I want everyone in here to take a big deep breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth. If nothing else because I NEED one. This stuff is real, it’s powerful, and it’s out there. I did not show this to make you cry as I might be, but to give you a slice of some children’s experience at school. I have kids of all ages share their stories, and they all make my heart ache for the unnecessary anxiety, sadness, depression, and pressure that is inflicted on children from their peers. Something I have noticed is that many parents are good parents they just don’t know how to make the time, in what is already an insane schedule, or don’t know how to make room in life for the necessary time our children need, but let me tell you, from what I have witnesses awareness is and always will be key.
through e-mail, instant messaging, text messages, blogs, twitter and other social media websites such as facebook.
(holding a secret against someone/black-male, physical difference in size, group who follows orders from a bully, attention seeking, does it to be cool, dared to do things, chooses children who are easier targets) (physically or emotionally)(perpetual, not an isolated incident)A recent survey of students in grades 6-10 reported that 13% of students bullied others, 11% had been bullied, and 6% reported both being bullied and bullying others. In 2011 The Journal of the American Medical Association reported 17% of students reported being bullied 2-3 times per month. Taken from 524,054 students grades 3-12. With males and females being almost equal. More then 160,000 students skip school every day because they are anxious and fearful of being bullied. Recent playground stats show that when a child is bullied, 85% of the time no on intervenes. This suggests that most school bullying continues to be carried out under the radar of teachers and school personnel because they can’t be everywhere at once. A Kaiser Family Foundation study confirmed this when 71% of the teachers reported that they intervened often or almost always whereas only 23% of the children agreed. Bullying tends to happen between classes, on the bus, on the play ground, on the internet, in the locker room, or even in some cases through outside exclusion of activities such as birthday parties, sleepovers, and other activities. That is why these safety tips can be helpful.
Here are some suggestions as to how to help your child combat psychological and verbal bullying to talk about before they come home telling you this has happened. Ignore the bully and walk away - It's definitely not a coward's response — sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, (it’s attention seeking behavior) and if you walk away or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, or comments in the hall way you're telling the bully that you just don't care. However, this is for beginning stages, not after a child feels consistently threatened or unsafe. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you're not vulnerable.Hold the anger. Who doesn't want to get really upset with a bully? But that's exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you're in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can't walk away with poise, use humor — it can throw the bully off guard. Practice this at home through role-play, they can memorize a few one liners which helps so they don’t have to come up with something on the spot.Work out your anger or frustration in another healthy way. Examples might be through exercise, sports, hobbies, talking it out with a friend or safe adult, or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger or keep them from friends so that no one can use them against you). Once you put it on the Internet it cannot be taken back! Don't get physical unless you absolutely have to. However you choose to deal with a bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you acting on your anger in unhealthy ways, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions, making eye contact and using humor, or holding your head high and walking towards an adult to tell them what transpired, if the bully calls your kid a derogatory name for telling he or she can remind him that “I will not tolerate you nastiness, so if that’s what it takes then fine.” REMEMBER the bully is looking for a strong negative reaction, not confidence and follow through. Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior with your child. Help them practice feeling good about themselves(even if you have to convince themselves at first). We are what we think! Check in about what they are thinking. List positive qualities and have them come up with positive thoughts to challenge negative thinking. Don’t allow bullies to take charge of your life. Help your children understand that they can't control other people's actions, but they can stay true to themselves. They can control their response to what is happening. Help them think about ways to feel their best — and strongest — so that other kids may give up the teasing. Talk about it openly with your children! If they do not feel like opening up to you, make sure they know they have options. They can talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, family friend, older relative, or friend — anyone who can give them the support they need. Talking can be a good outlet for their fears and frustrations that can build when their being bullied which can affect functioning.Have regular play dates even with the bully. They may decline the invitation, but most kids even bullies in one-on-one activities do well together. It might be enough to curve their desire to pick on your child. Plus regular play dates are good for them to practice their social skills so even if you start with family friends or people they know really well to build back their confidence, that may be necessary and then have the bully or the kids who are not as interested in your child come over and plan a fun activity they will both be interested in. Have a note card with play date rules: List rules about sharing, playing what they want to play at your house, and then at their house, ask them their rules, share, be polite, offer a snack, say thanks for coming, etc.
