't want to feel like she's been a quot;badquot; person. quot;Badquot; to her probably equates to either being a slut or unfaithful, as she probably feels she has. Ease her conscience. Then, when she's back in the states again, show her a little more charm, and get right back in the sack again. She's a grown-up. She knows what she's doing. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 42
    • DATING Q&A ALWAYS ADVANCE YOUR ASSAULT One of my hobbies as a kid was reading about World War II. For some reason, this time period just captured my imagination. I'd build models of half-tracks and Patton tanks to play with. It was innocent boy-fun, since no kid really understood the true horrors of war until later on. I'd also read about the generals, and their strategies and tactics on the battlefield. It was always interesting to see how courageously they had to advance on the enemy, and the emphasis was always on advancing the line of skirmish into the enemy's territory. Relentlessly, the leaders always pressed forward. I think you can imagine where I'm taking this. No matter how timid, nervous, or shaken you feel about the interaction you're having with a woman, you should always have a goal of pressing forward in the advance on her. You cannot hold back your troops in hopes that you'll be able to overpower her later. The time you must seize is NOW. You see, there are two valid approaches you can take when you are moving in on a woman you are interested in. The first one is of constructive restraint. This is where you refuse to advance so as to draw her in further, out of curiosity. This strategy will only work if you already have her interested in you and can continue to pull her in by making her wonder more than she's willing to resist. It's a valid strategy, one that must be delicately balanced with control. If she isn't already intrigued and attracted to you, holding back and being too mysterious will not work. It will be like a rumor of enemy forces gathering in the jungle - nothing substantial enough to rally the troops around. The other approach is to advance your assault, relentlessly. You must take every opportunity to move in on her, furthering toward your goal. Forward - Forward - Forward. You can pause between assaults (in fact, it's very necessary) but you keep going FORWARD. Never backwards. If you get to the point where you see some authentic attraction and response to your approach, you move in for some body contact or light touching. From there you let her get used to this, and then you move on to kissing, and so on... and so on ... You have to let go of the fear of rejection and failure so that you can keep yourself moving forward enough to succeed. Most failure in the world is not caused by genuine obstacles but by being afraid of the success and self-sabotaging yourself out of fear. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 43
    • DATING Q&A Do you remember the game of red-light/green-light as a kid? This was where you had one person (the traffic light) standing far away from a group of kids. When the traffic light turned around and looked away, he would say quot;green lightquot; meaning that you could move forward. When the traffic light was ready, he would say quot;red lightquot; and turn around quickly to see if he could see anyone moving forward. If he did, that person had to go back to the start again and renew their advance. The object was to get all the way to the place where the traffic light kid stood and tag them. Then you got to be the light. Think of the woman you're moving in on as being this traffic light. As long as you can move in undetected - when she's not 'looking' - you are free to continue. But if she yells quot;Red light!quot; and catches you in the process of advancing, you have to go back and start again. The objective in this game is to never let her consciously stop your advance by recognizing that you are moving forward with the goal of seduction. Your moves have to constantly be forward or you'll never reach her. But you also have to balance this with a level of control that keeps her from seeing what you're up to. The higher you can jack up her excitement and attraction for you, as well as some trust, the faster you'll be able to move in on her. She'll keep her quot;green lightquot; on for you much longer. QUESTION: I'm confused , you say we should be confident and not be afraid to show passion and feeling when meeting or chat women. But on the other hand, you say, not to show our feelings to soon cause it blows the mistery. --------------------- Common misunderstanding. I think my point is that you do not show or tell her your feelings ABOUT HER. Feelings in general are great to have. You show a passion and excitement about your life that she will want to be a part of. You love baseball, the smell of the grass and the hot dogs, and the sound of the crowd. But telling a woman about YOUR feelings for HER is strictly off limits for the first few months. Telling a woman how you feel about her almost always comes across like someone looking for something in return. It feels fake, it sounds needy, and she'll never feel more inspired and attracted to you just because you told her what YOU feel for her. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 44
    • DATING Q&A She only cares about how SHE feels about YOU. She will feel attracted by the doubt and mystery of your feelings for her. So tell her what you feel about everything else, but leave her in the dark about YOUR feelings for her. That doesn't come until much further down the road. QUESTION: How do you tell if a woman thinks of you as her friend or someone she should date when your current status with her is so far a friend? And is it possible for a girl to fall in love with her friend and then she decides she wants to change this friendship? ---------------------- This quot;friendquot; question just won't go away. Read my lips, gentlemen: If you haven't kissed her the first or second time you see her, you are her FRIEND, and that means NOT her boyfriend. Capisce? As for it being possible for her to fall in love with her friend, yes, it is possible. But so is the situation of me waking up tomorrow with Heather Locklear spit-polishing my love-lever. The better question is: Is it likely? No, not really. It takes a radical chance of mind for a woman to flip the switch of quot;friendsquot; over to quot;lovers.quot; It usually only happens (from my experience) when a woman is too shy to admit or act on her feelings in the first place, and her interest only comes up when he is happily dating some other woman. (Jealousy is a great motivator.) Oh, yeah, and it happens in movies sometimes, which is the real Hollywood lie ... QUESTION: You know how you mention that the way men act in Hollywood movies is not what attracts women in real life. Well then how come women react emotionally when watching these movies and even worse, if they see that actor in real life they throw themselves all over him? © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 45
