Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful
Web Series - Episode 1
"The Wilds Of Online Dating"
INT. ALEXIS' BEDROOM- NIGHT
Alexis and her friend, Cheryl, are hanging out. Alexis is
propped up in bed with her laptop open. Cheryl is trying on
clothes and jewelry, doing her nails .
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look at these matches OK Cupid
sent me. What is it with these
guys? It's like they're a
chromosome short of a full set or
something. God, these dating
sites need better search
OK, lemme see what you got.
Cheryl sits on bed next to Alexis to look at laptop with
I mean really, what's with these
photos? Right? Here's the classic
shot of him standing by his car,
like I care, (in sarcastic tone)
or another favorite- in full ski
gear and goggles...
Could be anybody inside that.
How 'bout this one, with his arm
around some woman...
Are you supposed to picture
yourself in her place?
Euw. He's cuddling his cat up to
What do you have against guys with
I don't know, it just creeps me
out. The only pussy he should
stick his face in is mine.
Ah, here's a good one all dark and
out-of-focus, or this one that's
obviously from 10 years ago.
Heavy sigh from ALEXIS.
Cheryl grabs laptop and clicks away.
Check out the photos the women
post on their profiles. Night and
day, right? Look at them, all made
up, looking hot, great lighting.
The whole she-bang.
Cheryl, do these men even read my
profile? I know guys are all
visual and shit, but really?
Where in my profile does it say
I'm looking for a nice Jewish
loser with a belly, 3 kids and a
cat, who's lookin' to get laid?
I'm telling you, there's a reason
these guys are single.
So check this out. Yesterday, I
get a message from a likely
prospect, and after a little
texting back and forth, during
which I make him work for it so he
doesn't think I'm too easy...
Alexis pulls out cell phone to show Cheryl.
He finishes out the day by texting
this selfie, posing in the mirror.
Gotta love that cream colored
suit. John Travolta circa Saturday
Yeah, only he's no hot shit
celebrity. But wait, get this,
then he bitches, at 1 in the
morning mind you, that I didn't
send him one back.
Sounds like an immature narcissist
with no sense of boundaries.
Another heavy sigh from Alexis.
Why the hell did you get into this
online dating thing in the first
place, whatever possessed you?
Well, if I have a steady
boyfriend, it will protect me from
those late night booty calls. Plus
Suzanne laid into me about getting
out there, being open, moving
forward, and all that crap. I
mean, you'd think I was living
like some sort of spinster shut-in
with a big hairy wart on my chin.
Aw, you're not that bad, at least
not yet. But what's that on your
Alexis looks alarmed and jumps up to look in the mirror.
Gives Cheryl a dirty look. Cheryl laughs.
I go out. I make an effort. But I
really can't handle another deadend date. The last the time I got
all dressed up and drove half way
across town, I had to beat a fast
retreat out the back. The loser
was at least 15 years older and 20
pounds heavier than his photo.
While they talk, Alexis is styling Cheryl, pulling stuff
out her closet for Cheryl to try on, arranging
accessories, pulling and adjusting outfits.
You know, the amount of time and
energy I've wasted on this is
really starting to piss me off.
Besides, I'm just not all
sure I'm even ready for a
again, at least not now.
busy. I got things to do,
business to build.
Do I really want to take on the
duties and responsibilities of a
girlfriend again? The care and
feeding of a boyfriend is so
frickin' time-consuming. You know,
the pressure of looking good all
the time, all those blow jobs...
Laughing at his dumb jokes..
Keeping my legs shaved and my
pussy groomed on a daily basis.
Right, and what's the guy into? Do
you go whole hog and get a
Brazilian like a porn star or do
you leave a little landing strip
for his 747?
Maybe he likes an old-fashioned
bikini wax - just neaten up the
Then there's the endless hours of
sports on TV, stocking his
favorite beer, ...
Don't forget the blow jobs
Pretending to like his loser
friends. And why does the cool guy
always have these loser friends
instead of other cool guys like
Yeah, what's up with that?
And did I mention the blow jobs?
Like I said, time-consuming.
They crack up.
Then Alexis sighs heavily again.
Sometimes, all I want to deal with
is a late night booty call; you
know, get the pipes cleaned out
and no bullshit to deal with in
No snoring or stinky socks, no wet
towels on the floor.
Where are all the cool hip young
entrepreneurs making their first
millions on some rockin' tech
They're working too hard to meet a
wise-ass, ambitious hottie like
Hey I know, maybe you need to
troll those Digital LA events, or
haunt the halls of tech
amplifiers, see and be seen at the
VC and Angel investing events?
Yeah, or maybe, between the timesuck futility of online dating on
the one hand and the demands of
girlfriend duties on the other,
Gestures left hand, right hand
I should just stick to late night
booty calls for now.
ALEXIS makes fists and does some twerking gestures. They crack
FADE TO BLACK.