Verbal bullying: starts at a young age and is popular among boys and girls. It needs to be addressed right away because even in preschool and kindergarten if someone says you’re a stinky face, and stinky faces can’t play with us, this can become a behavior habit especially when reinforced by peers and adults who think it’s cute or funny. Today it’s poopy face, tomorrow it’s bitch. Kids can fall into that negative behavior pattern pretty easily. Hopefully the 4 year old learns by the time they are 7 that taunting other children is not acceptable and that it hurts other children’s feelings. So you can be pretty sure that if this behavior continues in later grades, the child knows and is doing the behavior with specific intent. The older a child gets the worse it can get (name calling, taunting, swearing, spreading rumors, note writing, secrets revealed, laughing at someone, making up stories to get someone in trouble, insulting nicknames, hate speech, mocking, sexual slurs, threats, and cyber bullying. Physical bullying is easier to detect because we see it. It’s the most widely recognized and publicized form of bullying. Girls are more apt to use mild physical aggression such as hair pulling, slapping, and scratching while boys are more likely to punch, shove, and throw objects. (shoving people into others in line, tripping kids at lunch, or on the bus, held down on the play ground, throwing balls at someone intentionally in the face, hitting someone reaching over the seat of the bus, physical bullying can occur even when there is no actual contact. Like shaking a fist in your face, slamming a book down on your desk, or invading your personal space. These are referred to as posturing and it is a common scare tactic bullies use to intimidate and frighten others. The threat can be just as powerful and effective as the actual violence. Social and emotional bullying: This is when other humiliate or demean kids in front of peers. Tends to happens more frequently among girls. It can be devastating to their self-esteem. She might hear giggling as she walks by, or everyone gets up when she comes and sits down. These actions are hurtful because the single biggest fear among tweens and teens is not fitting in or being liked. It is one of the most difficult things to endure because so many people are there to witness it. Overtime some girls begin to believe the messages sent by the other girls. (Nonverbal: point, stare, laugh, make faces, roll eyes, middle finger, loser sign, etc, and psychological: exclude, isolate, shun, ostracize, ignore, or turn their back on someone.) Emotional bullies use manipulation to get what they want. Or if you want to be my friend you can’t invite Amy to the party. If you really care about me as a friend, you would do it. I’ll tell everyone your secrets if you don’t stay friends with me. The emotional bully demands exclusivity and isolates the survivor. She gets jealous when they pay attention to anyone else, and will use emotional blackmail to continue the control over the other person. Relational Bullying: None more often by girls, fits with social and emotional but specifically about damaging the social status of a peer. By telling others not to be friends with him or her, give the other person the silent treatment and courage other to so the same, spread untrue rumors with the intent to get others to reject him or her, invite all or most of the kids to a party except a few, allow only specific people to sit at the table, be involved in an activity such as a recess game, or other group such as “the eggs” which where 12 girls that were friends.Extortion: Comes home hungry, missing a jacket, ipod, hat, shoes, etc. Use force or threat of force to obtain money, good, and or personal belongings from other students. Young children are particularly vulnerable to this from older students. Most second graders for example would find it very hard to stand up to a 4th or 5th grader. This is particularly hard because the bully takes their things, and then they have to face their parents or teacher and explain what happened to his or her belongings. This can also lead to steeling because the bully forces the younger child to take something from someone or the supply closet which leads them open to blackmail in the future. Direct/Indirect: Face to face bullying such as being, punched, kicked, slapped, called nasty names in the lunch line, refused a seat on the bus, or threatened in the bathroom. Indirect is systematically undermining the child’s reputation by spreading rumors and gossip with the intent to harm their social standing or friendships. It can be difficult to stop because the identity of the person responsible maybe not be discovered or it is several kids working together. There is some evidence that suggests the older children get the more likely they are to participate in indirect bullying, and because it is harder to detect, school may underestimate the extent to which this problem affects their student body. It’s important to remember regardless of the type of bullying, if it meets the four criteria of bullying (imbalance of power, intent to cause harm, threat of future harm, and instilling fear ) it’s bullying – plain and simple.
