Win win belief system


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A Learning Resource for students of Employee Relations and Negotiations

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Win win belief system

  1. 1. Win Win belief systemand conflict resolutionJayadeva de Silva* M.Sc, MBIM FIPM, FITDDirector/Principal consultant- Humantalents UnlimitedOur BeliefsI like to begin with an explanation of an extremely important concept- "Beliefs." I define "beliefs" as the truth, as YOU understand thetruth to be, regarding the way life is. But what does that mean? Truthis fact. It is neutral, without feeling. It may be good or may be bad,depending upon the people and situations involved, but mainly, itjust is. For example, the truth is that gravity works. Thats good whenkeeping you from floating thousands of feet into the air against yourwishes. On the other hand, thats rather bad when falling out of a six-story building. Fairly simple conclusions at which to arrive. Viewingmost interpersonal situations as good or bad, however, isnt all thateasy. What makes it even more difficult is that the honor of 1
  2. 2. determining the "goodness" or "badness" of any specific event orsituation falls to a very subjective part of ourselves known as our"Belief System.” Our basic belief system is formed at a very youngage. (A good example of a "belief system" is, when I say, "A veryyoung age," what are you thinking - three, four, eleven,fifteen?").Many psychiatrists state that age as four years!How Beliefs are formed & Effects of Beliefs Our belief system is first given to us by our family and then finelychiseled by our environment. Once formed, our basic beliefs areextremely difficult (though certainly not impossible) to changebecause they are carried primarily on an unconscious level. Here’s avery somber example: Someone grows up witnessing a very abusiverelationship between his or her parents. This abuse may have beenphysical, verbal, emotional, or any combination of the above.Needless to say, it was a "bad" situation to grow up in. I believe thatwould be "bad." You believe that would be "bad." And, in alllikelihood, the person who grew up in that environment believes, ona conscious level, that that situation was "bad." And yet, why does ithappen so often -certainly more often than not - that throughouttheir life, that person will go from one "bad" relationship to another?Because their Belief System says that is the "truth" regarding howrelationships are! Just as was mentioned earlier - a belief is the truth,as YOU understand the truth to be - regarding the way life is. On anunconscious level, that person will continually steer their way to the(their) truth, according to their belief system. Though they wontnecessarily seek out a partner to fit that belief/truth, they will oftensabotage the "good" relationships they find themselves in untilfinding the one that fits their belief system at this.Here is an example as a mini case study“Sunil was thinking about moving to a place close to Colombo andasked if a particular home a friend told him about over the phonewas close to Colombo. . .His friend Nimal said, "No, its pretty far 2
  3. 3. away." So Sunil told Nimal that he wasnt interested. When Sunil andhis wife arrived in Colombo from Hambantota they asked Nimal totake them to that home just to see it. When they arrived, Sunil said, "Ithought you told me it wasnt near the City"Nimal: It is, too….far!Sunil: No it isnt! Nimal: Yes, it is! Lets analyze this: The "truth" isthat home was ten miles from the City. Nimal living in Bambalapitiya,feels that ten miles is far away. Sunil, being from remoteHambantota, feels 10 miles from the City isnt too far away. Id saytheir miscommunication had "something" to do with their beliefsystems.Yes, they are still friends. Why did neither of them think to mentionthe exact number of miles?” Now, lets relate this whole thing back tothe subject of our discussion. The typical belief system when dealingwith a person from whom you want something is "For me to win,they need to lose." Or, "If I want a bigger piece of pie, I need to takehis or her slice."The WIN WIN belief system says, "For me to win, I need to alsohelp that person win, or at least feel good about the situation." And,"If I want a bigger slice of the cake, Ill get together with him or herand bake a bigger cake" . In other words, "Both people win." So letslook at an effective way to work with "Beliefs."First, when in confrontation with a person you may be findingdifficult to get along with, ask yourself four questions:#1 How is my personal belief system distorting the actual truth ofthe situation?#2 how is his or her personal belief system distorting the actual truthof the situation?#3 what questions can I ask this person that will clarify myunderstanding of their version of the truth (their belief system)?#4 what information can I give that will help them clarify theirunderstanding of my version of the truth (my belief system)? 3
  4. 4. As the saying goes, within conflict between two or more people,there are generally three truths - your truth, their truth, and the realtruth. Through questions, as well as a caring exchange ofinformation, the real truth can usually be discovered, generatingunderstanding, peace, and respect.This leads to results in alignmentwith the Win Win belief system in which "Both people win."*( This is a learning resource of students of negotiation .A production of HumantalentsInternational)Mr. Jayadeva de Silva obtained his Master’s degree in Science from Russian Friendship University, Moscow and Diploma in Personnelmanagement from National Institute of Business Management. A Fellow of both the Institute of Personnel Management and Institute ofTraining & development, he is also professionally qualified in training systems & curriculum design with an ILO fellowship. A strongadvocate of Human Talents Development, Mr. Jayadeva de Silva is the Principal consultant of humantalents Unlimited, a professionalpractice that provides holistic professional services in Training & Management Consultancy. Mr. de Silva who counts over 25 years ofexperience has carried out several management consultancy projects and has conducted numerous Training Programs/workshops. He hascontributed articles (over 30) and authored the trend setting book ‘Human Talents Management’ which introduced a new leadershiptheory. He founded “HRSriLanka: and “humantalents” International e Learning Groups. Mr. Jayadeva de Silva was previously the GroupManager (Human Resources Development) for Hayleys Group of Companies, a multi-billion-rupee public listed company and later becamethe Group Director–Human Resources of Brown & Co. also a large public listed company. He has lectured part-time in professional andpost graduate courses in HRM & HRD. He is currently serving as a consultant for Post graduate Institute of Agriculture, University ofPeradeniya.. Mr de Silva has conducted over 18 programmes for workplace cooperation project of SriLanka Telecom LimitedMr. Jayadeva de Silva can be contacted at:Tel: 94-1-2562449 or 077 7272295E mail 4