Bubba's Bitch & Other Fears: One Man's Story about Sexually Abusing Boys

1,957 views

Published on

The only time Joe felt loveable and worthy was when he was sexual with boys. Handsome and well-educated, he said once the abuse came out, he felt like a monster and feared becoming "Bubba's Bitch" in prison. Joe’s story shows the powerful meanings that sex with boys has for him. Joe needs deep, long-term therapy and should never again be alone with children. The same is true for almost all persons who have abused children sexually. While persons who molest children may be charming and presentable, we cannot be fooled. Our job is to protect children and to make sure that people like Joe have opportunities to show some backbone and deal with the issues that lead them to sexually abuse children. I interviewed Joe as part of a study whose purpose is to understand men who sexually abuse children and to use that information for the protection of children.

Finally, actions speak louder than words. What persons who have perpetrated say has little meaning until their actions over many years in many different situations show that maybe they do want to control their behaviors and maybe they actually do.

Published in: Health & Medicine
0 Comments
0 Likes
Statistics
Notes
  • Be the first to comment

  • Be the first to like this

No Downloads
Views
Total views
1,957
On SlideShare
0
From Embeds
0
Number of Embeds
3
Actions
Shares
0
Downloads
4
Comments
0
Likes
0
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

Bubba's Bitch & Other Fears: One Man's Story about Sexually Abusing Boys

  1. 1. Becoming Bubba’s Bitch & Other Fears: One Man’s Story about Sexually Abusing Boys By Jane Gilgun The only time Joe felt loveable and worthy was when he was sexual with boys. Handsomeand well-educated, he said once the abuse came out, he felt like a monster and feared becoming"Bubbas Bitch" in prison. Joe’s story shows the powerful meanings that sex with boys has forhim. Joe needs deep, long-term therapy and should never again be alone with children. Thesame is true for almost all persons who have abused children sexually. While persons whomolest children may be charming and presentable, we cannot be fooled. Our job is to protectchildren and to make sure that people like Joe have opportunities to show some backbone anddeal with the issues that lead them to sexually abuse children. I interviewed Joe as part of astudy whose purpose is to understand men who sexually abuse children and to use thatinformation for the protection of children. Finally, actions speak louder than words. What persons who have perpetrated say haslittle meaning until their actions over many years in many different situations show that maybethey do want to control their behaviors and maybe they actually do.About the Author Jane F Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a writer and professor, School of Social Work,University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. See Professor Gilgun’s other articles, books, &children’s stories on Kindle, iBooks, & scribd.com. I wrote this article in response to Bishop Robert Finn of Kansas City, Missouri USA,who in the year 2011 did nothing for five months after a computer technician gave himphotos of girls’ genitals that the technicians had found on a priest’s computer. I have toassume the bishop is a man of good will. He did not understand child sexual abuse. He gavethis priest unsupervised access to children for five months after he knew of the priest’ssexual interest in children. This article is an attempt to educate the bishop and others likehim.
  2. 2. Becoming Bubba’s Bitch& Other Fears: One Man’s Story about Sexually Abusing Boys Joe is 25 year-old college-educated man who sexually abused about 10 boys from thetime he was six years old. Handsome and athletic with many friends, Joe does not fit thestereotype of child molesters. In this story, he shares his experiences of the abuse he committed.He said sex with boys was the only time he felt good. He also said he suppressed any concernsabout his behaviors as wrong and hurtful. When a therapist reported the abuse to the sheriff, hefeared prison and becoming “Bubba’s bitch.” While Joe’s story is not unusual, it is important to know that many perpetrators of childsexual abuse do want to stop. They don’t want to stop because they enjoy it. Joe represents menwho abuse and who appear to want to stop. It’s not clear whether Joe really wanted to stop andwhether he really was glad that a therapist reported him. The only way to tell the difference between those who truly want to stop and those whodon’t is to observe their actions over time in many different situations. Any persons