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Negotiating With Your Spouse How to Stay Married Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © ...
The Pattern of a Relationship <ul><li>You meet and fall in love </li></ul><ul><li>What is love </li></ul><ul><li>How long ...
The Pattern of a Marriage <ul><li>The Wedding </li></ul><ul><li>Post Wedding </li></ul><ul><li>Your Spouse’s Family </li><...
Having Children <ul><li>Joys of Parenthood </li></ul><ul><li>Who is more important: the children or your spouse? </li></ul...
Money Issues <ul><li>Do you have too much money? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have too little money? </li></ul><ul><li>What ca...
Contribution Issues <ul><li>Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight? </li></ul><ul><li>Does he/she feel tha...
Gender Roles/Expectations <ul><li>Are gender roles/expectations a problem? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse is at hom...
<ul><li>Distorted thinking </li></ul><ul><li>We should never have conflict </li></ul><ul><li>My spouse should meet all of ...
Finding “The One” <ul><li>Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)? </li></ul><ul><li>What is a soul mate?  </l...
It Takes One to Tango <ul><li>Annoying thought but true </li></ul><ul><li>Changes you make can affect your spouse </li></u...
Corrosive Events & Circumstances <ul><ul><ul><li>Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>...
We Thought We Were So Compatible… <ul><li>Differences in spending </li></ul><ul><li>Different interests and hobbies </li><...
Conflict Can Be Good <ul><li>Don’t let it burn out of control </li></ul><ul><li>Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marria...
What to Do About It <ul><li>The Laurie Israel Plan for Staying Married </li></ul><ul><li>Studies on staying with it </li><...
What to Do About It, Part 2 <ul><li>Communicating verbally </li></ul><ul><li>Hot speech </li></ul><ul><li>Using “I” words ...
What to Do About It, Part 3 <ul><li>Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words </li></ul><ul><li>Encouraging ...
What to Do About It, Part 4 <ul><li>Demonstrating respect to your spouse </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse does ...
Counteracting Marital Malaise <ul><li>Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions </li></ul><ul><li>Counteract...
Marriage is Important <ul><li>Why marriage is important </li></ul><ul><li>Why marriage deserves your attention </li></ul><...
Financial Security <ul><li>The third leg of a three-legged stool </li></ul><ul><li>Work hard to create financial security ...
Forgiveness <ul><li>Everybody makes mistakes </li></ul><ul><li>Everybody says things wrong </li></ul><ul><li>Let things pa...
Fidelity <ul><li>Be faithful and do not have an affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair...
Expectations <ul><li>Don’t think marriage is perfect </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t think marriage is easy </li></ul><ul><li>Be s...
Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided <ul><li>Unnecessary </li></ul><ul><li>Starting over with same problems </li></ul><...
Where to Get Help <ul><ul><ul><ul><li>It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul>...
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Negotiating With Your Spouse

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How to effectively negotiate with your spouse to stay married.

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Transcript of "Negotiating With Your Spouse"

