Welcome to the Punishment of Joe Grundstrom, a completely non-cannon project inspired by a question I
asked my readers over at Boolprop after the publication of chapter 15.3: what would you do to Joe if you
had the chance?
In a nearly empty neighbourhood there was a bungalow. It was a nice bungalow, a good size and quite
nicely decorated. There were thousands like it in the multiverse, having been made by Maxis, but in this
miniverse it belonged to me. I had only just moved in, but having gotten myself settled, I had invited some
"Hi everyone, I think we all know why we are here." I said smiling at my guests.
Cait smiled. "Does it have anything to do with a certain bastard who treated the lovely Alexandra in an
"Absolutely." I replied.
"Excellent." Said Doc rubbing her hands with glee. "I hope we are going to see him suffer lots and lots of
pain and humiliation."
"Well...maybe." I replied, a wicked gleam in my eye.
"Ooo, ooo, ooo." Gin was practically bouncing up and down where she stood. "Is this why you asked the
question over at Boolprop?“
"So we are going to see..." She trailed off. "You know what, I can't wait."
"Neither can I." Said Sarah. "In fact do we have to?"
I looked at them all. "Oh you mean you don’t want me to continue to do my cruel, 'I'm going to make you
all wait to see what I have in store for Joe ' act?"
There was a flash and Joe suddenly appeared in the centre of the room.
"What?" He looked around astonished. "Where am I?" He caught sight of me.
"Miss Di? But you look so different." He continued to scan the faces of the assembled simselves. "Doc?
Mrs Legacy? Why are you here? Why am I here?"
"You are here Joe to get your just desserts for how you treated Alexandra." Replied Cait.
"You're a dog Joe." Said Circe. "You used Alexandra and then when you were done, you abandoned
"Now hold on, I think you are being too harsh. Yes I should have finished it sooner, but I did stop it before
we were wed."
"But not soon enough." Said Marina. "Thankfully a very awesome man was in love with her and they are
Joe thought for a while. "Anthony.“
"Anthony." I agreed.
"So that is why he wanted me to finish it..." He started to get angry.
"No you dingbat! All he wanted was for her to be happy, and knew that being with you would have made
her miserable." I was getting exasperated.
"I agree, shall we begin?“
The reaction was unanimous.
"Ok then. Guys you can watch on the big screen in the other room."
Then with a flash of light three of us disappeared.
Two of us re-appeared by the side of a dilapidated, graffiti covered building.
"Well this is different." Said Doc looking around.
"Not the type of place we normally go to." I agreed. "I just hope that there are no unsavoury characters
"You mean like us." Said a familiar voice.
We turned round to see Larch, Indy and Archie Vetinari standing there.
"Larch! So good to see you." Said Doc giving him a hug. "I miss not having you around.“
"Of course you do." Replied Larch. "No one else like me.“
I meanwhile was greeting Indy.
"Hi honey." I kissed him softly.
"Where's mine?" Growled Archie.
"My simself, where is she? Larch gets to hug Doc, Indy has his Di. Where's mine?"
Oh poor Archie." Said Doc. "Only a few simselves have ever been off limits to you, and here you are
stuck with two of them."
"Hmm, yeah, funny." He snarled. "Where is she?"
"Sorry Archie," I said, "but that's not why you are here.“
Doc had been having a look around, and had spotted where Joe had appeared.
"I think I know." She said with a grin.
"Then explain." Archie's notoriously short temper was getting shorter and shorter.
Doc walked back to him. "Apart from woohooing simselves, what do you enjoy more than anything?"
"An argument and a good fight." Comprehension dawned and his features relaxed into what for him
passed as a smile. "Sweet."
"All of you are here to teach someone a very good lesson.“
"Who?" Asked Larch with a grim smile.
Doc motioned to the mouth of the alley.
Larch peered round the wall to see Joe standing at the far end fretting.
'Oh this does not look like a nice place. That twisted cow, what sort of a clicky person is she to bring me
Larch looked steadily at his great, great grandson.
"No, but I'm curious."
Doc looked over at me. "Di, you want to put Indy down for a minute and explain?"
Reluctantly I pulled out of Indy's embrace. I turned and walked back towards Larch, Archie and Doc, with
Indy following me.
"That bastard," I motioned towards the alley, "took advantage of someone very dear to me, Alexandra.
She thought she loved him and that he loved her, but he didn't. Thing is he was too cowardly to tell her
he didn't want to see her again. Then he changed his mind, decided she would make a convenient wife,
and proposed to her."
"Feel like getting to the point?" Snarled Archie.
