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Negotiating With Your Spouse & Others at Home How to Have a Peaceful Home Life Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Atto...
Who are Those We Live With? <ul><li>Alone </li></ul><ul><li>Alone with dogs or cats </li></ul><ul><li>Temporary roommates ...
Who are Those We Live With? <ul><li>Boyfriend/Girlfriend </li></ul><ul><li>Committed relationship </li></ul><ul><li>Engage...
The Challenges of  Living with Strangers <ul><li>You don’t know what you’re getting </li></ul><ul><li>May not be commitmen...
The Challenges of  Living with Friends <ul><li>Puts strain on a good relationship </li></ul><ul><li>May prevent you from m...
The Challenges of  Living with Siblings <ul><li>Sibling relationship is very fraught </li></ul><ul><li>Sibling rivalries r...
The Challenges of  Living with Parents <ul><li>Whose problem is it: parents’ or child’s? </li></ul><ul><li>One would think...
The Challenges of  Living with Parents <ul><li>Resisting the urge to “parent” your parent </li></ul><ul><li>You know each ...
Living with Spouse, Partner or Significant Other <ul><li>These are all different </li></ul><ul><li>Different levels of com...
Differences <ul><li>Class differences </li></ul><ul><li>Education differences </li></ul><ul><li>Family background </li></u...
The Pattern of a Relationship <ul><li>You meet and fall in love </li></ul><ul><li>What is love? </li></ul><ul><li>How long...
Issues Pertaining to Marriage <ul><li>What does a wedding mean? </li></ul><ul><li>Significance of big vs. small wedding </...
Having Children <ul><li>Joys of Parenthood </li></ul><ul><li>Who is more important: the children or your spouse? </li></ul...
Money Issues <ul><li>Do you have too much money? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have too little money? </li></ul><ul><li>What ca...
Contribution Issues <ul><li>Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight? </li></ul><ul><li>Does he/she feel tha...
Gender Roles/Expectations <ul><li>Are gender roles/expectations a problem? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse is at hom...
<ul><li>Distorted thinking </li></ul><ul><li>We should never have conflict </li></ul><ul><li>My spouse should meet all of ...
Finding “The One” <ul><li>Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)? </li></ul><ul><li>What is a soul mate?  </l...
It Takes One to Tango <ul><li>Annoying thought but true </li></ul><ul><li>Changes you make can affect your spouse/partner/...
Corrosive Events & Circumstances in Marriages <ul><ul><ul><li>Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul...
We Thought We Were So Compatible… <ul><li>Differences in spending </li></ul><ul><li>Different interests and hobbies </li><...
Conflict Can Be Good <ul><li>Don’t let it burn out of control </li></ul><ul><li>Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marria...
What to Do About It <ul><li>The Laurie Israel Plan™ </li></ul><ul><li>Studies on staying with marriage </li></ul><ul><li>P...
What to Do About It, Part 2 <ul><li>Communicating verbally </li></ul><ul><li>Hot speech </li></ul><ul><li>Using “I” words ...
What to Do About It, Part 3 <ul><li>Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words </li></ul><ul><li>Encouraging ...
What to Do About It, Part 4 <ul><li>Demonstrating respect </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your living partner does not dem...
Counteracting Marital Malaise <ul><li>Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions </li></ul><ul><li>Counteract...
Marriage is Important <ul><li>Why marriage is important </li></ul><ul><li>Why marriage deserves your attention </li></ul><...
Financial Security  for Married People <ul><li>The third leg of a three-legged stool </li></ul><ul><li>Work hard to create...
Forgiveness <ul><li>Everybody makes mistakes </li></ul><ul><li>Everybody says things wrong </li></ul><ul><li>Let things pa...
Fidelity in Marriage <ul><li>Be faithful and do not have an affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse has an emot...
Expectations about Marriage <ul><li>Don’t think marriage is perfect </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t think marriage is easy </li></...
Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided <ul><li>Unnecessary </li></ul><ul><li>Starting over with same problems </li></ul><...
Where to Get Help <ul><ul><ul><ul><li>It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul>...
