The problem begins when it surpasses typical childhood conflict and meets the four markers for bullying: an imbalance of power, intent to harm, threat of future harm, and instilling fear which we will discuss multiple times today. The word conflict assumes that both kids are in part responsible for the current problem and need to work it out. In the process of working it out, both kids make compromises and the conflict is resolved. But bullying is not conflict – it is a form of aggressive victimization where one child is the perpetrator and the other is the victim. Forcing the victim to engage in conflict resolution or mediation with his or her bully is neither fair nor recommended. The responsibility for resolving the bullying lies squarely on the bully. The bully can be told your behavior is unacceptable and it will not be tolerated. The child who is bullied should be told, no one deserves to be bullied. Every effort will be made to stop it. Making the survivor feel safe should be top priority!!!! When kids are in flight or fight mode it is very difficult to learn and process what is happening around them at school and at home, especially when the bullying sometimes continues at home through cyber bullying – then they can’t get away from it.
Threats of violenceChild pornography or sending sexually explicit messages or photosTaking a photo or video of someone in a place where he or she would expect privacyStalking and hate crimes
39 % in person is still the largest percentage10 % by phone14 % via text message17 % online10 % some other wayMost bullying is still being experienced in-person (21% are bullied exclusively in this way) Internet victimization does not appear to be increasing, but text message victimization seems to be… so what these stats to mean is that prevention is key.
Get passwords for all devices, explain that nothing is private and help them develop an internal locus of control because once it is out in the internet universe anything can happen. Encourage them to be aware friends, their parents, school officials, and other community members may be watching. Reporting Cyberbullying:Cyberbullying often violates the terms of service established by social media sites and internet service providers.Review their terms and conditions or rights and responsibilities sections. These describe content that is or is not appropriate.Visit social media safety centers to learn how to block users and change settings to control who can contact you.Report cyberbullying to the social media site so they can take action against users abusing the terms of service.
Recent playground stats show that when a child is bullied, 85% of the time no on intervenes. This suggests that most school bullying continues to be carried out under the radar of teachers and school personnel because they can’t be everywhere at once. A Kaiser Family Foundation study confirmed this when 71% of the teachers reported that they intervened often or almost always whereas only 23% of the children agreed. Bullying tends to happen between classes, on the bus, on the play ground, on the internet, in the locker room, or even in some cases through outside exclusion of activities which we will discuss shortly.
If you don’t pull down Mikey’s pants you can’t play kick ball with us every again.10 girls are invited to a birthday party but only 7 are allowed to sleep over after the activity and the others go home.Your gay so you can’t be in our group.
Here are some suggestions as to how to help your child combat psychological and verbal bullying to talk about before they come home telling you this has happened. They're also good tips for your children to share with friends as a way to show their support
Use a joke, make fun of yourselfBe yourselfBe confidentUse the voice you were givenUse I statements such as: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that's not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.Role-play with your children what to say when someone is teasing or bullying them is a powerful way to help them feel prepared and in control.
Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful, given the bully epidemic martial arts has exploded in the US. But it is more than just about protecting yourself it is about self-esteem, respect, discipline, taking responsibility and the like. So, martial arts, yoga, Rugby, soccer, cross country, basketball, baseball, gymnastics, dance, and other athletics are great outlets and team builders. Another way to gain confidence is to hone their skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, new hobbies or writing. Sign them up for a classes, clubs, or a gym because it’s a great way to make new friends and feel good about yourself. The confidence they gain will help them ignore the mean kids or pressure to bully.
Get to know your friend’s parent early on – despite how much time and effort it takes, it avoids problems later because you have already set up the expectation that you will get to know their parents. It also may help you direct your son or daughter early on for example: They are in second grade after school and want to have a friend over and you have vibes from different parents and kids in the class then you say ok, would you like to have Steve or Kenny over? That way you are not telling them Kevin can’t come over, but directing them to pick from two children who you know, feel are safe and grounded and more likely to have a positive influence. The earlier you start the better.