"I'm getting there Archie.“
"Only this talking is cutting into my fighting time."
"There's plenty of fighting time, don't worry. Anyway, he eventually left her at the altar, but not before she
was pregnant with his children."
"The dude never heard of condoms?" Asked Archie.
"Regalton only exists in the nineteenth century Archie." Supplied Indy. "Unless you are 'hooing a simself
or your name in Stanley, there's no contraception."
Archie's face fell for a moment, before he remembered something. "I like simselves."
"Anyway," I continued before Archie started to ask how he could get to Regalton, "that utter, utter bastard
left Alexandra broken hearted, and in a shameful situation. She would have been seen as morally
bankrupt and a common whore. She would be lucky if she escaped being put in an asylum."
"He deserves a good kicking for treating her like that, and abandoning his childrinions." Snarled Larch,
cracking his knuckles.
"To be fair, he doesn’t know about his kids." I pointed out.
"Meh, he deserved a kicking before I heard that." Said Archie. "Just because everyone does at some
By this time Joe had gotten very anxious standing stranded in the alley.
"YOU CRAZY BITCH!" He started to yell. "YOU CANNOT JUST LEAVE ME HERE YOU KNOW!"
"I think that's our cue." Said Indy
"Yup enough talk, time to fight." Snarled Archie.
"That's my boys." Said Doc as they moved into the dark alley.
Joe was very panicked by now but as soon as he saw Indy, Archie and Larch approach him he started to
"Oh thank goodness. That crazy bitch of a clicky person has abandoned me here. Can you point the way
back to Simmingtonbury?"
Indy glared at him. "If I were you, I would refrain from calling Di names.“
Archie snarled at Joe and Larch cracked his knuckles. Suddenly Joe had the feeling that maybe these
three men wouldn’t be so helpful after all.
"Continue, and I will hurt you more." Finished Indy.
Fear made Joe bold and stupid.
"Really? And what is it to you what I call the bitch?"
He didn't see the blow coming.
"That 'bitch' as you call her is the woman I love."
"Isn't he wonderful when he is defending my name?" I asked smiling at Doc.
"Yeah," she thought about how Theo had once defended her honour when for some reason Mortimer
Goth had attacked her. "It's nice when they do that. Unnecessary, but nice.“
"Seeing you and Indy makes me miss Theo." Doc said wistfully.
"Theo's here in the neighbourhood, did I not tell you?“
I grimaced. "Sorry I did mean to."
We looked down the alley again, where Joe was pulling himself upright, whilst Indy was gesturing at him
"Shall we go watch?" I asked.
"Hell yeah!" Came the answer
As we started down the alley Indy, having gotten fed up with waiting for Joe to get up, let rip with another
By the time we got to the end, a full blown fight was going on.
"Woo go Indy!" Shouted Doc.
Whilst I cowered.
"Oo my poor Indy, what if he gets hurt?"
"You changed your personality just enough so that you won't run away, but not enough so you cheer
didn't you?" Asked Doc as Joe made an attempt to hit Indy.
"HAH!" Said Indy dusting off his hands. "That'll teach you to call Di names, and take advantage of
Indy walked over to me, leaving Joe to try to pick himself up from the floor.
"Best thing I've seen today." I said running my finger along his jaw.
"Ow." He flinched slightly.
"You alright?" I asked,
"Yeah, bastard got in a lucky blow."
"Oh my poor baby." I kissed the spot gently.
"He also caught me here." He pointed to his chin, which I dutifully kissed.
A wicked gleam appeared in his eye and he opened his mouth to speak, but I pre-empted him.
"Don't push your luck mister," I said with a wry smile, "I have things to be getting on with.“
"I know. Once we've finished with this, you can have me all to yourself.“
"I'm gonna hold you to that promise."
Whilst we had been speaking Larch had walked up to Joe as he finally got to his feet.
"You're a piece of shit taking advantage of that poor girl and abandoning her as you did. You have
brought this all on yourself, remember that.“
He then lunged at Joe.
"Go Larch!" Cheered Doc.
"Come on old man, I want my turn!" Shouted Archie.
"That's it, hit him! HIT HIM!" Encouraged Indy.
"And that is why you should have made sure that a one nice point, Eeevil, protective family sim never
found out about how you treated Alexandra."
"Larch, that was great." Said Doc. "Have I told you how much I miss having you around?“
"Of course it was great, and of course you miss me. Who wouldn’t miss me?"
By now it was finally Archie's turn to beat up Joe.
"Are you going to censure me too?" Asked Joe.
