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  • 1. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates      DESIGN  FOR  RLO  4:    Revising  &  Editing   No.   Section   Content  details  I.    Overview   1   Introduction   Revision  is  important  to  produce  a  good  piece  of  paper.  In  this  stage,  you  have  to  ensure  your  content  and  organization.     It  means  you  need  to  check  on  the  transition  signals,  rearrange,  add,  change  or  delete  your  ideas  if  necessary  to  make   your  essay  more  interesting.     So,  this  lesson  is  necessary  to  guide  the  learners  in  organizing  and  reconstructing  the  overall  content  of  a  paragraph   through  the  use  of  parallelism,  consistent  point  of  view,  active  verbs,  specific  and  concise  words  as  well  as  a  variety  of   their  own  sentences.     2   Learning   At  the  end  of  this  lesson,  learners  will  be  able  to:   Objectives   § Apply  parallelism  in  sentences     § Apply  a  consistent  point  of  view  in  sentences   § Apply  appropriate  active  verbs  in  sentences   § Apply  concise  words  in  sentences       3   Pre-­‐requisite   Learners  are  expected  to  be  able  to  write  English  sentences  and  paragraph     4   Outline   Parallelism   This  section  will  cover  the  definition  of  parallelism  as  well  as  the  rules  of  using  parallelism  in  sentences.  Parallelism   means  the  use  of  some  pattern  of  words  or  structure  in  a  pair  to  show  that  two  or  more  ideas  have  the  same  level  of   importance.  This  includes  word,  phrase  or  clause  level.  In  this  section,  learners  will  be  presented  with  several  examples   on  how  they  can  apply  parallelism  in  sentences.  At  the  end  of  this  topic,  learners  should  be  able  to  apply  parallelism  in  a   sentence  based  on  the  given  examples.  There  will  be  an  activity  provided  for  learners  to  assess  their  understanding  of   the  use  of  parallelism  in  sentences  whereby  they  need  to  identify  the  correct  parallel  structure  for  the  given  sentences.         Page 1 of 27
  • 2. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates Consistent  Point  of  View   Consistent  point  of  view  refers  to  the  focus  that  a  writer  assumes  in  relation  of  his  or  her  subject.  This  includes  verbs,   pronouns,  number  and  tone.  Learners  should  maintain  a  consistent  point  of  view  to  create  a  coherent  paragraph.  For   example,  readers  tend  to  be  confused  if  we  change  from  past  tense  to  present  tense  in  our  essay  unless  we  provide   flashbacks  along  the  lines.  This  section  will  cover  the  definition  of  point  of  view  as  well  as  several  examples  on  how  the   learners  should  apply  a  consistent  point  of  view  in  a  sentence.  At  the  end  of  this  topic,  learners  should  be  able  to  apply  a   consistent  point  of  view  in  sentences.  There  will  be  an  activity  provided  for  learners  to  assess  their  understanding  of  the   appropriate  use  of  various  points  of  view  in  sentences.  They  need  to  rewrite  sentences  to  eliminate  any  mixed  point  of   view  for  the  given  sentences.     Active  Verbs   In  easy  writing,  active  verbs  are  more  effective  than  passive  verbs.  Active  verbs  create  energy  to  our  essay  since  active   verbs  consist  of  simple  and  straightforward  sentences.  At  the  end  of  this  topic,  learners  should  be  able  to  apply   appropriate  active  verbs  in  sentences.  In  this  section,  the  following  subtopics  will  be  covered:     • Definition  of  Active  Verbs   • How  to  Recognize  Active  and  Passive  Sentences   • Differences  between  Passive  Voice  and  Past  Tense   • Imperative  –  Active  Commands   • Sloppy  Passive  Constructions   • Linking  Verbs  –  Neither  Active  Nor  Passive   • The  Passive  Voice  is  Not  Wrong   • Tricky  Examples     At  the  end  of  this  section,  there  will  be  an  activity  provided  for  learners  to  assess  their  understanding  of  the  appropriate   use  of  active  verbs  in  a  sentence.  They  have  to  rewrite  the  given  passive  sentences  into  active  sentences  using   appropriate  active  verbs.             Page 2 of 27
