Negotiating With People You Live With

Who are Those We Live With?
Alone
Alone with dogs or cats
Temporary roommates you don’t know very well
Friends (high school, college, workplace)
Siblings
Parents
Multi-generational family
© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

Who are Those We Live With?
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Committed relationship
Engaged couple
Cohabiting
Married without the License
Legally married
Divorced and living with former spouse

The Challenges of Living with Strangers
You don’t know what you’re getting
May not be commitment to work things out
Lifestyles and values may not match
Unstable
Incompatibility

The Challenges of Living with Friends
Puts strain on a good relationship
May prevent you from making friends or getting into a primary relationship
Will your friendship ever be the same?
Does friendship need distance?

The Challenges of Living with Siblings
Sibling relationship is very fraught
Sibling rivalries run deep
Deep and complex history
Can be very loyal and supportive
Easy for parents to visit

The Challenges of Living with Parents
Whose problem is it: parents’ or child’s?
One would think parents would like to have grown children in house.
Often happens due to financial need which puts pressure on the parent/child and child/other siblings relationships
Boundary issues
Trusting your child to be an adult

The Challenges of Living with Parents
Resisting the urge to “parent” your parent
You know each other’s hot buttons
Relevance of parent/childhood experience
“ Because I said so”
Issues around financial contributions
Gender expectations

Living with Spouse, Partner or Significant Other
These are all different
Different levels of commitment
What happens when the going gets rough
How you are perceived by society at large
Cohabitation pre-marriage may result in higher chance of divorce
Getting together for the wrong reasons
Arranged marriages – do they work?

Differences
Class differences
Education differences
Family background
Family of origin: birth order & number of siblings
Mental illness in families
Divorce in families
Religious differences
How much (or how little) money you have
How “successful” you are in your career
How many hours of week you work

The Pattern of a Relationship
You meet and fall in love
What is love?
How long is your engagement?
Did you work through any problems?
How long does the honeymoon last?
Did you have your honeymoon before marriage?
Did you consider what marriage meant before you got married?
What is marriage?
Why do some people choose not to marry?

Issues Pertaining to Marriage
What does a wedding mean?
Significance of big vs. small wedding
Significance of elopement
What is first year of marriage like?
Difficulties in relating to in-laws
Does your spouse tie his shoe correctly?
Is your spouse still beautiful/handsome?

Having Children
Joys of Parenthood
Who is more important: the children or your spouse?
How busy are you?
Who is taking care of the children?
Who is doing the housework?
Who is working outside of the house?
Making decisions about the children

Money Issues
Do you have too much money?
Do you have too little money?
What can you do about it?
Do you have just about the right amount of money?
Do you have joint or separate accounts or both?
Do you make money decisions together or separately?

Contribution Issues
Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight?
Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight?
What to do if there is an imbalance?

Gender Roles/Expectations
Are gender roles/expectations a problem?
What if your spouse is at home with or without the children?
What if your spouse is un- or under-employed?
What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family?

Distorted thinking
We should never have conflict
My spouse should meet all of my needs
Getting into mental ruts
Getting into behavioral ruts
“ I can change my spouse”
Mind Games © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

Finding “The One”
Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)?
What is a soul mate?
Becoming the perfect one
Marriage creates soul mates
Marriage is commitment
Making managing marriage your career
Is the grass greener on the other side?

It Takes One to Tango
Annoying thought but true
Changes you make can affect your spouse/partner/roommate
It’s like training your dog
Living companion may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay

Corrosive Events & Circumstances in Marriages
Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement.
Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement.
Illness of a child.
Behavioral issues of a child.
Illness of spouse.
Death of spouse’s parents
Loss of money or job

We Thought We Were So Compatible…
Differences in spending
Different interests and hobbies
Different concept of vacations
Differences in how you wish to spend free time
Differences in religion/spirituality
Differences in child rearing methods

Conflict Can Be Good
Don’t let it burn out of control
Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage or relationship
What not to do
Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint
Don’t attack each other’s character
Showing contempt
Stonewalling
Blaming

What to Do About It
The Laurie Israel Plan™
Studies on staying with marriage
Problem with sharing bad things with friends/family
Some things you can change
Some things never change
Walking around problem areas

What to Do About It, Part 2
Communicating verbally
Hot speech
Using “I” words
Asking the powerful non-defensive question
Communicating in writing
The problems with email

Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words
Encouraging good behavior with “predictions”
Creating clear boundaries
Protecting yourself
Disarming your spouse

Demonstrating respect
What to do if your living partner does not demonstrate respect to you
Bargaining with your living partner
Using humor
Accepting imperfections
Promoting freedom for each of you
Promoting self growth

Counteracting Marital Malaise
Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions
Counteracting marital dissatisfaction
Encouraging compassion
Discouraging resentment
Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion

Marriage is Important
Why marriage is important
Why marriage deserves your attention
Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else
Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals
If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them

Financial Security for Married People
The third leg of a three-legged stool
Work hard to create financial security
Make sure money is not scarce
Enjoy your life

Forgiveness
Everybody makes mistakes
Everybody says things wrong
Let things pass
Assume your living companion (and you) will learn from your mistakes

Fidelity in Marriage
Be faithful and do not have an affair
What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair
What to do if your spouse has an actual affair
What to do if you are having an emotional affair
What to do if you are having an actual affair
Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage
The different types of infidelity
How people can heal their marriages

Expectations about Marriage
Don’t think marriage is perfect
Don’t think marriage is easy
Be satisfied with the things you have
Know that both or you are doing the best that you can
Always assume the best of your spouse
Don’t think it is greener on the other side
Compliment your spouse at least once a day

Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided
Unnecessary
Starting over with same problems
Financially devastating
Should you stay married because of the children?
Learning about life and reconciliation
A shared history of memories and experiences

Where to Get Help
It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track
Read books on marriage
Go to marriage websites
Attend marriage retreat programs
Marriage counseling
Individual counseling/therapy
Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married)
See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what a divorce would look like

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Negotiating With People You Live With

by Law Offices of Laurie Israel

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