Negotiating With Your Spouse
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Negotiating With Your Spouse

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How to effectively negotiate with your spouse to stay married.

How to effectively negotiate with your spouse to stay married.

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Negotiating With Your Spouse Negotiating With Your Spouse Presentation Transcript

  • Negotiating With Your Spouse How to Stay Married Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2009
  • The Pattern of a Relationship
    • You meet and fall in love
    • What is love
    • How long is your engagement?
    • Did you work through any problems
    • How long does the honeymoon last?
    • Why does the honeymoon end?
    • What do you do after the honeymoon ends?
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • The Pattern of a Marriage
    • The Wedding
    • Post Wedding
    • Your Spouse’s Family
    • Your Spouse’s Parents
    • Your Spouse’s Personality
    • Your Spouse’s Personal Habits
    • Is your spouse still beautiful/handsome?
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com View slide
  • Having Children
    • Joys of Parenthood
    • Who is more important: the children or your spouse?
    • How busy are you?
    • Who is taking care of the children?
    • Who is doing the housework?
    • Who is working outside of the house?
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com View slide
  • Money Issues
    • Do you have too much money?
    • Do you have too little money?
    • What can you do about it?
    • Do you have just about the right amount of money?
    • Do you have joint or separate accounts or both?
    • Do you make money decisions together or separately?
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Contribution Issues
    • Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight?
    • Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight?
    • What to do if there is an imbalance?
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Gender Roles/Expectations
    • Are gender roles/expectations a problem?
    • What if your spouse is at home with or without the children?
    • What if your spouse is un- or under-employed?
    • What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family?
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Distorted thinking
    • We should never have conflict
    • My spouse should meet all of my needs
    • Getting into mental ruts
    • Getting into behavioral ruts
    • “ I can change my spouse”
    Mind Games © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Finding “The One”
    • Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)?
    • What is a soul mate?
    • Becoming the perfect one
    • Marriage creates soul mates
    • Marriage is commitment
    • Making marriage your career
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • It Takes One to Tango
    • Annoying thought but true
    • Changes you make can affect your spouse
    • It’s like training your dog
    • Your spouse may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Corrosive Events & Circumstances
        • Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement.
        • Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement.
        • Illness of a child.
        • Behavioral issues of a child.
        • Illness of spouse.
        • Death of spouse’s parents
        • Loss of money or job
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • We Thought We Were So Compatible…
    • Differences in spending
    • Different interests and hobbies
    • Different concept of vacations
    • Differences in how you wish to spend free time
    • Differences in religion/spirituality
    • Differences in child rearing methods
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Conflict Can Be Good
    • Don’t let it burn out of control
    • Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage
    • What not to do
    • Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint
    • Don’t attack each other’s character
    • Showing contempt
    • Stonewalling
    • Blaming
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • What to Do About It
    • The Laurie Israel Plan for Staying Married
    • Studies on staying with it
    • Problem about sharing bad things with friends/family
    • Some things you can change
    • Some things never change
    • Walking around problem areas
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • What to Do About It, Part 2
    • Communicating verbally
    • Hot speech
    • Using “I” words
    • Asking the powerful non-defensive question
    • Communicating in writing
    • The problems with email
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • What to Do About It, Part 3
    • Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words
    • Encouraging good behavior with “predictions”
    • Creating clear boundaries
    • Protecting yourself
    • Disarming your spouse
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • What to Do About It, Part 4
    • Demonstrating respect to your spouse
    • What to do if your spouse does not demonstrate respect to you.
    • Bargaining with your spouse.
    • Accepting imperfections
    • Promoting freedom for each of you
    • Promoting self growth
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Counteracting Marital Malaise
    • Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions
    • Counteracting marital dissatisfaction
    • Encouraging compassion
    • Discouraging resentment
    • Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Marriage is Important
    • Why marriage is important
    • Why marriage deserves your attention
    • Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else
    • Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals
    • If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Financial Security
    • The third leg of a three-legged stool
    • Work hard to create financial security
    • Make sure money is not scarce
    • Enjoy your life
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Forgiveness
    • Everybody makes mistakes
    • Everybody says things wrong
    • Let things pass
    • Assume your spouse (and you) will learn from your mistakes
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Fidelity
    • Be faithful and do not have an affair
    • What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair
    • What to do if your spouse has an actual affair
    • What to do if you are having an emotional affair
    • What to do if you are having an actual affair
    • Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage
    • The different types of infidelity
    • How people can heal their marriages
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Expectations
    • Don’t think marriage is perfect
    • Don’t think marriage is easy
    • Be satisfied with the things you have
    • Know that both or you are doing the best that you can
    • Always assume the best of your spouse
    • Don’t think it is greener on the other side
    • Compliment your spouse at least once a day
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided
    • Unnecessary
    • Starting over with same problems
    • Financially devastating
    • Should you stay married because of the children?
    • Learning about life and reconciliation
    • A shared history of memories and experiences
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  • Where to Get Help
          • It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track
          • Read books on marriage
          • Go to marriage websites
          • Attend marriage retreat programs
          • Marriage counseling
          • Individual counseling/therapy
          • Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married)
          • See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what a divorce would look like
    © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com