"Me? No. I don’t give a shit what you have or haven't done. All I know is I want to punch you."
So he did.
"Di are you hiding behind me?" Asked Doc as she watched Archie land one on Joe's jaw.
"...Yes." I replied.
"'Kay then. As long as I know."
"And since there are no available simselves about, that is the most fun I've had all night." Said Archie as
he looked at Joe, huddled on the floor.
"That was great fun, but we're going to have to go now aren't we?" Said Doc.
"I'm afraid so, I have more planned." I replied.
"I'll just go say bye to the boys then."
Doc stepped over Joe's prone body and went up to Archie. "That was great my Little Bastard.“
"Does this mean I can have a hug?“
"Oh alright then, but you had better not roll any wants because of this.“
*snerk* "Oh I would never do that Doc.“
She turned and headed to Larch. "Now you I know I can hug without you rolling any wants I don't want to
"You know it Doc."
"You'll be at the finale?" I asked Indy as we finished saying goodbye.
"Course." He said running his fingers through my hair. "I'll even bring these two with me.“
"You do that. I think they'll enjoy it.“
"Finale?" Asked Doc.
"Yup I've planned a huge whacking great finale for this thing.“
"But for now we had better be going." I said stepping back from Indy. With a flash, and a fingergun from
Larch, we were gone.
We materialised in a flash of light in the TV room of my bungalow.
"That was great." Said Lauri as the light faded.
"I am very glad you think so." Snarled Joe.
"Shush you." I said. "No one was talking to you."
"It was so nice to see Archie again too." Said Marina, her bottom lip starting to tremble.
"I'm sorry" said Doc, "but it had to happen, and it had to be him.“
"We know Doc." I said. "Shall we continue?"
"Oh yes," I replied, "we've only just gotten started. Ready?" I looked at my fellow simselves who nodded.
There was a flash and three of us vanished.
Joe and I materialised in front of a little hut on stilts. Joe swiped at a bug as it tried to land on his skin.
"What is this place?“
"Looks like a swamp to me." I said cheerfully.
Joe flapped at the insects that by now were swarming around his head. "Bloody things.“
"Yeah they seem to be leaving me alone." I sniffed.
"They are not me!" Shrieked Joe as he started to run around, waving his arms like a windmill.
Back in the house the other simselves were watching gleefully, when they heard voices, the first male, the
second female, coming from the hallway.
"I do not think that this is a good idea. No one answered when we knocked.“
"Yes but the door is unlocked.“
"That is not an invitation to walk in though darling."
"The occupants could be ill or in need of help though.“
"Or they could be fine, or in need of privacy, or forgotten to lock the door when they went out.“
"Dearest I love you with all my heart, but sometimes you need to be just a tad more outgoing."
Throughout this Angela and Charles had been looking at each other.
"That sounds like..." He began.
"It is." She agreed.
Angela stood up. "WE ARE IN HERE." She shouted.
"See darling, someone is home. Let us go and see them."
Alexandra entered the room first and stopped when she saw so many people there. She looked around
recognising many of the faces.
"Doc! Miss Gin! Miss Jessica? Uncle Charles! Aunt Angela! What are all of you doing here?"
"Di brought us all here." Explained Angela giving her niece a hug.
"I see you are also wearing strange clothes." Said Alexandra nodding at Angela's dress. "I was most
disconcerted to find only two garments made to my measurements in my wardrobe. These," she
gestured to her t-shirt and jeans, "and a blood-stained dress. Mind you they are better than poor Louisa's
"Ah yes, perhaps I should explain." Said Angela. "This is Elsewhere. The rules and way of life you are
used to in Regalton don't apply here, so different clothes."
"Oh I see." Replied Alexandra, even though she didn’t, not really. "I must say though that these are more
comfortable than what I normally wear anyway."
She looked at the TV. "What is that?"
Angela looked around. She really didn't want to explain the TV to another Victorian. It had taken her
nearly ten minutes to persuade Charles to come out from behind it and stop trying to find out how Di and
Doc had gotten into it.
"It is a magic picture box!" Proclaimed Charles grandly.
"Is that Joe Grundstrom?" Asked Anthony as he caught sight of what was on the magic picture box.
"Yes." Replied Sarah.
"He looks in distress." Said Anthony with a smile.
"Would you like to join us and watch?" Asked Sarah.
"Oh my yes!" Exclaimed Alexandra. "Anything which shows him in distress sounds good to me."
"Alexandra, I'm shocked." Said De as she made to stand up so Alexandra could take her seat.
