Improving Your Child’s Self Esteem Dr. Moya O’Brien Clinical Psychologist

What is Self Esteem? Feeling good about yourself Putting a high value on your worth Thinking or thoughts in your head about your self Is different depending on circumstances and relationships

Feeling good about yourself

Putting a high value on your worth

Thinking or thoughts in your head about your self

Is different depending on circumstances and relationships

Aspects of our Self Esteem Relationships Mother / Father, Daughter Son, Sister /Brother, Friend, Aunt / Uncle Physical Self Work / School Hobbies Leisure Activities

Relationships Mother / Father, Daughter Son, Sister /Brother, Friend, Aunt / Uncle

Physical Self

Work / School

Hobbies Leisure Activities

Why is Self Esteem Important? Feelings Associated with High Self Esteem Confidence Pleasure Sense of Optimism Happiness

Feelings Associated with High Self Esteem

Confidence

Pleasure

Sense of Optimism

Happiness

Child with High Self Esteem Expects to succeed Is willing to try new things Demonstrates respect for others and expects the same for themselves Feels entitled to ask for what she needs Effectively solves problems or conflicts Is socially competent Takes responsibility

Expects to succeed

Is willing to try new things

Demonstrates respect for others and expects the same for themselves

Feels entitled to ask for what she needs

Effectively solves problems or conflicts

Is socially competent

Takes responsibility

Child with Low Self Esteem Is restrained Is unsure or tentative Burdened Inhibited Vulnerable Under value themselves Is a people pleaser Blames others

Is restrained

Is unsure or tentative

Burdened

Inhibited

Vulnerable

Under value themselves

Is a people pleaser

Blames others

How is our Self Esteem Determined? How is it nurtured or developed? Is it effected by our experiences? Is it effected by success or failure? Is it effected by praise or criticism? Is it effected by life events?

How is it nurtured or developed?

Is it effected by our experiences?

Is it effected by success or failure?

Is it effected by praise or criticism?

Is it effected by life events?

Tools of Self Esteem Identify the child’s internal critic Combat internal critic by becoming a “Health mental coach” Focus on effort and persistence Focus on self evaluation Do not give in to child’s negative thoughts Keep communication positive, do not use sarcasm, threats or negatives

Identify the child’s internal critic

Combat internal critic by becoming a “Health mental coach”

Focus on effort and persistence

Focus on self evaluation

Do not give in to child’s negative thoughts

Keep communication positive, do not use sarcasm, threats or negatives

Parenting to support positive self esteem Set limits and be consistent “ If ----- Then ------” Be firm but kind Let small stuff go Separate the deed and the doer Love child – communicate this Offer choice and respect choice Model self worth Unconditional love – mirror of positive regard See your child as a unique individual not an extension of you

Set limits and be consistent

“ If ----- Then ------”

Be firm but kind

Let small stuff go

Separate the deed and the doer

Love child – communicate this

Offer choice and respect choice

Model self worth

Unconditional love – mirror of positive regard

See your child as a unique individual not an extension of you

Parenting to Promote Self Esteem Show them they are valued by giving them your time. Point out that they may not be perfect but neither is anyone else. Show you appreciate their efforts and persistence and that sometimes you may fail before you succeed. Give them responsibility (that is appropriate to their age) so they can show that they can follow through and be relied on. Listen - don't finish their sentences for them. Help your child to remember the good times and successes when they experience bad times. Help them accept the things they cannot change. Tell them they are special. Use encouragement more often then praise.

Show them they are valued by giving them your time.

Point out that they may not be perfect but neither is anyone else.

Show you appreciate their efforts and persistence and that sometimes you may fail before you succeed.

Give them responsibility (that is appropriate to their age) so they can show that they can follow through and be relied on.

Listen - don't finish their sentences for them.

Help your child to remember the good times and successes when they experience bad times.

Help them accept the things they cannot change.

Tell them they are special.

Use encouragement more often then praise.

Critical elements for successfully building Self Esteem Positive atmosphere Opportunity for active involvement and participation Valued for their contribution Valued for their difference Opportunities to learn and make mistakes Give praise and encouragement Opportunities to evaluate own performance Opportunities to develop skills and learn life lessons

Positive atmosphere

Opportunity for active involvement and participation

Valued for their contribution

Valued for their difference

Opportunities to learn and make mistakes

Give praise and encouragement

Opportunities to evaluate own performance

Opportunities to develop skills and learn life lessons

Parent Behaviours that Encourage Self Esteem Active Listening Allow choice with in reason Value opinions even if different to your own Make individual time Respect boundaries Use encouragement Putting up pictures on wall or fridge Collecting medals, certificates / good reports Going to match's, concerts, end of year displays etc Putting photos of achievements on walls or in albums

Active Listening

Allow choice with in reason

Value opinions even if different to your own

Make individual time

Respect boundaries

Use encouragement

Putting up pictures on wall or fridge

Collecting medals, certificates / good reports

Going to match's, concerts, end of year displays etc

Putting photos of achievements on walls or in albums

Books on Self Esteem Self Esteem Books Young Children The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper, George Hauman The Lovables in the Kingdom of Self-Esteem by Diane Loomans General Parenting Books Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens by Don Dinkmeyer The Parent's Handbook: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Don Dinkmeyer Parenting Young Children: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) of Children Under Six by Don, Sr. Dinkmeyer Self Esteem Adults Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Mathew McKay & Patrick Fanning.

Self Esteem Books Young Children

The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper, George Hauman

The Lovables in the Kingdom of Self-Esteem by Diane Loomans

General Parenting Books

Parenting Teenagers: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting of Teens by Don Dinkmeyer

The Parent's Handbook: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting by Don Dinkmeyer

Parenting Young Children: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) of Children Under Six by Don, Sr. Dinkmeyer

Self Esteem Adults

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Mathew McKay & Patrick Fanning.