Pierce talked about the 5 personality factors that seemed to protect kids from becoming increasingly victimized are: 1. Friendliness 2. Willingness to share 3. Willingness to cooperate 4. Skill in joining the play of other children and 5. Possessing a sense of humor – all of these are critical to the four Antidotes of bullying.It is important for children to see themselves as capable, competent, cooperative, responsible, resourceful, and resilient, not only are they less likely to be cruel and combative bullies, they are more likely to be able to effectively fend off an attack by one. Now to say that if they use their bully-proofing skills, a bully won’t target them is impossible. The reality is that the better your children feel about themselves, the less likely they are to succumb to the tactics of a bully should one be so foolish enough to target them. “I am a decent, caring, responsible person. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve this. The bully made a mistake, is obviously having a lousy day, and is trying to get his needs met in a mean way.” (Promotes positive self-talk, accurate reflection of the situation, and sees the bullying as coming from outside therefore, not something to beat themselves up over and internalize.) Good messages, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it.”“Remember you can’t take back things once you have said them, especially online, so stop and think before you post or say something.”
By asking questions you can try to untangle the web to find out if your child is being verbally, emotionally, or physically bullied. If there are any marks take pictures and report it immediately to the school. If there are no marks it may take a few more conversations to come up with a plan to talk to the school. But e-mail the teacher right away to let them know something is up. Even if your child was annoying, or decided to wear or do something different, or is lacking in his or her social IQ that does not mean the bullying is ok. It will likely land them in a principles office. For the same reason they now arrest both domestic partners when they arrive on the seen. Or sadly no one if they can’t figure out the mess. School may not have known your child was bullied (especially if never reported) so if they see your child hit someone, they have to take action and in the process may further punish them for being bullied because he or she does not explain because of embarrassment, shame, and guilt that it was done because weeks, months, or years of bullying and preceded this incident.
For example: Sometimes children bully to fit in. These kids can benefit from participating in positive activities. Involvement in sports and clubs can enable them to take leadership roles and make friends without feeling the need to bully. Other times kids act out because something else—issues at home, abuse, stress—is going on in their lives. They also may have been bullied.
(which is hard for kids at times because they are after all, EGOCENTRIC)
Garbage art activity: Materials you need grab a scissors, paper, glue, tape, and old garbage like milk cartons, egg cartons, Kleenex boxes, wrapping paper tubes, newspaper etc. The objective is to work as a team to make decisions together, and communicate to come up with something. You come up with your piece of art and then talk about it as a family or have several groups of your children’s friends go around and present there’s in groups of 2-4. Discuss how did you and the team decide which pieces to use? How did you decide what to create? Was everyone included in the decision process? If not, why? If so, how? Why is it important to be able to work with other people?Bubble Brigade: Materials you will need a bowl, liquid soap, water, straws, yarn. The objective to work together as a member of a group. To problem solve and attempt to solve a challenging task as a group. 2-4 people again. Give the group the supplies and explain to them that their task is to make bubbles (that float in the air) out of what you have given them. Then process, was this task frustrating for anyone? If so why? How did the group come up with a solution and if you were unable to make a bubble, what did you learn from the activity? Was it necessary to work with others to accomplish this task? How did working with others make the process of problem solving easier? How did you help contribute to the group? How did that feel?Candy Reach: Materials: assorted bag of candy, a piece of card board, wood, carpet scrap etc this is big enough for two people to stand on at the same time. Objective: to work together with your partner to problem solve and help each other to reach your goal. 2 or more people needed. Set up the game prior to the activity by placing the board on the floor (make sure it wont slide/tape down if necessary) and spreading the candy on the floor, all around the board. Put the pieces of candy far enough away that they would be hard to reach if you were standing on the board by yourself. Ask the kids to get into pairs. Challenge each pair to take a turn trying to get as much of the candy as they can by working with their partner and state the rules –Both of you must be on the board at all timesNo part of your body or clothing may touch the floor at any timeIf you touch the floor you must go to the end of the linesYou may not slide the boardYou must pick up the candy not drag itWhat ever candy you pick up you and your partner keep itOnce you pick up one piece of candy you may only try for ten more seconds before you go to the end of the line. Rule number 7 is in place because once a team figures out a good way to get candy they may be able to get every piece. You may wish to allow this and replenish the stash. It is a good idea to put some really good stuff really far away to add to the challenge. Also for a shorter or taller pair you may need to change the distance. To emphasize team work allow them time to come up with a plan before you start. Hint: One person holds another while they reach. You can change this, add your own rules, make it fun, add traps etc.
