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Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
Greetingsfromthecaymanislands
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Greetingsfromthecaymanislands

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Goodreads contest entry

Goodreads contest entry

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Transcript

  • 1. Welcome To Accountathon5000! June 15, 2011 Hyatt Regency Akron, Ohio
  • 2. I am William Whitney, head financial advisor, Mendel, Bluth and Crotty Inc. The person reading this presentation to you, word for word, is my assistant, Dustin. Wave hello, Dustin! Dustin's something else. Twenty-three and quite a shark. (Ladies, hold onto your panties. He doesn't call the morning after, you know what I'm saying?)
  • 3. At this point, I suspect you're wondering what's going on.
  • 4. What's Going On?
    • You are listening to a presentation
    • You are wondering where the key speaker is
    • You are drinking a cup of coffee
    • You are hopefully trying the blueberry muffins. They are outstanding.
  • 5. What Else Is Going On?
    • I have been embezzling for years. Ta daah!
    • Our main client asked for access to accounts that have been drained, therefore I'm about to have my wrongdoings revealed
    • I'm on a plane to —
    • Ha! Thought I'd trip up, didn't you?
    • The crest to the right is from the Cayman Islands.
    • * Rimshot. *
  • 6. So. Now you know.
  • 7. This also explains why this presentation is so amateurish. I usually delegate this sort of stuff to Dustin. But that would have ruined the surprise!
  • 8.  
  • 9. Speaking of surprises ….
  • 10.  
  • 11. The F.B.I.
    • The F.B.I. will certainly be paying you all a visit, or series of visits, in the near future.
    • For the record, I acted alone.
    • Most importantly, Dustin did not know about my actions. He was too busy trying to fill his own Rolodex with MY clients' names to bother getting into the bigger game. You feel clever now, Dustin?
  • 12. At this point, you are probably wondering why I bothered creating this presentation. What is in it for me?
  • 13. This: For once in my life, I get to tell everyone exactly what I think of them without fear of repercussion, reprisal, or uncomfortable moments in the kitchenette.
  • 14. These people can K.M.A.
    • Jane, Level 1 Advisor: the number of times you've hit “reply all” when you meant to hit “reply” is innumerable.
    • Billy the maintenance guy: the only reason you still work here is because you're secretly dealing coke. You sure as crap don't maintain anything.
    • Whoever stole my blue dolphin mug. I loved that thing.
  • 15. You're cool...
    • Sweetheart, I've been in love with you from afar for years. Do you remember the time I told you that if I ever didn't show up to work, you should come find me at a certain place at a certain time?
    • I'll be waiting for you.
  • 16. In conclusion...
    • I have stolen a lot of money.
    • Dustin is short-sighted and talks too loudly on the phone. But since he didn’t notice what was going on, nor did her turn me in, he served his purpose. No hard feelings, bro?
    • Some of you suck
    • But mostly I'm glad I worked here because it introduced me to the love of my life, who I hope will make being a ex-pat fugitive more fun.
  • 17. So long, suckers!
  • 18.  

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