T wo lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!" The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. "What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!" <<<>>>
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.“ "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though, she gave me $20 back for change!! " <<<>>>
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs. He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs." <<<>>>
O ne day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" <<<>>>
A n elderly couple went in together for their annual medical examinations. After examining the man, the doctor then said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time I’m usually hot and sweaty. After I have sex with my wife the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The wife replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why?" "Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!" <<<>>>
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 120, 140.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. <<<>>>
T hree older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!" <<<>>>
T he man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold." She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone." <<<>>>
A man walked into a Cafe, went to the bar and ordered a Beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the Menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy Steak and a bottle of Wine?' 'A Nickel,' the barman replied. 'A Nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?‘ The Bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.‘ The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?‘ The Bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' <<<>>>
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.‘ She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' <<<>>>
T here was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?" "For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!" The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?" "Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too." <<<>>>
T wo older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That’s such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It’s a condom," The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks. "Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?" So the lady says, "Well it’s got to fit a Camel." <<<>>>
The End Music: The Laughing Saxophone By Chiqita
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