REMEMBER You can ALWAYS report anonymously!!!!!!!!!
In a study done of urban school playgrounds Peers were involved in some capacity in 85% of the bullying episodes. Peers reinforced the bullying in 81% of the episodesPeers were more respectful and friendly towards the bullies than the targetsPeers were active participants in 48% of the episodesPeers intervened in only 13 % of the episodes
Now, just like any group, children do not fit neatly into the bully, bullies, or bystander groups… but these are rough guidelines to work from.
There is no problem so great it can’t be solved.
These are many bullying interventions methods 7 examples are: 1.The traditional disciplinary approach2. Zero tolerance 3.Mediation4. strengthening the survivor 5.restorative practice6. The Support Group Method 7. Method of Shared Concern. Bear in mind that more than one method may sometimes be applied in a particular case.
Then together they can come up with a solution that both can accept. It will be a solution formed with a greater understanding of each other’s wants, needs, feelings and perceptions. Children need to be assured and reminded that in attempting to resolve any conflict, it is okay to: 1. CALL TIME OUT (we are both too angry to talk about this right now. I’m too upset about this right now and need to take a break) 2. REFUSE TO TAKE THE ABUSE (it hurts when you say those things about me. You can be angry at me, but you can’t hit me) 3. INSIST ON FAIR TREATMENT (I won’t borrow your things with out asking you first, and I would like you to ask me to borrow my things. It’s not fair for you to always get to pick the games, we’ve go to come up with a system so we each get a turn.)Through our own example, resolving conflict and family disputes, and playing out what if scenarios with our children about their social situations, we can help them learn to recognize when it is necessary to call time out and that they have the right to be treated with respect, dignity, and fairness. Peace is not the absence of conflict. It is the embracing of conflict as a challenge and an opportunity to grow. Problem Solving:Identify and define the problem.List viable options for solving the problemEvaluate the options – explore pros and cons of each optionChoose one optionMake a plan and do itEvaluate the problem and your solution: What brought it about? Could a similar problem be prevented in the future? Hoe was the present problem solved?Remember be careful of language: When I heard or saw… not When you said or did, I felt… not you made me angry, because I… not I couldn’t help it… I need or want… not you betterRemind them of the 5 sequential steps which some call riding the wave can help kids stay with the raw feeling of anger without acting on it until they are clear what they are feeling to breathe deeply, relax, feel it, watch it, allow yourself to respond instead of react
Stand your ground. Tell an adult as soon as things have any of the markers of bullying: 1. imbalance of power, 2. intent to harm emotionally or physically, 3. Threat of future harm, 4. Instilling fear.
