BULLYING PART II Jenny Strom, MA, LPC 262-241-5955 x264 E-mail: Jenny.firstname.lastname@example.orgJenny Strom 2012
Goals Recap cyber-bullying is and it‟s different forms so you can protect your children Recap bullying and defining the behaviors Help your children prepare for bullying and handle diversity/conflict in and out of school Learn tools and how to respond to your children in order to unlock their inner goodness Focus on prevention as opposed to interventionJenny Strom 2012
Video Clip http://www.stopbullying.gov/videos/2010/09/what-is-bullying.htmlJenny Strom 2012
Discussion Brief reactions. Feel free, when your ready to shout them out or raise your hand.Jenny Strom 2012
Review Cyber Bullying Bullying or harassment by use of any electronic device. In the U.S., it is now a federal crime. It is recommended you have a conversation with your children about how nothing is private anymore. Therefore, they need to be careful about what they post and who they send things to. If they want to have a private conversation the only way to do that is in person or over the phone. It is not unreasonable to have the password to their fb, e-mail, twitter, tumbler, my space, intagram, cell phone, gchat, or blogs etc. It is not something to monitor all the time, but to check once in a while.Jenny Strom 2012
Review Bullying The 4 Markers of Bullying: 1.An imbalance of power 2.Intent to harm 3.Threat of further harm 4.Instilling fear or terrorJenny Strom 2012
Review Bullying Survival tips: Don‟t allow the bullies to take charge of your life, Ignore the bully and walk away, Talk about bullying openly with your Walk tall and hold your head high, children. Hold onto anger, Have play dates regularly even with the child who might be bullying Use humor, (one on one changes Work out anger and frustration, everything!) Don‟t get physical, Have a note card with play date rules to remind them of theirJenny Strom 2012 social skills Practice confidence,
Review Bullying Types of bullying: Verbal Bullying Physical Bullying Social and emotional bullying Relational Extortion Direct/Indirect bullying Cyber bullyingJenny Strom 2012
4 Antidotes to Bullying 1. Having a strong sense of self 2. Being a good friend 3. Having at least one friend who is there for you through thick and thin (foster friendships through activities, team sports, clubs, religious groups, scouts/brownies, and play dates etc) 4. Being able to successfully get into a groupJenny Strom 2012
Avoid these mistakes: Never tell the child to ignore the bullying if you have determined it is bullying behavior going on. Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves to be bullied. Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid who is bullying. Fighting back could get your child hurt, suspended, or expelled. Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents involved until all other options have been exhausted. Because in addition to the parent denying the bullying, it may make matters worse, if it is happening at school, or on the bus, school should be notified first. School or other officials can act as mediators between parents if that Jenny Strom 2012 becomes necessary.
Follow-up Show a commitment to making bullying stop. Because by definition bullying is behavior that repeats, it takes consistent effort to ensure that it stops. Schools are overwhelmed, and or don’t know how to solve all the problems. Collaboration is key.Jenny Strom 2012
Unlock Their Inner Goodness Help them understand empathy Tell stories to help them relate, that are age appropriate Model respectful behavior at home (avoid name calling, set boundaries and explain if you become reactive- due to a situation that brought on a strong emotional reaction what made you react in that way, be careful of making fun/using sarcasm this can beJenny Strom 2012 internalized by children over time)
Unlock Their Inner Goodness Role-play a scenario about the importance of respecting others, the negative effects of gossip, or how to cooperate with one another, and way it’s important to be able to be apart of a group/team (know are they leader, follower) Talk about civil rights and bullying – have them tell you stories so you know they truly understand the behaviors that are acceptable/unacceptable – in other words: have them reflect the meaning back to you through examples etc. Read a book about bullying – start education/expectations early Have your child help advocate and or make initiatives atJenny Strom 2012 school about bullying, respect etc.
