Help Defined: Empowering vs Enabling


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An analysis of criminal thinking, boundary setting, contract building, and ways that a volunteer can ensure that they are being effective by reducuing the potential for being used or conned.

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Help Defined: Empowering vs Enabling

  1. 1. Help Defined: Empowering vs Enabling Workshop Presenter: Malinda D. Wilson, MA Program Specialist, Project Return, Inc.
  2. 2. TOP 10 Indicators You Might Be an Enabling Volunteer <ul><li>10. You have considered buying him a car. </li></ul><ul><li>9. He spends more time at your house than you do. </li></ul><ul><li>8. He tells you when you need to put gas in your car. </li></ul><ul><li>7. You wonder if you can write his meals off your taxes. </li></ul><ul><li>6. Late night runs downtown are a weekly occurrence. </li></ul><ul><li>5. You say to yourself, ”if I don’t do this, he may re-offend.” </li></ul><ul><li>4. Your fellow Church members are giving him regular contributions. </li></ul><ul><li>3. You paid his first month’s rent, and his second, and he is about to ask you for the third… and you actually considered doing it. </li></ul><ul><li>2. You believe (and feel better knowing) that he really didn’t do the crime he was accused of… he was a victim of circumstance. </li></ul><ul><li>1. You keep telling yourself, “With the next guy, I am going to have better boundaries.” </li></ul>
  3. 3. Do not grow weary in doing good… <ul><li>&quot;It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” - Theodore Roosevelt </li></ul>
  4. 4. Definitions
  5. 5. Criminal Thinking Errors encapsulated by Brian Loebig, MBA, CADCIII Ownership Attitude Uniqueness Power Trust Fear of Fear Lack of Time Perspective Lack of Interest in Responsible Performance Lack of Effort Self-View = “good person” “ Victim- Stance” Closed Channel Thinking Cognitive Thinking / Processing
  6. 6. Closed Channel Thinking <ul><li>Not Receptive </li></ul><ul><li>Not Self Critical </li></ul><ul><li>No Disclosure </li></ul><ul><li>Good at pointing out and giving feedback on other’s faults </li></ul><ul><li>Lies by omission / distortion, tell only what benefits themselves </li></ul><ul><li>Not willing to reveal much about themselves </li></ul>
  7. 7. Victimstance <ul><li>Views self as “Victim” </li></ul><ul><li>Blames others, social conditions, etc. </li></ul><ul><li>Exhibited by anger outbursts </li></ul>
  8. 8. Views Self as “Good Person” <ul><li>Focuses only on their positive attributes </li></ul><ul><li>Fails to acknowledge their destructive behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Builds self up at other’s expense, may point out your inadequacies </li></ul><ul><li>False pride corresponds to an extremely high and inflexible evaluation of oneself </li></ul>
  9. 9. Lack of Effort <ul><li>Unwilling to do anything they find “boring,” disagreeable, or uncomfortable </li></ul><ul><li>“ I can’t” means “I won’t” </li></ul><ul><li>Examples: Avoiding the effort and refusing to perform in some situations </li></ul><ul><li>Note: to live responsibly, the criminal must place trust in others when they do not have that person’s particular knowledge or experience. </li></ul>
  10. 10. Lack of Interest in Responsible Performance <ul><li>Responsible living = unexciting and unsatisfying </li></ul><ul><li>No sense of obligation </li></ul><ul><li>Will respond only if they net an immediate payoff </li></ul><ul><li>A. Exhibited by urge for instant gratification </li></ul>
  11. 11. Lack of Time Perspective <ul><li>Does not use past as a learning tool </li></ul><ul><li>Expects others to act immediately on their demands </li></ul><ul><li>Decisions are made on assumptions, not facts </li></ul><ul><li>Sense of contempt before investigation </li></ul>
  12. 12. Fear of Fear <ul><li>Irrational fears but refuses to admit them </li></ul><ul><li>Fundamental fear of injury or death </li></ul><ul><li>Profound fear of “put-down” </li></ul><ul><li>When held accountable, they experience “zero-state” – with feelings of worthlessness </li></ul>