BULLYING PART II Jenny Strom, MA, LPC 262-241-5955 x264 E-mail: Jenny.firstname.lastname@example.orgJenny Strom 2012
Goals Recap cyber-bullying is and it‟s different forms so you can protect your children Recap bullying and defining the behaviors Help your children prepare for bullying and handle diversity/conflict in and out of school Learn tools and how to respond to your children in order to unlock their inner goodness Focus on prevention as opposed to interventionJenny Strom 2012
Video Clip http://www.stopbullying.gov/videos/2010/09/what-is-bullying.htmlJenny Strom 2012
Discussion Brief reactions. Feel free, when your ready to shout them out or raise your hand.Jenny Strom 2012
Review Cyber Bullying Bullying or harassment by use of any electronic device. In the U.S., it is now a federal crime. It is recommended you have a conversation with your children about how nothing is private anymore. Therefore, they need to be careful about what they post and who they send things to. If they want to have a private conversation the only way to do that is in person or over the phone. It is not unreasonable to have the password to their fb, e-mail, twitter, tumbler, my space, intagram, cell phone, gchat, or blogs etc. It is not something to monitor all the time, but to check once in a while.Jenny Strom 2012
Review Bullying The 4 Markers of Bullying: 1.An imbalance of power 2.Intent to harm 3.Threat of further harm 4.Instilling fear or terrorJenny Strom 2012
Review Bullying Survival tips: Don‟t allow the bullies to take charge of your life, Ignore the bully and walk away, Talk about bullying openly with your Walk tall and hold your head high, children. Hold onto anger, Have play dates regularly even with the child who might be bullying Use humor, (one on one changes Work out anger and frustration, everything!) Don‟t get physical, Have a note card with play date rules to remind them of theirJenny Strom 2012 social skills Practice confidence,
Review Bullying Types of bullying: Verbal Bullying Physical Bullying Social and emotional bullying Relational Extortion Direct/Indirect bullying Cyber bullyingJenny Strom 2012
4 Antidotes to Bullying 1. Having a strong sense of self 2. Being a good friend 3. Having at least one friend who is there for you through thick and thin (foster friendships through activities, team sports, clubs, religious groups, scouts/brownies, and play dates etc) 4. Being able to successfully get into a groupJenny Strom 2012
Avoid these mistakes: Never tell the child to ignore the bullying if you have determined it is bullying behavior going on. Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves to be bullied. Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid who is bullying. Fighting back could get your child hurt, suspended, or expelled. Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents involved until all other options have been exhausted. Because in addition to the parent denying the bullying, it may make matters worse, if it is happening at school, or on the bus, school should be notified first. School or other officials can act as mediators between parents if that Jenny Strom 2012 becomes necessary.
Follow-up Show a commitment to making bullying stop. Because by definition bullying is behavior that repeats, it takes consistent effort to ensure that it stops. Schools are overwhelmed, and or don’t know how to solve all the problems. Collaboration is key.Jenny Strom 2012
Unlock Their Inner Goodness Help them understand empathy Tell stories to help them relate, that are age appropriate Model respectful behavior at home (avoid name calling, set boundaries and explain if you become reactive- due to a situation that brought on a strong emotional reaction what made you react in that way, be careful of making fun/using sarcasm this can beJenny Strom 2012 internalized by children over time)
Unlock Their Inner Goodness Role-play a scenario about the importance of respecting others, the negative effects of gossip, or how to cooperate with one another, and way it’s important to be able to be apart of a group/team (know are they leader, follower) Talk about civil rights and bullying – have them tell you stories so you know they truly understand the behaviors that are acceptable/unacceptable – in other words: have them reflect the meaning back to you through examples etc. Read a book about bullying – start education/expectations early Have your child help advocate and or make initiatives atJenny Strom 2012 school about bullying, respect etc.
