How to Play Well with Others
and Get others to Play Well
with You
A Program on Dealing with Difficult
People Situations

M...
We are all inherently difficult
people

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2011
You know you're a Drama
Queen when:
1. You are perpetually in panic
mode.
2. You are the cause of all
your drama.
3. The r...
Bad Habits
•
•
•
•
•
•
•

Attacking
W
hining
Nagging
R
ambling
Exaggerating
One-upmanship
Interrupting

•
•
•
•
•

Silent ...
Communication Traps
• Confusing “Responsibility” with “Blame”
• Trying to “be right”
• Treating the process as though it i...
Obstacles to Communication
Assumptions/Mind Reading
Blaming/ Fault-Finding
Conflict Habits
Defensiveness/Sarcasm
Distrust/...
D

TURN-ONS
Control

Control
Responsibility
Mastery
Loyalty
Fast Pace

Attention
High
Achievements
Recognition
Adventure
E...
TURN-OFFS
Ambiguity
Irreverence
Laziness
Showing emotions

Control

D

I

High

Lack of enthusiasm
Waiting
Indecision
Conv...
Dogmatic
Stubborn
Rigid
Unapproachable
Distant
Critical
Insensitive

Control

D

LIMITATIONS

High Pushy
Intimidating
Over...
Five Foundations
1. Listen
2. Ask Effective Questions
3. Strive to Understand and Build
Relationships
4. Communicate with ...
1. Listen

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
“The Key to Listening is Curiosity.”
Dr. Ralph Nichols
the Father of listening research

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-201...
Why Don’t We Listen?
•
•
•
•

We’re Preoccupied
Fatigue
In a hurry
Can’t focus

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Four Ways to Keep the Door
open with Listening
1. Become an active listener
2. Pay attention to nonverbal aspects of
messa...
2. Ask Effective Questions

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Effective Questions Begin…
Who
What
Where
How
When
Why
Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Closed-Ended Questions
• Do you have a plan?
• Can you tell me about the problem?
• Are you frustrated?

Copyright Marian ...
Open Ended Questions
• What are your plans?
• How will you deal with the problem?
• What are your frustrations?

Copyright...
Gentle Commands
• Tell me something about your plans
• Describe your initial reaction to that
problem
• Share with me some...
Opt Out Questions
• Can you describe your plans?
• Can you tell me a little about the
problem?
• Can you say anything abou...
Qualitative Questions
• How are the plans going?
• How has the problem been?
• How’s that situation that’s been
frustratin...
Statements of Inquiry
• The plans aren’t coming along!?
• The problems not solved!?
• You are frustrated!?

Copyright Mari...
Empathic Statements
• It sounds like the plans aren’t
coming together for you.
• It seems difficult to solve a problem
whe...
Statement/Echo questions
• The plans aren’t complete?
• The problem’s not resolved?
• Frustrated?

Copyright Marian Madoni...
Facilitating Statements
•
•
•
•

Uh-huh
Go on
I see
Tell me more

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
3. Strive to Understand
& Build Relationships

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
“Do not do unto others as you
would have them do unto you.
They may not like it.”
 
Mark Twain
Copyright Marian Madonia 19...
Basic Human Needs
To be valued by others
To be in control
To have personal self-esteem

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2...
Do not use the phrase…
“I understand exactly how you
feel…”

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Create an Environment of Goodwill
•
•
•
•
•
•

People have freewill
Clueless factor
INAY
Be aware of natural biases and 
d...
4. Communicate with Purpose

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Politics are the rules and 
activities that people use to get 
what they need.

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Communication Styles
• Passive
• Aggressive
• Passive-Aggressive
• Assertive
Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Definition of Assertiveness

Taking care of your wants and
needs while respecting the wants
and needs of others.
Staff - B...
You are no good to anyone else 
until you have first been good to 
yourself

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
NO!

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
What Style is This?
• Marian, I trust that all your fingers are 
working? Or that you are on the road 
and can not write? ...
How You Say it Matters
Tone – WOW!
 
Body Language
Territorialism

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
5. Manage Conflict Effectively

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Conflict Solutions
•
•
•
•
•

Collaborate
Cooperate
Accommodate
Dominate
Withdraw

= Win/Win
= Lose/Lose
= Lose/Win
= Win/...
Conflict Tips
•
•
•
•
•

Defuse emotions with time
Disagree without being disagreeable
Say no to ideas, not people
Substit...
Defusing Emotions

Allow Time for Venting

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
In the Fewest & Simplest Words
Possible
•Acknowledge the facts
•Behavior/situation affect on you
•Consequences of your req...
Secret Weapons
• You’re right! Or, You Could be right!
• Tell me more.
• I’ve never thought about it that way...
I’ll cons...
Don’t say it in an email if…
• You wouldn’t say it in person
• You are trying to avoid saying it in person
• Your feelings...
3 Tactics for presenting a complaint
• Keep your emotions out of it
• Keep the other persons objectives
in mind
• Ask for ...
Keep Your Sense of Humor!

