Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful: #1 Web Series


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Episode 1: The Wilds Of Online Dating

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Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful: #1 Web Series

  1. 1. Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful Web Series - Episode 1 "The Wilds Of Online Dating" by Mikhaila Stettler Mikhaila Stettler (206) 276-6386
  2. 2. 2. FADE IN INT. ALEXIS' BEDROOM- NIGHT Alexis and her friend, Cheryl, are hanging out. Alexis is propped up in bed with her laptop open. Cheryl is trying on clothes and jewelry, doing her nails . ALEXIS Are you fucking kidding me? What? CHERYL ALEXIS Look at these matches OK Cupid sent me. What is it with these guys? It's like they're a chromosome short of a full set or something. God, these dating sites need better search algorithms.. CHERYL OK, lemme see what you got. Cheryl sits on bed next to Alexis to look at laptop with her. ALEXIS I mean really, what's with these photos? Right? Here's the classic shot of him standing by his car, like I care, (in sarcastic tone) or another favorite- in full ski gear and goggles... CHERYL Could be anybody inside that. ALEXIS How 'bout this one, with his arm around some woman... CHERYL Are you supposed to picture yourself in her place? ALEXIS Euw. He's cuddling his cat up to his face.
  3. 3. 3. CHERYL What do you have against guys with cats? ALEXIS I don't know, it just creeps me out. The only pussy he should stick his face in is mine. Cheryl laughs Ah, here's a good one all dark and out-of-focus, or this one that's obviously from 10 years ago. Heavy sigh from ALEXIS. Cheryl grabs laptop and clicks away. CHERYL Check out the photos the women post on their profiles. Night and day, right? Look at them, all made up, looking hot, great lighting. The whole she-bang. ALEXIS Cheryl, do these men even read my profile? I know guys are all visual and shit, but really? Where in my profile does it say I'm looking for a nice Jewish loser with a belly, 3 kids and a cat, who's lookin' to get laid? CHERYL I'm telling you, there's a reason these guys are single. ALEXIS So check this out. Yesterday, I get a message from a likely prospect, and after a little texting back and forth, during which I make him work for it so he doesn't think I'm too easy... Alexis pulls out cell phone to show Cheryl. ALEXIS(CONT'D) He finishes out the day by texting this selfie, posing in the mirror.
  4. 4. 4. CHERYL Gotta love that cream colored suit. John Travolta circa Saturday Night Fever. ALEXIS Yeah, only he's no hot shit celebrity. But wait, get this, then he bitches, at 1 in the morning mind you, that I didn't send him one back. CHERYL Sounds like an immature narcissist with no sense of boundaries. Another heavy sigh from Alexis. CHERYL(CONT'D) Why the hell did you get into this online dating thing in the first place, whatever possessed you? ALEXIS Well, if I have a steady boyfriend, it will protect me from those late night booty calls. Plus Suzanne laid into me about getting out there, being open, moving forward, and all that crap. I mean, you'd think I was living like some sort of spinster shut-in with a big hairy wart on my chin. Jeez! CHERYL Aw, you're not that bad, at least not yet. But what's that on your forehead? Alexis looks alarmed and jumps up to look in the mirror. Gives Cheryl a dirty look. Cheryl laughs. ALEXIS I go out. I make an effort. But I really can't handle another deadend date. The last the time I got all dressed up and drove half way across town, I had to beat a fast retreat out the back. The loser was at least 15 years older and 20 pounds heavier than his photo. While they talk, Alexis is styling Cheryl, pulling stuff
  5. 5. 5. out her closet for Cheryl to try on, arranging accessories, pulling and adjusting outfits. ALEXIS(CONT'D) You know, the amount of time and energy I've wasted on this is really starting to piss me off. Besides, I'm just not all sure I'm even ready for a again, at least not now. busy. I got things to do, business to build. that new guy I'm a Do I really want to take on the duties and responsibilities of a girlfriend again? The care and feeding of a boyfriend is so frickin' time-consuming. You know, the pressure of looking good all the time, all those blow jobs... CHERYL Laughing at his dumb jokes.. ALEXIS Keeping my legs shaved and my pussy groomed on a daily basis. CHERYL Right, and what's the guy into? Do you go whole hog and get a Brazilian like a porn star or do you leave a little landing strip for his 747? ALEXIS laughs CHERYL(CONT'D) Maybe he likes an old-fashioned bikini wax - just neaten up the triangle? ALEXIS Decisions, decisions. Then there's the endless hours of sports on TV, stocking his favorite beer, ... CHERYL Don't forget the blow jobs
  6. 6. 6. ALEXIS Pretending to like his loser friends. And why does the cool guy always have these loser friends instead of other cool guys like him? CHERYL Yeah, what's up with that? ALEXIS And did I mention the blow jobs? Like I said, time-consuming. They crack up. Then Alexis sighs heavily again. ALEXIS(CONT'D) Sometimes, all I want to deal with is a late night booty call; you know, get the pipes cleaned out and no bullshit to deal with in the morning... CHERYL No snoring or stinky socks, no wet towels on the floor. ALEXIS(CONT'D) Where are all the cool hip young entrepreneurs making their first millions on some rockin' tech start-up? CHERYL They're working too hard to meet a wise-ass, ambitious hottie like you. Hey I know, maybe you need to troll those Digital LA events, or haunt the halls of tech amplifiers, see and be seen at the VC and Angel investing events? ALEXIS Yeah, or maybe, between the timesuck futility of online dating on the one hand and the demands of girlfriend duties on the other, Gestures left hand, right hand
  7. 7. 7. ALEXIS(CONT'D) I should just stick to late night booty calls for now. ALEXIS makes fists and does some twerking gestures. They crack up. FADE TO BLACK.