Unlock Their Inner Goodness Work with the child to understand some of the reasons he or she might be a target for being bullied (reframe these as strengths and weaknesses) Talk openly about how to be a good friend, give examples! Have your son or daughter write a story about the effects of bullying or benefits of teamwork Talk about cyberbullying and being smart online Keep your computer in a common area, let them know you have tracking soft wear, have their passwords to FB, and their cell phone. Nothing is private! But let them know you will only use it if necessary (Opportunity is everything! Intermittent reinforcement is powerful) The goal is to help them see how their actions affect othersJenny Strom 2012
Examples of things to do to foster teamwork/activities to do with your kids at home together Garbage art activity Bubble Brigade Candy reachJenny Strom 2012
Warning Signs to Look For Angry or withdrawn after internet use Abrupt avoidance or fear of school Avoiding friends or activities Sudden avoidance of using the internet Unexpected drop in grades Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking about peers Using negative, derogatory language re: peers Stops talking about peers and everyday activitiesJenny Strom 2012
Warning Signs Continued Taking parent‟s money and making poor excuses (could be threatened to bring the money to school) Not using the bathroom at school Is sad, sullen angry or scared after a text, e-mail, phone call Loss of interest in school, participate in class – grades dip Sudden loss of increase in appetite Doing things “out of character” Difficulty falling asleep (sudden bed wetting) Has physical injuries not consistent with explanation Has stomach aches, headaches, panic attacks, over/under sleeping that appears to be stress relatedJenny Strom 2012
Warning Signs Continued Taking an unusual route to school Signs of depression (isolation, giving up activities that they at one time loved) Withdrawal from family; wanting to be “left alone” Losing lunch money or saying, “I wasn‟t hungry” because lunch can be a key time for bully behavior because supervision is lacking Stops talking about peers and everyday activities Has physical injuries not consistent with explanation Has stomach aches, headaches, panic attacks, over/under sleeping that appears to be stress relatedJenny Strom 2012
As well as having an ongoing dialogue about everyday events & looking for warning signs, it’s good to ask questions in different ways: Are there any bullies in your class? What exactly do you consider or think bullying is? What kinds of things do they do or say? Are there any kids these bullies tend to pick on? Do they ever bully you? Do you ever bully anyone in class? What do you think about bullying? What could you do if you saw someone being bullied? Jenny Strom 2012
Dealing with DiversityTalking openly about how many children in class will be different from them – sometimes you can see it (examples), sometimes it is not so obvious (examples).Kids with disabilities, kids who look different from you, who dress differently, who talk or stand differently than you do, or who do not follow the same gender roles that you do.Kids who believe different things, who have a different way of doing things than you do, who eat different things, or are out of school for different religious practices than you.Strom 2012 Jenny
Dealing with Diversity Standing up for the oppressed or bullied children by being the most effective bystander possible. Understanding there are many ways to look at things and your way is often neither right or wrong, it just is. Everyone has a right to be themselves. If you don‟t understand something, that is ok we are not going to understand everything and everyone around us, but teaching them about tolerance and acceptance are key.Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For the Oppressed Support Bystanders when you can in the ways you can. Many times, when they see bullying, they may not know what to do to stop it. They may not feel safe stepping in in the moment, but there are many other steps they can take. Spend time with the person being bullied atJenny Strom 2012 school.