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
Once in the gardens
o’Rockhill,
Was a case that would give
you a Chill.
When walking one’s Dog,
One would let him leave Lo...
Play in Marian’s Sandbox
Twitter, YouTube, Pinterest
/marianmadonia
Facebook.com/MariansFans
MarianMadonia.com
Copyright M...
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How to Play Well with Others (A Program on Dealing with Difficult People)

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Learn tips on how to deal with the most difficult people in your life. Nasty neighbor? Cranky customer? Prickly peer? Bossy Boss? Improve your communications skills and tap into listening tips that can help you get the edge!

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  • {"38":"I’d like to try that.\nI want us to increase attendance by 20%.\nI need that right away.\nWOW – Just saw something amazing\nYou are completely unimpressed\nYou just saw your dream man/woman\n","27":"SELF Profile\n","22":"(The person will decide if they want to answer)\n","23":"(The person will decide if they want to answer)\n","12":"Improv listening activity\n","47":"Story - Be like a bull (instead of be likeable)\n","25":"(The person will decide if they want to answer)\n","20":"(The person will decide if they want to answer)\n","4":"Influences = Beliefs/Principles/Values\n","32":"Politics exist everywhere. What you have to do is decide what politics you can live with morally, ethically, and value wise, and what politics you can not.\n","21":"(The person will decide if they want to answer)\n"}
  • How to Play Well with Others (A Program on Dealing with Difficult People)

