Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness Skills Imprint Training Center  9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001  Email: imprin...
Why learn to be more assertive? <ul><li>Helps you avoid: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Depression (helpless, hopeless) </li></ul><...
Why learn to be more assertive? <ul><li>“ The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the ...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>1.  Do you buy things you do not want because you are afraid to say no to the salesperson? </li...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>When you do not understand the meaning of a word, do you ask about it? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Ye...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you feel responsible when things go wrong, even if it is not your fault? </li></ul><ul><ul><...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you look directly at others when you talk to them? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Yes.  You don’t ove...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you often text or email someone about a conflict instead of talking to them face to face? </...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you feel intimidated by people in authority? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No.  You can be respectfu...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you generally have good posture? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Yes.  Good posture communicates a pos...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you often feel so angry you could scream? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No.  You can work to get you...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you know how to ask for help without feeling dependent? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Yes.  You can ...
Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>If someone cuts in front of you in line, do you usually tell them off? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No...
What keeps us from speaking up? Imprint Training Center  9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001  Email: imprintspdp@gma...
What is assertiveness? <ul><li>The middle ground between being a bully and a doormat </li></ul>Imprint Training Center  9-...
Assertiveness is… <ul><li>Being direct and appropriately expressive </li></ul><ul><li>Standing up for yourself:  stating y...
Assertiveness is NOT… <ul><li>A guaranteed way to win every argument </li></ul><ul><li>A guaranteed way to get what you wa...
Aggression is… <ul><li>Standing up for yourself but violating the rights of someone else. </li></ul><ul><li>Attacking the ...
Non-assertive/Passive behavior is… <ul><li>Failing to stand up for yourself </li></ul><ul><li>Avoiding the problem </li></...
Getting Ready to be Assertive <ul><li>Thoughts and feelings are not right or wrong </li></ul><ul><li>FACTS are correct or ...
3  parts to assertive communication <ul><li>1 .  empathy/validation :  “I know you’re stressed by trying to be on time…” <...
How to be effectively assertive… <ul><li>Use assertive body language </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Face the other person, stand or...
How to… <ul><li>“ I statements” </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Take responsibility for your own feelings </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li...
“ You” statements <ul><li>Often means you are volunteering to be a victim, or blaming someone else </li></ul><ul><li>Blame...
Use facts, not judgments: <ul><ul><li>“ Did you know that your shirt has some spots on it?”   </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li> ...
Own your thoughts and feelings <ul><li>“ I get angry when he breaks his promises.” </li></ul><ul><li>  not </li></ul><ul><...
Focus <ul><li>Focus on specific behavior, not generalities </li></ul><ul><ul><li>specific:   “I was frustrated when you di...
Make clear requests <ul><li>“ Would you be willing to…” </li></ul><ul><li>“ Will you please…” </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t coun...
Not Assertive: <ul><li>Generalizing: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ You’re just being mean.” </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Presenting so...
Making Requests <ul><li>What would you like to be different? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ I was frustrated when you didn’t answ...
For difficult situations, try… <ul><li>Broken record:   keep repeating your point in a low level, pleasant voice </li></ul...
Challenges and limits <ul><li>“ I told someone how I felt and it didn’t do any good” </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Assertiveness i...
To get started… <ul><li>Start with small, less important issues </li></ul><ul><li>Start with people you don’t know:  sales...
Remember… <ul><li>It’s  a conversation,  NOT a monologue </li></ul><ul><li>AVOID attempting to be assertive by texting, em...
The good news… <ul><li>Once you get more used to being assertive, you will feel more effective in general </li></ul><ul><l...
Let’s practice a little… <ul><li>Think of a current situation in your life that has been bothering you…just a minor annoya...
Your Rights: <ul><li>You have the right to: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Express feelings in ways that do not violate the dignity...