  • 3. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates Concise  Words   We  should  use  appropriate  and  concise  words  to  express  the  idea  of  our  essay  so  that  our  readers  will  continue  to  read   our  paper.  Therefore,  we  should  not  use  more  words  than  necessary  to  express  the  meaning.  At  the  end  of  this  topic,   learners  should  be  able  to  apply  appropriate  concise  words  in  sentences.  In  this  section,  the  following  subtopics  will  be   covered:     • Pruning  the  Redundant   • Reducing  Clauses  to  Phrases,  Phrases  to  Single  Words   • Intensifiers  that  Dont  Intensify   • Avoiding  Expletive  Constructions   • Phrases  You  Can  Omit   • Eliminating  Clichés  and  Euphemisms     At  the  end  of  this  section,  there  will  be  an  activity  provided  for  learners  to  practice  the  appropriate  use  of  concise  words   in  a  sentence.  They  have  to  rewrite  the  given  sentences  to  achieve  a  more  concise  statement.    II.    Summary   1   Review   In  this  lesson,  the  learners  will  be  taught  on  how  to  organize  the  overall  content  through  the  application  of  parallelism,   consistent  point  of  view  sentences,  active  verbs,  specific  and  concise  words  in  sentences.   Apart  from  that,  this  lesson  also  includes  several  assessment  activities  to  assess  the  understanding  of  the  learners  on  the   five  strategies  in  revising  the  sentences  effectively.         2   Additional   None   Resources    III.    Assessment   1   Pre-­‐RLO       2   Post-­‐RLO     Page 3 of 27
  • 4. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates  DESIGN  FOR  RIO  1:    Parallelism  No.   Section   Content  details   Glossary  I.    Content  Item   1   Introduction   At  the  end  of  this  topic,  learners  should  be  able  to  apply  parallelism  in  sentences.        2   Learning   OUTLINE  1:  DEFINITION  OF  PARALLELISM   .     Information             The  balance  between  two  or  more  similar  words,  phrases  or  clauses  is  called  parallelism  in  grammar.  Parallelism  is         also  called  parallel  structure  or  parallel  construction.  Parallel  construction  prevents  awkwardness,  promotes         clarity  and  improves  writing  style  and  readability.                 Examples:         a. Nancy  likes  playing  the  piano,  the  trumpet  and  play  the  guitar.  [non-­‐parallel]         Nancy  likes  the  piano,  the  trumpet  and  the  guitar.  [parallel]         Nancy  likes  playing  the  piano,  the  trumpet  and  the  guitar.  [parallel]                 b. She  played  basketball,  had  a  shower  and  gone  to  school.  [non-­‐parallel]         She  played  basketball,  had  a  shower  and  went  to  school.  [parallel]                 c. You  can  apply  to  the  job  by  filling  this  form  or  apply  by  telephone.  [non-­‐parallel]         You  can  apply  to  the  job  by  filling  this  form  or  you  can  apply  by  telephone.  [parallel]                                                                               Page 4 of 27
  • 5. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates     OUTLINE  2:  RULES  OF  PARALLELISM                 1. Parallelism  is  used  to  balance  nouns  with  nouns,  prepositional  phrases  with  prepositional  phrases,  participles       with  participles,  infinitives  with  infinitives,  clauses  with  clauses.             2. Parallelism  is  used  with  elements  joined  by  coordinating  conjunctions.       My  mother  likes  cooking  and  to  read.  [NON-­‐PARALLEL]     My  mother  likes  cooking  and  reading  [PARALLEL]         3. Parallelism  is  used  with  elements  in  lists  or  in  a  series.   This  task  can  be  done  individually,  in  pairs,  or  can  be  done  in  groups  of  four.  [NON-­‐PARALLEL]   This  task  can  be  done  individually,  in  pairs,  or  in  groups  of  four.  [PARALLEL]     4. Parallelism  is  used  with  elements  being  compared.     She  is  mad  about  watching  TV  more  than  to  read  a  book.  [NON-­‐PARALLEL]   She  is  mad  about  watching  TV  more  than  reading  a  book.  [PARALLEL]     5. Parallelism  is  used  with  elements  joined  by  a  linking  verb  or  a  form  of  be   To  learn  is  understanding  the  world.  [NON-­‐PARALLEL]   To  learn  is  to  understand  the  world.  [PARALLEL]     6. Parallelism  is  used  with  elements  joined  by  linking  words.   The  teacher  not  only  wants  his  students  to  keep  quiet  but  also  to  do  the  task.  [NON-­‐PARALLEL]   The  teacher  wants  his  students  not  only  to  keep  quiet  but  also  to  do  the  task.  [PARALLEL]                 Page 5 of 27
  • 6. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team matesII.    Practice/Interactive  Activity     1   Practice/Activity   ACTIVITY  ON  PARALLELISM     Items     In  this  topic,  learner  will  do  the  exercise  on  the  use  of  parallelism  and  click  on  the  button  to  check  the  answers.                             Page 6 of 27
