Sample Essay Feedback #2
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Sample Essay Feedback #2

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Example of the feedback I provide to students in writing courses. For online portfolio: engagedrhetoric.com

Example of the feedback I provide to students in writing courses. For online portfolio: engagedrhetoric.com

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Sample Essay Feedback #2 Document Transcript

  • 1. As individuals, we all faced the inevitable question at one point in our childhood: "What do you 1. "What do you want to be when you... 1want to be when you grow up?". I remember the answer being different depending upon circumstances Does this question every really get answered?such as the new toy we received for the holidays, famous superhero or even adopting our favorite TV Wonderful opening sentenceshow character. As time passed, we had to face the same subject once again. This time around, our Oz - it really catches the readers attention!success in life depended on the decisions that we made and the steps that we delineated to accomplish our [Stephanie Quinn**] 2goals in life. For some, it meant achievement; for others, in became a failed mission. The same principle 2. in Oops - I think you mean "it"applies to any organization in their endeavor of achievement, growth and profitability in the business here :) [Stephanie Quinn**]industry. Success and growth fully depend on how detailed and explicit a vision for the future is 3. Success and growth fully depend...established by an organization and how well the steps are delineated to accomplish it. An organizations I like the segue you use to then turn to your focus andvision, mission and goals, such as the ones that drives Microsofts enormous success, serve as the model argument. Nicely done! 3 [Stephanie Quinn**]to imitate by other organizations trying to base their success on a simple mission statement. Even though an agreement has not been reached on its true definition, a vision can be understoodto be the element that marks the pathway as to how far an organization can go and how solid its 4foundation can be (Nathan, 1996). The vision of an organization allows for the best use of its internal 4. (Nathan, 1996). APA looks great! [Stephanieresources and causes the organization to be focused on following an established path. A well defined Quinn**]vision can be characterized as the one that reflects the standards by which an organization is driven; onethat is simple and well defined; and one that represents the distinctiveness of the organization. Nanus(1990) explains that visions should also be characterized for being "ambitious, representing undisputedprogress and expanding the organizations horizons" (p. 241). Many times, organizations might confuse or 5. Many times, 5 organizations might...mistakenly assign the same definition to a "mission" and a "vision". A mission defines a statement that is I think it is important to include this distinction.conceptual and general while a vision is factual and defined (Nanus, 1990). For example, Microsoft [Stephanie Quinn**]states that their mission is to be the top organization in technological solutions directed to the globaldiversity of its customers (Microsoft, 2011). By analyzing their mission statement, we can identify theorganizations general concept of the business: Provide technological solutions for the global market.While a mission is an essential part of the organizations identity and growth foundation, it does not -1-
  • 2. encompass the direction of the business. On the other hand, Microsoft state that their vision is "to be ledby a globally diverse workforce that consistently delivers outstanding business results, understands thevarious cultural demands of a global marketplace, is passionate about technology and the promise it holdsto tap human potential, and thrives in a corporate culture where inclusive behaviors are valued"(Microsoft, 2011, p. 1). In other words, Microsofts vision is to compete in the technology market always 1. In other words, Microsofts vision...considering that its driving force lies on the knowledge and respect of the multicultural values of its I think it is quite effective here 1 where you incorporate aworkers and customers. A vision, then, reflects the direction of an organization and creates trust in its quote and then include your own insight to the meaningmembers. Understanding that a vision is a mirror of the organization itself, it must be considered that no behind it. Very nice. [Stephanie Quinn**]matter how well it is designed and implemented, it will prove ineffective if the organizations member failto fully embrace it and understand it. Table 1 presents statistics on an internal survey performed by 2. Table 1 presents 2 statistics on...Microsoft in 2011 to determine employees familiarity with their vision: Wonderful visual! Why take up room with long descriptions/discussions when you can clearly communicate it with a Table 1. Microsoft Employees Who Know Our Vision Statement visual/table. :) [Stephanie Executives 98% Quinn**] Managerial 89% Marketing, Sales and Production 80% Employees Other 75% While the combination of a mission and vision set the pathway to success, the key element thatinitiates the movement towards the vision are the goals established by the leaders in an organization. 