  13. 13. Power Trust <ul><li>Compelled need to be in control of every situation </li></ul><ul><li>Uses manipulation and deceit </li></ul><ul><li>Tells others what they want to hear </li></ul><ul><li>Refuses to be dependant unless they can take advantage of the situation </li></ul><ul><li>Secretive even when there is no apparent need to be </li></ul><ul><li>Examples: The Big Shot, the Tough Guy, the Loser, and Slickness </li></ul>
  14. 14. Uniqueness <ul><li>Different and better than others </li></ul><ul><li>Expects of others that which they fail to meet </li></ul><ul><li>Super-optimism cuts fear of failure </li></ul><ul><li>Quits at the first sign of failure </li></ul>
  15. 15. Ownership Attitude <ul><li>Perceives all things and people as objects to possess </li></ul><ul><li>No concept of ownership rights of others </li></ul><ul><li>Sex for power and control- not intimacy </li></ul>
  16. 16. Some Tactics <ul><li>Using vagueness. “Someone”, “I will think about it”, “Maybe”, “If I feel like it.” </li></ul><ul><li>Diverting attention away from self by introducing irrelevant material or invoking racial issues </li></ul><ul><li>Attempting to confuse and throw off track </li></ul><ul><li>Minimizing “I just got into a little trouble” </li></ul><ul><li>Agree w/o meaning it </li></ul><ul><li>(Loebig) </li></ul>
  17. 17. More Tactics <ul><li>Silence </li></ul><ul><li>Making a scene about a minor point </li></ul><ul><li>Putting off doing something by saying “I forgot” </li></ul><ul><li>Putting others on the defensive </li></ul><ul><li>Accusing others of misunderstanding </li></ul><ul><li>Claiming that they have changed because they did something right once. </li></ul><ul><li>(Loebig) </li></ul>
  18. 18. Pro-Social vs. Anti-Social Living World Surviving World <ul><li>Spiritual (inspiration) </li></ul><ul><li>Commitment, </li></ul><ul><li>Listening, </li></ul><ul><li>Prayer, </li></ul><ul><li>Meditation, </li></ul><ul><li>Understanding </li></ul><ul><li>Ritual (desperation ) </li></ul><ul><li>No or too many Commitments, </li></ul><ul><li>Talking, </li></ul><ul><li>Confusion, </li></ul><ul><li>Demanding to be Understood </li></ul><ul><li>by: Larry Vanden Bosch, Corrections Counselor </li></ul>
  19. 19. Pro-Social vs. Anti-Social Living World Surviving World <ul><li>Mental (creation) </li></ul><ul><li>Thought Process </li></ul><ul><li>Positive Attitude and World-view </li></ul><ul><li>Mental (recreation) </li></ul><ul><li>No Respect for Thought Process </li></ul><ul><li>Negative Attitude and World-view </li></ul>(Bosch)
  20. 20. Pro-Social vs. Anti-Social Living World Surviving World <ul><li>Physical (action) </li></ul><ul><li>Planning </li></ul><ul><li>Sufficient Energy </li></ul><ul><li>Physical (inaction or over-action) </li></ul><ul><li>No Planning </li></ul><ul><li>+/- Energy </li></ul>(Bosch)
  21. 21. Pro-Social vs. Anti-Social Living World Surviving World <ul><li>Emotional (evaluation) </li></ul><ul><li>Aware of Attitude- What was created </li></ul><ul><li>Gratitude </li></ul><ul><li>Expressive </li></ul><ul><li>Growth </li></ul><ul><li>Emotional (recklessness) </li></ul><ul><li>Confusion </li></ul><ul><li>Everybody Owes Me </li></ul><ul><li>Repressive or Inappropriate Expression </li></ul><ul><li>Repeat behaviors </li></ul>(Bosch)
  22. 22. Pro-Social vs. Anti-Social Living World Surviving World <ul><li>Social (Prosocial) </li></ul><ul><li>Pro-social </li></ul><ul><li>Healthy relations </li></ul><ul><li>For the good of society </li></ul><ul><li>Demonstrates value of family </li></ul><ul><li>Social (Antisocial) </li></ul><ul><li>Anti-social </li></ul><ul><li>Unhealthy relations </li></ul><ul><li>What do I get out of it </li></ul><ul><li>Bored Easily </li></ul>(Bosch)
