The Power Of A Positive No

A Positive No Book reference: The power of a positive No Author: William Ury Doria Jan.28th ,2010

Agenda Summary Let the team share the lesson learn from this topic or the sentences which impressed deeply. Stage 3:Follow Through 7. Stay true to your Yes 8. Underscore your No 9. Negotiate to Yes Review3 Based on learner’s discussion, link with the key learning points on stage 2 and stage 3 . Stage 2:Deliver 4. Express your Yes 5. Assert your No 6. Propose a Yes Review2 Review1:Role play with the real cases Stage 1:Prepare 1. Uncover your Yes 2. Empower your No 3. Respect your way to Yes Review1 Discussion Background introduction Conclusion and Q&A Topic

The universal problem in our daily life:
A demand or request that is
unwelcome
A behavior that is
inappropriate or abusive
A situation or system that is
not working or not fair

Our Reaction ? - “3-A” Approaches
Accommodation: (We say yes when we want to say no)
It is to stress the relationship even if means sacrificing our key interests.
Attack: (We say no poorly)
We use our power without concern for the relationship.
Avoid: (We say nothing at all)
We are afraid of offering others, hoping that the problem will go away even though we know it will not.

The challenge is ....
We accommodate, attack, avoid the problem….
The problem fester until they become crises .
The challenge is:
the tension between
exercising your power and tending to your relationship .

What Is A positive No?
Example:
Your boss asks you to work through the weekend to complete an
important project. It is the very weekend you and your friends have
been looking forward to gathering. But it is the boss who is making the
requests, and your promotion review is coming up very soon. How you
can say No ?
What is A positive No?
Opening Yes :”Boss, my family needs me and I intend to spend the holidays
with them.”
Matter-of-fact No :”I will not be working during weekends and holidays.”
An invitation Yes? :”What I propose is that we find a new arrangement that gets
the necessary work done in the office while I spend the time
I need with my family.”

The way out: * A positive No *
A positive No balance power and relationship in the service
of your interests.
A positive No is "Yes! No. Yes?“
Initial Yes is to protect what is important to you.
No is the matter-of-fact No that set a clear limit.
Second Yes is an invitation to the other to reach an agreement.

Stage One : PREPARE
1. Uncover your Yes
2. Empower your No
3. Respect your way to Yes

Stage One: 1. Uncover your Yes
We derive our No from what we are for .
Root your No in a deeper Yes-
A Yes to your core interests and to what truly
matters.

1.1 From Reactive to proactive
We accommodate out of fear and guilt.
We attack out of anger.
We avoid out of fear.
Do not react out of anger-or indeed out of any negative emotion such as fear or quilt.

1.2 Stop: Go to balcony - Balcony is a place of perspective, calm and clarity .
Take a time-out
"Wait a minute", which gives you the time to decide.
Listen to your emotions, Become aware of your emotions.
You have emotions; they don't have you.

1.3 Keep asking yourself why
Uncover your Interests.
Uncover your needs.
Uncover your values.
Reach down to your core
Keep probing.
What's your deep purpose?
What is true and right for you?
What is the message from your heart and soul?

1.4 Crystallize your Yes
Your Yes! Is your intention to protect and advance your core interests.
Needs and values are where you come from; intention is where you
want to go.
By making a list of the interests that are motivating you to want to say no and then try to sum them up in a single phrase that best captures the essentials  Distil a single intention
Clarify your true intention first as you consider what you really want to do in this situation  Distinguish between whether and how
Refrain from your impulsive reaction, purposively release your emotional energy as resolve at the right moment.
 Turn your emotions into resolve

Example for uncover your Yes
A sales manager (B) is having trouble saying No to his biggest customer, who is continually pressing him for more and more price reduction.
A: “What is your underlying Yes?”
B: “Maintaining a steady stream of revenue”.
A: “But why?”
B: “Profit”
A: “But why do you want profits?”
B: “So we can all work and so I can put food on my family’s table.”

Stage One : PREPARE
1. Uncover your Yes
2. Empower your No

Stage One: 2. Empower your No
Saying No is not easy. The other may react
strongly to your No.
You need confidence to stand up for yourself
in the face of other’s reaction.

2.1 Turn Fear into confidence
The great irony is that the more you need to other to do what you
want, the less power you have to influence the situation.
Think of it not as "worst-case" thinking, but as planning an
alternatively means of success.
To move on from those fears to taking responsibility for
meeting your own interests and needs, with or without
the other’s cooperation .