    • DATING Q&A ---------------------- Aha! Good question! This deserves some time and attention, because I bet there are a lot of guys confused about this one. It's really not that contradictory. Hollywood doesn't care about presenting an accurate picture of what women are attracted to. Nor are they concerned about presenting an inaccurate picture. They only want to sell tickets. The problem is that every romantic comedy falls into the same bucket as the last, and if you'll look back consistently over the years, you'll see a pattern. Pattern 1) Men have gotten weaker and more touchy-feely. This is to cater to the (INCORRECT) assumption that because women are acting more like men, that they now want men to act more like women. Pure Horsesh*t. The male role model used to be the strong and suave man: Cary Grant, Clark Gable, etc. It's still what attracts women. Pattern 2) Walt Disney ate her brain. Women have been sold the Cinderella story since they were 2 years old when they wouldn't fall asleep without a story reading or a good shot of Nyquil. Momma pulls out the dream story of Prince Charming and starts the process. Then come the Disney home videos/DVDs and you've got yourself a disillusioned youngster who thinks that this is the way life works. Not necessarily that Prince Charming isn't too far off the mark, but that men immediately assume this romantic and courageous role means chasing her and throwing gifts at her. Boy is SHE pissed when she finds out how different life really is. Hollywood is a mixed bag, though. Sometimes they'll turn out a good role model and story, like Gladiator, or Maverick, Indiana Jones, or the James Bond movies. Now, I don't pretend that this is intellectual New Age in-touch with your emotions movies, but they more accurately represent WHAT WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO. They are typically tough-guys, but this comes through in their behavior, not their clueless bumbling or pandering to a woman as if she controls the cookie jar. (Even if she does.) When I blame Hollywood, I'm blaming all those movies that put a man's confidence on the back burner and sell him the lines about buying flowers and giving poems. (Watch the show quot;Scrubsquot; for what I mean by this. Hilarious show; absurd and demeaning male role models.) Movies create unrealistic circumstances, and often unrealistic fairy-tale endings. (Guess who they're catering to?) WOMEN DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS KIND OF MALE BEHAVIOR. They will appear to for about a couple dates (only because it is slightly flattering), but when you start supplicating and start to behave like a man who needs her approval, you are headed for absolute and certain FAILURE. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 46
    • DATING Q&A Women respond to emotional images all the time. They cry at weddings, funerals, pregnancy tests, and pictures of kittens in trees with wet fur that say quot;Hang in there 'til Friday!quot; They react to emotion of every kind. She's buying into a FANTASY. She responds to REALITY. Here's your litmus test: Date a woman. Give her candy and flowers and pledge your undying love. Call her all the time and try to convince her that she should be yours. Date another woman. Give her only the occasional affirmation, and mostly tease her. Let her know that she's got to work a little to keep you. Guaranteed you'll get better results with the second woman. If you don't know why, you have to read the e-book. I give you every scrappy detail in there. Lastly, you refer to how the women love the movie stars even off-screen. They love the men who are: A) Good looking, yes, but that's not what pulls them in the most. Look at Ed Harris and Billy Bob Thornton. Women love them. (Ever wonder why Angelina Jolie married Billy? Read his interview in Playboy if you want to know. He's a whacked dude, riddled with insecurities, but he's a bad-boy at heart.) B) Projecting their confidence - the movie star, no matter what role he has played in the past, projects the aura of a man IN CONTROL OF HIS DESTINY. Women so rarely are. They latch on to this attitude like the proverbial flies to honey. C) Wanted by other women - Women want what other women want. (I'm currently conducting an experiment on this that I hope to tell you guys about in a couple weeks. You'll find it very enlightening.) These actors are idolized in society because of their almost mythical status. They personify mystery, confidence, charisma, sexuality. They are not wanted by women because they play wimpy male roles. In short, they are CELEBRITIES. Yes, you and I could probably get laid all the time just by being in movies, no matter what part we played in a movie. But we're not famous. (Hey, I'm working on it, though.) © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 47
    • DATING Q&A Hollywood is not all bad. There are a LOT of good role models in the movies, if you'll watch very closely and if you know what to read in between the lines. Almost all male roles start out wimpy or indecisive and end up confident and strong. You just have to watch out for the little lies that are always slipped in between, when they show a man pursuing a woman and professing his love to her as a way to win her over. Everything you do with a woman should project a strong and clear message: Respect me. Or I'll be gone so fast your eyes will swim. Remember, there are many things that draw in a woman: -Power -Money -Celebrity status -Looks -Humor And there are ways to simulate and supersede all those with the right display of personality. Ultimately, it comes down to confidence and self-assuredness. EVERY single time. QUESTION: I have been reading some of your articles and would like to know what your opinion is on this. About ten years ago, I managed to spend a year abroad, when I was 22, and met people from all different countries. Then, about a month into the new academic year, the Italians turned up. In about two weeks, there was not a single Italian man. I am still asking myself how they did it. I asked one of them and he said things like he would just keep pestering or talking to a girl until she gave in. I do know that the Italians were very charming even with men!, made you feel important and that you were the center of their world, very nice and pleasant, very comfortable about themselves, kind, knew how to chat up women (almost as though it had been learnt from birth), 100% comfortable about themselves emotionally (even more than physically), brought out the positive in a person, made people feel good © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 48
    • DATING Q&A about themselves, and 100% targeted on results, but they also knew something that I don't know AND AM STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT !!!! I have had more failure than success. Although girls seem to like me, and I know for a fact that many girls have fancied me, I don't think I'm getting anywhere at the moment and am having nowhere near the success rate of my Italian friends. Showing my weaknesses honestly now, I suppose I'm quite shy really. I'm not aggressive as a person unless I am pushed. I can make a good first impression, but don’t really know how to follow through OR WHAT TO SAY or carry on a conversation without making it look obvious or as though I am pestering the girl and get the result without driving the girl away (yes, on basic psychology, I fear rejection so my male pride is not hurt), and am desperately looking for a proper method to do this. To be honest, I'm probably quite fearful of showing my real emotions to a girl or getting close. I suppose I've got quite a suspicious nature really. I always think the girl is going to compare me to better guys. I'm not sure if I am getting the message through clearly enough. Though there is one thing that seems to generate positive results. If I'm 101% mentally relaxed and not too serious or tense or wrapped up with my own problems, but light hearted and take the whole thing as a bit of a joke, girls seem to be attracted to me like a magnet to metal. Also, they seem to like it when I am not afraid to show my own emotions and keep positive about things. In spite of all that I think things can turn things round. I realize that I am my own worst enemy and that I need to change my way of thinking and confidence level to get what I want. Have you got any good specific advice for me? Please don't tell me just to buy the book !!!! (Edited for length) ************************** I've always got specific advice for you guys, and I'll try to address most of your questions here. In my usual, analytical style, let's break this down, shall we? First, The quot;ITALIAN FACTORquot; You saw something that women the world over have known for years, and many men have either come to emulate or resent. Italian men get pussy. Sorry, did that shock you? © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 49