  23. 23. Pro-Social vs. Anti-Social Living World Surviving World <ul><li>Willpower </li></ul><ul><li>Stick-to-it-iveness </li></ul><ul><li>In for the long run </li></ul><ul><li>Responsible </li></ul><ul><li>Accountable </li></ul><ul><li>False Pride </li></ul><ul><li>No Commitment </li></ul><ul><li>Instant Gratification </li></ul><ul><li>Expects people / places / things to bring happiness and meet needs </li></ul>(Bosch)
  24. 24. Added Factor = Emotional Incarceration <ul><li>Incarceration has a powerful effect on mental health and how ex-inmates relate to others, as well as interactions with their families. Institutionalization and a conscious/unconscious desire to return to the safety and routine of prison life play an important role in the likelihood of recidivism. And affects abilities such as decision making/negotiation skills. </li></ul>
  25. 25. So What is My Role? <ul><li>Role Model </li></ul><ul><li>Encourager </li></ul><ul><li>Mentor </li></ul><ul><li>Advisor </li></ul><ul><li>Coach </li></ul><ul><li>Sponsor </li></ul><ul><li>Accountability Buddy </li></ul><ul><li>Friend, maybe (no expectations, here) </li></ul><ul><li>Other: ___________________________ </li></ul>STAY CLEAR , AS TO WHAT IS GOING ON, IN YOUR INTERACTIONS
  26. 26. Teaching Your Mentee New Ways of Thinking <ul><li>Know and teach the right principles (deterrents to Criminal Thinking) </li></ul><ul><li>The goal is to create new thinking patterns </li></ul><ul><li>Everyone read and apply Boundaries (Drs. Cloud & Townsend material) </li></ul><ul><li>Encourage your mentee to work a 12 Step Recovery based program; “I am powerless over my human condition…” </li></ul><ul><li>Follow the rules of the Written Covenant </li></ul>
  27. 27. Developing Healthy Relationships through a Written Covenant <ul><li>I will stand for what is right </li></ul><ul><li>I will encourage you to respect the rights of others and realize the effect of past behavior </li></ul><ul><li>I will encourage you to own and use your plan for changing yourself </li></ul><ul><li>I will not manipulate, control, or intimidate you and I ask the same from you </li></ul>
  28. 28. <ul><li>I will not tolerate any games, I will make choices for myself </li></ul><ul><li>I will help make interactions constructive </li></ul><ul><li>I will encourage you to change from the inside out </li></ul><ul><li>I will not keep secrets, as secrets are not safe </li></ul><ul><li>I will hold you accountable because I will “walk the talk” with you </li></ul><ul><li>Both individuals sign and date </li></ul>
  29. 29. Deterrents <ul><li>Deterrent #1– Stop– Think of the Immediate Consequences </li></ul><ul><li>Deterrent #2 – Stop- Think about Who Gets Hurt… similar actions have ripple effects </li></ul><ul><li>Deterrent #3 – Plan Ahead – Make Another Choice… consider the poison, Avoid! </li></ul><ul><li>Deterrent #4 – Examine Conscience – Think about your Morals and Potential Injuries </li></ul><ul><li>Deterrent #5 – Do Not Dwell On It - Replace with a positive alternative </li></ul>
  30. 30. Serenity Prayer <ul><li>God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, </li></ul><ul><li>the courage to change the things I can, and </li></ul><ul><li>the wisdom to know the difference. </li></ul><ul><li>Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; </li></ul><ul><li>Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. </li></ul><ul><li>Amen. </li></ul><ul><li>Reinhold Niebuhr </li></ul>
  31. 31. Sources <ul><li>Stanton Samenow Home Web Page </li></ul><ul><li>Corrective Thinking Therapy by: Ron Fawcett and Dave Koerner </li></ul><ul><li>Truthought LLC (Corrective Thinking Seminars, Workbooks, Training, etc.) </li></ul><ul><li>Intro to Corrective Thinking by: Leslie Mathewson </li></ul><ul><li>The Criminal Personality by: C.T. Genre (a critical evaluation of Samenow's theories) </li></ul><ul><li>Crime Times Book Review: Inside the Criminal Mind by Stanton Samenow </li></ul><ul><li>Care and (Treatment / Social Work / Corrections Resources and Links) </li></ul><ul><li>Malinda Wilson can be reached at 615-554-5075 </li></ul>