"Why? I have only one nice point." Came the reply. Anthony looked fondly at his wife, shrugged at the
shocked looking simselves and took the seat Michelle vacated next to Alexandra.
I had watched Joe flail around for a few minutes now, and as amusing as it had been at first, now I was
getting a little bored.
"Joe stop mucking about. It's rude of you to keep Miss Voodoo-Child waiting.“
"Who?" He said still slapping at the insects which were bothering him.
"Who is Miss Voodoo-Child?"
"I am Miss Voodoo-Child." Proclaimed a voice as there was a flash of white light and a screech of an
electric guitar. When the light faded, there stood Miss Voodoo-child.
"I know you." Said Joe. "You are a simself. I saw you at the house."
"Yes I am a simself." Smiled Lea.
"But why are you dressing up like that. Everyone knows simselves don’t have any special abilities or
powers." Said Joe conveniently forgetting how he had been travelling all day.
"Ah back in Regalton we don't, but here I am Miss Voodoo-Child, and I want you to go into my voodoo
Lea reached into her pocket and pulled out a handful of some sort of dust. She mumbled something into
her fist before blowing it into Joe's face.
"What the...?" He started to say before he suddenly vanished.
"Nicely done." I said smiling at my friend.
"Thanks, let's go in." Said Lea.
We entered the hut to find Joe standing there looking around.
"But you cannot...how did you?“
"Things are different here." Smiled Lea.
"Well I do not like it!"
"Tough." I said. "You are here for a reason Joe. You won’t be leaving until I say so." He looked at me
"In the meantime," said Lea, "let me introduce you to my friend Mr Mickles."
"Who?" Joe looked round expecting a person to enter.
"Mr Mickles." Said Lea again, taking out her voodoo doll.
"But that is a doll." He pointed out.
"I know," Lea grinned wickedly as she whipped out a hair dryer, "and at this moment in time he is feeling
Joe continued to sweat profusely even after Lea put the hair dryer away, and I giggled. This was fun.
I turned to Lea. "Oh dear, oh dear." I said, my voice dripping with fake concern. "Is there someway we
can cool Mr Mickles down do you think?"
Lea looked thoughtful for a moment. "I can certainly try."
"What if I try pouring this glass of water over him?" She said, doing just that.
"Oh no, that doesn’t appear to have worked." I said looking at Joe. "He appears to be as hot as ever.
Sorry Joe, did you want something." I added, seeing the look on Joe's face.
"Lavatory." He said through gritted teeth. "Have you a lavatory?"
"No actually." Said Lea. "I have access to maxmotives and motivedecay off so I don't need one."
With a groan Joe dashed out of the hut and into the swamp.
"He won't escape will he?" Asked Lea.
"No." I shook my head. "He can't leave the lot unless I let him."
Joe shuffled back into the hut looking embarrassed. I don't know if he had tried to escape or not, but I
was glad I hadn't had to make him come back.
Joe wiped the back of his hand across his brow.
"Oh I think Mr Mickles is still hot." I said.
"I think I know what I need to do now." Said Lea.
Lea got out Mr Mickles again and blew hard on him. Then she did it again.
"Yep that's done it.“
"Er Lea, I think you may have been a bit too enthusiastic." I said looking at Joe's blue skin.
"You may be right." She said getting out her hair dryer again. "Not to worry I'll just warm him up a bit."
"Much better." I said as Joe returned to his normal colour. "So...what else can Mr Mickles do.“
Lea smiled. "Let's find out."
I watched as Lea rubbed Mr Mickles vigorously under her arm.
"Er Lea, what are you doing?“
"Trust me. You'll like this. He won’t, but you will."
"Urgh." Said Joe, suddenly aware of the fact that he now smelt like the inside of a sewer.
"You were right." I said. "I liked that. What else have you got up your sleeve?"
"Well...there is just one more thing I'd like to try." She grinned wickedly.
I watched as Lea took Mr Mickles out and shook him violently. The effect it had on Joe was obvious...
"Hey watch it." Shouted Lea. "Vomit on me and we'll see what happens to you if I rip Mr Mickles's head
Thankfully Joe missed Lea and ended up on all fours panting as he tried to control the nausea he was
"That was fun," said Lea, "but I think I should let Mr Mickles rest now."
"I agree. I think that it's time we got back."
Lea looked down at her dress. "Yes, although I quite like being Miss Voodoo-Child.“
"You can keep Mr Mickles with you." I replied.
"Cool. Let's go."
The increasingly familiar light filled Lea's little hut as we left.
Fly now to part two.