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Finding your voice assertive skills

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  • When returning something to a store: “I decided I don’t need this and I’d like my money back” Fogging: “that skirt is awfully short, don’t you think you should wear longer skirts?” “You’re right, skirts are longer now…” “ you’re getting off the point now, and I’m starting to feel frustrated”
  • Finding your voice assertive skills

    1. 1. Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness Skills Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    2. 2. Why learn to be more assertive? <ul><li>Helps you avoid: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Depression (helpless, hopeless) </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Resentment </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Frustration </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Temper/violence </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Anxiety, which leads to avoidance </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Physical issues (headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, etc.) </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Poor relationships </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    3. 3. Why learn to be more assertive? <ul><li>“ The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” ~Anthony Robbins </li></ul><ul><li>“ Relationships slowly disintegrate, one failed or missing conversation at a time.” ~Susan Scott </li></ul><ul><li>“… the meek do not inherit the Earth, they serve those who are self-confident and self-assertive.” </li></ul><ul><li> ~Dean Koontz </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    4. 4. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>1. Do you buy things you do not want because you are afraid to say no to the salesperson? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No. You know that you have a right to say no and to make choices. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    5. 5. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>When you do not understand the meaning of a word, do you ask about it? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Yes. You take responsibility for getting your needs met. Fear of seeming ignorant does not prevent you from asking questions. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    6. 6. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you feel responsible when things go wrong, even if it is not your fault? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No. You take responsibility your own behavior, but not for things beyond your control. To feel responsible for things that are out of your control leads to unnecessary guilt. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    7. 7. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you look directly at others when you talk to them? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Yes. You don’t over-do it, but eye contact is assertive and suggests sincerity, self-confidence and the expectation that others will listen. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    8. 8. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you often text or email someone about a conflict instead of talking to them face to face? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No. You can have a face to face conversation about an issue, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    9. 9. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you feel intimidated by people in authority? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No. You can be respectful without allowing status to intimidate you. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    10. 10. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you generally have good posture? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Yes. Good posture communicates a positive self-image. (When posture is limited by a disability, good eye contact and facial expression can be used to express a positive self-image.) </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    11. 11. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you often feel so angry you could scream? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No. You can work to get your needs met and not let situations build to the point of crisis. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    12. 12. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>Do you know how to ask for help without feeling dependent? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Yes. You can ask for help without feeling dependent because you maintain a strong sense of self-worth and self-respect. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    13. 13. Assertiveness Quiz <ul><li>If someone cuts in front of you in line, do you usually tell them off? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>No. Telling someone off is an angry, aggressive response. You know you can speak up and say you are next and ask the person to move to the end of the line. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    14. 14. What keeps us from speaking up? Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    15. 15. What is assertiveness? <ul><li>The middle ground between being a bully and a doormat </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    16. 16. Assertiveness is… <ul><li>Being direct and appropriately expressive </li></ul><ul><li>Standing up for yourself: stating your opinions, feelings and thoughts without blaming the other person </li></ul><ul><li>Respectful: of others’ opinions, feelings and thoughts </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    17. 17. Assertiveness is NOT… <ul><li>A guaranteed way to win every argument </li></ul><ul><li>A guaranteed way to get what you want </li></ul><ul><li>A way to get others to feel like you feel or think like you think </li></ul><ul><li>Telling everybody everything all the time </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    18. 18. Aggression is… <ul><li>Standing up for yourself but violating the rights of someone else. </li></ul><ul><li>Attacking the person instead of the problem </li></ul><ul><li>Likely to establish a pattern of fear and avoidance of the aggressor </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    19. 19. Non-assertive/Passive behavior is… <ul><li>Failing to stand up for yourself </li></ul><ul><li>Avoiding the problem </li></ul><ul><li>Likely to establish a pattern of others taking advantage of you </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    20. 20. Getting Ready to be Assertive <ul><li>Thoughts and feelings are not right or wrong </li></ul><ul><li>FACTS are correct or incorrect, but thoughts are just thoughts </li></ul><ul><li>Feelings are not logical, so are not right or wrong </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    21. 21. 3 parts to assertive communication <ul><li>1 . empathy/validation : “I know you’re stressed by trying to be on time…” </li></ul><ul><li>2. statement of problem: “but when you follow me around I get flustered…” </li></ul><ul><li>3. request: “ from now on can we agree what time we need to leave by and if you’re ready first, give me some space…?” </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    22. 