  1. 1. Negotiating With Your Spouse How to Stay Married Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2009
  2. 2. The Pattern of a Relationship <ul><li>You meet and fall in love </li></ul><ul><li>What is love </li></ul><ul><li>How long is your engagement? </li></ul><ul><li>Did you work through any problems </li></ul><ul><li>How long does the honeymoon last? </li></ul><ul><li>Why does the honeymoon end? </li></ul><ul><li>What do you do after the honeymoon ends? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  3. 3. The Pattern of a Marriage <ul><li>The Wedding </li></ul><ul><li>Post Wedding </li></ul><ul><li>Your Spouse’s Family </li></ul><ul><li>Your Spouse’s Parents </li></ul><ul><li>Your Spouse’s Personality </li></ul><ul><li>Your Spouse’s Personal Habits </li></ul><ul><li>Is your spouse still beautiful/handsome? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  4. 4. Having Children <ul><li>Joys of Parenthood </li></ul><ul><li>Who is more important: the children or your spouse? </li></ul><ul><li>How busy are you? </li></ul><ul><li>Who is taking care of the children? </li></ul><ul><li>Who is doing the housework? </li></ul><ul><li>Who is working outside of the house? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  5. 5. Money Issues <ul><li>Do you have too much money? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have too little money? </li></ul><ul><li>What can you do about it? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have just about the right amount of money? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have joint or separate accounts or both? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you make money decisions together or separately? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  6. 6. Contribution Issues <ul><li>Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight? </li></ul><ul><li>Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight? </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if there is an imbalance? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  7. 7. Gender Roles/Expectations <ul><li>Are gender roles/expectations a problem? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse is at home with or without the children? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse is un- or under-employed? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  8. 8. <ul><li>Distorted thinking </li></ul><ul><li>We should never have conflict </li></ul><ul><li>My spouse should meet all of my needs </li></ul><ul><li>Getting into mental ruts </li></ul><ul><li>Getting into behavioral ruts </li></ul><ul><li>“ I can change my spouse” </li></ul>Mind Games © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  9. 9. Finding “The One” <ul><li>Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)? </li></ul><ul><li>What is a soul mate? </li></ul><ul><li>Becoming the perfect one </li></ul><ul><li>Marriage creates soul mates </li></ul><ul><li>Marriage is commitment </li></ul><ul><li>Making marriage your career </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  10. 10. It Takes One to Tango <ul><li>Annoying thought but true </li></ul><ul><li>Changes you make can affect your spouse </li></ul><ul><li>It’s like training your dog </li></ul><ul><li>Your spouse may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  11. 11. Corrosive Events & Circumstances <ul><ul><ul><li>Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Illness of a child. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Behavioral issues of a child. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Illness of spouse. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Death of spouse’s parents </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Loss of money or job </li></ul></ul></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  12. 12. We Thought We Were So Compatible… <ul><li>Differences in spending </li></ul><ul><li>Different interests and hobbies </li></ul><ul><li>Different concept of vacations </li></ul><ul><li>Differences in how you wish to spend free time </li></ul><ul><li>Differences in religion/spirituality </li></ul><ul><li>Differences in child rearing methods </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  13. 13. Conflict Can Be Good <ul><li>Don’t let it burn out of control </li></ul><ul><li>Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage </li></ul><ul><li>What not to do </li></ul><ul><li>Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t attack each other’s character </li></ul><ul><li>Showing contempt </li></ul><ul><li>Stonewalling </li></ul><ul><li>Blaming </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  14. 14. What to Do About It <ul><li>The Laurie Israel Plan for Staying Married </li></ul><ul><li>Studies on staying with it </li></ul><ul><li>Problem about sharing bad things with friends/family </li></ul><ul><li>Some things you can change </li></ul><ul><li>Some things never change </li></ul><ul><li>Walking around problem areas </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  15. 15. What to Do About It, Part 2 <ul><li>Communicating verbally </li></ul><ul><li>Hot speech </li></ul><ul><li>Using “I” words </li></ul><ul><li>Asking the powerful non-defensive question </li></ul><ul><li>Communicating in writing </li></ul><ul><li>The problems with email </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  16. 16. What to Do About It, Part 3 <ul><li>Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words </li></ul><ul><li>Encouraging good behavior with “predictions” </li></ul><ul><li>Creating clear boundaries </li></ul><ul><li>Protecting yourself </li></ul><ul><li>Disarming your spouse </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  17. 17. What to Do About It, Part 4 <ul><li>Demonstrating respect to your spouse </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse does not demonstrate respect to you. </li></ul><ul><li>Bargaining with your spouse. </li></ul><ul><li>Accepting imperfections </li></ul><ul><li>Promoting freedom for each of you </li></ul><ul><li>Promoting self growth </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  18. 18. Counteracting Marital Malaise <ul><li>Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions </li></ul><ul><li>Counteracting marital dissatisfaction </li></ul><ul><li>Encouraging compassion </li></ul><ul><li>Discouraging resentment </li></ul><ul><li>Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  19. 19. Marriage is Important <ul><li>Why marriage is important </li></ul><ul><li>Why marriage deserves your attention </li></ul><ul><li>Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else </li></ul><ul><li>Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals </li></ul><ul><li>If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  20. 20. Financial Security <ul><li>The third leg of a three-legged stool </li></ul><ul><li>Work hard to create financial security </li></ul><ul><li>Make sure money is not scarce </li></ul><ul><li>Enjoy your life </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  21. 21. Forgiveness <ul><li>Everybody makes mistakes </li></ul><ul><li>Everybody says things wrong </li></ul><ul><li>Let things pass </li></ul><ul><li>Assume your spouse (and you) will learn from your mistakes </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  22. 22. Fidelity <ul><li>Be faithful and do not have an affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse has an actual affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if you are having an emotional affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if you are having an actual affair </li></ul><ul><li>Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage </li></ul><ul><li>The different types of infidelity </li></ul><ul><li>How people can heal their marriages </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  23. 23. Expectations <ul><li>Don’t think marriage is perfect </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t think marriage is easy </li></ul><ul><li>Be satisfied with the things you have </li></ul><ul><li>Know that both or you are doing the best that you can </li></ul><ul><li>Always assume the best of your spouse </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t think it is greener on the other side </li></ul><ul><li>Compliment your spouse at least once a day </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  24. 24. Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided <ul><li>Unnecessary </li></ul><ul><li>Starting over with same problems </li></ul><ul><li>Financially devastating </li></ul><ul><li>Should you stay married because of the children? </li></ul><ul><li>Learning about life and reconciliation </li></ul><ul><li>A shared history of memories and experiences </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  25. 25. Where to Get Help <ul><ul><ul><ul><li>It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Read books on marriage </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Go to marriage websites </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Attend marriage retreat programs </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Marriage counseling </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Individual counseling/therapy </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married) </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what a divorce would look like </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
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