Social skills go beyond the basics of P’s and Q’s and it is ironic on some level that you pay for violin lessons to help your children enhance their music skills through teaching and practice, but we often forget to teach our children the skills that are very important for leading a life filled with successful interpersonal relationships and emotional good health. But have no fear, social aptitude, like any other skill, can be studied, practiced and improved upon. It is an effort well worth making if it helps your child navigate through his or her world with some competence and confidence. Studies have linked social competence with better academic achievement, stronger friendships, and high self-esteem. And in later years, social competence can increase career and marital success. It is a win-win situation. 1. The ability to make friends (Play time allows them to practice and experiment with various kinds of relationships with different kinds of kids. The idea is that when kids play, they will learn how to interact effectively and will develop the skills necessary for making friends at every age. This doesn’t always work however, some kids need your help and guidance to develop the skills that may appear to come naturally to other kids. Talk about problem solving. If you hear another friend calling your child bossy or saying they always play what he wants to play help him better understand where that comes from and write list on a note card to go over each time he goes to a friends house or someone comes over. Such as remember to take turns deciding what to play, offer to help clean up, if you disagree about something that is ok, maybe ask an adult for help if your not sure what to do,
As your child begins to develop stronger social skills and more confidence, he or she will be ready to start asserting him or herself in uncomfortable situations. Many kids aren’t naturally assertive and need to be taught that it is not just ok to stand up for themselves, it is recommended and necessary in relationships. It is important for your child to be able to ask for help when he or she needs it. Many kids are unwilling to ask for help for a variety of reasons – they believe they wont receive it, they wont be believed, they feel like they should handle their problems on their own, etc. It is our job as parents to help them understand that there are times when everyone needs help – even us. Tell your child about a time where you had to ask for help and be sure to include how grateful you were to receive it. Many people struggle to say no. And kids have an even tougher time saying no, mainly b/c they are not taught that it is acceptable to do so. Your child should feel that he has the right to say no to a request that makes him uncomfortable. If your child does not wish to attend a certain party, he should be allowed to say, maybe next time. Or say no to tag if he does not feel like playing and feel secure saying so. Part of instilling a sense of personal power in your child is giving him the freedom to control the things he or she does and does not want to do. Let him or her make some decisions and they will gain the confidence to believe he or she can make the right and best decision for them. If we are always making decisions for them, it really can set them up for major struggles in the future to set their own boundaries and make their own decisions because they will not always be able to look to you.As your child’s confidence and self-esteem increase, they will be better equipped to deal with kids who try to bully him. Over time, as he practices his or her social skills, becomes more aware of his body language, improves his friendships-making skills, and improves his level of assertiveness, they will feel more competent dealing with aggressive kids who bully. As he or she tries to deflect bullying, help him try new strategies and devise new plans to deal with it. With your help (and a plan), he will no longer feel that he’s alone. You have been helping him for some time, and he will feel confident you will help guide him through this, as well. Make sure to clarify typical conflicts such as misunderstandings, difference of opinion, that there is more than one way to do something, that it is normal to disagree about sharing at times, or to be the bigger person and give up the last cookie – that’s being clear and concise with your language about bullying vs. having a conflict or disagreement. You can even label those things at home. If your older son is picking on your younger son call it that and talk about it as apposed to bullying him. If you are having a disagreement with your sister on the phone about Thanksgiving dinner take the opportunity after to day to your children your aunt and I see things differently and that is ok because we are different people and we worked it out and made a compromise.
