A Strategy taken from Olweus to illustrate to students their roles in an RA incident. Use only if you understand this. You can find an explanation in Barbara Colorso ’s book The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander.
Victims are between 8-15% of the population. These are chronic victims who are repeatedly victimized. They usually need special support beyond the classroom. The same is true for the chronic aggressors, who often show aggressive behavior early. If taken to a different environment, they may likely be aggressors there. These students also may need special services to learn more appropriate coping strategies. The majority of kids switch roles. The role of the KIM is fluid. One day they might be an aggressor, the next a victim, and the next a KIM. When given strategies, they can choose which roles to play and make a great impact on the social climate of a school. When they are encouraged to intervene, they can affect the dynamics of an RA situation. The revenge cycle keeps the aggression going.
These are reasons why we focus on the beliefs and behaviors of the kids in the middle. We need to teach kids that it we need to protect each other rather than staying out of each other ’s life. But we need to take actions to protect each other that are safe for us. WE do not belief in putting any child at risk. These are multiple ways to intervene.
Mentoring Partnership Spring 2012 Breakfast / Bullying
Relational Aggression Workshop Tips & Tools for Mentors By Renée Haber 1
The Teasing Continuum from Barbara Coloroso’s The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander Teasing Bullying• Both people swap roles w/ease • Is based on an imbalance of• Is innocent, not intended to hurt power• Maintains everyone’s dignity • Is sinister, intended to harm• Is meant to make both people • Involves humiliation, demeaning laugh comments disguised as jokes• Stops when someone becomes • Laughter is at the target, not with upset the target • Continues especially after someone becomes upset Topics Off Limits To All: Race, Religion, Physical Attributes, Gender, Mental Ability 4
Bullying . . .Negative actions carried out by physical contact,words, making faces, gestures, rumors, intentionalexclusion (Olweus, 1997)Three Criteria Intention to harm Carried out repeatedly Relationship characterized by an imbalance of power 5
What gives some kids more power than others? Michael Thompson’s top 3 criteria for popularity: Boys: Girls: Sports Looks Size Clothes Humor Charisma The computer is the great equalizer! 6
Bullying (Peer Aggression) can be . . .Physical: harm or threat of harm to a person or his/ her propertyVerbal: spoken acts of harm (threats, putdowns, name calling)Relational: intending to hurt someone by harming their relationshipsCyber: the use of information & communication technologies to support deliberate and repeated hostile behavior (beware of cumulative effect) It’s all harassment – creates a hostile environment, and interferes with a student’s ability to learn! 7
Examples of Cyberbullying• Masquerading - pretending to be someone else while sending/posting harassing material• Flaming – sending angry, rude or vulgar messages• Outing/Trickery – sending/posting sensitive, private or embarrassing information about a person. Attempting to solicit embarrassing information that is then made public. (The Ophelia Project, 8 2012)
Where does bullying most frequently happen? 1. Hallways 2. Playgrounds 3. Cafeterias 4. Bathrooms 5. Buses 6. Internet, etc.What do all these places have in common? Minimal adult supervision! 10
The Latest Research (from Ophelia and others)• RA is equally as harmful as physical aggression.• Studies show girls are as aggressive as boys.• RA can be seen in children as young as preschool and appears to peak in middle school.• Peer Aggression may be related to loneliness, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, cutting, substance abuse and suicide.• Aggressive behavior is stable over time – it will not go away by itself!• Several studies show that more aggressive bullies often have criminal records later in life.• A recent CAPS survey of 6th & 7th graders on LI found that 83% said their school had a bullying problem; 45% said it was significant or severe. 11
Why is bullying worse today?Dr. Dorothy Espelage, University ofIllinois at Urbana-Champaign, suspectsits related to a growing trend amongparents - arranging playdates: "Onehypothesis might be that the reliance ofparents on playdates ... is sending thismessage that if youre not in thisparticular playdate youre beingexcluded." (NPR, 2002) 12
2 Basic Types of Aggressors:Proactive Aggressor: Hurts someone to gain power (the antidote is empathy)Reactive Aggressor: Hurts someone to retaliate (the antidote is forgiveness) 13
There are 2 different kinds of victims:• The Passive Victim - This type of victim is submissive, often alone and insecure, signaling that he or she is an easy target and will not retaliate.• The Provocative Victim - This type of victim behaves in ways that may be characterized as annoying (ex: an ADHD child with poor impulse control). According to Barbara Coloroso: “The kid with physical and/or mental disabilities is 2-3 times more likely to be bullied.” 14
