The finished script for Assenav Production's Fast Love, a comedy short, 6 to 7 minutes in length, about average-man, John, trying to find love at a speed-dating event, but the speed-daters are a little more eccentric than he had hoped.
FAST LOVE – ISSUE 01
JOHN M. HEATS - protagonist character who goes speed dating -
an average man who has been content in life up until now. He
is averagely confident and dresses not-too-casual but never
KEITH BELLOWS - flamboyant speed dating manager - dresses
extravagantly with bright colours and walks with big and
MOLLY - first speed date for JOHN - she is fairly average but
dresses as if she lives in five different decades.
HOLLY - second speed date for JOHN - she is attractive, maybe
a little too attractive for JOHN, and this makes him feel very
awkward. She has long blonde hair and wears a pretty red short
dress and has a little bit too much make-up on, though not
overly excessive. She wears black high heels.
POLLY - third speed date for JOHN - she is a mature woman, in
her mid 60's, who dresses as if she thinks she can still pull
20 year old students at the local night club.
DOLLY - fourth speed date for JOHN –she is a bit of an
emotional rollercoaster. A single mother with 3 kids in a
house that‟s seen better days. She has turned to speed dating
in a desperate attempt to find someone to share her load.
DAVE - fifth speed date for JOHN - DAVE is a homosexual man,
who wears motorbike leathers and a red bandana. He is quite
flirtatious, often leaning forward to engage in conversations.
JOHN is significantly awkward around him.
JOHN M. HEATS (JOHN) is a lonely man looking for love. He
ventures out one night to a speed dating session. Upon
entering, he is reluctant - almost walking out - but KEITH
BELLOWS, floor manager, draws him back in. During his time
there, JOHN meets many diverse characters. However, he finds
himself still without true love. £20 down, he returns home to
his collection of cardboard cutouts of himself [This will act
as our narrative twist to end the short film].
EXT. OUTSIDE JOHN‟S HOUSE – EVENING
JOHN has just left his house and is walking to the speed
dating venue. He looks slightly forlorn and as though
something is missing, though this emotion shouldn‟t be
projected to the extreme. A non-diegetic score – with an eerie
piano feel – is playing. At this point, still titles are
fading in and out, displaying cast and crew names.
[Slightly slow and thoughtful] I‟ve never been the sort of man
to do something like this. To be fair, I‟ve always been a bit
cynical about the idea. It‟s just another thing I could do
without. I‟m going to pay money to participate in a load of
shit. An abstract idea personified by physical acts and
gestures. Being 33 is an interesting age: halfway between
nightclub sensation and living with 7 cats. That‟s what it
feels like anyway.
JOHN now has the speed-dating venue in sight.
[With a hint of anxiousness] Right, this must be it.
EXT. OUTSIDE SPEED DATING HALL - EVENING
JOHN approaches the speed-dating hall. He reaches for
the door handle, and moves into the building.
INT. SPEED DATING HALL – EVENING
Realising the event has already begun, he checks his
watch to see he is two minutes late. He walks forward
two steps before KEITH BELLOWS approaches him.
[Enthusiastically] Ah hello there! My name is Keith. I assume
you‟re here for the speed dating... or as we like to call it:
„Spating‟. [Turns round to address speed daters] Don‟t we
[Turns back to JOHN] Ah, we do.
JOHN looks hesitant and considers telling KEITH he‟s in the
[Reluctantly] Yeah... yeah I am, yeah.
[In a high voice] Fabulous. [Normal voice] We‟ll get you
seated right away at a spare table, or a spable [he chuckles
to himself and quickly glances over his shoulder].
JOHN remains a little reluctant
Okay then, right this way.
KEITH rings the bell. JOHN is shown over to a table.
JOHN is seated opposite Molly.
[Upbeat] Hello. Hi. This is exciting isn‟t it?
[Matter of fact attitude] I‟m an engineer. And a homeowner.
[Negatively surprised] Well that‟s great. How-
[Interrupts] When I was younger I always thought I‟d be a
pilot. Never quite worked out though.