1.An imbalance of power2.Intent to harm3.Threat of further harm 4.Instilling fear or terror
Unfortunately ignoring it will not make it go away and thinking this is part of growing up feeds this problem. If you child knows what bullying is and comes to you saying he or she has been repeatedly harassed at school and talks about what happened, you know your child best. If it sounds like it has the markers of bullying don’t wait. If it sounds like a fight with a friend and there is a balance of power, take apart the situation and really talk to you children about the difference. That way you are not ignoring their feelings or what is happening to them either way. Don’t talk to the parents of the bully:(unless you know the parents well and are sure they would respond in a constructive manner, it’s best to let the school deal with the parents of the bully at first)Don’t accuse the teacher of failing to do her job: (you need the school’s involvement, a teacher may be defensive at first and they may feel like you are questioning her adequacy as a teacher or her level of supervision. Give her the benefit of the doubt and keep an open mind by working together with her protect your child. A significant amount of bullying happens when children are the least supervised in school.) Instead of talking to the bullies parents, enlist the help of the school counselor to confer with you and your child and then with the bully and the bully’s parents to problem solve because the bully’s parents tend to be defensive and refuse to believe it, minimize it, or point figures. The third party helps buffer and since the bullying is happening at school, the school needs to be brought on board so research and the latest bullying programs advocate you start with the school in order to have the best results and least harmful affects on your child.
From an early age children hear, don’t tattle, don’t snitch, rat, squeal and then later we ask, “why didn’t you tell me?” These words can entrench children in the deeply embedded code of silence. What is lost in this code is the immorality of that silence in the face of malice. We need to let them know there are some things we need to tell.Use everyday events as opportunities to practice, you can start teaching 4 year olds the difference between telling and tattling. “James is sucking his thumb again.” (Telling me to get your brother in trouble- which do you think that is? don’t tell.” “James’s front tooth fell out, and his mouth is all bloody.” (telling me can get him out of trouble-tell) “James’s front tooth fell out when he was sucking his thumb, and his mouth is bloody.” (It’s both – I need to know) “If Johnny knocked Jeff off the swing and called him an ugly name, tell me I need to know.” “If Susie is telling all the girls in 5th grade to exclude the new girl to see if she can survive, tell me, I need to know that can get her out of a troubling situation.”If this distinction is taught to children when they are younger, it can pay off in the teen years. Adolescents will understand that it is not tattling, snitching, ratting, or squealing to tell you that their friend who has been tormented by peers is giving his possessions away and saying subtle good-byes to classmates because telling may help him out of the mess he is in; not telling could be life-threatening. If a friend is going to bring a weapon to school, it could get him in trouble to tell, but it can also get him and others out of a dangerous situation. Your child tells you that Julie challenged Meghan to pull her pants down on the playground or risking permanently being out casted from the group is a matter of getting someone in trouble and someone out of trouble. This way your child has learned the tool, will she use it, we wont know, but we know having the tool will help increase her likelihood of telling.
1st one:For example, consider talking to their teacher about rearranging the classroom or bus seating plans for everyone so it is not apparent your child is the “bullied” kid. When faced with the proof you child is being bullied, there are several stops you should take. Be Sure your child is safeReport the incidentAsk to be updated on the resolutionMove up the chain of commandFile a formal complaintGet Legal advice if necessary
Pierce talked about the 5 personality factors that seemed to protect kids from becoming increasingly victimized are: 1. Friendliness 2. Willingness to share 3. Willingness to cooperate 4. Skill in joining the play of other children and 5. Possessing a sense of humor – all of these are critical to the four Antidotes of bullying.It is important for children to see themselves as capable, competent, cooperative, responsible, resourceful, and resilient, not only are they less likely to be cruel and combative bullies, they are more likely to be able to effectively fend off an attack by one. Now to say that if they use their bully-proofing skills, a bully won’t target them is impossible. The reality is that the better your children feel about themselves, the less likely they are to succumb to the tactics of a bully should one be so foolish enough to target them. “I am a decent, caring, responsible person. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve this. The bully made a mistake, is obviously having a lousy day, and is trying to get his needs met in a mean way.” (Promotes positive self-talk, accurate reflection of the situation, and sees the bullying as coming from outside therefore, not something to beat themselves up over and internalize.) Good messages, “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it.”“Remember you can’t take back things once you have said them, especially online, so stop and think before you post something.”