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Negotiating With People You Live With

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How to have a peaceful home despite difference

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Transcript of "Negotiating With People You Live With"

  1. 1. Negotiating With Your Spouse & Others at Home How to Have a Peaceful Home Life Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2009
  2. 2. Who are Those We Live With? <ul><li>Alone </li></ul><ul><li>Alone with dogs or cats </li></ul><ul><li>Temporary roommates you don’t know very well </li></ul><ul><li>Friends (high school, college, workplace) </li></ul><ul><li>Siblings </li></ul><ul><li>Parents </li></ul><ul><li>Multi-generational family </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  3. 3. Who are Those We Live With? <ul><li>Boyfriend/Girlfriend </li></ul><ul><li>Committed relationship </li></ul><ul><li>Engaged couple </li></ul><ul><li>Cohabiting </li></ul><ul><li>Married without the License </li></ul><ul><li>Legally married </li></ul><ul><li>Divorced and living with former spouse </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  4. 4. The Challenges of Living with Strangers <ul><li>You don’t know what you’re getting </li></ul><ul><li>May not be commitment to work things out </li></ul><ul><li>Lifestyles and values may not match </li></ul><ul><li>Unstable </li></ul><ul><li>Incompatibility </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  5. 5. The Challenges of Living with Friends <ul><li>Puts strain on a good relationship </li></ul><ul><li>May prevent you from making friends or getting into a primary relationship </li></ul><ul><li>Will your friendship ever be the same? </li></ul><ul><li>Does friendship need distance? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  6. 6. The Challenges of Living with Siblings <ul><li>Sibling relationship is very fraught </li></ul><ul><li>Sibling rivalries run deep </li></ul><ul><li>Deep and complex history </li></ul><ul><li>Can be very loyal and supportive </li></ul><ul><li>Easy for parents to visit </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  7. 7. The Challenges of Living with Parents <ul><li>Whose problem is it: parents’ or child’s? </li></ul><ul><li>One would think parents would like to have grown children in house. </li></ul><ul><li>Often happens due to financial need which puts pressure on the parent/child and child/other siblings relationships </li></ul><ul><li>Boundary issues </li></ul><ul><li>Trusting your child to be an adult </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  8. 8. The Challenges of Living with Parents <ul><li>Resisting the urge to “parent” your parent </li></ul><ul><li>You know each other’s hot buttons </li></ul><ul><li>Relevance of parent/childhood experience </li></ul><ul><li>“ Because I said so” </li></ul><ul><li>Issues around financial contributions </li></ul><ul><li>Gender expectations </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  9. 9. Living with Spouse, Partner or Significant Other <ul><li>These are all different </li></ul><ul><li>Different levels of commitment </li></ul><ul><li>What happens when the going gets rough </li></ul><ul><li>How you are perceived by society at large </li></ul><ul><li>Cohabitation pre-marriage may result in higher chance of divorce </li></ul><ul><li>Getting together for the wrong reasons </li></ul><ul><li>Arranged marriages – do they work? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  10. 10. Differences <ul><li>Class differences </li></ul><ul><li>Education differences </li></ul><ul><li>Family background </li></ul><ul><li>Family of origin: birth order & number of siblings </li></ul><ul><li>Mental illness in families </li></ul><ul><li>Divorce in families </li></ul><ul><li>Religious differences </li></ul><ul><li>How much (or how little) money you have </li></ul><ul><li>How “successful” you are in your career </li></ul><ul><li>How many hours of week you work </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  11. 11. The Pattern of a Relationship <ul><li>You meet and fall in love </li></ul><ul><li>What is love? </li></ul><ul><li>How long is your engagement? </li></ul><ul><li>Did you work through any problems? </li></ul><ul><li>How long does the honeymoon last? </li></ul><ul><li>Did you have your honeymoon before marriage? </li></ul><ul><li>Did you consider what marriage meant before you got married? </li></ul><ul><li>What is marriage? </li></ul><ul><li>Why do some people choose not to marry? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  12. 12. Issues Pertaining to Marriage <ul><li>What does a wedding mean? </li></ul><ul><li>Significance of big vs. small wedding </li></ul><ul><li>Significance of elopement </li></ul><ul><li>What is first year of marriage like? </li></ul><ul><li>Difficulties in relating to in-laws </li></ul><ul><li>Does your spouse tie his shoe correctly? </li></ul><ul><li>Is your spouse still beautiful/handsome? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  13. 13. Having Children <ul><li>Joys of Parenthood </li></ul><ul><li>Who is more important: the children or your spouse? </li></ul><ul><li>How busy are you? </li></ul><ul><li>Who is taking care of the children? </li></ul><ul><li>Who is doing the housework? </li></ul><ul><li>Who is working outside of the house? </li></ul><ul><li>Making decisions about the children </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  14. 14. Money Issues <ul><li>Do you have too much money? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have too little money? </li></ul><ul><li>What can you do about it? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have just about the right amount of money? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you have joint or separate accounts or both? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you make money decisions together or separately? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  15. 15. Contribution Issues <ul><li>Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight? </li></ul><ul><li>Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight? </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if there is an imbalance? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  16. 16. Gender Roles/Expectations <ul><li>Are gender roles/expectations a problem? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse is at home with or without the children? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse is un- or under-employed? </li></ul><ul><li>What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  17. 17. <ul><li>Distorted thinking </li></ul><ul><li>We should never have conflict </li></ul><ul><li>My spouse should meet all of my needs </li></ul><ul><li>Getting into mental ruts </li></ul><ul><li>Getting into behavioral ruts </li></ul><ul><li>“ I can change my spouse” </li></ul>Mind Games © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  18. 