Standing Up For the Oppressed Talk with them, include them, or play with them at recess. Listen to them. Callthe person being bullied at home to encourage them and give advice so that it is not done in front of others. Tell an adult who you trust, like your teacher or coach. Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For the Oppressed You can tell them in person or leave them a note. Set a good example, what would you want others to do for you? Send a text message or go up to the person who was bullied later and say that wasn‟t cool and that they are there for them. Help the person being bullied tell an adult, suggest going with them, or talking after school to avoid being singled out. Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For theOppressed Take away the audience by choosing not to watch and walk away and encourage others to do the same. Be kind to the person being bullied at another time. Tell the person being bullied that you don‟t like the bullying and ask them if you can do anything to help. Tell the child doing the bullying that you don‟t like it and to stop doing it (only if it feels safe & if other supportive people around). Distract the bully or offer an escape for the target by saying something like, “Mr. Smith needs to see you right now” or “Come on, we need you for our game” (but only if it Strom 2012 safe Jenny feels
Standing Up For the Oppressed Now is not the time to show off. You will most likely only make it harder for the victim. Do not get discouraged if you have already talked to the teachers and nothing happened. Keep trying. Teachers and other school authorities will be more likely to respond if they find out that the bullying is becoming a recurrent problem. Look for opportunities to contribute to the anti-bullying culture of your school through creating posters, stories, or films.Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For the Oppressed Try talking to other teachers and counselors so that you can get more people involved in trying to stop the situation. If they feel that this is none of your business, put yourself in the victim‟s shoes. (that empathy message again!) Bullying can cause severe anxiety, depression, anger, and frustration in a person, and can turn their life into a nightmare. You wouldn‟t want to feel that way duirng these years of your life. Don‟t combat violence with violence (unless absolutely necessary). It takes a lot of courage for someone to step up on behalf of a bullied person. However, don‟t use insults or physical violence to defend the victim, we want to stop the cycle of bullying notJenny Strom 2012 contribute to it.
Help Foster The Positive Role of the Bystander in your Child1. Intervene immediately with discipline (not punishment) at home2. Create opportunities to “do good” (volunteer, help family out etc)3. Nurture empathy (empathy message again!)4. Teach friendship skills – assertive, respectful, and peaceful5. Closely monitor your child‟s tv, video game, computer activities, and playing.6. Engage them in and set up more constructive, entertaining, and energizing activities, friend time, family game night, movie night, science experiment night, cooking night, etc7. Teach your child to “will good” Jenny Strom 2012
How can Bystanders Help? Simple gestures like talking to them, sitting with them at lunch, or inviting them to play sports or other games during physical education or recess can help a lot. Advise the child to listen to the person being bullied, let them talk about the event. They can call the person being bullied at home to provide support, encourage them and give advice. They can let that person know that what happened wasn‟t cool, and that they‟re there for them. A bystander can help by telling the person being bullied that they don‟t like the bullying and asking them if he can do anything to help. 2012 Jenny Strom Bystanders can also help the person being bullied talk to a trusted adult.
Why Do Kids Bully? They are being bullied themselves Revenge Fearful of being picked on Showing off; think others will be impressed, trying to fit in and belong Jealous Competitive Lonely Crave attention Have trouble empathizing Some bullies thrive on domination/power Sometimes modeling what they see at home Jenny Strom 2012
Who is likely a Target? New kids at school Youngest/smallest – kids who struggle to engage in the group Extra sensitive, shy, or anxious to please If there is a noticeable physical difference If there is a noticeable class difference Difference race/ethnicity Kids who don‟t follow traditional gender roles (LGBTQ) Sometimes if your just in the wrong place at the wrong time.enny Strom 2012 J
Why The Bullied Don’t Tell Feel ashamed Fear retaliation Don’t believe anyone can or will help, they feel like they tried Believe the lie that bullying is part of growing up Believe that adults are part of the problem. May experience adults as giving permission or actually bullying them in some way too Telling is bad, not cool, immature If you ask for help it’s because you can’t do it on your own You might appear weakJenny Strom 2012 The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
Insulating Kids from Bullying: Skills to Build Cultivating Friendships / improving social skills Conflict resolution skills Provide an anonymous way to report bullying Teach and Model Stress & Anger management skills Encourage positive self talk (I like myself, I can think for myself) Accepting differences / diversity training Set clear expectations and provide consequences against bullying of any kind Self – esteem boosting (mentors, volunteer projects, hobbies, athletics)Jenny Strom 2012
Example of Role-Play to Strengthen the SurvivorWhen the bully makes a statement (as in the script) look the bully in the eye and give your response calmly, nonchalantly, without any hostility.Role play this with your partner – the „bully‟ who will be using the Bully Script. Bully: You have a great big nose Target: True, it is large Bully: It looks like a beak Target: True, it does stand out Bully: You are the ugliest kid in the school Target: That‟s your opinion Bully: You are wearing gay shoes Target: You are not wrong Bully: You must be stupid to keep agreeing with me Target: That‟s true Bully: You keep saying that‟s true Target: That‟s true Jenny Strom 2012 In the next part of this exercise reply by asking a question which can surprise and put the bully on the „back foot.‟ Look at at the bully with mild curiosity.
