LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
- “ Love means: I want you to be you.”
- “ I want the loved person to grow & unfold for his own sake, & in his own ways, & not for the purpose of serving me.”
- I found my lover on his bed, and my heart was sweet to excess,
- I shall never be far away (from) you while my hand is in your hand,
- and I shall stroll with you in every favorite place.
- How pleasant is this hour, may it extend for me to eternity:
- since I have lain with you, you have lifted high my heart.
- In mourning or in rejoicing be not far from me.
- Poem from the late Egyptian empire
- Quoted in Bergman, 1987, p. 5
- Friendship vs. Romantic Love
- Are love & friendship somehow related? (Keith Davis, 1985)
- Essential characteristics of friendship
- Acceptance of one another
- Things unique to spouses & lovers
- Romantic relationships are more rewarding, but more volatile & frustrating
- How do I know if this is really love?
- Romantic love almost always involves physical responses when you’re close to that person or thinking about him/her
- Where do we get our ideal notion of love?
- “the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined”
- A concern for the welfare of the other
- Examples – parent/child, long-term adult relationship
- Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable…
- What researchers say about “love” and being “in love”
- “ love” = companionate love
- Hazan & Shaver (1987) Attachment Theory
- Anxious-Ambivalent Lovers
- This is the difference between love & infatuation
- Must overcome your fear of being judged or that the other person will leave you
- Emotional reaction to relationship being threatened
- Loss of face, self-esteem, or feeling special
- Involves anger, humiliation, anxiety, & depression
- WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED YOU SHOULD DO WHEN YOU FEEL THIS WAY??????
- Place high value on things like popularity, wealth, fame, & physical attractiveness
- Men get jealous about sexual infidelity
- Women get jealous about emotional infidelity
- Women show jealousy when they feel inadequate & try to make themselves look more attractive
- Men show jealousy, then feel inadequate, then seek outside relationships
- Women usually don’t enjoy sex unless it’s in a loving relationship
- Men more often can enjoy sex without emotional involvement
- Sex & love are NOT synonymous!
- Physical contact is important to us; need to be held
- Laumann et al. (1994) – many couples still prefer to reserve sex for marriage, allowing intimacy to grow
- Feeling do NOT depend on expectations being met by some outside source
- Conditional love = stay as long as needs being met
- Romantic love tends to be conditional
- Unconditional love is closest to companionate love
- Maintaining a Relationship
- Factors involved in the beginning
- What happens when things change???
- Other factors involved in choosing a partner
- Repeated exposure leads to it becoming less positive over time
- Usually become disappointed (not the happily ever after you expected)
- Sex usually becomes ritual and boring
- Growing Together/Growing Apart
- Need to keep things exciting
- Is your partner your best friend?
- Need to find new common interests over time
- Don’t have to do EVERYTHING together!
- Accept themselves as they are
- Recognize his/her partner for what he/she is
- Feel comfortable to express himself/herself
- Deal with your partner’s reactions
- Love is an active power in man; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men … In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one yet remain two
- Bergmann, M. S. (1987). The anatomy of living . New York: Fawcett Columbine.