  • 7. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team matesDESIGN  FOR  RIO  2:    Consistent  Point  of  View  No.   Section   Content  details   Glossary  I.    Content  Item   1   Introduction   At  the  end  of  this  topic,  learners  should  be  able  to  apply  a  consistent  point  of  view  in  the  sentences.     2   Learning   OUTLINE  1:  DEFINITION  OF  POINT  OF  VIEW     Information     and  Activity   Point  of  view  refers  to  the  perspective  from  which  the  sentence  is  told.  When  we  discuss  point  of   view,  we  use  a  term  called  “person,”  meaning  “who  (or  what)  is  the  focus  of  the  sentence.”       There  are  three  points  of  view:  first  person,  second  person,  and  third  person.     1. First  person  refers  to  the  narrator  being  referred  to  as  I;     2. Second  person  is  you  or  one  (this  isn’t  used  for  narration);     3. Third  person  is  he,  she,  it  or  they.     The  most  common  mistakes  of  this  type  involve  using  you  when  another  point  of  view  is  required.     a. If  one  wants  to  improve  oneself,  you  should  make  improvements  to  your  body,  mind,  and  soul.   If  one  wants  to  improve  oneself,  one  should  make  improvements  to  one’s  body,  mind,  and  soul.     b. Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  young  girl  named  Cathy,  and  I  liked  to  write  stories.   Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  young  girl  named  Cathy,  and  she  liked  to  write  stories.     c. The  panda  bear  sat  in  the  corner  of  the  cage,  and  they  ate  the  bamboo  leaves  listlessly.   The  panda  bear  sat  in  the  corner  of  the  cage,  and  he  ate  the  bamboo  leaves  listlessly.     Personal  and  impersonal  points  of  view  should  also  be  considered.  Formal  writing  insists  on  use  of   the  third  person,  which  means  there  shouldn’t  be  any  I’s  in  the  writing.  Be  sure  to  keep  formal  or   academic  writing  impersonal.     d. I  did  an  informal  experiment  to  explore  the  effects  of  sodium  chloride  on  stone.   The  author  did  an  informal  experiment  to  explore  the  effects  of  sodium  on  stone.   An  informal  experiment  was  conducted  to  explore  the  effects  of  sodium  on  stone.   Page 7 of 27
  • 8. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team matesII.    Practice/Interactive  Activity     1   Practice/Activit ACTIVITY  ON  CONSISTENT  POINT  OF  VIEW     y  Items     In  this  topic,  learner  will  do  the  exercise  on  the  use  of  consistent  point  of  view.     Rewrite  each  sentence  to  eliminate  any  mixed  point  of  view.     1.  The  author  suggests  that  the  truth  is  sometimes  painful,  but  telling  the  truth  is  better  than  living  a   life  being  someone  you  are  not.             2.  When  Margo  married  a  widower  her  life  became  complicated  because  you  can’t  help  but  feel   jealous  about  a  deceased  wife.     Page 8 of 27
  • 9. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates   3.  Although  it  may  be  painful  for  a  parent  not  to  be  your  child’s  role  model,  Patrice  Grant  doesn’t   have  the  right  to  be  angry  with  her  son’s  choice.     4.  As  the  soldiers  marched  away  from  the  battleground,  you  felt  as  if  the  war  may  finally  be  over.       5.  A  softball  player  who  wants  to  develop  her  pitching  form  knows  you  will  develop  more  skills  at  a   sleep  away  camp.   Page 9 of 27
  • 10. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates     6.  Students  underestimate  the  amount  of  time  required  to  study  nursing  because  you  simply  cannot   pass  your  tests  without  extensive  study  and  practical  experience.       7. Regardless  of  how  much  teachers  try,  you  cannot  make  sure  that  students  attend  every  class.                         Page 10 of 27
  • 11. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates 8. When  I  ran,  you  would  get  cramps.                      DESIGN  FOR  RIO  3:    Active  Verbs   No.   Section   Content  details   Glossary  I.    Content  Item   1   Introduction   At  the  end  of  this  topic,  learners  should  be  able  to  apply  appropriate  active  verbs  in  sentences.       Page 11 of 27