2.2 Devise your Plan B
Plan B is your capacity to address your need independent of whether to not the other decides to respect your interests.
Plan B is called your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement)
Plan B is not an option for agreement at all but rather an alternative to agreement , a course of action you could pursue independent of the other's agreement.
Plan B is not so much power over the other as it is power to meet your own interests.

2.3 Strengthen your Plan B
Brainstorm : Invent first, evaluate later .
Alternatives
1.Do it yourself
2.Exit
3.Third side
4.Intermediate and ultimate plans
Build a winning coalition
You never have to use the Plan B or even to reveal it…

2.4 Anticipate the other's power moves
* Take away their stick!
Don’t attack the other, but simply remove their ability
to attack you.
* Consider the worst case!
“ What's the worst thing they could do to me?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The purpose of thinking “worst-case” is not to create unnecessary fear for
yourself but rather do distinguish fear from reality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To neutralize the impact of other’s reaction.

2.5 Reassess your decision to say No
Saying No may carry significant costs and risks for you- and for the other,
it is always wise to reassess your decision.
Do I have the interests?
Do I have the power?
Do I have the right?

Stage One : PREPARE
1. Uncover your Yes
2. Empower your No

Stage One: 3.Respect your way to Yes
The other often takes our No as a personal rejection .
Threat the other with the same sense of
dignity with which you would like to be
treated.

3.1 Adopt a positive attitude of respect
Begin with self-respect.
You give respect to the other not so much because
of who they are but because of who you are .
Respect is an expression of yourself and your value .

3.2 Take a second look
When we respect the other, we are giving ourselves the
opportunity to look again at someone whom fear and anger
may have kept us from seeing fully. We are learning to observe
people as they truly are, to listen their underlying needs, to look
for what is going on inside them.
Act with respect,
whatever your feelings may be.

3.3 Respect them for your sake
Do Yourself a favor - it can help get your needs met.
1.Listen Attentively
-Listen to understand, not to refute
-Ask clarifying questions
2.Acknowledge the other
-Acknowledge the other's point of view
-Let them know you value them
-Surprise them with recognition

3.4 Begin positive No on a positive note
It is not easy to jump into the subject……
To ask other politely for their time and attention “ I'd appreciate a word with you...“.
As a part of your invitation, let the other know that there is a benefit from them too, not just for you. ”I’d like to discuss something that I think it will enable us to work more effectively together...”

3.5 Prepare, prepare, prepare As you Say NO the problematic request or behavior, Say YES to the person!

Case for stage of Prepare : Case study
3 person a group, write down their real cases(10 mins)
Practice: Select one case
To practice to deliver a positive No.
( A: You, B: Requestor, C: Observer)
====================================
Student Guide for uncover your Yes:
Out of any negative emotion;
Calm down and think deeply;
Reach down to your core (Your interests, your needs, your values)
Distill a single intention of core interest;
Crystallize your No
====================================
After discussion, output:
For requestor: What’s your feeling?
For observer: What’s your findings?

Presentation your case (One case)
For requestor: What’s your feeling?
For observer: What’s your findings?

Stage Two: DELIVER
4. Express your Yes
5. Assert your No
6. Propose A Yes

Stage Two ： 4.Express your Yes
It begins with an affirmation ,
proceeds to establish a limit ,
and ends with a proposal .

4.1 The Purpose of the Initial Yes *Explain your No You are not seeking to reject them personally, but simply trying to protect what is important to you. The-statement I-statement We-statement *Affirm your No You stand on your feet. -to find your rooted concern -to create a new reality

4.1.1 Explain your No : The-statement
The-statement: (The: fact-based)
Stick to the facts ," Be hard on the problem, not the person"
Let others to understand precisely what behaviors were troubling you.
Watch your words ,
to avoid: “ shoulding " on the other"/" Judgmental or subjective
language"/" Categorical statement, such as never, always,
nothing ,everything.."

Example of “The – Statement”
A human tendency is to point a finger at the person : “The product was delayed because your team took so long to organized and because you make too many changes.”
A more neutral and effective way to get the same information across is replace you with the : “The product got delayed as a result of the many changes that were made.”
The-statement just straight facts.

4.1.2 Explain your No : I-statement
Speak in first person.
Naming the truth of what is going on for you can have a real impact on
the other and on your situation.
Describe your interests, simply, clearly and cleanly.
You are not responsible for the other's reaction.