    • DATING Q&A Good. It's going to get even better. Wait until I get into my racial stereotyping. I'm half-Italian, half-British, and let me tell you, if I were to put my quot;Lord Byronquot; personality out there next to my quot;Don Juan DeMarcoquot; personality, Don Juan gets laid like it's going out of style, and Lord Byron sits in the corner twirling his mustache and keeping a stiff upper lip ... and nothing else stiff. I do, in fact, have both of these personalities at work, and I use the British side to maintain the emotional self-control that only my tea drinking, beer swilling mates across the Pond can appreciate. While, on the other hand, my Italian side is the emotional firestorm that burns faster than a bone-dry Redwood forest in August. What is the Italian factor? PASSION. EMOTION. CONFIDENCE. ROMANCE. MYSTERY. MEATBALLS. Okay, the last one was to make sure you were paying attention. (But I like to make sure the women know where the beef is kept ... Sorry, couldn't resist.) Seriously, the things that make women swoon over Italian men is their NO FEAR attitude when it comes to making them feel appreciated and loved. Italians will approach a woman, pull her hand to them and yank her next to them as they look fetchingly into their eyes. They whisper a phrase with un-shaking confidence - quot;Picciare e tutto mio, signora ... che bella donna...quot; and the women swoon. (*Please note that not ALL members of a particular ethnicity are the same, however, there are many traits that ARE common. These are cultural norms. But, as always, there are exceptions to the rules.) Now, you're also looking far too hard. You seem to think there is a mysterious quot;Italian Factorquot; that is not on the charts - something they have beyond those traits you've observed. They really don't. What you're sensing but not being able to figure out is their ATTITUDE, the overall fusion of all those traits. Yes, I know, I ranted about attitude a couple issues ago, but it is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DEVELOP!!!! Do I need to scream that again? CONFIDENCE! © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 50
    • DATING Q&A POSTURE! ATTITUDE! You said it yourself, mi amico. You could emulate all those behaviors you observed in the Italians, and there is one hidden belief that is tripping you up and undermining everything you do. FEAR and SUSPICION. You see, if you can't shed your deeply ingrained belief that women (or men) are consistently out to do you wrong, you'll never be able to come across openly and warmly to other people. Trust me on this, because I still struggle with it to this day. 90% of our communication is done NON-verbally. Without words. Your body language, your expressions, your overall aura. All of that communicates to a person what you're REALLY saying. So, if you feel you're probably giving off a suspicious and mistrustful vibe, you can bet every Euro in your bank account that women (and men) are picking up on it and are not willing to give you back the benefit of the doubt. All of this is nice and well, I can hear you guys saying, but what can you do to overcome it? You've already figured out the answer to that, too. quot;If I'm 101% mentally relaxed and not too serious or tense or wrapped up with my own problems, but light hearted and take the whole thing as a bit of a joke, girls seem to be attracted to me like a magnet to metalquot; So there you go! You need to RELAX, dude. I'd be willing to bet that in most encounters with women, you're putting up a vibe to them that says this: quot;You're nice, and I'm sure I'd like to sleep with you, as well as get to know you better. BUT, there's a part of me that just can't believe you won't do something to hurt me or betray me, or let me down. So, I'm going to hold back, and I'm going to let you risk yourself first. THEN I'll open up and be more trusting.quot; People sense this holding back and will hold back themselves because of it. Despite the fact that it seems to be a chicken-and-the-egg syndrome, you just have to suck it up and take the chance. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 51
    • DATING Q&A Fear is perfectly normal, as is a small bit of suspicion. The key to unlock their limiting and inhibiting affect is to act in spite of them. Fearful? Do something anyway. Suspicious? Give without expecting to receive. Do the thing that your fear and suspicion would stop you from doing and YOU WIN. Remember this: Most men's failures with women can be tracked back to needing something from them TOO MUCH. You want specific advice? 1) Start hanging around women in all kinds of situations. Make their company something that is so ordinary that it is boring. When women cease to be intimidating, you'll start to relax a lot more. Right now, I suspect you treat women like dainty unique creatures from Perfect Island, where they never fart or poop and always smell wonderful. Humanize the women in your life, not idolize. 2) Start working on emotional exposure. Show your emotions to people more often. Take the risks of showing your inner feelings, without coming across as unhinged or weird. Be willing to show a little passion in your words. Risk yourself. 3) Study the language of passion and emotions. Read poetry. Memorize passionate verses that evoke imagery and feeling. Words are the currency of interaction, and if you are fluent enough, you can make women swoon with your skill in language. Also, study some NLP. (Neuro-linguistic Programming.) 4) Keep studying the people in your life that get results with women. Then think a little harder about what kind of beliefs these people have in order to behave that way. Do what they do. Don't question it! Just DO IT. 5) You already pointed out every trait of yours you know you need to work on. It's time to do the REAL work of sitting down with an open mind and start planning what you're going to do to overcome these limitations: Shyness, lack of aggressiveness, fear, suspicion, understanding of conversation skills. Women are smelling your NON-Alpha Dog behavior and penalizing you by not giving you success. What are your alternatives? Do NOTHING and get NOTHING © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 52