  • 12. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates 2   Learning   OUTLINE  1:  DEFINITION  OF  ACTIVE  VERBS       Information  and       Activity   Active  verbs  form  more  efficient  and  more  powerful  sentences  than  passive  verbs.       • The  subject  of  an  active  voice  sentence  performs  the  action  of  the  verb:    “I  throw  the  ball.”     • The  subject  of  a  passive  voice  sentence  is  still  the  main  character  of  the  sentence,  but  something  else     performs  the  action:  “The  ball  is  thrown  by  me.”         OUTLINE  2:  HOW  TO  RECOGNIZE  ACTIVE  AND  PASSIVE  SENTENCES         1. Find  the  subject  (the  main  character  of  the  sentence).     2. Find  the  main  verb  (the  action  that  the  sentence  identifies).     3. Examine  the  relationship  between  the  subject  and  main  verb.     • Does  the  subject  perform  the  action  of  the  main  verb?  (If  so,  the  sentence  is  active.)     • Does  the  subject  sit  there  while  something  else  —  named  or  unnamed  –perform  an  action     on  it?       (If  so,  the  sentence  is  passive.)     • If  the  main  verb  is  a  linking  verb  (“is,”  “was,”  “are,”  “seems  (to  be),”  “becomes”  etc.),  then     the  verb  functions  like  an  equals  sign;  there  is  no  action  involved  —  it  merely  describes  a  state     of  being.         Example  :    The  sentence  is  active.     “I  love  you.”   1. subject:  “I”   2. action:  “loving”   3. relationship:  The  subject  (“I”)  is  the  one  performing  the  action  (“loving”).     Example:  This  sentence  is  passive.   “You  are  loved  by  me.”   1. subject:  “you”   2. action:  “loving”   3. relationship:  The  subject  (“You”)  sits  passively  while  the  action  (“loving”)  is  performed  by   somebody  else  (“me”).   Page 12 of 27
  • 13. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates OUTLINE  3:  DIFFERENCES  BETWEEN  PASSIVE  VOICE  AND  PAST  TENSE   Many  people  confuse  the  passive  voice  with  the  past  tense.  The  most  common  passive  constructions  also   happen  to  be  past  tense  (e.g.  “I’ve  been  framed”),  but  “voice”  has  to  do  with  who,  while  “tense”  has  to  do   with  when.       Active  Voice   Passive  Voice   I  was  (have  been)  taught  [by  someone];   Past  Tense   I  taught;  I  learned.   It  was  (has  been)  learned  [by  someone].   I  am  [being]  taught  [by  someone];   Present  Tense   I  teach;  I  learn.   It  is  [being]  learned  [by  someone].   I  will  be  taught  [by  someone];   Future  Tense   I  will  teach;  I  will  learn.   It  will  be  learned  [by  someone].     OUTLINE  4:  IMPERATIVE  –  ACTIVE  COMMANDS       A  command  (or  “imperative”)  is  a  kind  of  active  sentence,  in  which  “you”  (the  one  being  addressed)  are   being  ordered  to  perform  the  action.  (If  you  refuse  to  obey,  the  sentence  is  still  active.)   • Get  to  work  on  time.   • Insert  tab  A  into  slot  B.   • Take  me  to  your  leader.   • Ladies  and  gentlemen,  let  us  consider,  for  a  moment,  the  effect  of  the  rafting  sequences  on  our   understanding  of  the  rest  of  the  novel.     OUTLINE  5:  SLOPPY  PASSIVE  CONSTRUCTIONS           Because  passive  sentences  do  not  need  to  identify  the  performer  of  an  action,  they  can  lead  to  sloppy  or   misleading  statements  (especially  in  technical  writing).  Compare  how  clear  and  direct  these  passive   sentences  become,  when  they  are  rephrased  as  imperative  sentences.   Page 13 of 27
  • 14. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates To  drain  the  tank,  the  grill  should  be  removed,  or  the  storage  compartment  can  be  flooded.   Because  they  do  not  specify  the  actors,  the  passive  verbs  (“should  be  removed”  and  “can  be  flooded”)   contribute  to  the  confusing  structure  of  this  sentence.  Does  the  sentence   1)  offer  two  different  ways  to  drain  the  tank  (“you  may  either  remove  the  grill  or  flood  the   compartment”)?   …or  does  it   2)  warn  of  an  undesirable  causal  result  (“if  you  drain  the  tank  without  removing  the  grill,  the  result  will  be   that  the  storage  compartment  is  flooded”)?   Revision  1:  Drain  the  tank  in  one  of  the  following  ways:   • remove  the  grill   • flood  the  storage  compartment   Revision  2:    1)  Remove  the  grill.                                            2)  Drain  the  tank.     Warning:  If  you  fail  to  remove  the  grill  first,  you  may  flood  the  storage  compartment  (which  is  where  you   are  standing  right  now).     OUTLINE  6:  LINKING  VERBS  –  NEITHER  ACTIVE  NOR  PASSIVE         When  the  verb  performs  the  function  of  an  equals  sign,  the  verb  is  said  to  be  a  linking  verb.  Linking  verbs   describe  no  action  —  they  merely  state  an  existing  condition  or  relationship;  hence,  they  are  neither   Page 14 of 27