18. Finding “The One” <ul><li>Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)? </li></ul><ul><li>What is a soul mate? </li></ul><ul><li>Becoming the perfect one </li></ul><ul><li>Marriage creates soul mates </li></ul><ul><li>Marriage is commitment </li></ul><ul><li>Making managing marriage your career </li></ul><ul><li>Is the grass greener on the other side? </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  19. 19. It Takes One to Tango <ul><li>Annoying thought but true </li></ul><ul><li>Changes you make can affect your spouse/partner/roommate </li></ul><ul><li>It’s like training your dog </li></ul><ul><li>Living companion may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  20. 20. Corrosive Events & Circumstances in Marriages <ul><ul><ul><li>Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Illness of a child. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Behavioral issues of a child. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Illness of spouse. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Death of spouse’s parents </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Loss of money or job </li></ul></ul></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  21. 21. We Thought We Were So Compatible… <ul><li>Differences in spending </li></ul><ul><li>Different interests and hobbies </li></ul><ul><li>Different concept of vacations </li></ul><ul><li>Differences in how you wish to spend free time </li></ul><ul><li>Differences in religion/spirituality </li></ul><ul><li>Differences in child rearing methods </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  22. 22. Conflict Can Be Good <ul><li>Don’t let it burn out of control </li></ul><ul><li>Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage or relationship </li></ul><ul><li>What not to do </li></ul><ul><li>Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t attack each other’s character </li></ul><ul><li>Showing contempt </li></ul><ul><li>Stonewalling </li></ul><ul><li>Blaming </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  23. 23. What to Do About It <ul><li>The Laurie Israel Plan™ </li></ul><ul><li>Studies on staying with marriage </li></ul><ul><li>Problem with sharing bad things with friends/family </li></ul><ul><li>Some things you can change </li></ul><ul><li>Some things never change </li></ul><ul><li>Walking around problem areas </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  24. 24. What to Do About It, Part 2 <ul><li>Communicating verbally </li></ul><ul><li>Hot speech </li></ul><ul><li>Using “I” words </li></ul><ul><li>Asking the powerful non-defensive question </li></ul><ul><li>Communicating in writing </li></ul><ul><li>The problems with email </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  25. 25. What to Do About It, Part 3 <ul><li>Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words </li></ul><ul><li>Encouraging good behavior with “predictions” </li></ul><ul><li>Creating clear boundaries </li></ul><ul><li>Protecting yourself </li></ul><ul><li>Disarming your spouse </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  26. 26. What to Do About It, Part 4 <ul><li>Demonstrating respect </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your living partner does not demonstrate respect to you </li></ul><ul><li>Bargaining with your living partner </li></ul><ul><li>Using humor </li></ul><ul><li>Accepting imperfections </li></ul><ul><li>Promoting freedom for each of you </li></ul><ul><li>Promoting self growth </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  27. 27. Counteracting Marital Malaise <ul><li>Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions </li></ul><ul><li>Counteracting marital dissatisfaction </li></ul><ul><li>Encouraging compassion </li></ul><ul><li>Discouraging resentment </li></ul><ul><li>Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  28. 28. Marriage is Important <ul><li>Why marriage is important </li></ul><ul><li>Why marriage deserves your attention </li></ul><ul><li>Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else </li></ul><ul><li>Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals </li></ul><ul><li>If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  29. 29. Financial Security for Married People <ul><li>The third leg of a three-legged stool </li></ul><ul><li>Work hard to create financial security </li></ul><ul><li>Make sure money is not scarce </li></ul><ul><li>Enjoy your life </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  30. 30. Forgiveness <ul><li>Everybody makes mistakes </li></ul><ul><li>Everybody says things wrong </li></ul><ul><li>Let things pass </li></ul><ul><li>Assume your living companion (and you) will learn from your mistakes </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  31. 31. Fidelity in Marriage <ul><li>Be faithful and do not have an affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if your spouse has an actual affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if you are having an emotional affair </li></ul><ul><li>What to do if you are having an actual affair </li></ul><ul><li>Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage </li></ul><ul><li>The different types of infidelity </li></ul><ul><li>How people can heal their marriages </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  32. 32. Expectations about Marriage <ul><li>Don’t think marriage is perfect </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t think marriage is easy </li></ul><ul><li>Be satisfied with the things you have </li></ul><ul><li>Know that both or you are doing the best that you can </li></ul><ul><li>Always assume the best of your spouse </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t think it is greener on the other side </li></ul><ul><li>Compliment your spouse at least once a day </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  33. 33. Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided <ul><li>Unnecessary </li></ul><ul><li>Starting over with same problems </li></ul><ul><li>Financially devastating </li></ul><ul><li>Should you stay married because of the children? </li></ul><ul><li>Learning about life and reconciliation </li></ul><ul><li>A shared history of memories and experiences </li></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
  34. 34. Where to Get Help <ul><ul><ul><ul><li>It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Read books on marriage </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Go to marriage websites </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Attend marriage retreat programs </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Marriage counseling </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Individual counseling/therapy </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married) </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what a divorce would look like </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>© 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
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