Unlock Their Inner Goodness Work with the child to understand some of the reasons he or she might be a target for being bullied (reframe these as strengths and weaknesses) Talk openly about how to be a good friend, give examples! Have your son or daughter write a story about the effects of bullying or benefits of teamwork Talk about cyberbullying and being smart online Keep your computer in a common area, let them know you have tracking soft wear, have their passwords to FB, and their cell phone. Nothing is private! But let them know you will only use it if necessary (Opportunity is everything! Intermittent reinforcement is powerful) The goal is to help them see how their actions affect othersJenny Strom 2012
Examples of things to do to foster teamwork/activities to do with your kids at home together Garbage art activity Bubble Brigade Candy reachJenny Strom 2012
Warning Signs to Look For Angry or withdrawn after internet use Abrupt avoidance or fear of school Avoiding friends or activities Sudden avoidance of using the internet Unexpected drop in grades Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking about peers Using negative, derogatory language re: peers Stops talking about peers and everyday activitiesJenny Strom 2012
Warning Signs Continued Taking parent‟s money and making poor excuses (could be threatened to bring the money to school) Not using the bathroom at school Is sad, sullen angry or scared after a text, e-mail, phone call Loss of interest in school, participate in class – grades dip Sudden loss of increase in appetite Doing things “out of character” Difficulty falling asleep (sudden bed wetting) Has physical injuries not consistent with explanation Has stomach aches, headaches, panic attacks, over/under sleeping that appears to be stress relatedJenny Strom 2012
Warning Signs Continued Taking an unusual route to school Signs of depression (isolation, giving up activities that they at one time loved) Withdrawal from family; wanting to be “left alone” Losing lunch money or saying, “I wasn‟t hungry” because lunch can be a key time for bully behavior because supervision is lacking Stops talking about peers and everyday activities Has physical injuries not consistent with explanation Has stomach aches, headaches, panic attacks, over/under sleeping that appears to be stress relatedJenny Strom 2012
As well as having an ongoing dialogue about everyday events & looking for warning signs, it’s good to ask questions in different ways: Are there any bullies in your class? What exactly do you consider or think bullying is? What kinds of things do they do or say? Are there any kids these bullies tend to pick on? Do they ever bully you? Do you ever bully anyone in class? What do you think about bullying? What could you do if you saw someone being bullied? Jenny Strom 2012
Dealing with DiversityTalking openly about how many children in class will be different from them – sometimes you can see it (examples), sometimes it is not so obvious (examples).Kids with disabilities, kids who look different from you, who dress differently, who talk or stand differently than you do, or who do not follow the same gender roles that you do.Kids who believe different things, who have a different way of doing things than you do, who eat different things, or are out of school for different religious practices than you.Strom 2012 Jenny
Dealing with Diversity Standing up for the oppressed or bullied children by being the most effective bystander possible. Understanding there are many ways to look at things and your way is often neither right or wrong, it just is. Everyone has a right to be themselves. If you don‟t understand something, that is ok we are not going to understand everything and everyone around us, but teaching them about tolerance and acceptance are key.Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For the Oppressed Support Bystanders when you can in the ways you can. Many times, when they see bullying, they may not know what to do to stop it. They may not feel safe stepping in in the moment, but there are many other steps they can take. Spend time with the person being bullied atJenny Strom 2012 school.