    • DATING Q&A - OR - Do something to learn and change these patterns, and then get RESULTS. 6) You also already pointed out every trait of your Italian friends that you KNOW worked: quot;very nice and pleasant, very comfortable about themselves, kind, knew how to chat up women (almost as though it had been learnt from birth), 100% comfortable about themselves emotionally (even more than physically), brought out the positive in a person, made people feel good about themselves, and 100% targeted on resultsquot; Get to work on developing those. If you can get the hang of those traits, you've won most of the battle. That just about sums up a man of confident attitude, don't you think? What makes you think there's something MORE to it? Oh, because that would mean this mysterious quot;Italian factorquot; is something you were born without and therefore have an excuse that you can't develop because it's not inherited. Please. You're looking right at the Truth but refusing to see. 7) Get my e-book. Oops! Did I say that? Yes, I did. But at least I didn't ONLY say, quot;Buy my book.quot; :) Seriously, why do you think I wrote The Dating Black Book? HINT: To answer questions JUST LIKE YOURS. Just remember this: Don't ever be the man sitting in front of the cold fireplace, scowling and yelling quot;First you give me heat and THEN I'll give you wood!quot; Life doesn't work like that, guys. I know you know better than this. QUESTION: Hello, Thanks for a great e-book, and for accepting questions. I have been pursuing women to build up my three S's, and have few problems getting phone numbers and dates. However, I purchased your book for a strategy to break out of the quot;friend zonequot; with my very attractive female friend, age 25 with whom I share a lot of common interests. She's had previous boyfriends and an ex-fiancé. I'm a very successful attorney, age 31. I have known this gal for about nine months, but I don't get the vibe from her that she is interested in more than friendship. She and I bump into one another at least one morning a week as we both go to a © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 53
    • DATING Q&A running group. In addition, we have gone out together to a football and a baseball game, dinner and bar-hopping, but the events never lead to anything physical. We've got plans to share a hotel room for an upcoming road-race in July, and she has bounced around the idea of making plans with me for white water rafting, camping, kayaking and such. In an average week, this woman will be asked out by at least two or three different guys, but she turns them down. Although she likes spending time with me and we have fun together, she still refers to me as a friend. She tells me she's waiting for the perfect guy to come along, and won't settle for less. So: 1. I'd like to learn some specific actions I can take to upgrade my status to a real dating relationship. 2. As an aside, what would you advise that I tell her about the other women I'm pursuing? Thanks! ************************** Let's start with the basics. It seems that every man is hooked on the concept of making this one woman HIS. Let's face it - we men LOVE a challenge. That's what makes us men. And women know this, and that's why we've been drawn to the quot;hard-to-getquot; game for many years. (Like, uh, tens of thousands, maybe?) Let's start with the raw reality: It is RARE that you can ever take a female quot;friendquot; and turn her into your lover. Why? Women hate - HATE - H-A-T-E with a capital quot;Hquot; ... okay, you get the point. They REALLY hate the thought of ruining a friendship with a man. Women value their friendships more than most of their love relationships. The potential for love is not as motivating as the possible threat of pain if the friendship didn't last. Hollywood has poisoned your mind! © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 54
    • DATING Q&A All those Meg Ryan films have got you believing that if you just wait long enough, and you go through the same cookie-cutter plot dynamics as today's modern American romantic comedy formula, she'll 1) Go through a turbulent experience with a man who is wrong for her (but she sleeps with, oddly enough) 2) And then she'll wake up one morning and break it off with him. 3) She'll call you up, invite you over, and in sickening slow motion she will realize that you were IT all along. YOU are the ONE! GAAAAAAAAAAAAG (Further sounds of me blowing my Cheerios all over the place.) Nope. That's a myth. Forget that and sue Hollywood. (Hey, you actually could sue them, couldn't you? Cool.) Now let's move on. Men think: quot;Hey! Great friend! Fun to be with. Maybe she'd make a great girlfriend or mate!quot; Which is probably true, but too late for her. Women, on the other hand, think: quot;Hey! Great friend! Fun to be with. He has to stay my friend, because I would HATE to ruin this friendship.quot; Dude, she sorted you out when you first met. Women decide this stuff early on so they don't have to worry about ruining their friendships. Carlos Xuma has a great point in his book that I'll mention here: Women NEVER feel like they've missed out on a sex opportunity. Think about that for a second. Women NEVER feel as if they've missed out on sex. Or even a potential boyfriend, for that matter. Why? Because they know damn well that their goal is not SEX. They can get that anywhere, anytime. Just about any woman can get sex if she wants it, no matter how homely or chunky. (I've talked to women about this and gotten that answer clearly.) She has no problem finding men. Here's the secret to the dating universe, guys: o A guy's goal is sex. o A woman's goal is EMOTION. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 55
    • DATING Q&A She wants the roller-coaster ride of passion and heartache with a man. THAT's what women want. (This may be giving away a huge secret, and there's a lot more to it that rides below the surface, too.) She'll give you sex, if you give her the right EMOTION. Yes, she wants sex, too, but only to supplement her one-a-day pill of EMOTION. (Guys, if you'll take that one section to heart and work it, you'll get laid more than Safeway eggs. I kid you not.) Back to the situation... So, I'll tell you right now that your chances of turning this thing over are small. I'll put it at 1 in 20. (and MUCH lower if you didn't already have my e-book.) Not very good odds. Sigh. You know, even if I put the odds at 1 in 1000, there are herds of guys out there that still have ignored what I just said and are asking: quot;Yeah, okay, so how do I do it, then? Huh? HOW??? TELL ME, MAN!!quot; If you're set and determined to make her your lover, you'll have to get Medieval on her ass, as my friend Marcellus Wallace would say. You're going to have summon every bit of game you've got if you're going to do it. But before I tell you how you can try, you're going to have to accept a very nasty little clause that I want you to sign before we go on. (Since you're a lawyer, I'm sure you'll understand my need to limit my liability.) Here it is... I, the aforementioned single guy, do acknowledge that I may have to LOSE this woman as my friend to get her as my girlfriend and bed-bunny. Sign here: _______________________________________ Fax that to over my attorney and we'll go on. Okay, now why do you have to be willing to lose her? Because the two situations are mutually incompatible. She can't think of you as just a friend AND seriously entertain the thought of riding you like a horse named quot;Widowmaker.quot; You have to push her over into the emotional and sexually heightened terrain of LUST. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 56