who trulywant to change require in-depth and long-term therapy. They have to wrestle with the issues thatplayed into their abusive behaviors, which they usually experience as uplifting pleasure and oftenlove. They have to experience the deep, seemingly endless inner burning associated with deepchange. They require incredible internal resources and many other people who understand andwho help them manage their behaviors. Persons who have perpetrated are always at risk to do it again, now matter how deep theburning and the change. Most persons who have perpetrated against children should never bealone with children again, especially perpetrators who are part of institutions such as religiousorganization. Joe’s Story in his Own Words Joe told his roommate Liz that he had been sexual with one of his sixth grade malestudents. He said he felt guilty and ashamed. Liz and Joe agreed they would not report the abuseto the police. Liz was so upset she contacted a therapist to talk things over. She didn’t realizethat the therapist had to report the abuse. That is the law. This is how Joe told the story once thetherapist contacted the sheriff. The county sheriffs office contacted me. They didn’t subpoena me. They didn’t arrestme. They called me up and asked me if I would be willing to come down to be interviewed. Italked to my therapist. He said, “Don’t tell them. I would advise you not to tell them anythingbecause you could end up going to jail and it could…” [Joe did not say how the therapist endedhis sentence.] I said, “I have to.” That was probably one of the last times I saw him. [Thistherapist had broken the law about reporting abuse.] After that I decided this is not, he’s nothelping me. So I went down and was interviewed by the sheriff. I told him everything. After thathappened, he looked at me and said, “You know had you come in here today and said nothingyou’d be a free man because the kid came in, and he denied everything.”
  3. 3. That, to me was the final nail, or the final dig in everything. It was like, this kid is soembarrassed that he couldn’t’ even talk about it. Here I’ve just blown his anonymity and hisdenial. Yet again I’ve hurt the kid. Ultimately I think, probably, it was, you know, it was obviously a good thing. It neededto happen. So I went through judicial system. I ended up incarcerated in the county jail withwork release two years after I got reported. Part of my stay of execution was successfulcompletion of the treatment program. The treatment program that somehow either was listed orended up being just the one they said, “Go here,” was an outpatient treatment program.Monster I hated everything about myself. I thought I was a monster. I knew, I didn’t think, I knewI was a monster. I knew that I was engaging in behaviors that I wanted to stop and couldn’t stop.That there was just no way because I kept saying, “I won’t do this again,” and I kept doing itagain. It was a constant, (3 sec) constant thoughts, constant, in my head, constant, first thing Ithink of when I wake up, last thing I think about before I go to sleep. It consumed me. I needed relief from that. Not even the fact of I’m hurting other people, and I feel bad andguilty about that. Just the constant lack of control on my own part, I needed relief from, first andforemost. I knew it was eventually going to get me in lots of trouble. There was the fact that I’m hurting people. This is wrong. I’m feeling guilty andembarrassed and ashamed for all these things, as well, but I think superseded by that was thewhole, just, I can’t, this is, this has complete control over me.Meanings of the Sexual Abuse The only place I found relief was in the act. The rest of the time I felt unworthy,unlovable, heinous. I mean, you know, when I could get a young male to be sexual with me, andnot even, we didn’t even have to get to that point, but when I was being shown affection from ayoung male, wrestling, hugs, doing things together, intimate, intimately. Then I felt loveable. Ifelt worthy. I felt all of these things that I didn’t feel the rest of my life. The ultimate act of that issex. There was sex. It was always leading to sex. Even if it never got there with every child with whom I interacted, it was always leadingthat way….[Question: How long did the good feelings last?] I want to say probably a week or so.It probably would’ve gotten shorter and shorter had I continued on. When I was 20 and molesting the twelve year old, it was weekly….That I could useeuphoric recall and things like that to keep the feelings going. With another boy, it was twotimes.What Parents Need to Know I think this is paramount for parents to know. Typically my pattern, and I think is true ofmany of us who sexually offend against children. Broken families are just, even if they’re notdivorced or separated, a family with internal trouble is noticeable from a mile away. A kid like