[Clearly doesn‟t know what she‟s taking about – grammatical
error is intentional] I personally don‟t agree with planes,
that much emissions is bad.
JOHN emits an agitated groan. Then tries to change the subject
before he gets angry.
I quite like art myself
[Eagerly] Ah brilliant me too, but I feel like all the money
people spend on it could help the environment more, like the
JOHN lets out another painful groan, but this time buries his
face in his hands aswell.
The scene has now cut to John talking to the second speed
VOICEOVER [Talking to himself]
Right, come on Johnny boy. It‟s time for a game changer, time
to let them know who‟s the daddy, you‟ve got this.
[Confidently] You‟re extremely pretty.
[Smugly] Well, many people do say so.
John smiles.There is a short awkward pause.
I‟m a fireman, and a homeowner.
That‟s great. I work in an office. I hate it.All those lonely
old men always hitting on me.
So how come you‟re here? If you‟re this attractive, why do you
come to these crappy events?
As JOHN says this line, the camera pans down from a side-view
of the table to reveal a MICROPHONE sitting underneath. CUT TO
INT. Keith‟s Secret Office – Evening
KEITH is sat with HEADPHONES on and a CARTON OF FRUIT JUICE in
his right hand. JOHN‟s previous line repeats, causing KEITH‟s
facial expression to turn into that of shock, crushing his
JUICE through anger.
INT. Speed Dating Hall - Evening
There must be something wrong with you! Do you have severe
athlete‟s foot as well?
Me neither, why are you mentioning athlete‟s foot?
INT. John‟s Bathroom – Daytime
Camera show aframed CERTIFICATE for „Worst Case of Athlete‟s
Foot 2013‟. CUT BACK TO
INT. Speed Dating Hall - Evening
The scene will now switch to John’s third date, POLLY.
[POLLY has a CIGARETTE in her mouth, she speaks with a
reasonably gruff voice] You alright there sweetheart?
JOHN looks mildly uncomfortable.
I am, I am. And how are you?
Oh I‟m just fine, my love.
KEITH leans in from off-screen and removes the CIGARETTE from
He leans back off-screen before quickly re-appearing.
[Having just had a brainwave] Spoking! Or spoking.
He lingers for a second to see their reactions. There is none.
He goes off-screen once more, wounded.
POLLYattempts to rest her palm on JOHN‟s hand, but he pulls
back just in time.
[Grinning] More so now I‟ve seen your lovely face!
POLLY can tell JOHN isn‟t too keen.
So, what do you do for a living?
I‟m a rugby player.And a homeowner.
[Suggestively] So you‟ve got nice strong arms then?
I have yes. Watch this.
JOHN tries his hardest to lift the table from his side, though
Yep, that‟s solid oak.
INT. Keith‟s Secret Office – Evening
KEITH is still listening into the conversation via HEADPHONES,
though this time is just piercing the foil on a new CARTON OF
JUICE. As JOHN‟s last line repeats through the HEADPHONES, his
facial expression shows anger once more and he crushes the
JUICE yet again.
CUT BACK TO
INT. Speed Dating Hall - Evening
I do like a man with strong arms.
[Looking smug with himself] Me too.
A short pause.
The scene will now switch to John’s fourth date, DOLLY.
JOHN is sat at the next table on his own. After a short wait,
DOLLY sits down opposite him, sounding flustered.
Hi, sorry I‟m late, I had to wait for the babysitter.
Ah, it‟s fine! I know how it is!
Oh, do you have children?
[Slightly hesitantly]… No. But I am in the army! As well as
being a homeowner.
[Tearing up] My husband was a homeowner! [Getting worse] That
was before he left us, and stopped talking to the kids.
DOLLY raises her hands in front of her face.
[Beginning to cry] It‟s just so… hard.
DOLLY is now crying. JOHN reaches out to place his hand on her
Hey now, it‟s alright.
JOHN looks around, as if to escape.
[Quietly] I‟ll just get Keith.