    • DATING Q&A If you've read the e-book, you know what I've had to say about the topic of female emotional interest and her attraction. So you wanna bag the T-Rex, huh? Here's what you gotta do: First, KEEP DATING OTHER WOMEN! I'm serious, I don't know how many times I have to tell guys this before they get it through their heads. You can't have your game face on if you need to win this one woman too much. Here's the rest of the step-by-step: 1) Stop doing quot;friendquot; things with her. This buddy-buddy sh-t makes me want to puke rose petals. Do things with her that raise her blood pressure. Rollercoaster rides. Haunted houses. Salsa dancing. If you can't thrill her, you'll never get her attracted. 2) Stop calling her and playing her woman-friend-in-a-man's-body. She thinks of you as her girlfriend. I'll bet she even talks to you like one of her women friends. She might even accidentally ask you for a tampon sometime soon. Drop her for a good week or so. Go at least double the longest time you'd feel comfortable with. Suck it up and do it. Self-discipline. 3) When you talk to her after the break (hopefully you can do this before your road race) you want to make sure she's aware of all the women who are after you. Tell her ALL about your women. Fill her up to the brim with your exciting singles life. No sexual details, just the quantity and enough mystery to make sure she's wondering, quot;WOW! What does he have? I gotta get me some of THAT.quot; Joke with her about her wanting to be one of the few, the proud, your babes. But then take it away by making sure she knows you don't think she could cut it. Give her a challenge. 4) I'm sure she's started telling you what her quot;perfectquot; guy is like. Start using that knowledge to your benefit. 5) You've got to jack her adrenaline into the stratosphere. You've got to charge up your talk with her by teasing and the old cocky/funny routine. You have to show her a fun (not arrogant) side of you that is a man who is after the GOLD friggin medal. She can either join your adventure, or get left behind. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 57
    • DATING Q&A 6) Think of her 5 most likely objections to dating you, and have a response planned out. If she says, quot;But we've got such a good friendship, I wouldn't want to ruin that,quot; YOU say: quot;That's exactly why we should be willing to take this further. A great relationship is built on a good friendship, right? And we'd ruin it if we didn't find out what might be.quot; Use your cross-examining skills, counselor. 7) In the meantime, get out there and KEEP DATING OTHER WOMEN. You can't possibly have the balanced, confident perspective and attitude you need to bag the T-Rex without a major jolt of quot;I'm-Not-Needyquot; injected directly into your brain stem. You see, the guys who have other women in their stable never get overly attached to one, and as a result the women sense this and flock. The tighter you hold on, the more likely she's likely to slip through your fingers. Don't just go through the motions, either. Sample from the buffet. And if you get all weepy on her and tell her your quot;true feelingsquot; for her, you're dead. It'll be over. That moment of weakness will ruin any hope of a turnaround. As a last ditch attempt, you need to sit her down and tell her that you are a MAN, and you know you'd rock her world, but you can no longer have her as a friend if it means that you two can't explore the possibility of the romance you'd have together. (And, God help you, don't have one bit of begging in your voice. Be convincingly FIRM and CONFIDENT.) Tell her you're willing to risk losing her to see what the future holds, but you've got goals and a destiny to pursue, and if she can't see that you'd be the greatest thing since Reality TV in her life, then you've got to get on with your hunt. Then get up, kiss her on the forehead and leave. She'll call you soon enough. If you can't handle the game of doing a HARD 180 on her and using some pretty radical moves, don't bother at all. If you're more afraid of her opinion or of losing her friendship, you can't carry this off convincingly. She'll smell that you're not an Alpha dog and run. I don't like to dash hopes. I just wouldn't be doing the right thing by not preparing you with some honest understanding. You've got a tough road ahead of you, I won't kid. But if you're really up to it, I've seen it done. It's not impossible. I'd just recommend that you set your sights on someone that you don't have to sink a billion watts of energy into -- and still might not get. Why not invest that energy in a woman who will likely respond? Because if you try and fail, you could end up pretty heartbroken and bitter, which will further hurt your attitude and game. I suggest you clear your eyes of the romantic © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 58
    • DATING Q&A illusion that she's the best and only one for you and focus on better prospects. You don't think there are better women out there because you're focusing on this woman as if she's the holy grail. Drop the idolizing and realize that she has faults, even if she's a catch. Stay grounded. You can't let your imagination run away when you have a serious fourth-and-goal play to run. And best of luck! (PS: If you don't bag this one before the race, don't you dare share that room with her unless you're going to bust a serious move, Captain Fantastic. Just don't make that the first hint of your interest. Lay the groundwork. Because if you actually go on a trip and sleep in the same quarters with this honey without moving in, it's really over. You'd have less chance of getting her as there is the chance of finding a full set of teeth on the Denny's night shift.) AUTHENTICITY There's a certain trait in a man than women are turned on by, but they could probably never name if they were asked. It speaks to the core of your confidence with women. And it is called (drum roll) ... Authenticity. Why is this one core trait so important? Because it communicates just about everything about you and your character without your knowing it. Authenticity is like the overall feel you get when you drive a BMW or other high- quality, high-class car. Everything about the auto just oozes quality and genuine value. The doors don't just clunk shut like most American cars. They latch with a kind of mechanical perfection. The seats don't just serve as a cushioned chair, they feel firm and cradle you. The engine doesn't just run - it PURRS with fierce, unspoken power. Step on the accelerator and you'll MOVE.. The metals feel more solid. The workmanship feels so much better. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 59
    • DATING Q&A And the thing of it is, you can't pinpoint it to any one single item or piece that leaps out as the quot;qualityquot; element. It all just comes through in the overall nature of the machine. As if it were made from the ground up with this intent. The same thing is true of a MAN when he takes on the traits and behaviors of an AUTHENTIC man. He becomes more than the sum of his parts when he can give off the air and aura of a convincing man of confidence. You cannot imitate authenticity. It's tough to fool someone into thinking you're authentic when you're not, and it's IMPOSSIBLE to fool them for very long. You just can't fake it. Like the smell of real leather, or the radiance and warmth of real sunlight; there are qualities about it that are nearly impossible to fake, and even if you could, it would cost you far less in time and effort to get the real deal than it would to go through the effort of pretending. Confidence is one of those qualities that has a feel to it, and women can tell the difference between the fake stuff (also known as Bravado) and the genuine. Your self- confident behavior comes from a source within you that is hard to imitate for too long. But the beauty of your confidence is that it can be CREATED by you just by actions. You can actually generate the reality of self-confidence by assuming the behaviors and traits and then repeating them until they become part of your personality. Isn't that incredible? There's nothing like that in the world! That's like saying that if you were to live in your house as if it were a castle (i.e., put on a suit of armor, stock it with hay and food supplies) it would BECOME a castle after a while. With a moat and turrets and all that. Absurd, right? But this kind of change is real when it comes to your self- confidence. You create it from nothing. Every day that you get up from bed in the morning and start your day, you make a choice how you're going to handle it. You're either going to go out there as a supplicating wimp, a middle of the road quot;nice guy,quot; or a self-confident MASTER OF HIS WORLD. Every man gets out of bed equal to every other man. What separates him from the rest is WHAT HE THINKS. It's your choice, every single day. No man in this world was given a special set of brain cells and affirmations that created his self-confidence. What happened was that through a healthy self-esteem or a brazen arrogance he took on the habits of a man that is self-confident. (I recommend you work on the former rather than becoming a dick by © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 60