4.1.3 Explain your No : We-statement
-Appeal to share interests
Your interests are rarely yours alone .
-Invoke shared standard and value
(such as equality, fairness, or quality)

4.2 Express your yes without saying "Yes"
“ No” is a completed sentence
In certain circumstances,
you don't need to explain
to the other, it is your business
and not theirs.

4.3 Yes, it’s a value statement
You don't blame or shame the other.
You don't reject the other.
*You simply asset your own
interests, needs, and values*

Stage Two: DELIVER
4. Express your Yes
5. Assert your No
6. Propose A Yes

Stage Two: 5. Assert Your No
*Positive No is a shield of protection*
It protect you and your Yes without hurting the other.
-You are setting a clear limit , drawing a clean line , creating
a firm boundary.

5.1 A power of No
-> No is the key word in defining your identity ,your
individuality , or, in organization terms, your brand .
-> No is a selection principle that allow you to be who you
are and not someone or something else.

5.2 Let your No flow (A natural No)
Let it flow from your Yes , from your power , from your
respect .
To get your No heard ,a firm, neutral tone will do just
fine.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you deliver a positive No, you are conveying your commitment to
a future course of action. With your commitment you are creating a
new boundary that didn't exist before.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Example for assert your No
Teacher: “I’m sorry, Mrs. Taylor, but Susan cannot stay in the humanities class. She doesn’t belong there. ”
Mother: “No. Susan has a right to be included with her peers. We will have to find a way to make it work.”
Teacher: “But she is not keeping up.”
Mother: “Susan has challenges, but I assure you that she will do the work.”
Teacher: “But she got upset the other day by the work.”
Mother: “The reason she got upset was because she was told that she doesn’t belong in the class.”

5.3 Saying No to demands
“ I prefer to decline rather than do a poor job.”
“ I have another commitment…”
“ No, thanks”
“ I have a policy…”

5.4 Saying No to behaviors
“ Stop!”
“ Hold on
“ Wait a minute”
“ That is not ok, appropriate, allowed”
“ It's not ok for me”
“ That's enough”

Example for assert your No
Faced with a barrage of angry insults across the telephone from a key investor, the hotel executive says calmly, “Peter, we’ll call you back tomorrow.” and hangs up the phone – in effect saying No to his behavior.

Stage Two: DELIVER
4. Express your Yes
5. Assert your No
6. Propose A Yes

Stage Two: 6. Propose A Yes
As you close one door with your No,
Open another with second Yes!

Example for propose A Yes
A woman complained to her husband that he was spending too much time at the office. The next day, he signed up for a golf tour on the weekend! The woman was unhappy because her husband missed the point : She wanted him to spend more time at home with her and their children. She had delivered her No, but without the positive request that would make it clear what she wanted.

6.1 As you close one door, open another
In response to the other's behavior, we tell them what we don't
want them to do….
We should tell them “ what we do want them to do .”

6.2 Saying No to demands: Offer a third option
1.Invent options for mutual gain
Couple your No with a positive solution that address their needs while
still meeting yours.
2.“If…then..”-(Constrained by circumstances)
State the conditions under which you could say Yes.
3.“Later” -(Sometime your major constraints is timing)
In that case, a third option is to agree to other request but to change
the timing.
4.Suggest a problem-solving process

6.3.1 Saying No to Behaviors: Make a constructive request(1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A constructive proposal is clear, feasible, positive
framed, and respectful.
Make your request clear
Instead of asking the other to change their attitude or feeling , it is
more effective to couch your request in terms of specific
behaviors you would like to see.

6.3.2 Saying No to Behaviors: Make a constructive request(2) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make your request feasible
The more you take into account the other's needs and constraints,
the greater the chances the other will comply with your requests
Frame your request positively Don't just tell the other to stop doing something you don't want; ask them to try doing something you do want. Make your request respectful Your manner can make the difference between acceptance and refusal.

6.4 To prepare three elements and have each firmly in mind
You start with an affirmative YES!
And then move to a matter-of-fact No .
You end with an inviting Yes?

Stage Three: FOLLOW THROUGH
7. Stay true to your Yes
8. Underscore your No
9. Negotiate to Yes

Stage Three: 7. Stay true to your Yes
How will you manage the other’s reaction to
your No?
And help them say Yes to
your proposal?

7.1 Understand the stage to acceptance
(Avoidance, Denial, Anxiety, Anger,
Bargaining, Sadness, Acceptance)
-Control your own natural reactions . -Remember that you cannot influence the other’s behaviors unless you can first influence your own.

7.1.1 Don't yield, don't attacks Yielding rewards the other’s abusive behavior, and counterattacking reinforces it. Keep your focus on what matters to you .