  • 15. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates passive  nor  active.     Subject   =   Description   The  door   is   blue.   The  door   was   closed.   This   could  be   the  first  day  of  the  rest  of  my  life.   She   might  have  been   very  nice.       OUTLINE  7:  THE  PASSIVE  VOICE  IS  NOT  WRONG         Passive  verbs  are  not  automatically  wrong.  When  used  rarely  and  deliberately,  the  passive  voice  serves  an   important  purpose.   • When  you  wish  to  downplay  the  action:   Mistakes  will  be  made,  and  lives  will  be  lost;  the  sad  truth  is  learned  anew  by  each  generation.     • When  you  wish  to  downplay  the  actor:   Three  grams  of  reagent  ‘A’  were  added  to  a  beaker  of  10%  saline  solution.   (In  the  scientific  world,  the  actions  of  a  researcher  are  ideally  not  supposed  to  affect  the  outcome   of  an  experiment;  the  experiment  is  supposed  to  be  the  same  no  matter  who  carries  it  out.  I  will   leave  it  to  you  and  your  chemistry  professor  to  figure  out  whether  that’s  actually  true,  but  in  the   meantime,  don’t  use  excessive  passive  verbs  simply  to  avoid  using  “I”  in  a  science  paper.)     • When  the  actor  is  unknown:     The  victim  was  approached  from  behind  and  hit  over  the  head  with  a  salami.       OUTLINE  8:  TRICKY  EXAMPLES     Punctuality  seems  important.   Page 15 of 27
  • 16. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates 1. subject:  the  phrase  “punctuality”   2. action:  “being”  (“seems”  is  short  for  “seems  to  be”)   3. relationship:  The  subject  does  nothing  at  all;  the  verb  “is”  functions  as  an  equals   sign:“punctuality  =  important”.                      This  sentence  describes  a  state  of  being  (neither  active  nor  passive).     (If  you  replace  the  single  word  “punctuality”  with  the  phrase  “Getting  to  work  on  time”  or     “The  sum  total  of  the  knowledge  of  tribes  of  prehistoric  America  collected  by  amateur  archeologists   during  the  latter  half  of  the  nineteenth  century,”  the  grammar  of  the  sentence  does  not  change.)                      Remember  to  brush  your  teeth.     1. subject:  (You)  This  is  an  order;  the  subject  is  the  person  being  ordered.   2. action:  “remember”  (not  “brushing”)   3. relationship:  The  subject  is  supposed  to  do  the  remembering.  Whether  the  subject  actually                                                                      obeys  the  command  is  irrelevant  to  the  grammar  of  the  sentence.     This  sentence  gives  an  order.  Active.     (It  may  be  grammatically  possible  to  give  an  order  with  a  passive  verb,  such  as  a  Shakespearean  curse   like  “Be  damned!”  But  most  commands  you  encounter  will  be  active.)            II.    Practice/Interactive  Activity     Page 16 of 27
  • 17. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates 1   Practice/Activity   ACTIVITY  ON  ACTIVE  VERBS     Items     In  this  topic,  learner  will  do  the  exercise  on  the  use  of  active  verbs.     Rewrite  the  following  sentences  in  the  text-­‐areas  provided  so  that  passive  constructions  have  been   changed  to  active  verbs.  WARNING!  Some  of  these  sentences  do  not  use  passive  verbs  or  are  better   off  left  in  the  passive,  so  this  exercise  will  also  engage  your  attention  in  recognizing  passive   constructions  and  in  using  them  when  appropriate.     When  you  are  finished  with  each  sentence  (or,  if  you  wish,  wait  until  youve  done  them  all),  click  on   Grammars  Version,  which  will  reveal  how  we  might  have  rewritten  the  sentence  (when  appropriate)   to  achieve  a  more  vigorous  and  concise  statement.  (You  might  notice,  too,  that  changing  from  a   passive  to  an  active  construction  does  not  always  improve  a  sentence!)           Page 17 of 27
  • 18. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates            DESIGN  FOR  RIO  4:    Concise  Words   No.   Section   Content  details   Glossary  I.    Content  Item   1   Introduction   At  the  end  of  this  topic,  learners  should  be  able  to  apply  appropriate  concise  words  in  sentences.     2   Learning   OUTLINE  1:  PRUNING  THE  REDUNDANT       Information       and  Activity   Avoid  saying  the  same  thing  twice.     • Many  uneducated  citizens  who  have  never  attended  school  continue  to  vote  for  better  schools.   Page 18 of 27