Standing Up For the Oppressed Talk with them, include them, or play with them at recess. Listen to them. Callthe person being bullied at home to encourage them and give advice so that it is not done in front of others. Tell an adult who you trust, like your teacher or coach. Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For the Oppressed You can tell them in person or leave them a note. Set a good example, what would you want others to do for you? Send a text message or go up to the person who was bullied later and say that wasn‟t cool and that they are there for them. Help the person being bullied tell an adult, suggest going with them, or talking after school to avoid being singled out. Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For theOppressed Take away the audience by choosing not to watch and walk away and encourage others to do the same. Be kind to the person being bullied at another time. Tell the person being bullied that you don‟t like the bullying and ask them if you can do anything to help. Tell the child doing the bullying that you don‟t like it and to stop doing it (only if it feels safe & if other supportive people around). Distract the bully or offer an escape for the target by saying something like, “Mr. Smith needs to see you right now” or “Come on, we need you for our game” (but only if it Strom 2012 safe Jenny feels
Standing Up For the Oppressed Now is not the time to show off. You will most likely only make it harder for the victim. Do not get discouraged if you have already talked to the teachers and nothing happened. Keep trying. Teachers and other school authorities will be more likely to respond if they find out that the bullying is becoming a recurrent problem. Look for opportunities to contribute to the anti-bullying culture of your school through creating posters, stories, or films.Jenny Strom 2012
Standing Up For the Oppressed Try talking to other teachers and counselors so that you can get more people involved in trying to stop the situation. If they feel that this is none of your business, put yourself in the victim‟s shoes. (that empathy message again!) Bullying can cause severe anxiety, depression, anger, and frustration in a person, and can turn their life into a nightmare. You wouldn‟t want to feel that way duirng these years of your life. Don‟t combat violence with violence (unless absolutely necessary). It takes a lot of courage for someone to step up on behalf of a bullied person. However, don‟t use insults or physical violence to defend the victim, we want to stop the cycle of bullying notJenny Strom 2012 contribute to it.
Help Foster The Positive Role of the Bystander in your Child1. Intervene immediately with discipline (not punishment) at home2. Create opportunities to “do good” (volunteer, help family out etc)3. Nurture empathy (empathy message again!)4. Teach friendship skills – assertive, respectful, and peaceful5. Closely monitor your child‟s tv, video game, computer activities, and playing.6. Engage them in and set up more constructive, entertaining, and energizing activities, friend time, family game night, movie night, science experiment night, cooking night, etc7. Teach your child to “will good” Jenny Strom 2012
How can Bystanders Help? Simple gestures like talking to them, sitting with them at lunch, or inviting them to play sports or other games during physical education or recess can help a lot. Advise the child to listen to the person being bullied, let them talk about the event. They can call the person being bullied at home to provide support, encourage them and give advice. They can let that person know that what happened wasn‟t cool, and that they‟re there for them. A bystander can help by telling the person being bullied that they don‟t like the bullying and asking them if he can do anything to help. 2012 Jenny Strom Bystanders can also help the person being bullied talk to a trusted adult.
Why Do Kids Bully? They are being bullied themselves Revenge Fearful of being picked on Showing off; think others will be impressed, trying to fit in and belong Jealous Competitive Lonely Crave attention Have trouble empathizing Some bullies thrive on domination/power Sometimes modeling what they see at home Jenny Strom 2012
Who is likely a Target? New kids at school Youngest/smallest – kids who struggle to engage in the group Extra sensitive, shy, or anxious to please If there is a noticeable physical difference If there is a noticeable class difference Difference race/ethnicity Kids who don‟t follow traditional gender roles (LGBTQ) Sometimes if your just in the wrong place at the wrong time.enny Strom 2012 J
Why The Bullied Don’t Tell Feel ashamed Fear retaliation Don’t believe anyone can or will help, they feel like they tried Believe the lie that bullying is part of growing up Believe that adults are part of the problem. May experience adults as giving permission or actually bullying them in some way too Telling is bad, not cool, immature If you ask for help it’s because you can’t do it on your own You might appear weakJenny Strom 2012 The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
Insulating Kids from Bullying: Skills to Build Cultivating Friendships / improving social skills Conflict resolution skills Provide an anonymous way to report bullying Teach and Model Stress & Anger management skills Encourage positive self talk (I like myself, I can think for myself) Accepting differences / diversity training Set clear expectations and provide consequences against bullying of any kind Self – esteem boosting (mentors, volunteer projects, hobbies, athletics)Jenny Strom 2012
Example of Role-Play to Strengthen the SurvivorWhen the bully makes a statement (as in the script) look the bully in the eye and give your response calmly, nonchalantly, without any hostility.Role play this with your partner – the „bully‟ who will be using the Bully Script. Bully: You have a great big nose Target: True, it is large Bully: It looks like a beak Target: True, it does stand out Bully: You are the ugliest kid in the school Target: That‟s your opinion Bully: You are wearing gay shoes Target: You are not wrong Bully: You must be stupid to keep agreeing with me Target: That‟s true Bully: You keep saying that‟s true Target: That‟s true Jenny Strom 2012 In the next part of this exercise reply by asking a question which can surprise and put the bully on the „back foot.‟ Look at at the bully with mild curiosity.