  4. 4. that just is a beacon because they need attention. They need affection. Even to this day, I couldwalk in the mall and probably point out and say, “That kid has trouble at home. That kid, thatkid, that kid.” I guarantee if you asked, I would be right nine out of nine times, probably. There’sjust something about those kids that they need. They’re not getting at home that a person who islooking to exploit that for their own needs, can identify. [Question: Did you think you were exploiting that kid?] Oh, God, no. I thought I wasbeing a friend. I was being a big brother. That’s how I framed it, not only to myself, but to thekid and to the kid’s family.[Question: So when you saw a kid who like that you were floodedwith empathy?] It was very easy to be, to feel that way because of my own unhappy childhood. It was easy to look at the kid and go, “Oh, you’re going through tough times. You justneed somebody there.” Like I wish I had had somebody there, not sexually maybe, but I wish Ihad had somebody there to care for me. Yeah, it was very easy to, to feel empathetic towards thechild for that reason.Sexual History I’ve been sexual since I was in kindergarten, always with other boys. I think my firstsexual experience may have been the little neighbor girl. I think, I mean, I remember sexual, notintercourse, but sexual behavior with her. I think she was probably the first sexual contact I had.She had older brothers. I’m sure she initiated, because I was the oldest in my family, and I wasthree years older than my younger sibling. I don’t know where I would’ve gotten it otherwise because I wasn’t abused or molestedor anything as a child that I recall. I’ve sought for that memory. I’m like, “Please, let this be theeasy answer,” and no, it’s not. So, after that experience, all of my others growing up were alwaysother boys. Until around the age of eleven, and my victims almost always were age eleven, andagain, to this day, at the mall, eleven, eleven, eleven. I’m never wrong…. For me, growing up,the only time I ever felt acceptable or good was when I was being sexual with other kids, withother boys. The boys that my father would’ve approved of as a son, because I wasn’t that son. The only time I felt worthy. The only time I felt acceptable or loveable was when I couldbe sexually intimate with somebody because that felt good. I became a sex addict at age five. Eventually it turned into sexually offending because asI got older the age of my fixation did not continue to mature with me. The only time I felt goodabout myself was when I was being sexual, and I sought out opportunities to do so….Had thingsgone differently, I probably, I would’ve continued to be a sex addict, I’m sure.Knew it was Wrong Based on my experiences in treatment and just other people and sex addicts anonymous, Iwould challenge anybody who said that they didn’t know that it was wrong or didn’t have theawareness that something was wrong. I don’t believe that. I had to suppress things all the time inorder to do what I did. Suppress the belief that I could get caught. Suppress the fact that I was
  5. 5. going, knowingly going to be doing something that could hurt somebody emotionally at a laterpoint. I just suppressed things all the time…. I thought it wasn’t a big deal. Another boy I acted out on… he was clearly not okay withit after it happened. It was a one time event. It was just touching. He got very nervous after ithappened and left very abruptly and then the next times that I would ever see him. We lived inthe same apartment complex. When I would see him he would, he was very fearful-facedtowards me. So it wasn’t as easy to keep the illusion that it’s not a big deal,Bubba’s Bitch In the quietest, darkest moments at night, when I was scared and alone, prison was what Iwas afraid of and, along with that, public humiliation, family name tarnished, all that goes withthat, ultimately, prison and being, if you’ll forgive this, Bubba’s bitch, becoming a victim, asexual victim, in prison….I was young and cute. [What else did you think would lose?] My freedom. (4 sec) And that was really about it,at that point. The, and I wasn’t even free then. [What about your sex life with boys?] I didn’t, I didn’t want to do that, either. I didn’twant to give it up. Part of me didn’t want to give it up. Part of me did, part of me didn’t. Discussion Joe’s story tells us a lot about persons who sexually abuse children. First, it is one of themost meaningful if not the most meaningful part of their lives. Second, Joe knew