    • DATING Q&A way of the latter.) Every time he made a choice in that direction, his self-confidence rewarded him by INCREASING. His authenticity jumped up a notch with each dose because other people will reward your self-confidence by giving you theirs when you display that kind of powerful belief. You have this same choice every day. You can choose to hold back your confidence and charisma from the women around you. When you pass them on the street, you can turn your eyes away (the curse of the shy guy) and tell them immediately that you're not an Alpha dog. You can choose to not go out and meet new people by avoiding those social situations where you'll have to act differently and take action on your desires. You can choose to stay home and wring your wanker instead of practice the skills that will benefit you a lifetime. And each choice you make will either up your authenticity, or make it harder to sustain when you find yourself having to put it on as a show for women. They'll smell this, and they won't reward you. In fact, they'll leave faster than a crowd at a stampeding South American soccer game. Remember: You'll NEVER change woman-kind. But you can change yourself to be successful. Some guys will stomp their feet and declare, quot;Never! Then they will have won! I will be true to myself!quot; Is being true to yourself getting up each day with the same tired and fearful attitude toward women? Is it being true to yourself to deny yourself the companionship and sex you desire? You're confusing principles with egotistical stubbornness. The only man who is truly worthwhile is the one who knows which of his useless traits are worth disposing of so that he can quicken himself to a better man. Don't sacrifice your essence, but don't hold on to your lies. Don't make the mistake that has submerged so many men in a quicksand of their own self-delusion. You don't have to compromise your integrity to seduce women. Authenticity is the real reflection of the true man. And when you're trying to compromise by using old, self-defeating patterns with women, you only serve to sabotage yourself. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 61
    • DATING Q&A Work to refine that authentic confidence in yourself. Work on your authentic charm. Work on your authentic sense of humor. When you can embody these traits so that they become second nature, you'll attract many times more women than when you just sit behind a mask of confidence. Start to make it part of your core personality. Yes, it may sound like I'm being contradictory here. On one hand I'm saying that you have to be authentic, but on the other I'm telling you the only way to be authentic is to start by faking it. This is the dilemma. But it's not as contradictory as you might think. If you understand that being self-confident is more than just a trait you pull out of the bag on occasion, and that you must keep it up constantly, you'll invest enough of your belief in it that you will make it authentic. You'll flip a switch in your beliefs that will COMPLETELY change your game with women. Until you reach that investment level, you'll just be faking it. When you want to seduce women, you have to find a part of yourself to show them that's authentic, or you won't get anywhere. And you can't afford to be authentically weak and scared. BE authentic. Let her smell it coming off you in waves. Then watch the dramatic change that happens in your abilities and skills. Switch your thinking over from just ACTING to BEING. What we're talking about here is a new way of thinking. DON'T IGNORE REALITY - IT HAS TEETH You guys have heard me tell you many times that the most damaging thing you can do to yourself is to deny the Reality you encounter. What do I mean by this? Well, it's a commonly heard concept in Eastern Philosophies that all of life's suffering is attributable to the desire for things to be other than the way they really are. The gap between you and your happiness is always the distance between Reality and your wish to make it different than it actually is. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 62
    • DATING Q&A I don't always think this is suffering, though, since we need a certain amount of structured discontent in our lives to strive for more. It's been said that the human existence is nothing more than the search for more, better, or different. In the world of women, dating, and seduction, your Reality is defined by the results you get. I always hear guys talk about what happens on their interactions with women, and it's often brutally clear that they're not being honest with themselves. (And let's be clear that I believe ALL fears men have about women boil down to one thing -- fear of rejection.) One guy said, quot;I gave her my phone number, and she said she'd call me this week.quot; There are many realities ignored in this one: 1) Why didn't you get HER phone number? Why aren't you the one in the position of power over the situation by having taken the lead? 2) Why did you give her your phone number? Because you were crappy-happy with the consolation prize women throw out if they haven't been challenged into giving you their phone number? 3) She said she'd call you, huh? When was the last time you gave your number to a woman and she actually called you? (And not out of guilt.) There's a term I'd like to introduce you to, and it's a pretty important one if you add it to your empowerment vocabulary. (Geez, I feel like I'm channeling Tony Robbins here...) The term is: LACUNA. A lacuna is a mental blind spot. It's a defensive mental gap in your awareness. Lacunas divert your attention from subjective areas of reality. I'm sure you've experienced this to various degrees in other areas of your life. Have you ever tried to remember something particularly traumatic from your childhood, such as the death of a pet, or a bad fall off your bike. True that the event itself may be in © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 63