Role-Play Continued Bully: You are such an idiot. Target: Why do you think so ? (Wait for the answer) Bully: Everybody hates you. Target: That‟s interesting. Why do you think that ? (Wait) Bully: You are always in the library at lunch time Target: That‟s right. Why does that concern you ? (Wait)Finally: Bully: All those kids in the library are nerds Target: It may seem like that to you Bully: You have no friends Target: That‟s what you think! Now discuss with the „target‟ how you felt (as a bully) on hearing the target‟s responses. Also discuss the conditions under which you think this approach might work, or notJenny Strom 2012 work.
The 5 Ingredients for a peaceful resolution to conflict1. Identify the issues that underlie the incident.2. Figure out how each person contributed to causing the dispute.3. Think about what you are willing to do to bring about a resolution.4. Be prepared for both of you making concessions.5. Ask yourselves, “What do we want to have come out of this?” Jenny Strom 2012
Qualities that Protect Kids Friendliness Willingness to share Willingness to cooperate Capable of joining in the play of others A sense of humor Strong sense of self Have at least one good friendAdapted from “The Behavioral Attributes of Victimized Children” a thesis by S. Pierce Jenny Strom 2012
Effectively Handling Face to Face Bullies (recap) Sometimes these approaches work: Using humor Laughing and acting like you don‟t care Running away (when in real physical danger) Ignoring (when they are taunting for attention, it takes a bully and the bullied child to create the situation and sustain the dynamic) Adapted from The Bully Free ClassroomJenny Strom 2012
Effectively Handling Face to Face Bullies (recap) Do: Stay calm & walk away Encourage your children to be around positive peers – get to Join others so you are not alone know their parents too! Look the bully in the eye and Tell a friend, teacher, or parent speak firmly and confidently when something happens, or indirectly tell them through a Firmly say, “Cut it out!” “Stop!” voicemail, e-mail, or anonymous “That‟s not ok!” “That‟s not cool!” note if that feels better but TELL SOMEONE.Jenny Strom 2012
Effectively Handling Face to Face Bullies (recap) Don’t Cry Call names, yell, lose your cool, or use violence Stay home, avoid the problem – it will not just go away Plot revenge, threaten Look or act small Give them ammunition to run with or tease youJenny Strom 2012 Adapted from The Bully Free Classroom By Allan, PhD
Clear Expectations/Boundarie s From a young age send the message that bullying is not acceptable in your home or at school (monitor play, have family rules clearly marked at home, use note cards with rules, monitor facebook and social media, nothing is private anymore and your children/teens need to understand that, check internet history as well) What are the consequences if your child is involved in bullying? Decide them ahead of time. What if you find threats on their social media outlets, are you prepared for how you as a guardian will respond. When they beg you not to tell, how are you going to handle it? These are important to think about and discuss with your significant other ahead of time.Jenny Strom 2012
Resources Books:The Everything Parent‟s Guide to Dealing with Bullies by Deborah CarpenterThe Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by Barbara ColorosoSpeak Up and Get Along!: Learn the Mighty Might, Thought Chop, and More Tools to Make Friends, Stop Teasing, and Feel Good About Yourself by Scott CooperThe Bully Free Classroom by Allan, L PhD10 Days to a Bully-Proof Child by Sherryll Kraizer Jenny Strom 2012
Resources Websites: www.stopbullying.gov/ http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/self_esteem.html www.healthypeople.gov www.aap.org www.samhsa.gov www.safeyouth.org www.actagainstviolence.apa.org (teach young children nonviolent problem solving)Jenny Strom 2012