    1. 1. How to Play Well with Others and Get others to Play Well with You A Program on Dealing with Difficult People Situations Marian Madonia, CSP
    2. 2. We are all inherently difficult people Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2011
    3. 3. You know you're a Drama Queen when: 1. You are perpetually in panic mode. 2. You are the cause of all your drama. 3. The running commentary of your life includes every little thing that happens. 4. You think you are a mind reader. 5. You expect other people to be mind readers. 6. You can't tell the difference between opinion & fact. 6. Your Facebook is littered with your drama. 7. You are pandering to fulfill your need for attention sympathy. Let someone else have center stage for a change. 8. You are chronically complaining about everything...large or small 9. You are a walking re-run. 10. You are an expert exaggerator. 11. You are a martyr. Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2011
    4. 4. Bad Habits • • • • • • • Attacking W hining Nagging R ambling Exaggerating One-upmanship Interrupting • • • • • Silent Treatment Name-calling Foul language Yelling Using text, voice mail &/ email for things or that should be done in person Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    5. 5. Communication Traps • Confusing “Responsibility” with “Blame” • Trying to “be right” • Treating the process as though it is in a vacuum • Treating communication and psychology as though they are “pop” science Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    6. 6. Obstacles to Communication Assumptions/Mind Reading Blaming/ Fault-Finding Conflict Habits Defensiveness/Sarcasm Distrust/Grudges Emotions Fear Inconsistency Insensitivity Labeling Listening Skills Perceptions Principles Stress Time Pressures Behavioral Differences/Personality Type Beliefs/Principles/Values Birth Order Career Communication Styles Culture Education Ethics/Integrity Gender Differences Learning Style Left Brain/ Right Brain Orientation Marital Status Religion/Spiritual Beliefs Socio-economic Status Thinking Styles Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    7. 7. D TURN-ONS Control Control Responsibility Mastery Loyalty Fast Pace Attention High Achievements Recognition Adventure Excitement Spontaneity Relationships High Low C Perfection Autonomy Consistency Practical Information I Low Popularity Closeness Affirmation Kindness Caring S
    8. 8. TURN-OFFS Ambiguity Irreverence Laziness Showing emotions Control D I High Lack of enthusiasm Waiting Indecision Convention Relationships High Low C Insensitivity Dissension Insincerity Egotism Over-assertiveness Carelessness Arrogance Fakes Low S
    9. 9. Dogmatic Stubborn Rigid Unapproachable Distant Critical Insensitive Control D LIMITATIONS High Pushy Intimidating Overbearing Restless Impatient Manipulative Abrasive Reactive Dominating I Relationships Low C Slow to get things done Perfectionist Withdrawn Dull Sullen Shy Passive High Low Too other-oriented Indecisive Impractical Vulnerable Hesitant Subjective S
    10. 10. Five Foundations 1. Listen 2. Ask Effective Questions 3. Strive to Understand and Build Relationships 4. Communicate with Purpose 5. Manage Conflict Effectively Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    11. 11. 1. Listen Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    12. 12. “The Key to Listening is Curiosity.” Dr. Ralph Nichols the Father of listening research Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    13. 13. Why Don’t We Listen? • • • • We’re Preoccupied Fatigue In a hurry Can’t focus Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    14. 14. Four Ways to Keep the Door open with Listening 1. Become an active listener 2. Pay attention to nonverbal aspects of message. 3. Listen to the full message before coming to a conclusion. 4. Be patient and empathetic. Not everyone can deliver a message in an interesting way. Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    15. 15. 2. Ask Effective Questions Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    16. 16. Effective Questions Begin… Who What Where How When Why Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    17. 17. Closed-Ended Questions • Do you have a plan? • Can you tell me about the problem? • Are you frustrated? Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    18. 18. Open Ended Questions • What are your plans? • How will you deal with the problem? • What are your frustrations? Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    19. 19. Gentle Commands • Tell me something about your plans • Describe your initial reaction to that problem • Share with me some of your frustrations Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    20. 20. Opt Out Questions • Can you describe your plans? • Can you tell me a little about the problem? • Can you say anything about your frustrations? Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    21. 21. Qualitative Questions • How are the plans going? • How has the problem been? • How’s that situation that’s been frustrating you? Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    22. 22. Statements of Inquiry • The plans aren’t coming along!? • The problems not solved!? • You are frustrated!? Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    23. 23. Empathic Statements • It sounds like the plans aren’t coming together for you. • It seems difficult to solve a problem when you’re often interrupted. • It looks like you’re feeling frustrated. Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    24. 24. Statement/Echo questions • The plans aren’t complete? • The problem’s not resolved? • Frustrated? Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2011
    25. 25. Facilitating Statements • • • • Uh-huh Go on I see Tell me more Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    26. 26. 3. Strive to Understand & Build Relationships Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    27. 27. “Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you. They may not like it.”   Mark Twain Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    28. 28. Basic Human Needs To be valued by others To be in control To have personal self-esteem Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    29. 29. Do not use the phrase… “I understand exactly how you feel…” Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    30. 30. Create an Environment of Goodwill • • • • • • People have freewill Clueless factor INAY Be aware of natural biases and  differences Listen with interest & curiosity Know your hot buttons Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    31. 31. 4. Communicate with Purpose Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    32. 32. Politics are the rules and  activities that people use to get  what they need. Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    33. 33. Communication Styles • Passive • Aggressive • Passive-Aggressive • Assertive Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    34. 34. Definition of Assertiveness Taking care of your wants and needs while respecting the wants and needs of others. Staff - Boss - Peer - Parent Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    35. 35. You are no good to anyone else  until you have first been good to  yourself Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    36. 36. NO! Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    37. 37. What Style is This? • Marian, I trust that all your fingers are  working? Or that you are on the road  and can not write? Just wondering and  hoping that all is well.  Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    38. 38. How You Say it Matters Tone – WOW!   Body Language Territorialism Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    39. 39. 5. Manage Conflict Effectively Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    40. 40. Conflict Solutions • • • • • Collaborate Cooperate Accommodate Dominate Withdraw = Win/Win = Lose/Lose = Lose/Win = Win/Lose = Neither can win Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    41. 41. Conflict Tips • • • • • Defuse emotions with time Disagree without being disagreeable Say no to ideas, not people Substitute “this” for “your” Avoid questions & sentences beginning with “why” or “you” • Seek to understand the issues Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    42. 42. Defusing Emotions Allow Time for Venting Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    43. 43. In the Fewest & Simplest Words Possible •Acknowledge the facts •Behavior/situation affect on you •Consequences of your request/goal •Define your request/goal •Effectively negotiate the “how” Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    44. 44. Secret Weapons • You’re right! Or, You Could be right! • Tell me more. • I’ve never thought about it that way... I’ll consider that. Or, I need some time to think about that. • Give me an example • Have you seen that new Hummer? Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    45. 45. Don’t say it in an email if… • You wouldn’t say it in person • You are trying to avoid saying it in person • Your feelings (or someone close to you) would be hurt receiving something in this way • It involves negative discipline or feedback • You are angry • You are perfectly comfortable seeing your words on the front page of a newspaper Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    46. 46. 3 Tactics for presenting a complaint • Keep your emotions out of it • Keep the other persons objectives in mind • Ask for what you want Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    47. 47. Keep Your Sense of Humor! Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    48. 48. Once in the gardens o’Rockhill, Was a case that would give you a Chill. When walking one’s Dog, One would let him leave Logs, When on the lawn should be Nil. Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
    49. 49. Play in Marian’s Sandbox Twitter, YouTube, Pinterest /marianmadonia Facebook.com/MariansFans MarianMadonia.com Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2013
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