    • DATING Q&A your memory, but not much about the details usually pop up on their own unless you force yourself to think back and recall them. This is one of the mental defense mechanisms that you (unconsciously) use to protect yourself. This is the way your mind helps you deal with threats. It's a necessary part of your inner workings. Where you run into problems is when you start choosing to overlook these perceived threats when it doesn't serve you. I'm proposing that you are probably creating these lacunas - blind spots in your awareness - mostly from habit. After all, it's a lot easier to ignore rejection and mistakes in your interactions with women than it is to face them and correct them. We men do this all the time. Sometimes it's out of pride - and that's the most lethal of all rationalizations to use. quot;No, sorry, I don't think I want to come back to your place,quot; she says as she walks away. He thinks: quot;Huh. What's up with her? Must be a lesbian.quot; Don't let your knee-jerk reaction be the illusion that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. (Did you like that? I stole it from The Matrix... Cool, huh?) She's not a lesbian, dude. You just want to shift the responsibility away from yourself because her lack of interest is something you perceive as a threat to you. It's easier to block the fear of her perceived rejection this way. What you have to be willing to ask is: What didn't you do up front to get her interested enough to go with you? Another question inevitably comes up: If you block these things out -- how do you know what you don't see? The answer to that lies in your willingness to look at what you experience when you don't succeed where you expect with women. If you get turned down when you ask for the phone number (which should be next to never if you have the e-book) what do you feel? Yes, I know. I'm asking you to venture into that dangerous territory of FEELINGS here for a minute, but I think it's a worthy exploration. I won't ask you to spend the day here, just long enough to get some perspective. (If you spend too long in this place, you start turning into a wimpy she-male in a New York minute.) © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 64
    • DATING Q&A What do you feel when you're rejected or turned down? - Do you feel insecure? - Do you feel threatened? - Do you feel pissed off? - Frustrated? - Sad? And then you should ask yourself the BIG question, the one that so few guys ever ask. WHY? Why do you feel that way? Most men will never have the guts to face this in themselves, choosing to blame it on women instead. They will go through their whole lives complaining that women are just quot;too weirdquot; or quot;too confusing,quot; when they are ignoring the Reality that's right in front of them. They will go to their graves having given up on women. You don't have to BE a woman to understand one. There's a core reason you feel whatever this negative emotion is, and it's usually traceable back to your core believe about what a woman's opinion says about you. If you can find this belief, almost ten times out of ten you'll start to realize that it's a load of crap. It always looks silly in the light of day, and that's why these tricky buggers hide in your LACUNAS. In most men, this fear is usually: quot;A woman's opinion about me is real. I'm afraid that when she doesn't want me, it's a reflection on my value as a man.quot; And when you ask yourself quot;Why do I think that?quot; you usually end up finding those core beliefs you have about women. Your new interpretation: There is no woman on the planet who can judge me to be less than the man I am. Or, another way: There is no woman who can change my value as a man. Stay busy being the person you want to be, not avoiding being the person you don't want to be. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 65
    • DATING Q&A I'll tell you this: If you can build this belief so solidly that you never even flinch when you say it to yourself in the mirror, you're well on the path to being a bad-ass with women. Because this core belief MUST be in there somewhere or she's going to be able to sniff you out faster than a dog can find an ass convention. Don't avoid the truth, and don't be too afraid to shine a light on those lacunas. Reality has teeth. And if you ignore it too long, it will bite. Keep her off balance One tactic that I think is important early in the meeting process with a woman is to ensure that you do not instill in her a sense of false security and stability. Women are used to having the upper hand in all things having to do with relationships. I don't believe they do this maliciously, but it is a power and control issue with all dating situations. I'm going to propose something very controversial, but I believe works out the best for everyone in the end: Keep her off balance. What I mean by this is that you do not want any woman feeling too secure or cocky about how you feel about her or the hold she's got on you. This goes back to a key principle of human behavior: The things you are most attracted to are the ones that you are not certain about. Uncertainty breeds an incredible gratitude for the times when you're rewarded. Training for the more intelligent animals (dolphins) is done by what is known as intermittent reinforcement. This means that once a behavior is trained, you will get more consistency by only rewarding an animal at irregular intervals - not every time. This has been proven time and time again in tests, and it's just as true for men and women. You've probably experienced this in your own life. Have you ever had a woman who was inconsistent - or hot-and-cold - with her sexual interest? You never knew if you © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 66
    • DATING Q&A were going to get some. When you did, you felt the reward, but the other times when you didn't you were being trained because you were more likely to work for the POSSIBILITY of sex the next time. Perhaps work even harder. If she wants a kiss, give her one, but not when she asks for it. Then, when she leans in for a kiss, you hold her off - nicely. quot;Whoah, there. Are you trying to take advantage of me?quot; Another way to keep her on her toes is to always be ready to say something controversial. Then, a few seconds later, appear to say something to contradict it. (Be sure to never change your opinion to match a woman's. A far better tactic is to take an area where she agrees with you and change your mind on her.) If you are talking to her, and she goes to the bathroom, disappear on her before she comes back, then walk over to her a few seconds later. Inconsistency is the key to driving her desire up. Consistency only sends messages to her subconscious that you are a man she could RELY on, but that doesn't make her LUST after you. You can use an analogy of rides at an amusement park: Consistency is the Ferris wheel. Ho hum. Boring. You go up, and around, and back down ... and up... Nothing fast. Nothing unknown. Just a tall view and look around the area. Nice, but NO thrills. Inconsistency - Surprise, danger, thrills - are found on the ROLLERCOASTER. Get her in the front car and start her heart racing with the unknown. You have to get her on the right ride if you want to get where you want to go.Keep her off balance, so she doesn't know what's coming. With that in mind, I received the following question: Question: Wouldn't that attitude of keeping her off balance ruin a marriage and put a lot of distrust in it? After all it would be hindering her feelings of security. ------------------- Well, first off, this is quot;Dating Dynamics,quot; not quot;Marriage Dynamics.quot; I've said countless times that you must use different strategies in the early days of dating than you do later on. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 67