  • 19. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates       A  phrase  that  repeats  itself—like  "true  fact,"  "twelve  noon,"  "I  saw  it  with  my  own  eyes"—is  sometimes  called  a     pleonasm.  Redundant  phrases  are  bad  habits  just  waiting  to  take  control  of  your  writing.  Beware  of  the  following.         Redundancy   The  Lean  Version     12  midnight   midnight     12  noon   noon     3  am  in  the  morning   3  am     absolutely  spectacular/phenomenal   spectacular/phenomenal     a  person  who  is  honest   an  honest  person     a  total  of  14  birds   14  birds       biography  of  her  life   biography     circle  around   circle     close  proximity   proximity     completely  unanimous   unanimous     consensus  of  opinion   consensus     cooperate  together   cooperate   each  and  every   each   enclosed  herewith   enclosed   end  result   result   exactly  the  same   the  same   final  completion   completion   frank  and  honest  exchange   frank  exchange  or  honest  exchange   free  gift   gift   he/she  is  a  person  who  .  .  .   he/she   important/basic  essentials   essentials   in  spite  of  the  fact  that   although   in  the  field  of  economics/law  enforcement   in  economics/law  enforcement   in  the  event  that   if   job  functions   job  or  functions   Page 19 of 27
  • 20. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates new  innovations   innovations   one  and  the  same   the  same   particular  interest   interest   period  of  four  days   four  days   personally,  I  think/feel   I  think/feel   personal  opinion   opinion   puzzling  in  nature   puzzling   refer  back   refer   repeat  again   repeat   return  again   return   revert  back   revert   shorter/longer  in  length   shorter/longer   small/large  in  size   small/large   square/round/rectangular  in  shape   square/round/rectangular   summarize  briefly   summarize   surrounded  on  all  sides   surrounded   surrounding  circumstances   circumstances   the  future  to  come   the  future   there  is  no  doubt  but  that   no  doubt   usual/habitual  custom   custom   we  are  in  receipt  of   we  have  received     OUTLINE  2:  REDUCING  CLAUSES  TO  PHRASES,  PHRASES  TO  SINGLE       Be  alert  for  clauses  or  phrases  that  can  be  pared  to  simpler,  shorter  constructions.  The  "which  clause"  can  often  be   shortened  to  a  simple  adjective.  (Be  careful,  however,  not  to  lose  some  needed  emphasis  by  over-­‐pruning;  the  word   "which,"  which  is  sometimes  necessary  [as  it  is  in  this  sentence],  is  not  evil.)     • Smith  College,  which  was  founded  in  1871,  is  the  premier  all-­‐womens  college  in  the  United  States.   • Founded  in  1871,  Smith  College  is  the  premier  all-­‐womens  college  in  the  United  States.       Page 20 of 27
  • 21. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates • Citizens  who  knew  what  was  going  on  voted  him  out  of  office.   • Knowledgeable  citizens  voted  him  out  of  office.       • Recommending  that  a  student  copy  from  another  students  paper  is  not  something  he  would                                                    recommend.   • He  wouldnt  recommend  that  a  student  copy  from  another  students  paper.    (Or  "He  would  never  tell  a                      student  to  copy  .  .  .  .")     Phrases,  too,  can  sometimes  be  trimmed,  sometimes  to  a  single  word.     • Unencumbered  by  a  sense  of  responsibility,  Jason  left  his  wife  with  forty-­‐nine  kids  and  a  can  of  beans.   • Jason  irresponsibly  left  his  wife  with  forty-­‐nine  kids  and  a  can  of  beans.  (Or  leave  out  the  word                      altogether  and  let  the  act  speak  for  itself.)       OUTLINE  3:  INTENSIFIERS  THAT  DON’T  INTENSIFY       Avoid  using  words  such  as  really,  very,  quite,  extremely,  severely  when  they  are  not  necessary.  It  is  probably  enough   to  say  that  the  salary  increase  is  inadequate.  Does  saying  that  it  is  severely  inadequate  introduce  anything  more  than   a  tone  of  hysteria?  These  words  shouldnt  be  banished  from  your  vocabulary,  but  they  will  be  used  to  best  effect   when  used  sparingly.       OUTLINE  4:  AVOIDING  EXPLETIVE  CONSTRUCTIONS       This  sounds  like  something  a  politician  has  to  learn  to  avoid,  but,  no,  an  expletive  construction  is  a  common  device   that  often  robs  a  sentence  of  energy  before  it  gets  a  chance  to  do  its  work.  Expletive  constructions  begin  with  there   is/are  or  it  is.     • There  are  twenty-­‐five  students  who  have  already  expressed  a  desire  to  attend  the  program  next   summer.  It  is  they  and  their  parents  who  stand  to  gain  the  most  by  the  government  grant.   • Twenty-­‐five  students  have  already  expressed  a  desire  to  attend  the  program  next  summer.  They  and   Page 21 of 27