Recognize the signs of bullying and define the behaviors Understand what cyber-bullying is and it’s different forms so you can protect your children Help your children prepare for bullying and handle diversity/conflict in and out of school Learn tools and how to respond to your children in order to unlock their inner goodness Focus on prevention as opposed to intervention Jenny Strom Fall 2012
We all need to be mindful of our language. A certain level of conflict between kids is ―normal‖, typical, and healthy which can help prepare them for life. However, I want you to leave here with some idea of where to draw the line. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Bullyingor harassment by use of electronic devices through e-mail, instant messaging, text messages, blogs, twitter and other social media websites such as facebook. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
In the U.S., it is now a federal crime to ―annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person‖ via the internet or telecommunication system (it’s in your contract!) Punishable by fine and/or up to two years imprisonment Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Flaming: angry, rude statements Harassment:repeatedly sending offensive messages Outing and Trickery: disseminating private information or tricking someone into disclosing private information and then sending it to others Denigration: ―Dissing‖ someone by spreading false rumors or information by Nancy Willard Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Impersonation: pretending to be someone else and posting damaging information Exclusion: intentionally excluding someone from an online group Cyber-stalking: creating fear by sending repeated offensive messages Cyber threats: raises concerns about violence against others by Nancy Willard Jenny Strom Fall 2012
A study of 1500 Internet-using teens over 1/3 of youth reported being victimized 40% of victims were disrespected, 18% were called names over 12% were physically threatened about 5% were scared for their safety Only 15% of victims told an adult about the incident over 16% of teens admitted to cyber-bullying others And reported it is much easier for them to bully when not facing the person Hinduja and Patchin, 2005 Jenny Strom Fall 2012
In person By phone Text Online Some otherJenny Strom Fall 2012
20% report they had been victims of bullying 73% stated that they knew the bully, while 26% stated that the offender was a stranger. 10% indicated that another person has taken a picture of them via a cell phone camera and they felt uncomfortable, embarrassed or threatened by this. 13% told a parent, and 12% told a teacher, 39% told a friend, and 27% did not tell anyone National Children’s Home charity and Tesco Mobile, 2005 Jenny Strom Fall 2012
―virtually‖ anonymous less energy and courage to express hurtful comments using a keypad do not have to be larger and stronger than their victims electronic forums typically lack supervision no individuals to monitor or censor offensive content in electronic mail, posts or text messages Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Kids often know more about computers and cellular phones than their parents, so there is little concern that a probing parent will discover their experience (delete messages, changing passwords, getting ride of websites etc) The inseparability of a cellular phone from its owner makes that person a perpetual target for victimization (kids can’t get away from this stuff) May be able to avoid it (change e-mail, have caller id on cell, avoid certain chat rooms or block that person unlike kids on the playground or bus who have little control) Jenny Strom Fall 2012
1.An imbalance of power (holding a secret against someone/black- male, physical difference in size, group who follows orders from a bully, attention seeking, does it to be cool, dared to do things, chooses children who are easier targets)2.Intent to harm (physically or emotionally)3.Threat of further harm (perpetual, not an isolated incident)4.Instilling fear or terror The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso Jenny Strom Fall 2012
A recent survey of students in grades 6-10 reported that 13% of students bullied others, 11% had been bullied, and 6% reported both being bullied and bullying others. In 2011 The Journal of the American Medical Association reported 17% of students reported being bullied 2-3 times per month. Taken from 524,054 students grades 3-12. With males and females being almost equal. More then 160,000 students skip school every day because they are anxious and fearful of being bullied. Jenny Strom Fall 2012 Deborah Carpenter: 2009
Verbal-most common form for boys and girls Relational- most difficult to detect; includes ignoring, excluding, shunning Physical-most visible and easiest to identify The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso Jenny Strom Fall 2012
