@LIFECOACHERS Q4 REVIEW: CAPS LOCK OR GTFO An @FlyoverJoel Presentation
Q4 2011 Goals Achieved You spend all your time lying to yourself, which is good practice for lying to your family.1 Dont give up on yourself until everyone else does, that way they can laugh at your futile2 determination. Its perfectly acceptable to cut pictures of people from catalogs, put them in your wallet and3 lie to your coworkers about your great family. Be a better person: start recycling your arrest warrants, credit card bills and STI test results4 instead of crumpling them into rage balls. Dont give into your rage, or spiteful feelings. Stuff them deep inside so they can explode later5 at just the right person. Live AND die boldly. Basically be running naked at the SWAT team with a machete in each hand6 when you go or die unfulfilled.7 Write you own LIFECOACHERS goal here.
2011 ROIBuying new pants is easier than dieting. Exercise daily! On one hand youll lose weight and get healthier; on the other you might die any moment of a huge heart attack. Win/win! Larder, better, fatter, stronger.
LIFECOACHERS Goes CarbonNeutral, Methane Positive, in 2011 Dont worry about the environment; you are 100% biodegradable.
Socio-Philio-Economic DecisionMaking Arrow (We just made that up) A strong imagination Denial IS makes for strong Ethics. LOL. self-delusion. an ethos. This is a LIFECOACHERS Arrow Chart.
Duality of Mind and Liver Act like this is the Friday you are The most practical key to peace of going to cut loose & party like crazy mind and happiness this holiday as you plan your Doritos, beer and season? Anything 80-proof in a flask horror flicks loneliness fest. you can carry everywhere.
2011 Critical Success Factors• Dont bring a baseball bat to a psychokinesis fight.• Having feelings is the leading cause of having hurt feelings.• Love your neighbors; smite your enemies; tickle-fight your competitors; snuggle your mildly annoying but ultimately harmless acquaintances.• Achieve more goals by getting better at soccer.• Declare yourself a church and everything becomes a tax write-off.• Having trouble smiling? Put on some clown makeup and rob a bank.• Park your kids in front of the TV for 10 or 20 years. It worked out so well for you.
2011 Critical Success Factors Doing this years Christmas cards in Comic Sans is a great way of letting everyone know you hate them.
2011 Critical Success Factors COACH YOUR OWN LIFE MAKE IT GET OFF ITS ASS AND DO WIND SPRINTS TILL IT PUKES THEN WHORE IT OUT TO COLLEGE RECRUITERS
2011 Critical Success Factors Sometimes a $7 pitcher of beer is just a $7 pitcher of beer. If you keep digestion in mind, youre always multi-tasking.
The Four Quadrants of Pie (Sweet, Delicious, Pie) • You can go to jail for • The unexamined life is murdering people but you hilarious. cant go to jail for murdering peoples hopes and dreams. Harmony Proactivity Synergy Success • The best joke is the • Why believe in yourself one you play on when you can believe in yourself every time booze? you try to succeed.
2011 Strategic Alliances When it comes to children, there are no returns or gift- receipts. However, you can regift them at an orphanage.
Forward Looking Statement Practice The new "American Way" is to never stop 1 eating. Even while youre asleep, so practice your night-chewing. The universe laughs at the Understand grandeur of your hopes and dreams. Unless your dreamlife 2 When you wonder why your friends are friends with you, the reason is because they consists of Lunchables, daytime TV need someone to feel superior to. & Diet Mountain Dew. Resolve The secret to success is praying that the 3 part of you that loves failing isnt stronger than the part of you that loves gloating.
Build to Your Dreams Hot coffee in the crotch is better than warm Pepsi up the butt. TAKE UP SMOKING WITH EXTRA GLUTEN AND SOY Combat the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) with plenty of tropical drinks! If youre too ugly to sleep your way to the top, do your best to at least nap your way to middle management. Nothing is wrong with two pyramid metaphors on one slide.
A New Year and a New ParadigmYour New Failure Paradigm:1. Begin by failing2. Consume alcohol3. Accept failures arent lessons4. Consume alcohol5. Embrace failure
Success Is the Final Frontier You can achieve anything in life except for being an astronaut. Probably not going to happen.
QUESTIONS? LIFECOACHERS is a collection of Twitter personalities providing you the best life advice you can get on the internet. You can follow them on Twitter at https://twitter.com/lifecoachers or if you aren’t as cool, on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/LIFECOACHERS FlyoverJoel is not a member of LIFECOACHERS but you can still read his daily musings at https://twitter.com/FlyoverJoel or http://www.facebook.com/FlyoverJoel.