  • 22. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates their  parents  stand  to  gain  the  most  by  the  government  grant.     OUTLINE  5:  PHRASES  YOU  CAN  OMIT       Be  on  the  lookout  for  important  sounding  phrases  that  add  nothing  to  the  meaning  of  a  sentence.  Such  phrases   quickly  put  a  reader  on  guard  that  the  writer  is  trading  in  puffery;  worse,  they  put  a  reader  to  sleep.     all  things  considered   All  things  considered,  Connecticuts  woodlands  are  in  better   shape  now  than  ever  before.   All  things  considered,  Connecticuts  woodlands  are  in  better   shape  now  than  ever  before.   as  a  matter  of  fact   As  a  matter  of  fact,  there  are  more  woodlands  in  Connecticut   now  than  there  were  in  1898.   As  a  matter  of  fact,  There  are  more  woodlands  in  Connecticut   now  than  there  were  in  1898.   as  far  as  Im  concerned   As  far  as  Im  concerned,  there  is  no  need  for  further  protection   of  woodlands.   As  far  as  Im  concerned,  there  Further  protection  of   woodlands  is  not  needed.   at  the  present  time   This  is  because  there  are  fewer  farmers  at  the  present  time.   This  is  because  there  are  fewer  farmers  now.   because  of  the  fact  that   Woodlands  have  grown  in  area  because  of  the  fact  that   farmers  have  abandoned  their  fields.   Woodlands  have  grown  in  area  because  farmers  have   abandoned  their  fields.   by  means  of   Major  forest  areas  are  coming  back  by  means  of  natural   processes.   Major  forest  areas  are  coming  back  through  natural  processes.   (or  naturally)   by  virtue  of  the  fact  that   Our  woodlands  are  coming  back  by  virtue  of  the  fact  that  our   Page 22 of 27
  • 23. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates economy  has  shifted  its  emphasis.   Our  woodlands  are  coming  back  by  virtue  of  the  fact  that   because  our  economy  has  shifted  its  emphasis.   due  to  the  fact  that   Due  to  the  fact  that  their  habitats  are  being  restored,  forest   creatures  are  also  re-­‐establishing  their  population  bases.   Due  to  the  fact  that  Because  their  habitats  are  being  restored,   forest  creatures  are  also  re-­‐establishing  their  population   bases.   exists   The  fear  that  exists  among  many  people  that  we  are  losing  our   woodlands  is  uncalled  for.   The  fear  that  exists  among  many  people  that  we  are  losing  our   woodlands  is  uncalled  for.   for  all  intents  and  purposes   The  era  in  which  we  must  aggressively  defend  our  woodlands   has,  for  all  intents  and  purposes,  passed.   The  era  in  which  we  must  aggressively  defend  our  woodlands   has,  for  all  intents  and  purposes,  passed.   for  the  most  part   For  the  most  part,  peoples  suspicions  are  based  on  a   misunderstanding  of  the  facts.   For  the  most  part,  Peoples  suspicions  are  based  on  a   misunderstanding  of  the  facts.   for  the  purpose  of   Many  woodlands,  in  fact,  have  been  purchased  for  the   purpose  of  creating  public  parks.     Many  woodlands,  in  fact,  have  been  purchased  for  the   purpose  of  creating  as  public  parks.   have  a  tendency  to   This  policy  has  a  tendency  to  isolate  some  communities.   This  policy  has  a  tendency  tends  to  isolate  some  communities.   in  a  manner  of  speaking   The  policy  has,  in  a  manner  of  speaking,  begun  to  Balkanize   the  more  rural  parts  of  our  state.   The  policy  has,  in  a  manner  of  speaking,  begun  to  Balkanize   Page 23 of 27