3Goals need to be characterized for being straightforward and reachable; must be inclusive of the 3. reachable; must If you say "they must" thenworkforce opinion and must be implemented in a way that they are compatible with the vision of the this semi-colon will be used more appropriately. It can linkorganization (Clark, 2010). Another characteristic of goals is that they must be considered task goals. two independent clauses as it should. I like the way you areTask goals are those that once they are defined, they promote and generate the steps necessary to reach communicating your ideas here and drawing thesethe objective (Musada, Kane, Shoptaugh & Minor, 2010). For example, for Microsoft to reach the connections. [Stephanie Quinn**]established goal of "designing a new spell checker for Microsoft Word ", the process itself will force the -2-
  • 3. generation of additional tasks such as programming a new interface, time and cost management for theproject and workforce training to mention a few. Regardless of the type of goals, according to Clark(2010), there are six steps that must be considered when implementing them: Goals must be created inaccordance with an established vision; they must involve the workforces opinion; they need to be aimedto concrete objectives; they need to be divided into tasks that will accomplish the objectives; a tasktiming process needs to be in place and finally, goals must be supervised to measure progress ordeficiencies in the process. Leaders recognize that, in order to be successful in accomplishing any short-term and long-termgoals, all his followers need to be involved and moving forward in the same direction. The workforce isthe driving element in any organization. Microsoft (2010) better explains this statement by stating that inorder for the organization to accomplish their futuristic goals, they must rely on the expertise andpreparation of their highly valued diversity workforce. A true leader is defined as one that can influencepeople. Once people are influenced, they will follow and embrace the full extent of the goals and visionestablished by that leader. An important aspect of influence in people is motivation. Having a highlymotivated group of people will facilitate the successful completion of projects. According to Clark(2010), a leader can inject motivation on his followers by displaying interest and connection on the visionand goals of the organization; being open to the opinion and ideas from his followers and by creating awork environment where people feel valued, appreciated and respected. The importance of well-defined,reachable goals becomes essentials in the motivational process of followers. When team members can 1. When team members can see the completion...see the completion of short-term goals, the motivational factor will keep them focused in pursuing the Very strong conclusion and I like this quote! I think I wouldaccomplishment of long-term goals. According to a research by Bandura (1997), when people see the incorporate one more sentence afterward whereaccomplishment of future and short-term goals, they become "a key element in human motivation" (p. you really hit the audience 1 with your own take home224). message, but this well done! Excellent work, Oz, and I enjoyed reading your essay :) [Stephanie Quinn**] -3-
  • 4. In conclusion, a well defined vision; supported by realistic, comprehensible goals; and 1. In conclusion, a well defined vision;...complemented by the influence of solid motivational leadership, will provide the pathway to success of Oops! Because of the way the page breaks fell, I didnt see 1an organizational entity. this on the previous page. I like this ending. I would attach this to your previous References paragraph (and then you might want to break up the previous paragraph so it isnt so long). But by doing this,Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York: Freeman. you will have a nicely developed ending.Clark, D.R. (2007). Leading and Leadership Goals. Retrieved from Good work here, Oz! http://www.nwlink.com/~donclark/leader/leadled.html [Stephanie Quinn**] Masuda, A. D., Kane, T. D., Shoptaugh, C. F., & Minor, K. A. (2010). The Role of a Vivid and 2. A Vision and Strategy for Challenging Personal Vision in Goal Hierarchies. Journal Of Psychology, 144(3), 221-242. the Future. Just remember APA has 2Microsoft (2011). A Vision and Strategy for the Future. Extracted from special formatting for titles and capitalization - make sure http://www.microsoft.com/about/diversity/en/us/vision.aspx#Our Global Diversity & you follow those (and the same goes for the next title). Inclusion Mission Statement [Stephanie Quinn**] 3Nanus, Burt. (1992). Visionary Leadership. San Francisco: Jossey Bass, Inc. 3. Burt. First initial only. [Stephanie Nathan, M. L. (1996). What is organizational vision? Ask chief executives. Academy Of Management Quinn**] Executive, 10(1), 82-83 -4-