The Roles Children Play Aggressor (often called the bully) Bystander (the kid in the middle) Target (the victim of the aggressor *) Defender/Upstander (the one who stops the aggressor) * It is important to recognize the difference between the words target & victim. Just because a child is targeted, she does not have to become a victim! 15
Elie Wiesel: The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The Kids in the Middle… • Are about 70-80% of children • Intervene about 15% of the time, yet have a high success rate!!! • Have similar feelings to the victim and may show lasting effects • Need a safe, supportive environment • Need to learn strategies • Are the key to stopping peer aggression! 18
Warning Signs of a Child Who is Bullied1. Shows an abrupt lack of interest in, or refusal to go to, school.2. Takes an unusual route to school; does not want to ride the bus.3. Experiences a drop in grades.4. Withdraws from family & school activities, wants to be alone.5. Has few or no friends.6. Becomes aggressive, irritable or quick tempered7. Hungry after school; says he lost his lunch money or wasn’t hungry at school.8. Taking parents money.9. Runs to bathroom when she gets home. The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander 19
Warning Signs Continued1. Is sad, angry or scared after receiving a phone call or e-mail.2. Does something out of character.3. Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking about peers.4. Stops talking about peers & everyday activities.5. Has disheveled, torn or missing clothing.6. Has physical injuries inconsistent with explanation.7. Has stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks, nightmares, is unable to sleep, sleeps too much, is exhausted.8. Is overly concerned about personal safety. 20 The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander
What’s the difference between tattling and reporting? It’s a difference of intention!• Tattling – is about • Reporting – is about getting someone in keeping someone trouble. safe. 22
23 Empowering the KIM• Mt. Everest Story – bravery/fear/courage• Explore HERO stories & the truth about strength• Magic words: According to Dr. Craig, If one child says, ‘Stop it!’ it can end the bullying in 10 seconds.”
How many friends does the average kid have?Experts say . . . FiveBut, she only needs . . . One! 24
Toni Morrison, 2000 “Does your face light up when your child walks in the room?” 25
Helping Children Make Friends• Make a list, with the child of everything she/he is good at (ex: math, art, sports, dancing, singing, sharing, etc.) and say, “Anyone would want to be your friend!”• Personal hygiene; it’s important!• Compliment 3 people a day.• Be a good listener – it makes others feel important.• Practice smiling – look in the mirror.• Look people in the eye when talking to them. How Kids Make Friends…Secrets for Making Lots of Friends, No Matter How Shy You Are 27
Tips to try if you’re shy . . . • Start the day by saying hi to at least 1 person; or, tell someone teasing you to stop. • Prepare for Conversation - Make a list of 3 topics you’re comfortable talking about and use it with someone you’d like to know better. • Invite someone to get together. Stick Up For Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide To Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem 28
Questions to ask your mentees: • Are there any bullies in your class? • What kinds of things do they do or say? • Are there kids in your class who tend to get picked on? • Do they ever bully you? 30
How to Respond:► Take the child seriously, and reassure him it’s not his fault.► Listenwith empathy, and share a time you went through something similar.► Ask, “What have you done so far? Do any teachers know?” Help identify adults to go to for help.► Say you will help HER solve the problem.► Brainstorm a list of options to try (good and bad).► Role play responses to bullies. 31
Advice for Parents of VictimsDo . . . Don’t . . .•Do use a well-rounded •Don’t confront the bully’s approach! Inform the parent (unless it’s someone school and “coach” the you know really well - this kid (use role play). is the exception, NOT the rule).•Do keep a written record (calendar); take •Don’t overreact! You might pictures if there is make things worse. physical evidence. 32
Advice for Kids/VictimsThe Do’s . . . The Don’ts . . .•Do stick up for yourself, with eye •Don’t cry (it gives the contact and a firm, confident voice bully more power). (deeper & louder). •Don’t try to get revenge•Do stay calm, take deep breaths & (it will make the bullying walk away. increase).•Do practice positive self-talk. •Don’t fight back (bullies are often stronger).•Do report bullying. Tell the adults who can help (parents, teachers, •Don’t skip school. principals, bus drivers, etc.). Keep telling until you get the results you need. Stick Up For Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide To Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem 33
Responding to Bullies:• Agree, then turn it into a Compliment: “Yes, I am short. It must be great to be tall like you.” – then, walk away from the Bully, toward other people.• Give feedback: “Ouch. That hurts. I’m out of here.” – then, walk away from the Bully, toward other people.• Make a simple statement: “I’m trying to like you, but you’re making it really hard.” – then, walk away from the Bully, toward other people. 34
35 Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
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