    • DATING Q&A And, let's keep in mind that I'm not talking about constantly undermining trust. I'm not talking about acting sneaky or deceitful. I'm talking about introducing an element of UNPREDICTABILITY. Life is very predictable, almost boring in its regularity and consistency. Women don't thrive on the ordinary and usual - they enjoy the dramatic and thrilling. (Think: Soap operas, quot;The Bachelor,quot; any 'reality' TV show, etc.) Everybody does. Why do you think we get so excited to rubberneck at an accident? Or how we all gravitate to talk about the lurid crimes of passion in the news? We need this drama to inject some excitement in what is a VERY predictable existence. We're born. We go to school. We work. We pay taxes. We die. Day to day, you pretty much know what's going to happen. We all wait for the possibility of the UNKNOWN. While there's always the possibility that anything COULD happen, it rarely does. Let's talk about security for a minute. What is quot;securityquot;? Do human beings really thrive and grow in quot;securityquot;? No. We want security as part of a relationship so that we can: 1) Feel protected 2) Feel able to open up and share more intimacy These quot;securityquot; requirements are only necessary in a long-term or exclusive relationship. And you can't possibly get to that stage without a certain amount of excitement and energy that only UN-predictability gives you. You can't get to this point without igniting the fuse of her PASSION. PASSION and PREDICTABILITY are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. If you try to make a woman feel too secure too fast, you ruin everything that she wants to feel when it comes to the excitement and unpredictability. When you give a woman too much quot;securityquot; early on, what you're telling her at a subconscious level is that there is nothing interesting or unpredictable about you. A woman needs to feel inspired to start feeling attraction for you. It's like the starter motor on a car. When you turn the key, this little motor spins your engine quickly in a short period of time so that it can get to the point of firing up the cylinders on its own and start cranking under the power of burning fuel and oxygen. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 68
    • DATING Q&A Without that initial burst of energy, the engine would never get going. The same thing applies to women. One of the biggest illusions about women and dating (and sex) is that women need to feel secure with a man before she will date him or sleep with him. NOT TRUE. How many times have you seen women sleeping with the guys who were bad- boys? How many women have you known who have had one-night-stands? (More than you think, and more than admit it.) How many times have you seen a woman take in a deadbeat slacker without a job, who sleeps on her couch while she goes off to work? (It's not an epidemic, but it does happen quite a bit.) How many times have you heard a woman complain: quot;I just don't know why I love him ... he's so unstable and wild ... He's unpredictable. He's not the kind of guy I would marry...quot; But he's the kind of guy she would sleep with. Funny, huh? quot;Sexyquot; and quot;Securityquot; are almost never spoken in the same sentence. They evoke totally different feelings in a woman. You'll never hear her say: quot;Wow! He's so stable and reliable! I feel so secure and he totally TURNS me ON!quot; NOT! When she's ready to settle down, she'll do that with a man who is predictable and ... well, a little boring in certain ways. When she's ready to start a family, she wants that long-term security. That boredom is a signal to her primitive mind that this guy will be a provider and stick around. It's in her genetic imprint. It's my firm belief that you can start a relationship off with a woman in one of two ways. Think of this as a fork in the road you come to when you meet a woman. There's a sign and an arrow pointing down each path, and here's what each sign says: Path to the Right - quot;Start off by getting her excited and thrilled. You turn her on with humor and teasing. She gets frustrated at times, but always stimulated. You're different than the other 50 guys who came on to her with no personality or challenge. Her attraction drive is engaged and she falls for you. You get to have sex, love, marriage -- whatever you want.quot; Path to the Left - quot;Start off by being a 'nice guy.' She sees you as another man who can't excite her by being a vibrant personality - sexually charged - and instead she © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 69
    • DATING Q&A begins to see you as a 'friend.' All because you couldn't get her excited enough to engage her attraction for you. You wind up wanting her romantically, and she ends up telling you she wants to 'just be friends.' You get neither sex nor the relationship.quot; Think about it again, guys. What do you want? The way it SHOULD BE, or the way it ACTUALLY IS? Yeah, we all SHOULD BE getting laid all the time, by any woman we treat nicely and give flowers to, but it rarely happens that way. We SHOULD BE able to make a woman feel quot;securequot; and she'll just jump us in a heartbeat. BUT ... it doesn't really work that way. So, while you weep and lament about that for a while, I think we should recognize that it's okay to not give a woman all the security she wants up front when it ALWAYS works out better in the long run to give her what she really NEEDS and responds to. We're humans, with intelligent control of our emotions, but so few of us actually are ever able to get that control. Don't fall under the illusion that we respond emotionally to logic and reason. We don't respond to things because we SHOULD. I may not have gone into much more detail on the strategy of keeping her a little off balance, but I think it was important to explain the reasons why, and so that we can start to get rid of that monkey on our backs, the one that tells us that if we don't cater to a woman's every whim and need (i.e., quot;security,quot; quot;romance.quot;) In the early stages with a woman, SECURITY = BORING. Security comes later. Passion FIRST. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 70
    • DATING Q&A Thanks for being a part of the Dating Dynamics world! I know you’ve gotten an incredible amount of information from these e-books, and we’ve got more products and materials coming in the months ahead. Please be sure to tell your other friends about the site and these programs. It’s time we men took control of our dating lives! When you’re ready, visit: http://www.seductionmethod.com for more information on The Seduction Method program. (And be sure to visit the site to sign up for the newsletter and get another free e-book.) © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 71
    • DATING Q&A The Dating Black Book and Ezine 1: Supreme Self-Confidence © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 72
    • DATING Q&A Copyright © 2003 - DD Publications. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form, by Photostat, microfilm, xerography, or any other means, which are now known, or to be invented, or incorporated into any information retrieval system, electronic or mechanical, without the written permission of the copyright owner. Sausalito, CA – USA admin@datingdynamics.com This e-book publication is being distributed with the expressed and implied understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. While the author has made every effort to be factual, your results may vary. The author and publisher are not responsible for misuse of this information for criminal or other unlawful behaviors. Don’t be the man sitting in front of the fireplace who says, “First you give me heat, and then I’ll give you wood.” It doesn’t work that way. Pay the price of success, and it will be yours. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 73