[Turning to his right] Keith?
Camera pans to the left to reveal KEITH sat, crossed-legged,
The scene will now switch to John’s fifth date, DAVE.
DAVE sits down opposite JOHN.
Oh, hi. I guess there must have been a mistake. What do we do?
Do we ju-
DAVE interrupts him.
What do you mean?
Well… It‟s just… I‟m not uh… I‟m not actually gay.
[He groans] Ugh, I hate these pre-conceived notions. Gay,
straight, they‟re all just labels and I hate labels!
He picks up his BOTTLE OF COKE and drinks from it. The label
has clearly been ripped off.
Umm… but I‟m just… uhh… well I‟m just saying that I‟m not…
Is anybody really gay? I mean, what even is „gay‟?
[Becoming frustrated] Yes. You are, you are literally gay.
Dave pushes his chair back over dramatically, however he goes
quite far and knocks KEITH over. KEITH says nothing except a
slight squeal as it happens.
The scene will now switch back to JOHN and MOLLY.
Did you know that in the last 10 years the average temperature
of the Earth has risen by 0.3 degrees?
[Bored and sarcastic] No I didn‟t, tell me moooore.
[Enthusiastic] Ok! Did you know tha-
JOHN gets up and walks away without saying another word.
The scene will now cut back to JOHN and HOLLY.
Chanel or Gucci?
I‟m a lasagne man myself.
HOLLY looks at JOHN with a face of disgust.
The scene will now cut back to JOHN and POLLY.
I must say you don‟t look much like a professional rugby
Aah… it‟s because I‟m injured
Oooh you poor dear, do you need a massage?
Noooooo, no nonothankyou
The scene will now cut back to JOHN and DOLLY.
Dolly is in a flood of emotions, crying with her head on the
table. John reaches over the table, about to put his hand on
her shoulder. He decides against it and slowly gets up and
walks away from the table.
The scene will now cut back to JOHN and DAVE
There is an awkward pause, and JOHN glances at his watch.
[Attempting to act well] Oh look at the time, you know I
really should be going.
We‟ve still got 53 seconds left.
Look, I think you‟ve got the wrong end of the stick here…
I‟ll get whatever end of the stick you want me to.
[Emphasis on “That‟s”] Well that‟s inappropriate.
John gets up and walks away from the table, then glances up at
the clock, he then proceeds to walk out the front door,
KEITH sees him exiting and quickly runs to stop him but is too
late, JOHN is gone.
[Distraught] No! We‟ve got 7 now! Its odd! [Now on his knees,
banging the floor with each syllable] Its! OOOOOODDDDDDD!
KEITH stands up, looking defeated. There is a short silence,
as KEITH breathes heavily, coming to terms with the loss of
[Trying to lighten the mood] Well isn‟t that… Odd
[Angrily and without remorse] NOT NOW DAVE!
EXT. Street leading to his home – Evening
Well that was a bloody disaster! I don‟t know why I even
bothered. I‟ve never needed love before and I sure as hell
don‟t need it now. I‟ve got all I need waiting for me at home.
He‟ll never leave me.
INT. John‟s Home – Evening
JOHN enters his home and removes his coat. Throwing his KEYS
on the side, he enters his bedroom. The camera is now looking
directly at JOHN, face-on.
Hey, good lookin‟, sorry I‟ve not been home, I was a little
busy. But I‟m all yours now.
Cut to a shot of a CARDBOARD CUT-OUT of JOHN stood beside the
bed, a smile beaming on his face.
Don‟t be like this babe. I‟m back now!
Cut to JOHN lying on his back on his bed, facing the ceiling,
his hands on his stomach.
I don‟t have time for love. It‟s just too much hassle, trying
to impress people, y‟know?
JOHN looks to his left, as the camera pans over to the
CARDBOARD CUT-OUT lying beside him, also facing up. Showing
the exact same expression as earlier.
[Relaxed] Ahh, you always know just what to say.
JOHN rolls over and switches off the light.