it was wrongand many others do, too, but the push thoughts of it being wrong out of their minds. Somepersons I have interviewed do not think it is wrong. Third, Joe claimed he chose children he believed were vulnerable. Many child molesterspride themselves on being able to pick a victim out of a crowd. What they don’t seem to realizethat any child is vulnerable when in the presence of persons who want to sexually abuse them.Children think they are supposed to obey adults and are afraid of what will happen to them ifthey don’t. On the other hand, it’s a good rule only to allow people you have known for years to bealone with your children. Often it is the behavior of perpetrators that are the signs of sexualabuse. They seek time alone with the children, they give them gifts, and the children don’t talk indetail about what they did with the people who abuse them. Furthermore, Joe’s story and manyof the other stories I’ve heard show how important it is for children to have a good sex educationand to have people in their lives whom they know they can trust and who will not over-reactwhen something is not right. Fourth, persons who abused children sexually require long-term, intensive therapy, oftenyears and then after that, for the rest of their lives, intensive support systems of persons whoknow them well and who are willing to help monitor their behavior and encourage them to takecare of any difficult emotions they may experience.
  6. 6. Fifth, most perpetrators, including clergy and teachers who abuse, must never again haveaccess to children. They must never again be alone with children. Finally, actions speak louder than words. In some ways, what persons who haveperpetrated say has little meaning until their actions over many years in many different situationsshow that maybe they have more desire to control their behaviors and maybe they actually do. References Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Child sexual abuse: From harsh realities to hope.http://www.scribd.com/doc/16484981/Child-Sexual-Abuse-From-Harsh-Realities-to-Hope or Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Evil feels good: Think before you act. On Scribd.com athttp://www.scribd.com/doc/38489251/Evil-Feels-Good-Think-Before-You-Act orhttp://www.amazon.com/Evil-Feels-Good-Before-ebook/dp/B004A8ZTZO/ref=sr_1_51?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313807552&sr=1-51 Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). It’s Time for the Roman Catholic Church to show the world whatpenitence is. http://www.scribd.com/doc/54787575/It-s-Time-for-the-Roman-Catholic-Church-to-Show-the-World-What-Penitence-is Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). Perfect: The bishop has no shame. On scribd.com athttp://www.scribd.com/doc/53136862/Perfect-The-Bishop-Has-no-Shame or on Amazon athttp://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Bishop-Violence-Change-ebook/dp/B004WT7FYY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1313839875&sr=1-1 Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). Remove priests immediately: What was the bishop thinking?http://www.scribd.com/doc/62719870/Remove-Offending-Priests-Immediately-What-Was-the-Bishop-Thinking Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Survivors of priest abuse told for 50 years: No one listened. Onscribd.com at http://www.scribd.com/doc/29020383/Survivors-of-Priest-Abuse-Told-for-50-Years-No-One-Listened or http://www.amazon.com/Survivors-Priest-Abuse-Years-ebook/dp/B003E7FWB8/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1313809506&sr=1-1 Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). What child sexual abuse means to abusers. On scribd. com athttp://www.scribd.com/doc/26614189/What-Child-Sexual-Abuse-Means-to-Abusers and atAmazon http://www.amazon.com/Child-Sexual-Abuse-Abusers-ebook/dp/B001W0Y5AI/ref=sr_1_15?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313807404&sr=1-15 Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). What makes the difference? The link between being abused andbeing abusive. http://www.scribd.com/doc/61858869/What-Makes-the-Difference-The-Link-Between-Being-Abused-Becoming-Abusive Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). What child sexual abuse means to child survivors. On scribd.comat http://www.scribd.com/doc/16422436/What-Child-Sexual-Abuse-Means-to-Child-Survivorsand Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Child-Sexual-Abuse-Survivors-ebook/dp/B0026ICOUI/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1313840547&sr=1-3
  7. 7. Goodstein, Laurie (2011). Bishop in Missouri waited months to report priest, stirringparishioners’ rage. New York Times, August 15, p. A11.

×