When someone tries to gain control by making others afraid or angry Characterized by verbal abuse, exclusion from a group, tormenting, and or humiliating someone Extends to sexually abusive comments, LGBTQ and racially motivated comments, can be pointing out how someone is different or ―doesn’t belong‖ Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Most difficult type of bullying to cope with or prove (often kept quite) Research suggests it takes a tremendous toll on one’s physical and mental health and overall self image and self –esteem Is a form of social violence Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Ignore the bully and walk away - Its definitely not a cowardsresponse — sometimes it can be harder than losing yourtemper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, (it’s attentionseeking behavior) and if you walk away or ignore hurtfulemails or instant messages, or comments in the hall wayyoure telling the bully that you just dont care. However, thisis for beginning stages, not after a child feels consistentlythreatened or unsafe.Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of bodylanguage sends a message that youre not vulnerable. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Hold the anger. Who doesnt want to get really upset with abully? But thats exactly the response he or she is trying toget. Bullies want to know they have control over youremotions.If youre in a situation where you have to deal with a bullyand you cant walk away with poise, use humor — it canthrow the bully off guard. Practice this at home throughrole-play.Work out your anger or frustration in another healthy way.Examples might be throughexercise, sports, hobbies, talking it out with a friend or safeadult, or writing it down (make sure you tear up any lettersor notes you write in anger or keep them from friends sothat no one can use them against you). Once you put it onthe Internet it cannot be taken back! Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Dont get physical. However you choose to deal with abully, dont use physical force (like kicking, hitting, orpushing). Not only are you acting on your anger in unhealthyways, you can never be sure what the bully will do inresponse. You are more likely to be hurt and get in totrouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand upfor yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of thesituation by walking away or by being assertive in youractions.Practice confidence.Practice ways to respond to the bullyverbally or through your behavior with your child. Help thempractice feeling good about themselves (even if you have toconvince themselves at first). We are what we think! Check inabout what they are thinking. List positive qualities and havethem come up with positive thoughts to challenge negativethinking. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Don’t allow bullies to take charge of your life.Help yourchildren understand that they cant control other peoplesactions, but they can stay true to themselves. They cancontrol their response to what is happening. Help themthink about ways to feel their best — and strongest — sothat other kids may give up the teasing.Talk about it openly with your children! If they do not feellike opening up to you, make sure they know they haveoptions. They can talk to a guidancecounselor, teacher, family friend, older relative, or friend— anyone who can give them the support they need.Talking can be a good outlet for their fears andfrustrations that can build when their being bullied whichcan affect functioning. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Help them define and find their ―true‖ friends. If yourchild has been bullied with rumors or gossip, all ofthe above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting)can apply. But take it one step further to help easefeelings of hurt and isolation. Have them identifyone or two true friends and confide how the gossiphas hurt their feelings. Encourage your child to havethose friends come over to the house for play dates.Set the record straight by telling their friends quietlyand confidently whats true and not true about therumors. Hearing their friend say, "I knew that rumorwasn’t true.‖ Or, ―I didnt pay attention to it anyway,"can help them realize that most of the time peoplesee gossip for what it is — petty, rude, andimmature. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
1. The ability to make friends (and keep them)2. To have confidence in his or her abilities3. The ability to be resilient (adaptive)4. Body language (eye contact, posture, facial expressions all play a role)5. Voice quality ( tone & pitch, volume, clarity, rate)6. Conversational skills (greetings, introductions, sustaining conversations)7. Friendship skills (complimenting others, offer to help, ask to join in, show appreciation, share etc.) Jenny Strom Fall 2012
