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Negotiating With People You Live With
 

Negotiating With People You Live With

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How to have a peaceful home despite difference

How to have a peaceful home despite difference

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    Negotiating With People You Live With Negotiating With People You Live With Presentation Transcript

    • Negotiating With Your Spouse & Others at Home How to Have a Peaceful Home Life Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2009
    • Who are Those We Live With?
      • Alone
      • Alone with dogs or cats
      • Temporary roommates you don’t know very well
      • Friends (high school, college, workplace)
      • Siblings
      • Parents
      • Multi-generational family
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Who are Those We Live With?
      • Boyfriend/Girlfriend
      • Committed relationship
      • Engaged couple
      • Cohabiting
      • Married without the License
      • Legally married
      • Divorced and living with former spouse
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • The Challenges of Living with Strangers
      • You don’t know what you’re getting
      • May not be commitment to work things out
      • Lifestyles and values may not match
      • Unstable
      • Incompatibility
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • The Challenges of Living with Friends
      • Puts strain on a good relationship
      • May prevent you from making friends or getting into a primary relationship
      • Will your friendship ever be the same?
      • Does friendship need distance?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • The Challenges of Living with Siblings
      • Sibling relationship is very fraught
      • Sibling rivalries run deep
      • Deep and complex history
      • Can be very loyal and supportive
      • Easy for parents to visit
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • The Challenges of Living with Parents
      • Whose problem is it: parents’ or child’s?
      • One would think parents would like to have grown children in house.
      • Often happens due to financial need which puts pressure on the parent/child and child/other siblings relationships
      • Boundary issues
      • Trusting your child to be an adult
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • The Challenges of Living with Parents
      • Resisting the urge to “parent” your parent
      • You know each other’s hot buttons
      • Relevance of parent/childhood experience
      • “ Because I said so”
      • Issues around financial contributions
      • Gender expectations
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Living with Spouse, Partner or Significant Other
      • These are all different
      • Different levels of commitment
      • What happens when the going gets rough
      • How you are perceived by society at large
      • Cohabitation pre-marriage may result in higher chance of divorce
      • Getting together for the wrong reasons
      • Arranged marriages – do they work?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Differences
      • Class differences
      • Education differences
      • Family background
      • Family of origin: birth order & number of siblings
      • Mental illness in families
      • Divorce in families
      • Religious differences
      • How much (or how little) money you have
      • How “successful” you are in your career
      • How many hours of week you work
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • The Pattern of a Relationship
      • You meet and fall in love
      • What is love?
      • How long is your engagement?
      • Did you work through any problems?
      • How long does the honeymoon last?
      • Did you have your honeymoon before marriage?
      • Did you consider what marriage meant before you got married?
      • What is marriage?
      • Why do some people choose not to marry?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Issues Pertaining to Marriage
      • What does a wedding mean?
      • Significance of big vs. small wedding
      • Significance of elopement
      • What is first year of marriage like?
      • Difficulties in relating to in-laws
      • Does your spouse tie his shoe correctly?
      • Is your spouse still beautiful/handsome?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Having Children
      • Joys of Parenthood
      • Who is more important: the children or your spouse?
      • How busy are you?
      • Who is taking care of the children?
      • Who is doing the housework?
      • Who is working outside of the house?
      • Making decisions about the children
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Money Issues
      • Do you have too much money?
      • Do you have too little money?
      • What can you do about it?
      • Do you have just about the right amount of money?
      • Do you have joint or separate accounts or both?
      • Do you make money decisions together or separately?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Contribution Issues
      • Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight?
      • Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight?
      • What to do if there is an imbalance?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Gender Roles/Expectations
      • Are gender roles/expectations a problem?
      • What if your spouse is at home with or without the children?
      • What if your spouse is un- or under-employed?
      • What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
      • Distorted thinking
      • We should never have conflict
      • My spouse should meet all of my needs
      • Getting into mental ruts
      • Getting into behavioral ruts
      • “ I can change my spouse”
      Mind Games © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Finding “The One”
      • Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)?
      • What is a soul mate?
      • Becoming the perfect one
      • Marriage creates soul mates
      • Marriage is commitment
      • Making managing marriage your career
      • Is the grass greener on the other side?
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • It Takes One to Tango
      • Annoying thought but true
      • Changes you make can affect your spouse/partner/roommate
      • It’s like training your dog
      • Living companion may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Corrosive Events & Circumstances in Marriages
          • Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement.
          • Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement.
          • Illness of a child.
          • Behavioral issues of a child.
          • Illness of spouse.
          • Death of spouse’s parents
          • Loss of money or job
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • We Thought We Were So Compatible…
      • Differences in spending
      • Different interests and hobbies
      • Different concept of vacations
      • Differences in how you wish to spend free time
      • Differences in religion/spirituality
      • Differences in child rearing methods
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Conflict Can Be Good
      • Don’t let it burn out of control
      • Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage or relationship
      • What not to do
      • Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint
      • Don’t attack each other’s character
      • Showing contempt
      • Stonewalling
      • Blaming
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • What to Do About It
      • The Laurie Israel Plan™
      • Studies on staying with marriage
      • Problem with sharing bad things with friends/family
      • Some things you can change
      • Some things never change
      • Walking around problem areas
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • What to Do About It, Part 2
      • Communicating verbally
      • Hot speech
      • Using “I” words
      • Asking the powerful non-defensive question
      • Communicating in writing
      • The problems with email
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • What to Do About It, Part 3
      • Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words
      • Encouraging good behavior with “predictions”
      • Creating clear boundaries
      • Protecting yourself
      • Disarming your spouse
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • What to Do About It, Part 4
      • Demonstrating respect
      • What to do if your living partner does not demonstrate respect to you
      • Bargaining with your living partner
      • Using humor
      • Accepting imperfections
      • Promoting freedom for each of you
      • Promoting self growth
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Counteracting Marital Malaise
      • Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions
      • Counteracting marital dissatisfaction
      • Encouraging compassion
      • Discouraging resentment
      • Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Marriage is Important
      • Why marriage is important
      • Why marriage deserves your attention
      • Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else
      • Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals
      • If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Financial Security for Married People
      • The third leg of a three-legged stool
      • Work hard to create financial security
      • Make sure money is not scarce
      • Enjoy your life
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Forgiveness
      • Everybody makes mistakes
      • Everybody says things wrong
      • Let things pass
      • Assume your living companion (and you) will learn from your mistakes
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Fidelity in Marriage
      • Be faithful and do not have an affair
      • What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair
      • What to do if your spouse has an actual affair
      • What to do if you are having an emotional affair
      • What to do if you are having an actual affair
      • Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage
      • The different types of infidelity
      • How people can heal their marriages
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Expectations about Marriage
      • Don’t think marriage is perfect
      • Don’t think marriage is easy
      • Be satisfied with the things you have
      • Know that both or you are doing the best that you can
      • Always assume the best of your spouse
      • Don’t think it is greener on the other side
      • Compliment your spouse at least once a day
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided
      • Unnecessary
      • Starting over with same problems
      • Financially devastating
      • Should you stay married because of the children?
      • Learning about life and reconciliation
      • A shared history of memories and experiences
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com
    • Where to Get Help
            • It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track
            • Read books on marriage
            • Go to marriage websites
            • Attend marriage retreat programs
            • Marriage counseling
            • Individual counseling/therapy
            • Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married)
            • See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what a divorce would look like
      © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com