Role-Play Continued Bully: You are such an idiot. Target: Why do you think so ? (Wait for the answer) Bully: Everybody hates you. Target: That‟s interesting. Why do you think that ? (Wait) Bully: You are always in the library at lunch time Target: That‟s right. Why does that concern you ? (Wait)Finally: Bully: All those kids in the library are nerds Target: It may seem like that to you Bully: You have no friends Target: That‟s what you think! Now discuss with the „target‟ how you felt (as a bully) on hearing the target‟s responses. Also discuss the conditions under which you think this approach might work, or notJenny Strom 2012 work.
The 5 Ingredients for a peaceful resolution to conflict1. Identify the issues that underlie the incident.2. Figure out how each person contributed to causing the dispute.3. Think about what you are willing to do to bring about a resolution.4. Be prepared for both of you making concessions.5. Ask yourselves, “What do we want to have come out of this?” Jenny Strom 2012
Qualities that Protect Kids Friendliness Willingness to share Willingness to cooperate Capable of joining in the play of others A sense of humor Strong sense of self Have at least one good friendAdapted from “The Behavioral Attributes of Victimized Children” a thesis by S. Pierce Jenny Strom 2012
Effectively Handling Face to Face Bullies (recap) Sometimes these approaches work: Using humor Laughing and acting like you don‟t care Running away (when in real physical danger) Ignoring (when they are taunting for attention, it takes a bully and the bullied child to create the situation and sustain the dynamic) Adapted from The Bully Free ClassroomJenny Strom 2012
Effectively Handling Face to Face Bullies (recap) Do: Stay calm & walk away Encourage your children to be around positive peers – get to Join others so you are not alone know their parents too! Look the bully in the eye and Tell a friend, teacher, or parent speak firmly and confidently when something happens, or indirectly tell them through a Firmly say, “Cut it out!” “Stop!” voicemail, e-mail, or anonymous “That‟s not ok!” “That‟s not cool!” note if that feels better but TELL SOMEONE.Jenny Strom 2012
Effectively Handling Face to Face Bullies (recap) Don’t Cry Call names, yell, lose your cool, or use violence Stay home, avoid the problem – it will not just go away Plot revenge, threaten Look or act small Give them ammunition to run with or tease youJenny Strom 2012 Adapted from The Bully Free Classroom By Allan, PhD
Clear Expectations/Boundarie s From a young age send the message that bullying is not acceptable in your home or at school (monitor play, have family rules clearly marked at home, use note cards with rules, monitor facebook and social media, nothing is private anymore and your children/teens need to understand that, check internet history as well) What are the consequences if your child is involved in bullying? Decide them ahead of time. What if you find threats on their social media outlets, are you prepared for how you as a guardian will respond. When they beg you not to tell, how are you going to handle it? These are important to think about and discuss with your significant other ahead of time.Jenny Strom 2012
Resources Books:The Everything Parent‟s Guide to Dealing with Bullies by Deborah CarpenterThe Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by Barbara ColorosoSpeak Up and Get Along!: Learn the Mighty Might, Thought Chop, and More Tools to Make Friends, Stop Teasing, and Feel Good About Yourself by Scott CooperThe Bully Free Classroom by Allan, L PhD10 Days to a Bully-Proof Child by Sherryll Kraizer Jenny Strom 2012
Resources Websites: www.stopbullying.gov/ http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/self_esteem.html www.healthypeople.gov www.aap.org www.samhsa.gov www.safeyouth.org www.actagainstviolence.apa.org (teach young children nonviolent problem solving)Jenny Strom 2012