22. How to be effectively assertive… <ul><li>Use assertive body language </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Face the other person, stand or sit straight </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Pleasant, serious facial expression </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Voice calm and soft, not whiny </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    23. 23. How to… <ul><li>“ I statements” </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Take responsibility for your own feelings </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Removes right and wrong from the conversation </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Avoid “you make me feel…” statements </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Gives over control to others </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Blames others for what is going on inside you </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    24. 24. “ You” statements <ul><li>Often means you are volunteering to be a victim, or blaming someone else </li></ul><ul><li>Blame often leads to arguing about who’s thoughts and feelings are right </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Your feelings are neither right nor wrong </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Other’s feelings are neither right nor wrong </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    25. 25. Use facts, not judgments: <ul><ul><li>“ Did you know that your shirt has some spots on it?” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li> not </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>“ You’re not going out like that, are you?” </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    26. 26. Own your thoughts and feelings <ul><li>“ I get angry when he breaks his promises.” </li></ul><ul><li> not </li></ul><ul><li>“ He makes me so angry.” </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    27. 27. Focus <ul><li>Focus on specific behavior, not generalities </li></ul><ul><ul><li>specific: “I was frustrated when you didn’t return my text” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>general: “You’re so irresponsible, it really makes me mad.” </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    28. 28. Make clear requests <ul><li>“ Would you be willing to…” </li></ul><ul><li>“ Will you please…” </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t count on: </li></ul><ul><li>“ Why don’t you…” </li></ul><ul><li>“ Would you mind…” </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    29. 29. Not Assertive: <ul><li>Generalizing: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ You’re just being mean.” </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Presenting something as fact: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ This is just the way it’s done” or “You’re wrong to feel that.” </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Attempting to coerce: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ If you don’t do it my way…” </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    30. 30. Making Requests <ul><li>What would you like to be different? </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ I was frustrated when you didn’t answer my text. I would really appreciate it if you would get back to me quicker.” </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    31. 31. For difficult situations, try… <ul><li>Broken record: keep repeating your point in a low level, pleasant voice </li></ul><ul><li>Fogging: deflect negative, manipulative criticism by agreeing with the fact, but retain the right to change your behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Content to process shift: stop talking about the problem and bring up a problem behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Defusing: let them cool down before discussing further </li></ul><ul><li>Summarization: you check out if you are understanding the other person </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    32. 32. Challenges and limits <ul><li>“ I told someone how I felt and it didn’t do any good” </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Assertiveness is not a guarantee that someone will chose to change </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>It may be challenging at first because it is breaking old rules </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    33. 33. To get started… <ul><li>Start with small, less important issues </li></ul><ul><li>Start with people you don’t know: sales clerks, phone solicitors, etc. </li></ul><ul><li>THEN, practice with people you know and have relationships with </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    34. 34. Remember… <ul><li>It’s a conversation, NOT a monologue </li></ul><ul><li>AVOID attempting to be assertive by texting, emailing, etc. </li></ul><ul><ul><li>These are NOT conversations, they are declarations. Often an attempt to get control while avoiding the tough conversation. </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    35. 35. The good news… <ul><li>Once you get more used to being assertive, you will feel more effective in general </li></ul><ul><li>Once you have some successes you will feel more confident </li></ul><ul><li>Assertiveness can become a habit, so requires little thought after a while </li></ul><ul><li>Once you are more assertive, you probably will not need to use the techniques that much </li></ul><ul><li>When you respect yourself, others will too </li></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    36. 36. Let’s practice a little… <ul><li>Think of a current situation in your life that has been bothering you…just a minor annoyance </li></ul><ul><li>Write down how you would like to approach the person. </li></ul><ul><li>Remember the 3 parts: </li></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>1. Empathy/validation </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>2. Statement of problem </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>3. Request </li></ul></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com
    37. 37. Your Rights: <ul><li>You have the right to: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Express feelings in ways that do not violate the dignity of others </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Change your mind </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Make mistakes (and take responsibility) </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Express positive feelings toward others </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Be non-assertive in chosen situations </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Say “no” without guilt </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Be angry when mistreated </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Get what you pay for/not be cheated </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Make your own decisions and live your life as you choose </li></ul></ul>Imprint Training Center 9- Lal Niwas, Sardarpura, Udaipur- 313001 Email: imprintspdp@gmail.com

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