1. Asking for help2. Saying no – setting boundaries3. Dealing with conflict vs. dealing with bullies4. Asking for what you need Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Intervene immediately.Thank them for trusting you.Be a good listener.Let them know it’s not their fault.Make sure everyone is safe.Meet any immediate medical or mental health needs.Stay calm.Validate your child’s feelings.Reassure the kids involved, including bystanders.Ask your child what he or she needs to feel safe.Model respectful behavior when you intervene or talk to the school.Report the bullying to school personnel. (They need to know the facts otherwise they can’t do anything to help) Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Don’t ignore it.Don’t think kids can work out bullying without adult help.Don’t immediately try to sort out the facts or rush to solve the problem for them.Don’t force other kids to say publicly what they saw.Don’t question the children involved in front of other kids.Don’t talk to the kids involved together, only separately.Don’t make the kids involved apologize or patch up relations on the spot.Don’t talk to the parents of the bullyDon’t accuse the teacher of failing to do her job (even if you feel like that)Don’t confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone. Get the school involved first. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Tattling: If it will only get another child in trouble, don’t tell me. Telling: If it will get you or another child out of trouble, tell me. If it is both I need to know… this is a tool to help them discern what to tell, no matter what kind of situation they are facing. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Listen& focus on your child. Learn what’s been going on and show you want to help. (If you are doing this can decide what plan of action is necessary) If after talk you find out it is bullying assure your son or daughter that bullying is not their fault. Make sure that he or she knows what the problem behavior is (threatening, excluding, blackmail). Know that kids who are bullied may struggle with talking about it. It may take multiple conversations. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Role-playing and thinking through how the child might react if the bullying occurs again in the future this helps prepare them. It may help to: Ask your child what can be done to make him or her feel more safe? Or what do they want to have happen? Remember that changes to routine should be minimized. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Your child, the school or organization and possibly the bully’s parents may all need to get involved in order to obtain valuable input to solve the problem. Consider referring them to a school counselor, psychologist, or other mental health services. They may feel ashamed to tell you because they are embarrassed. Give advice about what to do, problem solve and talk through it, don’t tell them out to do. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Because it’s not your son or daughter’s fault and they should not be singled out . If bigger moves are necessary, such as switching classrooms or bus routes, the child who is bullied should not be forced to change but instead the bully. Develop a game plan with your child and the school first. Maintain open communication between schools, organizations, and parents. Discuss the steps that are taken and the limitations around what can be done based on policies and laws, schools can’t do it all. Remember, the law does not allow school personnel to discuss discipline, consequences, or services given to other children. Be persistent. Bullying may not end overnight. Commit to making it stop and consistently supporting your child. If all else fails, the school will likely call the bully’s parents, which keeps you out of it. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
1. Having a strong sense of self2. Being a good friend3. Having at least one friend who is there for you through thick and thin4. Being able to successfully get into a group Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Never tell the child to ignore the bullying if you have determined it is bullying behavior going on. Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves to be bullied. Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid who is bullying. Fighting back could get your child hurt, suspended, or expelled. Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents involved until all other options have been exhausted. It may make matters worse, if it is happening at school, or on the bus, school should be notified first. School or other officials can act as mediators between parents if that becomes necessary. Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Books:The Everything Parent’s Guide to Dealing with Bullies by Deborah CarpenterThe Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by Barbara ColorosoSpeak Up and Get Along!: Learn the Mighty Might, Thought Chop, and More Tools to Make Friends, Stop Teasing, and Feel Good About Yourself by Scott CooperThe Bully Free Classroom by Allan, L PhD10 Days to a Bully-Proof Child by SherryllKraizer Jenny Strom Fall 2012
Websites:www.stopbullying.gov/http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/self_esteem.htmlwww.healthypeople.govwww.aap.orgwww.samhsa.govwww.safeyouth.orgwww.actagainstviolence.apa.org (teach young children nonviolent problem solving) Videos:http://www.stopbullying.gov/videos/2010/09/what-is-bullying.htmlhttp://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/view/main.htmlhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaTOfFUd1qchttp://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/webisodes/yes-thats-bullying.htmlhttp://www.netsmartz.org/resources/reallife.htm Jenny Strom Fall 2012
262-241-5955 x264 Website: northshorecenterllc.comE-mail: Jenny.email@example.com Jenny Strom Fall 2012