7.1.2 Go to Balcony
Pause before responding:
-Calm down with counting to ten
-Save your angry email as draft
-Go slow
Name the game -Observer your own feelings and sensation. -As you notice your reaction, you can begin to take control and calm yourself Pinch your palm Asking a friend or colleague to accompany when it is hard for you to react to other’s provocation. Use the power of not reacting

7.2 Listen respectfully
Empathize (putting yourself in other shoes)
WITHOUT
Sympathizing (sharing the pain with them)
--------------------------------------------------------------
-Paraphrase
-Acknowledge their point without conceding yours
-Replace "but" with "Yes...and..."
-Say "Oh, so ? No.“
--------------------------------------------------------------

7.3 Stand True like a tree Being a detached observer minimizes the temptation to yield or attack and allow the other’s anxiety and anger to subside, which helps pave the way to an acceptance of the reality of your No.

9. Negotiate to Yes

Stage Three: 8.Underscore your No
To underscore means continuing to stand up for what is
important to you without destroying the possibility of a
deal or a healthy relationship.
- Repeat your No -Educate the other -Deploy your Plan B

8.1 Repeat Your No
The other may pretend they did not hear you ,or that they forgot
what you said….
You need to say No repeatedly until the other gets the
message.
*Be consistent and persistent
*Formulate an anchor phrase , give them more new information.
The key purpose is to help the other learn that your No means No.
*Use intentional repetition
No matter what tactic the others uses on you, your answer remains the same. You reiterate your limits in the same matter-of-fact tone of voice.

8.2 Educate- Let reality be their teacher
People learn better and resist less if they learn for
themselves.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Ask reality-testing questions,
cause the other to reflect on the natural consequences of refusing to
respect your No.
2. Warn , don't threaten
3.Use logical consequences
You need to relate the consequence to the problem at hand so that
the other readily understands the connection.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8.3 Deploy your Plan B
If the other continues to disrespect your needs even after your
warnings, it is Plan B time.
-Withdraw your cooperation
-The more power, the more respect
Implement your Plan B with respect and even with regret.

8.4 Meet resistance with persistence
*Use your power to help the other accept the
new reality.
*Let that reality be their teacher, not you.
*Carry out your Plan B.

9. Negotiate to Yes

Stage Three: 9. Negotiate to Yes
The goal: A positive outcome
-An agreement -A health, authentic relationship

9.1 Build them a golden bridge
The principal obstacles :
-Difficult One: Some unmet need or concern. (Reach Agreement)
-Difficult Two: The opinion of key constituents or stakeholder. (Get Approval)
-Difficult Three: Strain on your relationship. (Repair Relationship)
Build them a golden bridge across the
canyon through

9.1.1 Facilitate a Wise Agreement (Obstacle one)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Don’t compromise essentials.
*Address unmet interests.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wise agreement meets your essential needs and
addresses theirs as well .

9.1.2 Help the other win approval (Obstacle Two)
In helping the other say Yes, it is vital not to forget
Who else on the other side must say yes if the
agreement is to hold.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Use the “Acceptance speech test”
*Help them save face
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9.1.3 Cultivate a healthy relationship (Obstacle three) If the other simply complies with your request but the relationship is thereafter damaged, you will consider it a short-term victory but a long-term loss . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -reach out to the other Pay more attention on the relationship. -rebuild confidence A sincere acknowledge, apology, or expression of regret . -replenish your goodwill account Look for opportunity to nourish the relationship. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9.2 End on a positive Note
Acknowledge the truth of the difficulties
Thank the person
And focus on a positive future

Conclusion: The marriage of YES and NO
Yes without No destroys one's own satisfaction, whereas ,
No without Yes destroys one's relationship with others.
The great Art is to marry Yes and No

Example of A positive NO
In order to accommodate the pleasure of all our guests (Affirm the underlying Yes) , this is A NON-SMOKING room. (Matter-of- fact statement of reality)
We ask that you smoke in our smoking room, the great outdoors !(Lead a concrete instruction)
Thank You! (End with a simple gesture of respect)

Practicing The positive No
Fortunately, each of
us is offered many opportunities
a day to practice saying No.

Q&A
Summary and let each learner to share what’s their lesson
learn? Or which messages from the charts impressed them
deeply. Open comments .

Thanks The reference book: The power of a positive no - William Ury

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The Power Of A Positive No

by Doria Shi on Feb 21, 2010

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The Power Of A Positive No — Presentation Transcript