  • 24. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates the  more  rural  parts  of  our  state.   in  a  very  real  sense   In  a  very  real  sense,  this  policy  works  to  the  detriment  of   those  it  is  supposed  to  help.   In  a  very  real  sense,  This  policy  works  to  the  detriment  of   those  it  is  supposed  to  help.   in  my  opinion   In  my  opinion,  this  wasteful  policy  ought  to  be  revoked.   In  my  opinion,  This  wasteful  policy  ought  to  be  revoked.   in  the  case  of   In  the  case  of  this  particular  policy,  citizens  of  northeast   Connecticut  became  very  upset.   Citizens  of  northeast  Connecticut  became  very  upset  about  his   policy.   in  the  final  analysis   In  the  final  analysis,  the  state  would  have  been  better  off   without  such  a  policy.   In  the  final  analysis,  The  state  would  have  been  better  off   without  such  a  policy.   in  the  event  that   In  the  event  that  enough  people  protest,  it  will  probably  be   revoked.   If  enough  people  protest,  it  will  probably  be  revoked.   in  the  nature  of   Something  in  the  nature  of  a  repeal  may  soon  take  place.   Something  in  the  nature  of  like  a  repeal  may  soon  take  place.   in  the  process  of   Legislators  are  already  in  the  process  of  reviewing  the   statutes.   Legislators  are  already  in  the  process  of  reviewing  the   statutes.   it  seems  that   It  seems  that  they  cant  wait  to  get  rid  of  this  one.   It  seems  that  They  cant  wait  to  get  rid  of  this  one.   manner   They  have  monitored  the  activities  of  conservationists  in  a   cautious  manner.   They  have  cautiously  monitored  the  activities  of   Page 24 of 27
  • 25. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates conservationists.   the  point  I  am  trying  to  make   The  point  I  am  trying  to  make  is  that  sometimes  public  policy   doesnt  accomplish  what  it  set  out  to  achieve.   The  point  I  am  trying  to  make  is  that  Sometimes  public  policy   doesnt  accomplish  what  it  set  out  to  achieve.   type  of   Legislators  need  to  be  more  careful  of  the  type  of  policy  they   propose.   Legislators  need  to  be  more  careful  of  the  type  of  policy  they   propose.   what  I  mean  to  say  is   What  I  mean  to  say  is  that  well-­‐intentioned  lawmakers   sometimes  make  fools  of  themselves.   What  I  mean  to  say  is  that  Well-­‐intentioned  lawmakers   sometimes  make  fools  of  themselves.     OUTLINE  6:  Eliminating  Clichés  and  Euphemisms     A  cliché  is  an  expression  that  was  probably,  once  upon  a  time,  an  original  and  brilliant  way  of  saying  something.   Imagine  being  the  first  person  to  say  something  as  clever  as  "She  fell  head  over  heels  in  love"  or  "Shes  cool  as  a   cucumber."  Sadly,  though,  such  expressions  eventually  lose  their  luster  and  become  trite  and  even  annoying.  Writers   who  indulge  in  tired  language  are  not  being  respectful  to  their  readers,  and  writers  return  the  compliment  by  losing   attention  and  going  on  to  something  else.   A  euphemism  is  a  word  or  phrase  that  substitutes  for  language  the  speaker  or  writer  feels  is  too  blunt  or  somehow   offensive.  When  people  die,  we  say,  instead,  that  they  have  "passed  away"  or  "met  their  maker"  or  "gone  to  sleep."   And,  at  the  silly  extreme,  a  garbage  collector  is  a  sanitation  engineer;  a  janitor  is  a  custodial  engineer.  What  the   writer  must  guard  against  is  the  tendency  of  euphemisms  not  only  to  shield  readers  from  harsh  reality  but  also  to   obfuscate  meaning  and  truth.  Good  writing  tells  the  truth  and  tells  it  plain.    II.    Practice/Interactive  Activity     1   Practice/Activity   ACTIVITY  ON  CONCISE  WORDS     Items     Page 25 of 27
  • 26. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates In  this  topic,  learner  will  do  the  exercise  on  the  use  of  concise  words.  Rewrite  the  following  sentences  in  the  text-­‐ areas  provided.  When  you  are  finished  with  each  sentence  (or,  if  you  wish,  wait  until  youve  done  them  all),  click  on   Grammars  Version,  which  will  reveal  how  we  might  have  rewritten  the  sentence  to  achieve  a  more  concise   statement.             3. It is to be hoped that we discover a means to create an absolutely proper and fitting tribute to Professor Espinoza. Page 26 of 27
  • 27. Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133Module 1: The Writing ProcessRLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PMPrepared by: Team mates 4. There is a desire on the part of many of us to maintain a spring recess for the purpose of getting away from the demands of our studies.                     Page 27 of 27