A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet. She replies - No. Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ? She replies - No. Johnny says - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go back to school .... After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ? His mom says - No. He asks - Do you know what I think ? His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. I gave him my airplane glue.
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of a sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt. The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!". The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!". The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, It might work...".
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold." She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
‘ Sixty is the worst age to be’, said the 60-year-old. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.' 'Ah, that's nothing ,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!' 'Actually,' said the 80-year-old 'Eighty is the worst age of all.' 'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year-old. 'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.' 'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?' 'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.' Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?' ^ 'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download ad from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You´ve got Male!'
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
A man walked into a Cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the Menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A Nickel,' the barman replied. 'A Nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The Bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The Bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here .'
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a Statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a Statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a Sandwich and a Beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'