Difficult Conversations, Prepared by Mike Halpernin

Difficult Conversations Prepared for ODLG Worcester Group January 13, 2011 Michael Halperin__________________________________________________________________________________________Halperin Consulting, © 2011 Page 1

Meeting RecapThese notes will be particularly helpful to people who have attended the session, but willgive a flavor for those who were not able to attend.Overview1. Introductions / Overview • Intros – what are you hoping to get out of the session? • My introduction to the power of getting access to typically undiscussable issues through a large scale change project about 20 years ago. This represented an opportunity to uncover a powerful, yet previously undetected theory I held about the role of consultants.Internal Dialogues Discussion and Exercise2. Introduction to internal dialogues, typically undiscussed thoughts and feelings and the value of accessing them safely and productively3. Large Group discussion: • What’s difficult to discuss with different stakeholders, e.g., clients, gatekeepers and others. • What makes these issues difficult to discuss? • General categories of fears and concerns, including: being judged negatively, hurting others, fear of reprisal, fear of isolation, loss of status or power, concerns about change.4. Common internal dialogues consultants hold about about clients: • They have unrealistic expectations • They don’t know what they want • They’re incompetent • They’re not committed and won’t follow through on the design • They don’t want change; they’re just looking for window dressing • If it works, they’ll take all the credit; if it doesn’t they’ll blame me • I can’t let them know that I need this project • They’re diagnosis of the problem is way off the mark, but if I tell them now, they’ll distance.5. Common client internal dialogues about consultants: • I’d better not challenge the consultant. (S)he’s the expert. • Nothing’s gonna change. Just the new flavor of the month. • I’ll go along with the consultants for now. After they leave, things will go back to normal. • Whose consultants are they, really? • I’ve been here for 20 years. Who are they to tell me how to do my job? • We’ve got to be crazy to say anything negative about this.__________________________________________________________________________________________Halperin Consulting, © 2011 Page 2

• I hope they don’t embarrass anyone. • Sounds great, but these ideas never work. • The consultant is asking us to do X, but isn’t able or willing to do it him/herself.Consulting Framework6. Icebreakers: We did two icebreakers to examine the power of frames – for what’s discussable or not, how they circumscribe our perceptions, etc. (Newfoundland story, new number system)7. Consulting Framework: We reviewed the consulting framework (attached) in detail. Discussion included: • What is a frame? • Examination of core beliefs held by consultants (see internal dialogues above), such as: I’m right … (45% error rate research) Most appropriate way to engage with clients Self-fulfilling nature of frames8. Analysis of Frame Exercise: (attached). We did this exercise to assist participants become more aware of their consulting frameworks. We debriefed for practice coaching each other for clarity and learning.9. Wrap-Up__________________________________________________________________________________________Halperin Consulting, © 2011 Page 3

Consulting Framework MORE INTENDED OUTCOMES AWAREHalperin Consulting, © 2011 Strategies did appear to accomplish some of the INTERVENTION intended outcomes •Increase value to others •Foster more productive working relationships OFTEN UNAWARE •Facilitate accomplishing FRAME desired results Incremental Learning UNINTENDED OUTCOMES •Connection to goals: project, meeting, and strategic Reframing Strategies usually had •Details big picture •Tactical / strategic unintended outcomes, which Frame: Comprehensive mental model people contributed substantially to not create to simplify, organize, & act in the world; achieving stated goals, prevailing set of commonly accepted theories, OFTEN therefore limiting value. beliefs, assumptions, and practices, often UNAWARE taken for granted. (If aware, often kept private.) Principle of Unintended Consequences: For any action, there are Page 4__________________________________________________________________________________________ intended and unintended (negative and/or positive) consequences. Halperin Consulting, © 2010. Used with permission

Consulting Framework Exercise1. Think about an important conversation you had recently involving a project or intervention with which you are involved and you had difficulty talking about the 800 pound gorilla.2. In reflecting on that conversation, look for opportunities to better understand your facilitation frame: • What assumptions, beliefs, theories are you now aware of that were driving your interactions? This can include the assumptions you made about what different key project terms meant or roles you and others played. • What did you or others say or do? • What were your internal dialogues, your uncommunicated thoughts and feelings? • What were the intended and unintended outcomes of what you did?3. Debrief with your partner. Look for opportunities for: • Incremental learning: better creating intended outcomes and minimizing unintended outcomes • Reframing: rethinking underlying beliefs, assumptions, theories, and opportunities for new strategies__________________________________________________________________________________________Halperin Consulting, © 2011 Page 5

Difficult Conversations, Prepared by Mike Halpernin

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